A Memory of Time

3 memories made | drops of time

:: 2006 26 March :: 6.26pm

get off of it bitch.
you need to stop going after what will never be yours.

:: 2006 26 March :: 6.22pm

i feel like i need to escape, or i need an escape.

whatever.
so much bullshit. of course my happy little world will come crashing down, what more could be expected?

i'm going to prom with josh.

:: 2006 23 March :: 6.51pm

Saturday is state, i'm pretty nervous. I have my GVSU music auditions next saturday, so I'll get everything out of the way so I can enjoy my spring break. At this point I don't really care how I do at state, just so I can get it over with.

During the meaps today my english class was combined with a modern lit class. There was this kid who was bugging the shit out of me because he was suppose to be writing a paper, but didn't know how to do it. So I turned around (because of course I wasn't going to do any of the work I was suppose to be doing) and I helped him write his paper. The kid was a junior and didn't even know you could incorporate a quotation from a book into your own sentence. So, I helped him write a couple of paragraphs. He just didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. I bet when he gets his paper back it's better than a C he'll be surprised. It made me wonder just how some people can get so far in our education system and fail so badly. I really did like working with him, however, and it kept me busy for an hour.

Syrinx is going good, and I'm excited for the end of my senior year. The future is getting less scary the farther I travel. That's a good thing, a very good thing.

michelle

jacqui-chan

:: 2006 18 March :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: crappy

Messed up
I screwed everything up. I think I've caused about every problem for myself that's possible to cause. I did something stupid, then told JD about it, and now he's mad at me. He said he doesn't even want to look at me. He doesn't believe that I'm sorry, or that I love him. Even though he knows very well that I've never stopped. I don't know what to do. He refuses to see me and now he's trying to get out of going to church with me. That's all I asked for for my Birthday, from him at least. I just wanted him at church with me, that was always my favorite time to spend with him. I don't know why, we just connected more there.
I don't know what to do at all. I love him, I really really do. And now he'll barely speak to me. He figured out how stupid he'd been before. We kissed the other day and he had realized just how much he wasn't over me. And last night he punched Metzger in the stomach for saying bad stuff about me. But I messed it up. How do I always manage that anymore? Because I don't think, that's how. Ugh, I'm so stupid sometimes. I feel like such an idiot, such a jerk.

Wow, I suck. That's for sure. This time it's my turn to be the jerk I guess.

Anyway, I'm out. I'll c ya' Monday.

XOXO,
Jay

:: 2006 9 March :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: crushed

What do you do?
What do you do when your still in love with your ex-boyfriend and he likes one of your best friends? What do you do when you just want them both to be happy, but to have that you'd have to suffer? What do you do when he tells you he'd date her if he could? Then what do you do when he hugs you and tells you he's so happy that you can be there for him, because he doesn't feel like he has anyone else. What do you do when every time you see him you want to cry or just kill yourself because you know you'd die to have him back now that he's changed? And what do you do when you can't do anything?

Ya' know what I do? I lay awake at night and don't eat a lot during the day. I run and workout at every oppurtunity. I work as much as possible. I stay busy, because when I'm busy I don't have time to close my eyes, or wonder how my heart could possibly still be beating. I never thought it could hurt this much to love someone. I never knew I loved him this much.

4 memories made | drops of time

:: 2006 26 February :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: Handel - Messiah

It's quite cold in my house right now. Maybe I'm just the one that's cold.
Finished reading Madame Bovary. It's a very interesting novel. It reminds me of a quote that I heard on a show a little while back that didn't even make it a full season:

"Men are romantics pretending to be realists and women are realists who pretend to be romantics."

I remember hearing that and it struck me. I'm not quite sure I know exactly HOW it struck me, it just did. I believe it's very true. Very realistic. It must have been thought of by a woman......

I'm very scared about the next few months. I'm so busy. But sometimes that really works out because I use that little time that i have a lot more wisely. I don't sit down and watch tv for a few hours, I get my homework done because I know that when I get that done it will be time to go to sleep, then time to wake up and go to school or work and do the same thing all over again. I like how it keeps me busy. I just get tired sometimes. I get scared that I won't be able to get what needs to be done done. I need to memorize my scales very badly. I have exactlly 29 days before S and E and limited time before my auditions for the school of music. I wish I had memorized them when I was in middle school, it's so hard now. I hate our education system. They keep the fine arts, but only enough to the point where students know where they need to get after all of it to make things happen, but they don't have the training they need to make it, and they know it. I know it. I met so many talented people at honors band. They knew so much. I felt like I was in sixth grade again. I think I was more naturally inclined than most, but they had training, and that's all that matters. They've had tons of music theory, expensive private lessons, and opportunities to perform and support from their school that I can't even imagine. I get told by people every day that I just need to settle for how horrible some people in our music program are, and I know how good people can be, how "good" i am, but compared to everyone else out there, how far behind I am and how much more ahead I could be if only I had those few opportunities, and now here I am, almost at the end of the line, getting ready to jump off the airplane and I don't even know how to work my parachute. It might as well be a suicide jump.
But I can't settle, because I know that when I get there it'll all be worthwhile, but can I get there? How? That's my question.

Banana

:: 2006 20 February :: 5.19pm
:: Mood: confused

okay....so I got my power back after 5 days of no electricity. We had a generator which made it bearable. Zach was over today. I am really starting to think their is something wrong with me...and him. I really like him but...im having my doubts. I feel like I am leading him on...I don't know what to do. It doesn't even feel like we are going out...it feels more like he is a study buddy. I know I should break up with him if the relationship is going nowhere and I am getting nothing out of it but it is so hard! I am such a coward...
~A

4 memories made | drops of time

:: 2006 20 February :: 2.36pm
:: Mood: lonely

Never changes.
Why do I do this to myself. I let myself get lost in him again. But just as I do that he becomes a class A jerk again. I don't like that, but I can't stop it. Somehow I feel that I need him or something. I don't, and I realize that. But I don't act on it. He does a million stupid things and I let him counter that with only one sweet thing.

I was going to give him back his ring last night, we never actually did that. But when he came over I lost it. He was being so sweet. We were acting like we did in the beginning. It was amazing. I suddenly realized why he'd been my best friend for so long. Then I told him that I'd been about to give his ring back, and he got really sad. He asked if I still wanted to. I said I really didn't know. Then he told me that he didn't really want to give mine back or take his back, but that it was really up to me. He expressed the same confusion that I've been feeling. He said that when he was with me he wanted to be my boyfriend again, but when we were apart it was nice to be free. I feel the same... but I know that I'm still in love with him. I don't think he really is still in love with me. I think he's just in love with the idea of "us". I don't know what to do. I was SO jealous last night when he and Kayla were over. Caleb was suppose to come too, but since he didn't it was just the three of us. I didn't enjoy that in the least. I love love Kayla, she's one of my best friends anymore, but JD likes her, and I hate that. My mom at one point asked if I'd just invited them over to watch them flirt. I was gonna' kill her... mostly because she asked aloud the question I'd been asking myself all night.

UGH!! What am I suppose to do? I feel helpless somehow... like no matter what I do I'm screwed. He gets all freaky and jealous when I do stuff with other guys, and he never does anything with other girls. But I hate just sitting around thinking about what was and what might've been. "What if's" should not be the focus, and I pride myself on not thinking about them... at least not a lot. So what do I do? Just sit and wait for the world to work for me? Or do something about it? The latter obviously... but how? What do I do about it? I have no idea. And he is NO help at all.

And to think Saturday would've been 11 months for us. Instead it's been a month tomorrow since we broke up. Isn't that crazy? Yea!

Okay enough babbling. Advice would definetly be appreciated though.

Bye loves.

:: 2006 20 February :: 10.41am
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: JQ99 FM

Life
So, I'm sitting at a desk in an office answering phones, drinking coffee, and typing on the computer. On top of that I'm talking to crazy men who walk in asking for my mother and grandfather and don't know me. And who are now on a mini-tour of the facilities with a man I have known as grandpa Duane for my entire life. Yep, I'm officially out of school. Or I could be. Up until today I thought I'd hate working in an office, but it's not that bad really. I enjoy it. Plus it's really not too busy yet... which is good. And JD's bringing me lunch later. I love him... what a sweety?! But yea this is really weird. I feel all grown up. Like I'm totally not in high school anymore. I even had coffee in the "break room" while watching MSNBC or some such news program. Yea, that's just nuts. I like today... going back to school tomorrow's gonna' seriously suck after this.

Now onto the only way I can tell I'm still 16. HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA!! See last night JD came over after work, and we hung out. It's so weird when we do that though, because we both still feel the need to act like we're together. Example: I said something to him joking around and he tackled me, basically, but when I looked up at him he said "You want to kiss me." And I said "yea, but I'm resisting the urge", then he kissed me. It's so hard not to revert back to our old ways. Although I do like friend JD better than boyfriend JD most of the time. And I think I like myself better now too. But I still like being in his arms. Last night we went upstairs so I could show him my new stuff, and we ended up just laying on my bed talking about last spring break. And while we did this he just held me, like it was all okay again. Like we were still together, and still in love. I missed that a lot. We're so much happier now. It's crazy.

Okay, enough thinking about that. It's just messing with my head more.

I'll talk to you guys later. Have an awesome last day of break all. Love you mucho.

XOXO,
Jacqui

:: 2006 10 February :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: bitchy

Him again.
I am so not in a forgiving mood today. So to think that you could be a complete ass to me all day and then just say "I'm sorry" in a not sorry tone of voice is total bullshit. Don't tell me you're sorry. You were never sorry before, you always just did it again. When you're truly sorry, you never ever do what you did again. I don't believe you anymore when you say that. And why should I? You're a liar. Look, I'm sorry that you had a bad day, but that wasn't my fault. I wasn't even around half the day, I was at the movies with my physics class. So really, why did you take it out on me? You made me cry again ya' know. This time I didn't want to cry on your shoulder, though, I felt perfectly good hugging Cory. He made me feel better, and ya' know what? I don't think he would ever hurt me. Not like you have. No one would. Because other people, hun, care about the people they are or were with. You, don't seem to have fully grasped that concept.

fishyrere

:: 2006 5 February :: 8.31pm

Woohu
coming to this site... it brings up painful memories. theres no reason for them they just are. like this journal is the part of my past that hurts so bad to think about but i don't want to let go. everything about this place is dark and lonely and sad. i mean even the name of my site "have you ever said good bye to a hero?" is depressing. yet time after time i come back reliving everything i've worked so hard to forget: my stupid emo freshman self. there are some memories i just don't want to remember but this site makes me relive them. there are some feelings i've worked so hard to surpress but this site makes me feel them strongly. there are some people who it hurts to remember both physically and emotionally but at this site they come rushing back into my life as if they never left. and i'm back to being emo and stupid and freshman. this site makes me revert. and i don't know if i like that. but i don't know if i'm ready to let go. espcially the people. especially that one person.

~Re~

Banana

:: 2006 5 February :: 5.13pm
:: Mood: satisfied

OMG!!! My Aunt Michelle and Uncle Tom are staying with us for superbowl Sunday and I found something very surprising...
I found a whole crap load of weed!!! I mean A LOT!!! I was like woohu! I get to have my room smell like weed...it smells so disgusting!! I always thought they were a little crazy...
~A