Stupid Quiz
Firsts:
1. First best friend: Jerm.

2. First car: Oldsmobile 88

3. First real kiss: Never had one

4. First self purchased album: Blink 182 - Take Off Your Pants And Jacket

5. First funeral: Grandfathers

6. First pet: Wiskers

7. First piercing/tattoos: Dont Have Any

8. First Credit Card: Fuck That Plastic Money Shit

9. First big trip: Virgina

10. First music you remember hearing in your house: Some Kinda Country

LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: Like 2 or 3 weeks ago

2. Last car ride: From Work

4. Last good cry: 2 Days ago

5. Last library book checked out: Darwin - Survial Of The Fittest

6. Last movie seen in theatres: Darkness (sucked)

8. Last food consumed: Sun Flower Seeds

9. Last crush: Raychel

10. Last phone call: Stacy

11. Last time showered: After Work

12. Last shoes worn: Work Shoes

13. Last item bought: Lighter

15. Last time wanting to die: Last Night

16. Last time scolded: Today At Work

17. Who are your best friends: Stacy, Jay

18. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: No

19. Last person you talked to: Kate

SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: No

2. What kind of shampoo do you use: Suave

3. What are you most scared of: Missing Out On Something

4. Where do you want to get married: Anywhere In The Rain

5. What are you listening to right now: The Dresden Dolls

6. How many buddies are online: 9

7. What would you change about yourself: My Weight, And My Nose

FAVORITES:
1. Colors: Blue and Green

2. Foods: Orange Chicken

3. Girl names: Tara, Christen, Kate, Stacy

4. Boys names: Kevin, James, Zackary

5. Subject in school: Drama

6. Sports: FUck That

7. Perfume: Celine Dion (lol)

8. Cologne: Axe - Apollo

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Given anyone a bath: yes

2. Smoked: yes

3. Bungee jumped: no

5. Skinny dipped: no

6. Been in love: yes

7. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yes

10. Cried when someone died?: yes

11. Lied: yes

12. Fallen for your best friend: yes

13. Been rejected: yes

14. Rejected someone: yes

15. Used someone: yes

16. Done something you regret: DUH!

CURRENT:
1. Clothes: Dark Green cargo pants and a dark green shirt with the jungle book logo and white socks

2. Music: The Dresden Dolls - The Jeep Song

3. Make-up: Dont wear it (on sundays lol)

4. Annoyance: Fish Tank Filter

5. Smell: Roses

6. Favorite artist: Death Cab For Cutie

7. Desktop picture: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Dead Bodies And Angels

8. Book you're reading: Confidential Confessions - Installment 5

9. Cd in player: The Dresden Dolls

ARE YOU:
1. Understanding: All the time

2. Open-minded: Totally

3. Arrogant: sometimes

4. Insecure: About certain things

5. Interesting: yes

6. Hungry: no

7. Smart: ???

8. Moody: yees

9. Hardworking: yes

10. Organized: no

11. Healthy: yes

12. Shy: no

13. Attractive: FUCK YEAH!!!

14. Bored easily: yes

15. Responsible: no

16. Obsessed: no

17. Angry: yes

18. Sad: yes

19. Disappointed: yes

20. Happy: no

21. Hyper: no

22. Trusting: yes

23. Talkative: yes yes yes so i was talking to this guy on the street BLAH BLAH BLAH

Sitting Down After Forty Feet Of Air, Toxin, Might, and sorrow
Ok, something has happened here. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I've gotten myself into alot of thigns and im drowning myself... I don't really know what to do to sort everything out. but i guess ill start by talking to all of you who read this waste of a journal... you might not care whats going on in my life but well i just need to sort things out and this is about the only place i feel connected to the world and the people who are in the town that causes my confusion. 1)I got into this play with expectations of a fun and wonderful time along side the ability to make people smile. I am having the hardest time learning all the dances so if i look like a douche on stage thats ok i wont fucking care. The songs are coming along ok, I'm starting to not be terrified of my own voice, or what any dumb muck things of it. The lines are coming along horrible, but thats cause im not studying like i should be. I just go out and hang with my friends even though i know i should be staying home and studying my god damn lines. SO, conclusion here to problem number one is...read the entire script at least twice every day no matter what you are doing that day. Focus harder on the dance moves, ask Mrs. Kerkofv to give me her notes on my moves. OK PROBLEM ONE SORTED OUT (wow just that much felt really fucking great). 2) Work. I can't stand my job because my manager makes me feel like a worthless peice of shit and i just take it like a little bitch cause my father raised me like that, even though deep in my heart i want to stand up to her and let her know what she does. I don't get enough hours and the time they give me always conflicts with my free time on the weekends, which is the only time i have to spend the meisly ammount of money i get. I always over spend myself and dont know how to budget my money. i either buy shit i dont need or drive all over the fucking world when i know i dont have the gas for it. SO solution to problem 2 is...get a new fucking job. when i apply for this new job make sure that i ask for a certain ammount of hours per week and at least 6.25 an hour to begin with because i will be turning 18 and 18 year olds need to make at least 6 dollars and hour i think it is. i will also make sure that on the weekends i only work morning hours so that i will have anytime after 5 pm free for spending my money and free time with the people i love that keep me alive with precious social contact. I will also start budgeting myself more and begin to realize how much i need certain things and how easy it would be to go on living without other things. 3) The Band. well this rag tag collection of pathetic people isnt producing anything but a bunch of messed up sounds that smash into one another. and i cant memorize the words to the song cause i keep mixing them all up with the music from the musical and my lines from the play and i cant stand the noise anymore. PLUS we never fucking practice cause nobody wants to practice during the weekday. and nobody is ever free on the weekends and nobody even bothers to contact one another and everyone has their own conflict about something smaller. "i dont like the name lets change it" "cant we play a different song" "can i make this part different than the orignal song". SO the way to fix problem three is...either i drop out of the band and tell them to do it themselves it shouldnt be that hard to find a better vocalist than me i mean come the fuck on dude. OR i tell them i cant do the talent show cause its too much stress on me already with everything else going on in my life and just continue playing after the musical and everything is over. 4) Dad. My father hates me 70% of the time and fucking loves me the other. i dont know how he is or what the fuck happens in his head have the time im confused. i cant say anything around him without getting yelled at. i mean my heart hurts just coming home anymore im just terrified of being yelled at or something. SO solution to problem 4... i dont fucking know someone tell me... 5) School. I really dont understand anything thats happening in chemistry. basically thats my only concern with school. chemistry is starting to scare the fuck out of me. i just cant catch on to most of the topics and shit i take notes read the chapters attempt to do the homework and still fail the tests. SO solution. get outside help stay afterschool with Mr. J also try doing extra work in the back of the book when im doing other homework and finish early. 6) My Heart. I think im starting to like someone who dosent have the ability to like me back....(same old story of everyone in the world right?) so i dont know if i should pursue it and watch what happens or just let it go and hope some one else comes around within the next 45-56 years. SO solution to this. fucking go for it i mean it can only hurt for a little while right. nothing hurts forever. 7) So Called Friends. I think ive been making friends with people im growing to hate. certain people well only 2 people i want to stop being friends with for my own personal benefit. but i dont know how to go about this. SO solution. fucking deal with them you know just let them act as if they like me and i like them then in about 50 days i graduate and they never have to see me again you know. well thanks for reading all my lifes bullshit. it felt really good to organize this all out thanks for listening even if it was with deaf ears. it still helped. have any suggestions then comment bitches lol i love you all so fucking much i really hope u know that.

Dieing At 40 Ounces
So, I've noticed its really easy to say "i love you". the phrase its self is losing all meaning. i mean its become such a general term that no one gives its use a second thought you know? Its also come to my attention that if you throw it out there enough you can almost feel its true, as in i love you, i love you, i love you. that means that im forcing myself to beilive that the statement is true. and when someone says that they love you. you cant tell what they mean. your first impression is a platonic love (friendship) so you toss the thought of it right out the window and carry on with your day. but in a relationship the meaning seems to be a little stronger. if i say to your face as i hold you tightly in the cold snow and wind and say to the back of your head as we shiver together "god i love you so fucking much", then it might have some kind of affect. but usally it gets thrown away. but when people use the term like its a sheild. i dont want to be in this relationship but im desperate for a relationship so ill say "i love you" that will keep my partner here and me happy. i wont have to actually love him or her i will just have to say that everyonce in a while and as long as we dont fight we dont even have to hold hands let alone sit next to eachother. see its all ok as long as you say "i love you". so we keep saying it over and over. half the time we dont mean. and if we did then wouldnt we say something else. but as for all of you reading this i do "love you" as friends i mean i dont think i would be alive if it werent for my life support system of friends. they make me smile. and the ones that ask "whats wrong" or "why are you sad, tell me whats the matter" LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE IM NOT GOD DAMN SAD I JUST DONT WANT TO FUCKING SMILE 24 FUCKING 7 TO SHOW YOU THAT I AM HAPPY ASS HOLES!!!!!. so if im crying you can ask whats wrong. if im not...then im good. thanks anyway i like to do things i shouldnt much love.

This Is How Its Supposed To Be.
the alarm clock is going off but im not getting up, the sound of it just seeps into my dream as i slumber deep into the afternoon. My body wakes me up at half past 2 and i take a nice warm shower get dressed in my favorite shorts a nice black shirt and an over jacket/windbreaker. i go to my car open the door and smell the warm fibers on the seats and the sweet aroma of vanilla from an airfreshener in the back. I start the car, full tank of gas, turn up the music, put on my sunglasses, throw back my summer scarf, roll down every window and smell the summer breeze as it mixes with the scent coming from the back of the car and the music making the most wonderful melody of scent ever. soon enough i have a car full of friends and a tank full of gas. we just drive down the open dirt, highway, expressway roads anywhere we can just singing to a cd with nothing but songs we all know the words too. darkness comes and we stop in a cool feild to lay in the grass, faces to the stars, hearts to the wind. lieing there just existing under the black sky and the sound the crickets make feels like being drunk, or high. its such a joyus and almost fake feeling. i mean this is how its supposed to be.

Wow This bitch Is Illiterate
This is a letter TYPED to me and my two brothers from my mother. I typed it out here JUST like she sent it to me...commas and periods words spelled just like she had them everything exact. Enjoy HAHA.

To start out this is a letter to my three sons , james, Ryan, Matthew, they are the reason aim wring ting this . I was a very young mom and tried to do the wring things as a mother. I made some very bad chooses along the way, but being a mother was the bet choice I ever made , it was hard some time and i gave up a lot of my self to them and I will always be happy when I look back in years to come to my sons and hope that they also do the things for there children that at the time feel right to them. I hope that some day you one on one will take the time to try to come to some understanding about the chooses that I have made in the past year. I hope you will if only ones talk to me and let me try and answer your questions I will . Yes I have told a lot of lies and am more then sorry for that but I can't take that back I can try to help you to understand the lies by only telling you the true , even if it will hurt because some time ,the true will hurt and so if you want to hear every thing then please ask I will tell it. and I will tell you every thing that you want to know . Do I miss my family more then words could ever say the pain I have on a daily bases is more then I can take some days. This has been the greeted pain I have ever had in my life , I thought the lots of my father was bad, this pain is all day and some time all night long but I did this to myself I blame no one but me. , I miss the fun time and the bad time because we were always there as a family and i have no one to blame but myself. I hope that you will take the time to read this letter it come from my heart if I could take away all the pain that I have put everyone thought I would , but I cant I wish I would have done this any other way the but the way I did but i cant take that back and I will have to live with that for ever. Please rember that you also will do things in the years to come that you will look back on and say why in the hell did I do that , but life some times is not always what we want or think it should be. I do hope that you will please call me so we can talk this out and try to rebuild are mother and sons relsonship.

Well im sure you enjoyed that little bit of complete and udder idoicy. I'll post later with a edit to this that shows my veiws on certain parts of the letter lol so check back, but for now enjoy how fucking stupid she is. lol. whore.

Smile With Me. Just Try It.
See i told someone that things would work out. Things have a way of falling to peices and burning your fingers as you try so hard to put them back together. but once you got it together you notice there are still peices missing. im finding those missing pieces. that makes me smile alot. and hell you know what some of the old peices are starting to go (you know the ones with the old wrinkled cardboard corners). well my puzzle is coming together. can i ask you all something. if your mother is insane and your father dosent like you and your brother is just the biggest snoop and dick in the world. what do you do with yourself ? i mean ive been good so far. and stacy i miss you. what did i do stacy? what did i do?

Update From Inside
sooo....i got curfew....he got sex.....she got smokes.....he got another night of bliss.....shes cheating on him......they are both in denial.....life goes on outside of money.....college wont be too bad......and im not in hell yet.....with much love *hugs*

The Middle Of The Night
i feel really weird right now. like i dont know what kind of emotion i am experiencing but its not comfortable. well anyway ill make this a worth while post. i think im having trouble learning my lines for the musical. the songs are coming along nice. i have to dance more often now and i dont like that idea. well i need to lose weight...but i wont. im fucking lazy. so yeah i hate now having money it really burns me to not have it. i dont work enough and the time that i do i hate doing it. well ive bitched for a little and im done know.

Yet another song ive written in vain
Just Tell Me What You Think

Title: Needles And Thread


spoon after spoon
lighter after lighter
needle after needle
fix after fix
meet me behind the school at six
ive got the goods and youve the got cash
come on pump it lets get high off our ass
its only one little syringe
what could such a metal do?
just ignore the warnings
i can promise you
the next thing you see will be the morning

Sweaters in the summer time
dark shades to hide myne eyes
the itching inside me burns to be free
just please god stab me
its so damn warm you see
flows deep, becomes part of me
messages written in blood
stained with chemicals
heat it up its far to cold
hurry pour it now im growing old
my eyes are heavy wake me up
forget waiting, shoot me up

grab the wire and the tubes
up goes my sleeve down goes the dues
pump my palm together
get the red pain flowing through
my fingers are numb this ones up to you
dont be afraid just press it through
break the skin, bruise my vein
my flesh will bleed
my heart will beat
my eyes will flee the scene

staring at the scars on my arms again
thinking of how good it would feel to rip them open
this room is dark, im all alone
im shaking, i wish to go home
i fucked it up im here for good
at least my beds not metal
and my sheets arent white...

So i found this note....and i know this girl from not here....and im getting a new car.....and summer is aproching....im about ready to kill my boss.... the band is going to actually practice next friday when we dont have school.....we will win the talent show.....sorry for the cancel but im sick and well tony was lazy and didnt even tell ryan about practice.....what an ass........well *looks above* this should be interesting.