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2005 5 June :: 10.45 pm
:: Music: june 25th open house
june 25th open house
OPEN HOUSE JUNE 25TH BE THERE BITCHES. CAUSE ITLL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE FRIENDS WHO LOVE ME. ALL OF YOU BITCHES COME EAT MY SHITTY FREE FOOD AND TALK TO ME AND THEN HOPEFULLY ILL HAVE A BONFIRE FOR ALL OF YOU TO SIT AND SULK IN MEMORYS AND GET BIT MY SKITOS.....JUNE 25TH 2:OOPM - ????? (ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE QUESTION MARKS
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2005 31 May :: 2.20 am
:: Music: Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal
Bring It Back Girl
ok so shit aint all that bad for once. im going to sit dad down and talk about fine arts school. i think ive got a talent worth devolping. might as well spend the money the way you know itll be best used. ive taken up drawing. i really suck lol but i think i need to teach my self something new every chance i get. i want my brain to always be in use. im picking up my guitar and starting over with some simple death cab songs to get myself back into the feeling of bleeding finger tips. BLAH. well you gotta start somewhere (hoping someday ill get off my fatty ass and do some running or something physical dear god im wasting away) and so im off to bigger and better things than my house. i wont be missing you because youll all be coming with me. ill never leave me friends behind and ill still be seeing you every time i get the chance fuck we still have another 2 years of staying in this town together. *shakes head in disgust* the lord (if there is one) does hate me.
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2005 28 May :: 3.22 pm
so i is graduated....something supposed to happen now? cause like nothings different i still have to go to work i still live at home i still have to wake up in the fall and go to school and ill still see everyone ever other day and im not an adult....ok what a waste of my fucking life. something is supposed to happen soon i think god i fucking hope so because im wasting away at how fucking annyoed i am that nothing is happening and im not feeling anything. i havent felt anything in days. like even a smile is hard to do. and i have to force myself to do the things i once loved. its like they have become a task. now there is totally something wrong there. .....ok rambling now......ARGH save me something. go to me open house and make me feel like i did something good. be proud of me for doing something common place and average. fucking everyone graduates no big deal. is that paper a reward for 13 years of servatude? so thats it im off to the real world....wait no im not. im stuck in college for four years where ill waste away and spend money on shit i dont even want to do. i really want to go to a fine arts school and develop my acting talents. thats what i want. thats what will make my life worth living. itll make me happy to wake up every day. and thats what life is supposed to be. if you want to wake up then you will put all your power into what you do and it will feel fantastic. but i cant tell dad i want to go to fine arts school cause there isnt a gaurentee that i will find a job as an actor and there is a guarentee in some other field so i should just do that and hate waking up right? god i want what i want. i mean if we are paying for it might as well make it worth something...
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2005 24 May :: 6.15 pm
i dont know what to say about this. dad is just so fucking insane he is beyond stubborn he just dosent fucking listen at all. he just curses at me and hits things and screams "im still the adult and your the worthless fucking child". i cant even try reasoning with him. and fuck if logic shows up in the conversation someone fucked up. he yelled at me for my hair again today and i said "my hair is never in my eyes and it looked just fine during prom none of it was in my eyes and its not jetting out of the side of my head i dont look like a shaggy dog" i was stopped at about the end of the the first time i said eyes by "SHUT THE FUCK UP OK JUST SHUT THE HELL UP GOD DAMNIT YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE ITS ALL ABOUT YOU RIGHT YOU ARE ALWAYS FUCKING RIGHT ARENT YOU AS LONG AS MATTHEW IS HAPPY THE FUCKING WORLD IS GOOD" i just started crying cause i cant handle the insults anymore and he says "O GREAT NOW MY PUSSY FUCKING SON IS GOING TO START CRYING. CRY SOME MORE YOU FUCKING PUSSY GOD DAMNIT I CANT FUCKING BEILIVE YOU WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GOD FUCKING DAMNIT (punches wall)" i stopped crying by force cause my fucking chest hurt so much i couldnt cry for fear id stop breathing. i start to move and he throws 20 dollars in my face and screams "CUT YOUR FUCKING HAIR SO THAT YOU DONT EMBARESS ME AT GRADUATION LIKE YOU EMBARSSED ME AT EVERYOTHER SOCIAL EVENT." i said "why do i embarres you with how i choose to wear MY hair?" he says "CAUSE PEOPLE FUCKING LOOK AT YOUR DIRTY SCARGLY ASS AND SAY 'THATS RAYS SON GOD DAMN HES A BAD FUCKING FATHER HE CANT EVEN KEEP HIS KIDS CLEAN AND IN GOOD CLOTHES'" im like "wait when did this turn into my clothes" "THATS BESIDE THE FUCKING POINT YOU LITTLE BASTARD NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP"
"im not dirty, i take a shower twice a day" "YEAH AND THATS ANOTHER REASON YOUR SO FUCKED UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD WASTE SOME MORE FUCKING SHIT YOU DONT PAY FOR" i put the money on the table and said. "im not getting my hair cut with your money cause it wont be good enough and youll yell at me all day tommrow just like you did today and yesterday and the day before" "SHUT THE FUCK UP JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE FUCK GOD DAMNIT SHUT THE FUCK UP (punches wall again)" "please stop cursing it scares me alot" "SHUT THE FUCK UP ILL CURSE ALL THE FUCK I WANT TO FUCKING CURSE IM THE ADULT YOUR THE FUCKING CHILD YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I FUCKING SAY AND FUCK YOU I CAN CURSE IF I WANT YOU PUSSY" i couldnt handle myself and this point and left the room "GET THE FUCK BACK HERE BEFORE I KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS. THATS WHAT YOU NEED IS TO GET YOUR FUCKING ASS BEAT" i turn around and said "do you hear what you say?" that was my biggest mistake right there. i mean i shouldnt have ever asked him if he hears that he calls me dirty and stupid and that his own son needs to get his ass beat? i know im not the only one who finds that really fucked up. "OOPPS SORRY I FORGOT THAT THE FUCKING WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU OF COURSE ILL SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW THAT YOUR HAPPY MATT GOOD THING YOUR FUCKING SET" i broke here finally and said "WHY DO I EMBARESS YOU? im almost an adult(got cut off here)" "YOUR NOT A FUCKING ADULT YOUR AN 17 YEAR OLD PRICK WHOSE LUCKY HE SURVIVED TO BE ALMOST 18" i wanted to say "i dont want your money for college anymore ill go live in a box and find a job i can walk to from my box until i can rent an apartment or buy a car to live in" i didnt say that though cause well i didnt want my face to look like the wall. i turned back and said "good thing we have to go to this senior thing so we can be all pissy towards eachother like we are every other night but at least tonight you can hate me in a puplic forum" "GOD DAMNIT YOU DONT LISTEN SHUT THE FUCK UP BOY GOD DAMNIT YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING ANGRY I JUST CANT FUCKING STAND YOU JESUS FUCKING CHRIST" ok i just cant beilive whats going on here. i mean everyone thinks my dad is cool...do you see what just happend here? this happens at least 5 times a week. i really miss school cause it was another place outside of work i could go to be free of the words. god damnit i think id rather that he punch me in the face then talk to me the way he does. my chest hurts so much. i dont know if my heart can really hurt of it i just cant breath. god i have to go to this thing. *hugs self* please let me live. please. *cries*
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2005 24 May :: 1.31 pm
:: Music: Frou Frou - Breath In
HOnors SHIT
Yeah honors banquet and shiznatzil tonight dude lets all have fun being stupid and getting really shitty awards YAY!!!
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2005 22 May :: 12.34 am
k edit. im not cutting the hair. im getting it trimmed and ill attempt to buy a good beanie so i can wear it when i drive and when i take it off my hair wont be all ugly as fuck. well there you go kids. (i only keep it cause the ladies, and emily, love it so much)
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2005 21 May :: 4.29 pm
:: Music: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone
IM DONE!!!
Its over with. i cant stand this fucking hair anymore. its in my eyes all the time while im driving so i almost kill myself and all the people with me in the car, and im a good driver so imagine how great a driver ill be when i can actually see....plus i look FUCKING GAY when i do that stupid hair flip to get it out of my eyes. I KNOW i look gay and i cant help it, the hair flip became such a habit and well it make look good like this but its too long and too much. At this point i am so annoyed by it i dont care if i look like a fucking d bag i just want it gone. GONE GONE GONE GONE>.< so im gettting it cut off. what do you think?
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2005 18 May :: 3.04 pm
:: Music: Vitamin C (cause its cheezy)
Open Hizouse Bitches
MY OPEN HOUZE IS ON JUNE 25TH AT 2:00PM UNTIL ??? (THATS RISKY THE QUESTON MARKS COULD MEAN ANYTHING WOOOO GO WILD BITCH!!!) ANYWAY YOU ARE ALL INVITED COME GIVE ME MONEYS AND SAY HI OR JUST SAY HI WHATEVER. LOL I LOVE YOU ALL AND CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU THERE ITS AT MY HOUSE
JUNE 25TH 2:OOPM-???
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2005 17 May :: 5.22 pm
Ok so highschool is over...what the fuck i dont even feel any different. and i didnt cry at all. is something wrong with me? i dont feel different at all im not happy im not sad and i didnt feel a speck of emotion at all after school...somethings wrong.
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2005 16 May :: 8.17 pm
:: Music: Mozart - Moonlight Sonata
Read
My brain is fucking twitching. i could barley stand up today. i just wanted to fall over and pass out. not die (im not that emo). i cant stand what he says to me, how he feels about me and how he treats me. i deserve enough respect to at least be seen as a semi equal right? i mean he dosent have to say "all you fucking do is sit on your fat fucking ass and do nothing you waste of space" was that all nesscary to tell me that i fucked up by not getting my scholarship info in on time? i mean im not that bad a person i mean there are still some scholarships out there and most of the dead lines arent till july im not going to be fucked. and those finacial aid people should really hurry up. and please dear god let the colleges stop calling me and telling me how perfect they are for me and then telling me the tuition...i can afford that. my parents are rich and retired. my elders arent giving me some thousands of dollars for no reason. i have nothing (like most of you) but i can barely afford junior college which makes me think that im not good enough to go to a real college. so i doubt my purpose and think i might as well just stay in this shit hole town and state forever cause im not good enough to get the things i want in life. im to fucking fat and stupid to even get a job that i might enjoying waking up to. i mean thats what life is. a cycle of hating what you do and the people around you until you get two days of break in which you spend the 6 dollars of your paycheck you have left after you pay for insurance and utilites and rent and food and gas. and then you cry to yourself about how shitty your life is and they say the only way to have a nice life is to spend all your money on school so that after you leave it you can spend the rest of your life paying off your debt to the schools. but wont you feel comfy in a job you like getting up for and spending every extra cent on debt? thats perfection. so is working minimum wage to support an apartment and a drug habit. choose your path youll be fucking happy either way right? fuck me and my life. fuck this all. if you read all this then you have a heart and thank you. god i just needed to say all this and just let you know how much i want to be a little kid i want to just have fun this summer i want to relax and go to my shitty job and spend all my money on gas and then bitch about being broke. but im expected to spend EVERY moment that im not in work filling out financial aid shit and scholarship junk and writing essays about rice patties and shit that dosent even make sence to me at all. i want to move out caus i hate him but i cant cause he wont let me cause he knows i cant support myself and he knows ill fucking die. let me fail i know i will but let me fucking allow me to fuck up and make my own mistakes jesus christ ok you fucked up your life and shit let me fuck myne up damn. im not ryan SORRY im not my brother and that makes him so damn mad. i know it does it just pisses him off so fucking much that im not like them. god does it ever. goodbye.
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2005 15 May :: 1.42 am
:: Music: Alien Ant Farm - Glow
Love Is What You Need
Every time i get near you i think... i need to hate you but god i still see you as perfect.
Im moving on without leaving, grcc is my new highschool, but ill still be in town.
New friends and new lights to look forward too, and the fading of other pilots i already knew.
Just love me one night. thats all i want. just one night where i can hold your hang and have it mean more than friends. just one smile and a deep stare into your eyes that makes me feel so fucking good i smile without realizing it and even cry a little. just once.
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2005 11 May :: 11.47 pm
You are going to die. so when you die will you be happy with what you left behind or be pissed about what you cant bring with you? will you go to heaven or hell. will you rot in the ground with no thought of an afterlife. do you simply stop? is it all over? i mean there COULD be something after this couldnt there? what do you think happens when you die?
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2005 4 May :: 10.36 pm
i understand that i made alot of bad choices and big ass mistakes. but im fixing it all ok. im sorry and i really do honestly understand what ive done wrong. i mean i was naive and refused to accept the fact that things change in the world. nothing ever stays the same or perfect so. im sorry and ill be fixing everything if you will open your ears and hearts and please just understand how much i really love all of you ive hurt.
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2005 3 May :: 10.59 pm
...got it.no more hugs no more i love yous no more mean words even in a joke no more touching of any kind. and im good right? is that all it takes?
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2005 28 April :: 8.15 pm
Well final fitting went....well. my pants look funny and ryan gorder and his gang of retarts were at the tux shop and getting fitted to so well they were assholes and totally droping f-bombs in front of these two little kids and like harrassing the clerks and shit. I got megans corsage. its pink and really pretty like roses i think i dont know but its totally pink licious and it makes me smile to think that i have a date to prom who i know will enjoy dancing with me and will make me smile. and me and emily will be prom king and queen thats all there is to it. i dont care what you think we are the prom king and queen. well we will be dancing so look at us as we are in that big circle and make us feel akward with your staring piercing eyes you little gruby bastards. love you all lol. and well dad is paranoid as all fucking hell he like demanded that i call this no call hotline or something cause his boss said that cell phones were the next target for telemarketers and im like dad you are paranoid and he called me some bad names. it was all good. fucking idoit. well im back on that down hill slide of emotion im full of cough medicine and i bought a new hat and two pairs of sandals. im happy i love shopping and buying new things. new things make me feel good. so im on a small happy high. this week like still isnt over and thats like sooooo not cool i need it to end. come on prom get here and over well ima go study.
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