........

I had a conversation today..the only conversation in my whole life that has ever made any sense...because what was being s said actually had meaning behind it...thank you arie. I want to grow old with you.

The world isnt what it was supose to be. We were misguided as children to believe that our world would be so bright and that everything would be so intriguing. It was almost like each of us would make a difference. I dont see how if I just stoped caring about anything remotely important how that would change the world..I mean..I'm just one person..what difference could it make. As soon as you hit 18..graduate high school or not...go to college..then right as your out of getting and education its like no one could give a shit about you. In others eyes who dont know you.. you mean nothing to them. If they were to wake up the next morning and read about your death in the obituaries...it wouldnt matter to them..it wouldnt effect their lives... everyones out for their own lives..they dont care about you. Unless you were related...I dont want to grow up to make a difference in the world. Because theres nothing that I can say that would change over billions of peoples minds that would make a difference...All I care about is getting out of school..having a well over decent job so I can live the life that I want to...get out of having all these restrictions. I thought this was the land of the free.. Wheres the freedom? There is no freedom unless you hold some sort of power. I want that power so that I can just be happy for once...maybe for more than a day..or a week....

thats all i have to say.

Today.

Woke up early (10) so I could go tanning and to champion. Champion was kindof packed but not really and Mirage was like a ghost town so I went in there for 10 mins and did my tannin. It felt good although i got burnt cuz I forgot my lotion lol oh welll.....

Lastnight I wrote some more and managed to finish out my notebook. Well actually I only have like 2 pages left. and the pages are pretty big. It only took me almost all summer to fill it out. But I have another one though. Someone remind me to get calligrafy pens/markers on like saturday or thursday night so I can get them lol. I love you calligrafy.

I have officially decided that my whole life to this point so far is best explained on the Linkin Park Meteora CD. Thank you that is all..but before you leave heres a song that expresses me at the moment....
LP- Breaking the Habit

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
(Unless i try to start again)
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside i realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
I don't know why i instigate
And say what i don't mean
I don't know how i got this way
I know it's not alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside i realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
I don't know why i instigate
And say what i don't mean
I don't know how i got this way
I'll never be alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
I'll paint it on the walls
Cause i'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
But now i have some clarity
To show you what i mean
I don't know how i got this way
I'll never be alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Today...of all days


Damnit it just had to rain and be shitty out. I didnt get to go shopping we drove all the way to woodland and it was worse than rockford with bad lightning and the sky was so black and it was pouring so we just turned around and went back home. I missed out on getting new clothes and a feather bed for my bed ........grrr..oh well...Just wait another day. I can do that I.

I had cupons for gadzooks and ae lol I was so excited to shop

Enchilladas are good.

....


I sat in my room last night. Just sitting there with my portable right next to me with my headphones on. I sat there and wrote. Wrote down everything that was bugging me…everything that just was making me feel like crap. Whenever I write. I always end up exposing things that I never knew that I thought about…things that just maybe have bugged me in the past or things that were being covered up on my behalf because of guilt or other reasons. I’m just. I don’t know. I’m just mad. I’ve figured out that I’m this person… this person that doesn’t like confrontation…that doesn’t like complications…I just wish everything was simple. I wish my life and what I’m thinking wasn’t so fucked up.

Leaving
What was left behind
Throwing it all away
Forgetting how I hated everything about you
Even though I really didn’t at all
Forgetting everything I ever wanted
Because I could never have it
Just to be wanted
Needed
But I threw it all away
Just so I could let go of the pain
That would still eat away at me
Even though you’re gone

-------------------------
I think I’m doing the right thing…even if im not I have to

Damnit I dont feel good


Err. I don’t feel good I feel like I’m getting sick eehhhhhhhhh. I hate being sick. I hope I’m not getting sick. I think I’m going to go to bed early tonight. I donno, I don’t feel good and I just feel like I want to be alone. I’ll have to go in my room after I’m off the internet so I can get some alone time. That’s why I lock my door a lot. I hate always feeling like no one can help me and like more and more I’m starting to just want to be alone. Its no one fault for that it’s my own. Its just I don’t know.. It’s all mental I guess? I hate feeling like kind of upset like about something or whatever and not knowing what it is. I don’t know its so damn confusing.

I do it for the druuuggs
I do it just to feel alivvvee
I do it for the loovee
That I get from the bottom of a bottleeeee

Arie always passes good music onto me. Thank you Arie. Here are some examples.
Eve 6- Think Twice
Smile Empty Soul- Bottom of A bottle
Trapt- Still Frame
I’m sure there have been more.

i'm out

I had a great time

I had a great time last night with Arie, Katie, and Krystal at the pool then we went back to krystals. Truth or Dare is always fun in the grass even though Arie missed out on the good stuff after she left. Good times you guys good times. Thanks. I had funnn! CARAMEL FRAPPACHINOOOS lol NOOO NO MORE WHIPPED CREAM!! Sound effects lol When I walk i sound like whipped cream lol i'm so makin that noise at school. Its the best.

It was thundering and lightnining this morning. It was kick ass. It hasnt thundered in so long. I like the loud booms of thunder and the lightning strikes. Theres something so scary about them that its interesting. I like storms. Except tornados lol.

Now I'm just chillin in my pjs downloading some songs by Eve 6, gob, and cold. No one is really online though. That kindof sucks but what do u expect its only 3:30.

Tonight we're havin TACCOOOOSSSSS mmm tacooooos.. this week i get to make my killer homemade enchilladas from cooking class lol kick ass those are so good mm..

I still hope you will miss me when I'm gooonnee......this is the last soonggg

I'm out.

at school
i cant feel the way i did before
dont turn your back on me
I wont be ignorrredddddd

Ahh gotta love linkin park i dont know how many times i've said that.

I'm at my old elementary school just chillin in my moms classroom gettin some work done and shit. New word. My sister created it. Amiznotch lol The words amy and biznotch put together. Very creative.

I have a headache. Oh well i'll sleep it off lol.
I need to download more brushes for psp. Create new backgrounds, images, icons, just whatever. I will become the master of psp. With the help of arie lol

Nothin much is really going on today other than the constant idea of havin my mom pay me to be here lingering in my mind. But if i asked to get paid she'd be pissed and say that i should be here just because i'm a good daughter or whatever. Oh well I will be gettin money to go back to school shoppin and it will be all good. I still have yet to go.

I kindof feel bad when I cant hang out with some of my friend or when I dont make the effort to. Its not that I dont wanna hang out its just that I'm lazy and anti social. I have to change that otherwise it wont get me anywhere. Its still good to get asked to go places and to hang out with people though. and I dont always turn them down.

I quit.

none
First taste of freedom
Last taste of reality
Sinking deeper into darkness
Seeing only shadows now
Stumbling through the thick mud of compassion
Never looking back
Its too late
No time to turn back....

Today ugh


Woke up at 6:25 to babysit "The kids" Their dad was home the whole day so I didnt even see why I had to. Oh well........ money. I think they might be moving. That would be a mirical. I hate those kids. 67$. Good shopping money

Went to orthdontist when I got home from babysitting then I took some Tylenol PM and passed out for a while. I'm still tired from the Tylenol PM i feel like I'm floating lol weee.

Back to school shopping next week i think or this week. Starting tomorrow I have to get up like at 8 and go to Valley View Ele. to help my mom get her classroom together. Everytime i go to VV i remember all the fun times I had there when I was a kid. Great times. Too bad the building is like infested with mice -shudders- ick. I better not see any. But the good thing is, is that when I wake up early i get to go to Jodys. mm Homemade toast and jam. mmmmmmmmmm I cant wait for that lol Thats all you need when you go to jodys for breakfast. Toast. Their toast is to die for. When I was little we use to go there before we left for school. Good times. I miss being a kid..not having boobs...being able to do stuff like coloring books..having my mom wipe off my face lol...ahh childhood. Great memories.

I'm out.

Survey thingy
Today was actually ok. I had fun kindof.

-- BODY ILLS AND SKILLS --
Nervous Habits: biting nails...chewing on stuff lol tearing food apart before i eat it
Are you double jointed?: double jointed pinkys lol.
Can you roll your tongue?: i think so but i tried too hard once and pulled a muscle in my tounge lol it hurt.
Can you raise one eyebrow at a time?: i fink so
Can you blow spit bubbles?: nope
Can you cross your eyes?: ya
Tattoos?: no
Piercings and where?: lobes
Do you make your bed daily?: no lol

-- CLOTHES --
Which shoe goes on first?: left
Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: yes.
On the average, how much money do you carry in your purse/wallet?: financially i am homeless lol
What jewelry do you wear 24/7?: earings and a necklace
Favorite Piece of Clothing: pjs
Pajamas: dr. scrubs and so on...anything comfy

-- FOOD --

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: both
Have you ever eaten Spam?: NO
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: neopalitin
How many cereals in your cabinet?: i think 3
What's your favorite beverage?: caramel frapps, ice water
What's your favorite restaurant?: OLGAS... taco bell..
Do you cook?: yep

-- GROOMING --
How often do you brush your teeth?: 2 times a day or more
How often do you shower/bathe?: I shoot for everyday lol
How long does your shower last?: 20-30 mins i love warm water lol
Hair drying method:put in my hair gel stuff.. then dry
Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?: nope all natural
Do you paint your nails?: sometimes.

-- MANNERS --
Do you swear?: ya
Do you ever spit?: haha no only when i have to


-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --
Animal:KITTY
Food: new york style pita chips and OLGA pita bread
Month: summer months and october.
Day: friday or saturday
Cartoon: as told by ginger, family guy, simpsons, 3 south, Clone high when it was on lol LIBBY! ADD whats this on my ellbow???!? Ghandi and the magical trail mix
Shoe Brand: vans or adidas or nike
Subject in school: creative writing was my first love. or language arts class. :D best class of my life.
Color:pastels..and dark colors
Sport: sleeping lol uhh...HORSESHOES! NO ONE LIKES HORSESHOES SO I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM SOME CREDIT lol
Tv show: too many to name
Vacationing Spot: St.Petes andddd Clearwater
Game: bullshit lol

-- IN AND AROUND --
The CD Player: LP- Meteora
Person you talk most on the phone with: no one .uh krystal ...arie?
Ever taken a cab?: nope
Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors?: LMAO yeah...lol
What color is your bedroom?: lime green blues and yellows
Do you use an alarm clock?: only for skool
Window seat or aisle?: window!!

-- LA LA LAND --
What's your sleeping position? normally sides
Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?:I cant help it..its so seductive and comfy!
Do you snore?: i'm not sure.
Do you sleepwalk?: not anymore. i did when i was little.
Do you talk in your sleep?: dont think so
Do you sleep with a stuffed animals?: no.
How about with the light on?: when i'm scared lol.
Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on?: tv

-- WHICH IS BETTER --
Coke or Pepsi?: diet coke thank u very much
Oranges or apples?: apples
One pillow or two?: 2
Deaf or blind?: deaf lol
Pools or hot tubs?: pools i guess.
Blondes or brunettes?: brunettes.
Tall or short?: dont care..for guys tall lol
TV or radio?: tv.
Beach or pool?:beach
Tic-Tacs or Certs?: certs
Snooze button or jump out of bed?: leave me alone alarm clock -blows it up with a bomb- lol
Sunrise or Sunset?: i'd say sunset
Hamburger or Cheeseburger?: cheeseburger.
Morning or night?: night
Sports or news?: if i had to choose... sports.
Indoors or outdoors?: outdoors.
Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?: christmas eve
Cake or ice cream?: ice cream.
Spearmint or Peppermint?: spearmint.
Bath or shower?: shower.
Book or Movie?: mooovie
Green or Red apples?: reeeeeeed.
Rain or Snow?: snow..better chance of school cancelations
Nike or Adidas?: adidas.

-- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU --
Took a shower?: this morning
Cried?: umm 2 days ago
Talked on the phone?: 2 weeks ago lol
Read a book?: a month ago
Punched someone?:today lol

-- THE FUTURE --
Where do you see yourself in ten years? doing something good with my life
Who are you going to be married to?:hopefully some sexy stud with a great ass lol
How many kids?: no clue- adopt lol
Your profession: graphic arts...interior designing...fashion designing somewhere along those lines
Future School: umm.. for high school... interlochen for college..umm donno yet.

STOP THE PRESSES STOP THE PRESSES

You might as well just call me Jesus..or Buda....

I have found the recipie for Starbucks Caramel frappachino.

Thats right my children.. bow for me...bow..

I made it myself...
guess what..it tastes so good....
guess what..it smells so good....
guess what..I can add more and more caramel syrup....

and Its all minneeeee

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm