mudpiegrl
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2006 5 March :: 11.05am
so it's blaringly clear that it's that time of the month, however, i still have not been visited by my friend. i asked my mum to go to the doctor and she said she'd make an appointment. so ill update on that in a bit.
3 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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pixeldot
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2006 2 March :: 7.20am
Since xanga is blocked at school, I'll ramble about my dream for a bit here.
This makes alot of sense if you were one of the unfortunates to be talking to me last night while certain events transpired. Poor people, having to listen to my dumb issues.
Anyway, I had a dream that I was in the car with my mom, and we were turning left onto butterfield from 60, that road that goes to my house that has the train tracks crossing 2 roads. We were just sitting there, waiting for a train to pass, when I noticed that suddenly, without my knowledge of a crash or any turbulence, the train parts just started coming off of the tracks. I mean, they were hardcore coming off, to the point of them literally flying off and landing violently a few feet away from the car.
I wasn't afraid, but I just kept thinking "I hope the people on the train are okay..." even though it was a freight train, and wasn't carrying any people. My mom was completely relaxed, and just said "Well how about that. And it was the train conductors own damn fault, too. He deserved it"
After a few seconds of watching this train absoluely crumble, forming a barricade of ff7 train grave yard-esque rubble, I looked behind us to see that there was tracks on the road behind us too (which there normally aren't), and to the right, so we were basically trapped by the train wreckage.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2006 24 February :: 3.36pm
:: Music: q101
i miss journaling. i just ate pizzas! woo! i exercised today. i might make myself run tnt. maybe. i have to work, then am supposed to hang out with ian again, but i dont really want to. id rather just chill at the restaurant and then come home.
i saw the vhhs musical, anything goes, last night. it was better than i thought, not because of the acting, because of the show itself. although, i suppose it wouldnt have lasted if it didnt have entertainment quality. i sort of wish i could be on stage once, to hear people laugh at something i've said. or to have them caught up in a world that doesnt exist. but i'd probably abandon my rehearsals for crew. lol
im doing crew for amadeus. i asked phelan. patrice, you should, too. i worry that ill take opportunites away from the younger kids though. like, if spencer and hul had come back, we would've never had our opportunity to show ourselves. but i get ec for it for makeup, and ill probably only go three nights a week. two if they take off fridays. i miss it so much though.
i've decided on putting at least ten percent of every check in the bank for paying back my loans. more if i can. but it's going to be put in immediately. im budgeting. ish.
i never got those boots i wanted because my calves are too frickin gigantic...although, i didnt think about trying on a ten. maybe ill do that. ::shrugs:: i like them.
Are you a purple cow?
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sweetyas
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2006 19 February :: 2.11pm
I dont like the rooming situation of next year...i hope it doesnt turn out as bad as i think it will. i dont wanna live with these ppl!!!! OMG!!!!AHHH!! i hate this girl so mcuh..so fuck her!!
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2006 14 February :: 1.50pm
:: Mood: contemplative
so...im going to do some mass typing. im sorry if you actually try to get through these...i wrote them all on the train and i want to put them in here. i wish i had a laptop so that i could just type it on the train. it would go so much faster. and in case you hadnt noticed, my internet is back up! woo! the stuff in green is going to be stuff about people on the train, stuff that isnt all that important, although it may lead so something in the white that is about me, and unless you've recently spoken to me or read my mind, probably dont know.
Train Entry One
The man in front of the other writes in red pen on a printed paper. He has a phone on his right ear. He picks his nose with his pinky. He has a striped blue and white polo on; Skipper style. He rechecks his bag; a portfolio briefcase. A greenish-brown trench coat, slightly balding, thin brown hair. Holds phone awkwardly. "Then we'll supplement it. And we can talk then about how it...Right, sure. Right. Right. Okay. Okay! That'd be great. What uh, what uh...at your office. Oh, that's right. Okay, I'll do that for you...you don't think it makes sense...supplement...okay, yeah. Thanks. ::click::"
He's texting. Back to his stack of papers: flip, flip so delicatly. Chews nails...mmm, eating it. Needs more. Looks good, sir.
I'd rather be writing about the man across from me. "Fuck!" he said as he threw down his bag. He breathed heavily and the train began to move. He took out his Ipod and swore again and smacked it's shiny, white plastic. He turned his head to put the buds in his ears, first the right, then the left. Next, he produced a Subway sandwich. He’d flipped the seat in front of him to form a table. He spread the paper out and opened his cheese chips bad. He rigidly ate it, keeping his back straight. Yet, he was {something that isn’t a word}. He ate the chips one by one, but speedily. He finished the sandwich and squished the wrapper into a ball. He drank his Orange Crush with a straw. A preposterous motion that reminds me of eating pizza with a fork and knife. Eventually came a candy bar, which he ate rigidly, too, however, he stared out the window. Precisely the moment he finished, he produced a small, unidentifiable object. He opened a valve and blew into it. Ah, a neck pillow. He still has not removed his awful turtle shell-framed sunglasses. Ha, he relaxes. His shoes are off, he lounges with his feet on the opposing seat. He reads the Wall Street Journal. Khaki pants, white button-down shirt, brown belt, black socks, but brown shoes…not a complete travesty; he doesn’t have brown golfer socks.
Train Entry Two
Seven stops ‘til mine. I've just finished an entertaining short story from a book written in ’67 of contemporary stories. However, it was written sometime between 1900-’20. I caught this kid kiddy corner to me glancing at me. Understandably, of course, cuz I must say, my eys have been taking glances at him as well. He sips his jamba juice and is semi-reading a magazine with a title, from what I can read, can only be inferred as Giant Robots. He’s not spectacularly interesting, but that’s part of the allure, I suppose. The lady in front of him is about thirty-two and her name is Jennifer. She has a pleasantly fake demeanor. Above them is a silent, but interesting girl who appears to be drawing. At first, I was confused as to her gender, but then she was looking out the window. Oh, my writing is atrocious. I came up with an idea. Perhaps one that would be best noted in film form, but a challenge to write; I think I’ll try it. I constantly observe people anyway, like the way the older couple in front of me match in burgundy sweaters or the sociology and chemistry student who has been talking to the kid across the aisle about her classes. He responded with a slight Russian accent. Above is a man who was yelling on the phone in Spanish, although I was confused as to where it came from at first. How simply interesting everyone else is and how dully boring I am. I make observations between my friends and I, but they are relationships about which I couldn’t possibly write about; they have no story to which I could find the beginning and the end.
So my idea is to write of the train and convos I hear. Then, I’ll invent small stories, Shelock Holmes style. Perhaps that’s what Sir Arthur Conan O’Doyle began doing. Questioning whether the old couple discussed wearing burgundy today. Or if the woman intends her pleasant bullshit. It may be that the boy that just exited the train, the boy who has left my life forever, was just as interesting in my as I had been in him and his magazine.
He’s putting eye drops in her eye. I wonder if she turns up his hearing aid.
Strange. A Barbie Jeep in a bike rack. A funny picture it is to see a business man dressed for work riding on the sidewalk and parking his daughter’s Jeep there. Perhaps an example of never growing up…a good ad for Disneyworld, eh? You can be an adult and do adult things, but don’t forget to have as much fun as a kid on the way there.
The man is holding plastic on his nose. It looks like a bib from Bob Chin’s. Oh, an ice pack. A sinus infection?
Ah, my stop.
Train Entry Three
I picked up my stuff instead of sleeping, but no one is too terribly interesting that I have to write about them. The girl is reading Intro to Information Technology. She has an orange highlighter. My mind is pretty blank, actually. I was just thinking how, despite how fundamental the idea is, Patrice is like a dog that licks your face and sits beside you when you cry. That’s why people easily return to her after their spurt of deciding someone self is more interesting for a time. I do pity her for that, because it’s quite the painful commodity to have: ditched and regained after the other has lost interest. For once, I notice it in myself and add it to the list, rather than exclude myself. So I feel particularly horrible to be a burden and such, because I know it’s not the last time, but I feel bashfully grateful for her care. I don’t consider myself “wounded” in the least from Justin, but rather “off-track”. I've strayed and she’s a kind, familiar map that’s always in my pocket and I know so, but sometimes I grow immune to the presence. That’s something that really goes for the lot of my friends: the immunity, and so, I apologize. Kristen’s my warning sign, a reflector-coated neon-coated roadblock updater. I also owe her an apology for not listening to her warnings because she’s consistently right. I know I should feel lost, because I am, but at the same time, I’m remotely comfortable with the position.
As if the constant, intangible debt and guilt is not enough, I am in monetary debt of either party as well. I have a job, so money will come soon, but there are things I want. I know stress will soon bear down on me too much and I will need protective services in my vulnerability, although I will refuse to admit it. One stop. G’day.
Train Entry Four
I know I should do my chem. But I've though so much since 11:03AM (it’s 11:37). I was drawing with my dry erase marker and I organized my binder. I have a paper due Thursday. (“Tickets, please!” that reminds me-I got a ticket in front of Patrice’; that’s $75 on top of the $105.50 I owe for skipped tolls. Way to go, Jorie.) The girl behind me is asking her friend questions that intrigue me as to what her response could be. She told her she was being a hypocrite and things I related to my own stupidity with Justin; how could I be so dumb for so long? I suppose it’s all about the picture you’re standing so close to that you see a small portion that’s so beautiful, you won’t let your friends pull you back to see how hideous the entire thing is. Your perception is warped when you’re that close.
“I think you’re naïve. I think you don’t know. No-that james lies.”
Wow, that’s honesty. Oh, why did I start thinking? Yes. I saw justin’s mum. She didn’t say hi or anything when I smiled at her. I wonder if she knows. I know and accept everything that happened and I sort of feel like I’m hiding from it. Seeing her is like synchronicity. That Carl Jung is a silly bitch.
Patrice gave me a valentine. I want to make her something. Maybe a secret admirer thing, lol.
Know what drives me nuts? Donut. DONUT?! HOW PRIMITIVELY LAZY!!! THE WORD IS DOUGHNUT! In fourth grade, we had to correct ssentances for spelling and grammar everyday. That was one of those words! What is a nut? A pit; a center of a fruit. A doughnut is a ring of dough, missing its nut. That’s logical, although more so would be nutless dough, but then there’s evolution of the word. Donut, on the other hand- DO?! Do can be pronounced dū, in which case, it’s a verb. Dō can be a musical tool for tuning one’s voice, however, DO-NUT makes no logical sense! I've seen it twice today and it’s lazy! T hat’s like writing BAL-A on your building because it’s shorter. Or the online slang used on a building. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for being different, so whomever was first to say, “Hey, I’m not going to label my joint by what I sell, but make it recognizable by the spelling,” the way corporationsdo with colour and placement, but donut is now socially acceptable to the point where I had an argument with someone who insisted that donut was correct.
“What’s up, my home skillets? &hearts Chica 2/10/06”
Sorry, I know it was a pointless rant but it is a reflection of how easily society is swayed, my opinions of which are persuaded by V for Vendetta as well as sociology class.
Gosh, I've written a lot. I sort of miss Ian and Zak. I’m afraid to see them because of Justin’s influence on them. He’s very persuasive.
On the other hand, most everyone seems to like me at Yardhouse. However, none of which are probably friend quality, as far as I can tell. Amanda’s going to apply, so that’ll be cool.
I've been hanging out with Trix. Oh, I love Patrice! I just hope she doesn’t get annoyed or anything. I want to hang out with Kristen, too, but she’s crew and I have work and school, so there’s NEVER time. I’m done-Golf, that’s the line into the knowledgeable. Glenview. I’m glad I don’t have to work today.
Are you a purple cow?
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pixeldot
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2006 9 February :: 12.49pm
:: Mood: confused
"Crushes" are a curse by god, sent to all typical teenage females. Thus, I regretfully anounce that I have, once again, been smitten by the nasty love bug. But it's an actual person now! An actual flesh and blood human living in a 100 mile radius of my house, whom I talk to on a regular basis. Not an anime character, or video game foe, or old poet from the 19th century, or hollywood star.
Yes... I have a new crush. Rather, this is an old crush. A WAY old crush.
I recently went through my old personal diary entries... written WHILE I was going out with stunkel (Written in April 2005). It said...
"It's probably some sort of moral sin to look upon your boyfriends best friend with a romantic gaze...."
Then in a later entry, in July 2005...
"Jorie told me today that I should go out with him. I feel as though I was turning a blind eye to fate by shrugging the possibility off."
Are you a purple cow?
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sandatthebeach
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2006 1 February :: 12.22am
:: Mood: frustrated
I'm so incredibly confused with...everything. The truth is...I still miss him even though I shouldn't. I hate myself sometimes...like now. I'll stop hating after a little bit...but for now...me=no love.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2006 28 January :: 6.30pm
:: Music: the strokes-"juicebox"
we didnt actually go apartment shopping. patrices mummy had an appointment and then it was too late. so we're supposed to go next week. i made oatmeal pancakes! :)
i went to orientation today at yardhouse. my shirt is a small but it goes past my butt...it's like a dress. so i admit, im never out now. it's a little boring, so i cant wait for work to be all the time. ::sigh::
i have to write a paper before tuesday and my homework for monday is to feel my face. lol. i have to find the bones and the highlights and shadows in my face so that when we do "corrective" stage-makeup, we can understand where to draw lines and how much to blend. but i've done that before for drawing, so im not too worried...
heh...this song is called "juicebox". that actually sounds really good... maybe ill watch a movie...then ill run once my food's partially digested.
that's all. :)
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2006 26 January :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Urinetown - It's a Privilege to Pee
This Last Week
i got urinetown! wooo!
tomorrow, trix and i are going to look at apartments! woo!
i got the job at yardhouse. Eight dollars an hour. twenty hours a week. that's one-sixty a week. times four is six-forty. that's a lot! woo!
i like my classes. mondays and wednesdays i go from acting to stage makeup (and on wed to molecules in art and life {chemistry}) and then tuesday and thursday i go to theories of personality (psychology) and sociology. im satisfied. :)
um...i've not been hanging out with justin since the stabbing. Read more..
That's the same thing as my xanga, if you've already read it.
Are you a purple cow?
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sandatthebeach
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2006 18 January :: 12.20am
So...it's been awhile. I know. But I need to type somewhere that's not completely private but is somewhat forgotten. I would keep it private but I keep too many thoughts to myself and it's doing a lot more damage than good.
And I apologize in advance: this entry is about the boy.
So I admit...I've become exactly what I've always swore I wouldn't. I've become that attached girlfriend who can't stand to be away from her boyfriend. I can't stand myself right now. I swore I would never become this attached to another boy again. Not while in highschool at least. Brian left for school on Monday and let me tell you, I have not been very happy these past couple of days. Wait...he left yesterday...two days ago technically speaking. He could've left around 9 or 10 on Monday but because he wanted to check with parking services he left at 1:30...way too early. He got there...and of course...it was closed. Just my luck. My moodiness began there. I cried a lot on Monday. I was teary this morning on my way to school and during my Music Theory final, I just wanted to run outside and scream. I'm so fucking mad at myself for being this way. He hung up on me telling me I had to go to bed because I have finals tomorrow. Fuck finals...I don't even care anymore. I just want to get out of here. I want to grow and move out. I can't live here anymore...it's driving me up the freakin wall. And it's only making me hate myself more and swallowing myself up in my hatred of myself. I don't deserve to be happy therefore I am miserable. The only time I'm not miserable is when I'm with him. And that bothers me greatly...because I've become exactly what I go against. What happened to my independence? What the fuck?!!?! I let some guy throw it away...and he didn't even do it...in fact if he finds out, he'll be so incredibly mad at me. God I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking frustrated with myself. You know what? I love him. I really really love him. I know he can be a little extreme at times and do things to make people go crazy...but I don't care. I don't care. He's the first person who has actually made me feel wanted in this world. He's the only person that I can be around without being afraid of being judged. He's the only person that has seen the real me...and that scares me in a way...because I feel like I trust him too much this soon. I mean. It has been 6 and a half months....but still....I wasn't supposed to fall for him like this yet....it wasn't part of my "plan". I'm frustrated.
Whatever.
-me-
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2006 16 January :: 7.54pm
alright. im cleaning things out. im going to go through my journal and anything about justin is going to be printed and read. ill reassess my stupidity and consider dropping him. in fact, liking him has been considered by far. i dont think i care to drop him as a friend right now, although it's probably going to happen if i move to chicago with patrice ::crosses fingers and hopes really hard::
im angry. the library doesnt have any bright eyes or the other interpol cd in right now and best buy doesnt have bright eyes at all. :(
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2006 15 January :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: "mistakes"-godsmack
last night i spent the night at patrices, which i know i've written about in here. it's always an awakening/realisation/relaxation/hope refiller. patrice is just great. i love her so much.
we discussed how awful it'd be to be stuck in a college campus with only college kids. we discussed moving downtown together. it'd be loads of fun and we could get along and stuff, as proved by our week at ryans.
it's sad. i realised that if i wanted to stop hanging out with justin and zak, id be left with kristen and patrice, which i dont mind. but it'd mostly be kristen, who i also love, but when it's only two of you, it's your ideas just bounced back and forth and no reformation after a while because you tend to adjust just to each other. it happend with jen and i kinda hate it. and there's patrice, but her and i have the same issue. she hates when ryans not around cuz it's like she's invading my space, which it doesnt feel like at all, but it's the same with me. i'd feel badly cuz i always feel like ryan doesnt want me around, even though i've been told otherwise.
i suppose it's a self-esteem issue, but everyone has those, right?
i talked to some friends from grade school recently. it makes me really glad i stopped hanging out with them. some of them are so shallow and others conceited and others so confused with themselves that they dont know which way to walk to their bed when it's right in front of them.
i suppose im the same way though. i know i can be egotistical and forceful and controlling and shallow and evil and soulless...but at the same time i know i cant be so awful because people still talk to me...im sure they arent that desperate.
so thanks for putting up with me, guys. im going to hang out with the buttface and ryan now. we're going shoe shopping! woo!
g'day, then!
3 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2006 11 January :: 3.03pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Avenged Sevenfold-"Bat Country"
Hello.
I've been watching videos. Currently, the used "in love and death" and it has clockwork orange references! :) And I like my chemical romance videos. You should check out bright eyes "bowl of oranges". And I hate simple plan. A lot. You should list to Interpol, though. I’m listening to evil now. I like their lyrics and his voice.
I’m going to go buy some pants at Carson’s, assuming I can find some for less than twenty dollars...it's sort of a pointless search, eh? Oh, well. Something to do.
So we've discovered that Justin has an insane amount of jealousy when I go near another guy. I love knowing when someone cares, but you know how easy it is to say and show it? It’s so much harder to hide it...it's nice to know he cares. It isn’t even just other guys. He’s so protective of me, as if he's afraid ill get hurt. And he gets angry with anything he doesn’t like...and Zak pointed out that he expects a lot more from me than anyone else. By the way, this isn’t me getting my hopes up so much as feeling this strange sense of victory.
It seems kind of bad to feel like I’ve won something, but I seem to be altering the people with whom I’m hanging out. They’re just tiny things but it's satisfying to see some ramifications streaming from me. It makes me feel like I have some importance.
Of course, that also means that I’ve been changed. But I don’t mind so much; I honestly don’t think I could come out of a friendship unchanged. And contrary to what some people think, I don’t think that they are all bad changes. And I’m also not the only one changing. I think it’s a fear. As if changing the places you go and the people you hang out with isn’t enough, changing habits and beliefs is tough to accept.
I just realized: I don’t even know what complacent means. It’s okie. Ill look it up before I post. Yes, I’m right.
Goodbye.
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 29 December :: 11.22am
and yet another dream this morning.
i went to a small shop, boutique like, somewhat like i remember all the ocean-side shops being in florida. i couldnt even tell you exactly what it sold...but i couldnt find wht i was desperately searching for. it didnt worry me though, so i just browsed. i remember old people sweaters and shiny leotards being sold. i watched some guy for a bit...then walked over to a middle table. the guy who worked there asked if i needed help. the scene changed; i was working there. i was fixing some stuff and then he said i should go help them. them was ashley grebe and a couple other people i didnt know. ashley was on a ladder putting something on the wall, which at first i thought was a display, until a guy took down the shelf to dust it off. ashley had been standing on it, however, but rather than falling, she held on to...the wall. i asked how she did it and she said, im just holding on. when she eventually came down, she shook her fingers through her hair which i thought would make it puff, but it just went back to pretty curls. i think that's about it.
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 28 December :: 10.49am
:: Mood: blank
i dont remember the two when zak was over,
but then the night before last:
i was walking up a grassy hill with a chainlink fence to my right. i looked over the fence and (on the other side, the hill fell about three stories) there's a road. on the other side of the road was yet another chain link fence, which then led into the depaul campus. i came upon a tree on my left, and i was looking at all the buildings of the campus. they had blue roofs. i saw a bottle of laundry detergent hanging on the tree (All brand). i got angry that someone would put it there and so threw it over the fence. i watched it almost hit one of the group of girls standing outside the campus, then quickly backed away because i knew my white shirt would be seen. i started to run, but i couldnt go fast enough. i figured it was just the grass, so when i got to the asphalt and it wasnt any easier, i took off my shoes. the running didnt get easier. but soon, there were a lot of cars in sight and the ocean. i was coming to a dock. but then i woke up.
Then this morning, about a half hour ago:
i lived in a dorm room with 4(?) other people. i woke up and my roommates told me that we'd had some people who think they live in our room. soon enough, they came in. they're all black, girls and guys. the first comment that is made by one of them is a derogatory white people comment (i dont remember it). i got angry and was like "woah, buddy. if we're going to solve this problem, we have to get something straight first". i held my arm up to his and began to tell him that "colour is not an issue, because there are different shades even within our own races" and the picture changed to his friend and that guys girlfriend, who're laying on the couch together. He agreed, and we began to discuss the dorm itself. we argued that we had been there first, and they had just arrived. he said, "yea, but we've definatly made home". picture switches to a picture frame with the lot of them in it. so we worked on figuring out how they even got a key. they were handed it and i made the brilliant connection that they were going to kick us out, which we knew the reason for, but i cant remember now. so we were happy in the room and whatever. then the dream switched to another room. i was in the back, against a wall, but there was music playing and people dancing. i acknowledged the fact that only white people were dancing until shannon green got up and joined them. i started to try to text someone but i couldnt get a signal and once i had chosen my recipient and typed the message, i decided to change recipients.
Are you a purple cow?
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