My Own Little World

:: 2005 22 December :: 3.29pm

This morning, i had a strange dream.

i was on an airplane for a school trip (?), and for some reason, it never lifted off the ground. i was no longer on the plane, and upon being fifty or so feet away, i realised it was under a bridge on the beach of the lake (?). i knew that the plane would soon blow up, and began to run. The plane blew up, the bridge above it crumbled, the ground cracked down the beach, and half the city shook. i turned around when the explosion finished. the plane was upside-down, the bridge ended just over the water, and i was overcome with worry for katie(?), who was inside the plane. i ran over, screaming for her. i opened the door and saw her face with someone elses. i tried to communicate that she needed to get out, and someone was huge enough to pick up the plane and try to shake her out, with no go. her father had already exited the plane, and we decided that he, unharmed, should get the people inside. she finally came out; no one died, but our biggest deal was that the school projects had all been ruined.

:: 2005 19 December :: 11.53pm
:: Mood: calm

i am pleasantly thoughtless.

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 16 December :: 1.34pm

now i have an immense amount of shame. i want to hide. i want to die. why did i tell anyone? i know. because i wanted to change my image. i knew that before. i knew that and i told people. i guess all i wanted in the first place was to be told that i should have no doubts, btu the only person who could convince me didnt. i wish he had. i wish he loved me, too. now, ive hurt myself and everyone around me. how dumb, how perfectly stupid i am. that doesnt make anything better. i see how the cycle perpetuates. i wont do it again though.

what do i want? why does everything feel so wrong? why do i ask so many questions? why does it hurt that everyone is angry at me...why?

:: 2005 12 December :: 9.00am

pigeons!
if you want a little entertainment, go to google and type in cold pigeon and find the images. all the ones that their heads hidden in their little bodies look like the ones i pass everyday. it makes me kinda sad that they're so cold because it's not their fault that people are dumb and feed them, but at the same time, they are sooo cute.

i woke up really late...like six-thirty. that's usually when am getting on the train. but oh, well. technically, i should be in class now until nine-twenty, but i didnt want to walk in a half hour late when, lately, ive been walking in fifteen minutes late anyway. so ill just ask someone on facebook for the notes.

i asked zak to drive me on wednesday in the morning and he could take my car, but i get the feeling that wont go over so well with my parents, so am going to talk to tyler to see if he will take me with him on the cta. then he can drive me and i dont have to worry about my car at all. im actually kind of excited to go to al's on wednesday, but it's kind of a pain in the ass because of the car and i need like twenty dollars (of which i have negative) and i'll probably get bitched at by the vh kids who depend heavily on me for my car. that never makes me feel good to think about.

ama go study for japanese because we have the chapter five test today and it's the last and then on wednesday i only have a history final and a party!!! woo! but i have to finish a paper before friday, which is weird, cuz the last class is today...

:: 2005 11 December :: 1.22am

Finals make me nervous....i havent studied yet. That sux.

2 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34pm

Ok just cuz i'm on a xanga break doesn't mean i cant write in here right?

Good cuz i'm bored.

And I'm eating through this thing of cookie dough. Its amazing.
I've lost weight since I got here so its ok...because this is amazing.

This is more of my analyzation journal anyway.

Once i finish this cookie dough im going to study...it needs to be done.

I learned all about plants today...gymnosperms, angiosperms, conifers...haha man its super. I know all of their reproduction cycles too ::nods:: Im so smart...::rolls eyes::

I need Kingdom Hearts...it stops all thoughts.

I've hit a certain degree of insanity, i've hit it with a large hammer that doesnt even exist.

O.o
a'g;lhjrh-]iikht

I'm going to study and pray that it saves me from myself.

~Jackie

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34pm

:: 2005 10 December :: 3.07am

So you're afraid of coming to conclusions [about yourself], thereby possibly nullifying other possibilities.
You want to remain open minded to the point that you can't trust your own intuitions.

true for me?

:: 2005 8 December :: 1.14pm

I failed my bio test...i really honestly dont think i can become a doctor. I am failing freshman year biology!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Yea not good. Fuck i screwed my friends speech over so bad so now i have to go help her...we have to add a minute to her speech. Adios

:: 2005 4 December :: 12.59am

have you ever been walking up the stairs and you forget that there isnt a step...so you prepare for one...and sort of lunge forward because of surprise and then upright yourself, and look around to make sure no one's looking?

Read more..

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 3 December :: 2.50am

I'm Sad...i dunno why.

:: 2005 3 December :: 1.24am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: skindred

I PASSED CLEP ON WEDNESDAY! woo no english classes...but six credits!!!

am a little worried about doing well in school, because dad will be angry.

justin's so frustrating. i have half a mind to not even talk to him anymore, but then it would hurt too much...but maybe just not to talk to him for a bit, but then he'd be angry.

but he wants me to be him...not to be me. that's frustrating too. why cant i be hyper or sad when i feel what i do? why does he critisize everything i and everyone else do?

no one has ever inspired me to do so much artwork when i think about them. in fact, whenever id done it before, it was to give to them, not in reminisence of them. the hand picture, a poem, a descriptive story, a painting...that isnt soemthign that anyone has made me do before.

how is someone so controlling so appealing?

its sad how ridiculously infatuated i am with him. and yet, everytime he tells kristen to get over stunkel, i cant help but wonder if he's really talking to me.

i dont know ama take a bath. g'night

:: 2005 2 December :: 5.38pm

Hi...im still alive but sickness is killing me....i hate school. Grades not so hot. I dunno. im just tired. nothing really new im just sick adn tired adn whiney! im gonna go shopping so ill take out my not happiness on that. :) maybe ill find a good thrift store!!!

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 2 December :: 11.30am

So I feel like being creative but its hard because laziness is over-powering my creativeness. Damn.

I did start writing a new story in chem today though. I figured it was a better-much more entertaining use of my time. I've completely given up on chem...its a waste of time to even try to learn it. It can go fuck itself.

But yeah i've been thinking a lot about what I want/need. I realized that I don't like myself- nothing new there but that perhaps what i'm looking for relationship-wise is someone who can make me like myself.

I think its basically impossible. I've doubted everyone i've dated...in my mind they had no reason to like/love me, my explanation was just that they didnt know me or they didnt realize that they didnt really love me or what not. But then again that could just go back to me believing that I'm not worth being liked/loved...its quite the strange circle.

::shrugs:: I'm pretty calm today...those are just recent thoughts you know?

This is only in here because this journal (dear lord i almost spelled that "Gernal"!) is relatively safe...i think.

In other news, i'm getting sick :( My tummy hurts mucho...ever since yesterday and its not going away :(

In better news erm um...not sure.

I lose.

Heh.

Alright bye.

~Jackie