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2004 10 June :: 9.38am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Vesuvius" - Frank Ticheli
When one little kiss means so much; maybe it shouldn't
I know that I didn't forget. And despite my in experience in the subject, unless someone was lying to me, I know enough to not be too terribly bad.
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m&ms487
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2004 9 June :: 6.32pm
| Informationi | | m&ms487 is a restricted area. Authorised personel only |
From Go-Quiz.com
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spud
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2004 8 June :: 5.36pm
:: Mood: hungry
Arachniphobia!
| "ACHTUNG! | | spud may actually be a spider-human hybrid |
From Go-Quiz.com
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2004 7 June :: 1.03pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "Please Answer" Ashley Grutter
Life
Well things have taken a definite turn.
I really hate it when people worry about me. Or rather agonize over situations involving me and my reaction. Irrational fear is the pygmy of the world. Don't ask me where that came from, but it did.
She wants to please people so bad that she's forgotten about herself.
Her sense of life has been all but drained
Because her life is not hers.
I can say that now. Things are problems but not that bad.
This was supposed to be a happy post and it is. I can't stop smiling now and for the first time in a few weeks I'm back to be me. I just have to remember to be me and become so introverted and self-loathing that things don't get discussed. Because this time we have talked, and believe it or not it is a big step for us. Together again, we have set out to make sure that the mistake of miscommunication, or rather lack of communication has been rectified. Truth be told is the motto of the day. I'm glad because I very rarely would have it any other way. God Bless you all and please help me with my spelling.
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2004 5 June :: 1.02am
:: Mood: exhausted
i keep forgetting shit.
like clothes, and a calculator, and number two pencils.
t-minus 7 hours until i begin taking the SAT.
fuck my uncle.
i gotta get to bed.
mle's open house tomorrow.
we got to go out on the boat today. that rocked my fucking socks off.
and i got to joyride in the car some. which was fun.
put me in an awesome mood.
now i'm gonna go read harry potter until dad gets back with my calculator.
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2004 4 June :: 11.35pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: "Let Her Cry" Hootie and the Blowfish
Tonight
Tonight was much better. Later when you were on the phone I had to remind myself that, no, we will not be together. But other than that everything was fine. Whether I think that a lot of our relationship now is completely superficial has no bearing on what we are and that is friends. Wow. Could this be any more grammitically in correct?
Connie. READ MY JOURNAL. It holds wisdom. It also holds all my depressing thoughts that I want you to know about.
I saw you tonight Andy. You went flying by, and managed to slow down a little at the blinking light.
Today was better. I'm glad I have people at work like Keith and Dale to talk to so I don't drive myself completely insane.
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2004 4 June :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: better
Festival
So, just an update. I see someone on my friends list is considering going to Festival tomorrow. I just wanted to let all of you know that I will be playing at Festival. 5:30pm@ at the Outer Rim stage. The act name is officially listed as Zac and Ashley Grutter.
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m&ms487
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2004 3 June :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: awake
So denied
So I lied
Are you the now or never kind?
In a day
And a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing
To be had
Are you cool with just tonight?
Here's a toast
To all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name
On the line
Along with place and time
Wanna stay
Not to go
I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast
To all those
Who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast
To all those who know me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
God I love that song so much.
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2004 3 June :: 4.47pm
No more school.
*jumps up and down gleefully*
Melting Pot
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*quietly* salad bowl
hehe
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2004 2 June :: 9.58pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: "I Need You" Jars of Clay
Well this is getting really pathetic
I don't think I've updated this much since I was in high school.
The more and more I think about it the more it becomes true. Somt of those people who I know who profess faith really do not feel it. I have to admit, I was. I didn't have some great revelation where all the sudden everything was clear and I could feel God's love, but I do know it's there. That's what I really wonder about sometime. Do you really feel it? Do you know it's there? It's almost to the point where it's infathomable to me to not know. Or how to live without it.
I'm playing at Festival in GR this weekend. Hopefully everything works out well. Last time I was up on stage, my stage presence was next to nothing. I was so focused on not screwing up that I didn't enjoy myself. Now I know I will. There are just some things that you have to keep focused on, then tere are other times where you just have to constantly do until you feel comfortable doing them. I think being on stage is one of those. Of course probably sex is as well.
I'm looking two ways at this summer. I think it's giong to be a great summer and I will learn alot about myself. Life never stays the same and I think it's time for me to move on with certain things. I think my job has got me to a certain point where there is nothing that could possibly change my mind on leaving. I've been there for two and a half years and everyday I hate going there. Not just because of what the job is. There are times where I actually enjoy my job. The only thing that keeps it interesting anymore is the people I work with, but not even that. Now I'm getting to the point where I feel like a relic. When we hired people this spring they seemed to have some semblence of respect for people who had been there longer, but this new group does not. There's also nothing new for me to learn. It's a duality that has always made me mad. I know enough to be a manager, but a retarded person could get hired and still have exactly the same status as I do on paper. When they don't need a good person because other good people are working, they treat you like crap, just to put you into your place. Just to remind you that you could be replaced at a moments notice. I don't know. I am very convinced that this time I really am burnt out.
Good advice that I heard once at the end of the song, but it strikes good for everything in life, and that is "end on the hopeful note" so I will do that.
I am okay with being alone. Tomorrow is another day. Hell, two years without piqueing a girls interest, then I find out about two in one day. For the last month, nothing can get better than that, until the next best thing comes along.
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2004 2 June :: 11.30am
:: Mood: planning
Baseball
Well, given my enjoyment of baseball, and my seeming want to enjoy the company of others, I would like to plan a baseball get together. I was planning on taking a trip to Detriot this summer to watch the Tigers, now that they are actually good. I am, however, hesitant to drive to the most crime riddled city in the nation by myself.
I am openly inviting any of my friends who wish to be included in this venture. it could be on a weekend, or not. We could spend the night or not. The only requirments are that you have to be my friend, well not really, and you have to have money. Right now the most probable date looks like June 26 or 27. Night game followed by a day game. I have room in my car for three, or possibly four people. The gas trip is free because I was planning on making the trek anyways. So leave a comment here if you are interested.
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2004 2 June :: 10.20am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "American Girls" Counting Crows
Life is like a box of chocolate, you always know your going to get chocolate
Thank you to the two of you here that seemed to either understand that yesterday was my birthday, or remembered it. I spent so much time talking about it in the last few weeks that I really thought she might call yesterday, but she didn't.
All I have to do is change my expectations. All of the sudden I have to change what I was expected. Now I'm disappointed that I'm not coming back to someone. I wasn't before, but now it's weird. It's about changing expectations. Now to know that there is not much to look forward to until August.......
In times like these I guess that there is only one thing to do and that is to look inward. Look on the inside and figure out how to improve me. How to improve who I am, what I think, what my mental state is, what my physical nature is. It is now time to improve me.
Which led me to take a walk last night. Just two miles, to the end of my road and back. While I figured I would get some exercise I did not realize what an enjoyable, nature realted and spiritual journey it would be. To most people a walk is a walk and they would not have noticed the things that I did, or maybe they would. They may, however, not have an appreciation for it. Total animals sighted comes to seven deer, five rabbits, two woodchucks, and a squirrel. The funny thing is that when I was coming back I was praying. I was asking God why I didn't feel His embrace. I feel His love constantly, but not his embrace. Then I looked down the road, and there was the first deer.
Some little yappy dog tried to attack me too. I yelled at it, and I was not scared in the slightest because with one kick I was fairly confident I could dispose of it.
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2004 1 June :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: angry
I really shouldn't be like this. It's quite annoying. To me, to everyone. I don't want to screw all this up. I'm afraid of doing that, so terribly afraid.
Things were a little off today. Okay, a little more than a little off. Today went by SO fast, I don't know where it all went. The scary part is that I don't remember a lot of it. I was closed in, and I wasn't aware of the changing world around me. Sometimes that's good in high school, and yet, it reminds me of a while back. I've been doing a lot of thinking about that lately. Probably brought on my new found happiness and whatnot. I only know two things right now:
1. I never want to be like that again
2. It made me see the other side of things, the darker side of life
I remember waking up the morning after, I keep going back to that.
"We've got work to do"
I love that, "We". I was the only fucking person that did anything. It was my choice in the end, and you left it to me, I don't think you really realize how close I was. I said I wasn't, but I was, and now that I'm back from that, I can look back and forgive you, but I still don't know why you did what you did. I probably don't want to know. God damn it. I wanted out of my fucking life. Didn't that tell you something? I was really fucked up, and you did little more than nothing.
I want all this anger to run out of me, like blood from a wound, just run and pool at my feet and dry and be done with forever. I don't want it anymore. Maybe it's the anger that keeps me going sometimes, but right now it just makes me want to cry. It's getting in the fucking way of everything. I'm letting it, wait, no, I have no control over it.
I think I need an attitude adjustment.
Blah Blah Blah.
School's almost done with. Thank god. I don't think I could stand another week of all that shit. Everyone going behind each other's backs, the pettiness, god, and I hate it when I realize that I did it too.
I only saw it until i was on the outside looking in. Two god damn more years. I'm ready to be out already, hopefully this summer will provide temporary relief, and then i can spend my last years superficially, everything hurts a bit less that way, when it's superficial. It's easier to swallow, to digest. I hate to be the one to look on and past what goes on, but I realize it now more than ever that I can't change it. No one can. They'll do what they do until they change. I hate that. Seeing people waste their live's away, not doing anything. I don't think they're lazy, I think they're scared to live. Even possibly exist. I was once, I know that. But I hid inside myself, they hide behind sex, and drugs, and alcohol, and their petty gossip, and $70 pairs of jeans and high heeled shoes and slutty tanktops and thongs that they know everyone sees because they don't know how else to get the attention. The stupidity, the whiny helplessness. This is where they become real people. These are real people. I AM a real person. I don't appreciate being treated like a damn 13 year old. And you know, it's not the authority's fault, it's my "peers" because they fucking act like it. They're hiding, they don't know how to come out, when they don't realize that all they have to do is take that step. All you have to do is trust yourself and defend yourself, no matter what you think. That's the only kind of respect that's worth receiving. That's the only kind of respect that will stick to you. And that's all what we're looking for in life, isn't it? Respect. It's what we've been starved of our whole lives, that's what causes rebellion, the drugs, the sex. If only we had a little respect, that's what they say. Well, you know how you get respect? You earn it. You earn it from people your respect, people who's idea's count. People who could take you somewhere in life, or better yet, people who YOU could take somewhere in life.
Enough bitching for now. The pool has collected on the floor.
-michelle-
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2004 1 June :: 10.36am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Forever Young" - Rod Stewart
Birthday
Well everyone, I have now hit one more transition into adulthood. I am no longer a teenager, a fact that I have been dreading for weeks.
Twenty Years old is nothing special really. It just changes your frame of mind. Mostly because you can't use the excuse that you are just a dumb teenager anymore (despite the fact that I don't think I ever was). I just have to remember to contemplate the next year, and reflect on the previous, and not try to focus on an entire decade of my life. I can't say that it's amazing that I have made it to this point in my life. I have never been in a dangerous situation where my life was in peril. I still have not mastered the English language. I mean I write decent, but all the rest is just a mystery.
I've spent approximately one year of that decade in a relationship with a girl. Seems odd that when for 7.5 years of such a decade one spends absolutely enthralled by the opposite sex, wasting time and energy, that very little has come out of it.
That time has been one of other incredible growth though. In faith, intellect, and sheer personality. Well, truly most of that has come in the last five years, much of it in the last two, but it's a process.
I'd like to thank all of you who were out there for that crucial time in my life. Everything that you have contributed to who I am. Everyday should be a learning experience, and while I've always been very thick headed about learning lessons from others you all have taught me a great deal. For those of you who are about to effect my life in ways I have never dreamed of, be tolerant with me. I am a little slow and a lot stubborn. Be honest wiht me and realize that we all only get a chance to live life once, and I want the most out of it.
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2004 31 May :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Eve 6- Here's to the night
I wish I hadn't been thinking about that. It brought my whole day down, until you came, that is.
I kept going over all those times in my head. Especially the day after. How you made me cry like that for hours, how, in asking for help, I isolated myself from you. I should be mad at you for that, and I was, but I realize now more than ever, that you are just a person, a fragile person, and I will be stronger from this, and you will just keep on ignoring it, like you did from the beginning. But I'm better now. It's still there, I know, like today, was bad. I wanted to, but yet, I knew that it would make everything harder, a lot harder, and I didn't want to do that. Maybe it was just the day, i hope so. I've been so happy...so very happy, indescribably happy for the past few weeks.
Just go away and leave me be,
I'm happy, so be happy for me.
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2004 29 May :: 6.01pm
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: the smashing pumpkins
Are you male or female: Where Boys Fear to Tread
Describe yourself: Zero
How do some people feel about you: Behold! The Night Mare
How do you feel about yourself: Ugly
Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend: Fuck You (An Ode to No One)
Describe where you want to be: 1979
Describe what you want to be: Heavy Metal Machine
Describe how you live: In the Arms of Sleep
Describe how you love: Sweet Sweet
Share a few words of wisdom: We Only Come Out at Night
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2004 29 May :: 10.44am
:: Mood: still pissed off
:: Music: "Whiskey Girl" Toby Keith
When one little kiss means so little; the absence is a portend of things to come
So I successfully accomplished my goal. I collapsed in my bed and cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately I wake up this morning expecting myself to feel a little better, but I'm still almost as pissed off as I have been for the past five days now.
I find myself getting pissed for a myriad of reasons. Some have to do with her, some with others, and some with myself. Although, not normal for me, I really don't feel that down on myself. I mean there's always the obligatory, "What could I have done better?" But I'm not sure that that really applies in this situation. I should have been more aggressive. Perhaps, I don't know. Again, I lose because I can't relax and have fun. Story of my life huh? Why I can't do that is beyond me. In certain situations I can, but other times I can't and it really bugs me. Something to work on I guess. I need to work on partying.
I've already said his name, so what the hell. Darren really pissed me off because of what was going on. It was very obvious to everyone that he liked her. It's very obvious she liked him. I don't have a problem with that, except for the fact he's a loser, he was all over her when we were still together, and she did nothing, absolutely nothing to stop it. I just wished she hadn't wasted this last week by not talking to me.
I guess that's what I'm really the most pissed about. I had to wait almost a week for her to figure out what she was going to say to me when I knew what was coming. Almost a whole week of being so tired and pissed that I couldn't see straight.
Usually when people go through something like this they swear off the opposite sex. Well I'm not. I think each situation is unique in it's own way. It's taken me a while to come to that conclusion. Sure I'm being pissed now and depressed, but unlike other times in my life I know it's all going to be okay. Eventually it will be okay. Nevermind that I've liked her for almost 6 months and something I'd been hoping for almost came true. There's go to be another meaning behind all of this and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it escape me this time.
Last time, it took me almost two year to recover. Even now, I'm not completely. Not to say I'd be back together again, but it took me awhile and I think there will always be a place there for you. In some ways, and it is hard for even me to believe, she's more screwed up than you are/were. Not as an insult or anything.
So I leave you now with a song title from Gilbert O'Sullivan "Alone Again, Naturally."
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2004 29 May :: 12.45am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Blurry" - Puddle of Mudd
Four days of this; Now I feel better
Life just sucks sometimes.
I'm alone again. Long story short, well neither really. It is a nor a long or short story. No story really. I suppose there will be one over the next few days as I try to hash out my emotions here, but eventually it should all get told.
I have to apologize to Connie first. Dear, I'm sorry. I made the wrong decision. While I didn't see what I saw with her, I'm sorry it happened the way it did. Hindsight is 20/20. Do I regret it? Not really, but I'm sorry how I handled the situation.
I'm very tired and very pissed. I got so pissed over the past four days that I forgot why I was pissed. I remembered that I was, and who at, just not why. Then I thought, oh good, I don't remember, maybe everything will be okay. Nope. Walked in tonight and it was the same old shit. Oh well, fuck it. I swear, if Darren hadn't been drunk I so would have hit him tonight. He's a nice guy, but he was messing around with her before we talked. That is fucked up, you don't mess with that. I'm sorry.
Well, I'm going to go ball my eyes out now and sleep. Two things that I've felt like doing for days. Have a nice night.
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2004 24 May :: 6.45pm
:: Mood: listless
So many things have changed these past few weeks. I'm growing up, and my parents don't like it. I have a boyfriend, my driver's license, a first chair, a beautiful piccolo, some fake tanning lotion, and a straightening iron. There is no telling what kind of damage I could do with all those combined. Everything is going so fast, yet, not fast enough it seems sometimes. I've done things in the past weeks that I didn't think I could ever let myself do. It's a changing time, and I realize it. It scares the hell out of me. I don't want to end up like some of the people I know, and yet I find myself doing things, and thinking of them at the same time, knowing exactly where my actions could take me, into a place, into a life, that I don't want to go. I've been living for the moment, not really planning ahead that much, which is dangerous for me, because when I get to a point in time that I haven't planned for, things can get hectic, and I find myself lost, and unprepared. I think that's one of the things I hate the most, being unprepared. It shows a sign of vulnerablity.
Today was the last monday of my sophmore year that I have to be in school. It was so difficult to play in first hour, and then to react to everything else the rest of the day. It was a long long long day. Mrs. Dolbee gave out "The Grapes Of Wrath" today, I believe I'll be starting that tonight when I go to bed. It'll give me something else to dream about, too, not that my dreams lately have been all that horrible, either, they just make me think to much sometimes, and question the big picture. Sometimes I don't want to think, i just want to go along with everything. I just want to get by.
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2004 24 May :: 4.11pm
:: Mood: confused
I'm guessing that it's never going to get easier.
eh.
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2004 22 May :: 12.40am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Crazy On You" Heart
You never know when you could explode
I just feel like do something. Anything to relieve this anger I feel. It's just anger, pure anger and I do not know what causes it. I'm pissed because I can't get a hold of KIM and I really wanted to spend time with her tonight. Then I'm pissed that the thoughts keep creeping in. It makes me angry and I know if I were to give into it I would scare myself. If I could only do something.
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2004 21 May :: 3.27pm
:: Mood: grumpy
:: Music: Michelle Branch and Santana "Game of Love"
Yesterday
I was grumpy yesterday, and I am today. For many reasons, none of them too important.
Things at work aren't going the way I'd like. I need a new job, but I just feel incapable of getting to a better one.
I've wanted to get the grass cut up at the lake, but the stupid rain. I didn't get to it until Monday this week, and then again today. I sat around all day yesterday waiting for it to dry out.
I wrote an article for the Post about the softball sweep of EGR Wednesday. We're doing good this season. I'm still mad about the rain. We were supposed to play Lowell last Friday, but had to rescedule for today, then cancel and reschedule for Monday. We're 17-10. All I know is that I'm going to cry when this season ends because it's been such a good one.
Things in a ceratin part of my life are going well. Well as I could guess they should be. She's hard to read, and with my pension for making a mountain out of a mole hill, things can get dicey. I can't help but wonder sometimes if previous relationships have irreversibly damaged me. Well, no, I can't help but wonder and worry anyways. Calm down, breathe. Everything will be okay. Breathe. Romance may not be my ticket, but who knows what the future holds.
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2004 19 May :: 8.34pm
I am 67% pure.
*jingles keys* I have my driver's license as of 3:30 this afternoon. Other than my instance of depressive thought this evening, the day is going quite well. We even had a tornado drill during 6th hour. That was good. Very good. I got to see Rueben, again, very good. My room is fairly clean, and I have small amounts of homework.
I'm feelin' summer commin' on.
heehaww.
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2004 19 May :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: good
yeah.
life is okay.
in fact.
it's not too shabby.
damn near almost great.
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2004 18 May :: 2.39pm
And then I'll get through today, and I'll get through tomorrow, and the next day, and then the next. An endless circle of survial. For what point? I"m not exactly sure, but if the journey takes me this long, I can't wait to see what's waiting for me at the end.
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2004 17 May :: 8.34pm
awexome.
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2004 16 May :: 9.21pm
:: Mood: loved
Just a day/Just an ordinary day/Just tryin' to get by
I don't think you understand how much this is driving me crazy. I bet it's driving you crazy too. It better be.
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2004 16 May :: 5.29pm
:: Mood: bouncy
Gunny: Don't taint our Rueben
Rob: ..just...don't whore him up too much
Charlie: Girls are evil. Rueben's a nice guy.
*giggles* But I'm a NICE girl. I would never do anything like THAT.
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2004 16 May :: 11.52am
:: Mood: content
I kept waking up and thinking you were still there last night. It was disappointing to roll over and find just a pile of blankets.
Band concert today at two.
Come watch me dance and fall on my ass.
-michelle-
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2004 15 May :: 2.07pm
:: Mood: spantastic!
:: Music: incubus - here in my room
the spanker squad is moving up the rear.
yeah.
check it:
My goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Munchi Teapot, Yo.
What's yours?
Powered by Rum and Monkey.
yeah.
this is what we do at band practice.
sit around and play on the computer.
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