nothing
right then, im in a bit less of a ful mood now so ill speak again afer the weekend. (if anyones actually interested)

breaking down
I have just failed art. another worry to add onto my ever incresing pile. actually i have just diecided that i dont care... who am i kiding? of course i care. oh well- i cant complain its my own fault. i dont know why but i thought that me and 103- would be ok today but i must have really ticked her off in some way. i dont know how to make things better so i just make things worse by not saying anything and letting things fester. i feel ok writing this coz i dont think that she even bothers reading my journal anymore. why should she? 9i have given her no reseon to like me... only to hate me. but now i feel self centred- assuming that its all my fault... proberbly has nothing to do with me but i wish she would talk to me. oh well. what can you do? i dont know. still miss her and shes sitting about 9 feet away from me. we havent exchanged one word. and the people behind me are pissing me off...

Her
oh dear god help me. i really dont know what i have done. i am so confused.... just passed her on the stairs and she compleately blanked me. i want to shoot myself. i wish that i could just die. somebody kill me. just help me. please. i...i just dont know what to do. i think that she is the most important person to me in the world. what is the point of living without her? WHAT IS THE POINT????!!!!!! somebody please just tell me. i need to know... anyway- i slammed the door. she must of heard. what have i done? she must think that im fucked off with her. im not- im just so scared of losing her all together. i wish that she would speak to me. i need to know how she is feeling. i feel like my heart is breaking- i have lost the best friend in the world ever and i just dont know what to do about it. i want to make her happy again but i just seem to make things worse. shes going through soomething- dont know what but i want to be there to help her. i miss her. has just struck me that i dont "like" her anymore. i just want her back as a friend. this was not ment for public eyes- it was going on restricted but i changed my mind.

shit
fuck the world

meeeeee!! (again!)
sorry- if you bore easily then you might just wanna go away now! this is just gonna be a long babble about me!!! i've been feeling so up and down recently! god one minute im so hyper and the next i just feel so down- it really annoying and to be honest really very confusing. i to think of next year- one good point- less work! but then theres all of the bad points- im getting even older! i wish that i could remain the same age forever- about 8. not coz i was the best year of my life of anything but i just want to be a little girl again. also (i know its shallow but i was really popular!!!). now i am now longer poplular and the things that i have to worry about- however trivial- always seems to be expanding. i think that the worst thing about next year though, is going to be all my friends leaving me behind at scholl. ok so not all of them but the main ones that i really care for are and my biggest worry is that we'll lose touch forever. i dont think i could go on if we did. had a really wierd day today. catherine came up to the art room and apologised! random as that! after two years! this in itself is wierd but then she hangs out with me for the rest of lunch and i introduce her to rach which is also another ultra wierd factor! cath was always the one who led me astray in those day. she was the one that i followed around and admired (why i don't know) and so it was like a compition between us over who could be the bigger slut basically. it was her who introduced me to Greg (the guy i lost my virginity to) and it was a compition over who would lose there virginity first. speaking about it i feel so ashamed but we all do things that we regret right? anyway, we were both in no doubt that it would be cath who had been dating her b/ friend for over a year. but it was me. who had knonwn this guy for a fewweeks and had only ever met him a couple of times. i hate myself for it but its done now so what can i do? now it turns out hes gay.... what does that do to a persons self confidence when you look like i do anyway... v. masculine. i feel like drowning myself in the bath. but of course i won't.... would never dare.

hi.
Oh, hi C. I guessed it was you quite a while back believe it or not! Nice to hear from you again!! Didn’t you read my “guts through empty eye sockets” entry then? What a shame- I was quite proud of my use of vocabulary in it! Anyway, it would have told you that I knew it was you. (I think). How are you? I hope that your textiles exam goes well! I’m in my art exam right now! Good luck! - (I need your e-mail address! - can I have it?)

nothing really going on- justsaw my mates prom dress-- ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! its so nice!!! *you had better bloody wear it!!!!!*

nothing much.
had a really non- descript day. didn't really see much of any body and nothing worth mentioning happened so.... blluuurrhhh.... how boring! just found on the web a band called wiredshut- im really annoyed- its MY name! oh well, im over it!

stuff...
Just wondering- do you like the new colour scheme? hope so.
ok... to the not so mysterious commenter (sorry, is that a word?) few things to say. 1. do you really check everyday? why? bugger all to read! i have a boring life! 2. i don't not like you. honest. i just don't know you enough to like you yet. the only time i made any reference to not liking you i was really up in the air and i... well i was jealous!! sorry but i just get jealous really easily. and i know that i had no right and was not in a position to be jealous- but i was. im sorry if all this time you thought i really didn't like you- i just don't know what to think. 3. not worried that i don't like you more worried that you seem to hate me and are probably be willing to pull my guts through my empty eyesockets, barbcue them than give them to a dog to knaw on. (sorry readers if a bit graphic but was trying to think of something really nasty!) anyway thats even if you would bother to even come near me! i don't really quite understand why you seem to hate me so much! maybe we just don't mesh. if its coz of the 103- thing then- ha! i wouldnt worry! i was never really that much of a threat was i!
ok- now back to normal journal stuff. guess what? it was my birthday yesterday!!! and i was ill. :-( (ok, i know smilies are silly, but who cares!) cue for everyone to go- awww! oh well, i only wanted to be well for my party and i was, so im fine about it really. i havent actually mentioned the party really, but nothing much happened! i neglected all of my friends, it was ok for some coz they could amuse themselves coz theyre in the same "group" if you get what i mean, but i feel really bad bout one friend in particular. i should have made more of an effort. i delibarately kind of separated myself though, and i dont know why. i just dunno. but later in the evening, you no when you feel like being alone for a bit, but it seems like you're just being really attention seeking? (i know this because i always used to do it for attention, because i am a sad person!) well anyway, i seems old habits die hard coz half of me wanted to be alone and was enjoying the peace but the other half was begging fo someone to notice that i had gone and come out and find me so we could talk- coulda been anyone really but just someone. antway so i was out there, sitting alone, and i hear this lone voice asking if i was out there. i was touched that someone had noticed i had gone, and i wanted to notify them of my presence but i just couldnt speak. the 'peace and quiet' me won out and i kept quite silent (good choice or i just woulda talked bout nothing) but when they went i felt lonely again. but almost content about it. then someone else comes out and yells for me and i have to answer coz i no that she nos that im out there and wont give up til i reply, so i say yes im here and she comes out to poke me in the eye to see if ive been crying (i hadnt, like i said i had been content) and starts babbling away (ahhhh, go away! is what i think, which is mean coz shes only being nice you know?) and soon we get a little crowd gathered and i point out the stars (well actualy someone else does but im thinking it, coz id been staring at them for about 10 minutes) and i think yeay! theyll shut up and be in awe of the stars for afew seconds, but nope- they dont, except the person that mentioned them in the first place. im hoping to lag behing for a bit but im sucked back in side by the others. nothing then happens, cept for a half hearted game of truth and dare- which ok sounds sad but is sometimes quite enlightening. this time it wasn't it was just sad. and a late night cup of tea which ended up being quite significant. oh well, i doubt you have ever been more bored in your life! sorry.

yours truly
the pathetic attention seeker that no one wants to seek out.

survey- yay! Fun.

nothing
ok was gonna do a big long entry but bell just went so ill speak to you after the weekend. ahhhhh... what a shit day. person who left a msg for me- were you random?or do i know you? if i don't do you visit often? i replied anyway.

punched out.
i have just been beaten up! ok maybe a little exagerated but ohh my arm hurts! hmmm... what to say, i thought i should update but what the point when no one reads it! ummm... well who can blame them my non existant life ain't that eventful! oh well what is there to report? well i've been staying at 'the hut' which is like my ultimate favourite place in the world but *fuck you rachelle! 21 days til exams. :-(* miras staying there with me so it ain't that relaxing, i mean i need my own space you know so the other night i went and slept in the double bed in the other room coz i dont really like sleeping with other people in the room that much coz i feel closed in, im not clostrophobic or anything but i just do. dont get me wrong i dont mind it that muck but atfer i while i get really bored of it. anyway so lastnight just as i've taken all my stuff out the other room and settled into the double mira decides she wants to join me and sleep there aswell because she doesnt want to sleep in the other room on her own but i dont like sharing a bed when i want to be alone! so i end up sleeping on the sofa and staying up late and crying like mad coz shes watching titanic and laughing at me- ok for her she didnt have to get up early. i think its cool that she feels comfortable enough with me to be able to sleep in the same bed after she nos im bi but that dont mean anything to me coz i never even considered fancying her- aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! the thought is scary! and really, really wierd and yuk!! but i just dont like sharing beds that much- god could i babble even more! ok you can wake up now im going!! see ya.

nothing
ok so im in a blah mood again. nothing to say, my life is insignificant. can't concentrate on anything so don't know what to write.

I am a bitch.
read back to my first entry. Sorry to everyone that i hurt. i was just jealous and now i've read back i've realised what a shit i am. i really didn't mean it. i was all over the place so i apologise. i'm sorry.

woooooooooo
OK so i'm feelin' a bit spaced. i'm at school- nobody here- holidays and i'm alone in the art room freezing to death writing this. i have had an amazing relelation! at about 7.21 last tues i felt happy. amazing! i was walking along, minding my own business when POW! it hit me in the head like a 10 pound ashtray- i felt happy, and light, and free. that feeling has now gone. but i can still remaember it. its a bit wierd really coz the day before i had felt like ULTRA shit. i was just spending the whole atfternoon crying and liserning to portishead. anyway i'm now kind of focused but not on what i should be, like shcool work and all that crap- oh well... its me birthday soon!! i keep forget then going oh yeah its nearly my birthday! like some wierd freak (ok so i am one but whos judging) i can't wait til the 10th when my friends are all coming over and we're having like a party/ slop out. i'm not gonna call it a party coz that sounds so pathetic! all right i'll stop boring you with my insesant ramblings and let you go now. byyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee!!!

AAAHHH!!!!
i'm really really annoyed today. i've had a really normal day but it just seems like an extra shitty shit day. all of my friends are bitching about each other and i find myself being biased because of some of my feelings. i feel like a shit about it but i really can't bring my self to care. if you think something why the fuck shouldnt you be able to say your opinion out loud? Thank god sarah and mira have gone. they were busting my eardrums with their bitchy babbles. ok theyre only stating their opinions but im only stating mine.

same result as my real name.

shit survey.

comments
Hi C! God what a surprise! how are you? thank you for replying to my question! whoa, i really wouldn't have thought to expect to hear from you but it's great! it felt a bit awkward when you came down coz we were getting to know to know each other all and it felt a bit weird but im glad you got in touch.
Other person who left a message. im not gonna tell. im to chicken shit. i couldnt stand the awkwardness that would always be there in the background.

asking people out
OK so for those of you that are observant and that could be bothered to read the intire survey (very few i expect) i spect that you noticed that i left the 'would you ever ask somebody out?' blank. Believe it or not i did do this for a reason, actually several. 1. In a past entry i mentioned that i have a bit of a trust issue with myself well to be honest i don't trust myself not to balls it up. 2. i am am afraid of regection. when i say afraid i mean absolutely bed wettingly, hide behind the sofa kind afraid. 3. i simply wouldn't have the guts. so i hear you say, why didn't you just say no to the survey? the answers are simple. 1. i can't keep MY OWN secrets. ever. so if i like someone it usually tends to get leaked to someone or other. 2. i would ask someone out if i knew that they liked me back. 3. i say i am afraid of regection well considering that i seem to attract it awfully easily! this causes a dilema then because like i said i can't keep secrets and always want to tell the person that i like that i like them which then triggers the regection. so don't tell them you say. see i also said that if they like me back i would ask them out. well let me tell you this is easier said than done because i am shit at reading the signs- i mean shit! i couldn't tell you if someone liked me if my life was staked on it. so help. i really like someone, only one of my friends knows about this so i've actually done quite well at keeping this a secret but i guess thats coz only two of my friends know that i am bi and i wouldn't have told laura but she caught me at a weak moment. so now i can only ask laura for her opinion but shes getting bored of me so tell me what do i do? do i tell the person that i like them which i know is a mistake or not and suffer in silence more everyday? i've just answered my own question haven't i? telling would be a mistake coz i'm almost willing to stake my life that they don't like me, or do they? AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty frustrated. i'm such a fucking idiot!!!!!
By the way 103- i really don't want you to think that i like you any the less coz i didn''t tell you- your like my best friend at the moment but i wasn't going to tell anyone. you can ask laura but shes pretty well trained not to blab (i hope) by the way can i ask you that long awaited question that you promised to help me with...how did you and C get together, how??i find it so hard to even think of telling this person that i like them. Ahhh! i just thought you might think its mira! it's not!

Stand out in the crowd,why?
I don't know how to feel. I am so churned up and confused inside. All i know is that i am a selfish attention seeker thatthat is jealous of everyone and everything around her. I'm getting so mixed up with how i should feel that i've completely forgotten how i really do feel. How do i feel? i feel inadequite of everything, not smart enough, not interesting enough, and most definately not pretty enough. All i want is someone and to be respected and loved and happy. Maybe i'm hoping for too much- i mean lots of people wait their their whole lives for this and i want it all right now but i can't seem to help it. Agh! i never meant for anyone to read this so this sounds even more attention seeking!!

resistant materials

survey

Real Self
A friend of mine asked today "is it your real self that you write in your journal?" and i told her tha truth- almost. Nothing that i have have written has been a lie. I feel that i can never be myself to anyone- what if they don't like it? I think that my sisters kind of know the "real me" because they are the only ones that understand about mum, but even they don't know it all, they don't have to live with her- they never did. I try not to complain but it's hard not to. It's even harder talking about it because i find it almost physically impossible to find the words and my jaw ceases up, sometimes i even get a stutter. I end up just feeling awkward and that makes me feel isolated. I always feel isolated. Mira and all of my friends think that they know me but they know nothing about me, not one clue really and i can never ever seem to be able to talk to them, they just want to have fun- why should i be the one to stop them? At the moment the person that knows me most doesn't even know it and thats 103-. She doesn't even know about mum properly but i act more of myself around her than others (this sounds so staged since i know shes gonna read this- its not) proberbly because i can see that she has hidden depths maybe we can confide in one another one day. Everyone else is so shallow- they proberly do but they never seem to have any major problems- it sounds selfish, but i don't see any. It's ironic coz 103- has known me for less time- maybe thats why i trust her more, also we seem to have way more in common. Even so she still doesn't know the real me completely, i always hold something back to myself. No one in this world knows the real me. I spend my life acting and pretending- I'm getting tierd.
-I apologise for logging such a selfish entry.

Saturday
Oh, so, buggar- the music couse has been cancelled. What happened instead? I hear you ask well Musard invited me to go Norwich with her anyway and then back to her place afterwards. In Norwich we wandered around a bit and I brought a new stock of black nail varnish and ten blank cds from HMV. Mustard bought a couple of books, Whit and a "pern" book- alright so far this entry sucks! I did this and then i did that blah, blah, blah. I'm just trying to record it all down coz although it sounds pretty dull i did have a great time- I hope 103- did too. Now back to my Saturday. We got back to Mustards and had pizza with Sam and had a fiddle with their new phones for a bit. Started to sift through mustards cd collection to decide what to copy (Distillers, AFI, a few more albums a couple of mixs and the rocky horror picture show) this got us on to music and mustard played me a bit of her guitar and some of her own song which sounded really good. We went on to the internet and listerned to some AFI and distillers and watched the videos and let me tell you- Phwor! Knock me over with a feather! they were so heartwrenching beautiful, you know when it feels like your heart has stopped (9/7/89) and you end up gasping for air? Well the leaving song part 2 by AFI nearly made me cry. The videos were amazing too, Brody Dalle from the distillers is so hot and exudes sex appeal 103- thinks the same- i must have sounded like such an idiot 103- would say something and i would be like a nodding dog agreeing with everything but i didn't lie, everything that i agreed with i genuinely agreed with. I think that i may have a bit of a trust issue- not with other people but with myself i trust every body until they show me that i shouldn't so if that time never arises then i trust them forever but i always worry that nobody trusts me or thinks that i'm a fake, if i imagine myself through others eyes i seem fake even though i know i'm not- does any of that make sense? i hope mira doesnt get my user name off someone and read my entries where its obvious i like girls (are there any?) coz i really need to tell her my self, i just don't know how she'd react and i'll admit io'm more than a little afraid of telling her- i mean i've told laura, non, ott and 103- who i'm relived knows because i feel that we can talk about things that no one else understands- mira though, i've no idea as to how she would react, if my mother found out she'd proberbly kill herself- maybe i should tell her!
* to the person that posted "fuck off she's mine" WHAT!!! i think that says it all.