This Is My True Freedom

:: 2004 25 March :: 2.56pm
:: Mood: blaaaaah.
:: Music: life for rent - dido

your words linger in this darkened room like a faded star
wow, do i hate biology or what. i get to describe how the five-kingdom system is connected to all 55 chapters of my biology book. either save me, or put me out of my misery.

oh man. we had an assembly yesterday. it was cool. but depressing. a man with hooks for hands and prosthetic legs was talking to us. i felt bad for him.

tomorrow we have an assembly about sex education. what fun.

sigh.

i think i might change my journal layout again. im trying to find a good background for an icon i made. i'll make a background myself if push comes to shove though. hm.

oh! and i am filled with happiness at ghost of the robot making a new cd. it will be called gods of the radio :) woo.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 24 March :: 8.50pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Linkin Park

Reality: Recreated

It�s so hard to see,
out of this deformity
that you all call reality

And what�s meant to be,
isn�t what�s inside of me
its just part of my memory

You tore me apart, left me stranded and then,
I found your heart, but was abandoned again
And lost like you, who I once dreamt of
Is everything that I rose above
And everything for you, that I left behind
Wasn�t lost, I just had to look to find

And it�s so hard to be,
what you want to see
while pain lives inside of me

And what you always meant to me,
wasn�t what you tried to be
just mirror reflected imagery

So start backing me up, don�t push me down
I won�t quit while you�re still around
And all the things you had me believing,
Were only lies as I was blinded by your deceiving
But now I find I can see all our problems ahead
So I can shock them, and block them instead

And somehow I can see,
all the lies inside of me,
are everything you were meant to be

So now I can finally be,
what I�ve always needed in me,
a soul full of everything

So stop backing me up, I can do it myself
I can handle this without your help
This would work, if you could hear me
But nothing seems to be coming in clearly
So I�ll just have to push you out of my life
I need time to myself while I�m still alive

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 23 March :: 2.52pm
:: Mood: blah.
:: Music: basketcase - green day

forever wandering the winding trail of imagination
i. hate. school.

i was looking at my chicken sandwich today. and i realized how everything is the same. every day. i have the same teachers, the same seats, see the same people, have the same conversations, have the same lunch. even have the same amount of boring, monotonous crap.

i came back to the same place. where everything is like a routine. i walk to my classes the same way ive always done. i get to my classes at the same time. i feel the same feeling of dread.

why cant just one thing change? just the slightest, tiniest little change. maybe i'd look forward to school then.

but sydney wrote me a note. so my day is 3215698793 times more improved.

more essays to do.

cowboy67

:: 2004 22 March :: 10.42pm

cellar door
ashleigh nugent, brandy turner, nicole mccarthy, danielle versexy, joe fiorenza, stephanie clark, amy mcbrearty, kathy gavagan:

send $1 to this man:

Andy
Woohu.com
P.O. Box 10
Cedar Springs, MI 49319

and then post something in your journal telling all of your pals to do the same and to pass it on to their friends, and so forth. this guy is our age and spending every cent he makes to keep this site up... let's help him out.

5 day[s] remain | the end is here

3 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 20 March :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: lost prophets

there seem a strange stillness to everything, as the evening wears into night
ok.

i wrote a poem that i really like, so i thought id put it up here.

"garden"
you can find me in a dark and fragrant garden,
where roses grow wild and lavendar sings
where all you can hear is the soft wind
but can feel the humming of another time
i walk upon this beaten path
where flowers wind their way at my feet
and i can feel you with me
like the stars' light
with every sigh of branches and all the bluebells' rings
you are here with me
the breeze whispers your name
like the kiss of a falling leaf
and as i lay into the midnight sky
like the silent breath of fog
i can taste your presence
with all my being i walk in you
my feet grazing the dew covered grass
and my footprints forever imprinting your heart.

alright. lets move on to some more interesting things...
im going to lissa's house today. (;
i still have a bunch of homework to finish though. so when i get back to school i will be majorly screwed. ha. ha.

:: 2004 17 March :: 10.04pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Suite from 'Restless'

feel the sun like daggers of flame
ok. changed the layout. you like?

hmm.. interesting day today. me and lisa were going to go to the beach. because, i got a new swimsuit and we wanted to look less vampire-ish and tan ourselves. well, we got in an accident. yea, it sucks. there was a minivan in front of us that stopped short and we didnt have very much time to brake. screeeeeech.. pow. it was a fender-bender. i just got a little freaked. and had some whiplash.
we pulled over to the side with the lady. she was british. another 10 minutes. screeeech pow. a crash in the same place. of all the damned luck. woo. man, that spot is cursed. they had more of a fender bender though.
anyways, we were stuck with an $80 fine for wreckless driving. dont ask me why. that cop was an ass.

more biology fun.

happy st. pat's everyone. go out to your local pub and drink. :)

1 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 17 March :: 8.59pm
:: Music: |_ ! |\| |< | |\| P/-\(R)|<

Raining Fire

The clouds raining down fire
The sun glowing blue
What happened to desire?
What happened to you?
The holder of light
The one I had to kill
The essence of sight
But sight could never fill
This feeling of rage
I just can�t get out
Locked inside the cage
I scream I shout
But no ones there to hear
And then, from deep inside
From a nightmares fear
From what I always hide
Something calms me down
For just a second and then
Here comes the sound
Of thunder again
Maybe it was you
But how could you know
How could you do?
How could you show?
Everything I needed to see

Raining Fire: The Remix

High above the clouds are raining cold fire
While behind them the sun glows blue
No longer can I fake this desire
While I�m hiding in front of you
You�re still forever the holder of light
But now I can feel the dawning of night
And I�m still stuck here in this lightless cage
Burning forever on a mindless rage
Still, my heart is filled with fear and doubt
But no ones here to console me
And, my mind is finally clearing out
After all the times you�ve tried to control me
You�ve become, the pain I fear inside
And the hate from which I hide
And nothings here to calm me down
After you left I couldn�t hear a sound
All your thunder just drowned it out
Now its clear that it wasn�t you
There was no way you could possible know,
There was nothing that you could do,
Not one move that you could make, to show,
Everything I needed to see
Everything I needed in me

:: 2004 16 March :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: tired and angry
:: Music: Sic Transit Gloria - Brand New

kiss the rain through a blanket of pastels
biology should be a sin in itself.
the very mention of the word should be enough to drive a human insane and wish for better things to come.
or, ms freis shall internally combust and then be sent to live in the eternal flames.

let me suffer and die in silence.

well. i saw secret window twice this weekend. but its ok because that is one freaking awesome movie. i also saw starsky and hutch haha. johnny and owen are the shit (;

i shall be confined to my room for the rest of break to continue my endless work of that-which-shall-not-be-named. (refer to top paragraph)

3 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 15 March :: 9.15pm
:: Music: l!NkIN P/-\Rk

Voltage-

I can feel your voltage threatening me
Flaming in electricity
And as you surge so rapidly
I�ll try and control what�s happening
With every move and step you fake
A bolt of lightning takes its place
Charring the ground in black with ash
While in the air our battles clash
And as your eyes light up with fire
I feel the hate within desire
And as one last attempt to control this,
With love I send you my voltage

Its in the timing-

Your being here provoked thought within my mind
Apprehensive of thinking because I�ve passed my time
But what is thought when its what I do
If what I do is a reaction slowed, because of you
Then time is shaped and shattered around the same thought
And is devised and destined around what you wrought
So passing through these moments only means,
That being here is the same as within your dreams

:: 2004 14 March :: 1.30pm
:: Music: Godsmack

Running Away
With just one look at your eyes you start,
Resurrecting long dead feelings
And if I would have known you�d tare me apart,
I would have never started healing

I can�t carry all this hate, I�m about to drop
I�m bound to give in
I can�t run with all this weight, I�m about to stop
This life I�m livin�
And just run away

I know it�s hard to look, when I�m broken
But it�s the only way I can see your eyes open
And now that these walls are torn down
I can finally say I�ve broken out

I can�t carry all this hate, I�m about to drop
I�m bound to give in
I can�t run with all this weight, I�m about to stop
This life I�m livin�
And just run away

And all the hate from which I hide,
Is the weight that I have carried
And all the pain you�ve caused inside,
Is the reason why I�m buried

I can�t carry all this hate, I�m about to drop
I�m bound to give in
I can�t run with all this weight, I�m about to stop
This life I�m livin�
And just run away

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 11 March :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: whatever?
:: Music: burn, burn - lost prophets

dance upon the rainbow clouds
oh-my-god-youre-gorgeous!

whoa. good fun in school these past.. two days. and everyday of this week has felt like a friday. its like i mentally go through one school week in a day. weird.

on wednesday i felt like i was 5. i seriously wanted to just slam my books on the ground and throw a tantrum. but i didnt. which is good.

me, car, carrie, and alison all have a lethal fascination with A1 steak sauce. wooo what fun :)

i know i should write a lot more. but as it happens, i am quite the tired one. i guess going to bed at 11:30 isnt good for waking up in the morning hahaha. oh man. ever since ana said it, every time i look at this bunny from the still life we have to draw, i think of it. the first day she said 'wow- that is a hot bunny. you should totally draw it.' i dont know why i think of it though lmao.

ooohhh man. oh man oh man oh man. tomorrow is the last day of school before spring break!! woot!! i can not wait!
.. even if i do have a biology project. darn you, ms freis.

i went to target today. and publix. publix is cool, and you know it. did you know you can buy flip-flops there in the summertime?
you wish you were awesome enough to work there.

hmm.. i wrote a poem that i am actually fond of :)
"Dreams"
Follow me through crashing stars
hold my hand; never let it go
stay with me, your soft soft voice

Lets find our way
through the thickening fog
hold me forever in stormy eyes

Feel the smoothing colors
in the deepening rain
give my lips a little secret

Take me with you
forever in the frozen glory
tell me in the way of rainbows

Taste the grace of dreams
of a place like Neverland
forget anything but you.

:: 2004 10 March :: 4.22pm

dreamland
I walk slowly into the dark doorway that will lead me out of reality, into a long tunnel with brick walls and cobwebbed cielings, and torches floating in the air. I feel sand beneath my feet, but look down to find a shiny wooden floor, surprised by this I do not notice the sudden change of lighting.

Looking up I find I am no longer in the dreary tunnel, but now I see myself in a lavished hallway, with many doors on each side. The only lighting comes from below and above each door, which through the tiny cracks between floor and ceiling out pours a flowing yellow light.

I continue walking.

I can tell the hallway is turning up ahead, and I walk faster towards what I cannot see behind the bend. It does not seem far away , but it stays out of my reach, and my ever going struggle to see beyond the curveture in the wall, grows to climactic need to get away from the place I am.

My pace quickens, my steps are more and of greater distance. As this need for escape grows, I walk faster and faster until I am lightly jogging. From there comes a slow run, and as try to shake of this space that is holding me inside itself I break into an all out rampage, running faster than I ever have. My heart races as I see the doors flying by me, the tiny slits of light illuminating the hallway it seemed, more than ever.

I hear doors opening far behind me, from where I began in the hallway, and I do not turn to see what ghostly figures now haunt the hallway from which I am trying to escape.

I run faster.

I hear the doors opening closer, now almost matching my stride. The bend in the hallway is getting slowly closer, until I am no more than 50 feet from it. Now I hear the doors right behind me, and I can feel the light licking at my neck. Almost, like water, I can feel it rushing out of the rooms beyond the doors, as it pushes me along the hallway.

I come to the bend and turn with it, only to find an ending to the hallway. The wall, that is the end, holds only one door in the center of its space. There are no doors now, on either side of me. No where to go but this one tall door.

I keep running, not daring to stop. I will take the chance of it being locked, and slamming into it. I reach my hand out, toward the handle of the door, only to find a hard flat space. There is no time to stop before I run into this wall, this painted on doorway. But as my body comes in contact with the painting, I tare through it as if it were only a piece of paper and...

:: 2004 9 March :: 3.22pm

Ok, Maybe I'll just take a break from it. See what happens.

6 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 6 March :: 8.22pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: rest in peace

I seem to like the endless today
i was remembering some things from when i was little.

boys are silly.

tomorrow sydney is coming over! it makes me feel like
this ---> (:
we shall party.

i slept in today. until 12:10. ah, so refreshing. considering i had been up for 21 hours, it was no surprise, but hey..

im going to get a little book to put all my poems in :) i have some in a notebook thing, but it looks more like a journal, and its a little big.

i have worked up the courage to post one (:

"Shadows of Secrets"
in the corner
of a bright happy room
there is a secret
a secret no one can see
it moves swiftly
like the falling sky
it doesnt touch or feel
its iridescense lurks in your mind
probing the dark depths
even when the light gives you comfort
it is there
its the invisible menace
the fear you've always encountered
and a nightmare that never ended
its a shadow
that thrives in darkness,
yet basks in light
so tell me
tell me your beautiful secret

..thoughts?

:: 2004 5 March :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Crash and burn - Savage garden

im drenched in the sun's frozen glory

Smirk
You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2004 4 March :: 11.41pm
:: Mood: deaf
:: Music: the ringing in my ears

Im lost in your unspoken words
one word. concert.

ears hurt. throat's sore. kick ass concert.

highlights:
coheed and cambria played. sweet. cool moshers.
saw 'red-shirt mosher'. we agree that he is hot. (:
thursday. easily the best band. they kicked some serious ass. holy crap. i heart them and wish to buy their cd.
afi. ahhhhh. awesome. :D they also did some ass-kicking.

what else did i do? i saw syd, chels and amanda. the security guards are nice. a guy was eating ketchup next to me.
i. had. the. best. seats.
i could see everything. it was so awesome. yea, i know, you're speechless too.

my brain is on its basic level: fire bad, tree pretty.

that means i have no brain cells left to do their job. im left with strange off-topic ideas and serious symptoms of a.d.d.

sleep now.

:: 2004 3 March :: 10.46pm
:: Mood: sad?
:: Music: cello

let me slip into your place of dreams
i love the cello. its so pretty.

i wish everything was just so.. quiet.

well. on to reality. fcat math. man, was it easy. let common sense reign supreme.

'no. im not crazy!' was my statement today. i think i was completly driven up the wall in biology. we had a 15 question quiz. looong one. i knew one answer. about plankton. not even sure if i got it right either. you try answering some strangishly freakin long words. with 'plankton' stuck in the middle.

anyways. me and sabrina are chewy.
please dont ask and stay away from me when i eat chicken nuggets. they somehow alter my humor. i tend to laugh hysterically if you say 'stop being so chewy.'

concert tomorrow! i cant wait. :D