oh now i feel like shit. last night i promised i'd call at eight, but couldn't until eight-thirty due to my dads giahumungus lecture, and the fact that he neaded to take us to dinner (hell knows why). so yeah, tonight i get home and try to get through my chores and homework as quick as possible, it's only eight thirty, and madeline takes the phone. i could have been, "fuck no maddy, i promised tori i'd call at eight, it's fucking eight-thirty, and i haven't called her, and i don't give a flying fuck in a frozen over hell what your problems are" but no, i went and thought, oh poor maddy, all crushed like this, and then i bitched at sean, which was loads of fun, and now they're talking away and i'm stuck in my own shit. i feel so irresponcable. this brings me to explain a train of thought today. last sunday during the surmon, pastor doug went on in mock form about his love when he was twelve, with his stupid grin on and his sarcastic droning voice going off again. what the hell does he know? he said that love at that age is unacheivable. so does every other adult i've talked to. my dad said strong feelings, but he could have said love, but no, he didn't want to cantradict or make an acception to all of his past statments about love. he knows i love tori. i told him i thought that their stupid punishment was worth the time with tori, and that's fucking love, m'kay? if love isn't when every single issue and problem and obligation and virtually every section of your life secondary to her's, i have no idea what is. if love isn't having her being the only thing you can think about for 90% of the time and then the other 10% of your thoughts lead to thoughts about her, i don't know what is. but love is a dieing species, and it's dieing quick. you here guys tell girls they love them and then dump them the next day, and guess what, that whole i love you load, was nothing mor than a load. a load of shit. love is non-biodegradable, it doesn't go away. it sticks. and though you can ignore it, when you step on it it hurts your foot. eventually you will not be able to hold it back anymore. it shakes loose.

well, yeah my mom bitched for a minute and my dad gave me an hour and a half lecture, but it was worth it, it really was. plus, i can argue my way out of it anyway. so yeah, he asked me if i loved tori, and i said yes. then he asked me if gived the chance would i have sex with her. no. you sure? what if she started to take of your cloths. i'd tell her it was a bad idea, and she's not like that at all. well i don't know her so how can i believe you? you can trust me. but you disobayed my rules. i told you i didn't give a rip."

and don't. tori is the only person that understands me and she loves me and i love her so i'll spend as much time with her as is humanly possible. so there. her heart beating against mine, her head resting on my chest, her arms around me, that's all worth more than life itself. that IS life itself, and you can't have it. they want to know the most intimate details of our relationship, but that's for me and tori. so some are witness to it, that doesn't mean it's their buisness, and it's not. it's ours. it's what's between us.

And as for the little voice in my head, well of with it's head because tori does love me!!!
HAHAHA!!! hows that feel you stupid bitch?!?!?!?! huh, HUH??? i win. you lose. i could almost see the lookm on your face as tori out her amrs around me. hehehe, don't give me that bullshit you little fuck, you are my pessimism, and i kicked your ass. tori loves me, so :P!!! yeah, go hide your ass-ugly face and cry. i created you, but she destroyed you without a thought. you suck, and i left you and i'm never coming back!

Tori's pain
I can't erase what devon or brian or me or anyone else did, and i know we all hurt you in some way or another, but i will hold you till it heals, and the scars begin to fade, it does get better than this. just cry till it's gone, till you can't cry anymore.

"I can't stop the rain from coming down on you again, but i will hold till it goes away" Thats part of the song. i'm not going to pretend to be all mocho and shit and say that i can change the past and erase it. what is is, you can't change what they did, but you will heal, and i know morgan feels the same way as me, but we'll be here to hold you, a shoulder to cry on, until the wounds close up and the scars begin to fade, until you feel like you can face the world again. and even then, we'll be there to back you up, we're not leaving yet, so feel free to cry, to hurt, there is nothing wrong with that. i botttle up to much, pretend it's not there, and then things like the wendsday before last happen and people get hurt. i explode. my bottle overflows. i can't stomach the shit. so don't be like i was, just let it go. i hate to see you hurt, but i hate even more to see the hurt way down in you where it can't get out. it's like an infection, if left alone, it could kill you, and yeah, school in 45, so i got to go now, i'll see you there.

Off the phone with tori
when she said she was cold, i wiggled. I FUCKING WIGGLED!!! i really wanted to be able to hold her, to at least try to keep her warm (and i know someone will read this and take that like i wanted to fuck her which would not be the case, so yeah, fucker) i wish she was here. all of quins birthday party i wished she could have been there, except the part about when he, and his parents found it, and they thought he had been masterbating, and, oh holy hell that was nasty. ok, the concept was nasty, it is, it's fucking gross, but the way that happened and what happeneed after was, well, alot nastier. so yeah, no way she's ever hearing THAT story. well, i don't know. she's whispering in my ear again. she wants your flesh and blood and bone. she wants to rip your heart out and cut it open and drink it. she wants to take your worlds and make them crumble, and the only thing stopping her is me, and the only thing stopping me from letting her is the strength i see in you guys everyday. so stay strong, it'll cost you more than just your life if you give up. so stay strong and i can too.

"woke up today and wished for tomorrow,i don't want to be like anyone else.
woke up today and wished for tomorrow, i don't want to even be myself."
this cuts'll scar, won't they? well, whatever. i'm making tori a necklace, but i probably won't be finished by tomorrow. i found what i'm using for the key peice. it's sort of a preworn brass. i hope she'll like it. i'm really bored. Tori, when you get a chance call, but i'm getting a hair cut (not to short) so i may not be home.
and there is no garuntees that we're doing it today anyway.

Shoulder to cry on
I hate this. being a guy sucks so much. who gave us this rap in the first place? who? i'll shoot them, i would. Who was it that decided that guys were supposed to be tough and able to handle themselves enotionaly? they were a moron. we hurt, we feel pain, or is it just me? is it? it is isn't it? either way, i still don't know what to do. the way i see it, the world puts more on my plate than i can stomach, and so i should be able to eat till i'm full and then dump the rest off, but no, i'm supposed to eat it all and puke it all over every one. in other words, take all i can than have someone to just listen to my shit that i can't eat, let it fall with the tears, harmlessly to the ground. but no, i have to eat it and the overflow and do things like 2 weeks ago when i attacked madeline, that's what happens when you spew on people. so girls don't want to hear my shit, guys would just reject me and give me more, adults want nothing more than to shout out their opinions and i just wan't someone to listen, not to give me bake the shit i'm spilling out. that's what i need. a shoulder to cry on, but i guess, because of what i am, there isn't one, is there?

don't give me that shit
i have so much to yap about it's disgusting. ok, so here it is. first we start with updates on my current emotional status. no one cares but me, so i don't know why i do this, but i do, so :P. well, optimistic outlook- she loves me and brian and ian were right.
realistic outlook- she loves me, but brian and ian's coments were less than possible.
pessimistic outlook- it was a sympathy comment and she doesn't at all, and in fact still likes brian or quin or devon. hmph, i wish i knew what to think. i can't figure this out. ok look, she's having "troubles" (fuck my prying and lip reading abilities) and is just a little embarresed and doesn't want to talk to me right now. that makes sence. you can't blame her for that.
/ oh i know what you want to say/ what then? i wan't to say alot of things, most of which i will. no matter, that's for murgzy anyway./ whatever, you know-/ just go, your screwing with my entry. well, yeah, i know that this sounds wierd if i say it in my own words, so i'll quote various people from last night with as much accuracy as possible
first off.
Ian-"paul, dude, are you crying?"
paul-"no man, i'm fine."
Ian-" no really, what the fuck is the matter?
Paul-*glares*
Ian-" oh, i get it, brian, come over here, now, no sam you fuck off, this is serious"
brian-"what it is?"
Ian-" i don't know, something to do with tori."
brian-"do you love her?"
paul-*rolls eyes and says sarcastically* nooo........... what the fuck do you think??"
brian-" does she love you?"
paul-" i- i think so..."
Ian-"then what's the problem"
paul-"I know she has a legitimate not to be talking to me, but i'm a fucking pessimist, OK???"
Ian-"what's wrong with her?"
paul-"No way i'm telling you, but it's not as bad as i know you think it is."
Ian-"How much do you love her?"
paul-" if it were seven years from now, i'd marry her"
ian-"you know, that doesn't seem so impossible"
paul-"what do you meen?"
ian-"she fits."
paul-"huh?"
ian-"you two go together'
paul-"don't give me that"
ian-"what?"
paul-"your shit. you know that's what, 140% longer than i've known her before i could think about that sort of thing"
ian-"whatever, man, whatever, but you know you're wrong, you will marry her, she's fucking perfect"
paul-"would she marry me?"
ian-".........."
five hours later i'm lieing in the dark, watching the matrix reloaded and thinking to myself '90% of who we are is who we believe ourself to be, and the other ten percent is who everyone else believes us to be. that is the system. we are made up of beliefs.' and then i smelt her hair again, and realized the biggest obstical in my way was my own beliefs that i wasn't good enough for tori to ever love me, so i acted like a pessimist, and now that i believe that i'm above that, i can rise and at least believe, if not be, that i am worth something more than a road block, a obstical for her to pass. i won't let go. so don't try and make me. please, accept my apologies for my selfish and negative behavior. i will be stroger than this. i am, that is what i believe. ok then. life is getting better, it might be worth living...

that entry was for me. i know you hurt, but i don't hurt as much as i protray, or maybe more, and just show the wrong reasons. either way, i'm lieing to myself and my friends. i know i should put what ever the hell is in your backpack out of my mind, but it keeps coming back. i need to get off before my mom catches me, but i'll write a list of what it could be and give it to you tomorrow. it's nothing personal, just my mind going wild, and i think if you look at it from that perspective, you'll find it to be most, amusing.........*smiles sinisterly* mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha...............well, love you all, see you later (except cory, cory's an ass, a flaming ass at that, but i know, that sounded preppy) well, maddy was right. who gives a fuck? only me for it to matter. no more worrying if that's "preppy" or not. i am who i am, no one's changing that, ever, so i don't care what i am, just who i am.

ok, no more acting out this dramatic crap. we're in love, and all is happy. so will you go to a movie with me?

"systimatic decline"
I, i can't take it, i think i'm gunna pop. this is all too much. "oh hi paul, hows it going? what's up? come hang out with us. come here, i need to talk to you." or how about when they stand in the way, intentionally, like they want me to go away. that's probably what she wants, but i want them to go away, so we're even. i want the whole world to go away, so i can just be here, with her, and the only people that matter, and watch the rest burn in systimatic decline, my systimatic decline, because i would make them all go away, if i could.............

What the hell have i done this time?
i know she's not, i know she doesn't, but non the less i feel like she has a bubble around her that i shouldn't penatrate, like she's holding something back. friday, friday was so perfect, and now i don't know what to think. i know i'm being selfish, but what can i say? i'm sick of not getting answers, so i think that i'll do what the bleeding room told me to do to ensure a 100% chance of that destiny, though ten years of pain is a long time, in the end, i find her don't i? well, i had a dream, a dream that i was stranded on an island with a ton of scientist and we found these indian people who were like,"go away!" and we were like,"No!" and then they're all,"OK then, we will go whine to the carrot god from the top of this hill!" and we was all,"whatthefuck???!!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!" and then, mother fucking big carrots and a boulder or two came out of nowhere and rolled down the hill and killed a few of us, so we summoned the lighting god (however the fuck we did that) and we could use two types of lightning on this one indian dude that was obviously someone of importance, and we could use either purple or green lightning, and when we did, we could move him to a special spot, because it made a box around him, but i liked purple better cause it reminded me of tori's journal when i first saw it, so that's what i used, and then i went to have other dreams, possibly more twisted than that, and tori, i'm calling so :P!!!

Everuthing withers to nothing, nothing is all i crave
I'm beaten, i'm bloody, with both my blood and theirs, and i'm sick of fighting already, but i've one the first battle... but yet, so many lie ahead, even tonight. but as i take my place if she falls, i take my place right here for now, in here arms, but i know you hate reading that over and over again, don't you?
-YYYYEESSSSS-
hmm...my mind is static, i think i might have the upper hand already. but no reason to get lazy, lots of work to do, and it's only ten to eleven, so what am i tired for? who knows. well, fuck, i'm not pissed at anyone right now. if devon were right here, i might not kill him. no, scratch that, i would. and i'd make it slow and painful. let him live for a few years, but cut off certain, extremities while he's asleep, and once those heal, move to other ones, until all that's left to take is his head.... ooohoohoo, thinking about that makes me worm and fuzzy inside, i wish he would read it, would someone givew him this adress please? then i will combat him verbaly until his weak optimistic brain is pulp, oh look, brain and brian are spelt almost the same, even thought they totally contradict each other.... well, i'll wait for tori to post now.

clearing my head
ok, this is the last for tonight, i need to try and get some sleep. tomorrow i'll wake up and try to forget about what kalie said or what happened to maddy and focus on tori. yeah, that makes me feel better anyway, even if it doesn't solve the problems. but if kalie wants to go and lie up a perfect strom and kill us all, what the hell, and madeline doesn't seem to want tomuch help right now, so maybe i'll just let it blow over. well, good night. and i think tomorrow, well.................maybe i won't, maybe i'll chicken out, but who knows? i might, i might not. but it's 12:05 and i have jazz band in the morning at seven fourtyfive, so i need to ry to sleep, so byby.
PS i think it's funny how maddy acts like her apin doesn't effect me, yeah, she kinda screwed herself when she spilled her blood to me, so now it is my buisness, and sean will hurt for this, as long as i exist in the hearts of my friends, sean comfort will hurt.

well, here it is. we all have a place, so go and find it, and help the fight, or wait for life to pass you up, either works.

PS
I hope that PS thng in tori's journal wasn't about me. It would make me feel so much like they thought i was a toy, like only what they wanted mattered, like i wasn't a real person with real emotions and a real life, not some simulative drone for their plessure when ever they want it. why am i even bitching? i know it's probably not about me at all. but i'm still paranoid. she's rubbing off on me.

Tori
i missed you, even after two hours and twenty minutes i felt sick and totally deprived of you. i never, for a minute ever stopped thinking about you. well i guess that's love. i have to go, so i'll see you later.

Never let go. this is where i belong. in her arms, never let go.

Tori
today, as i leaned my head on hear shoulder, and held her hand, and kissed the top of her head, taking in the vanilla scent, and felt her head resting gently on my chest, irealized i could feel every thought and emotion running through her head, and the only reason it took me that long was that they were about the same as what was going through mine. love, a hard feeling in side, and cold. but pleasently cool, not freazing cold, and not a metallic hardness that just makes you upset, no, it was more like a wet cloth on your forhead in a sweltering heat, a refreshing and relaxing feeling. but i realized something else, i don't have to hide anymore. she has such a strong will to her, a power i don't think she even knows about. it's what will free her soul of her mind and hearts conflict, so that she can be herself, love, live, and lauph. that reminds me of one of my own quotes...

"life, love, frendship, you will want them all when you live, but you will need them all to survive"

I have her to survive, and i won't ever let go. no matter what happens, they can't take her from me now, i'll kill to keep her. she's mine, mine, ours, and mine, and i love her, more than most things, more than anything, but yet, i fear.............that maybe, i'll hurt her. no. not like they hurt her. they mean to hurt her. you can cut them without meaning, but you can only scar them if your trying.