redefinedgrace
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2010 23 April :: 7.12pm
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.
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poisonedheart
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2008 21 April :: 10.06pm
Well, 'twas a nice weekend
I went over to Brenan's house around 1:30ish on Friday, turns out he's rooming with Albert and Jake, which is nice because they're both cool guys that I get along with well.
So we hang out and play video games and shit, after a while of this their neighbor Wes comes over and suggests the idea of partying it up, so we're all like "hellz yeah", so that's how it came about that I'd be staying late there.
So after Wes leaves Sarah shows up and then Albert, Jake and Brenan all leave for different reasons, leaving us alone, I'm still a little awkward around her, it's been a few years now, but I dunno, still in the realm of awkward, so we just looked at some art books and ate popcorn while waiting on them.
After a while of that Brenan and Jake came back and brought Wes with them, so then Jake, Wes and I walked over to the Shell station so Wes could go in and buy a bunch of High Gravity (Horrible, low quality, high alcohol beer) and have us carry it back.
So the rest of that night was basically just being drunk, had a few kinda awkward moments, but overall it was a nice night of drinking, lots of people came and went.
Woke up saturday around noon and watched a few tv shows with brenan and jake, then brenan suggested going to the park to check out the Earth Day festivities, so we walked over there and found out it was just stupid hippies being stupid hippies, so we walked around riverfront for a while, then walked over to Value Village so Brenan could buy pants, he ended up buying like, no normal pants I'm pretty sure, but he got a suit jacket and a full set of scrubs, so we got back to their apartment and I took a shower and they ordered pizza while I was in there.
So, a bit after the pizza shows up, Alex shows up and we're like "Woo, Alex", because he's a fun guy, and he notices Jake's hookah and suggests we buy some shishah and coals, so we walk over to the smoke shop by the plaza to get those, and then get back to the house and smoke copious amounts of hookah, it was pretty fun, we were dipping a piece of vacuum cleaner tube into some soapy water and blowing smoke-filled bubbles, which bounced on the floor and would then sit on it as perfect spheres for a bit before exploding into a perfect ring of smoke, it was really pretty.
After a while of that Alex left, and then Jesse and a couple of her friends showed up and put some marijuana in the hookah, I honestly didn't feel anything from it, but Jesse and her friends were pretty high, so I took that chance to give Jesse an existential crisis by explaining nihilism as the only truth in the universe while she was totally stoned out of her mind.
So after they left Wes came down and smoked some Hookah with us, then we all drifted off to bed.
Then Sunday, Jake, Alex and myself basically just smoked hookah the whole god damn day, we hotboxed the kitchen at one point.
And then today I came home a few hours after waking up, yay.
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godessalthena
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2008 11 April :: 5.05pm
it seems i was wrong.
and that the me in the past was right.
and now i really want to just leave.
and stay away from humanity forever.
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poisonedheart
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2008 7 April :: 9.45am
"Piazza, New York Catcher"
Elope with me Miss Private and we'll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we'll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue's crying too and well he may
I love you I've a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the wider family net absurd
"You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job"
Maybe, but not what she deserves
Elope with me Miss Private and we'll drink ourselves awake
We'll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960 style
We'll comment on the decor and we'll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we'll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare
The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he's praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench
I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn't come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You'd settle for an epitaph like "Walk Away, Renee"
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour
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godessalthena
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2008 3 April :: 10.32pm
"you're going to die in somebody else's arms and i have to live with that..."
the new armor for sleep album is okay... only some of the songs are really good, unlike the first album which rocked and the second that was slightly better than this new one... the new one isn't as... idk themed as the others, which is what i really liked. this music sounds a little more immature than the last few.
OMG I SOUND LIKE A RETARD.
anyway. i'm happy with the way my life is right now, at this very second. but i keep bouncing back and forth and i'm so confused. i wish that life would just tell me what to do. i hate making decisions. i really hate making choices like these. like i'm in the middle and i don't want to go either way. because both ways are good. and i'd really be happy either way. well.. time will tell which way i'll go because i know eventually i'll have to stop and just go one way.
which bites.
idk i feel a little lost. and like i should be doing more with my life. but w/e that'll come with time too.
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godessalthena
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::
2008 2 April :: 9.20am
hella bored with no television
1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?: How f'ed up my makeup is.
2. How much cash do you have on you?: a little more than $5
3. What's a word that rhymes with your name?: Bedilia i suppose...
4. Favorite flower?: Lily
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed/received/dialed call list on your cell phone: Attendance hotline
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: You could be happy by snow patrol
7. What shirt are you wearing?: stained up tank top
8. Do you "label" yourself?: Sexy beast
9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?: i like wearing rocket dogs
10. Bright or Dark Room?: dark
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: unknown stranger
12. Ever "spilled the beans"?: Yeah i do a lot.
13. What were you doing at 2 this morning?: sleeping hXc
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: Yeah? You working though right?
15. Do you ever click on banners or pop-ups?: Nope
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: He's a douchebag
17. Who told you they loved you last?: Jay
19. How many drugs have you done in the past three days ?: zero. unless you count sugar.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?: zero
21. Favorite age you have been so far?: 4
22. Your worst enemy?: uhm.... myself
23 What is your current desktop picture?: a drawing but some random little kid of a dinosaur saying "they are cool" or something
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: uhm verbally most likely i love you baby or good night sweetie or something like that oh! don't stay up too late
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?: money would get rid of the regret i'd bet hahaha
26. Do you love / like someone?: yes
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godessalthena
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2008 30 March :: 8.24am
:: Mood: disappointed
life in all its glory.
so these last few days have been the best and the worst days for a long time. i found a really great guy who's a f\really fun person to be around. his name is jason and i really love spending time with him. he makes me laugh like wow.
i also got in a fight with tammie over some bullshit and it really pissed me the fuck off. idk she started all that damn drama and then blamed it on me and called me the child. i don't know what's wrong with people these days... but it makes me feel like i'm really going to be misunderstood for the rest of my life.
there was like two inches of snow last night. i'm afraid to look out today.
idk i just want to freaking feel happy and have friends who will listen to me.
but i don't think that'll ever happen. because the second i start talking is the second they start yelling at me and telling me i'm immature and what i think is wrong. maybe i am evil? maybe i am immoral and corrupt? idk but i freaking listen to all of there bullshit whether i agree with them or not. and i don't judge them. and i don't tell them they are doing things. i try to support them whether or not i agree with it.
i don't know... maybe it's because i try to freaking BE A GOOD FRIEND.
but who knows if i really am.
i just should give up.
because i really don't think i'll have real friends...
here.
:/
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aerii
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2008 23 March :: 2.42pm
I can't even say what I mean.
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aerii
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2008 11 March :: 2.52pm
sdlkfjsdl
i hate shots.
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aerii
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2008 6 March :: 5.38am
Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer.
lsdkfjslkdjfowejfalskdfjoaw efiawoirqowi4rowejf
nobody puts baby in a corner...
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godessalthena
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2008 5 March :: 9.09am
SO
I am sick of living paycheck to paycheck.
so when I get the time I'm going to go back to tacobell.
then i'll have two jobs i hate, but the money i need to get everything in order before school.
and maybe give myself some more nice things...
i get myself nice things when i'm depressed i realize. to maybe make my life nicer because of the nice things..
which is retarded and doesn't work.
and now i've spent too much money trying to make myself feel better... and feel worse because of it.
i can't even sleep anymore because i'm worried about money.
and i hate money.
grrr..
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aerii
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2008 28 February :: 4.23am
i have an interview at laser quest today
and i am so stoked.
omg
plus,
its christina's
joy's
and emily's
BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
WOOOOO!
yay for being legal haha
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godessalthena
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2008 23 February :: 3.59pm
despite the emotional breakdown yesterday morning, yesterday was a really badass day.
i bought a new phone yesterday! i love it! it's the LG enV. I love love love it!!
especially the txting.
my number is...
i'll put it in a friends only post because i don't want certain asshats to know my number... hahaha
i hung out with shaunte and tammie and saw matt and met his girlfriend...
it was a really fun and great night.
:D
damn fucked up personality.
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godessalthena
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2008 22 February :: 10.53am
:: Mood: depressed
I suck.
like hardcore suck.
and i hate myself today.
because i'm nothing but a bitch.
and i freak about about stupid shit.
i don't deserve this stuff.
i don't deserve to have anything.
because people shouldn't like such a bad person.
i have an ugly heart and a bad personality.
i wish i could just forget who i am and start my personality over again.
i just want someone to talk to.
i need something to talk to.
who won't talk back, or make me feel like shit for feeling the way i do.
because that isn't fair and it sucks.
and i suck because i do the same to other people.
i wish i could just not be me. i don't want this anymore. i don't want to hate everyday i'm alive and feel like i'm never ever going to amount to anything no matter how hard i try. i want to cry on every phone call to every stranger. i want someone to help me get out of this. i want someone to get me help and make me get better. i hate feeling like people don't believe me when i say there is something wrong with me. i know there is, because i'm sitting here in the dark listening to music crying because i can't get a blood pressure check until the 27th of this month and will have to be without birth control for a month. does it even fucking matter that much? i don't even think that's the real reason i'm crying. it's because out of maybe the 25 people i talked to today, only one sounded half concerned about me and offered to help me more than just giving me a stupid phone number and wishing me luck. no one cares. and no one should. since it's my life and not anyone else's. it's too difficult anyway to care about other people. it's stupid. it's really stupid. that this world is so trivial and it's finally gotten into me... now i can't let go of the stupid things that everyone obsess about. i just fucking want to be unique and loved by people. i want friends who understand me and who i can actually talk to without getting a lecture. i'm so sick of lectures, i'm so sick of feeling like i just don't matter as a human being. i can't even find my own reason to live. i'm just floating around doing jack shit because i don't see the point of doing anything anyway. it won't get me the things i want. it won't make me feel beautiful or better about myself or my position in life. and none of those things matter anyway because we all die in the end and we all are forgotten.
and i wish i didn't have to take part in this game. this game that's been going on for thousands of years. this game that has no point and no winner. we all lose. what's the point of playing a game you know you won't win... why is everything a fucking game to me?
maybe my life would be more meaningful if i was ugly. or if i was obese. or if i was evil and a murderer... or if i could listen to people. or if people could listen to people. or if anyone cared to listen to anything.
i hate these stupid breakdowns. they make me feel so stupid and small and helpless. AND SO FUCKING ALONE...
hopefully the rest of today will be good.
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godessalthena
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2008 22 February :: 9.55am
FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERY FUCKING THING.
ESPECIALLY PHARMACIES, HEALTH CENTERS AND THOSE STUPID MACHINES. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.
THANKS FOR FUCKING RUINING MY FUCKING DAY YOU MOTHERFUCKING DOUCHEBAGS.
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godessalthena
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2008 22 February :: 7.33am
i had a dream last night.
that a man came into a house i was living in.
he stabbed me in the side and pushed me on the floor.
he was going to rape me...
but just then kirk came to bed and woke me up.
thanks god.
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aerii
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2008 22 February :: 5.40am
I don't get why some people have to be such bitches.
It's time to grow up and learn how to be civil to other people.
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aerii
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2008 21 February :: 6.22am
anyone have any ideas of subjects i can use for a photography portfolio?
:D
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godessalthena
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2008 16 February :: 9.51am
:: Mood: confused
School... or work forever..?
Taking a year off of school really sucked. Being at a dead-end job really stinks. Knowing that I'll have to do what I'm doing for at least a year before I get a raise. And knowing that what I do is extremely boring and thankless and stressful makes me feel stupid for being there.
I think I was having such a hard time being excited about school was because it was what my parents wanted. I knew that an education is important in getting a good job that pays well... But I really didn't know how important a good paying job was. And that better paying jobs usually have less shitty customers.
And then when I have kids and they know I've never been to college... How much will they respect me? I mean... Getting educated is important. And having a good job that you don't hate is important. And being able to make a living on your own is important... And right now I don't really have any of those things. And free school is a really great opportunity.
I mean, it would require me to move out and away from Kirk... But what we have can survive that. We don't really see each other anyway during the week anyway... And he would be free to do as much studying as he wanted without feeling guilty for not paying attention to me. And at this point I feel like I can concentrate on what I need.. I've been streamlining my life for Kirk, so I can marry him and have his kids, and that's it. I need to do something for me, so I know I can do things for me.
I'm afraid about getting another shitty roommate... But it won't be so bad. I always can leave and study. If I worked hard enough I'd be able to graduate with Kirk, or only a year later, rather than two. Of course, I'd have to pick a major now and stick with it. Which I know I can do if I really try... And I haven't been trying to do anything since high school...
I take so much for granted right now. I take this apartment, this relationship... all of this stuff for granted.
I can't live my life for someone else. I need to start living for myself and doing things to secure my future. This last year really taught me that... I can't just rot, wasting my potential and intelligence...
I'm worth so much more than all this.
Any opinions would be great... I would love to hear from all of you...
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poisonedheart
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2008 12 February :: 10.26pm
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godessalthena
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::
2008 12 February :: 10.13pm
man woohu is such a happy little place now!
everyone's so happy and content with their lives and the people in it...
jk haha. sorry. i'm insensitive i guess..
i've just been sooooo fucking sick and soooo fucking frustrated at work.
and with people at work. and situations at work... and hours at work... and just all this bullshit at work.
but at least i've found out who really wants to be my friend, and who really needs to get their shit together. i think i've finally found someone who had values that match mine... and who has interesting stories to tell... and a nice fast car to chill in. i'm really excited about this one.
but i think i say that about all of my new friends... and eventually i become disillusioned with them... but shaunte actually calls me. which is so nice. because now when i get home i have something to do other than go to sleep. haha.
i really should call my friends more often...
i'm such a lazy bitch...
but at least i'm a lazy bitch with money.
peace out babiessszzzz
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poisonedheart
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2008 11 February :: 8.32pm
"Broken Heart"
I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I'll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love
But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I'll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They'll never guess what's not inside
I'll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they'll talk to me
But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I'll destroy this useless heart
I'll fuck it up so it'll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone
But I get carried away
with every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it, you just have to live with it
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godessalthena
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::
2008 8 February :: 4.52pm
:: Mood: frustrated
beauty and the geek
so i'm re-watching beauty and the geek... I really love this show...
Mostly because of Nate. Who is an amazing person through the whole show. I just wish there could be more people like him... In the world and in my life.
The ending of the season was perfect. Just how it should have been. I watch it and it makes me wonder why we're the way we are... Why can't we be more willing to accept people? Why can't we forgive people and understand people?
It's hard for me to understand why some people don't hate themselves for the way they are. I don't know how people who are stupid and selfish don't see it and feel bad for it. I mean, being stupid but understanding is one thing and being selfish but understanding to an extent... is fine... But being totally pig headed and retarded... I just don't get it.
But man, I love Nate. And watching this show makes me wish I could know him in real life.
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aerii
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2008 5 February :: 6.10pm
i feel like i dont have a best friend anymore
i know i'll always have nicole, but its hard because she lives across the state.
i just want someone to talk face to face to
someone who will actually listen
and not try to kiss my ass or sound all nice by giving me false sympathy
i dont fucking want your sympathy
i just want someone to listen
and realize how retarded i feel lately
i feel so alone
and i keep trying to tell that to people
but no one is there to listen
i wish nicole were here
or that someone was here for me
because i dont know what to do
i feel so pathetic
and lost
and worthless
and i dont want to anymore...
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aerii
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2008 5 February :: 6.28am
i just want to leave this town already.
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godessalthena
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2008 3 February :: 7.10am
i just pretend to be who i am because i don't know anything else.
i really do like being happy.
and all i really do is laugh.
but i guess i think that if i'm depressed people will love me more.
now i realize that no matter what i am, people will love me the same.
and that sometimes means i'm s.o.l. and sometimes it means i'm hella lucky.
it's my dad's birthday today.
and i thought it was lily's too, but i'm stupid and it was yesterday...
:( sorry lily! Happy day late birthday! <3<3
love,
amelia
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poisonedheart
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2008 28 January :: 7.33pm
Well fuck you too bitch.
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godessalthena
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2008 27 January :: 5.07pm
i hate how i can be so happy one second and the next i'm hella pissed or hurt.
i wish i could just be happy.
or at least not angry.
i feel lonely.
even when he's there...
i feel like i'm alone.
when i'm with anyone...
i feel so apart.
and i hate it.
is there something in me that makes me different?
i just want to feel whole again.
i just want to feel happy.
it's only five and i want to go to bed.
i want to read a really good book.
but i finished my last book and i have no more...
sigh.
this bites.
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poisonedheart
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2008 27 January :: 12.06am
Dealing with other people is too painful sometimes...I think I'm gonna be reclusive for a while...bye.
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aerii
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2008 26 January :: 2.03pm
it's not worth it.
i'm not worth it.
so fuck it.
nothing is ever going to go right for me.
no one is ever going to be there for me.
this is pathetic
and i'm pathetic
and i hope she's fucking happy.
i hope you're all so fucking happy.
when the hell is it going to be my turn?
i'm sick of feeling like shit and hating myself. sick of freaking out over nothing and crying like a baby. i'm sick of people thinking that it's okay to be an asshole and make someone feel like nothing. sick of not having any answers. sick of not being able to accept things and of not being able to say what i think or how i feel.
none of this came out right.
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