rayray
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2005 11 October :: 11.06am
I barely eat.
I barely sleep.
I'm constantly getting sick. Or feeling sick.
I hate who I have become since my heart was broken.
I hate the person he is. I hate that he constantly talks about her.
I am so easily annoyed I can't stand to be around myself. So I sit in silence. I am so quiet I scare myself.
I've been so mean to him that I hate myself for being so cold and heartless to someone other than myself. I keep contradicting myself. I want revenge. I want him to feel the pain I feel everyday. Every second of everyday. I want him to suffer. I want him to know what it feels like to lose everything that had importance in your life. To lose everything you ever dreamed of having. To have everything just ripped away from you just like that.
I wish that he'd hurt so bad he'd lose sleep. He'd stop eating. He'd be sick.
I want him to know what it's like to feel this alone on top of all the other things I have to deal with.
I wish he'd understand a little of how I feel. I wish he'd quit telling me that he loves me even though I want him to tell me so much. I want him to actually mean it when he says it.
If he loved me he wouldn't have done what he did. He wouldn't have given up on me. He wouldn't be doing what he's doing to me.
I want so badly just to tell him how I feel. I informed him a little bit. Enough to spark curiousity.
I asked questions I thought I'd get answers to.
Maybe Andy's right. Maybe he hasn't answered my questions yet because he's trying to keep me from hating him, trying to keep me close incase things don't work out with her. He's holding onto me, because he knows I'd do anything, give anything, to be with him again. He knows that if I have the answers I want, it will help me move on. It will help me get over him.
I purposely try to piss him off. So that it's easier for me to push him away. But he knows that I can't stand for him to be upset with me. He knows that if he shows that he's upset with me, I'll apologize. And then he'll tell me I have nothing to be sorry for. Then I will explain why I believe I should be sorry, and start crying. And he'll be right there to comfort me. To put me back together.
I feel like I'm still falling in love with him. I'm seeing a different side of him. A side I should hate because it hurts me so much. Yet I just continue to fall in love with him. Everytime I talk to him. Everytime I laugh with him. Create any sort of memory with him, I fall deeper into love with him. Yet he makes me so miserable.
If I don't talk to him I hurt more.
2 Open Fire |
[x]
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spud
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2005 10 October :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: self-propelled oscillating fan device thingy
sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm totally fucking up this car thing. doing it all wrong. i should buy a cheap american car as a beater. sell the red rocket. and then wait until dad has a pole barn where i can build my cheap race car.
i would so totally like to buy evil betty. and a beater. that would be teh sweetness. but i'm not in a position to do either. and i can't help but think i fucked myself. it looked like a winner at the time. i thought i had it all figured out. it seemed to be everything i wanted. i guess now i'll just have to make it what i want.
this is the first time i've ever upgraded a car without HAVING to repair it. i'm just upgrading because i feel like it.
to me that's a dangerously easy way to spend a couple hundred bucks.
this does not look good for homestarrunner.
i wonder if i could get a job at a shop. that seems to be the way to do this cheaply.
[x]
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jayzulla
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2005 10 October :: 7.29am
2 crazy, insane things have happened.
1. we got a kitten (casper)
2. my hair got cut. its now just below my ears. it feels weird...
3 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 9 October :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: liebevoll...
:: Music: heart - dog and butterfly
and just like that. life is good.
i was really afraid that i'd never be able to listen to heart again without crying.
and honestly, i'm still very close to tears. but that's okay.
i'm just tired of being a screw-up. and asking everyone else to just tolerate me. and they do it. maybe out of pity? nay (yeah, i said "nay". deal with it), out of love; unjustified, though that love may be.
and rachel's cool. she seemed really happy for me. i just hope she can find someone. or at least find peace with being single.
i'm still dirty though. i'll take a shower in the morning. at least 2 of my worlds are meshing. it's a start.
6 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 9 October :: 6.51pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: nuffink
growing up (post-divorce), i felt like i lived three different lives. one at school. one at home. and one at dad's.
i'm pretty sure i've graduated to like 7 different lives by now. and they're all constantly clashing with each other. they're not tidily separated like they were in the past.
i would really like to get back down to, oh say... one. that would be fantastic.
*
i got together with jackie. we talked. it was wonderful. but now i'm left with this tremendous guilt. like i don't deserve jackie's forgiveness, and i'm a horrible person for using rachel like i did. and just. messy.
and my homework is not doing itself, either. not that that is unusual.
and i forgot to get fucking groceries. so i'm going to have to remember when i'm out and about tomorrow. SHIT. i just remembered, i also forgot grandma's care package of cookies. which she gave me because i ditched on brunch to be with jackie. which was important. and then i ditched on dinner at kathy's... 'cause. i don't know. i just needed to get away for awhile.
the car has been postponed to next weekend. i get the parts tomorrow. i'm doing the valve cover, valve cover gasket, lifters, timing belt... and maybe the shift lever, if i get the chance to run to that place in cornstalk park. i need a boot and lever. and a dome light. and rear seatbelts.
i guess i could always remove the rear seat entirely, and that would solve the WHOLE problem. yeah. when i get a winter beater.
i'm just so emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. and i know that it still pales in comparison to what jackie's going through. i'm just too numb to go through it twice. and i never wanted to do that to her. and that's exactly what i fucking did.
i'm supposed to give a persuasive speech tomorrow.
oh dear.
[x]
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rayray
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2005 8 October :: 6.00am
I hate being up this damn early. No one is online. No one is up at home. And the people I could call to talk to, are at work. Last night I tried to get ahold of my step-cousin Jason to see if he wanted to come up this weekend, or maybe I go down there. But no luck.
If you were to look at my hands, you'd think I weigh like 200 pounds. Damn swollenness.
Tonight is going to be boring. Chinese at 4. Thats it. How sad :(
[x]
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spud
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2005 7 October :: 10.34am
:: Mood: ass.
:: Music: the mars volta - "i'm totally freaking out, man!"
wow. i'm really disoriented. and this music isn't helping. oh well. it's still fucking cool.
i guess i'm going to work on the car tonight. hunter invited me to the haunt, but i'm not sure if i'm going to go or not.
it reminds me of a few years ago. the time i went to dee's house for halloween. and i was single, and miserable. considering i've spent the last 3 years un-single, and intermittently miserable, i don't know how to feel now.
i hate being this big of a jerk. but i know it's the only way.
this is what i get for taking romance advice from dorkus.
5 Open Fire |
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rayray
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2005 7 October :: 8.07am
I wrote this letter, to go along with a gift I got for Brian. It was kind of a thank you/have a nice life type deal. In the letter I explained a few things and asked a lot of questions that may answers may be helpful to have so that I can move on without feeling guilty or have trouble doing. Hell, I still haven't moved on from Shaun. I think about him constantly. I see him quite frequently now. Yesterday when I saw him, I gave him a hug. Strangely enough, he wanted the hug. But that seems like false hope to try and get something going there again. Anyway, at the end of the letter I said "It is up to you to decide how I recieve these answers (phone, in person or by letter). If you choose to not respond then I will consider our friendship completely over and erase you from my life. And also, if you truly loved me like you said then you wouldn't have done what you did and 'given up' on me." After work this morning he gave me a hug and said "So I'll be calling you after I read the letter" and I replied with "That is if you still want to talk to me after reading the letter. I'd say I'm sorry for what I said, however I'm not." So who knows how things will go. It's quarter after eight, and he still hasn't called. But perhaps he's going to wait until after I get out of my chiropractor appointment so that we have time to talk.
Anyway I must go plug in my phone and make sure that Derek has his coat and backpack for school.
I'm hoping that I will be able to sleep today. Even though the only plans I have for this weekend, are going to Belding so that I can hopefully get my car, and then to go to Chinese with Tara before she goes to homecoming.
P.S. Jimmy the first shift die setter looks very very nice in tight pants :)
[x]
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rayray
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2005 6 October :: 4.08pm
So I got the rest of my stuff from Brian. Everyone at work thinks I'm pregnant because I've gotten sick everyday for the last week. However, I barely sleep. I eat but not as much as I used to. I have a doctors appointment tuesday.
And for now, I'm just waiting for Charlie to call me back to let me know if we're going to hang out this weekend. If he doesn't call by 7 I'll call him back. Although I don't want to seem too persistent.
Hopefully I get my car back today. Im sick of putting gas in the tank of my dads truck.
Eh.
4 Open Fire |
[x]
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spud
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2005 6 October :: 10.23am
okay. well. everything is packed. and i did laundry last night. there's still one little spot, but the majority is gone. it smells good, and it's folded nice and pretty. that's more than i can usually manage.
i'm just really weirded out about the whole thing. but last night was a good talk. didn't really accomplish anything, but it made me feel better.
i just remember sometime back in march asking myself "why?"
and getting the response "why not?"
i couldn't find a good reason not to, so i did. and now we both have several reasons not to, and we're hard pressed to convince ourselves "why".
from that perspective, it seems pretty obvious. it's still really sad though.
Ich habe nicht gut glück mit die Fräu...
2 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 5 October :: 5.02pm
:: Music: uno melodic (funk compilation old skool)
dear diary, (mood: apathetic...)
i must be eeemo...
well. i about crapped my pants. i put the stopper back in the throttle linkages, so the butterfly would open sooner. i could NOT possiby start from a dead stop without squawking them in first. until the stop screw fell out.
i have to devise a way to change the setting. i like how it is now for road driving. it's doggier than sin, but it's smooth, with good low-end torque. then when i'm "racing" i can shove some sort of stopper in, then just take it out when i'm done. but first i'll need to be fixing my hood latch. it sucks having to open it with a screwdriver.
"the mating call of the teenage girl"... i need to buy me some techno to blare on my system. and some mid-ranges for the back. i'm thinking some 6-8" woofers or something. i think that would cover what i'm missing. maybe closer to 5" i don't know. we'll see. i'll just try a bunch of different stuff. whatever dad has lying around the trailer.
i don't really want to drive the gti this winter. but i don't want to get a beater either. and i don't have anywhere to store it. fuck. i don't want to HAVE to get a job on top of school.
plus next semester, i'm bumping up to 16 credits and possibly an internship for even more credits. yes. i'm pretty insane, that's for certain.
i think jackie and i are over. but i'm not really sure. she's not saying anything. i guess i'll operate on the assumption that she hates my guts. and then if she doesn't, i'll provide her with ample reason to. which would prove difficult, because i hate being mean. but then again, maybe if i just keep being myself that will be reason enough.
i'm sore from lifting yesterday. and i did a mile on the treadmill. a WHOLE mile! aren't you proud of me? i knew you would be. i need to stay on top of the lifting business. i want to feel huge. not necessarily look huge, but feel huge. and right now i don't.
that's enough for now, i think.
funkalicious.
6 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 5 October :: 8.42am
:: Mood: i'm awake, honest...
okay. so maybe it wasn't such a great idea. but that's okay.
i had fun, right?
shut up, brain.
i wanna take a nap. german quiz in T-15.
[x]
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jayzulla
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2005 4 October :: 7.42am
the longer life goes on, the more i realize there are no friends. and the more life goes on, i realize its about who you trust and who you dont. and lastly, there arnt many people worth trusting.
2 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 3 October :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: Yes - Close to the edge
several seditious scribes from syria...
well, i went to the commmunications discussion board tonight. they had people there from wood tv 8, fox 17, and the grand rapids press.
i was disappointed that they didn't have any radio people there.
and it's just more of the same thing. me having questions - unanswerable ones. at least, none that they can answer for me. i have to find out for myself. and nobody seems to know how. aside from getting knee deep into it, only to realize i'm in the wrong place, then look somewhere else. i'm personally getting a little tired of the runaround. but how else am i supposed to find it?
i mean, i have a strange and unique combination of skills and interests. that must mean that i have a unique role out there somewhere. i'd like to think that god didn't just put me here for shits and giggles, with no real purpose. and i'd like to think i can feel good for serving that purpose. but if i don't know what the purpose is, how can i tell if i'm serving it properly, and adequately?
i'm just tired of running in circles, not knowing where to go or what to do.
...
i readjusted the throttle setup according to the bentley. it's definitely smoother, and i have more low-end torque. but it doesn't wind out nearly as quickly. and i was going to try putting the stop-screw into the linkages, so the butterfly would open sooner, but the hood latch release is on the fritz. so now i can't even get into the engine compartment. i'll have to figure out a way to get at it with like a coat-hanger or something, to get it open, so i can fix it. but i didn't feel like doing it tonight. and i don't know if i have solid lifters or hydraulic lifters or what, but i guess i need to replace them. they're noisy as fuck. which is really loud, in case you were wondering.
edit: the mess i have to work with -
that's all for now kids. and my "blow shit off all weekend" thing has yet again come back to bite me in the ass. at least i got to sleep in this morning. so i'll be coherent while i'm pulling the late-nighter. but it will suck tomorrow morning. i think i might go lift weights tomorrow night. that would be cool. by my lonesome...
it's too easy to fall into this cycle. it sucks you in. makes you lazy. makes ME lazy.
2 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 3 October :: 10.51am
an excerpt from the autobiography of Saint Ignatius Loyola (honors reading)
"When he thought of worldly things it gave him great pleasure, but afterward he found himself dry and sad. But when he thought of journeying to Jerusalem, and of living only on herbs, and practicing austerities, he found pleasure not only while thinking of them, but also when he had ceased."
that's what peace is. when the thoughts can stop, and the good feeling keeps right on going.
that's what i want. i'm greedy for it. but i find that i don't need religion in order to get the feeling, and keep it. i just need spirituality.
[x]
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 11.45pm
hector is the king of late apexes...
The Nürnburg Ring
top speed: 223 mph
lap time: 6:49
(close your tags...)
2 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 6.48pm
:: Music: incubus - here in my room
i'm sick of angry people. they make me mad...
i'll do my best to not become one of them. it's such a waste.
oh, i wrote some free verse.
:
I'm in the car - in the parking lot - watching the smoke haze drift lazily; languidly wending its way out the window.
With a futile hope that the smoke will occlude my mind's eye, and prevent me from remembering all of the wonderful moments.
I lack the capacity to avert the catastrophe. My unmitigated audacity portends impending unpleasantness. The end?
:
maybe i'm overreacting, being a drama queen. but i'm not going to bend over and take it like i always have in the past. fuck that shit. i mean it still hurts more than words can say, but i refuse to be stupid about it.
it's gonna take me a while to gather everything back into the snowman bag. and to get those grease stains out of the aéropostale hoodie, but we'll get there. in the mean time, i'm going to have some fun. and most people disagree with me on what's fun. but so what. like right now, i'm going to eat food, listen to music, and read a fucking book. because i think that will be fun. and i may just turn my phone off while i do it.
quote: (jan 12, double-oh five)
i'm sick of katie being so goddamn difficult. i love her, i really do, but i'm tired of busting my ass, and having shit fall through, then getting flack about how i'm not good enough.
2 Open Fire |
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rayray
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2005 2 October :: 8.53am
As of Friday evening in Arizona, my sister is engaged with a ring. She says it sparkles and will blind people. Derrick is as giddy as she is. The wedding is in April in Vegas.
Friday I went to the doctor for my knee. The MRI came back negative, however something could still be torn. I have to take anti-inflammitories again, and wear a knee brace for 2-3 weeks. If the pain does not get better or go away, then I have to have surgery.
I slept for an hour and a half on friday. After working all night thursday, and then getting Derek on the bus, going to the doctor, driving to belding, going to belding, then to the football game, and then to work, on an hour and a half of sleep, I was worthless by saturday morning. However I made it through the night, even after getting sick and busting my ass off. I'm pissed at myself for missing red flannel yesterday. Kayliegh tried to wake me up, and I guess I gave her the worst dirty look she has ever gotten.
Today I have a family gathering. Yay for me. Not. I've been up since 5:30.
McDonalds breakfast is sounding mighty good right now. Even though I have already had bacon, an apple, and a bowl of cereal.
[x]
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rayray
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2005 30 September :: 8.16am
Just waiting patiently for the bus to come pick Derek up for school. Ah the joys of being an adopted older sister. Maybe this will help me for when I decide to be a mother. Or make me appreciate my older siblings more.
[x]
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spud
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2005 29 September :: 12.38am
:: Mood: Kreativ
:: Music: WGVU jazz...
because i like to show off:
Nein pferdspielen, immer!
Wer ist größer: ein Nilpferd aber Schwein?
.
.
.
yeah, that's all i've got so far. pferdspielen! honestly... i crack myself up, sometimes.
[x]
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spud
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2005 28 September :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: i'm totally crushing!
:: Music: seal - don't cry (on the radio!!)
recent events
okay. so i drove the car today!!!
just around the block, but still. and i'm still leaking oil onto the manifold, and it's burning off, making one hell of a stink. karl said he thought it was the valve cover gasket... which means i need to source a G60 valve cover, and a new gasket.
that should be an "easy" project. *knocks on wood* relatively speaking.
but it drove okay. and i adjusted the shift linkages to where they were happy. i still want to get a new shift lever, because the one that's in there is all fubar and sloppy.
some more tweaking of the clutch adjustment and such, and it should be getting close to happy.
and i still have to do all the vacuum shit on the intake to get it running properly. there's some REALLY nasty clicking going on in the compartment somewhere. it sounds like super-pronounced lifter noise on a single cylinder, but it could be anything. i hope it's not something with the cam. i don't want to tear the engine apart. no thank you.
at least... not yet.
mwahaahaaa.
and i'm also the king of breakfast for dinner. half a dozen maple links and a poached egg. i fucking rock sometimes.
i'm not gaining weight yet, but this summer's muscle is definitely softening a bit. oh well. i obviously don't care enough about it to do anything yet.
if only delilah played jazz. that would be nice.
but i drove it today, that's the important thing. and i wound up doing the CV joint all by myself anyway... so add that to the repertoire.
i'm really starting to get this. and it feels absolutely marvelous.
only bad thing was, i accidentally sent a jack stand through the already disintegrating floor pan. things to NOT look good for homestarrunner...
i'm not going to be able to go through the snow with this. shit.
oh well. one thing at a time, right?
2 Open Fire |
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rayray
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2005 28 September :: 8.02am
So things didnt go like I had planned on. Monday I didn't go get my stuff from his house, because Tiffany was there. So I was going to go over there yesterday and get it. But one of us had the grand idea of going to the zoo. And of course we went to the zoo. It was fun. We had a good time. The damn monkeys and their sex. (Have photo-footage of a monkey fingering another monkey). Talk about different. Well anyway.. After the zoo we came here, ate, and then he left. And I went to sleep.
Travis and I will be friends and friends only. We keep pissing each other off with our different views on certain things. Plus I can't get passed the fact that he smokes. So oh well. Probably for the better.
Hopefully things pan out soon.
4 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 27 September :: 10.28pm
all the wonderful news.
so. i have a bunch and oodles and lots of homework to do.
and i really fucking need groceries. and i have about five dollaz. so, i figure it would be nice to see mom and have her buy me stuff.
5 hours later i'm just really pissed off. and suddenly food doesn't seem worth it.
not to mention i didn't get jack shit done on the homework front.
i'm going to have to rock the German until midnight. then crash hard.
and just wing my fucking communications paper last minute.
and when i get out of COM, i guess i'm meeting up with adam so he can tow my car over to a shop that bruce frequents so they can finish the mess that i started. because i'm obviously incapable. i guess i'm just too slow and stupid to work on cars. who'da thunk, right?
and i got a fucking 84% on friday's essay. which, coming from that teacher, means that it was a good paper. just not a standout in the awesomeness dept. whatev. he just doesn't seem to be on my wavelength. but still a cool guy. he likes suck ups. and i've never been a suck up. and i'm not sure i'm willing to become one for a single letter grade. maybe my tune will change. i'm just pissed at myself for getting into this mess.
but now that i'm here, i have to get out.
i'm tired of this constant feeling that i'm doing something horribly wrong, that everyone else naturally seems to just GET.
Cock fuck.
you know what i want. i want to fall asleep right now. get 11 hours of gorgeous sleep, full of wonderful dreams, and when i wake up, have jackie be laying there next to me. and then i can make her breakfast. and we could go for a walk after breakfast. and then go see some sort of concert or play or something. then we could race go-carts. then we would go swimming and relax on the beach. followed by a walk through the woods. then a bonfire, with lots of friends. then back to bed, so we could watch a movie and fall asleep in each other's arms.
and will even ONE of those things happen?
no.
and i need to move practice with rob to friday. thursday is the newton research meeting. and i'm still looking to get more involved on campus. an irrefutably moronic pursuit, given my current condition. but then again, when haven't i been a moron?
i heard the snare line again tonight... :-(
2 Open Fire |
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2005 27 September :: 3.10am
2 AM muffin session...
i am pooped.
final count:
5 pages.
1,611 words.
and i totally milked the margins. i hope she doesn't notice. or i can just play stupid. it's only 15% of my grade...
[x]
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spud
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2005 26 September :: 6.34pm
a perpetual case of the cosmic horn?
nope. no red-bottomosity here.
anyway. i'm about halfway through my paper. it's been about 3/4 hours of work. no good.
i keep hitting standstills.
so, i think i'm gonna go grab some dinner or something. just get out of here for awhile. then it's back to the grindstone.
i also did laudry today. --- jigga what!?
[x]
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rayray
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2005 24 September :: 3.54pm
Would you be surprised if I said I found a new prospect. Would you be really surprised if I said he was from (originally) Cedar. Yeah, well it may be nothing more than just friends. I'm still not over Brian, but it helps being just friends. I think I'm going over there monday. Little does he know, it's to get my stuff. Whoops, I must have failed to mention that to him when I was asking if I could come over. Ah well. Maybe he'll figure it out that I don't want to hear about Tiffany all the time. I don't like even hearing her name. He apologized for her being with him at my doctors appointment. I lied and said I didn't care, and that it would have been nice just to know first instead of being surprised like that.
But for now, I think I'm going to call my mom.
5 Open Fire |
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rayray
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2005 23 September :: 5.51pm
I was told last night that last night was the first night in forever that my eyes didnt look broken. They didnt look like I was going to start crying any second. I was happy last night. Im happy now. But sadly I miss my mom. I was going to go to lunch with her today. Aunt Lisa woke me up. My alarm woke me up. I fell back to sleep. Aparently my body didnt want me to do. I was tired. Either that or I am lazy at 10:30 in the morning. I have to work all weekend. Sucky. But I need the money. I need to start giving my grandma more money for the car. I need to save more money for college. Ack. Well I am off to the shower so that I can go spend sometime with Katie.
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spud
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2005 23 September :: 10.42am
i don't have any pictures of me playing drums...
we'll have to fix that.
i thought of it because i'm decorating the door. it's HAWTT!
[x]
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rayray
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2005 22 September :: 7.27pm
So Im all moved out.
I don't feel like I did the right thing.
I'm glad I'm not there.
Brian was really helpful today. He was really supportive and helped me not cave into staying.
I just want to sleep. But I need a shower. Should probably go to the store. And I have a little bit more unpacking and settling in to do.
1 Open Fire |
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spud
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2005 4 August :: 10.08pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: coldplay - high speed
from my archived letters to god...
Well. College starts in a few weeks. That should be interesting. As per usual, I’m absurdly unprepared for it all… but I suppose I should get used to that if I intend to keep living life the way I do. Although that seems to be a big bone of contention with Jackie and her mom. Not so much contention as unrest, I suppose. Just the fact that I’m always so “busy”. They think nobody my age should be that busy. And I’m equally frustrated that despite the business, I so rarely feel I have accomplished anything worthwhile. But you know better, even if I don’t see it.
And as for Jackie and her mom, I know they’re absolutely correct; but I think age has little to do with it. I would sooner say that nobody should ever be too busy. And I need to get it through my thick skull that I accomplish more, and make more gratifying societal contributions, when – although I’m trying to accomplish things – I’m not in a hurry, I’m not overwhelmed (or even just whelmed, as the case may be), and I’m never EVER “too busy”. It is my responsibility, duty, and privilege to make the most out of every situation I am placed in. to know that I’m right where and when I should be… because you want me there, so you put me there, and I should embrace the aberrations and adapt to the alterations that take place in my life.
To fight is a waste of energy.
Tonight is the place for love.
This life is but a gift to me,
And strife the only plight to shove.
One of these days I’ll actually write some shit that makes sense, in addition to sounding good. As of yet, I can only do one of those at a time. I should just stick with what sounds good.
- page two -
(this is where it gets mushy)
I really do love Jackie so much, somehow. I know that sounds bad, but I don’t mean it to. She’s certainly not unlovable; quite the contrary. And she never ceases to amaze me, in innumerable ways. For instance:
I’m definitely not incapable of loving someone. I love lots of people. But, the ones I love most often get the worst of me. And Jackie is no exception.
I just can never find the right words for her… and all the bad things I do, whether habitually or instinctually – things I’ve eradicated from all the other facets of my life – have crept up with her from time to time. Maybe it’s just that I’m so relaxed in her presence… which I’m immensely thankful for and simultaneously awed by. I don’t know. It could be anything. I just know I desperately want to stop inadvertently being such an ass. I’m sure I wouldn’t do it on purpose.
It’s just so vitally important. I love her in a way that I’ve never felt for anybody else in my life. Not that I haven’t loved, but this is something bigger, something more. And I’m just begging you to not let me fuck it up. Because, when left to my own devices… let’s just say things don’t go so hot.
Speaking of hot, it’s quite toasty in here (the van). It’s been about 45 minutes, and there is a film of permanent adhesion that has been formed between the seat cover and me by my perspiration. It’s quite disgusting. But dad and Kathy should be done in the chapel soon, so then I can roll down the window and dry off some.
Thanks for always listening. I feel so much better now. You’re the greatest.
Chris.
[x]
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