rayray
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2008 24 February :: 7.35pm
So yeah nothing new has happened lately..
The guy on myspace that sent me that message, his profile has been deleted..
My sister had a dream about me.
She dreamt that I had a 2 month old girl that looked just like me, and i was hiding her from my family.
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spud
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2008 22 February :: 12.45am
:: Music: temple of the dog
i shot ten minutes of b-roll, and twenty minutes of interview today. so, nobody can say i'm slacking off. i have a com midterm tomorrow at two. filming some more b-roll from 3 to 5. not sure what's happening after that. possibly another interview.
saturday morning i have the studio from 8 to 10, so stewart can come in and lay down some phat bass grooves. midday might do some more interview action. and in the evening, kevin requested my company doing god-knows-what.
sunday i planned on doing church, lifting, maybe a movie, and then making up a bunch of shit for that scriptwriting assignment i wrote about last time. i also have an article due monday by two, so that might happen sunday night as well.
it looks pretty when i say it like that. very neat and orderly. everything fits.
however, reality is very very different. reality includes all the stuff i know about but didn't add to the schedule. it also includes all of the unfortunate (and sometimes fortunate) random shit that i'll never see coming, no matter how hard i try.
i don't know which i'd prefer, the reality as it is now, or the reality as it would be if it followed the paper exactly. the paper would be boring, but i feel like i'd be much more productive and much less stressed out. and i wouldn't feel as guilty about forgetting people (since it wouldn't happen) and i would never have to deal with the trauma of "picking favorites" (regardless of whether they're actually favorites, or just necessary damage control).
meh. life treats me well though. far better than i deserve. i just hope to god there's a light at the end of the tunnel. because, it feels like there is, but that it's never going to come. as we all know, light moves faster than i do, so i have zero chance to ever catch up with that shit. none whatsoever.
but i guess i'm supposed to be okay with that.
thanks once again, mr. j. for letting me bitch into you, and for having you not judge me. or even notice me at all, really. i appreciate that sometimes.
[x]
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jayzulla
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2008 19 February :: 4.32pm
:: Music: Kottonmouth Kings - The Munchies
Great Song
(DADDY X)I got the munchies im feelin kinda hungry
Im at the grocery fillin up the humvee
These cereal boxes is lookin kinda funny: captain crunch, sugar smacks, and that trix bunny
Its like loadyland, disney for a stoner
Or viagra for your needy boner
Aisle after aisle I forgot what I came for
The store is closing but I gotta get me more munchies for a big night of kickin it
We bought an ounce an we packin it and rippin it
Richter go fire up the flame pit, grab the acoustic, strung naturalmistic
Hot tub yea you know its bubblin, but first I gotta stop my stomach from grumbling
Tasty, all aphrodisiacs, I got the munchies, weres the snack pack
(RICHTER)
bbq chips, and plenty of refreshments
Gummy bears, microwavables, mini thinmints
Ice cream, beef jerky, and candy bars
Del taco, get a number 4 with no sauce (extra cheese)
Vanilla shakes, sugar outta a straw (pixie sticks)
Now and laters, peach jolly ranchers, and buttered popcorn (I got the munchies)
Chocolates, fizzie sticks, cookies and otter pops
Reeses peices cups, tangy taffy, cracker jack box
My stomachs so hungry I need some mad munchies
How many g’s we’d smoked nobody ever really believe
Felt like a track meet meet, inhaling smoked heavily, barely time enough to take an air of breath and breathe
Now in straight cravin a BLT with extra bacon
No onions I don’t need my breathe to be stankin
Now for deserts let’s see what we got for some options
Dairy Queen, Marie CalendarS, or Baskin Robins
The clerk was cool at the 31 flavors
He let everybody make their own shit and yes he gave us…
…everything for free 50 free no charge
So we got an 8th of weed and two girlies in his car
Passably stoner Plus my gut was still growlin louder than a pack of coyotes for moon howlin
3 am 7-11 thankin god cause stoners heaven 24 theY never ever close the shop
(DADDY X)
(munchies) kisses and coco puffs
Fritos, chili cheese, Crunch N' Munch,
(I got the munchies) drumsticks, chocolate, cookie dough
Cheetos flaming hot and mangos
(I got the munchies) Smoothies, burritos with extra cheese
Jalapeńos, hot sauce, or jolly lemon squeeze
(I got the munchies) nachos, pepperoni pizza
Hot wings, french fries and slurpees
(I got the munchies)
(D-LOC)
Im hungry as a motherfucker you know I got the munchies
I keep it gangsta, start dippin Oreo cookies
Soak em till they get soggy, let em fall apart till the bottom of my cup
Turn it up and drink it like coffee
You know I got the munchies when im at 7-11 gettin a slurpee and some nachos then bounce out to Del taco
Go get a chicken casadilla then I bought us some vato
Just ask my girl about my munchies holmes
Where the weed I need a ripp
Hurry up, pack it quick, light it up, let it fly
Feel the bud get you high
Take a trip, im gon’ dip, into space, off the kind, in my mind, imma find another place for my rhyme
I got the mother fuckin munchies
So I think ill go eat this one girl named Allison's pussy
(RICHTER)
Cherry icees, whatchamacallits,
twizzlers, bubbalicious, nachos and chili dogs
(I got the munchies)
Hostess, fruits pies and cupcakes
Twinkies, zingers, crumb doughnuts with some cool-aid
Rice krispie treat, Ritz cheez-its
Frozen grapes, grilled sandwiches with ranch please
Banana splits, string cheese, double-doubles
Golden grams, cinnamon and sugar covered churros
(I got the munchies)
I GOT THE MUNCHIES
I GOT THE MUNCHIES
I GOT THE MUNCHIES
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(SWEET DICK WILLY) THEM MOTHER FUCKERS GOT THE MUNCHIES
1 Open Fire |
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spud
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2008 18 February :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: whelmed
scriptwriting, and so on.
i'm completely overwhelmed by this assignment. i think it's really cruel to make us go right into writing a full-on script. i have NO ideas. none! i like documentaries, because you can just find something to observe, and then manipulate what you see into something artistic. i like working with small groups of people, where you collaborate and build on each other's ideas. not like this. i'm so small and alone and insignificant and inexperienced. i suck at writing scripts, because - while i am good at writing, at least in certain ways - all of those qualities are things that don't make a damn bit of difference in scriptwriting. i have NEVER done theater, whether writing or performance. my short stories have all been bad - with some good parts in there - but as a whole, bad. and i understand that the point of the class is to get better at it. but i don't see how you're going to get better when you're bogged down and stressed out and completely nonplussed. i mean, i can look at a script, once it's written, and probably pick out some of the things that are good and some of the things that are bad. but in the process of writing it, i'm so lost in the formatting and the coming up with any ideas - anything at all - that i have no attention span left for critical analysis.
i'm just pissed.
calm down chris. you're okay. you're going to the studio tomorrow night, and it will be beautiful. you're done for the day, you only have one class tomorrow. it'll all be just fine. quit being a fucktard, and just enjoy it.
okay?
okay.
1 Open Fire |
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2008 17 February :: 8.37pm
the one time i forget to copy my text before i submit, is always the time the whole entry gets deleted.
anyway, kevin:
dad's getting a band together. i want you to come try out. i will get you more information as soon as it's available. even if it's only for the summer, it'd still be fun.
also, i'm going to try applying for my passport this week. wish me luck.
2 Open Fire |
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2008 16 February :: 7.09am
i should probably go to bed soon. it's been a busy day.
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jayzulla
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2008 15 February :: 1.26pm
Funniest shit EVER. Chipmunks are the greatest rappers alive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdddxfGe-EI
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rayray
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2008 14 February :: 6.13pm
So I just received this very awkward and creepy message on myspace that I thought I would share with you!
I'm Joel, 5'11', very fit with exceptional blue eyes. I own a law firm and enjoy helping the public. From your profile it is obvious that you have an electric personality, that you have a big heart and that you are intelligent. I love traveling, shopping, cooking, music, movies, working out and the outdoors. What do you do for fun? Where would you most like to visit? Do you agree with me that any relationship is based on friendship, communication and honesty? Australia is one of my favorite destinations. You look amazing and I look forward to hearing from you. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I don't have a photo posted because my firm advertises on TV. I'm 5'11' and work out daily. When you tire of meeting losers at the bar give me a ring. I have never been married and have no children. I'm 36 and reside in lansing and Bloomfield Hills. Chivalry is my middle name and I am moving to your area very soon. I have a villa in Palm Beach so if you love the sun let me know. You can reach me at 517-449-5723.
There was no friend request, just a message..
And when I viewed his profile, there's nothing on it. No friends other than Tom, no pictures, or info.
10 Open Fire |
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jayzulla
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2008 13 February :: 2.40am
The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you
Probley one of the best quotes of the movie, not gonna lie.
I rented 3:10 to Yuma tonight. It was pretty fucking sweet movie. It makes me want to go rebuy gun for my 360. Oh wait....red ring of death -.-
2 Open Fire |
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2008 13 February :: 12.33am
:: Music: the little river band
reminiscing
you know... not much has changed, in me anyway. i like to think that i've grown or improved in some way. but i haven't, really.
gangles was on american idol tonight, doing the same thing he's always done. granted, he was essentially booed off the stage. and i knew when i saw him drumming in the intro stuff that it wouldn't end well. i think he would have been much more successful with guitar. and honestly, i wished he would have gone on. which is probably sad.
but it got me wondering... why isn't some podunk town somewhere in an uproar because I'M on national television, making an ass of myself? why isn't it me out there, doing what i love to do? and i came to the conclusion that it's the very same reason that mike chose gangles instead of me. the same reason i was always overshadowed by him in the talent show.
because i'm not a dickweed. i wish i were, but the fact remains that i am not, and i haven't been in a long long time. there was a time when i was. and i enjoyed the privileges it afforded me - just as he enjoys the privileges it affords him. but ultimately, i made a choice growing up that i wouldn't be a dickweed; that i actually wanted a few close friends who liked me, instead of many distant acquaintances who liked me and close friends i pushed away.
but lately, i've been becoming more of a dickweed again. i've begun pushing away many of those close friends, and attracting a handful of distant acquaintances. however, this time the switch wasn't really a conscious choice. sure, i've always been jealous of the dickweeds in my life, since they got to do more and be more, and i just sat there and let them. but i don't think it's worth it to me to give up my close friends, just so i can do more and be more. i'd rather have them and live in squalor, than become big and have nobody there.
even still, i find myself continuing down the path to dickweed-dom. how do i stop it? can i stop it? do i want to stop it? i don't know. maybe. yes.
but i still have no idea where that puts me, or what the next thing i have to do to change it might be.
but hey, i did dishes tonight, worked on my fafsa, did some networking business for my school projects, and watched some T.V. so what am i complaining about? i can pretend to be a big rock star later. for now i'll just be the poor college student i'm supposed to be, and find some way to assimilate and be a happy part of the machine.
"shyah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!"
4 Open Fire |
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spud
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2008 11 February :: 5.33pm
well, i got my script done. it's shitty. the dialogue is bad. i'm pretty sure it's formatted incorrectly. which is honestly no fault of mine, since he gave us a bunch of different examples, each of which was ambiguous, and different from the next. but at least it's done.
i'm pretty sure he's a terrible professor. good guy, knows a lot about film, but terrible at teaching. which is unfortunate.
here you go:
FADE IN:
INT – OFFICE – DAY
The office is brightly lit, but dark furnishings and wall coverings are ominous still. PHIL – the boss - sits, lost in thought examining paperwork, in a very imposing chair behind a large oak desk, with a large window behind showing the side of a neighboring skyscraper.
There is a KNOCK at the door.
PHIL
Come in.
JOHN enters, not timidly, but cautiously.
JOHN
You wanted to see me, sir?
PHIL
Yes, please sit down. I'll be with you in a moment.
JOHN obeys and sits in front of the desk, looking around the room, absently fidgeting with his clothes. PHIL continues to be absorbed in paperwork
PHIL (CONT'D)
Sorry to keep you waiting, but I really needed to finish that.
JOHN
Oh, it's no problem. So, you wanted to see me?
PHIL
Yes, John. I've been hearing some very disconcerting rumors regarding your conscientiousness and devotion to your work.
JOHN
(pause)... Is that so?
PHIL
Yes. I understand that you habitually leave early for and return late from your lunch breaks, but fix the numbers on the computer. You have also been known to use a hostile tone when speaking to customers. And you don't always file your reports on time. We're considering putting you on monitored probation.
JOHN
Probation!? I've been with this company for over ten years! And now you're threatening me? After all I've done for you....
PHIL
I'm sorry John, but we have standards to adhere to. And we have to ensure that all of our employees, even those who have been with us for a long time, are adhering to those standards.
JOHN
(increasingly upset) Standards, eh? The way I see it, the standards of this company went out the door the moment they let you start running the show! You're more concerned about keeping up appearances, and a healthy bottom line for the stockholders, than you are about taking care of the very people who take care of you! What would you do without people like me, Phil? We work hard every single day, doing all of the menial, mundane, thankless tasks, which – if gone undone – would bring this operation to the ground. And you don't even give us a long enough lunch to go across the street for a bagel!
PHIL
We have a cafeteria he...
JOHN
(cuts him off, yelling) I don't care if there's some shitty cafeteria in this fucking building! I want options! I want freedom: I want to be able to choose to go to Joe's café for a coffee and a bagel on my lunch break, and not get fired for it. I want to be able to stop what I'm doing for five minutes, so I can take a piss, without having it docked from my pay.
JOHN stands up and BANGS his fist on the desk, angrily.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm sick and goddamn tired of spending every day dreading coming into work, because I know I'll spend it looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We would honestly get more work done, in a shorter amount of time, if we were provided a more relaxed work environment. But instead we're all just quaking in our little cubicles, waiting for your minions to waltz up to our desk and tell us to box up our stuff because we used a No. 2 pencil instead of blue or black ink on our latest efficiency progress report!
PHIL
(Very long pause) Well....
JOHN sits, somewhat awkwardly; anticlimactic.
PHIL (CONT'D)
... It's clear you're upset with the way things are run around here, and that you're intimately familiar with the needs and desires of our employees. It's also evident that you're not afraid to share your feelings and opinions on important matters with me. I'm creating a new position on my staff, "Employee Liaison/Advisor," and these capacities make you the perfect candidate. What do you say? Would you like to join my cabinet?
JOHN
(pause) May I have some time to decide?
PHIL
Absolutely
INT – CAFÉ – NIGHT
JOHN sits alone at a table next to a window, with a bagel and coffee, and his laptop open beside them. He is composing an email, addressed to PHIL, stating simply "I'm in".
JOHN
(to self) What are you doing? Can you even trust this guy? Well, I suppose he trusts you well enough.
He exhales deeply, just before CLICKING "Send". He closes the laptop, packing it in his bag, finishes eating the bagel, grabs the coffee, and walks out of the shop.
FADE OUT
2 Open Fire |
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spud
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2008 11 February :: 1.37pm
they say that sleeping over-abundantly is a sign of depression. but i disagree. i say it's just a sign that you're fucking tired and want to sleep.
then again, it could simply be that you just can't summon up the strength to rise and face the world in yet another pointless day, in which you scurry around doing pointless things until you're tired enough to fall asleep again.
...
naaaaa, you're just fucking tired, that's all there is to it.
4 Open Fire |
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rayray
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2008 10 February :: 6.00am
Its currently 6 am.
No one is online and i feel like talking.
I can't sleep because there is far too much on my mind.
I've done a lot of thinking lately about where my life is at right now, if i like it, and if im happy, and where i want it to continue to go.
And tonight just added more to my plate to think about.
Ugh! What to do what to do..
Oh, and i was watching vh1 today, it was 100 best one hit wonders.. and Los Del Rio or whoever sang the Macarena was number 1.. and they were showing clips of people doing the dance, and they showed Barack Obama on there, and of course Al Gore and Bill Clinton.
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jayzulla
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2008 7 February :: 6.38pm
So my mom is doing her crossword like normal. She asks me a question about one "Star Wars Letters" and she has an s and d in but cant get the last letter. Instantly i think of star destoryer and see if i can go from there. I say to her well theres a ship called a star destroyer but.... and my dads goes a shit called a star destroyer?! made me laugh pretty hard.
3 Open Fire |
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jayzulla
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2008 5 February :: 2.56pm
So Giants win, and Pats didnt. Makes me happy.
Oh and Broke Lesnar is stupid and doesnt know how to fight for shit and tapped out in like the first 2 minutes of his fight. Regardless someone will say he was rocking Frank Mir. Truth be told, Brock sucks. Watch the fight and look at his stance, and how he seems like hes not sure what he should be doing. Hes probley still getting used to actually hitting someone.
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rayray
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2008 27 January :: 8.46pm
I'm going to be an aunt!
2 Open Fire |
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2008 24 January :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: frustrated
i had a bunch of weird dreams last night. the one that sticks out to me in particular is the one where i was with emily, (i can't remember what we were doing) and i got a loose tooth. but we were running around, trying to get shit done, and all of a sudden i pulled it out. it didn't hurt, but it was absolutely MAMMOTH, and it left a bunch of chunks in my mouth, which i then had to spit out, which struck me as odd. but apparently nobody else found it bizarre that a 21 year old had just lost his tooth, and so the dream just kept right on cruising.
i ran into a bunch of problems with my film project yesterday. i'm kinda pissed, but i'll get over it. hopefully i finish in time.
and i resolved to call up on my W-2s and see where the hell they're at, like a responsible person, and the people all said that i wouldn't have them until the first week of february. fuckers. way to wait until the last possible second.
so then i was like, "well, i'll do as much of the fafsa as i can without my tax info," but noooo, the fafsa website had to go and crash on me too.
i swear to god. it's like a sign telling me that i'm supposed to give up. because every time i try, i get pushed aside or yelled at or in some way usurped, and i'm just fucking tired of it. i'm losing sleep, having weird dreams, freaking out on people that don't deserve it.
and now i can barely keep my eyes open.
5 Open Fire |
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2008 21 January :: 8.32pm
crazy ass shit
this is ridiculous. nothing is working out cleanly or adding up evenly.
which means the great sheep in the sky didn't like my emo entry about how i'm pissed at it. but i'm not pissed anymore. so it should be nice to me and make the stars align once again.
i'm sorry, oh aviary ovine! i didn't mean to upset you. may your wool grow long and thick! and may your first child be a masculine child! i suck at forcing things to work. which is why it's so much more pleasant for everyone involved when you make things line up properly, so i don't have to mash them together in my rudimentary way.
that would be super-duper.
p.s.
basically, all this means is that i had avoided making plans so we could go get the car tomorrow, but they never confirmed with me, so i had this empty day ahead of me, with a shit-ton of stuff to get done, and a couple of hours ago, bruce called me and said, "so, you busy tomorrow?"
and then this weekend, kristi was like "so you wanna go to president's ball?" and i was like "yeah, that'd be fun!' but it turns out that it's the weekend of winter camping.
so, i'm fucking retarded, and the world hates me. scheduling conflicts galore, and my laziness has placed me squarely behind the eight ball in so far as the amount of shit that needs to be accomplished within a certain time frame.
fuckin' a.
2 Open Fire |
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2008 21 January :: 3.13am
Im not sure if its because I found the movie Evan Almighty to be inspiring or what, but I feel beyond content right now.
Things are getting better everyday.
I have a great relationship.
Money is tight, but we are getting by somehow.
I still haven't found a job, but I am hoping that changes soon.
And, I don't hate the world.
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2008 20 January :: 5.34pm
:: Mood: sleepy
i think i might lay down for a bit.
addison might stop by later. it's been a fun weekend. too bad i didn't get any work done, and now all i want to do is sleep and watch movies. the side effects of michigan winter.
yepper.
2 Open Fire |
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jayzulla
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2008 19 January :: 8.08pm
:: Music: Wyclef - Sweetest girl
Yawn. Last night was something else. I love it when I black out.
1 Open Fire |
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2008 17 January :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: exhausted
Dear Whatever-you-are,
why the hell do you do this to me? what have i done to earn such torment?
is this all for my personal growth? one of those life-lessons where the pain is just part of the process - to progress?
well fuck that. it's like when you go weightlifting. you're supposed to be sore the next day. you rip your muscles, they repair, they get stronger. but if you overwork them, they rip too far, they have a much harder time repairing, and ultimately don't get any stronger. they just get miserable for awhile.
now, i'm not saying i'm miserable. and there's no REAL reason for me to hurt. and i'm not even sure hurt is an adequate term. but at the very least, it's difficult for me to cope with all of the different situations and expectations that i find myself in. and i get so sick and fucking tired of people thinking i'm awesome, me knowing i'm not, and then me disappointing them because i suck. and then i'm like "no, chris, the only reason you suck is because you tell yourself that. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, all you need to do is just say that you don't suck, believe all of these people, because they're obviously right, and just go out and do the best you can do." and after i give myself this little pep talk, not only to i fail, although maybe not quite as badly as before, but i get the added perk of having all the people who just got done telling me not to sell myself short, telling me how badly i just fucked up, and they never would have thought it possible.
i didn't fuck it up on purpose just to prove something to all the people who believed in me. i didn't try not to fuck it up just to prove something to the non-believers, with the exception of myself. so why can't i just be content to fuck things up, have everyone else be fine with that too, and make six figures doing it? i see no flaw in that plan whatsoever.
but all i can figure, after all of these mixed signals you've given me, is that you aren't my homeboy, you're not trying to help me grow as a person, you're just fucking with my program, because it's fun. it's like feeding peanut butter to a dog. they trust you. they have faith in you. then you do something wholly unpleasant to them, merely for your own amusement. you are a saucy minx who likes toying with my emotions, and i honestly don't know how much longer i can cope with that. not that i really have a choice in the matter. but i seriously question how long it will take for me to get so disenchanted that i just give up and lie there, because i'm all out of other ideas, and i'm too tired to think of anything new.
i'm just grumpy and unappreciative. i'm sure it's just a phase, it will pass, and you will be understanding again. but for right now, fuck you. because it's still mean as hell to let me do this to myself.
sincerely,
Chris
4 Open Fire |
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2008 12 January :: 8.34pm
Talking to Justy made me remember my dream from the other night..
My sister and i were in this cave type thing, and she was asking me why I hadn't found a job yet.. And I told her that there really wasn't anything around here.. and she was like "my friend amy saw you at the bank the other day, and she told me that if you had a makeover, that you might have a better chance of getting a job"
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2008 11 January :: 5.12pm
So my dreams have been out of wack lately, and so is my sleep schedule.
Tuesday night I had a dream that my parents were dating again, and my father proposed..
I had another strange one last night, but I don't remember it now.
2 Open Fire |
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spud
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2008 7 January :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: frustrated
this is absurd. the very first day of class and i'm already stumped. i'm very - not quite concerned, but - uncertain about how this semester's going to go. if this assignment is any indication, probably not well.
PSAs are unavoidably tacky. especially when they're about high school. i thought a PSA was a good beginner assignment. but making the topic high school dropouts is cruel and unusual punishment, especially when you're giving it to a roomful of college students who have obviously never dropped out of high school.
and then you give me 30 seconds to change a mind that i can't even begin to fathom? that is bullshit on a stick.
any bright ideas?
4 Open Fire |
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2008 7 January :: 5.14pm
:: Music: a day to be alone - one less reason
Its amazing how your surroundings impact your feelings.
Lately I have had more than enough time to think about things.
And I'm not sure if it's because I'm a very fickle indecisive person, or because I really truly do not know what I want out of life, but I haven't been able to come up with an answer for anything.
The more I think, the more clustered everything gets.
I'm almost positive what i want to go to college for, and career i want to pursue.
I feel that my boyfriend deserves more than what I am capable of giving him.
But I know that if that were true, he'd leave or been gone a long time ago.
Which makes me very grateful for every moment I've spent with him, every memory we've created, and anxious for moments and memories to come.
Is it possible to be so completely happy, yet feel so depressed at the same time?
Oh, and I suck at journal entries..
3 Open Fire |
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2008 3 January :: 12.34am
it's 12:34 ... make a wish.
i feel - unfulfilled? i'm not sure that's the right word. it's just that nagging feeling like there's something missing. something i forgot to do.
and i know there are things i forgot to do. which is okay, for the most part. i can accept that, drop them, and move on.
but obviously there are more that i have not yet realized, because after dropping them and moving on, the feeling remains.
i need to make this go away. it's not unbearable, so much as obnoxious and slightly depressing.
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spud
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2008 2 January :: 5.07pm
i love it when i have those moments where i feel like i'm on felix felicis and everything just falls into place.
then there are those other times where i try and try so hard to adapt and adjust correctly so that it will fall into place, but no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't fit.
i hate those other times. i'm always tempted to give up on them. but i never do, because i know there's always hope that suddenly felix will step back into the ring and make it all better. but he doesn't always do that. and then i'm left holding the bag.
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jayzulla
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2007 31 December :: 3.59am
La famila. I love that i have two legit families. All i gotta say is my niggas since day one.
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spud
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2007 31 December :: 12.40am
:: Mood: on the precipice
:: Music: jamie cullum / jamiroquai (libby's playlist)
i've never really made a new year's resolution before. i mean, i've had little things that i decided to do or not do, but nothing monumental. kind of similar to lent. i give shit up for lent sometimes, but it doesn't fucking matter. i don't take it too seriously. mainly because i think it's bullshit.
mom makes new year's resolutions every fucking year and never keeps them. which is far more huge than she realizes, because it exemplifies the much larger personal issues she has yet to overcome.
the point is, this time i'm actually resolving to do (and not do) a few things. however, the chronology is merely coincidental. i would be doing these things, regardless of the time of year. which is why i'm not starting the effort precisely on new year's day. but i am making the effort ... and soon.
additionally, i'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. to prove to myself that i don't have a problem. i mean, i know i don't, so in that sense i don't require proof, but that doesn't make the proving of it superfluous or unnecessary. i am essentially proving to myself that i can prove it, even though i know i don't need the proof itself, per se. how's that for circular logic?
and i'm going to use the reallocation of funds idea that hunter gave me this evening as a part of that effort. and it's going to be brilliant. the only flaw is going to be making sure that the fund is not liquid, so that i wind up spending it on other stuff, which is what always happens. the fund has an express purpose. it's not a slush fund, it's exactly what i said it is, a reallocation to a different end.
so, to recap:
:: i am making some resolutions, which should resonate in my mind, body, and pocketbook.
:: although it will be the new year, these are not new year's resolutions.
:: although they are outward acts, these resolutions are for nobody's benefit or harm other than my own, despite their potential external impact.
:: libby has a kickass playlist
that's it.
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