mudpiegrl
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2004 4 November :: 12.17pm
:: Mood: distracted
:: Music: dryer ::woosh,woosh, clank::
aw...i love the soothing sounds of the dryer...as sarcastic as that sounds, im being sincere. it used to annoy me and wake me up but now its calming.
i miss home sometimes.
the shows over now. its sad. i miss it, despite how incredibly hectic it was. yay set go up in a week....set come down in a day. i agree with patrice...this show was awesome especially backstage.
i hopped over the running crew, helped fill a rat with his intestines and other bloodiness, crushed on a guy for the first in a long time, havenized with costumes, took notes on the third day of the show, ate candy, ate blood, took in the show for one of my last at vhhs, enjoyed myself, super-stressed (which ultimately cleaned me) and over-all loved the show.
i should be writing my paper now but im really distracted. neil called and left a message with i miss you exactly a month ago (17 minutes since it became the fourth) and played "i miss you" on his guitar. i sent him a sweetest day card that said "if you ever forget that im stuck on you" on the outside and "then here's a reminder" with a magnet that says i love you on the inside. then he sent a card that arrived on our seventeenth month (1 nov) that said a bunch of stuff like "when i cant hug you, wehn i cant share with you, when i cant talk to you..." and beside every one he wrote "kiss you" and on the inside said simply "i miss you". the next day i got a potted miniture rose and they are so pretty and i can keep them alive. i sent him red cupcakes the same day in the shape of a heart with a letter. so right now neil and i are doing fine.
right now is fun because i sort of still have a tad of a crush on zak which is weird. it was more during the show when i saw him a lot because for some reason in the dark his long powerful cape and height and fangs and it was overwhelming. i liked it. i miss it too. (Note to self: add to list) neil needs fangs and a long black flowy cape but an attitude like i have soemthing to do im not trying to show off cuz he would try to show off instead of just be hot about it.
okie i should be done. i need to be cuz the more i think about it, the more i want the picture in my head.
i need to finish this paper.
g'night all
sweet dreams.
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Aaron
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2004 19 October :: 11.38pm
:: Mood: P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F
:: Music: Please, NIN
A prison for my mind
It's official now. she hates me. She fucking hates me. Isn't that just peachy? I'm stuck in this god damn prison of a school, I'm restrained by my parents in every way, and what does she do? She turns her back on me. lovely. fucking lovely tori. I really appreciate it. I appreciate the way you call me a stalker. I appreciate the way you ditch me every chance you get. I appreciate the hateful hurtful things you say. Because they all bring me a little closer to breaking that promise I made a year and nine days ago, to myself, to you, to the whole fucking world. a promise to love you for ever. anyway, what's it matter? Because I sure don't. not to you. not to me. not to anyone. good riddance.
In loving memory,
Paul.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 16 October :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
:: Music: the soothing sounds of the dryer
can i just give up?
Recently, everything's been frustrating to the point where i just want to give up. The easiest would be Chuck E. Cheese. It takes more time than i have and im not planning on going anywhere near food service when im older, hence the pointlessness.
I also want to submit to jen. i hate being swept around but she wont see my side (which is not to spend more time with me than mushroom) and i feel like ive lost her already, which, i guess is good. i t wont be as hard when she leaves for college and i get stuck at CLC.
Neil would be the hardest. It'd be easier to get over rather than a sort of withering away. It seems like hed rather just get on with his life there rather than worry about my critisisims and hesistations. he wouldnt have to hold himself back on anything for me. yet i love him so much. i actually feel like he cares for me as much as i do him, all the while feeling as if he cant wait to get rid of me. i suppose even a tree grows attached to moss that decays it.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 16 October :: 12.32am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: volume one on the tv
oh, how horrible this hallmark holiday!
Today i took mushroom and campy to get sweetest day gifts for their girls. Not only are the two incredibly innovative, they are just plain cute. watching them ponder everything from the simple, generic yet romantic gifts to ironing the creases out of original ideas that would make any girl feel special and still make her laugh.
Hopefully ryan isnt an idiot and remembers the day. patrice deserves so much. Oh damn it! i have chocolate on my shirt...grr!
today really wasnt that great of a day. again, i dont feel that well, but i got through the day. I just wanted to go home and lose myself in the sims and the new downloads from yesterday...and campy and mushroom wanted to do stuff...cuz they were bored. We decided to eat but my gas light went on so i wnet home for the card. not there...i called my dad so that he could meet me at the gas station (halfway between our current locations). got gas; forgot gas cap. went to jewel. no details. jen might read. no present yet. the basic back and forth for money was frustrating. jealously...holy jealousy.
am lucky to get neil to stay on the phone with me for twenty minutes, never mind spend four hours on a project just to make me smile. come to think of it, ive only recieved cards on holidays nad birthdays....stuffed animal on christmas and birthday...poster and book...also holidays. oh and fucking flowers for dances, which after twice i told him to stop: they just die. Why cant anything be just because. im not asking for three hundred dollar stuff here.i dont know. the most creative thing hes done was just recently. he recorded "i miss you" on my voicemail played by his guitar.
odd that someone who misses me would take his video games and football games over his girlfriend on the other end of the phone or in the hotel down the street.
so theres this part of me that says, "break up. whats the point?"
Pro: sweet wehn i actually see him
Con:It's rare. two weeks turned into a month, which will soon be more.
Pro: someone ive built a relationship with who i feel actually cares for me in return.
Con:i wonder if he cares as much as i think...or am i trying to convince myself. what proof do i have?
Pro: there is none to this.
Con:video games, friends, football games more important.
Pro: says "i miss you" and "i love you"
Con:has also said "i cant miss you"
Pro: i wonder, is he also trying to convince himself that its not that bad, distracting himself?
Con:why cant he just show me he cares!?
Pro: cried before he left.
Con:for family, friends? most likely not jsut me.
to breaking up:
Pro: it'd be a hell of a lot easier to deal with. i'd get over him quicker. otherwise he's slowly ripped away...like a bandaid...less painful the faster.
Con:oh my god it makes me cry to think about it.
so my conclusion=none.
i dont know im lost and i wish someone would help me.
but then i just sound like im complaining. and who's going to listen? jen is having too many issues with mushroom to care. patrice is going to be too stressed with dracula by time i get to her and i dont even know hwo to explain it. sandy's good but i always feel bad cuz i get the answer "i wouldnt really know". Q just depresses me when i try to ask him a question like that. jill sort of forgets i asked a question and continues talking/thinking about whatever preceeded the question.
oh i love being lonely.
im just going to go play sims now
after i walk the dogs
they're the coolest people.
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Aaron
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2004 13 October :: 4.09pm
:: Music: Parabol, Tool
Chain mail
I was reading this chain mail (they amuse me) and I got to the part where it said Reasons guys like girls, and I started to bawl. Hell, I'm still bawling! Okay, here it is.
WELL here's a few reasons why guys like girls...
1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. the ease in which they fit into our arms
5. the way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
8. because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
9. the way they look good no matter what they wear
10. the way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. the way her hand always finds yours
13. the way they smile
14. the way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. the way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you'
18. Actually ... ! ! ju! ! st the way they kiss you...
19. the way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt . (even though we don't admit it)!
23. the way they say "I miss you"
24. the way you miss them
25. the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound,you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 11 October :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: accomplished
i smell clean.
after a weekend of hell-like painting (or painting like hell),i can finally relax
oh and another good thing is that this is never read so i dont have to put it private.
and sweetest day is the sixteenth.
im gonna go buy neil a card.
i hope jen continued exercising while i was gone. i couldnt wake her up; i could hardly get up.
i miss neil...
good news: incubus is in november and i get to go down to see him!
bad news: that's over a month away. and he's not coming to see dracula. :(
my face itches...im gonna go find lotion and buy a card and hopefully get ahold of jen. i wrote her a letter and i want to know what she thinks. ill post it in here.
later
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mudpiegrl
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2004 11 October :: 12.09am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Disturbed- "Believe"
i might die if i see more gray.
there is too much gray in steel "ironworks" for ragtime.
i shall murder it.
i made this font gray but i wont look at it after i write it cuz i have to fix my resume.
no one told me that we were done and could go home so i was la de daing (cleaning brushes) and christine walks up. i guess ti was time to go. yea.
oh. goli pisses me off. she probably doesnt read this, no one does, but if she does then she can know.
i hate when people lie to you by saying that you are one of their good friends and that...and complain wehn you dont invite them to things even though you dont consider them "good friends". they are just those people who you say hi to in the halls, know a few things about, and could talk to for a few hours if need be.
i dont mind that she does that; whatever. but then, we get to allstate and now she just ignores me entirely. which, by itself, doesnt bother me at all. its the combination.
thats all now.
g'night...fixing resume now!
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Aaron
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2004 30 September :: 4.23pm
:: Mood: Euphoric
:: Music: Parabola, Tool
Waking the Dead
I'm reading waking the dead and he just said something that makes perfect sense. The heart is made perfect. It is the mind that is corrupt. logic, science, all of it is corrupt. The heart, that is the source of all that is good and pure in this world.
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. choosing to be here in...
This body. this body holding me. be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
Alive
This holy reality, in this holy experience. choosing to be here in...
This body. this body holding me. be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
Chance to be alive and breathing
Chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. remember. we are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 September :: 6.33pm
:: Mood: frustrated
i just told my mum how frustrating it is when she walks out when someone says something or plugs her ears or starts yelling back. she yelled but even you guys who dont live here know she doesnt really listen but she wants us to listen.
she started telling me to go do my homework. i cant believe she had the nerve to tell me to do that when everyday ive come home and said i cant talk i have to go do my homework. how can she say that when i come home and tell her how much i love school.
how can either of my parents tell me to clean my room or say its too messy when im doing more things than both of them put together.
i try to be so patient with them but i get yelled at for not being home for dinner.
on the other hand, i think im losing weight, but im sort of worried about it. i havent been sleeping adequetly enough nor have i been eating much...im always hungry and when i do eat, its not healthy. neil said i looked thinner and my pants are much loser than normal.
i really want to go run because ive been meaning to...but im too tired now although i still might...and in the morning i dont get up early enough. normally i dont have a moment at home. im awake here only about two and a half hours any way...and most of it is getting ready for school or work.
im really happy with how well my life has been going lately, contrary to how i was feeling the last month and a half or so. i hated myself and idndt want to do anything. now im fine but no matter how much i want to clean my room (its difficult to walk through), i dont have time or energy. i dont understand why my parents care so much, in fact, i figure they dont care. i think they have nothing else to complain about and so figure that its the only imperfection. im not sitting at home like mum, im not asking for significant amount of money to spend on nothing like tyler, im successful in what i want unlike my dad...and so i figure they dont know what else to say. im not around enough for them to pick apart my character and dont give them the opportunity to critique my life. all they know is that i am doing better than any of the rest of all my family did in high school, regardless of my lack of grades.
im feeling better now...this is a good destresser.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 22 September :: 12.54am
Your Dream: job interview squirrel goose geese car
Words like job: Work on fulfillment. Frustrated or satisfied with life.
Words like squirrel: To see squirrels in your dream foretell you will acquire a few new friends and there is happiness in the home.
Words like geese: They might bring an extensive journey surrounded by good fortune.
Words like car : Personal power. Ego.
i think thats good...
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Aaron
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2004 19 September :: 1.07pm
playing FFII...playing FFII...Went to the fair yesterday and got sick...it sucked. I was with ryan greg james and daniel. Ryan is a bad boy...or wants desperatly to be. Daniel is the sweety paint-baller chic. Greg is well...greg...that's all I have to say about that. And James...well, I won't even go there...BUT HE GETS SLAPPED....alot. Kinda wish juliya and eric and victoriya and some of them were there.especially april and jen. They're fricken cool. and they've seen "they" and "Ecuilibrium", which I so kindly descovered. (well, pat found they, but equilibrium is MINE!!!) thankyou madeline. God...I want to go back to school...this weekend has been damn boring.
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Aaron
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2004 14 September :: 2.02pm
:: Mood: like puking
:: Music: Disorder...Tool.
I'm sick today. I wanted to post a comment in her journal but what good would it do? No one talks to me anymore. even my newest friends think I'm a fuck....god this is hopeless. Madeline...I liked her better when she was COOL! now she's like a clone of mom. it sucks. it sucks so bad and so big it's gotta be...(drumrole)...A WALRUS COCK!!!
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mudpiegrl
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2004 13 September :: 1.12pm
:: Mood: crappy
i was going to put this under friends only...and then private...but i figure no one reads this anyway...not only that, but maybe everyone should read this.
a few days ago i meant to post a letter i wrote to everyone. i just forgot to bring my notebook with me. it apologized because im taking opportunities from my friends and people around me that deserve them more than i do. and so for that i apologize. i dont feel as bad any more because those opportunites are coming around to them.
last night i upset neil, again. as well as sandy. and for that im sorry too.
just dont listen to me.
i dont think ill visit neil this weekend. i promised i wouldnt call him all this week. he watns to miss me.
you probably shouldnt talk to me this week either...because i can almost guarentee i wont be in a good mood.
so im sorry for all of that and whatever else i should be.
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Aaron
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2004 12 September :: 11.33am
:: Mood: torn apart
:: Music: Otherworld FFX
Julia
God I wish she just talk to me... I gave her my phone number...she says she's grounded from the phone...Why don't I believe that? Oh, I forgot, I don't trust people any more...that would do it, wouldn't it?
Why does she think I'm such a goody-goody. She's not. why should I be? Hell, she has fun there...I would rather be elsewhere...like L.C....or would I? There potential for love and serenity there... Why would I be anywhere else?
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Aaron
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2004 12 September :: 11.25am
:: Mood: angered
Tori
She never calls me. never. not once. and she complains that I'm not in her life. Hell, she never responds to my journal... I'M SORRY!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO!!!
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