random thoughts
- it's good to have things back to normal again.

- i need to go mother's day shopping today !!

- i'm not slacking off these days.

- i love orlando bloom

- im really really really scared of the finals.

- today is MAY 8th! time flies.

- bullshiters and twofaceders suck

- i love chocolate and a lot of other yummy FOOD. anything fattening'll do

- looking at pictures makes me smile. especially old ones

- hot / nice personality / confident / good manner GUYS are irresistable ;)

- i want summer vacation. like NOW.

- hearing about SATs and how hard people study freaks me out

- anyways .. happy moods are so awesome. nothing better than that :D

- i'm hungry as fuck

- i'm scared about what's gonna happen to nana .. i hope everything goes alright

- BIG groups suck

- I love just enjoying a nice time with a few friends, it makes you feel so NICE

- nodbody's perfect .. but YOU are the closest thing there is to perfect

- the weather is... gorgeous. at leats from what I see through my window.

- i like getting up early.

-and you're prolly bored... of my random rantings. good morning to all you sunshines of the world.

one wish
this week has been so unbelievably long that I can barely believe it. Each moment was so terrible, I just couldn't believe it. I don't know why such a horrible week was dropped ontop of me. I try my hardest to make everyone happy, to be able to see a smile on everyone's face. But then I realize, it's immpossible to keep everyone happy... and that some people are happy at your own saddness.

I, in my naivity, truly believed that everyone was good at heart. That no one truly wanted something bad to turn out for another person. But i soon came to realize no one is what they seem to be.

I have tried so hard all my life to live on the hapiness of others, and to look after others. But that never really did work. but it gets you thinking... who is real? who is fake? who is out to get you? who is supporting you?

...how do you know whether the next move you make will alter your whole life?

all you can do is take a chance and just wing it.. because then you'll never really get to see the way things could've been. Just how they are.

I hope I'll be out of my glasses by monday cuz i feel so alien in them. I don't feel like myself. I feel as if I'm just standing there watching everyone move around me. evryone take the chance of their life...while I sit there.

But in a way my glasses are my refuge, it enforces the dorkdom in me while my eye is hurting like fuck.

You just can't help fighting
Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause.

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go.
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy, but nobody cares.

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause.

I'm tired of fightin'
I'm tired of fightin'
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
There's no one laughing at your back now
No one standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for?

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause.
-Beck;Lost Cause

sometimes you feel as if you're fighting for nothingness. What exactly are you fighting for? Are you fighting for that person who doesn't care. Fighting for that person who stabs you in the back. Fighting for that person who just won't leave you alone.

fighting for that person who doesn't even care. Don't be nice, it hurts too much.

life is harsh. people are harsh. But sometimes all you can do is deal.
u know what i just realized. Life is so friggen strange. It consists of so much of the unexpected and the unrealizable.

Take one person, any one person and you never know this one person one day might end up being an inseperable best friend. Or that person might end up being the person you hate. But they are still that person and that's the thing. People only become enemies and friends due to circumstances and such forth. I mean, It's like one day you can't stand a person and the next you can't live iwthout them. That's why life is so strange and unique. Seriously, it shocks me, how a person's views can be so crazy.

Well, basically I was talking to a few people and I found it so weird, cuz these two people I was talking too were two best friends. And you could tell they were really close. But then as they were talking they said that they had gone to highschool and everything together yet they never once hung out or even had a reasonable conversation. They just had different friends, different groups and different circumstance, and now they're in college and they're best friends.
And, that's why it's so weird, you always have memories of times but the thing is they don't last forever... things happen, views change, the people are the same yet altered but everything's different.
That's why the crazy thing is, friends aren't friends forever. They break your heart, they kill you, they rot your insides... but they still managed to be that person there for you in the past and they WERE you memories. Those memeories that make you laugh forever and ever. Those memories that you could never let go off.
But then you realize, you truly are letting go. Because the person who you shared those memories with let them go. And you couldn't just tag along. They took and shattered everything, they left you alone.

Why are people so harsh? Why do people do things like this?
...because they think for the moment that you're not better, theres something so much better. And suddenly, you're the leftovers and tossed int othe trash. You're that thing that remains helpless... till something comes along that can make you laugh again.

who am i? that good girl.
yah, so instead of going to the mont i got yelled at TREMENDOUSLY by my mommy cuz her stupid cousin was coming over and you know how stupid indian parents are like. No, you can't come home late cuz it'll look bad that our daughter is coming home late. that sucks so much ass. sometimes, yes only sometimes, having an indian family SUCKS. no joke.

oh great and the cousin knocks on our door and they all are making a rukus downstairs. i don't get the point of me being home. what difference does it make me being home or not? please, everyone know i don't matter.

but it's fine i understand where my mommy's coming from. I really wanna go to the beach tomorow, i hope or do something fun. But to go to the beach i need to be in shape... and that's deffientely not me.

and major FUCKERS, theres a track meet tomorow, which so fuckkkking much it's not even funny. i wish there wasn't.

I was watching things at the "remix" today and i saw how profusely and how blatantly people can use other people. and how those some people that are being used can be so dumb and stupid not to realize it! I mean, even though this kid pisses me off, I can't believe (s)he was letting the other person do that to him/her. poor child.

but enough of my feeling bad for this person. time for my own rants =). hahah i love bullshitiin about stupid things just to myself even though i know they don't matter to me much.

I LOVE being single. i swear the freedom is tremndous, u can run after any guy, drool over any guy and flirt flirt flirt and never stop. It's deffinetely great. You have to love it.

haha and the song "my neck my back" just came on
my neck... my back
*** my **** and my ***
(repeat several times))
first u gotta put ur neccck into
then u gotta roll your **** all the way from ur ** to ur ***

haha i'll stop now.

lick it now, lick it good, lick this *** just liek u should

haha.

i should go downstairs now, or they'll start thinking I'm a "BAD indian girl".
i'm evil.
i'm bad.

but i love life.
and i'm that good girl that sits at home writing a woohu entry at 1017pm on a friday night.

when you leats expect it... the pain hits
everyone is different. people change in different ways and people mature in different ways. It's just the way of life, I mean you can't really stop it.
I mean, I just look around at how I see everyone just miss sees everything and it all is so foggy to them. I mean it's foggy to me too, I'm not saying I have everything figured ouy either. I'm just realizing as I grow like everyone else. In the end, everyone has their own thoughts and feelings, but in the essence it's all the same. They're standing up for what they were brought up thinking.

What's knowledgeable to one person may be the stupidest thing on this earth to someone else. But it's what that sole person thinks is what matters. Half what you do may or may not effect your life later on, but what it does effect is ur heart, your mind and your own self. And that's what truly matters. You have to think for yourself and feel for yourself, otherwise there's nothing.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, none like ever before, and it's so strange seeing everything from different prespectives. I just see so much stuff and it amazes me how these people live. A lot of us are luckier than we think.

I mean, one persons misery could be what anothe person is dreaming and desiring for having that kind of life. I don't get why people complain so much, I mean, i understand their sad and miserable and so forth. But be ready to give your life away cuz of a little beng alone or being sad? I mean, there is so much worse sadness, just cuz ur thinking "oh no... someone doesnt understand my feelings.." doesnt mean you shoudl just run away from life without realizing how much your leaving. I mean, how much of a miser a person is they always have tons of people loving them. Anyone who fails to realize that is missing out on life itself and ruinging their own life.

What makes an even worse person i find, is someone who finds saddness in seeing someone else happy. OK, maybe ur not as good off as that one person, but that doesnt mean u have to go aroudn treating that person like shit because you see them smile once, or be happy once or enjoy life once. I hate it when people do that.

life doesnt end at just a tiny bit of saddness. seriously, i don't think suicide is ever acceptable except for when you feel thats the only way and if you don't comit suicide your gonna die anyways in a few days from an even more painful death. But you see, suicide is just cowardness and running away from the first sight of seeing a little misery and pain. Life is misery and pain, along with hapiness if you can;t survive through the misery and pain then you'll never see the hapiness.

And, believe it or not everyone has feelings. no one is that heartness bitch.

the greatest thing is to have fun in life and enjoy it along wit hsurviving through the pain in the end without hurting anyone else.

I mean the only reason God give you pain is because he's showing how others feel when you give them that pain. He's helpign you mature and showing you that Pain hurts. Being mean hurts. Backstabbing hurts. Ignoring hurts. Treating people like shit hurts. And using people hurts. Don't think what you do won't get back at you. It will in some way or the other. It skeaks up on you when you leats expect it.... and then u learn.

hangover from too much relaxation and suffocation
i'm just sitting around tired as hell wishing something exciting would pass, something that will take my breath, somethign that will excite me, some thing that will just be DIFFERENT.
i find myself wishing to get away from the everyday process of just wasting my life away. i'm just like that, i have to have ADVENTURE, i have to have EXCITEMENT. without those to benifactory factors I am nothing.

Iwant to do something CRAZY and just forget all responsiblities, just be casually stripped of them all.

I WANT TO FLY.

seriously. i just want to do something like never before and just be what i've never been. and just do that crazy thing and not worry "oh no my mom'll fret she'll be mad, my friends will think i'm crazy and disown me, this is against the rules, this is against the law, this is BAD"
what's bad?
what's good?
shouldn't whats bad and whats good be defined on what makes the whole happy?
but thats dissapeared. and it dissaperad long ago.

but i wish i could get to see something different, to feel something different. i mean, it's not like i'm ungratefull for what i have and the love i have, i just wannasee something different. being carefree, it's a sin, but it's the best sin you'll ever find and undefinable and crazy sin that you always just got to love.

I WANNA BE CAREFREE!

life scares me. One second you're like "i have to stay inside.. I can't be a bad girl" and the next you're going crazy.

i think tomorow I'm going to make that dream i had back when I was five come true.
When I was five I had this dream that I snuck out of the hosue and stole into the car and drove and drove and drove. And I didn't stop driving until i crashed into this pole and this handsome police officer came and picked me up into his arms and we flew away into the sky and landed on this gorgeous island where we spent the rest of our life and now i'm sounds like a retard

But anyways, what i meant was that i want to make everything in that dream come true except for the craching into the pole and the handsome police officer and the flying away and the beautifull island and all of that highly unlikely pretty retarted stuff.

But it's slowly striking 12'o clock and though i should sleep and though I'm not sure what else I can do. I mean I could do the rebellion of the 10 year old and STAY UP TILL ONE. but i'm tired of that. i'm not that 10 year old, i'm not that girl, i'm that retarted stupid tina who's inexcusbly retarted and though she may be 15 she still acts the young age of 5 and she LOVES IT.

i think the only reason i would want to be older would be to drive. i just want to drive and i relate that to flying because it's ESCAPE, it's INDEPENDENCE, it's FREEDOM. and it's what i want.

i WANT TO FLY SING DANCE RUNNNNNN IN THE FREE AIR.

back from georgia
georgia was great. i loved it.
it was so nice. so different. so refreshing.
i'll give an outline of the highlights of my time there.

.1. i pigged out like never before. each day consisted of nonstop munching on food food food and more food. it was great, i was so careless and just ate like hell. i prolly gained 20 pounds but who cares. it was grrrrrreat.

.2. i went to this kiddy celebration of easter! it was sooooooooo sweet watching all the two year olds run around. especially my gorgeously adorable cousin. seriously, i think every house is incomplete unless it has an adorable two year old running around it. seriously, i want a two year old!

.3. got to meet up with some old friends. it was fun, everyone's fun to hang out with i miss them alredy but we'll keep in contact, i'm going there again in may so it's all good.

.4. going to the mall and shopping with my aunt. it was fun i love hanging out with her, she's so nice and sweet and fun to hang out with. and i loved hearing her storied of how she fell in love with my uncle and so forth. seriously, if you see them they're still just as much in love. it's so sweet.

and thats all i'll get into for now. i gotta go unpack.

that boy
i was thinking. and i remembered this one moment from so long ago when i used to live in manhattan. i don't have many memories from back then but this one just seemed to stick out.

so, i went to the park with my mom and dad and it was a beautiful day. it was just another day of playing in the playground. But there was this strange different feeling to it. it thats when i met this stange kid. he was playing inthe park to, and from what i remember (which is not that much) he was pretty cute too? but when that happend that's not really what i was thinking about. i was in kindergarten for gods sake. but anyways, instead of measuring him on his "cutest" i did what every other 5 year old girl in the world would do; i measured him on whether he was fun to play with on the playground and whetehr he knew how to play the basic games (lava land, wrrrooom slide, and so forth). he knew how to play them, so he was my new friend. we played in the playground for an hour, maybe two.

and that was that. i dunno why i remember that moment so clearly, but it just stands out. it's like this bright shinning insignificant moment of my life that i actually remember. it has no signinficance whatsoever, and i never saw that boy again, i don't even remember his name. i just remember that time at the park.

a ton of things
"I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "You're next" "You're next". Well they stopped doin that crap when I started to do it to them at funerals"

haha..i saw that on someone's away message and made it mine; isn't it hysterical. But, i must agree it is so fucking annoying how these older woman find joy in saying "oh... ur weddings coming... ur marry a handsome ladka" and i think...wow, wouldn't it suck for them if i never got married, or if (GASP EVEN WORSE) i was gay.
haha that would be terrible. that's like an unspoken thing in all of the indian society, it's sorta sad.

What annoys me a lot too is how these older generations complain "Look at how these white folk treat us... with disgust." but in a weird sorta way they bring it upon themselves cuz they are the ones who stay in that close-knit soceity.

we indians can be so ignorant of other things and then they claim "oh...look at so and so... look at how f*ck*ng ignorant they are of us...they don't repect our culture at all!" they claim everything on racial profiling. It gets so much on my nerves at times, it's like GET A REALITY CHECK. i mean i understand how it is, but sometimes it's just overplayed.


right now... i cannot believe my parents might not be letting me go to Georgia for the summer. i'm praying and i'm praying and i'll just see what's to happen.if i don't get to go for spring break i'll just have to wait for summer...

damn i just cannot wait, i'm so excited and so terribly ecstatic it's not even funny. i'll be so fucking dissapointed if the summer doesn't go as well as i want it to. i'm praying like shit.

tuesday is the last day of me not having meet! i'm so happy. lol. i;ve just been suffering watching everyone pig out... and me...and me... pigging out on veggies! fun fun. but to look on the bright side, today i got to go to A&P and get a ton of junk food. this week is gonan be straight pigging out. it's gonna be fun shit.

learn to love yourself
so i was in my mom's room facing the mirror and watching the reflection of the tv and my own face as i am straightening my hair. i gradually straighten my hair trying to burn it as much as possible so i can get it perfect. I destroy my hair, but I know in the end it'll look just perfect.
The TV is flashing and i see Will&Grace is coming. it really is a great show. The story is good and i find myself getting at least a million laughs watching it. I love Will... too bad he's gay. And then i hear..

"first you have to learn to love yourself and then love will come to you"- gay police man guy who was going out with Will in Will&Grace

and i think... wow, that's me. that's what i've been trying to get into words for, forever. and now here it is. i was shocked and it felt so good knowing that someone understood me, even though it was a gay policeman who alredy had a guy. It just defined what i had to say so well.
You just have to have comfort withen yourself and be stable with yourself and then a million guys wil lcome to you, running. and it's true. i've experianced it.
I always had felt incomplete and crying/moaning "bahh i need a guy" but then i realized.. i dont need one, i'm fine the way i am, there is no need to put your own life down for wanting one. If you have one well and good, but why complain, why cry, why moan. sure, you can say "DAMN HE'S FINE" but don't go around saying... "i dont have a guy... im useless."
i see so many perfectly gorgeous, intelligent greta girls and they're complaing all night saying they need a guy. I mean please, guys aren't life. if a guy comes well and good, if he doesn't then wait, don't bawl.

life is great just live it happily. don't bullshit and complain over stupid stuff.

sometimes i wish i could fly
Sometime I feel that the only solution to everything is to spread my arms (or wings, whatever they would be classified as) and just soar away into something that could let me live without all the concerns that weight me down.
There is so much holding me down, that sometimes I could just let go of that weight, and be myself. Live my life my way, and only my way. I know that's terribly selfish of me, and I know I have a million responsiblities staying back here. And thats the only reason that I keep on standing here. Because I know, I have to stay, and whether it be my choice or someone elses, I can't be a selfish bitch and leave this place.
I keep on standing; I keep on breathing; i keep on living. and everything that keeps me like this are the people surrounding me. My family, My friends, My enemies: they all support me and keep me standing.
That's why life is so amazing, so strange, and so unique. It's so beautiful.

tired of it all
I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. And this one person won’t stop and just leave me alone. I mean, I try to be a good friend I try to hold it out, but they just don’t show any appreciation for me. And that’s what hurts most. I mean all they do is continuously take me for granted and use me, and I hate it like shit. And what annoys me even more is they never even take a look at how I’m feeling or even acknowledge the fact that I may even have feelings too. That’s what hurts the most. Then, what makes it even harder for me to live with this is the fact that they don’t even bother to take a look at what other people around them are going through, it’s like their problems are the only problems in the world, and that’s that. Why even bother to care about anyone else?
Yeah, sure, they can be bitchy to whomever they want, and then they expect to pass by all safely and thoroughly, and that’s what pisses me off the most. They just goes on and on acting like a queen and expecting people to bow down at their fucking feet. I mean like, what the hell of god is up with that. All they seem to be good at being is a fucking bitch. And then they don’t even show appreciation for what they get. It’s like they think that “OH IM THE WORST OFF, I have nothing, I don’t have any friends” sob sob. I mean like what the fuck is up with that, they don’t even care for the feelings of the people around them, and all they do is care for themselves, they think “oh I’m the worst off” but what about everyfuckingone else? I mean it would be all right if they showed even the LEAST bit of concern for others, but do they even do that? No. And then they claim they don’t have any fucking friends but then what am I, standing right next to her? Her little study buddy? They don’t even consider me their fucking friend? Well, thanks, that makes me feel all so great. And what seems to piss me off a lot too is the fact that they repeatedly try to make friends out of fucking pity, I mean; they don’t do it on purpose but it’s blatantly obvious. For example they don’t let anyone know they’re “having fun” because that’ll ruin their whole image of the “poor little person who has no happiness who’s stuck in edgemont” OH PLEASE. If someone is stuck like that, they bring it upon themselves. And I’m tired of hearing this shit. I’m tired of it.

spring
The blossoming and the coming of spring is such a nice time, it's just a coming of newfound times and dreams and that's what I love most about it. It's the time to push everything that you've been dreading, crying over, getting heartaches and headaches over and just a time to push all of it behind you. Just forget about all the things you could've, would've and should've done and just think about what is to come, and enjoy that to the fullest. Why mourn over the past things? yeah, you learned from it, but leave it at that, learn from it but dont lag and moan over it. What good do you get from just mourning over something.
This time of spring brings a bumdle of emotions all tossed up in one, and it's great. All mixed together and with everyone's open, joyous faces. I absolutely love it. And, it give me this constant self satisfaction withen myself seeing everyone happy, and me myself being in that great mood. The weather is so unique and great whether it be sunny as hell or it be raining, you can't help but feel that spring feeling. It's like all these emotions bundled up in one, like say tossed in a blender all jumbled up and it's great. I find myself just being able to sit on the bench in my backyard and take in all the surroundings and everything and be able to sit there and enjoy it to the fullest. whether the sun be shinning or the rain be pouring. It's been so long since I've been able to experiance such niceness.
It is a time of new comings for everyone, and everyone sees it as a big woosh in their face, what matters most though, is how people treat it... what I find so unique is the way people seem to reactto things, it's so different and great to watch. It's as you see everyone go through these new experiances you see how much it takes over a person and their life. I can see my own life being swallowed up in this overwhelment. The overwhelment of the spring.

bombarded with work
work work work
Thats all they know of what to give you, and they didn't waste any time. I just wish these stupid school maniacs could just holdup for a second and stop loading us with work. I mean, if you think of it, how much of this will actually HELP you in your later life. Just think, when in the hell of god will we need to know linear equations EVER AGAIN.
this is absolutely pathetic.
and i find myself drowning in this major patheticness. Help me. before i drown further

an absolutely gorgeous day
Wow. It's actually NICE outside. this is amazing. its beautiful. I've been bitching (to myself in my head) the past couple days about how shitty the weather is. then bam --the weather was beautiful.
so anyway, while freezing my ass off yesterday, i was thinking, how come, no matter how freakin freezing it gets, theres always this random person in a tshirt (and sometimes shorts)? I mean come on now. its minus 10 degrees why are you wearing orange shorts?!

so now, currently i am sitting home on a saturday night writing in my woohu and talking on the phone with samantha jayawickrama. the highlight of my day probably was going to watch a kickass movie called havana nights, dirty dancing, i really enjoyed it...i havent seen a good movie in some time now.