I hate crying so much.
I hate this feeling of remorse, this feeling like there's no other choice but to let that saline drip out of your eyes.
And I try to hold it back as much as I can.
Oh I really do try.

Why do I let these stupid things get to me?
Why do I cry for no reason sometimes?
Why do I feel as if I'm not good enough for- myself?
and why does everything come back to that guilt I feel?

Motionless is every part of my body, all except for these fingers puppet to my body writing these words- of absolutely no value to anyone but myself.

Why do I continuously let everyone- including myself- down?
I never allow myself perform to my full potential.

How stupid am I, I bring everything upon myself and then I cry about it. Everything is the way it is because of me, it really is my fault if I think about it. Yes, I still provide a million excuses for reasons it could not be my fault. I tell myself I won't do this anymore- I won't allow myself to fall, but each time I fall even harder. Do we ever learn our lessons for the things we do wrong?

Life is so beautiful... to me.

I'm so excited for ICP!

And I had no idea that you had to know stuff to drive! I mean some of this stuff is so retarted, for example the hand signal to make a friggen turn? DO I care? It's all so confusing, maybe I won't take my permit test tomorow- and deal with that humiliation, nu-uh.

Confrontations are the hardest things on earth, will I be able to live with one? Will I be able to deal with it.
Confrontation- a scary word.
But I don't care what happens now- what happens so happens.
Everything happens for a reason.
..right?

One other thing: Thank you to all the amazing people I have in my life, thank you to the people who really do care about me. And Thank you for, well, being true friends. I will always remember you guys!

And I'm leaving on the note that, which Dorina's dad so beautifully expressed in this conversation:
Big Poster says: NO HYPOCRITES ALLOWED
Dorina's aunt cries seeing it
Dorina's dad says: That wasn't specified towards you or anyone, but if you see that and it effects you then maybe that means you are that."

..or something like that

"..we don't belong"
Does anyone ever belong?
Is it possible to find a place where no matter what you just belong there?

I thought I found that place so many times in life- but each time it turned out to be a misunderstanding because those times which I thought I belonged will probably never exist again no matter what I do. Times pass by and what you had a grasp on before slowly slips out of your fingers and it becomes another "oh remember when.." time. It's all in the past, another thing to be written somewhere for a memory to be remembered.

What happens when all the time you tresured so much and were the MAJOR parts of your life are forotten?
All those laughs, smiles, tears and frowns forgotten- all that emotion for practically nothing.
It will be forgotten one day... so why bother?

----

I'm so excited! My birthday's sooo close. I'm so content with myself at this moment in life. It's like I'm happy with everything I have and really couldn't as for anything more. I'm relaxed and happy- and I love it. I love the way my birthday is, I'm so glad I'm not doing anything big, just a few close friends for the first day and then a few close family friends for the next day. And everyone can come! I'm so excited!

I just got new curtains and bed sheets for my room and I'm so happy. I also ordered posters for my room to replace the ugly ones I have currently. I love the new look for my room! It makes me feel so content and happy on the inside and now for some weird reason I'm actually keeping my room clean and I... gasp... made my bed this morning. I just love being in here with the sun shining in my room and the color. All I need is the posters I ordered and new lamp shades and I'm done. I really want that Ravi Shankar poster!! Ahhhh! I swear, I'll probabaly be the happiest person in the world if I get that poster.

There's the Xylem.. and there's the Phloem... and wow I'm actually studying for bio I don't know where this sudden preserverance to study came from. Normally I can't concentrate for more than 5 minutes and yesterday I got all the fucking chapters done in one day! I'm so proud of myself- my studying skills are slowly improving and now I'm getting back into gear and getting mypreserverance slowly back. I'm amazed.

SIX MORE FUCKING DAYS!!!

go the whole fucking 10 yards!
I can't do it. No matter how hard I try I never complete what I start... ever. Call me a coward, call me a fucking pussy, call me anything but all I am is a goddamned quitter. I don't have a talent, I don't have the preserverance and I don't have the commitment. Some people in life are fighters. I'd like to think that I have the passion of a fighter, and I believe I do. But I definitely don't have the strength of one. Everytime I start something by the end of my start I have given up and I just don't continue it. In the beginning of the year I told myself "I'm going to do so well in school this year!" as I do every year, and yah I started off great I had my willpower all perfectly maneuvered and then now, I am sitting here and I can't stare at a school book for more than 2 minutes without just getting impatient and wanting to do SOMETHING ELSE. And I hate this, because I lack every sort of perserverence.

I always fucking give up and just get goddamn sidetracked.
And I hate it.
I need a drive to do something I like, I love, I enjoy doing.

I can't even sit here and complete this whole english essay, I can't complete cleaning my room-even the fucking little stuff. I set so many goals for myself with the passion of a cupid struck lover but I let those goals fade away, just like that. Even with relationships, it never lasts, it never does.

I miss being needed. I miss being called all the time to do something or the other- I miss being the one everyone wanted to hang out with, everyone wanted to be with. All I am now is just another person lying in the dust. I'm just another fucking person. I'm no longer the one who everyone wants to be with i have been so easily replaced. So fucking easily replaced. I hate it.

Why can't I just stick to one thing? Why can't I pursue what I began to pursue. If I am able to set a goal for myself and suceed with that goal I will fucking be so proud of myself. SO proud of myself.

Greatness and Grandness
Why are there so many nice people in this world?
Why are there so many mean people in this world?
Why are there so many secluding people in this world?
Why are there so many open people in this world?

Why are some smarter than others?
Why are some more talented than others?

And.. Where did our standards of beauty emerge from?
who came up with these bullshit standings of who's beautiful and who's not?
Why is "fat" unattractive yet "bony" attractive.


Why do so many people strive to be perfect?

it's in times like these you think: WHY THE FUCK AM I SO STUPID??

If I were...
if i were a month, i'd be: March
if i were a day of the week i'd be: Saturday
if i were a time of day, i'd be: late night
if i were a planet, i'd be: Mars
if i were an animal, i'd be: a chocolate lab
if i were a direction, i'd be: north-east
if i were a piece of furniture, i'd be: a drawer piled with pictures and piles and piles of memories
if i were a historical figure, i'd be: Robert Frost
if i were a liquid, i'd be: That Delicious Tea my mom makes
if i were a tree, i'd be: Maple Tree
if i were a bird, i'd be: Parrot
if i were a tool, i'd be: Hammer (( can't touch this))
if i were a flower/plant, i'd be: those flowers that grow on the tree outside my house
if i were a kind of weather, i'd be: the spring.. plants blossomming, snow melting.. sun coming out of ions of being hid away.
if i were a mythical creature, i'd be: a Phoenix
if i were a musical instrument, i'd be: a french horn
if i were a color, i'd be: burgandy
if i were an emotion, i'd be: wanderlust
if i were a vegetable, i'd be: broccoli
if i were a sound, i'd be: two drumsticks hitting eachother
if i were an element, i'd be: Hydrogen
if i were a car, i'd be: a range rover...hunter green
if i were a song, i'd be: "time is running out"-muse and "skies so blue"- the rocket summer
if i were a movie, i'd be: Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge
if i were a place, i'd be: my room in the dead of night
if i were a play, i'd be: Fiddler on the roof (yes, I know it's a musical...)
if i were a show, i'd be: Will&Grace
if i were a material, i'd be: Courdoroy
if i were a taste, i'd be: Vanilla
if i were a scent, i'd be: the scent once you've left new jersey
if i were a word, i'd be: supercalafrjalisticexpialadotious
if i were an object, i'd be: a empty journal waiting to be written in
if i were a body part, i'd be: shoulders
if i were a subject in school, i'd be: english
if i were a shape, i'd be: that squiggly shape that never really got a name
if i were a number, i'd be: 13
if i were an article of clothing, i'd be: my sweatshirt i wear to sleep everynight in this freezing cold

That miserable feeling of... hapiness?
One thing that confuses me is sadness.

Why does everyone run away from this emotion so much? And, furthermore, why is it so immensely looked down upon?

We have a tendency to treat sadness as a terrible emotion. Sadness is something to run away from. Sadness is something to be ashamed of. Sadness is something to try and immediately get over at all costs.

What if we reacted the same way to happiness as we do to sadness? “I’ve just been so happy these days, how am I going to over this feeling of joy?”
Without sadness, there is no happiness. Yah, I get sad and though it can get bad there is not reason to go and commit suicide or run to some drug or any other quick fix. You just have to let yourself feel the full extent of the pain before you try to move on. And when you really are ready to move on it will present itself, on it's own without a declaration from your part.

.."this too shall pass."

Things will change..they will won't they?
I have a feeling.. a feeling that things might change tomorow. Have you ever gotten that feeling? A tingling in the stomach.. that things will change.

This is it. This was the day I first stepped into bitterness a year ago, that is so scary. I closed myself to the world of trust, and the world of well, love. And I thought I knew everything there was to know that and I pretended to normal- I pretended to be fucking strong. Because I was scared- scared shitless to be vulnerable. I didn't want to let anyone know that I was affected and I didn't want anyone to know that I was that weak to let such a thing happen to me and not even question it. And from that day forward I stepped into the world of bittnerness.

Oh, how hard it was for me to trust and open my heart after this. How hard... No wonder I haven't been in a relationship since then- I closed my heart and decided that's it no more emotional things for me. For a year I have felt that I have been content and that I have been strong. But really, I haven't made myself any stronger by doing this... I have just made myself weaker and seemingly strong on the outside. Why did I do this to myself? Why why why?I just didn't want to let anyone know that I was weak. When we broke up I wasn't sad about the break up- at all. Because I didn't love him. I was sad about how pathetic I had been. Of how WEAK I had been and all this for a fucking boy? What was wrong with me? I mean.. really. I even let him break up with me without a single legitamate reason, and come to think of it I was a GAZZILION time better than he will ever be. But I closed myself- and I refused anyone to get close to me, because I was afraid of some one breaking my fullfleged trust and yet again me feeling utterly miserable for doing such a thing. It was hard during the year- trust me. I didn't place a shed of trust in anyone and when I did it was under so much paranoia because I was afraid of such a thing happening again to me. Why do I always let stuff like this happen to be.And then after this day- I decided I will not be the advantagee- I will be the one who takes advantage. I shed all signs of weakness of myself and set up an aura of the "STRONG" tina.

Now, I look back and see yet again- wow how pathetic I have been.
Why did I let myself get pulled into the crazy realm of..life?




I can't believe I just admitted this.

ARRGHH!
WHAT AM I DOING UP SO EARLY/LATE...WHATEVER U CLASSIFY IT AS.

I just made the best cd EVER MADE in human kind, and downloaded some nice songs too.
To the left of me are papers and food strewn about in every "which" direction- I have about 5 peeled clementines, 4 granolla wrappers, 1 finished glass of water, 1 half full glass and 1 finished glass of diet pepsi. There are random sharpies, a nailcutter, nailpolish remover and many nailpolishes to choose from...hmmmm. My math book which I tried to cover stares me back in the face ontop of a gazzilion bio papers and world history book, this random blue fucking gigantic binder, and random used metro card and millions of pens with prescription drug being advertised on them.

And my cell phone stares me in the face.
Normally, I would call every single person in my phone book and wake them up, but tonight I am in a nice mood.. and I'll spare the lot of you.

Well, I have two options, to sleep or to study...OK I'm going to make a pro and con list.

Why I should Study:
-my mom will kill me if I don't
-I need good grade on this..and well everything else
-I enjoy depriving myself of sleep
-I won't have to study tomorow
-umm...

Why I should sleep:
-I might get big fat black bag under my eyes...not very appealing
-sleep is heaven... and who doesn't want to go to heaven?
-I might not get embaressed in spanish again by spacing out and sleeping
-ummm..

4-1...CRAP studying outweighs.

such bastards accumulate this world.

I was sitting on the sofa upright and with a perfectly blank face and then one by one tears start encompassing my face and they won't stop. I don't know what I've turned into. A fucking monster I think but it just further brings back to me my insecurities. I think about all I lost and all I just plain don't have now, and the worse part is that just, in this moment of utter pain I don't have any one to confide in. And you then, just feel so fucking alone.

I hate how people can be so shallow and forget all the bad and fucking indescrepencies in a person just because they sexually appeal ot them. and I hate how I miss what I can never have what I had back.

What the fuck happend? My no so best friend anymore ignores me. fucking ignores me to the highest level as if I am the scum on the earth. I have this fucking bitch yada yadding in my head. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I cannot handle this anymore. I can't handle how people like this can just take over and just have eveyrthing running around their finger. I just can't take it anymore


..it's the bitter tatse of losing everything you held so dear

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?
I can't concentrate on anything. I can't stand to look at a fucking paper for more than 5 seconds. And I can't even do my fucking homework. Everyday this week my pen on my desk has been lying there not put on a single piece of paper to do any work at ALL. I can't stay still for a fucking minute. and I feel so FRIGGEN WEAK!

AHAHHHFIOJIOPFKSD

BYE

"SING LIKE NOBODY'S LISTENING."
Whoever made that quote up.. I'm going to make sure I'll fucking kill them. Hey! Yah I do Sing like nobody's listening... soon to find out nobody wants to listen!!

UGHHH

I look out my window and there are little houses coated with snow, so beautifully coated with snow like the candy houses we made in 1st grade. The cars drive by- a Jeep Liberty, a SUV, some concotion of a Convertible and several other cars I don't know. And I think, this is my home. This is Edgemont. I hate it, yet I love it so much. There are so many aspects of this place, so many memories that if I leave I will miss SO DEARLY. Yah, we all complain about how much Edgemont sucks and how we want to wherever we were last, but little do we know... in a few years.. Edgemont will be the place where "we were" last. And I know, no matter all the bad times, Edgemont will be my home, it will be the place where I grew up in and the place where I spent 9 years of my fucking life. And those years were, yes, filles with downs but they were also filled with a million ups. A million great times.

My first house here, the fairway. You'd go outside any time of the day and you'd see people playing and just having so much fun. And anytime you went outside you were sure to see some one to play with. And, if there wasn't anyone, you could just go knock on everyone's hosue and they'd come out. It's not like the stupid stereotypical playdates where you have to call some one and have your parents arrange the whole playdat buisness. For us it was as simple as walking through the laundry room and knocking on everyone's doors to see who's home. I remember my mom grounding me by locking me out of the house and in the balcony because she knew if she locked me any other place I'd escape and go play with my friends. I remember Julia with her fake nails and saying "oh no.. these are real!" yet they were so utterly fake. I remember scaring my mom on easter with Joval's hamster or gerbil or some kind of rodent. I remember playing dodgeball! And playing house... oh god. From rollerblading, to playing detective, to climbing up rocks, to just having the most fun damn times of our lives!! It was... fucking amazing.

Then, I moved into my new house. Me and my brother raced up the rocks a million times! I remember I was so sad because I had always read, and seen in movies or tv shows how if you move into a new hosue everyone comes with cakes and all times of goodies welcoming you to the neighborhood! Pshht.. I got none of that. I was so so sooo sad. I remember walking from Seely every once and while from school. I remember visits back to the fairway.. but everything had started to change by then. People had moved...and moved on. Yah, they still play dodgeball, but there is so much from back then that I wish I could relive. There was all the family reunions, my masi coming to visit, sitting out on the porch, and so much more. There were thos walks to school with Maya every morning. And just plain walking to school! Haha.. how unlazy I was then.

And then there was 8th grade! The fucking greatest recnt time ever. Shruti and Sam came over everyday afterschool like we had nothing better to do. Everyday they were over at my house! No exaggerations here. If I leave my keys at home guess who I could count on as my savior!! None but shrutita..! From bothering Sidd shitless, to bothering the whole fucking debate geek family shitless!! It was really neverending. "Are those naked women on your cards!?" SaY WhAt.. I'm going to drop a bunch of paper on your head!! And run run run. Fucking vegetarian cow fucker and his bitch.

There was so much.. there is so much.. and I miss so much.

"life is like a variety bucket"
I NEED A CHANGE.. FUCKING NOW!!

haircut? New wardrobe? New shoes? New makeup? Plastic Surgery? Switch room with my brother?

I think the hair cut.. or plastic surgery for my toes is most ideal.



There are SO many things that confuse me about myself:
Why is it that when I get an aisle seat in the airplane, I always insist on changing it to window seat even though I never quite appreciate the view?

Why is it that when I order pepperoni pizza, I always peel off the toppings, give em to my brother and eat the pizza plain?

Why is it that when I step on the scale and it shows 118lb, I declare the scale damaged instead of relishing in the fact that I've lost weight?

Why do I always call everyone "loser" and can never think of any other come backs?

Why can't I think of a good come back when some one verbally attacks me.. and then a few hours later a WONDERFUL comeback hits me but it's too late?

Why do I hate insecure people, when I myself am insecure?

Why do I love writing even though my handwriting sucks.. shouldn't I be demoralized by now after looking at that shitty handwriting for 15 years?

Why a few hours before dinner I make sure to go downstairs every 15 minutes to get a random snack.. so by the time dinner rolls around I have to state "I'm not hungry" and I really am not hungry? Ofcourse I think.. oh great I don't eat dinner! Less fat obtained!! but I don't realized that unconciously I am gaining 100s of calories by 100s

Why do I listen to sad sad romantic songs even though I know I am just being a pathetic hopeless romantic?

Why do I welcome the snow when it is snowing but.. when the aftermath of the snow comes and I have to walk in it.. I hate the snow?

and.. Why am I so addicted to writing on online journals???

oh god, I feel like such a baby right now.
I can't believe it. I can't believe I was so selfish. For the past whatever days all I've been thinking about "oh i'm so miserable" blah blah blah. what the fuck is wrong with me. I just can't believe it. This kind of thing is inevitable isn't it? I can't believe I was so fucking selfish. My cousin is in the hospital, he just had surgery. And I'm here crying thinking about how terrible my life is. He fell down, on his head, he's on his death bed. If not his deatbed.. he could be under serious detrimental conditions as a result. I can't believe it. It still hasn't fucking hit me. It's just this neverending horror. My mom just left. A mere 20 minutes after finding out she stuck underwear and a toothbrush into her bag and she left. She's never driven this far alone.. and let alone in the dark. I'm scared as fuck, not only for my cousin, but for my mom too. I'm back to taking care of the whole family again like the beginning of summer before when she flew off to India. It's so scary how one second a kid can be healthy and everything and the next.. he's staring into the eyes of death.

It all started this morning, I went through my usual routine. screamed at family, took shower went upstairs, brushed teeth. and then I did something I hadn't done in.. well a really long time. And well I don't think it has ever come from the heart as it is did this morning. I prayed. I completely and sincerely, stood in front of the temple this morning and held the ram chain in my hand and said repetedly "ram ram ram ram" and I closed off my prayed with "om namo shivay". With this came a promise of a brighter future. And one thing, I so readily lacked in the past...hope. Hope is this deacon I hadn't seen in so long. But after beign drawn in such a weird way. It was behind my control. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just drawn to it and I started praying. I got on my knees and begged. Begged for what I do not know, but I begged for a hope, and this is what I am preying on know. That hope I got from this morning.

I go to school, like a regular day. First period, the usual, I swear, that's the only class that really annoys me. I don't know why. Maybe it's Mr.Thoren? Then, Global, basic usual and as I am walking out of Global Mr. Alter stops me and is like "How are you? Is everything going alright with you?" and I answer so strangely "no". I mean normally when some one asks you "is veerythign alright?" the usual answer is "yeah" but for some reason I answered no. And we just stood there me all bundled up and burning but not noticing because we were so into a conversation I would do anything to have back. We just talked and talked and well talked. It basically was just neverending. Completely and utterly unexpected, but he made me feel so good, I don't know why. Despite the fact I was bearing near inner decapitation he made it seem like it was a good thing. It really didn't matter because I can be strong. And as he said that, well, I became strong, in this weird way.

So I go to the library because I still have to start my english project! But when I get there I obviously don't get any work done. Then I talk to Matt for a while and then as I'm leaving I spot Anuja, so I go and stalk her and I'm like "science scholars time" and then we start talking about something stupid. I forgot what. Oh yah, how we don't know about this issue or the other. So we go to sci.scholars and the usual presentation and eat bit. And then I go to Bio and as I'm walking there Jon's liek 'so do you think we're going to have our test today? and i'm liek OBVIOUSLY why not?" and he's like "well..she's not here today" and you don't know how happy I was considering I didn't study. So I started dancing and going WOO HOO. and then I go stalk Dr.Good and samantha and priya and whoever else is in that class. Ok so then when I'm walking to go to the bathroom I decide to say hi to the class and I did the whole disco dance bit for priya. and then leave. 6th period was the usual, my english project wouldn't open so I didn't get to work on it! so it's going to be late. English was the usual. Ok so I read the story today and I swear to god POE IS A FUCKING GENIOUS. This was an awesome, amazing, crazy and so vivid of a short story. He gets so much into words so easily. He is fucking amazing. And I am not exaggerrating. His descriptions are mind blowing. Ok so then, I went to Math, usual note taking. And then I go home afterschool. I eat, procrastinate (two tests tomroow) and eat some more, My english still won't print. So i'll print it in school tomorow. I still have so much home work to do.

Ok now the scary thing. My mom comes up to my room, well a few hours ago with intense tears in her eyes, while I was studyign for Bio, and she says "Saraj fell on his head, and is in the hospital" Now, this is fucking scaring me and I'm hyperventilating. This is a 5 month old baby that fell on his head! The reprucousions are endless. I don't even want to know what will happen to him, I really don't. I just want to push any bad things that can happen in the back of my head. But anyway it's just scary how a kid can be born perfect and then one little thing can happen and scar the kid for life. Me and Divya were talking about this after I told her about what happend, and it's just scary.. just plain scary. So much can happen and your whole life can be all the more different from the way it might've been if that didn't happen to you. It's not only mind blowing but it's heart aching. It makes you so miserable that why did that poor kid have to suffer while you are here intact complaining about your little petty problems. I hate how it was just a few days ago, I was being so selfcentered and I thought I was so sad miserable cryign endlessly to a point of complete "depression" and so forth. But I mean if I put my petty problems in front of what just happend to Saraj it just hurts so much that this could happen to the poor kid. What did he do to deserve this. It was just some time ago my mom left, a mere 20 minutes after finding out she packed a toothbrush, underwear and some money into her purse and started off driving to Baltimore. She's never driven there alone.. and let alone in the dark. I just spoke to her so I think she's alright. I just hope veerything'll be alright. It's plain scary how one second a kid could be bright and healthy and the next... staring into the eyes of death.

Don't worry because everything's going to be alright.
It's easy to mock people when your own life is devoid of any sort of real emotion. Sometimes I think people mock because their own lives are cold. Intertwined in the cruelty is a tiny twinge of jealousy. Life is fun and funny sure, but without reflection to balance the action, we're nothing more than drones.

If I've learned one thing today, is that the simple's pleasure in life make you feel so good. so so so good. I thought that there wasn't a single person that could make me smile and feel better. and then out of nowhere I found people who I never knew even looked twice at me could sense saddness in my eyes and just like knew the best way to make me smile.

Never overlook the people that care about you.. and the people that don't, well they must not matter that much considering they couldn't even see the saddness in your eyes. It's in days like these you see who is truly there for you, who is just there to make your life further miserable.

Today my soul is empty
ensuing all those years of foreboding,
there is nothing left.

Stripped of all emotion,
a girl lies alone in her room.
She thinks of the past she never wants again;
she thinks of the future she doesn't want to happen;
and just like that, she loses the moment.

there is nothing left for her to feel
she really is alone.

When i was younger i promised myself I wouldn't grow up to be a loser
..man did those plans get shattered



I LOOVE having everything so perfectly figured out. Tina knows all and you all dumbies know nothing. yah ok.

"some people dance to remember ..some people dance to forget"
..I dance for both

AHHH!! sometimes i miss old days sooo much! I'm excited for nothing all the time SERIOUSLY what is wrong with me. I'm always uselessly excited. My mom is a bitch as it is and won't let me do anything, she fucking flipped when I told her I was going to a party in the city for new years, now what am I going to do?? Plans are slashed. I even promised her I wouldn't drink or do anything bad, and she's liek NO NO NO NO. well mom, FFFF UU. I hate when she slashes my plans like THAT. She always does this to me. I hate hate hate it so much. Why me!? I know I'm bullshitting if I say "oh.. i'm so bad of.. i'm worse off then everyone else" but seriously, I wish this bullshitt would end. I'm goign to psychoanalyze her tonight. ARRGH SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING ANNOYING LIAR I HATE HER.

Anyway, what else? I saw Meet the Fockers today. HYSTERICAL! I was by far the loudest person in the theater, no doubt about that. That movie was better than the first. ohh godd.

HOW CAN PEOPLE SLASH MEMORIES SO EASILY AND ERASE A PART OF THEIR LIFE SO EASILY?? HOW HOW ? It's like I never existed? what? Does that not matter to you.. or does it all just wash away liek that? Does my existance evaporate so easily... just like that? Why though? Why does it just slip away so easily.. how and why and all thsoe questions. BUT HOW CAN PEOPLE JUST FORGET? I was there too.. I was there too.. I mattered too, didn't I?

I've been thrown shamelessly in a bottomless pit and there is no climbing back up.
I sometimes don't understand how I can get to such point of utter disbelief. I'm never ashamed of what I have but at times I stare at myself and think "why did I do that?" I mean it's not that I'm ashamed of my stupidity from the pst but it's that I am just shocked that that same insecure and completely vulnerable person was me. That I let myself get taken advantage of so easily and in such full force. I look at people like that right now in disgust but I realized I shouldn't do that I mean I WAS once them. It's just that they piss me off so much.

And then I see those people that actually do take advantage of others and I think "wow what got them to be that way?"

But, then when I think about it I've gotten myself to be that way in many aspects. I've been wanting to run away as fast as I can from the memories of my insecurities that I jumped into the process way too quickly that I might've actually been harm to others. I tried two extreme the used and the user. But neither works for me. When I'm used I just sit there and cry and wish my misery would never end. I repetedly called myself stupid, ugly, and a pointless life. But then when I woke up from that coma of being insecure I stepped into a place where I can still look at myself in utter disgust for being. Conceited to a point of patheticness, mean to the poor poor pathetic and sad insecure people. But, then I can't be just "that nice girl" cuz then I wouldn't feel complete. I like to have these flaws because these flaws make me complete. They are what run my life to let me be what I am today. And If I am just acceptable of everyone then I would have no personality and I like having something to go by. I also hate the people that sit there and smile and laugh and just let everything go by just to get everyone to like them. So what else is there left??

I guess I'll just be T-t-t-Tinnaaa.

ps. I quit being Indian as of this day forward, all those curry smelling bitches throw me to shame :(

I'm so depressed and I don't know why
It just always hits me at the wrong times. I have ADD and can't concentrate on my work. I'm never going to suceed in anything am I? No one will ever take me seriously. No one will ever see me for who I am. I'm just that girl that you can go ahead and use, yah go ahead she won't care. Well sometimes people have to understand I have a heart too. I hate it when people never call you and they only call you to get information out of you. That's the only reason they ever do call. No one wants to call you just to talk to you, or to be a friend that's there to talk to you. I rarely get calls now from people who just want to say hi, besides dorina of course, but I mean I just hate when people call just to use you.

I know I've probably done that loads of times, but come on.. there's a point when it's just overdone. I don't want people to be my friend just to get something out of me, I want people to be my friend because they want to be my friend. It's so hard to find some one who'll see you for you, who'll appreciate you for you and will do something for just you, not for themselves.

I have so many flaws and when I see all those people who life comes so easily for I feel this tingling to want it to be that easy for me. For it to come that easily to me. Some people are just so lucky, why aren't I that lucky? Why do I have to linger? And, furthermore, why do I have to wait and wait for some one to see me for me. Hope is so overated. It really gets you nowhere. Yah so, you pray everynight for something, you think in your mind "if I keep faith the thing that's meant to be will happen" but it never does happen. What then. All that hoping, what'd it get you but false hopes? Nothing, exactly. I'm just wasting my time in the waiting line.

I always let myself get into this state. but WHY. Why do I let myself go so down into that utter put hole that I can never leave. I hate it. SO MUCH.

NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYONE BUT THEMSELEVES!

How many times did i tell myself that i'm never fallin in love again?
It's so hard to be strong sometimes and everything can pull you back so much. I had come so close to hapiness to have it swept away. Do you ever feel hated or just that everyone is making dirty faces behind your back? I've always been so confident and not caring but now I find myself looking behind my back sometimes wondering, is that person mocking me? Is that person making fun of me? Are they all just to get me? I know, I shouldn't care, but sometimes I can't help but care.. it just comes in partly with being in highschool and I guess it all comes and goes and I find myself being so selfconcious sometimes.

I always thought I knew everything.. I knew everything. Now, I feel as if I know nothing. As if theres nothing planned out for me. Everything's breaking right underneath my fingertips. My family's crushing, all I do is yell at them, and my friendships are breaking and my security is breaking. I don't know why I can't forget my past sometimes. Everyonce in a while I'm reminded of him. So FIERCLY reminded of him. Could we have had something I ask myself. It's just that the memories all sweep back to me everyonce in a while and once I think I've forgotten I'm suddenly reminded of it.. all over again. I think I'm secure and I'm insecure once again. I just can't control. Some one mentions something, I see his face, or it just explodes in my face. Jealousy sweeps through my veins sometimes and I don't know what it is. Why does this happen to me? And I know this sounds so childish and so.. immature. but, WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE WHAT I WANT FOR ONCE??

Everything just slips underneath my fingers so easily because I just let it, so easily and so nicely. I always let it go as if I don't care even though I really do so much on the inside. It tears me up on the insides. It rips me out and it won't leave me alone. It just won't leave me alone.

HoLlA Atcha GyRuL, WeRd to MaH HoMmIeS
Alright...something that really annoys me is the way people type. I am sorry but ebonics sound so stupid when you are reading it so please refrain from using such things. I was guilty of it too at one point, but now i realize how unintellectual you sound when you type in that manner. I mean, I do have annoying typing habits myself with such words like wanna instead to want to or gonna instead of going to. Or even lol or brb. But im talking about ebonics

Especially when asians do it, even though no one in their surroundings speaks in that manner. i mean im not trying to dog on any culture, but if you're living in edgemont, scarsdale, or any other rich like area, please refrain from typing as if you're from the projects, it worsens the stereotypical asian that tries to be "thug" by wearing fubu and what not.

here are some examples:

tYpeeng lyKe deeSh!...you sound like an idiot, and I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say, dish? diss? this?

h3y,!...I'm sorry, is your E key not working?

welcome 2 mah 411...im sorry, mah ? what the heck is that. you mean my? cause where I am from we pronounce our y's... and 411 = information...I get it, very clever.

yoooooo... one o says plenty

It may seem like I'm just complaining, but when I recieve e mails or IMs, it's really hard to read, so please type as if this was a term paper, or just use words that are actually in the dictionary.

That uncontrable feeling of "say what?"
I don't know how to explain it, I'm just at a loss of words. I have experianced so many emotions in the last whatsoever years. But I think the absolute worst of them, next to being left taken advantage of, is the feeling of being told you are stupid and that "psh you don't know the feelings I'm feeling cuz I'm so much more experainced than you". Well, you know what bitch? You may think you know so much but seriously you're the stupidest dumbshit I know. You think you know so much and OH YAH you've experianced a hell of a hell lot, well honey you have no idea what I've experianced so quit judging and go run away from here and leave me alone.

Emotions are so hard to control and annoying people are hard to get away from. I swear, OK I know this is not nice, but some people can be so annoying and you just want to get away from them. I hate how some people act it's just that their presence annoys me. And emotions that you can sometimes feel are so uncontrollable it's like a pang that goes straght through your heart and it just won't leave that place. One little thing can effect me so much, let it be and attitude some one has or just their goddamn annoyingness.

The thing about me is if I feel something, it stays for a little while and then my perception of that person changes all over again.

It's so easy for a person to get me to reach uncontrollable hapiness and so easy for them to get me to uncontrollable saddness. I am having way too many mood swings these days and I seriously need to stop, and I dunno what's happening but I've had my period for two weeks now, is that bad? It just won't leave and it's really really annoying me.

I had a memory of the time I ran away today in school. And for some reason I suddenly got that feeling of saddness I had felt on that exact day. I remember it so clearly. It was a debate trip I was on and I was so sad because it was so many things piled up on top of eachother. Stupid things yes, but things. And everyone I tried to reach to to get my feelings out to weren't there. I swear, I called up ALL of my friends that day and no one could talk. I called my mom and even she couldn't talk to me. Everyone was busy in their own fucking lives. And I had felt so sad then because so much had happend in that day and I just couldn't control it and burst out into uncontrollable tears. I sat in a corner underneath the stairs of this gigantic school and just sat there crying and crying and crying. It was about stupid stuff though, it was just my body and my brain giving away to that sudden feeling of that depression. There wasa door next to the te stairs which I was sitting under. I got up and just left through the door. That was it, I couldn't take all this shit anymore, I was gonna be a quitter and I was gonna be a coward. I just coulnd't TAKE IT. Then the door shuts behind, no more turning back the door once it was closed was one of thsoe automatic lock doors. So I leave and I keep on walking and walking away from the school across the football field and onto a main deserted pitch dark road in the middle of some scary ghettos. I don't stop waling though and I speed up gradually cuz I'm getting sort of scared of the shadows. Then I turn to the side and I see some scary big muscley men. I freaked out, I didn't know what to say or do or anything and then they see me and then they laugh and mutter something to eachother. And here I am, now gradually walking faster and then they start walking. They're walking in my direction and I freak out and then they start running towards me. I couldn't believe it I went crazy and I ran and ran and ran. I didn't do anything but run, I didn't look back I just ran and didn't stop. Before I realized it, it turns out I had run back to the school. There it was the school, the front doors of the gigantic school with people standing outside of it, and my face dried out with tears. I remember that site like it was just yesterday. The lights are shinning from the inside to the out, there are yellow schoolbuses all around and then to the left of me on the steps I see Arpit and he says "what are you doing here?" and I say "Oh.. I don't have a debate this round" and then he says "well then go watch one!" I respond "what are you doing out here??." And thus the conversation goes on. I'll never forget how that kid made me feel better by just talking to me. It was about something stupid but still that confort you get withen yourself when some one talks to you is like none other.

Today in school I felt the exact same way, not to that extreme, but at lunch all i was trying to do was GET AWAY GET AWAY GET AWAY. Get away from people in general. I walked out at one point and then I realize, ok its snowing/raining outside so I can't go anywhere so I take the elevator back to the library and went back to my daily routine as if everything was normal. As normal as it could be