I talked to John yesterday. I miss talking with him. I'm glad I was able to help him, and I'm glad he always tries to make me feel better. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that other people have been through the same things that I have, and that they don't think I'm a bad person.
He asked me what really makes someone good or bad, and who exactly made the decision on what was "good" and "bad". He said that almost every single person, given the right circumstances, would be "bad" and that being "bad" isn't necessarily bad. It's just a word people use to describe actions to make themselves feel better.
Now, this is just in the context of my recent expedition to discover who I am.
We talked about how difficult it is to not be cynical after experiencing life. And how challenging it is to reawaken that voice inside you that stays optimistic despite overwhelming evidence that nothing will ever work out the way you hoped. And even if it does, the cynic in you can't even find joy in that.
I'm just so terrified I'll always he so jaded. I'll never believe in love again. I'll be the anti-romantic and live my life bitter, old, and broken hearted.
I can't even talk to anyone when I feel this way. I feel like I'm always just going to be trapped in a birdcage, all alone, with faces that on occasion speak to me through the bars.
How does anyone keep going? What is really so amazing about this life we have? What's the point of being here, scraping through life, feeling alone with only brief moments where you're distracted enough to forget.
Today was really crushing. Not because of Valentines day - I couldn't care less about this stupid corporate holiday.
I just feel so betrayed. And that I can't be myself. And that I'm an idiot.
Which, yes, I make bad choices sometimes, but so does EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I want to make that clear - I make mistakes, like everyone, and the whole "holier-than-thou" attitude just makes me so insanely angry and hurt.
It makes me just never want to share my life with anyone else ever again. I tell people things that are bothering me, that I need guidance on.. I confide in my friends because I need help and support. But instead I get met with disgust? Like I'm really worse than you?
I'm sure some of these feelings are just me being sensitive because I didn't have a chance to take my anti-depressant this morning.. But it still really hurt my feelings.
I feel like I'm a shitty friend. Maybe just a shitty person in general. I just want to go hide in a hole.
I've been reading Ham on Rye, but Charles Bukowski. The sentiments of Henry are really similar to my sentiments, and it has really put my life into a new perspective. I'm not as bitter as he is, but I still feel like most of the time I'm just reading my own thoughts.
I'm trying to make myself feel better about being who I am. I miss Jana, and I enjoy the things she posts, because it makes me feel better about who I am. It's a battle accepting myself, and a lot of the time I try to pretend as though parts of me don't exist. I know I'd be happier if I just accepted myself and moved forward, but it never is as easy as that.
I'm just frustrated with my life. I know I'm making positive changes, but... I still feel as though I have so much farther to go and it makes me overwhelmed.
I won a Bravo award at work. I could get a multitude of things, or a $75 gift car. I'm thinking I want to get the gift card and go to Total Wine and just buy the beginning of my own liquor cabinet... For when I'm done with this challenge and can drink again.
I really miss drinking. I really miss a great many things.
Worked out this morning, heading to Physzique in a little bit..
I'm so not ready for today. All I want to do is have someone watch TV with me. Maybe have some drinks. I am SO poor until Friday :( stupid poopy expenses.
But with all the money that will be coming my way shortly, I'll be able to finally pay off all the debt on my plan and start saving money! I'm so excited.
e.e. cummings
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
Lately, I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs. I have really enjoyed my weekend for the most part, but there have been parts where it fucking sucked.
Tonight was pretty awesome. Today in general was pretty awesome! I got to see so many awesome people.
Unfortunately, my back hurts so fucking bad. I want to cry. :(
I had a really fun time last night! I was nice to get out of the house and hang out with Lauren! And Sus seemed like he had a good time being out in public too :) Though now my voice is fucked up..
I saw something that I think I need to bring up to someone. And I'm afraid to because I don't want to fuck up a relationship.. But I don't know the whole story, and I don't want to automatically assume the worst about someone. I just need to approach it with some finesse I suppose..
Anywho, first week of the Survivor challenge out of the way! The first two workouts were nuthin' but the third one this week was soooo challenging to get out of the way. Working out intensely for three days straight is so intense. But I feel really good! The nutritionist wants me eating 1600 calories in a day, but I only have been eating like.. 800-1200, and I haven't been feeling tired or weak or light headed.. So I'm apprehensive about trying to fit that many more calories into my diet.
I guess we'll see at the weigh-in. I really want to win the $1000!!
happy new year
Well, one more year, one more opportunity to change shit.. or something.
Samie and I have signed up for this 12 week challenge at a local gym near our work. They apparently have trainers there that can help people with injuries (such as a herniated disk, like me) so as long as I just follow their directions, I won't die. There are 1st 2nd and 3rd place winners - 1st place wins $1000, 2nd wins $250, 3rd wins $100 or something. Hopefully this works haha
I'm just so ready for a new year to start. I can't wait to finally start accomplishing my goals.
::
2012 30 December :: 12.28pm
:: Mood: Disgusting
Goodbye self esteem
This whole week has been crushing my ego on a massive scale. Honestly I wish I could just crawl into a hole and hide for a while. I think I'm going to live in my hoodie.
I wish I wish I wish... What I could do is just do it.
But apathy is lethal and I'm having a hard time giving any fucks. Period.
I can't help but worry about mom and dad. And I keep having all these bad dreams about my friends getting breast cancer and my parents don't have enough money to eat and I'm always so helpless to do anything worthwhile.
I know it's not my fault why things are the way they are.. but on the ride to work, looking at the snow on the trees on hills far away.. I couldn't help but wonder why we keep going, where this is all going and what are we really doing here?
I remembered how much animosity I used to have for my parents, and how much hatred I used to feel towards certian people and how that's all so meaningless now. I have always wanted a family I was close to and friends who loved me. Now I finally have both and I am so glad.
But this sadness has really seems to have taken up roots into my heart and I feel like they will never come up. I just can't help but feel like my insides are just all black and cold.
Sometimes I just have to try and remind myself that it's not my fault I'm like this. And sometimes that really isn't enough.
I just wish I didn't feel so.. helpless and terrified.
But the future will never be certain, and the only certainty I have is who I am inside.
Both of my dogs chase their tails. My older dog growls while he does it. I'm not sure why they do it, because they have to know their tails are their own.
::
2012 29 November :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Entering a period of extreme change in my life, and it's terrifying, but also a little exciting, and very sad.
I'm a big mix of emotions, but I think what I'm doing is the right choice for me. And I'm hoping that this will put me on the right path in making the best choices for myself moving forward.
I'm still really sad the way things turned out, and I wish things could have been different... But maybe this will be the best thing for everyone involved. I really hope it turns out to be like that.
I hate growing up. I have hated almost every single thing about it. Everything is so much more difficult, so much more stressful, so much more confusing and heart breaking.
But I also look back at all the mementos of my adolescence and I realize, I was so fucked up back then. I am SO much better now than I was in the past... And I'm very glad I've gotten the help I need to move past all the terrible things in my past.
So.... I'm having a hard time staying focused and dedicated to school. I think it's because I don't like writing research papers, but I'm not sure. I just know that at this point, I don't want to write anything anymore and I more so don't want to find sources and cite them.
Ugh, so much intellectual property! I feel like there are no more original thoughts and merely saying anything is going to plagiarize something somewhere.
On a brighter now, I'm using a brine on my turkey this year. It's apple cider based, and smells weird, but it has so many 5 star reviews I thought, "How could this go wrong?" I mean, I'm a pretty competent cook. I don't fuck up too royally anymore.
I think the thing I'm most excited about this year is getting to spend it with a family, rather than just me and Sus. Because of all the stuff going on in Samie's family, they aren't doing a family Thanksgiving, so I'm just bringing all my stuff over to her house and we're doing it together. I feel bad for her since it's her first turkey day away from her family, and my first one was kinda sad too, but I am excited too :)
I got 4.0's in both of my first classes. I'm on my way to the same thing in this set too. Though, keeping motivated is difficult. Sometimes I just can't find it in me to care, not sure how to fix that.
Had an epic date night with Sus last night! We got my hair cut, went to see Cloud Atlas and then had some sushi. I couldn't have asked for more. I even got motherfucking tater tots. That boy <3
Rika is in her first heat cycle.. Poor baby :( but that means puppies eventually!! We are getting Bjorne fixed next Saturday.. poor baby :( both of my puppies are so sad! But adorable and I think it'll be the best option for him. He's so big and I don't want to put Rika in danger.
