"The amount of love you wish to give is more than I can stand."

I love this song.

Jennah and Brett are going to be together again. you have no idea how happy this makes me. I don't know why, but I just like them together. maybe it's because Jennah can be both happy and emo..lol..and, I don't know, you can tell that they just..go together. so, I'm in a good mood. thank you Brett : )
Stephen and I just had a little, not debate, but talk about abortion. I am not pro-life, though I think I would consider myself a conservative. I was brought up in a liberal, democratic environment, but I really don't know what I think. we're studying the Constitution in history, so I've actually been thinking about it quite a bit. I don't nkow. for right now, I'm non-party. if anyone wants to debate the whole, abortion issue, feel free to leave your thoughts on my comments board.
anywho, I'm leaving.

I'm so tired.

Alex's party was last night. it was fun..but I agree with him, it would have been better if he had had just a small get together thing with just about a fourth of the people there. Megan and Davis kissed. Taylor and Bacardi Kid kissed. Alex and I kissed, even though we got into..2 fights I think it was? oh well..we had a Fab 4 sleepover at Erin's afterwards. this morning we had the pizza that Miss Michele gave us, and chocolate covered strawberries..fucking best breakfast I've ever had. Mom wouldn't let Alex come over today..said I had to help take down Christmas. as you can all see I'm helping so much. I cried today. a lot. don't really know why. kinda pathetic, but it happens a lot now..9 more days. I'm really tired for some reason..I wanted to go to the mall to get those earrings..but no. damn Christmas. why can't we live in Whoville? that way, we wouldn't really have to worry about taking Christmas down. and I could get those pretty earrings. I'm selfish. I'm sorry. my dad is trying to put my futon together, but the directions suck so it's taking a little longer. and now he's taking a break..damn. I do have good news though..I got into the Broadcasting Arts program at Lake Howell. and so did Alex and Jennah and Erin. I wish Rach had applied. but it's alright, that's not her thing. Alex also joined drama. neeeeeed guys. guys are so lucky..theyre like, gold to the industry, while girls are some kind of rusty copper...BUT if we give the casting director a blow job or..something..we MIGHT be silver. it's sad. just like the fact that if yuo're poor and you have a kid, you can get medicade. but if you're poor with no kid...you can't. my sister went to the hospital last night. she doesn't have insurance, and she can't get medicade. so they wouldn't do an MRI on her..they wouldn't do anything, except give her a little tiny bit of medicine that was probably tylenol fancied up. what the hell are people like her supposed to do? people who are sick, therefore they can';t work because they might not be there all the time, and they don't have kids, or aren't married, so they can't get insurance or medicade. how are they supposed to get medicine? are they just supposed to live with what they're going through? and the fucking goverment wonders why there are so many heroine addicts. stupid..
I'm going to go start switching out the old pictures in my photo albums for new ones.


I love you Alex.

aww fucker. I just lost everything I wrote because..ahh nevermind. I'll write it again. my list continues...
glittery nail polish
Rachel Libersat
pink hair
Davey Havok
matching (that's including sex bracelets)
Jennah LeBruno
hot hot hot hot (like, the hottest you it will go) kind of showers
dad's famous taco dip
Adam Lazzara's hair
the way Brice only wears orange pants and gets his shoes personally made
Erin Adams
cell phone games
the way the Fabs seem to write on EVERYTHING in each of our rooms

I'll add more if I think there's more, which there probably is..

so today. kinda sucked, kinda didn't. Alex was in a bad mood. -Hence, the day sucking.- none of the Fabs were in bad moods. -Hence, the day not sucking.- everything kind of evens out. I don't know anything anymore. I'm so confused about things. I don't know what I did to make Alex...hate me? no, he doesn;t hate me..I don;t know what I did to make him..act like he did today. Erin and Jennah are with their new...not boyfriends, but uh, boys of interest? and Rach is with her mom...but I need her!! because I'm sad and I neeeeed to talk someone's ear off..and she's the only one I can do that with, without being told to shut up.

haha, okay, I just called Rach's mom's cell phone. I had to. I had to talk to her. and I did. and now I feel better and refreshed. I'm still kind of sad..but I feel better. I also talked to Mark. and I don;t know why, but that made me smile too. I feel...cared for...not a cared for like "I love you so much" or "youre so hot", but a cared for like, someone really cares. it's a good feeling. I like it. I love Rachel. I love Rachel. I want Rachel nowwww! (Jennah and Erin I love yuo guys too).
earlier I felt alone. I was afriad to call Rach's mom's cell. Alex was playing football. and Erin and Jennah were at..yea, lol. but I don't know. it's better now. I want..ah, I want so many things. it's not easy. but, I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. all I know is that I want something. I don't know exactly what it is..but I know..enough. and I also know that I'm making absolutely no sense now.
Alex just told me that he's not happy. well, he didn't say those words exactly...actually, he did..kind of. he also said that since I'm happy, it doesn't matter whether he is or not. I don't know. whatever.

Jennah, I love you, it's just sometimes I can't take your criticism, or you being mean. and you guys wonder why I'm with Alex so much, but he's never like that. I can hang out with him and not worry about getting "the look" from Rach or Erin, or worry about you saying "I don't like you". maybe Addie was right in a way, in saying that we hurt people. I know we don't hurt people directly, but all of us are so into our friendship, and we used to think that we had the best friendship in the world, and I think that really does hurt people. I mean, seriously, a lot of people will never be as happy as we once were with each other, especially people who tried to be friends with us. but, regardless of what happens now, what happened in the past and what will happen in the future, I love you no matter what. and I love the Fabs too. we're just all changing right now, trying to figure out the people we want to be, and it's okay to space out. you'll (and Erin and ach) be my best friends, no matter what. weve gone through so much shit it's impossible for us to not be. don't worry. I love you..you are our light..(not saying this in a religious way..lol).
and to anyone esle reading this, I'm glad that this bitch is my best friend.

I'm so excited about tomorrow. no, not because I want to go back to school, because drama starts! -not the annoying kind, the ACTING kind- and I can't wait. I dropped out of AOF this summer, so I haven't technically been in a play since last school year...and that sucked big time. I mean, no offense to anyone who was in it, but you guys, er, we, sucked. I'm surprised people didn't get up and leave after the first class did their mystery thing..which you couldn't hear at all...IT'S CALLED A DIAPHRAGM PEOPLE. my class was sitting in the back and we were just like..yea, we better be better than them. and we were. a tad. hah, whatever, I can't wait. Alex is going to try to get into it...NOT because I'm making him because I want to have an extra class with him, but because he'd be an AWESOME actor..er, comedian. -haha, I can hear We Beseech Thee in the other room. I'm surprised I liked that show so much considering I'm not into religion..at all.- anyways, something I'm not looking forward to tomorrow is science. or, I'm not looking forward to turning my project in on Wednesday. I mean, it's okay, but to Ms. Schmidt, okay is like, trash. and I'm thinking she's expecting a lot from me and uh, this project isn't...yea...oh well, even if she gives me a C on it -which I don't think she will- I'd probably still have an A in her class. haha, almost said something mean. ah, I don't know I don't know I don't know.
I feel so numb. well, I guess you cuold say numb because I really don;t know what else you would say. I don't know how to feel right now, about anything. I'm making school be my number 1 priority. I know it sounds stupid, but heh, I don't want to get into some of the things that are right here in front of me, asking me to step down the wrong path. some of my friends..I don't know, it feels like things are changing, or maybe it's me. but how can you not, when serious, life changing things happen? I mean, I don't know, Jennah said she doesn;t feel like she knows me anymore, I never talk to Erin, it's just weird. and I don;t know how to act with my family either. I don't know who to believe, who to trust, who to apologize to. I always feel like I need to apologize to someone, for something that isn't my fault. whatever, if I go a few months, or a year, without feeling anything it can't cause any damage worse than feeling..if you get my drift. okay, I think I'm going to go take a shower.

haha, this band Darkness, theyre really cool...really funny. I'm a Alex's. : ) it's his birthday, if you didn't know. Patrick is sitting here next to me..slurping on a swedish fish..yikes. yes, I'm having fun because I love these peope. I just met "the family". hahaah, I like 'em! nice people.
earlier my mom and I went shopping, kind of. I'll talk about it later, I must go KILL Patrick in Mortal Kombat...mwahahahhahhhah! I LOve THis GAme!!!!
and I love Alex.. : )
p.s.....Alex explained to me the time thing...it should be right now...lol...boy I feel like an idiot.