sonic reducer

:: 2006 15 July :: 1.18am
:: Mood: crappy

meh. i've run the emotional gamut in the last 12 hours or so. it's been interesting. nothing in particular happened to cause this. it just kind of did it on its own.

i know the feelings aren't true. i mean, they are real feelings, but they don't represent reality. but i can't just pretend the feelings don't exist. they obviously do. so, how do i strike that balance? tell me how.

i want to go swimming. i want to run away. even if there's nothing to run away from. just dissapear for like a week. not to escape my problems. they'll be waiting anxiously when i return. and that's fine. i just want some time alone without them first, that's all.

i wrote a horrible entry in opendiary. it just ran around in circles until i got tired. i don't know why i do this sometimes. perhaps it's a homeopathic remedy for paranoid psychosis. that would be nice. anything to stop me from freaking out anymore.

dad would say to pray about it.
mom would say to get medicine.
bruce would say to take a break, relax somehow. or just plow through it.

so, what would i say? i know i would say something. i just don't know what it is.

5 comments | feedback

:: 2006 13 July :: 5.10pm

Hm. Sad sad day.
I'm really upset that I didn't get in touch with her earlier. I didn't know. :-( My friend and I had the same due dates, but she gave birth to her twin girls. And it's heartbreaking. But I can't talk more about it because I will start crying again.

Okay.
Reception is tomorrow. I know who is working it! YAY! Abbi and Jon :-) That should be fun!

Baby is kicking really hard and I can actually feel where the baby is and what is kicking/punching. haha. I'm going to be having a diaper party sometime real soon, I will get on the details later.

Anyway, gotta go.

stinko

:: 2006 13 July :: 12.03am

not working is pretty much great
until you realize that there is such a thing as too much free time.
hmm.
part of me wants school to start, but then i remember that i have hard ass classes and i will probably have to work a lot.
i don't really know. next year should be an improvement over last, not that last was bad, but there is definately room for it.
at least karen benzer isn't on my ass every second of every day. it is nice simply not going home anymore.

8 comments | feedback

:: 2006 11 July :: 1.41am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving

i want to make music.

i want to write stories.

i want to be muscular.

i want to be athletic.

i want to be sweet.

i want to make girls swoon.

i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have.

i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself.

"chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare.

everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply.

so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose.

3 comments | feedback

stinko

:: 2006 8 July :: 2.01pm

i haven't been pissed in about a week. that is a strange thing to have happen. i haven't even cried.
this is so strange.

maybe i changed the way i deal with stuff.
i don't really know. but i hope i stay this way.

:: 2006 8 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: tired

scholarships.

for miss katie booms:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C1CA875D-DC52-0776-796A810F60FA6887

for me to remember:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C0B723DB-9B6D-A2E8-39506818EAC1A5C3

-------------------

working a lot. doing stuff. tomorrow's the last day of work this week. i'm seeing 'pirates' on sunday with lindsay, that should be super-fun times.

it was absolutely marvelous to have shannon come up this week. i had a great time, what little time there was. i'm looking forward to next week as well, but i feel bad that she has to drive up here two weeks in a row, and yet i'm too cheap to return the favor.

in other news, i have a stepmom. that's exciting. she's pretty cool. i'm pleased with the advancement. i'm really happy for her and dad.

3 comments | feedback

:: 2006 7 July :: 3.18pm

Holy crap. I can't believe we're almost in the the 3rd trimester already. This is going so fast, which isn't hard to say anymore since I'm not getting so sick anymore. We painted the nursery and soon things will be set up. We have Charlie's old cradle and everything. Charlie can feel the baby now, so that's really wonderful. And I can all the time. It's really neat to know when my baby is awake and when he/she's not.
That was fun having everyone over yesterday! :-) I miss that.
And having this baby makes me miss the good in the world. I miss the pure, true, good that used to be around (like when you were younger). I only want that for our baby. Which is hard, because the bad things are how you learn.
Anyway, I'm kind of rambling. This weekend will be sooooooo great! My parents are at this house on Lk. MI in Muskegon right now and I've seriously wanted to go swimming for a looooooooooong time. YAY for RELAXING!

:: 2006 30 June :: 4.47pm

Almost vacation time!!! :-D
Today Charlie and I watched Chicken Run and ate breakfast in bed (he made us yummy eggs). It was really really nice. My car actually quit while I was in the process of driving it...on the expressway. So that was scary. It was the battery connection and now it's fixed but yikes. I called the doctor this week, I think Tuesday, because I keep getting sick when I try to eat in the morning/afternoon. They told me to come in cause I kept losing weight. I'm still 2 pounds under my original weight and I'm supposed to have gained more. Well, everything is fine, but they prescribed pills and I am not for taking them. Especially because if I didn't have insurance, to get 20 would be about $800 they said. So next week will be the big vacation! Then Friday the 14th is the reception!

:: 2006 30 June :: 3.36am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: me! (on drums)

et cetera

you know?

i don't. but i'm cool with that. there's much less pressure that way; less responsibility. i like not knowing. adds a sense of adventure.

i'm still alive, just in case anyone was getting worried. hung out with kevin. hung out with shannon. i've been working a lot, lifting weights a little, and stuff like that. i've been working with the digital recorder a little bit too. that thing is fun. i only wish i knew better how to work it. there is so much untapped potential there. but it works well enough for my purposes, for the moment.

i haven't been writing anything lately. i've been trying to keep up with my reading, but even that has been slow lately. the only cognitive thing i've done lately is i proofread a guy's doctoral thesis earlier tonight. for some reason it makes me feel alright knowing that even professors at U of M write bad papers sometimes. not that it was bad, but i mean, there were some mistakes, which i caught. i'm sure i also missed a lot. and i didn't do most of it. bruce did. he just asked me to finish what he hadn't done. he's a better writer anyway, so i'm glad he did it. not to mention, the whole thing was like forty pages.

two more days. then i get a breather again. sunday i'm dj-ing for grandpa and grandma best's fiftieth wedding anniversary. and tuesday i'm going over to kevin's. aside from that, i work. i'm working saturday, monday, wednesday, etc. this (and next) week. it's crazy talk. but i like the overtime. too bad i don't get holiday pay. those fuckers.

shit. it's time for bed. i keep forgetting things. it's bothering me. bed. right.

:: 2006 24 June :: 2.40am
:: Mood: yucky ::

:: damn family ::
so, i guess the shit is hitting the fan in a big way, like it hasn't done in four or five years. and that was when i was cutting myself and just all around being really stupid.

i know it may come as a shock, but i'm pretty sure that i'm still quite stupid. i realize that this is an unpopular perspective among my friends. but everyone loves an underdog, right? i just hope i don't lose my cool. i can feel it slipping. it has been happening for a few weeks now. i don't know what to do with it. i know shannon is already starting to feel the effects. i'm just worried.

apparently there's some court hearing scheduled. mom threatened to kick me out of the house, to which i responded, "tonight?". she didn't say anything. she just kind of looked at me like she thought i was being silly.

but as soon as she said that, in my head, i went into survival mode, you know? (hunter would have been proud) i was trying to figure out how best to smuggle clothes, food, possessions, and where they would be going. where i would be going. but it would be such a pain in the ass to have to change my mailing address. and you know a bunch of stuff would get messed up.

the problem is that the cell phone, the truck, and the mailing address, all belong to mom. none of them are mine. i merely use them, with permission (WP, if you will). if she takes the truck, the phone, the house, then i'm left with the mess to clean up. i'm half tempted just to do it. i mean, it would be a pain in the ass, no doubt. but i could really go for something a little more constant, you know? something where i wouldn't be worried about where i'm going to sleep the next night. and up until recently, such a place existed, right here.

part of me is really pissed, and just wants a normal family for once.

but i have to keep reminding myself, especially in times like these:
a normal family would be boring. and wouldn't that be horrible? boring! i quake in mundane angst at the thought of a boring existence with a boring family. < / s a r c a s m >

6 comments | feedback

:: 2006 23 June :: 5.14pm

Ready to see my cute little smiley baby?!?!
We got our 3-D ultrasounds yesterday and it was very wonderful. It's way too early for baby to smile but it does look like it. Baby is wayyy cute already! haha :-) We're so excited! Over half way there...

I'll post more pics later.

(Oh, and for those who can't see it well, baby has her/his left hand over that side of her/his face) The other hand is up kind of too.

:: 2006 23 June :: 3.20am
:: Music: 311 - music

let's see. kevin spent the night last night, that was fun.

band practice yesterday was good. i've stopped expecting it to go anywhere, but that's alright. i just like being able to still play sometimes. i NEED that. they say to nurture your mind, body, and soul. well, to exaggerate just a smidgen, music is my soul.

shannon got a phone call, and so she called me late tonight, all choked up. i mean, it wasn't a big deal, and we're fine. but yet it was a big deal. hence the crying. the details aren't really important.

i was two minutes late to work today. they'll dock it from my check. but if i clocked in an hour early, you think they'd give me any credit? i just don't understand what their logic is. i mean, what will you do with an inexperienced, uneducated workforce, which has no incentive whatsoever to go above and beyond the bare minimum required to simply maintain their employement status. because, as long as you're not getting fired, you're getting paid the same, regardless of how hard you work.

shannon has a hedgehog, a beautiful personality, and a great sense of humor.

i have muscles, meager fundage, and a decent sense of humor.

i think that's enough. if not, then i'll be damned. i don't have much else to offer.

1 comment | feedback

:: 2006 16 June :: 5.41pm

haha wow. that's a little soon don't ya think...

:: 2006 16 June :: 5.34pm

I LOOOOOVE HIM!
I love being married. The wedding was beautiful. We were all so afraid it would rain because it was raining everywhere else, but it was beautiful out! The park was beautiful with a fountain and flowers and everything. We had a carriage ride afterwards. Our honeymoon was a wonderful time. We stayed at Grand Beach Resort and it was soooo pretty. Everything is going great. This past weekend we had to get an ultrasound, and then this Thursday is our BIG ultrasound. :-) We're so excited. I get lonely cause he gets out of work late but other than that everything is great. :-) We don't have the internet so I may not be online for a while.

:: 2006 14 June :: 1.16am
:: Mood: hungry

shannon-dance

so, weekend... let's see:

friday night i worked. saturday day i worked. saturday night i went fishing with bruce, after helping clean some stuff around the house. sunday morning, got up early and went fishing with bruce and libby. sunday afternoon, went to grandpa and grandma's for dad's birthday thing. he's 45 now. on my way from there, the truck crapped out on me, so i pulled into a parking lot, called dad up, and he gave me a ride to meijer to pick up a new spark plug, and also stayed to give me a hand turning wrenches for a bit. we also had a nice long talk about the visitation situation. i think it helped him to hear what i had to say about it.

sunday night, shannon came up and we went to dinner with mom and libby, then we rented 50 first dates, which i had never seen before. it was cute. monday morning, shannon took libby and i to the zoo. that was fun. then we grabbed lunch, went for a quick walk in the park, and then i had to go to work, and she had to go to the orthodontist.

that's basically what has happened since i last updated. fishing was fun. shannon was fun.

i might be working as a decoy for the michigan liquor commission. i scheduled an interview for next week. i thought it would be an interesting experience.

tomorrow i'm hopefully going to hook up with emily for a bit. it's been awhile. and i might go out to campus view to get the loan signed, and make the down payment. i hope it's less than $300, because that's all i'm bringing.

thursday i'm supposed to meet with aunt mollie and aunt maria and tour the riverboat on which i will be DJ-ing for grandpa and grandma's anniversary.

friday i'm hopefully going to be meeting up with one of my prospective roommates, for an early lunch. his name is kyle.

and that is me, for the moment.

6 comments | feedback

:: 2006 10 June :: 12.24am
:: Mood: drunk

okay, so i put drunk, but i'm really not that drunk. i just thought it was funny that gunnie put it on the list of options. and it might be good to note that funny and gunnie do indeed rhyme.

work was slow tonight. they had me sweeping floors and hauling dunage (empty carts and racks) most of the night. it was pretty lame. i'm still not sure what all they'll have me do for tomorrow, but i really don't care right now, and i'll be getting paid the big bucks to do it, so fuck.

it seemed to fit, okay? fucking shit. that's the thing that zach and i have going right now. it's like our inside joke or whatever... fucking shit. he invited me to fourth of july. i'm not sure if i'll go or not. i really want to see shannon. and i'm sure i'll see her before then.

she's really quite adorable, by the way. i was noticing that earlier, and i figured it would be nice to make mention of it. she's pretty damn cute. and i think i'll keep her.

so, mom opened the apple wine stuff. it's pretty good. it's carbonated. i'm not sure i'm a fan of the carbonation. but i like the tartness. that's different, and i like it. but that's not why i'm messed up right now. i took some more of that yukon jack stuff. it's really smooth. i like that too. it's sort of minty, like wintergreen flavor. and you'd never know its 100 proof....

okay, well, you might, by watching me. but aside from that, it's very inconspicuous.

ds;ljaf;dlkfja ;sdlkjf;alsdfj ad.

my fingers are rebelling again.

it's time for bed. i have to work in the morning.

fucking shit.

1 comment | feedback

:: 2006 8 June :: 12.54am
:: Mood: chill
:: Music: brian bromberg - you know that feeling

how country are turnip greens?
i hate B-93. and i dislike a vast majority of country music. i just had to get that off of my chest.

something else i've had to get off my chest:
when i went to the snows' house saturday night, while shannon was babysitting, when i went to the bathroom, there was a sign on the mirror that said "J.O.Y."

it was an acronym, that said "jesus first, others second, yourself third". now, this really irked me. not because of putting others before yourself, i do that all the time. it's the only way to fly. but the problem i have, is with putting jesus before others. that's like... holy war, or some shit. now, i know that's not what they had in mind with the whole "joy" thing, but to me it just seemed ignorant. that jesus himself would likely want us to put others first, him second, and ourself third. or rather, that he was just another human. that he would include himself in the "others" and so, it would just be everyone else before you. that to me is what makes sense. putting jesus before others is just downright scary. i've seen it. not fun.

moving on, to a happier note, i bought some books and cds while i was down there, and i'm enjoying them very much. i'm not quite halfway through murder on the orient express yet. i'll let you know what i think of it, once i'm finished.

i proofread shannon's short story last night. i haven't heard back from her since i submitted my revisions.

and, inspired by her writing, and the rain and the thunder, and a conversation we had this past weekend, i began writing my own short story. which i'm sure will wind up being neither short, nor much of a story. but it'll be fun to write, i hope, anyway.

that's all for now. stuff to do. things to see. hours to sleep.

7 comments | feedback

:: 2006 1 June :: 12.34pm

Yay! Wedding is tomorrow!
I still have a pretty bad cold.
Tried on my dress again today. Finished vows. Am going to finish packing. Yikes. :-)
Getting boquets tonight.
I lost a couple more pounds too. Crazy how that works.

:: 2006 31 May :: 12.49am
:: Music: my fan / the thunder

lightning in the southern sky

this weekend was too incredible to describe with words. so i won't bother. we went canoing, swimming, movie-ing, chilling, playing cards, driving, everything.

it was great. and i still can't belive the trip home. all the way from elk rapids to big rapids. my ears were ringing. jeez.

moving on,
it has been a very long time since i have had my hair in a ponytail. but after today at work, i think it is a necessity, given that my hair kept swinging down and dripping sweat all over my glasses and safety goggles.

that's all i have to say for now. i can't feel my fingers, and that makes typing difficult.

but it's been like a week, and i feel entitled. or something.

i wonder what time i'll get up tomorrow. i'm not going to set an alarm, i know that much.

:: 2006 30 May :: 9.26pm

Ahhh I have a cold!?
Nooooooo
Not cool. I haven't been on here in a while. Bridal shower was fun. Moving is, well, moving. Baby is getting much bigger. Wedding is this FRIDAY!!! Honeymoon to who-knows-where! (Surprises!) Exciting. Work could be going a little smoother but ya know. I felt the baby last week and then we went to our appt. and found out the feet are by my belly button so it was definitely the bambino. That was exciting! And the heart rate went from 150s to 150s-160s. Girl! That's what I think at least. Alexis Evelyn Shick. Or for a boy, Caleb James Shick. Anyway, I have to go to bed for I am sick. And tired.

5 comments | feedback

greenpixiestix

:: 2006 27 May :: 10.41am

Listen up, y'all
All you Michigan people better get your asses out to Skelletones in Grand Rapids on 6/18. From A Second Story Window, Cattle Decapitation, Misery Index, Job For a Cowboy, and ANIMOSITY are gonna be playing. Go go go!

stinko

:: 2006 26 May :: 8.43pm
:: Music: angels and airwaves

i cannot live i can't breathe unless you do this with me
so underoath were sweet.
and now i have to wait like a month for their new cd to come out.
damn. that show was kick ass!
as cities burn were great too.
and mi hermono had a good time too.

holla!

:: 2006 25 May :: 12.57am
:: Mood: not bad. not anything.

lamb...

first off - funny quote of the day:

"skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
- dave barry

---------------------

okay. work was normal. i did stuff. theoretically got paid for it. life goes on.

i was overcome with this overwhelming desire to call shannon. and what made it more difficult is i know she would have wanted me to. but i had to make use of what little willpower i have, and say no. i will see her friday night. just repeat the mantra, i guess. i feel like i should channel that energy i get into something productive, though. like, when i want to call her and talk to her, i should do something else instead. like she did with my memory box, or something. but i'm not as creative like that, so i don't know. i'll have to come up with something. i suppose i could write. i would be writing a lot. i could keep a pad and pen in the truck though. but i usually have to be in a different mindset to write. i dunno. we'll give it a shot.

the reading thing has worked well in that regard, i suppose. which i've been continuing. i finished part one of lamb, and will now proceed to post up my favorite quotes:

"'i'm thinking of being a professional mourner. how hard can it be? tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.'
'his father is a stonemason,' joshua said. 'we may both learn that skill.' at my urging, my father had offered to take joshua on as an apprentice if joseph approved.
'or a shepherd,' i added quickly. 'being a shepherd seems easy. i went with kaliel last week to tend his flock. the law says that two must go with the flock to keep an abomination from happening. i can spot an abomination from fifty paces.'
maggie smiled. 'and did you prevent any abominations?'
'oh yes, i kept all of the abominations at bay while kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes.'
'biff,' joshua said gravely, 'that was the abomination you were supposed to prevent.'
'it was?'
'yes.'
'whoops. oh well, i think i would make an excellent mourner. do you know the words of any dirges, maggie? i'm going to need to learn some dirges.'"

::

"with the tip of his sword, justus guided my gaze to apollo's stone penis, which lay in the dirt next to the two corpses. 'and do you want to explain how that happened?'
'the pox?' i ventured.
'the pox can do that,' maggie said. 'can rot it right off.'
'how do you know that?' joshua asked her.
'just guessing. i'm sure glad that's all over.'
justus let his sword fall to his side with a sigh. 'go home. all of you. by order of gaius justus gallicus, under-commander of the sixth legieon, commander of the third and fourth centuries, under authority of emperor tiberius and the roman empire, you are all commanded to go home and perpetrate no weird shit until i have gotten well drunk and had several days to sleep it off.'"

::

"'we have to find out a couple of things before joshua starts being the messiah,' i said.
'like what?' john seemed as if he would start crying again.
'well, like where joshua left his destiny and whether or not he's allowed to, uh, have an abomination with a woman.'
'it's not an abomination if it's with a woman,' josh added.
'it's not?'
'nope. sheep, goats, pretty much any animal - it's an abomination. but with a woman, it's something totally different.'
'what about a woman and a goat, what's that?' asked john.
'that's five shekels in damascus,' i said. 'six if you want to help.'
joshua punched me in the shoulder.
'sorry, old joke.' i grinned. 'couldn't resist.'"

::

so, apparantly my favorite parts circle around the singing of dirges and bestiality.

that explains a lot.