::
2004 27 January :: 10.23 pm
:: Mood: happy
today....what a lovely day. i went to school and jessica and louise very nicely waited for me as sarah, lynn and stephanie walked ( wagging their hips) off to the lockers. so we had class and stuff and it was boring. at lunch the crazy 3rd grader (only one today cause her friend was absent) attacked us and she decide to chase me around in a circle as i was yelling "stop it" and was hitting her but not very hard. louise got her to leave us alone by getting her some candy.
i've come to the conclusion that sarah is using me for rides home from school. the first words she said to me today were "what do we do in math?" next time i'll just say "i dont know. you have it next find out for yourself" dumbasses. so she only talks to me after school when we are giving her a ride home. i'm so tired of her. only 3 months and 5 days left that i'm stuck being around her. HAPPINESS.
during science it was fun. some girls dad came in to show us experiments dealing with chemistry. it was cool. he did the thing where you freeze a plant and drop it and it breaks. of course during the best science period of the year we had to have 1 1/2 fire drills. first we had a big one then the fire alarm went off again and we were told to go out then when we were half way out there they told us to go in. makes me mad.
i got an 85% on my science test. i thought i was gonna get an f so its good.
i also got all my averages for this thing i do into the 20's and thats really good so i'm proud of myself.
bye
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 26 January :: 9.04 pm
:: Mood: pissed
:: Music: linkin park
hello. so today was very boring. i hate school a lot. during religion class i was drawing on my book and when we were reading out of it i decided to ask jennifer if i could add a "decoration" to a picture in her book. At first she didnt want to give it to me because she doesn't trust me to be nice to her stuff but eventually she did and i drew what i think is a very nice set of wood chuck teeth on this woman who is smiling. i am very proud of my artistic abilities. so during 6th and 7th periods i have to listen to luc and a.j talk about pretty much anything and they never stop. so then luc decided to talk to jessie who sits in the row next to mine and i thought i he was talking to me. he was saying some mean things i dont remember so i said "shut up luc" and then aj turned around and said 'did you think he was talking to you?" and i said "yes" while my face turned red. it wouldnt have been so bad if i hadnt changed colors. stupid pale skin.
during recess i found out something really gross. there is a girl named elizabeth and she has this creepy stalkerish crush on this guy, seth. she has pictures of him without his shirt on and pictures from behind a fence. she also writes "elizabeth loves seth" a lot of places. its really really weird. so on one of the tables in the science lab somebody wrote "elizabeth wants to fuck seth" and she was crying and he was pissed. i have a bit of sympathy for her but i dont think she should of taken her crush to the point that seth is afraid of her. so in a way i think she kind of desearves the humiliation. i am very mean.
jessica, i am sorry but i'm gonna do it again. so this is a very nice "knock knock" joke from a movie.
knock knock.
(you) who's there?
go fuck yaself
i dont really know why but i think that it is really funny.
during p.e today we had to do this really gay thing to practice our lay ups. i hate basketball and i am really bad it. so we spent about half the period practicing them then we got to go and play basketball on our own. i've discovered throwing a basketball at a target is very difficult. i think a war between me and jessica (toni ann on my side) began after i gave a really hard high five to her for fun cause i know it hurts. (once again i'm mean) so we were trying to hit eachother with the ball. i threw it at her and missed. she threw it at me and she hit my stomache. i threw it at her and i missed. she kept it for a while and make a basket then i tried to get the ball. a little while later she threw it again and it hit my stomache. then i got the ball and waited for her to get near then threw it at her and i missed again. then i gave toni ann the ball and she threw it and she missed. so jessica won the little battle.
dude there is this bitch named jessica (l) from my school and she is a prep. with a big ass attitude. i just went on my other sn to see if someone blocked me and then she imed me and asked me who i was and stuff. then she said "whats up" and i said "nothing" then she said "bye" stupid ass bitch. its not like i really care if she likes me because i know all the popular people hate me but at least be nice. nothing bothers me more than people who are mean and rude. i cant wait to graduate and get away from them. i'm gonna had her to my list of people i want to inflict severe pain upon.
i really hate that feeling when you are so mad you want to cry but you are not that sad. i feel like that a lot. i'm sure if i think about my aunt or mr.vane though it will only be a few seconds before i cry. i think its amazing how just one rude thing can completely chang my mood. i'm too sensitive. i need to work on that a lot. last night as i lay in bed i realized that i hadnt cried since wednesday and i was trying to make it a week without crying but then someone says something and i cant. i made it 5 days though...pretty good. in the beginning of last year i felt like i was strong and doing good. i listened to my sister's problems and didnt get upset by anything. the only emotion i knew was stress and happiness, not sadness. now it seams like i know a form of happiness and stress and sadness. (if you are tired of hearing about me "evaluate" myself i'd stop reading if i was you.) i think that i'm slowly coming out of this "depression" which is good. i'm tired of it and having people say "i know these deaths have affected you a lot but everyone dies". yes, the deaths have affected me a lot but i dont want sympathy. i want to do it myself. my mom likes to play the hero too and try to solve all my problems with a doctor or something. i feel like this entry isnt really complete but i'm tired and hungry. bye.
4 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 25 January :: 10.44 pm
:: Music: tim mcgraw (sp)
today was a long day. it started out with me waking up to the smell of bacon my mom was cooking. i hate the smell of bacon in the morning cause it gets eveywhere so you go some place and you smell like bacon. then i had to put away my laundry and i asked my sister to put hers away. she just sat there and didnt move so i asked her again and she started to yell at me. shes a stupid ass. she always makes sure i am aware of the fact that i'm the youngest and i can't tell her what to do. having all my sisters is like 5 moms and only one real mom who can tell me what to do and stuff. i kinda wish i had 1 one brother and only 3 sisters. that would have been nice.
so i went to church for the confirmation thing i mentioned yesterday and it was boring. i really embarrassed myself cause i was wearing these gayass black pants that i hate and this stupid shirt but it was better than wearing a skirt. skirts are dumb and must only be worn on occasions when they tell you you must.
jessica just remined me of our science experiement:mold. we were supposed to keep a daily log of it and how it's changed but i've failed to do that. i feel bad cause she and toni ann have been responsible and doing it but i have not.
today was very cold. i'm not complaining though cause i know that the east coast has been much cooler but i was outside for 2 1/2 hours without a sweat shirt. if it weren't for the wind it would have been warmer and the sun would have been nice but of course the wind has to ruin everything. the only time the wind is nice is when it is very rainy and the wind is pounding the rain into a window. i like that noise...its very good to listen to as you're trying to go to sleep at least i think so.
i think i'm developing a strange obsession with glue. its very fun to play with. i think i could sit in an empty room with nothing in it except for me and a bottle glue and i would not be bored all day. i made up some dumb little rhyme thing for glue. dont laugh at me for writing it but laugh it cause its so dumb its funny or just dont laugh.
I love you my dear precious glue.
yup there it is. pretty stupid so go ahead and make fun of it but dont tell me what you think if its bad.
i probably should have written this on saturday but i'll write it now. I didnt get any c's on my progress report. that makes me really happy. i think if i hadnt slacked off in 6th grade i would have gotten b's and an occasional A in all subjects but since i did it put me behind so i had to make up that ground. I'VE DONE IT! yay. i've caught up so now i'm not dumb. i like having all b's. i want to get it so my lowest grade is a b not a b- for my report card. that will be hard though cause i think i just got a low grade on a dumbass science test.
golden globes are on right now and i'm not watching them for the first time in 3 years. breaking tradition is tough. bye
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 24 January :: 9.38 pm
Nicole, the sickass
ok so I'm on aim right now and there is a girl named nicole who is also on. So I looked in her profile and this is what I found:
JASON -
her: ill lite da candels
jason: hell wit the candles
her: lol
jason: letz just get to the good stuf
jason: lol
her: ok
her: let get goin den
jason: k
jason: do we hafta use condoms?
her: up 2 u
jason: ok then
jason: no condoms
her: lets go
DUDE shes so nasty. Only nasty sickass perverts talk about that and then put in their profiles.
so i went to go practice softball with my dad and sarah and her dad. bad idea. first she sucks. thats an understatement. she was dreadfull. dreadfull is a good word to describe her. shes has a really good arm and minimal catching abilities. she doesnt know how to hit but when she does manage to touch the ball it goes far. so her dad was completely favoring her perhaps cause she was so bad. now i'm not trying to be conceded but i know how to bat and bunt and throw and catch and run the bases. so her dad was trying to teach how to do all these things. its like DUDE YOU DONT HAVE TO SHOW ME IF I ALREADY KNOW! i'm not saying i'm really good but i do have all the fundemental skills down which is important to becoming better. its not my fault if sarah is worse and she needs more practice at doing things right. Dude when she was batting she kept sticking her butt out. You cant put power behind the ball when ur butt is practically sticking out of the batting box. It pisses me off. The thing that pissed me off the most was when she was batting and her dad kept telling her "ok now 2 more" over and over. when i was up though he said "ok 5" then i hit 5 and he said "5 more". you may say "marilyn, why are you complaining, you got ten?" but the thing was he started sarah out with ten too but kept adding 2 more. So i was stuck shagging the balls she hit for like 10 minutes straight. I did like the running though, it was fun. so tomorrow we have tryouts and i'm nervous i'm gonna be on a team without anyone i know. thats always bad cause then i get stuck hanging out with the annoying girls because i'm shy.
tomorrow is also the day called "presentation of the candidates" for confirmation. in case you havent figured it out, i'm catholic. such a boring religion really. i dont particularly like it all that much but my mom is forcing me to get confirmed. i chose my sponsor to be this lady named beverly. she's known me since i was a baby and says that she used to watch me while my mom worked at ccd. i dont remember her but when i saw her this year again we were talking for a long time while cutting red ribbons (very boring) and she was telling me all about my "babyhood". then she started talking about her family situation and i was very surprised by how open she was. most people dont like to talk about their personal lives with 13 year olds but since she did i tried to be as polite as i could and ask questions that were not rude or past the limit. i found out that her husband died when he was fairly young and now she helps her daughter raise her sons. i was surprised also that she swore in front of me. most people feel the need to watch their tounges in front of people my age as to not set a bad example. i suppose they dont realize that everyone my age except for straight A perfect mommas boy/girls dont. yes so anyway the situation of her family of very complex and it would probably take me a large amount of time to figure it out.
this is just a random thought: Why are there ridges on the top orange part of bottles of glue? maybe i'm just and idiot for not being able to figure it out but i really dont get it. lol. ok so if you think you know or have just a guess please put it in a comment.
well i have to go eat dinner right now. bye bye
5 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 24 January :: 4.44 pm
hello. i'm gonna start with yesterday today. in the morning i went to school and we went to mass at 8:30. Everything was fine with mass up until about 5 minutes before it started. In our church there is a door at the back and a little off to the left of the altar. So a priest with gray hair, apparently quite old, came hobbling out of it with a cane and took about 3 minutes to get to the chair on the altar where he was going to sit. Well this is the bad part: when I as well as many others saw him come out of the door we all thought it was Father Don. Father Don is my favorite priest because he's really friendly and his homilys don't put you to sleep like every other priest. Whenever I see him he says hello to me and when I'm helping in the parish office for school hours he gives me a hug. To me he is more like a grandpa than a priest. That really worried me until I looked closer and saw that it wasnt him.
The day went smoothly until science when something bad happened but i dont really feel like writing about it cause its long and I its not that big of a deal. then after school jessica and louise came over to study which we did....for about 5 minutes.
Today I woke up at 7:00 cause I had to get ready to go take the highschool placement test. I think I did well except for the patterns section. Personally I think that the only section our teachers didnt over prepare us for was the patterns. So the test went by really fast and it wasnt TOO hard or boring. i will admit that about half way through I though I would fall asleep.
When I got home a very nice surprise was sitting on the table. Apparently my sister had come by earlier in the morning because all her wedding pictures were in albums on the table. I really think that her husband (*squirms*i hate calling him that) is really ugly. A few years ago when she first met him he didnt have a double chin at all. In fact he was handsome...a whole lot better than now. So in every picture he is in his chin is the only thing I see. Also I think the photagrapher was dumb because he tried to take these "casual" looking pictures where he had everyone opening their mouth or smiling like they were all having a great time. the only problem with doing that is its very obvious. So all the pictures that i'm in look like I have black teeth because i'm such a stupid ass I picked dark blue for my braces. The photagrapher also took one of me and my sister crying because I was being very emotional. Now I will tell you why exactly these pictures are so special. I told you about Richard I think. Well he is in quite a few of these pictures due to the fact he was the flowergirl escort who was his sister. I told a few people that he is hot but I may have exaggerated a bit. He's more very nice looking than hot cause he's still young. When he gets older though.....
i'm hungry and i havent eaten lunch. bye
2 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 21 January :: 11.46 pm
:: Mood: joyous
Hi! So today I'm going to start out with a really (in my opinion) good dream.
So I was at school and this guy I really used to like and still like a little named Justin aka b.e.k (Billy Elliot Kid cause he looks just like jamie bell who is the star of the movie billy elliot) was back at school. (He graduated last year) At school we were working on a group project and he came up behind me and then I turned around and he gave me a hug. It was a truly nice hug because I thought he was so hot and stuff. Then he helped my group do our group project as if he were back in 8th grade. I felt in the dream that somehow we were friends but it was a fuzzy feeling. After that we went to all our classes and then when the school day ended we were talking outside. I am not sure what we were talking about but I remember having a really really special feeling--one that doesn't usually happen. When he finally had to leave with his sister I stared after him for a while until Louise told me we had to go. The next day at school I arrived at went to my locker and he was standing there and we were talking for a while until the bell rang. Back in class Miss Doherty put on some history movie and for some reason everyone was laying down in rows. Bek came over near me and my friends and laid down next to me. He was smiling and it was nice. So this part doesn't really make sense but it switched over to him sitting on one of the tables in the class room and me and Louise and Jessica and Sarah were crowded around him talking and laughing. Sadly, that is where my dream ended because my mom came in and woke me up. I of course know that that dream will never come true no matter but its just fun to think about.
now for the school part of this entry. Today was pretty good minus the locker thing this morning. Allow me to explain. Last night I didn't lock my lock on my locker and niether did a few other people. So some asshole kids decided they would switch everyone's lock around and close it. There were no punishments for whoever did it nor did anyone even try to figure it out who they were. Unfortunately for the people who had it done to them Mr. Sigfried had to come in and break our locks this morning so we could get our books. So by the end of the day my locker was all screwed up because as he was breaking the lock he jammed the door a bit and my lock completely fell apart. Oh how I love those evil vandalizers (sp?) who did that to my lock.
During L.A class I now sit in the last set of the row with an uneven amount of chair things. That, however, is not the bad part. The bad part is I sit behind A.J and he sits right across from his best friend Luc (gayass way of spelling it) and they talk nonstop. Its so fuckin annoying. Luc is always saying "aj aj aj remember the time......." and i just want to yell "DUDE FUCKIN SHUT UP! I THINK HE KNOWS HIS NAME...YOU SAY IT ENOUGH!". Luc is also a true Lucifer (it even has his name in it lol) he has the worst attitude of anyone in our class besides Shawn who is a different and longer story. He is always telling people to shut up and if you say something to him he's just like "you're dumb be quiet". I would love to swing a baseball bat at him and hurt him really bad cause he needs it. Hmm...perhaps it would teach him a lesson. Perhaps thats all some people need, a good healthy beating. Wow I am sound really awfull right now. I really can't help it though. (jessica, you know who just came on but i'll probly tell you before you read this) I have a very long list of those I would love to beat. I'll name a few:
Fr. Kiefer, Miss Doherty, Mrs. Saunders, Corey, Luc, Shawn and there are several more which includes preps and stuff.
Today Miss Doherty, who hates president Bush and arnold schwartzenneger, (sp.) made it very clear yet again her political views. Brad raised his hand for Daily News video thing we do and said "pres. bush got applauded 72 times" and then she said "amazingly enough, yes' its like dude shut the fuck up. hes our president whether you like it or not so just live with it!! god damn all these people who make you feel bad for having different political views (jennifer and erin). dude i mean the war was necessary in iraq cause in i think that sadaam was a modern day Hitler. maybe thats just me.
i have to go but i will most deffinately write more about this tomorrow.
5 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 20 January :: 8.34 pm
:: Music: coldplay
so last night i stopped in the middle of an entry because my dad came in and i got mad at him cause he was trying to read the screen and he sent me to bed. dude i'm fuckin 13 and he sends me to bed at fuckin 8:50 on the one night that i was all rested on. so i will continue from the middle of the sentence i left off on.
When I thought about the thing of would u be friends with your siblings and parents if you didnt know them I decided that I probably wouldnt be. I do love my family but I dont necessarily like them. My first sister is an idiot. My second sister thinks too highly of herself and her friends all have no ambitions. My third sister has a brain injury which causes her to be a bit weird, not retarded, just weird. (did i use the commas right?) My fourth sister acts so weird around her friends its disgusting. I wonder still if she is a lesbian and in denial. Once in a while she'll say "blah blah blah is so hot" but thats once in maybe 3 months. So both of my parents I can't see being very good to look up to. The rest of my extended family (i know this wasnt part of the question) is a bunch of drunks and snobby Abercrombies except for one of my cousins who I think I would be friends with.
i dont know what else to say so i guess i'm done. bye
1 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 19 January :: 11.22 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: moulin rouge music
today for the most part was good. then my dad came home. i love my dad dont get me wrong but sometimes i honestly hate him. i think both of my parents are bi-polar (sp). today however was especially bad. my mom was mad at me in the car on the way to this weird thing i have to do cause i told her she sings bad. dude she was trying to sing along with the song and shes really bad. i just asked her to be quiet. i admit though that i did have an attitude. so then i went to the tutor or whatever u want to call it and she said i was improving. my mom was happy. we got home and went to work on my spanish homework and some applications. they ask me to make the salad and i get a little irritated cause i did a lot of chores all day. so as i was making the salad like always my dad decided to tell me how do it the "right" way (which i've never done before cause nothing is ever up to his standards). i got pissed and said "dad, i'll never make it perfectly so leave me alone." then he went into his speach about how i have a "mouth" and yelled. my dads version of yelling is a normal person's scream because he's half deaf. god hes such a mean ass. so they were angry at me and they made me sit on the couch and watch jeopardy. i would rather have gone over to them and beaten the shit out of my fuckin parents. my dad needs a spoonfull of his own fuckin medicine.
i thought of this a while back so i'll share it with you this is assuming you have parents and siblings. So if you weren't related to your parents and siblings do you think you would associate with them?
when i thought about that
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 19 January :: 5.14 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: SCHOOL OF ROCK!
TODAY MY SISTER CAME OVER WITH HER DOG WHO HAS ADD. THAT DOG JUMPS EVERYWHERE AND ATTTACKS AND LICKS AND BARKS. I GAVE HER THE WEDDING PRESENT I'VE HAD IN MY ROOM SINCE EARLY DECEMBER. I'VE ALMOST FINISHED MY APPLICATION FOR THE OTHER HIGH SCHOOL I'M APPLYING TO. SUCH PAIN-IN-THE-ASS WORK.
I LIKE PIGS. THEY R NICE. WE USED TO HAVE A COCKER SPANIEL NAMED TIGGER AND WE CALLED HIM PIG EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME WAS TIGGER CAUSE HE ATE A LOT AND WAS FAT. I MISS HIM. ON SATURDAY I STARTED TO CRY CAUSE I THOUGHT OF HIM AT A RESTARAUNT. IT WAS SAD.
JUST NOW SOME MEAN ASS KICKED ME OUT OF A CHAT CAUSE I TOLD HIM I WOULDNT SHUT UP. THATS SO MEAN. I WONDER HOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY MAKE FRIENDS THAT WAY. I ALWAYS TRY TO BE NICE AND THEN EVERYONE HAS AN ATTITUDE. AM I NICE??? I THINK I'M NICE. I HOPE I AM. MY SISTER JUST CAME HOME! :( FINE THEN I'LL JUST NOT LISTEN TO MY MUSIC!
i have to go to this weid thing at 3:45 and i have to do something before that so i'm gonna go. bye bye
2 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 18 January :: 4.14 pm
yesterday i went to san francisco which was fun. its supposed to be the gay capitol of the world but when ur walking around there isnt many gay people. in fact i seemed to have seen more straight couples. i also saw a butt load of "abercrombies" i would like to run over to them and beat them and kick them till they go home and take back every single abercrombie clothing piece they have.
so yesterday was my sisters birthday and we were eating a shit load of candy and stuff cause of those damned free samples ghiradelli square has. those caramel filled chocolate ones are so good. (if you've never been to Ghiradelli Square you need to go) so when we got home my dad made us dinner and i could barely eat it cause i was so stuffed. then we had chocolate cake and by the end of the night i think i gained like 30 pounds or something.
i've got nothing more to say but i'll just be annoying for a bit.
HEY LA HEY LA MY BOYFRIENDS BACK. JUST KIDDING I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!
if u was smart youngin u'd stop reading right now. oh well its not like u have a choice cause i'm not gonna write anymore.
bye
1 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 14 January :: 9.43 pm
:: Music: enya and other sad music
gay ass people
there is a kid corey and his locker is right above mine in the locker room. everyday i'm nice to him and when hes at his locker first i let him get his shit out before i go and get my stuff out. whenever i'm at my locker he comes over and pushes me out of the way very suddely (sp) but i do notice since hes done it practically every time i get there first. will it honestly kill him to wait two minutes for me to finish???? so i've decided everytime he does it i'm just going to drop a book on his head "accidentally". if he does it a second time i'll drop two books on his head and so on untill he decides its not worth it to push me out of the way anymore. i think that i forgive to easily and thats my problem. once again i'm gonna bring up sarah. ok she pisses me off really really bad. yet when she talks to me and she is nice i try to give her a second chance in hopes that maybe she will have changed. the truth is that sarah will never change. shes always gonna be a spoiled brat who doesnt care about grades or anything else except for guys. dude she is the most spoiled person i've ever met in my life. i mean she asks for something and almost always she gets it. her sister sets a really bad example and her parents r too easy on her. in ten years if i saw her i bet she'd be working at some really bad job and have 3 kids at home one of who would be like 8 or 9 years old. i worry about her. i've probly said all this a thousand times but it just makes me so unbelievably mad. i know this sounds bad but i'm gonna keep on good terms with her cause i wanna play softball but not by myself so i dont want everyone to hate me who i'll be playing with.
i feel like my journal entrys are just a place where i complain so much and nothing is very interesting cause i write about the same stuff so much. so i'll try to write about positve things a bit more but nothing in my life is really that positive right now.
some good news is that it was cloudy today and drizzled a little but nothing substantial like i had hoped for. some other good news is on saturday i'm going to san francisco which i love. only problem is that its not gonna be rainy.
san francisco i think is prettiest when its rainy. the golden gate bridge is surrounded by clouds and theres only one or two boats on the bay which are usually coast guard or the fairies. and then u can be on market street and look down the hill and then theres a cable car going up. the funny thing is lumbard is a famous streeet for having so many turns it but i didnt think it was all that great when i went on it the first time. i'm probly boring u to death with all my babbling about san francisco. i think everyone should have a city or spot that they absolutely love and feel perfect at. i guess san francisco is that place for me. even when it is in summer and sunny its a different feeling but a good one.
back to bitterness. i was thinking about how sarah and stephanie always call eachother "chicken" and "toot" and then i thought that someday they r gonna realize how stupid they sound and be so embarrassed that ever did that. serves them right they act like such dumbasses its truly disgusting. i've thought this through since writing how i was gonna keep on good terms with her cause of soft ball. is soft ball really worth being nice and putting up with all the shit that an idiot like her has? whoever leaves a comment (not like anyone expcept jessica does ~sniffs~ my feelings r hurt) please tell me if its worth it cause i really dont know and right now i'm leaning toward the "its not worth it" side. is it hard to identify shapes? i dont think its that hard. mabye thats just me. i mean it was at first but when u've u been learning it for 3 years its pretty hard to forget.
right now this enya is making me cry cause whenever i listen to it i think of my aunt marie and my teacher, mister vane who died. i really miss them. at my aunts funeral my sister started crying as she was doing one of the readings and it was so sad. just remembering all the stories she had stored in her brain makes me so sad cause i never got to listen to a lot of them. just before we found out she had cancer i started to get interested in her stories and then 6 or 7 months later she was gone taking with her so much of history. i think that what makes it a bit harder is that she died 10 days before my birthday and then mr. vane died exactly 1 month after my birthday. when i was at my aunts funeral my daddy (go ahead make fun of me for putting that i really dont care) took me out side and i started to cry really hard and that was one of those really good times that a dad is there for u. then when i came home from mr. vanes funeral i ran up to my room and started crying really hard into my pillow. that was one of the worst feelings i've ever had in my life. i know it sounds like i'm feeling sorry for myself but perhaps by writing about it i'll be able to move on a bit. i mean i want to remember everything and how much i love both of them and what made them special to me but crying all the time is just not fun after a while. i good cry that kinda lets out all ur emotions is important every now and then but not like this. a good cry isnt supposed to be almost everyday and they r'nt supposed to make u feel worse. its seems like lately i'm either really angry or really sad. even when i'm laughing and in a good mood i never feel quite like i used to before everything happened. i dont like it how some people say "well its a new year. u've got to try to forget about last year and start fresh." dont they know its not that easy i mean if it was then no one would feel sad for very long because it would all go away the 1st of the year. i think i'm gonna go up to my room for a while and think then go to bed a bit earlier than i have been lately.
1 did |
Go fuck yourself |
::
2004 12 January :: 11.24 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: enya
right now i'm in 8th grade. we've been learning about geometry since 5th grade. wouldnt u think that by now everyone would know how to find the area of a figure???? well apparently some people dont! how they dont know by now is a miracle. i mean is it really that hard? i've had 2 people ask me tonight how to find it. i dont even have an A or B (maybe a B- but probly not) in math and i know! i complain way to much. sorry.
so now i would just like to share some cheery news. the creepy molester guy from across the street is moving and is almost out. so i'm happy about that. also the weather person said its gonna rain tomorrow. however they have been saying that for the past week so i'm not sure it will.
the rain is so much better than the sun. i hate the summer. especially in california cause its to hot. i think that oregon would be a better place to live cause it rains more. but england would be the best place to live.
(excuse as i switch subjects and go on to other stuff thats not related at all) right now i'm having that really sad feeling that kinda sweeps over u all at once out of no where. i get that a lot but it doesnt ever get easier. i really wish that my aunt and teacher wouldnt have died. it just seems like everyone u want to live dies first and everyone who deserves to die lives. its getting close to a year now after my aunts death but i still feel like i went to her funeral yesterday. when i saw her laying in the casket motionless and completly colored with pasty make up and stuff it didnt look like her. she should have had barely any powder on and lipstick a bit outside the lines. everything was to perfect. i wish i hadnt seen her like that. i wish i hadnt seen her in the hospital . thinking of all the pain and suffering she went through makes me feel awfull that i'm okay and i've never had to go through that. old people dont deserve so much pain that the strongest medicine will only take the edge off it. i think that i can now understand why people who r that gravely ill would want to end their lives. yet at the same time i would think they would want to hold on as long as possible. sometimes i go to school and try to act happy and cheerfull but on the inside i know its just an act to try to help me forget about my problems. i know that some people who go to school with me probably dont believe me but it is honestly what i do.
i need to go.
1 did |
Go fuck yourself |
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2004 11 January :: 8.58 pm
today was good up untill about an hour ago. my dumbass sister is a history major and shes had good grades all her life. i on the other hand have had b's and c's all my life. i dont think i've ever gotten higher than a b- in math. since my dad was also a history major and now a lawyer and my sister is following in his footsteps he favors her. so today i was supposed to be working on my outline for my research paper. i wanted to do it on the computer so i wouldnt have to transfer it on later. mary (my sister. i lied about the names in the previous journal entry with her in it) told me that i had to hand write it first. i asked her why and she said that if she were my teacher she would make me hand write it first. SO FUCKING WHAT???? SHES NOT MY FUCKING TEACHER SO I DONT HAVE TO DO IT THE WAY SHE WANTS! of course my dad agreed with her so i had to hand write it. the fucking bitch.
i know that i make it sound like my life is so terrible and i should be thankfull that i'm not getting beaten and stuff but i really get pissed.
the problem that i have with my family is that if i tell my mom anything it gets around to ever person who lives with us and her friends and even my dads clients. its so hard to trust anyone in my house. i suppose thats a big reason i come here to write cause even if someone tells everyone what i've written it wont get back to my family. its pretty sad that i tell a computer and people i dont know more about me than i tell my family.
today i thought i was gonna make it all day without having the urge to cry. well this afternoon i discovered i was wrong. the reason is my sister. dont u think because she is gonna be 22 in a couple of weeks she should move out? i think she should....tomorrow would be a nice day to move.
i think i try hard enough in school. i work hard and study when i have a test complete nearly all of my work on time or before the due date. the thing is no matter how hard i try my dad will never think its good enough! i might as well stop trying to please him and put that extra effort into something that will have benefits. the only way to please him is to be mary and he doesnt have 5 marys. he has 4 other individual girls who work hard and do the best they can. why cant he see that? maybe not all of our decisions have been the smartest but when we make them we r trying to do what we think is right. ITS CALLED A FUCKING MISTAKE! APPARENTLY HE DOESNT THINK THAT PEOPLE R MORTAL! god it pisses me off. i could name several mistakes he has made in his life but i dont. for some reason i dont understand he brings up all my mistakes. for example i'm going to tell u a story that always gets brought up to make me embarrased...little do they know i'm not embarrassed by it anymore.
so when i was 8 years old i went to a birthday party sleepover thing in a hotel. well that night everyone who was there was having fun and doing stuff. at about midnight everyone had fallen asleep accept for me, stephanie, louise, and rebecca and maybe another person. so we were flipping through channels and we came across a porn movie. because we were 8 and curious we decided to watch it. in the movie there lesbian sex and other stuff i dont really want to get into. a few days later rebecca (i think) told her mom because she was crying because of what she saw and i suppose the guilt. so it got around to all the parents of kids that were there and my parents approached me about it. i told them that i watched it and i was sorry. i think i got grounded but i'm not exactly sure. now when they r trying to embarrass me they bring that story up and i'm sure that everyone in my extended family and my parents friends and strangers probably know what i did.
so thats how low my family will get in trying to embarrass people. i mean that happened like 5 years ago. at some point they need to forget about it.
done for now. bye
1 did |
Go fuck yourself |
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2004 10 January :: 10.03 pm
:: Music: school of rock soundtrack
2 journal entries today cause i'm bored. i like the school of rock soundtrack and that movie. it comes out in march good movie. nice drummer. hot drummer actually is the better adjective.
i have these very special slippers i want to tell u about. they r rudolf the reindeer slippers and when u walk the nose lights up. yup kind of juvenille but i dont care cause they r nice. the only problem is either my feet r really thick or they r really thick cause there is so much cotton in them that my foot can barely squeeze into it. lol i'm sure u just care so much about it.
jessicas journal entry put me in a really good mood cause it was funny. so thank u jessica.
"you know how most dogs lick you on the cheek? If you're sleeping and not ready for it, my dog, Joe, will get his tongue inside your mouth. It by far the worst kiss I've ever had." lol thats what will estes from american dreams said.
american dreams thats a nice subject. its a really good show. its way better than touched by an angel which i used to be forced to watch when i was little. (sorry for skipping around subjects, i'll get back to american dreams in a bit) so touched by an angel is the dumbest show i think in the history of t.v. so in every episode the angels would talk in the beginning then they would be sent on a mission to save the person from doing something bad or whatever. then at the end of the show during the part where the angel was doing her saving stuff she would say "i am angel" ~light shines down showing her holieness~ "sent by god to help you" ~person being helped crying~ "a...an..angel?" ~angel~ "yes! god doesnt want u to do this!its not to late yet" `~person~ "nah. god doesnt love me. h-howcome he never cared earlier?" angel "he did but u could never see" and then some other stuff and the person would say "i'm so sorry" and then some cheesy lines while talking to god.
pretty dumb so back to american dreams tomorrow cause i gotta go eat dinner and dont have enough patience to write any more
1 did |
Go fuck yourself |
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2004 10 January :: 1.24 pm
highschool tests r coming up in 2 weeks and i realized that i'm not very prepared. so many people r applying to the school i'm wondering if i'm gonna get it now. i deffinately dont want to pres cause its to preppy and i strongly despise preps more than any other "type" of person. well actually its kind of a tie between preps and those who dont try at all.
because i'm on the subject of people who dont try i would like to share with u a poem i wrote last night. its called: Sarah
You are so dumb with much potential to do more
After hearing 500 x's about "guy sightings" conversations with you are such a bore.
It seems like "chicken" and "hot guy" are the only words you know
I would so love to make you smart and your brain grow
You really are hopeless, that is no lie!
By an abusive boyfriend is probably how you'll die
The teacher doesn't flunk you because they hate you, Dumbass
If you put effort into your work maybe you'd pass
I'm tired of you blaming your problems on others around
Sometimes it's your fault is what I have found
Even if you use a little common sense you'll go far
And perhaps you'll get a little over par
Try harder and talk like a smart person is all that I ask
It is really that difficult of a task?
that was mostly directed at sarah and stephanie but lynn a little. it just pisses me off they r so stupid and dont try AT ALL! also i think that they r not real friends cause maybe its just me but true friends dont talk behind eachothers back. the worst thing that they ever did was this thing they called the "slam book" aka make fun of people and put them down. so they would have that book and write in it and then give it to the next person every night. stephanie, who was involved with this book, told me that my name was mentioned in it as well as louise. yes, this was sometime last year but it still hurts that they would do that. the way that i found out about this "slam book" was when sarah (figures it would be her) had it after school and i asked her about it but she would not tell me what it is. naturally i knew that if she wouldnt tell me about it then it wasnt good. DO THEY HAVE NO HEARTS??? apparently not. she fucking sat in my car with that book and wouldnt tell me about it! just thinking about it right now makes me want to go beat the shit out of her and the rest of them. i cant wait untill i graduate so i can be done with them and not be afraid my "friends" hate me and make fun of me behind my back. thats one of the worst feelings ever. so now i'm just gonna say it: i no longer consider them "good" friends. they r just people i talk to at school and when sarah pesters me on the weekends. >:( (i'm not very good with the smiles) i think that they just cant accept that maybe they r'nt the best CAUSE THEY R THE FUCKIN WORST! all of them need to be pounded into the ground! the only things they care about are guys and that nasty rap that talks about fucking and only fucking. i hate that type of rap cause some rap is okay but its all these big fat nasty "pimps" and their sickass girls who walk around in practically nothing all day (at least in the videos). i know that guys like to see women like that but its everywhere and it pisses me off.
let me describe sarah's outward appearence to u and then tell u what she says and does. ok she is about 5'4, acne on tan skin which is gross. she is fat. there is no way around it. her belly sticks out. her arms r bigger than average. she also has bigass sick boobs that make me want to puke.
so now i'll tell u what she says and does. ok so at dances with other schools and even at school she does this thing where she kinda like "picks up" her boobs and lets them drop. it is so revolting! she dresses like a slut- low cut shirts, shorts up to her butt (which is fat and disgusting) and she puts this ugly cover up on to hide her acne but its like orange and shes a browner color. gross thing number 2: so at our school we wear uniforms. girls have the choice of a skirt, shorts or pants. she wears the skirt and at lunch and recess and stuff after they ditch me louise and jessica they go to the middle of the yard and she ALWAYS pulls her skirt up higher and higher like it isnt high enough before she adjusts it! and then her and stephanie do this thing with there leg where they stick it out as far as it will go and then they flip their hair.
so now to what she says. ok so i'm not fat, i have fat on me but everyone does. there is a difference between having fat and being fat. so anyway i went to the doctor and they weighed me and they said i weighed 114 about 6 months ago. since then i've grown and stuff and eaten so over a period of time i gained some weight so now i weigh somewhere around 117 or 118. let me tell u she is not as small as me. she is taller, her belly sticks out further and in general she is a bigger girl. she told me she thinks she weighs 120! that would be impossible. even we looked the exact same except she was taller she would weigh more. so for to think that she only weighs 120 pounds is unrealistic. everyone knows that she weighs at least 130. in that little thing i said up there i wasnt trying to be conceided but i was comparing me to her cause my size and what she says she is is similar. so then she eats and eats. she wants a potatoe chip she has one or 2 or 3. her life style isnt healthy. so she also wears all these revealing clothes that just make her look disgusting. she also says "well i'm the skinniest one in my house" which, sorry to be mean, isnt really all that hard to do.
fat people who wont admit it make me furious.
i'm done being pissed. there is nothing i can do to change it.
1 did |
Go fuck yourself |
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