I'm a Loner Dottie, A Rebel

6 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?

:: 2002 21 September :: 9.00am
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Bitter Pill~Dashboard

"Hey Chris, it's Allie."
"Uh, hey."
"Yea, hi. Hey would you wanna do something sometime this weekend?"
"Uhh sure."
"Alright, cool. Well I have to go out with my mom this afternoon but should i call you when i get home?"
"Uhh, sure."
Awkwardness.
"Um, ok then. I'll talk to you later."
"uh, yea. See ya."

Sigh. Chris Webster. He's such a...boy. I went shopping with my mom, she felt like spending money, always a plus. She's also now encouraging me to date. I think she's just scared i'm going to turn into someone who never goes out and just stays in their rooms all the time. I went out last night. Spartan Fest. Wow, that's just...well, i don't know what you would call it. I left early. I suppose i tried to look nice and it was just driving me crazy. Ariel was there, God she's a barbie. Gorgeous, but a Barbie. I saw Joel too, we both looked at eachother and he smiled, but then this chick Casey pulled him away and engulfed his face with her mouth. I laughed and walked away.
I did run into Meg though, thankfully. It was cool seeing her, she put me in a good mood for a little while. Kate however, made me want to scream. But, she usually has that effect so I got over it.
Skipping through, i left early and came home and just felt like crying. It seems like whenever I go to things like "Spartan Fest" or some mixer it reminds me of what i'll never be, or can never have. Though, i don't really want to walk around looking like everyone else, being ignored isn't to peachy either. On the way home Mom stopped and got me some ice cream, always a plus...i felt bad after i ate it though.
I had called Chris before i left to see if he wanted to catch a movie or something but he wasn't home. (that's why i went to Spartan Fest) I got home and saw his name on the caller ID and just couldn't stop smiling. I felt like i used to when i would see his name on my phone. I felt like we were together again. I have to laugh at myself, i sound like some crazed girl, but it was just nice knowing that maybe he wanted to talk to me again. Though, after the 4th i can't imagine him ever wanting to talk to me again...but he is a strange child.
So i called him back this afternoon and that's where our conversation happened, if you could call it that. I got home, called him back, no answer. I left a message around 5...it's now almost 9:15 and i haven't heard from him. I suppose on an upside i got almost all my homework done so maybe i can shoot for tomorrow, we'll see. Steve said he wanted to hang out...i just might have to give him a call.
So all in all these past two days went down like this:

-Called Chris...twice.

-Actually spoke to him once.

-Got a new pair of pants, a dress, a shirt, and some Birks...(yea, yea they're Birks. But they're comfy as hell.)

-Went to a festival of football players, preps, and bohemian Abercrombie products with the occasional loner mixed in here and there.

At the moment there's some jazz music deal going on in Webster, i heard the fireworks earlier and now i can hear the music playing.

Sarah just signed on, but she's not actually there. We've grown fairly distant and i really don't know why. I think i'm going to go up there for a while in January considering school was basically canceled that entire month. Right now i think i'm going to head to the kitchen and try to find some chow.

Oh God, now there's some guy butchering a Beatles classic...make it stop...

"...as for me I wish i that i was anywhere, with anyone making out..."

that would be nice too.

imation

:: 2002 21 September :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: ben harper- oppression

....3 boxes of smirnoff, gallons of rum and lots of green is ok sometimes. like in big groups of people, when you don't remember what happened, and have to go to swimming the next morning and come home to sleep off a hangover until 6pm, than its just insane... last night was the party at vins that was supposedly "cancelled" because there were too many people coming. 20 people showed up and everybody spent the night. it was the greatest time while it was happening.. i met all these new people who are older at my school and almost all of them were like "hey i know you! i didn't know you did this stuff!"... and they'd laugh and we'd hug and have this moment that was like a "we're cool now" moment and this underlying notion that we'd all be doing this again together sometime this year... anyways. its almost 7pm and my mom left for the night but nothing about going out and doing stuff with people is appealing. i might just go back to sleep.

2 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?

:: 2002 19 September :: 8.48am
:: Mood: Heh

He's just so oblivious, all the time...

Dreydawg1: allie, what's up
PiNkDEviL63: hey, not much
PiNkDEviL63: how have you been?
Dreydawg1: pretty good, u?
Dreydawg1: i've been so ridiculously busy
PiNkDEviL63: kinda the same
PiNkDEviL63: we have this whole fall festival thing comin up
Dreydawg1: how's school?
PiNkDEviL63: um, well
PiNkDEviL63: i kind hate it...but i'll get over it
Dreydawg1: why do u hate it?
PiNkDEviL63: i just really, really don't fit in, at all
Dreydawg1: in what way?
PiNkDEviL63: nathan, you know me...i'm a big freak heh, and these girls...they're just like all perfect
Dreydawg1: lol ur not a freak.
PiNkDEviL63: um yea...it's just weird
Dreydawg1: so have you made any good friends yet?
PiNkDEviL63: sorta...i hang out with people
PiNkDEviL63: this girl aggie's cool
Dreydawg1: sweet
PiNkDEviL63: yea, it works
PiNkDEviL63: there's a few girls, i seriously think are models
Dreydawg1: lol yeah catholic schools tend to have some really fine women
PiNkDEviL63: hah yea...they're all really horny, hah i guess i'm not used to that
Dreydawg1: wow nice. horny hot girls
PiNkDEviL63: yea, in little catholic school uniforms..wut more could ya want
Dreydawg1: lol not much allie, not much
PiNkDEviL63: hehe...i look so goofy in mine
Dreydawg1: i still have to see you in it haha
PiNkDEviL63: heh yea
PiNkDEviL63: i have to get my skirt hemmed..it's hella long
Dreydawg1: lol do that
PiNkDEviL63: no for real, it goes past my knees..that's just, awful
Dreydawg1: i agree. asap
PiNkDEviL63: hah i'll get right on it...so wut are you doin this weekend?
Dreydawg1: i got a football game on friday that's like 3 hours away...we don't get back till like 3 int he morning
Dreydawg1: saturday i'm going to this seniors house for a PAR TAY
PiNkDEviL63: hah good good
Dreydawg1: yep, how about u?
PiNkDEviL63: i might go to a party tommorrow night..i have to find a homecoming dress, and a fall festival one..argh, and i think i'm goin out with this kid saterday
PiNkDEviL63: if any of it actually happens, heh we'll see
Dreydawg1: lol i know, plans are so hard to make when u can't drive
PiNkDEviL63: oh shush it
PiNkDEviL63: well hey, they're not to easy to keep even when you can
Dreydawg1: well..not for me at least
PiNkDEviL63: heh, well good
PiNkDEviL63: so i haven't talked to you in a while..anything cool happen?
Dreydawg1: geez..i don't think so. incubus was awesome
PiNkDEviL63: yea, it definitely was
Dreydawg1: well igtg do homework allie
Dreydawg1: have a good night
PiNkDEviL63: you too, later

sunsweet

:: 2002 19 September :: 5.49pm
:: Mood: surprised
:: Music: Happy

Today was great. heh. See..thats the sarcasm kickin' in. OK so..I find out there's this bet going around about me and Rachel. Apparantly Tommy and David bet eachother they could go farther than the other 1 w/ us. Im kind of offended by this...even if it is not that big of a deal. o well. I should slap Tommy. Just for laughs. I guess im not that mad but the fact that like every1 knows and continuously asks me about it...well that jus kinda sorta pisses me off after a while. So...I think i'll have a little word w/ Tommy about this. Oh and I think Rachel should hear about this too, since it is about her as well. ..but other than that the day was alrite. I mean it went by fast n lunch was fun, seein Tony. Still hot as ever I mite add. So..that was my day in a nutshell..so until next time!

:: 2002 17 September :: 10.52am
:: Mood: sleepy

I guess i kind of came off slightly crazy and depressed in that last one. I was looking through some old journals and found it. Unfortunaly i used to feel that way...

I dind't go to school today, tomorrow's not lookin good either. I've had about 5418878 people yell at me today. Not festive. We evidentally have hella tests tomorrow and some frosh induction deal. Sounds like fun to me.

I've been thinking alot about friday night. I really miss everyone. I've been thinkin about Will too. I'm not sure why, i only talked to him for 5 minutes or so...i'll ask Dan about him, maybe...

Tyler's pissing me off. I guess i should go, see what happens tomorrow.

2 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?

imation

:: 2002 17 September :: 7.38pm
:: Music: ben harper- fight for your mind

i haven't WRITTEN in ages
i had nothing once.
the starkness of it all
is hard to grasp now
too profound for words
curses
fulminating, eminating
from every pore-
i'm bleeding for mankind now
i'm suffering for your sins.

but this day is
just like the last is
just like the last.
hours passed
minutes clicked away
like rain on the window
like rain on my eyelids
is it rain now?
rain down my face,
streaming from a green sea
rain on my lips
tastes of all those
tired nights...
those awkward words
those gray clothes
and gray boys
and gray thoughts.
the rain is gray again tonight.

you looked at me.
no, that's not how it started..
i realized you first.
before you had the chance
to incriminate me in your mind
i copied your every feature
on napkins
and matchbooks
dusting them against my thighs
in the warmth of my pockets
which whisper history
incessently
asking me
"where were you?"

i lower my eyes from across the room
you have stopped me.
you are alert.
your senses faded with my gray rain
and i let you in to stay
you shake your umbrella and
say something trivial about the weather
but i have not listened-
i am too busy focusing
on the rain on your face.
i question morality all of a sudden-
i question YOU
-often now-
there isn'e a day that goes by
that i dont' wonder
look
think
glance
chance to meet you
in your purest form
your shrunken dripping self
coming to my house-
a shelter from the gray rain.

but in turn
FINDING the colorless wonder
your link to me-
your conversation starter
your realization of my
one pure weakness.
but where does that leave me?
a hallway full of puddles
your footprint
dry and stained now
and fading ever so slowly
but surely as well.
i stand with the door open now
on nights
when the rain turns to gray
mist on my face
swirling hair
air like the duluth border

where are you now?
the footprints gone now
i'm almost grown now
its almost midnight now
where are you?
you know where to find mme now
when the rain turns to gray
if you come with your comments
and your umbrella-
even your shoes
which may stain for years more to come
i'll have no choice
but to let you in.

whats another day?
i can't bare another storm without you..

sunsweet

:: 2002 17 September :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: are you gonna go my way?

omg..im very scared b/c 2morrow i have this HUGE biology test. I mean basically ive studied everything but..ah im still freaking out about it. Yeah..so at cheer prac 2day Tony was there at the end (looking hot as ever!) he jus sat w/ Shane n watched us prac. ohh id get on him in a mili-second. darn. ok..back 2 school mode-i got a D on my spanish test and a D..maybe a C now in my microsoft computer class..but wow thats gota be a record 4 me. and in the same day. im SO PISSED ABOUT THAT. And 2morrow I have that other test. I HAVE to do good on that or else..im in deep shit. Yeah..I better go study my ass off now!

5 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?

:: 2002 17 September :: 3.39am
:: Mood: Unhappy

Wow, this is old.
Every morning when i wake up
I wash my face.
And while my eyes are closed
I hope the ugliness washes away with it.
But when I look back in the mirror the same lost and confused girl stares back at me.
I put my clothes on
fix my hair
and makeup.
I try to cover my confusion with trendy products
and bullshit laughs and smiles.
I check in the mirror once more just to make sure that what stares back at me is still that low self-esteemed wannabe that has for years.
It's still her.
Still the ugly fat girl that chokes back her tears everyday.
Still the confused one who has no one to turn to.
I wonder how many meals more i have to skip and lie about.
How much longer i need to starve myself until i'm one of the pretty girls.
How many more times will i make myself believe that it will all be worth it someday.
I say it over and over again.
Life's like a big play
but i'm the only one without a script or wardrobe department.
I try counting how many things are worth living for anymore. I don't get very far before i have to leave for the next show
i wasn't cast in.

leftofcool

:: 2002 17 September :: 7.32am

i dont really have anything to say except that i havent come here in awhile. i cant sleep, big suprise. i hate getting to school and seeing everyone that just got up like, 15 minutes before class when ive been rolling around for hours in a frustrated exhaustion. my mom has begun what she has dubbed "college week"... there are about 25 different college viewbooks covering our kitchen table, along with a chart that she is in the process of making. its very bizarre, but in the same sense, i'm so ready to get the fuck out of here. i hate school with a passion. it feels like daycare. or prison. tomorrow i'm 18. yay porn/cigarettes/lottery tickets/voting.

5 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?

:: 2002 16 September :: 4.25am
:: Mood: Sickish

Ahh school was just not an option today. I really wasn't feeling great, but i suppose i exaggerated it a little. I just don't like it there, plain and simple. And friday night was no help. The football game was fun, but seeing everyone again, and not fully understanding who or what people were talking about, it just makes me so sad. All my friends, the cheerleaders with their perfect boyfriends (Ray's the exception) hanging out with all the poplular kids. It just made me so sad. I know i'm not the type of girl the guys like. ::sigh:: i'm just bitching now. Creepy kid suceeded in freaking the hell out of me again...wow, he's just scary...and Brandon didn't say a word to me. I should really just give up. I did meet this kid named Wilson tho. I'm not sure if that's his name or just what Dan calls him, but he's a Brandon Boyd look alike. They both came up to me and Dan was like ok, picture him singing and without a shirt...who is he? So i look over at Will (Wilson) and just kinda freaked out. I'm sure i must have scared him, but he could seriously be his twin. He was really sweet too. Somehow i ended up tellin him i loved and him and he kinda looked down and shuffled his feet . It was really cute, so i put my arm around him and he put his around my weist and we just kinda stood like that for a little while and just the three of us talked. I asked how old he was and he said he was in 8th grade...which, IS only a year younger, and he's probably as old as i am, it was just still kinda unfortunate. Eh whatever, he's still a cool guy to talk to and hang out with. So i'm supposed to be figuring out what homework i have tonight...fun times.

imation

:: 2002 15 September :: 7.22pm

friend's birthday + 2 cases of beer + lots of green + big group of fun people + Lillian + outside, no parents + bon fire + great weather + darkness = good times. i had missed nights like that for so long... other than the panic attack, it was so much fun. Lowell "helped" with my breathing or whatever.. and we ended up away from everybody else, just laying in the grass... talking.. my hands were cold, so he put them inside his sleeves and it was just.. comfortable. we walked back to the group and it felt different than before. (on top of the fact that i could now breathe) it felt like lowell and i knew something that no one else did. and those are the moments i love to remember..

leftofcool

:: 2002 15 September :: 12.49pm

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to talk, mad to live, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars" - j kerouac

sunsweet

:: 2002 14 September :: 11.32pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Seasons

Today I got picked up early from Lauren's. omg I was so tired. I dn why either...I guess school jus wears the hell outta me n w/ cheerleading as well...its just an overload. So ne way last night I went to the football game. It was alot of fun. I brought Allie but we werent always together which was kool kuz that way she got 2 visit w/ old friends n what not. And I got 2 talk 2 Tony. aw hes so hot. Ben is cute too but I only talked 2 him a little. I was w/ Dan alot of the time..and Tommy too. Tommy is never boring to talk to. Gosh I miss him...he's not in any of my classes so thats sucky. He can always make me laugh. Scott also was there..but he didnt stay clingy 2 long which was nice. That way I dont get completely annoyed w/ him. We talked about homecoming...n it was jus like blah..w/e. I wanted to say...you know were jus going as friends..n I wunna dance w/ other guys too. Maybe he'll realize this kuz I dont wunna be mean about it. Anyways...o yea how can I forget? Ohh Robby was like..hey how bout a quickie in the bathroom? N' I'm thinkin..uhhh. lol. Then towards the end Robby came over, took my hand i was like ok..n he jus put my hand down on him. I was like wha..lol and perfect timing Lauren n Ray came walking over n were like..whoa there. lol. I guess it was funny but then Allie dissed on robo..lol it was great. n well..lol yea. I guess that was my night...interesting huh? I thought so.

:: 11 13 September :: 11.44am
:: Mood: Starry eyed
:: Music: I've got Incubus goin through my head...

I ment to write yesterday. I really did, and i'm mad at myself that i didn't. But tonight was much more interesting...

So the Incubus concert was tonight. Wow. It was so amazing, they sound just as incredible live. I called my house and recorded "Drive" onto the answering machine...hah i'm such a dork...eh, i'm over it. I'm just so in love with that band. Unfortunaly every person i asked to go with me bagged me. I went with Lisa and her boyfriend which was fine...we had fun. I saw Mario. Heh, that was interesting. Some of his friends got to meet Incubus through a contest the point was running. I entered...but i didn't win : (. Heh, i wasn't really expecting too tho so it's all ok. We had really good seats too...except for the giant that was infront of me. Fortunatly for me he was a smoker and left every so often to have a puff or two.

I seriously think Brandon Boyd could be one of the most gorgeous people on this Earth. Heh listen to me, telling my tales of being star struck, it was nice tho. Today was really awful, but the concert just made my month. Unfortunaly i still have to finish a poster for geography and answer questions for english. Haha...good thing i'm doing that. I suppose i really should...

"...if i had a dime for everytime you walked away, i could afford to not give a shit, buy a drink, and drown the day..."

-The one and only.