mudpiegrl
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2004 20 December :: 1.00am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: nightmare before xmas
allstate...again...
so today was not all that bad...a few things went wrong on the show but eh, what can you do? hopefully downstate, stage left will know whats going on...
People Who Were Supposed to Come:
Mum
Dad
Elaine
Steve
Dorthea
Bernard
Jen
Mushroom
Neil
Natalia
Campy
Who ACTUALLY Came
Jen
Mushroom
Mum
Dad
i was really upset
neil didnt come. jen didnt comment on much
neil most likely wont go to the performance in champaign
i figured jen'd forget, but im proud of her for not
but i have to say that im sad she didnt even critisize, almost as if she fell asleep.
it's something thats really important to me. like normal shows are important, but i would hope that my closest friends and neighbours and such would care enough to come. oh well though.
one good thing came out of it.
my dad said that we have to talk about this school thing next year. he said "you cant go to CLC and actually go somewhere. you arent going to be focused on theatre, you're going to be too involved in other things. you know how you are."
I'm sort of happy about that.
i dont know.
the ISU kids were sorta mean about my portfolio. i have to redo pretty much everything, and the things that took the most work and i was most proud of just went ::woosh:: while they fell off the page.
neils sick
elaines sick
dorthea threw out her back
dogs still in pain from her "removal"
and jeramiah is perfect; a secret obsession, i guess.
if you care to ask, ill let you know...
or if im in the mood, ill tell you anyway...
sleep now...work tmro.....and the next day.
this break sucks so far and we're three days in.
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toki
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2004 19 December :: 12.30pm
Patrice is feeling better today. A litte bit. Issues that have been driving her insane have now worked themselves out. She does not quite understand why she isn't more relieved, but it's ok. She can breath easier now. Which is always cool.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 17 December :: 8.38am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: ::type, type, type:: of patrices computer
Friday morning in the library
In a much better mood today. Patrice made me laugh. Shes good at that. The kid sitting in front of me has a duck on his shirt¡Kthat¡¦s weird for a boy. I suppose it depends what it says though. He¡¦s looking at cars online. And typing something. Then there¡¦s people who are writing papers and this is one of the few times I can stretch out and say ¡§ahh¡Kno papers to do.¡¨ It¡¦s freeing really. You should try it.
Today is the last school day for a while. I have to leave early for allstate. It scared me this morning when Christine came to my door and rung the doorbell.
I don¡¦t want to leave. Im going to miss frouny. And I kinda like school. ƒ¼
Oh well I guess. Preview of summer I suppose.
Neils coming tonight too. Which I should be excited about, but oddly enough, im not. In fact, im only scared and extremely nervous. Look my arms shaking¡Koh¡Knevermind¡Kthat would be the fact that it hurts from typing.
Patrice is typing in an orange box.
Last night I called neil, which I know I shouldn¡¦t do. I think ill take his name off my phonebook just so that I don¡¦t. I know it by heart though¡Kits okie I can second guess myself if I don¡¦t just press four.
I did my best not to complain. He told me I wont have a life if I work all the time but I told him its okie cuz id just be bored otherwise. I don¡¦t think he knows what its like to be idling in between friendships and stages of life. He¡¦s a boy who doesn¡¦t do too much paying attention. I feel like a car¡Kidling.
Yay¡Kone minute.
Happy holidays to the school¡K
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2004 17 December :: 8.25am
We have to distrust each other. It's our only defense against betrayal.
-Tennessee Williams
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mudpiegrl
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2004 16 December :: 4.14pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: the furnace
frustation
I'm in latin. i want to write this to jen, but i9 know it is something so futile to her that she won't care. She is enveloped in herself and mushroomness.
Today, at lunch, we had a "family meeting". We discussed my needing to clean, tyler's unspecified grocery list, mum's patience, and the family's drinking habits. We were pretty objective through the most of it; it was a meeting to tell mum we are worried about her drinking. I began by saing how i dilike drinking so much and how it's embarressing that even my friends dont respect her through all her drunkenness. She says shell cut down. Who believes her but herself? Tyler proposed extracting all alcohol from the house. Dad offered an appointement with this counsler with whom he had to sort out his D.U.I. She denied it all and said she'd figure it out on her own. She said she needs a month to sx weeks. By 16 Januar, we will be rid of alcohol, if all goes accordingly. It wont through. But i think im the only on who kmnows that.
Th other uncoverd issue of my pathetic exhistence is my fear of neil breaking up with me. i think he's sick of dealing with me...
then again, in the bathroom i was just thinking how jen had me to care for her and now that something new has come in, she forgot about what i might need in return from her. and then thinking neil doesnt want me.
its odd, because both my brother and my pasts were very independent, at least mine anyway. we dont know what its like to have soemone genuinely care about us and the things we do. So the slightest bit of not paying attention lands me in exactly the same spot i hate people when they're in.
i've been talking to patrice which is good...i dont have to depend on neil, the kid who would rather talk to his floormates and play video games, or hope to talk to jen in the next week. not that patrice is a last resort. i try to leave people alone as much as i can. patrice hates being left out too and so id rather hang out with her than someone who is included and doesnt care to talk about depressing subjects, or rather, listen to me at all.
i figure ill be in trouble for this one, too. but then i figure i'd rather than not say antyhign. i think ill just write in this from now on because its a hell of a lot easier than trying to incorporate emotion into a conversation.
jen is no fair and i dont l,ike it. some best friend i guess...
2 people are in a Solitary Shell |
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2004 14 December :: 8.38am
Sometimes the simplest things can make your day better. I love days like that. No matter what anyone says about their self-esteem or what not, we all need some form of reassurance at times. Not too much. Because then it gets annoying. But you get what I mean. Even though I know it¡¦s not true, it still made Patrice¡¦s day. So yes. ƒº Smiles and such.
Yay for being vague. Tehe.
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sweetyas
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2004 13 December :: 4.53pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: TV
Crew
SO i talked ot my parents about doing crew, actually my dad. He was like you did what we told you to do i.e. get good grades and so i can do crew but then he went to explain how y i shouldnt:
1. my grandma's leaving no one to take care ofthe house
2. my dad is getting another job which means he goes to work at 7 in the morning adn comes home at midnight
3. my mom is working a lot
Therefore i should stay home with my brothers and clean and do trheir h/w w/them. but i want to do crew. i sound so selfish.
1 people are in a Solitary Shell |
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2004 12 December :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: amused
I spent last night reading through everyone's old journal entries. It's kind of funny. We all say the same things.
We're miserable today. Today sucked. We're lonely. This person has no right to complain about how lonely they are because I have it worse. This person can't say they're having a bad day, mine's worse. I'm a bad person. Everyone hates me. No one needs me. What's the point of me being here?
We're all just lonely and miserable. I don't know. It's funny. I can't quite explain it. We're all lonely together. ::nods:: I guess. O.o
-Patrice
patrice
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toki
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2004 11 December :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Respect
Ok. I'm bored. So I'm going to go through random on my computer and tell you the first....20...songs it plays. Woo?
1. MMMBop
2. We Can Work It Out- Beatles
3. Now I'm Here- Queen
4. See Me, Feel Me- The Who
5. With You In Your Dreams- Hanson
6. The Real Me- The Who
7. Fly Me To The Moon- Frank Sinatra
8. You've Got A Friend- James Taylor
9. Hello Good Bye- Beatles
10. If I Only Had The Words(To Tell You)- Billy Joel
11. We Will Rock You- Queen
12. Come Together- Beatles
13. What The World Needs Now Is Love
14. Save Me- Queen
15. Ain't No Mountain
16. Imagine- John Lennon
17. Fat- Bottomed Girls- Queen
18. 100 Years- Five For Fighting
19. Hound Dog- Elvis
20. Respect- Aretha Franklin
Ok...I need to load more of my cd's onto the computer. Ok. I'll probably be back.
-Patrice
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2004 9 December :: 8.25am
:: Mood: Pooey
So yes. I'm here. At school. I should be home. And I could be at home. But my mom pulled the whole guilt thing when I asked to stay home today. So today better go by quickly. Just because I really don't feel like dealing with it.
You guys should all see In America. Good movie. I cried, but that's just me.
So yeah. Ryan called last night. And I wanted him to call. He calls everynight. But when he started to talk to me, I just died. I couldn't find anything to say to him. He was talking about being sick and his comic books and how much fun going to dinner was. I had a billion things I wanted to talk to him about. But he doesn't care. No one really does. Everytime I would try to tell him something, he would be distracted by something. So yeah. I gave up on talking to him. And eventually he left because he was tired and we weren't saying anything anyways. I'm fine listening to him go on about his day. I don't get bored with it. I don't know. It just feels like sometimes when I talk, he's not listening at all. Or he doesn't care. And it scares me right now that I'm freaking out about something like this. Because I know what's going to happen. He's going to get sick of my constant complaining about some event in my life. Whether it's family or friends or school. Then he'll get annoyed with my random bad moods. Then it'll be how I don't tell him when somethings bothering me. Then it'll be over. And this probably soudns so stupid to all of you reading this, but I don't care. I feel stupid right now. I don't know if I really am doing the right thing here. I really do like him. Alot. But am I doing the right thing by getting so close to him? I don't want to get uber close to someone only for them to realize how irrational I am and have them leave me. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just walked away from this. But that's selfish of me. And I know that. I just don't want to get hurt, but by doing that I'd only hurt him. Which wouldn't be fair. I've realized that I have made myself so incredibly numb. To everything. Things that should affect me just make me shrug. It's not fair. I feel like I'm in a dream-state most of the time. That if I just close my eyes, that the world will go away. That I won't be there. That I wouldn't have to be a part of anyone's life. That I wouldn't run the risk of hurting more people. I just want to disappear. The thing is though, if I leave him, who will I have? Plus I'd miss him way too much. More then anyone knows. Even him. I don't want to be a burden on him or anyone else though. I don't know what to do.
He's not a jerk. This has nothing to do with him being a bad guy. It has to do with me.
My rant ends here. Or I'll piss people off. And that's bad
-Patrice
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