lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2009 6 January :: 4.55am

uggghhhh i just updated and it disconnected my interwebs. grrr..

i just had the best sex ever period.....
i hope i spelt that right.
mmmmmhmmmmmmm soooooo nice my brian is working on "oh mah god idk wtf to be doing because there is too much omg good sex chemicals running around in me" mode ;3

rawwrrr merowwwww meow nyaaaaa

i can't walk. i care barely move..
god i love it.
like those violet crumbles.. mmmmmm...

sus is teh best at pleasing me. period. end of story.

good night.

:: 2009 5 January :: 11.28am

ugggghhhh
i feel sick.
it's my mommy's birthday!
and i made her a card, but my creative juices are running on super dry and i think the card is ugly and uninspired.
my kitty hates me.

idk, i'm just really done with today.
but not in the today has been bad and i'm just done.
but in the i really don't feel like doing anything today period.
ugh..

i want to eat lotsa ramen today.
and a pretzel.
or some tater tots from sonic..

:/
food why are you so delicious!?!??

on a side note i have a few new friends. they will always be right there when i need them. hahahahaha...

i can't wait to move back to seattle. this weather sucks. like hXc..

:: 2009 3 January :: 9.59am

things are bad.
and i want to fix them.
but i don't understand.
and i'm terrified.
...
i don't want to say it's my fault.
and i don't want to place blame.
because it's everyone's fault and no one's fault at the same time.
i want to fix this.
and i want to succeed at something.
things were so great in the beginning...
and now it's such a mess i don't know what to think.

the worst part is i don't know what's causing it.
and i want to know.
and i want to fix it.
and kill it, so i can be happy.
and he can be happy.

i'm done killing myself.
and i'm done murdering the people i love.

i want to fix this.
i will fix this.

:: 2009 2 January :: 3.19pm

i know i'm updating a lot, but there's really nothing else for me to do.

i've been crying a lot lately. and it's all justified crying, there are reasons.. i have all this sad stuck in my throat. and i have nowhere to let it out.

i want it to be spring. i'm so done with all the snow and the bitter cold and the death. i just want to see the sun come out and melt all the pain out of my life. i want to go back to the way it was in seattle before all the bad happened. i want to live my whole life at the same time.. not in this bullshit linear path. i just want to put a tape in of the happy times and play it on repeat so i would never have to see the sad again.

it's beautiful out today. the sun is shining and the snow is melting. and i saw some birds out there too. i just.. i had a really bad time at new years and it was all my fault.

i want to talk about some choices i've made. they aren't life altering in any way.. just little choices that make me sit back and think.. "wtf was I thinking" and "Is that really me?" I feel like i'm a no body now. a non-entity. i'm bland and flavorless...

and i want to talk to someone about it.
but no one will understand.
and no one will be ok with everything i've done.

i've really shut myself into a cage. backed into a corner.. i'm the lemming heading to the cliff. and no one can save me..

and i want to be saved so badly.

i wish every fight wasn't my fault.
i wish for once someone would run after me when i run away.
there is nothing in the world i have ever wanted more than to be worth fighting for..

but.. i'll be ok. i'll learn to live with it. someday it won't be my fault that feelings were hurt. and when i leave crying someone will chase me and ask to wait. and hold me.

and then i can feel happy. and important.

and this is exactly the reason why i'm not romantic anymore. because i know it won't happen. and i know that romantic things don't happen. and i'd rather not disappoint myself anymore with idol thoughts of what love should be like..

who did i get so bitter? jesus.

i'm rambling. and i'm babbling. and i just want to have my brain shut up for five minutes so i can enjoy the little i have. instead of what i don't...

god this is bad.

:: 2009 2 January :: 3.07pm

let's review my year.. :
Read more..

:: 2009 2 January :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: alone

i want to talk about things.
but no one talks.

i want sus to talk to me about what's been going on.
but i guess i'm ust so stand offish that he won't even look at me.

i feel so alone and bad and wrong and gross.
and i just want to cry it all out..
and i want to talk to someone who will make me feel better.
or just talk to someone.

why does this have to be so hard?
why does it have to be so lonely?
i hate life.
and i hate growing up.
and i hate almost everything right now.

i want to end it.. because at least i won't realize i'm alone when i'm dead..

if only people didn't love me.

god this is hard.

:: 2008 31 December :: 5.28pm

Guess who didn't get to see her friends.

ME! yay.

:: 2008 27 December :: 10.05pm

brooke will be here soon
i am super excited, but also super nervous..

i hate how i always feel wrong about things.
i honestly think i'm broken.

i went to planned parenthood yesterday to get more stuff..
and the lady was asking me all these things..
about being depressed and whatnot..
...
it really made me notice how bad i've gotten.
and i don't really know what to do anymore.
i've seen drs. i've written my heart out. i paint..

nothing helps..

i'm worried about me..

:: 2008 22 December :: 10.49am

i'm scared of myself.
i don't know who i am anymore.

:: 2008 21 December :: 11.46pm

I did not get to go to Lansing because my one plan and my five backup plans fell through. It was not meant to be.

I am working on Tuesday, Nick's and my parents' celebramatations on Wednesday and Thursday. Nick's parents' again on Saturday. And MAYBE meeting up with the friends I couldn't see in Lansing Saturday night.

:: 2008 19 December :: 3.32pm

One semester left until I am thrown into the real world without guidance or a job.

I AM SO EXCITED TO NOT HAVE HOMEWORK OR TESTS ANYMORE OMG

In other news, I'm going to Lansing this weekend.

:: 2008 17 December :: 6.11pm

i kinda feel like everyone around me is getting more interesting and beautiful and attractive.. and i'm sitting here getting fat and boring..

i wish i had hobbies or i was in school or i hung out with people or could just stop eating..

but my life sucks and i feel bad all the time. and food is a nice comforting thing.. and at the moment i'm snowed in, but ususally my schedule doesn't allow for me to see anyone..

i just and so frustrated with where i am. i have superficial conversations with people. i can't cry. i feel cold and hard and like my emotions are now just bear minimum to exist.

i want to start over.
i wish i had stayed in college.

oh well
such is life.

:: 2008 16 December :: 2.11pm
:: Mood: tired

lately, i've been wishing more and more that i had never left seattle..
and that i never messed everything up.

and he says it isn't my fault.
but it's so hard not to see it as my fault.
it is my back. and my stubbornness.
but whatever, it isn't my fault, it's just an unfortuante situation.

i'm just so frustrated with where i'm at. money is always a huge problem, finding a job that doesn't suck is impossible. food is always so low here. i feel like i'm living in the poor house with tons of debt.. wait.. i am.

and then i feel guilty asking for help from my parents because they always send me on a huge guilt trip when i do.

and i feel like i ruined christmas.

idk, i'm just tired of how my life has been for the last few months. i don't hang out with friends, i don't have time to do anything i enjoy and i have no money to do anything with. it's just like.. the last few months have been crap city.

though, because i am so awesome i am not escaping with substances. i am just bottling it up and getting ready for a breakdown. it sounds bad, but having a breakdown is better than being dependant on things that cost lots of money to sustain as a habit.

meh, life has to be bad for you to enjoy the good.

and it is seriously fuck all cold here.

:: 2008 12 December :: 11.09pm

Seattle in 12 days.

:: 2008 12 December :: 10.13pm

I hate Windows
Me: Hey, I wanna play this game with my 360 controller.

Windows: Oh okay.

Me: This game says it's the coolest with the controller.

Windows: Mmhmm.

Me: It says it does rumble.

Windows: Yes.

Me: So, I'm gonna plug it in...and you should...see it right?

Windows: Sure.

Me: Okay, it's there.

Windows: I'm not seeing it.

Me: Well, it's there.

Windows: Still not seeing it.

Me: Let me unplug it and I'll put it back in.

Windows: Uh no. Nothing.

Me: Um. So. Do you need a driver or something for this?

Windows: I'm not quite sure.

Me: Can you check?

Windows: No.

Me: Well, I'm going to ask Google. He always knows.

Windows: I can wait.

Me: He says you do.

Windows: Okay.

Me: I went to your website and you just wanted me to buy a controller.

Windows: Well, yeah. You need one to play the game.

Me: Yeah, well. I have one right here. Remember? It's plugged in.

Windows: Oh. Yeah. I can't see it though.

Me: Right.

Windows: Right.

Me: So, I'm going to go ask Google again. Maybe he knows a better place.

Windows: Okay.

Me: He told me to go to your website again.

Windows: Yeah, it's probably there.

Me: Well, the link they sent me to? It doesn't work.

Windows: Huh.

Me: So. I'm going to look around a little.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why isn't it on the page with the controller? You know. Under related topics or links or whatever.

Windows: Shrug.

Me: Huh.

Windows: ...

Me: Oh well I'm going to go to this product download link.

Windows: Mmhmm.

Me: Why do you need to know what I'm downloading it for? I told you on that other page.

Windows: I forgot.

Me: ...

Windows: I can't see it. I forgot.

Me: ...

Windows: ...

Me: Okay, well it's downloading.

Windows: What?

Me: A driver or something. I don't know. It's downloading.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why is it going to take five minutes?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Okay.

Windows: ...

Me: Well, it's done.

Windows: Okay.

Me: So, it's installing.

Windows: Okay.

Me: You know, my OS came out after the 360.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: So why didn't you just include the driver with the OS?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: I have a lot of useless stuff from you already. Why didn't you just include it?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Okay it's done.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why the hell do you always want me to restart? The light is lit up. Why do I have to restart?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Bill Gates doesn't even know why I have to restart.

Windows: Well...we don't talk anymore.

Me: Huh. Well, I'm not restarting.

Windows: Okay.

Me: I'm going to go play my game now.

Windows: We'll see...

Me: Wait.

Windows: What?

Me: Why's the program still there?

Windows: Which one?

Me: The one I installed the driver with.

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Why couldn't you just delete it after it installed?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: And what's this Windows Update thing?

Windows: Hm?

Me: You just installed the driver and already you need to fix it.

Windows: Well... This is an update just for you.

Me: You couldn't just put the latest version on your website?

Windows: No.

Me: You asked me what OS I was using.

Windows: Yes. Yes I did.

Me: So. You could have just the latest one for my OS there. On that special page. For me.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: Huh.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: You want me to restart again.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: Fine.

Windows: See you later.

Me: Whatever.

:: 2008 10 December :: 1.49pm

i don't know who's idea it was, but life is crappy.
i hate money.
and nothing is fair.

but brooke is coming soon!
and i get to do christmas stuff soon!
yay

:: 2008 9 December :: 10.40pm

All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.

The cat is both dead and alive.

:: 2008 5 December :: 12.40pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: playradioplay

things.. haven't been going well.
and i'm depressed.
and unhappy a lot.
Read more..

:: 2008 4 December :: 12.56pm
:: Mood: curious

so...

the more i learn about other people, the more i realize we're all in the same boat..
most of us are terribly unhappy with our lives and we don't like where we're going or what's happened in our lives..

and it's really really sad.. i feel really sad that we aren't happy.
though, to be honest, at this point in time i'm happier than i have been in the last month and a half..

things are just difficult for everyone.. and everyone feels so alone. and it's really hard.. to face life alone..

i just.. i wish it was happy. i wish life was happy.

i want to have my house warming party soon. :)
but i'm not sure when i should do it..
or what we should do.
because i have nothing:
no games
or food
or stuff to sit on other than a bed and a computer chair haha.

soooooo

IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS WHEN OR WHAT WE SHOULD DO AT MY HOUSE WARMING PARTY PLEASE CALL ME OR COMMENT OR WHATEVER
i need help haha

:: 2008 2 December :: 2.28am

crossposted
I am very blessed. I have a boyfriend who loves me (and lets me sleep and makes me bagels with cream cheese and turkey (when I don't feel well and when he thinks it sounds disgusting)) and whom I love. I have a family that despite my coming home from a semester in Europe and immediately moving out, still loves me.

I am blessed because I had two Thanksgivings. And I will have two Christmases.

I talked to one of the new student workers today. His father lost his factory job and his mother lost her greenhouse job. Downsizing. He had Spaghetti O's for Thanksgiving. In his dorm room. He says Christmas doesn't look too great either.

I left work crying.

I've always had a Christmas. I've always had a Thanksgiving. No matter how poor my parents said they were that year. I can't imagine not having one. But this kid did. This kid will.

:: 2008 28 November :: 4.40pm

have you ever fucked up so badly that it makes you vomit to remember it?

yeah.. i have.

i'm so digusting.

:: 2008 26 November :: 10.14pm

I feel like I learn more about faith and feel better about faith in my Arabic class than I ever did in my Theology class.

In my Theology class, I was angry and upset that I was supposed to believe what he said I needed to. That I needed to obey the laws he said existed. Laws and rules I didn't think any god cared about.

In my Arabic class, I feel good about this god that I thought was mean and restrictive. I feel good about the world. Every day we have a religious discussion, even inadvertently.

I guess I'm not doing the Catholic thing anymore? I guess I haven't for a while. I like this God guy. I'm feeling things out but I'm a big fan of this non-denominational thing. I just hate religion so much. We'll see where this goes.

:: 2008 25 November :: 4.29pm

i hate regret.
and i have more of it now than i have ever had in the entirty of my life combined.

and it really, really sucks.

:: 2008 24 November :: 8.38am

today may be my first day back to work..

do you know how often i wish i could just rewind my life and go back to highschool? and change all the choices i had made from my tattoo on?

if only life really had a reset button..

but i only wish that sometimes, like right now.. when i'm sitting in my apartment, worrying about money, thinking about how lonely i feel most of the time.. wishing i didn't have to be such a negative person. i just want someone to be there for me always.. and i'm always too afraid to trust anyone that much anymore..

there are days like these where i just feel bad. there isn't really a reason, but i just feel like utter crap. and i want to cry and scream and go for a long, long walk.. but things have to get done today and i have to pretend like i'm ok because i don't have a reason not to be.

and then i'll laugh at my depression. and i won't ask for help. i know i can't beat this on my own.. over the last years it's become painfully clear to me that i can't fix myself.. but i don't know if anyone else can either..

and i want to badly to have good days when i wake up..
i don't want to be broken anymore..

there were two months that i can remember within the last year that i woke up and had good days. really good days.. and i was in the most intense pain of my life.. but i was happy. truely happy.

why can't i go back to those days?

i hate change. when things change and i think about them too much i have crazy bad dreams. i dream about murder and rape and kidnapping.. about bright colors and crazy highways and gravity.

i dreamt my mom abandoned me for cigarettes.. and that i was raped. and raped.. and kidnapped..

and it's because i'm terrified about losing this relationship.
i'm terrified i made a wrong choice somewhere.
i'm terrified that i'm never going to have friends that i see all the time again.
i'm terrified that i'm never going to trust anyone with my life again.
i'm terrified no one will ever understand me again..

i'm terrified i'm going to turn into a totally mediocre and average person who is unimpressive and unremarkable in everyway..

and i don't know why..

i just want someone to put their hand out there and hug me and tell me things will be okay. i want them to let me cry until i fall asleep and then hold me until i wake up again.. i want it to be the spring time and sit in the clover and scream when i bee gets too close.. i want to feel important and insignificant at the same time.. i want to look at the stars far away from any indicator of human life.. i want to see the northern lights.. i want to see a whale..

i just want to live life with beauty in it again. i want to love things again. i want to have passion for what i believe in and i want to be happy.

and it's impossible.
and i don't want to give up..
but i don't have a choice..

someone save me...

:: 2008 20 November :: 5.14am

today was a good day

:: 2008 16 November :: 11.51am

i don't think i'm cut out to be alive.
i can't deal with the stress.
the emotions.
the doing nothing.
and being able to do nothing.

everything feels wrong.
either i do the wrong thing.
or for the wrong reason.
and i wasn't even aware that i was doing the wrong thing..
or for the wrong reason.
i didn't think there was such a thing..

but i'm wrong.
like always.
i can't deal

:: 2008 14 November :: 5.05pm

i honestly think..
i've become one of the worse girlfriends and friends ever.
and it makes me sick.
why do i suck so much?

:: 2008 13 November :: 11.48am

what a peachy day.

:: 2008 7 November :: 11.20am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Phil Collins

My mood swings are taking me over.. and i don't like it.
i hate feeling super giggly and happy one minture, then the next i'm a sobbing mess. i wish i could just.. either not feel anything, or feel like a normal person.

Hanging out with Lauren today, which is a nice change of pace, seeing how i'm always just at home. I need to get out, even though this place is really nice.
I like having a reason to look all pretty.

my hip.. my back pain is frustrating.. sometimes it feels amazing and then other days it hurts no matter what i do. my epidural is soon, which is great, cuz hopefully it will just get rid of all this stupid pain and i can start working on fixing it without agonizing pain! yay!

but I can already walk and do things. I'm not totally immobile like i used to be, which is great, and already has helped with my mood..

now to just get rid of stress.. of money.
damn money.

Brooke's going to stay with me in january! I'm so excited! I can't wait to finally see her again!! it's been so long..

i love the land before time.

today feels happy.

:: 2008 5 November :: 2.29pm

tacos tonight.
hell yes.

i got a job, start on the 24th (which means we won't have rent.. again)
wooo...

house warming party soon!
biznatches!

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