sendmemoney
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2003 7 July :: 4.20am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: edwin mccain - i'll be (acoustic)
the air conditioner was blowing more intensely than usual , or maybe i was just concentrating a little harder on that fifteen minute drive , accompanied by soft piano music that had been heard a million times before and little else . on command , i turned it down , even though it was already barely audible and it was my car . i was sick to my stomach of that faint churning and turned off the air abruptly ; so abruptly that i didn't calculate how the absence of noise would be equally , if not more , nauseating to the point that i began talking to fill the silence . speaking my mind , for once , and working out solutions to lifelong problems , with no reply . i calculated the number of days until this would no longer be a problem and bit my tongue to avoid further complications when irrational arguments sprung from the silent passenger . the conclusion ? i wish this had happened six days prior so that i could have spent those few more precious hours with the one person that makes this argument worth continuing .
i waited so it would be 4:20 when i posted this but since i was just editing something from an hour ago it was 3:29 so i changed it myself . that was so sad . i could have just changed it from the start .
"tell me we belong together . dress it up with the trappings of love . i'll be captivated . i'll hang from your lips , instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above ."
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2003 3 July :: 2.51am
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: sublime - saw red (acoustic)
i'm so used to running and re-running scenarios over and over in my head and checking twice to make sure that the driver in front of me isn't tan and wearing a beanie and holding my remote control or even the gear shift as something to do while i drive that i'm sure that all of me isn't back from the airport yet . even as i write this , i'm still replaying the nervous toying with my necklace and the checking the television monitors five times to look for some sort of hint as to if i am even close to being right as i look up and there , in front of me , is the only thing that's been on my mind for the past 30 days . i don't know what i expected , and i know i didn't know what to expect , but it exceeded that times one hundred million , even sitting on that plain brown bench with hundreds of tired , jet-lagged people milling around complaining about luggage or the weather . that same bench that we sat on when we were both somewhat uncertain and nowhere near this deep into this ( so it must have been sometime before seven days into the relationship ) . that feeling on that bench on this night is greater than one million hits of ecstasy .
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2003 30 June :: 3.12am
:: Mood: crummy
:: Music: powerman 5000 - when worlds collide
i have three grams left ( but i really need to pick up more ) .
i have a lot of liquor in my trunk and i don't even drink .
i have two days and fourteen and a half hours left .
i have speakers and a cd player ( but i am getting a system ) .
i have lost communication with most of the people i used to talk to .
i have awesome cousins .
i have new friends that i hope turn out to be as cool as they seem .
i have two jobs but i still lack money ( but it's just money ) .
i have run out of things to say .
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2003 27 June :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: the yoko theory - classics
there’s always something to look forward to ( God put this here for me , and you ) . yea , maybe it’s work , but i haven’t worked in awhile . or listening to a cd that i could just as easily listen to in my room but it’s my car , dammit , and i love it , even if i haven’t purchased my subs yet . and even though some things that i’m anticipating require a few days wait ( five days and four hours ) , other things will keep me going until then . tru .
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2003 26 June :: 3.27am
:: Mood: high
:: Music: sublime - doin' time (uptown dub)
i am not addicted to any drug .
i want more marijuana but the boy who loves woman and calls girls sweetheart and freestyles like it's his job and tells you it is and passes off track eight off Back For the First Time as his own writing and packs huge bowls then throws them on concrete floors under tables and picks up only the resinated pieces and leaves glass pieces on the floor without realizing that little kids might step on it and thinks he is eminem has it all because it is his .
i gave out my phone number to a lot of people tonight that were so strange . one of them is black but acts white but uses old slang that is no longer cool and wants you to call him superman , just not to his face . i am connected to most of the people in boca who apparently don't realize that i was never cool enough .
i can show you a better time . baby you can drive my car , and baby i love you .
we are going to have the greatest fourth of july in the history of the world .
top and hop rhyme . silver doesn't rhyme with sliver , liver , or quiver .
tonight was ridiculously random , starting with amanda and ending with ryan fatigati , along with everything else .
6 1/2 days .
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painttheskywithstars
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2003 24 June :: 3.32am
:: Mood: dazed and lazy
:: Music: Gemma Hayes - 'Ran For Miles' and 'Evening Sun'
Today I ran for miles, just to see what I was made of.
Wow.. well i haven't written in awhile. I guess that's because I have nothing to say. I've had a huge loss of inspiration, motivation and passion. Now those are three things everyone should hold on tight to. Without it I feel.. drained and sluggish and most of all.. like a big fat LOSER!! It's 3:18 in the morning, and i'm awake because I sleep until noon everyday. And when im not sleeping im watching something interesting on tv or making out pictures in my white popcorn ceiling... one time i swear I saw an old mans face.. and another time i read "I love pot." Odd.. Anyway, now I'm listening to all these songs from Gemma Hayes.. really mellow, pretty music, and yes some may call it "Lillith-y" music. I need some MOTIVATION!!Something to make me get off my ass and get busy!! I mean there's SO many things i could be doing, it just seems SO MUCH EASIER just to sit around, watch tv and eat!! lol.. Im a nasty slob girl!! I'm getting sick of this mood I've been in. Tomorrow I'm going shopping.. and im gonna have fun! ;) But first I need to throw myself in bed and catch some Z's. Night readers. <3
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2003 18 June :: 1.44am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: common rider - classics of love
his hand grazed her cheek and their lips graced each others’ , and at that moment she knew nothing but his warm hands on her cold shoulder . reasons echoed in her head for why this shouldn’t be happening , for why she should pull away , for how easy it would be to just stop before it really began , but the tiny struggling flame of logic did little to combat the raging heart which refused to let go as easily as she thought she could . she knew things wouldn’t be the same after this ; not just with him , with everything . she knew that the reasonable mind would get out before she no longer could . what she didn’t know was that she was already there , or what was there waiting for her , and that it would be worth anything that she would be forced to give up , unwillingly and fighting to the end . if she were to be condemned for her choice , so be it . the path was marked long before she followed it .
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2003 12 June :: 1.23am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: sublime - saw red (acoustic)
i'd rather be chained together and burned in a pile with all our songs and letters (bright eyes) than be without you much longer . it's not the distance that makes the heart grow fonder , but the memories of late night phone calls that weren't as long distance and the long drive between houses that was less then fifteen minutes , except in floods where you met me outside with an umbrella . i don't think it was necessary to go so far , because i am pretty fond of you already , and if you come back , i promise i'll continue to be . and maybe you'd believe my promise more if i actually kept them all , and our last note hadn't been so obviously hurried , and maybe then you would come back sooner .
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2003 4 June :: 3.01am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: my hotel year - if only i spoke russian
thank God ...
your love is supercalifragilistic . you don't know how bad i miss it .
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2003 31 May :: 1.30pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: propaghandi - ska sucks
i wish gravity were the only thing pulling me down , but there's so much more . i wish when i screamed it made some sort of sound , but my silence is something much easier to ignore . i wish this wasn't so forced and childish , or that i could rhyme without making it cliche . i wish i wasn't so addicted to night , and that i always wanted to see the next day . i wish i was more open with my desires , and that it was always this easy to state what i need . i wish in my eyes there was some sort of fire , and i didn't purposely try to mislead .
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2003 29 May :: 8.36pm
:: Mood: numb
so i sit here , numb because of what's going on , unconscious to everything around me except the slight sting on my right hip .
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painttheskywithstars
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2003 28 May :: 10.08pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: none.. i'm in a rush to project grad.
c/o 2003.. OHH YAAA!
Today... I graduated. Yahoooooo! :) I'm happy and relieved. I looked around the room during the graduation ceremony and saw all thepeople I'll probably never see again... But alas, its FINALLY over... highschool is only a memory now.
"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives."
True.. but better is yet to come.
Class of 2003!!
Congratulations to me!
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2003 22 May :: 7.19pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: cool hand luke - we've only begun
as i begin to realize that this wall i’ve built , this protective covering , is slipping away , i’m just one day closer to watching you slip away . i don’t know how to explain – no , i don’t know how to understand that it’s just physical and that the emotion , the shared feelings , the unfinished sentences , the six hour three a.m. telephone conversations , the basis for what i never thought possible is still very much here , much more tangible than expected , and all i will have - no , all i will need . sometimes i think it’s unfair that things are found at inopportune times , but other times i think maybe it’s for the best , to make the heart grow fonder , if possible , for lack of better phrasing . so i sit here and hypothesize about why now , and all i can come up with is that maybe the level of maturity wasn’t there yet , and that we danced around this for so long that there must be some hidden meaning in the fact that it is here now . i don’t like leaving things unfinished but i know that i will finish them in time .
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2003 15 May :: 11.32pm
:: Mood: Exhausted, drained and so so tired..
:: Music: Mary Beth Maziarz - 'Souveniers'
Class of 2003? Let's hope so..
My fingernails are all chewed off. I filed them so they look clean at least.. but now when I have an itch, I can hardly scratch it because they're so dull.
I have what feels like, a jagged rock stuck in the right of my forehead from staring at my notes so long with much intense concentration and hopes of remembering all the cold boring facts.
Doodles all over my left hand (Because drawing on myself is ten times more entertaining than the amendments)
I'm wearing clothes similar to that of trailer trash, paint shorts and a shrunken tank top... and my make-up is racconey. It’s... really beautiful.
I'm practically buried in high-lighted, inky papers, I don’t want to move, for fear that all of it will jumble together and then I'll just get utterly lost and CRY! (As if I don't want to right now!!)
I have the word "Government" inscribed in my brain... and all words related to the word "Government."
I'm getting used to the shutting and jerking open of my eyes. I'm so restless and sick of these endless notes I'm forced to remember.
Does this sound painful to you? Because it is. I can't wait till it's all over. I actually prayed to God tonight (Only on rare occasions do I do this) I told him how hard I was trying.... I PRAY that he helps me out tomorrow.
Graduation is within reach.. and tomorrow's exam will determine if I make it to there.
So I’ll go read some more notes and PRAY the answers come to me on that dreadful, horrible test tomorrow.
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2003 14 May :: 7.51pm
:: Mood: eeeeeeee !
:: Music: spin doctors - two princes
if you wanna talk for hours , just go ahead now .
it seems like one minute i blinked and the next you were standing there , like some angelic vision , to carry me away , so i let myself be taken and now i remain here , in this unrealistic world where nothing can faze me and nothing goes wrong , and i keep trying to find fault in something you do to prevent me from sinking deeper and getting used to it , because if i stay here too long , chances are i won’t be able to leave . it’s like struggling in quicksand , and all the reassurance just keeps pulling me in again , and all my failed attempts to categorize you into a category with every other boy push me down further , because you’re nothing like them . i keep trying to give in to the doubtful whispers fluttering in my stomach in an effort to protect myself from falling too hard too fast , and this inexplicable worry is driving me crazy , because there’s nothing i can do to quiet it . and i don’t know how to explain to you that i’m not used to this , and it’s all happening so quickly that i don’t know if my head is spinning from you or from trying to comprehend how somebody can affect me so much in so little time that i completely ignore the fact that i have to be home by one or that there’s some things you just don’t tell anybody . it’s the kind of situation where your head is telling you you’re in too deep but you’re in so deep that you just don’t care . so i figure , i’m already in this , and i was never one to do things halfway . so if i get hurt , so be it . but i know you’d never hurt me .
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2003 5 May :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: hilarious !
:: Music: pachebel - canon in d major
can you find the flaws in her logic / grammar ? there is approximately 36,000.
susanis a winner (10:02:05 PM): hey
ruthann561 (10:02:11 PM): hi
susanis a winner (10:02:32 PM): you forgot to park in the designated parking space ... you parked in mine .
ruthann561 (10:02:42 PM): there wasn't a car there.
susanis a winner (10:03:00 PM): i know , but it's like reserved for me . you know . since i have to go to school and work and stuff .
ruthann561 (10:04:44 PM): what does that have to do with a parking spot? everybody else in this family does stuff too, would it make sense for all of us to limit ourselves to that one parking spot?
susanis a winner (10:05:09 PM): no i just mean that there was no car there because i was at school / work .
ruthann561 (10:05:35 PM): oh. well, i have work tomorrow too, so tomorrow there won;'t be a car there either
susanis a winner (10:05:59 PM): i know but i need to park my car there tonight so i don't get a ticket from the mission bay police or whatever .
ruthann561 (10:06:24 PM): are there any other cars in the driveway?
susanis a winner (10:07:42 PM): no
susanis a winner (10:07:51 PM): but i am not parking under that tree .
ruthann561 (10:07:56 PM): then what's the problem. i'm sure theres plenty of room
susanis a winner (10:08:04 PM): because that is not my parking space . you are occupying my parking space .
ruthann561 (10:09:08 PM): newsflash: it's not your personal property... we share. do u leave the supermarket if the spot you usually park in is empty? no, because there's plenty of room to park elsewere
susanis a winner (10:09:31 PM): you are not a news reporter and this is not a supermarket .
susanis a winner (10:09:42 PM): we share the driveway . i have my designated spot , you have yours .
ruthann561 (10:10:03 PM): get over yourself. if u do n't want a ticket, find somewhere else to park
susanis a winner (10:10:11 PM): uhhh
susanis a winner (10:10:14 PM): excuse me ?
ruthann561 (10:10:27 PM): ruthann561 (10:10:10 PM): get over yourself. if u do n't want a ticket, find somewhere else to park
susanis a winner (10:10:34 PM): i'm really glad you're home and everything , but you can't just come in here and disrupt everything .
ruthann561 (10:11:22 PM): oh no.. god forbid u don't park in a certain spot of the driveway for one night- sorry to disrupt EVERYTHING, but i hardly think that a parking spot counts as everything
susanis a winner (10:12:06 PM): i am not making a big deal out of this , i am just asking you to let me park where i normally park . you are like flipping out . i don't know why . i just want you to please move your car and let me park in my spot .
ruthann561 (10:12:53 PM): why do u think i';m flipping out. i'm not mad, i just don';t see why u think it's such a big deal, u have more than half the driveway at your disposition, make use of it
susanis a winner (10:13:09 PM): i don't like parking under that tree . i like my spot .
ruthann561 (10:13:23 PM): where did u park while i still lived here?
susanis a winner (10:13:38 PM): i had no car .
ruthann561 (10:13:55 PM): yes u did, \u've had that caqr while i've been here
susanis a winner (10:14:17 PM): i got it in december .
ruthann561 (10:14:31 PM): and i was here for christmas. where did u park
susanis a winner (10:14:47 PM): in my spot .
susanis a winner (10:14:58 PM): which is currently occupied by your car .
ruthann561 (10:15:42 PM): understand that it isn;t yours. this house isn't yours, the driveway isn't yours, the spot isn;t yours, and until u pay it, the car isn't urs either.
susanis a winner (10:15:52 PM): i did pay for it .
susanis a winner (10:15:56 PM): so it is my car .
susanis a winner (10:16:03 PM): none of this is yours either , not even the car .
ruthann561 (10:16:04 PM): oh, i was under the impression you were in debt
susanis a winner (10:16:05 PM): so i am one up on you .
susanis a winner (10:16:08 PM): not for the car .
susanis a winner (10:16:12 PM): i paid the car in full .
susanis a winner (10:16:15 PM): period . it's done .
ruthann561 (10:16:43 PM): it's not a contest, but if it was. i would bow down to you, susan, because you are one up on me
susanis a winner (10:16:44 PM): i am not asking you to move out . i am not asking you to call it my house . i'm asking you to please leave me the one spot on the driveway that i enjoy parking in . i think it is a reasonable request .
susanis a winner (10:16:52 PM): you are ridiculous .
susanis a winner (10:16:57 PM): i am not fighting with you .
ruthann561 (10:16:59 PM): i'll do my best next time
susanis a winner (10:17:00 PM): i am asking you to move your car .
ruthann561 (10:17:05 PM): thanks for the advice
susanis a winner (10:17:21 PM): i am not asking you to sit here and insult me because i spent money on people for christmas and owe it to mom .
susanis a winner (10:17:37 PM): i am not asking you to sit here and tell me that this house isn';t mine , because it's not yours either .
ruthann561 (10:21:55 PM): i never said OR implied that it was, and i'm not insulting you, just stating the facts. u are in debt, but guess what so am i, so it doesn;t make sense for you to victimize yourself insisting that i'm insulting you when i';m in the same senerio, the difference is i don't think it's a big deal to park your car, cuz ur perfectly capable of driving it, and like i said, i know you're possessive of "your" spot, so tomorrow i'll park whereever there is room, and i'm sure there'll be plenty of room, so i'm not worried or upset. i'll just do it differently tomorrow.
susanis a winner (10:22:25 PM): thanks .
ruthann561 (10:23:55 PM): no problem. if i happen to forget in the future, which i probably won't, remind me while i'm on my way out or something, not when i'm in the middle of something on line. i just agreed to park elsewhere, so as often as i think it's necessary (like when u r home or coming home soon), i will.
susanis a winner (10:24:12 PM): great .
ruthann561 (10:24:19 PM): not a problem
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2003 5 May :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: venusian skyline - murder red and gold
all i’ve got left are these beautiful etchings resulting from turned backs and fragmented insults yelled in portions served with dinner . there’s no use in attempting to explain myself . my frustrations turn to sketched impersonations , and it gradually becomes more important than caring to forge relationships that have deteriorated in front of my very eyes . i start to wonder if this is all for inspiration , and if it’s even worth it . then i hear whispered phone calls deliberately whispered a little too close to closed doors and the realization hits me that it’s not a choice of subject matter but a forced work of art that hits a little too close to home .
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2003 28 April :: 2.00pm
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: john mayer - your body is a wonderland
i want to slit my wrists but i don’t know how to do it without dying , and if you die , what’s the point ? because then you can’t watch them bleed . life is so fucking beautiful sometimes , but the kind of beautiful that’s sometimes unreal and grotesque , like a supermodel who deprived herself of one too many meals or a painting that’s been replicated one time too many and is grainy and faded with age and artificiality . it’s ironic and wonderful and hideously delightful , and it all depends how wasted you are if you want to see reality at its finest . i’m looking for someone right now , but i don’t know who . or i know who , but i don’t know why , because the worst kind of rejection is the one where you have no plea bargain , and nobody cares to hear you argue your case , so you stand before the judge , hands dropped to your sides in a show of submission before anybody who cares to try and pin the blame on you . and you shout “I’m innocent!” but they already have you painted in their minds as the guilty party , the defendant , and the condescending smiles irritate you to tears that they see as an admission of remorse . those damn condescending smiles . the freezing hot smiles , like when you touch a stove and for a minute you begin to wonder why something that boils water can be so cold , until your reflexes kick in with jarring effect and you pull your hand away and remind yourself to never look in that direction again .
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2003 27 April :: 7.31pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: death cab for cutie - styrofoam plates
it’s time to start anew . i’ll throw out the past , delete these feelings from my memory , and maybe some others that i don’t particularly like . i don’t really know why i bother , but i also don’t know why i bother trying to work them out instead of just ignoring them , because i know it never works out. and while we’re on this topic , i don’t know why you bother trying . you’re nothing more to me than an example of what not to become , along with most of the people that used to mean something to me . this past year has more been a lesson in loss , with some betrayal thrown in for added effect . right now i’m too overwhelmed with everything to start to fix what’s wrong , so ... that’s it . it’s gone . it’s not going to bother me when people call me things or say i’m doing things that I’m not , because confronting multiple people is too big a task to take on . it’s not going to bother me when i’m not really home alone but i may as well be . i'll shut my eyes to infidelity and my ears to derision , because they’re both things that i don’t deserve . from now on , i’ll focus more on what makes me happy instead of what makes me angry , and i’ll realize that speculation is bound to happen , even when i’ve done all i can to prevent it , and that i’ll be put down for attempts at consolation no matter what it is i’m saying . so i don’t know . i don’t know what the different is between my poetry and my prose anymore , and i’m not really trying to classify it , so i don’t ... care , really . i’m not giving up . i’m not giving in . i’m just giving everybody what i can , and trying to keep myself as happy as i try to keep everybody around me . we’ll see what happens .
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2003 22 April :: 6.32pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: sublime - boss d.j.
this road goes on for miles and miles , and i thought it was only 1500 feet to the park , but this is way longer . the scenery fades behind me ( fades to black ) and i watch through my rearview mirror ( watching my world disappear ) . and i’m driving and driving and driving and i’m late like always but i’m carefree as fuck , thinking , what’s five minutes more ? and i wish you were here so i could hold your hand because it’s not as big a deal as it seems sometimes , at least not right now . so then i start to realize that i’m writing in run-ons , and i hate run-ons , but i kind of like writing this because it is so representative of the mood i’m in and these thoughts that don’t stop . my head is spinning , but damn , it’s beautiful , and my tangled hair is the last thing on my mind tonight because tonight , i’m letting it all go . you know ? i’m done with dealing with shit , because you’re only young once , why all the drama ? just take my hand , because it’s not the approval i’m after . it’s all you , baby . i just want to roll the windows down because you like it just as much as i do and drive for miles and miles … or maybe just the 1500 feet to the park , so we can sit like we used to and forget all our worries because when i’m with you , they all disappear . if i had that effect on you , you’d never want to leave me , so i arm myself with distractions and turn this car around . after all , ten minutes is nothing . nobody will mind , and i can start this night off right .
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2003 20 April :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: incubus - calgone
WHOOOO IT'S FOURRRRR TWENTYYYYY !
he said he didn’t like them , but i told him they were the most beautiful eyes i’d ever seen . i always used to stare into them , switching lanes unintentionally because i was focused on the passenger seat , singing lyrics to early 90’s songs on the mix cd we both had a copy of ( and so did the following people : … ) . he had that thing with his eyes , and i with my hands , but he never hesitated for one second to turn and look at me , and never blinked when he did , so as to not lose that connection we felt ( i got to have faith , the faith , the faith ) .they were plain brown … shit brown … but it wasn’t the color that made them ( or him ) beautiful . when you looked into them , you could see the tortured emotion that was never expressed in the indifferent shrugs and the dissatisfaction in sitting on couches alone . you could see years of built up repression ; the tears that never made it down those cheeks , the tight fists never thrown , the outstretched arms that remained at his side , hands in pockets , instead of reaching out for her ( whoever she was ) . sometimes i felt like i knew him , but i always knew i probably never truly would .
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2003 20 April :: 11.18am
:: Mood: alex
:: Music: alex's voice
susalex.
dear journal,
alex has been really cool today . if i told you this was killing me , would you stop ? go go gadget arms . i want to taste your flesh . i have eaten large amounts of chocolate since 12:24 last night . it's not like we finish each others' sentences . TOENAILS . hi kids , we're home early . i'm drunk . not SO drunk , just drunk , times 100,000 . tom dancing and singing (you gotta work it) . hearrrrrrrrt . 1464 consecutive hours of hanging out , six of which , every day , were on the telephone . stop raping my journal . susan = books . it sucks cock . george michael's faith . swimming to the deerfield boat (are we just kidding ?) . free gas . stone cold strawberry milkshakes . marriage may 3, 2003 . HAPPY 420 2003 !!!! credit card ? you got it ! it's the faaaather . what a nice leg . love ice i mmmm cream . DANCE BREAK . QUADRAPALEGIC DANCE BREAK . i wish mr . fagen shared your enthusiasm for dancing . EVER !!!!! hi painter . stepmom . janitor . HUGE COCK . you always know how to make me smile . stop slobbering on me . crazy / beautiful . it's impossible to have too many inside jokes . NOOOOOO ! aleaf , because you were named after ... a leaf . pull my hair (ooh baby) . why don't you have hipbones ? my favorite book is comic books . WATER . greeyelloRED. DON'T YOU HATE PANTS ? huuuuuuuuh . what about public schools ? what ABOUT public schools ? HURRICANE . let's cut off our legs . NOTHING CAN STOP US THEN (except stairs) . mmm free sunglasses . mr . benavides (best joke ever) . donuts ... i've been sidetracked . you missed my mouth completely ... you obviously don't know what you're doing . i can take a hint .
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2003 17 April :: 1.16am
:: Mood: Starting to feel a little tired.
:: Music: Still Taking Back Sunday/ Rocking Horse Winner
As if I didn't write enough before, here's a little more..
Now its 1:00 in the morning and I just downloaded “Ghost Man On Third” By Taking Back Sunday thanks to Kiersten.. good good song. We have a four day weekend, yayyy. So much better than school. What a prison. I went out with David tonight .. well actually last night but whatever... we went to Rotelli’s for half cheese half pepperoni/sausage pizza and garlic rolls. Mmmm mmm. Then we went and saw “Phone Booth.” I definitely recommend this movie. It’s one of those on the edge of your seat, nail-biting, “Oh noo!” movies. I didn’t think of anything else the entire time I was watching it, it was so intense. Not scary, just intense and thrilling. I thought it was gonna suck cause the whole movie is based around a phone booth in one day, but, alas, I was proved wrong. I love my boyfriend. That has nothing to do with anything, but we’ve been getting along really good lately, no stupid little quarrels, or big ones for that matter, and it’s just been really nice spending time with him. He’s the one to blame for my good mood right now. <3 I love you babe. Ahhh!!! I can’t wait for the new Radiohead album “Hail To The Thief.” I got to hear it Monday from my friendy-est friend in the world, Ben. *wink* I think as soon as I get it I’ll light some incense and candles and just chill in my marshmallow through the whole cd. Oh yea, I downloaded the 2 new songs from The Cranberries yesterday-- “Stars” and “New New York” Both very, very nice. They’re on their new “hits” album but I mean.. why should I get that if I already have every cd with each of those songs on it?? Seems like a waste of money to me.
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2003 11 April :: 12.09am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: The Postal Service- 'This Place Is A Prison'
Just like the Oscars
Prom is tonight!!! I’m so excited. I can’t wait to see how awesome everyone is gonna look. I need my beauty sleep ;) Many, many details when it’s all over. Night all!
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2003 10 April :: 1.43pm
:: Mood: amazing !
:: Music: nerf herder - for you
she's the one that nobody wants and nobody wants to be .
the lonely poet , the lovely disaster ,
the beautifully tragic , beautiful manic
depressed , suddenly smiling wonder .
the one who'll take your breath away ,
day after day ,
until she takes her own .
she's the one nobody can forget until the day she's gone ,
when everybody will
weep over lunch ,
mourn over dinner ,
and have moved on before they have said their good nights .
weaving in and out of crowds ,
weaving stories and casting spells ,
mysteriously cold ,
but heartfelt if you don't look too close .
that's the way she works .
keeping her distance to allow you to admire her from afar ,
believe what she shows you ,
unquestioningly accept the lies and removed deceit .
don't blink , though ,
because you'd hate to miss her
good-bye .
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2003 9 April :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: uberzone - dream sequence
you stupid fucking cunt . i haven’t even opened my mouth yet and already , you’re turning with spiteful whispers for things you don’t know about . sometimes i let my mind wander and i wonder what you would do if i walked up to you and stabbed you ( in the back , to throw a little poetic justice in ) . i wonder if you’d still sit there , smirking , saying things you know i’ll hear about or hear myself because i can see you trying to glance at me without letting me see you . utter something hateful as your last dying words . i don’t think you would be so strong without your cheerleaders at your side , encouraging your slight smile , and those harsh words you never seemed incapable of expressing . you are nothing anymore . don’t you understand ? count your blessings , and you’ll still have enough fingers left over to count the times you’ve turned on me . then when you turn it all around , backtrack , to pick up the things you’ve abandoned in your urgency to dispose of all that means nothing to you , you’ll realize it’s gone . scattered by the wind , or perhaps by your careless actions that also mean nothing to you . maybe that’s when the gravity of what you’ve done will hit you . when you realize you have nothing to care about anymore .
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2003 8 April :: 5.21pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: bright eyes - when the curious girl realizes she is under glass
punches are being thrown
right and left
until the only way out is to
sink to the floor
front row center
crouched, hands covered faces
to protect the only i
dentifying feature to others
and when the Saints come marching in,
you’ll slipinlineunnoticedtoblendin
w i p i n g o f f
the Sinful lipstick that was always too crimson
( blood red even )
to match the stains on your hands
from instigating fights and blaming it on other
from pouncing when backs are turned
and t h r o w i n g the
blade into the bushes
instead of into backs for once.
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2003 6 April :: 1.46am
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: lisa loeb - stay
after night after night of thinking about it , i think i've realized why it's so hard to let you go . it's not me - it's you . you make every girl feel so beautiful , so loved , so desired , that when that's not how you see them anymore , that's what they're used to . i can't really fall asleep without calling you anymore . even if you're not saying those same sweet words , your voice still triggers memories of days when you were . you really know how to treat a girl . love 'em and leave 'em , right ? except you should really work on the "leaving them" part . somehow you can't let go either . you need somebody to love , somebody to care for , because that's what you know how to do , and do well . then you chase them , after weeks of fighting , and they come back to you . but it's never quite the same after the first time around . then one day it ends . you either find someone new or come to terms with yourself and ... that's it . and you leave them . you leave them with midnight phone calls , trying to find deeper meaning in "sweet dreams", or with candles that can never again be looked at , much less lit , without evoking a soft , vague longing for this intangible quality that can never be regained . or , worse still , you leave them wanting you when they know they shouldn't , so they fulfill their unmet needs with scribbles at 2 a.m. on a wrinkled piece of notebook paper torn out of a history notebook , wishing that the paper would belong in there , in history , and it would take weeks of studying before they could begin to remember any of the tragic details . but they can . without so much as glancing at this once-white sheet , now covered , front and back , in blue words and cross-outs where words failed to meet poetic standards . they know which syllable , exactly , that your voice faltered on , and the last word they were able to utter straight-faced before they began to give in to the stream of tears cutting off the stream of bitter , hurt words they had rehearsed the entire three mile drive to your apartment . they know which red light they almost ran because that was where the bomb was dropped on them , and the make , model , and color of the car they almost hit turning into your neighborhood , anxious to get out the words they had thrown together and memorized in an attempt to get them all out tearless , standing strong and unaffected in front of you , with those faded numbers on your door as a focal point in the background . they'd recognize the scent of the perfume of the woman that walked by as they knocked on your door , or the color t-shirt of the little boy following behind her . in-CRE-dibly . again . palmetto and lyons . gold 2002 nissan altima . 120 . ralph lauren "romance" (how's that for irony ?) . dark blue with dark orange stains on it from the popsible in their hand . fuck you .
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2003 7 April :: 12.22am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: A lot, but at this very moment; Sloan- 'The Other Man'
Similar to a break-up :(
I cleaned out my sky-blue Subaru today :( It was heart-breaking. I haven’t really been in my car since the accident, there was no reason to.. It’s completely dead. I sat down in that familiar seat and breathed in that familiar car smell. There’s a different car smell in every person’s car. Mine smells the same as the very first day I ever drove it, the summer before Junior year. At first I didn’t really like my car because it was old and boxy and nothing remotely close to the beachy-jeep or sporty-Celica I longed for. But after I started personalizing it with stickers and junk on the rear view mirror, drawings all over the windows, and trash everywhere.. it just became a “Me Car.” And I loved it. I loved being in it, I loved it’s smell, I loved driving it.. even if smoke poured from the engine at almost EVERY red-light.. It still drove fine.. and it gave it spunk. And now.. that luxury has been stolen away from me because of a stupid accident. And they’re gonna take my car and throw it in some lonely junkyard with other dead cars and smash it into a million little pieces. My red Rocking Horse Winner sticker will be a loser in the end. My doodlings will be crushed into the shards of glass forever. There’ll be a wide empty opening where the windshield once was.. the windshield that cleared my thoughts and helped me escape so many nights. I’ll always remember the constant sound of laughter, my friends and I singing at the top of our lungs, beach days, road trips, music turned up as high as possible, racing a mustang just to see if maybe this time I’d win. I’ll never forget my blue Subaru. The car will be gone, but the memories made in it will live on forever.
R.I.P
1988-2003
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2003 5 April :: 3.52pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: iron butterfly - garden of eden
Award winning poetry . haha .
The topic was unity :
Untie the bonds tightly wrapped around them.
Binding ropes, shackles and chaines,
All carefully, deliberately knotted, word for word.
In sickness (but I booked this business trip months ago)
And in health (you watch them, I'll watch the game),
Till death do they part, averting their eyes,
Avoiding the other woman in their bedroom.
It's not for them that they remain one,
But for their three perfect, innocent, wide-eyed excuses.
They live their life blink by blink,
Teaching their most precious possessions not of unconditional love,
But of the black contract that ruined her life,
Unifying the better and the worse,
(the latter more prominent),
In a glowing example of society's demise.
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