The Korean Lover's Life

The Korean Lover's Life

:: 2006 26 March :: 6.14pm

The odds are against me... I keep trying to do what I need to do sooo hard but for some reason theres this road block that I can't seem to get around...

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tuwang

:: 2006 23 March :: 11.06am

all I wanna do is go home, be a loser, and play elder scrolls 4 all day... but I have to sit here at school.

Oh well, I've got ALL weekend I suppose... no work at all until monday.

fuck I need the moneys so i can catch the last train to japan...

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Tuwang

:: 2005 1 January :: 3.34am

new graphics card in.. yay!

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jacqui-chan

:: 2006 18 March :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: crappy

Messed up
I screwed everything up. I think I've caused about every problem for myself that's possible to cause. I did something stupid, then told JD about it, and now he's mad at me. He said he doesn't even want to look at me. He doesn't believe that I'm sorry, or that I love him. Even though he knows very well that I've never stopped. I don't know what to do. He refuses to see me and now he's trying to get out of going to church with me. That's all I asked for for my Birthday, from him at least. I just wanted him at church with me, that was always my favorite time to spend with him. I don't know why, we just connected more there.
I don't know what to do at all. I love him, I really really do. And now he'll barely speak to me. He figured out how stupid he'd been before. We kissed the other day and he had realized just how much he wasn't over me. And last night he punched Metzger in the stomach for saying bad stuff about me. But I messed it up. How do I always manage that anymore? Because I don't think, that's how. Ugh, I'm so stupid sometimes. I feel like such an idiot, such a jerk.

Wow, I suck. That's for sure. This time it's my turn to be the jerk I guess.

Anyway, I'm out. I'll c ya' Monday.

XOXO,
Jay

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tuwang

:: 2006 16 March :: 12.04pm

I've kissed...
01. [x] on the cheek.
02. [x] on the lips.
03. [x] on their hands or fingers.
04. [x] in my room.
05. [x] in their room.
06. [x] of the opposite sex.
07. [ ] of the same sex.
08. [x] a little younger than me.
09. [x] a little older than me.
10. [x] with black hair.
11. [ ]with curly hair.
12. [x] blonde hair and blue eyes.
13. [x] with red hair.
14. [x] with straight hair.
15. [x] shorter than me.
16. [ ] with a lip ring.
17. [x] who i truly love/loved
18. [x] who was drunk.
19. [x] who was high....
20. [x] in the morning.
21. [x] right after waking up.
22. [x] just before bed.
23. [x] late at night.
24. [x] who i had just met
25. [x] who I really didn't want to kiss.
26. [x] just talking not dating.
27. [x] on a bed.
28. [ ] in a graveyard.
29. [x] at school.
30. [x] against a wall
31. [x] at a show. (what kind of show?)
32. [x] at the beach.
33. [x] at a concert.
34. [x] in a pool.
35. [x] who was/is a good friend.
36. [x] in the rain.
37. [x] with a mole on their body
38. [x] in the shower
39. [x] in a car/taxi/bus.
40. [x] in the movies.
41. [x] in a bathroom/laundry room
42. [x] in the dark.
43. [ ] on a roof top.
44. [x] under water
45. [x] while driving
46. [x] a stranger
47. [x] more than one person at once.... ( ha ha... funny story... )
48. [x] crying
49. [x] goodbye forever
50. [x] when i was drunk.
51. [x] who didn't speak english
52. [x] in a hot tub
53. [ ] in an elevator
54. [x] an ex
55. [ ] last night.
56. [ ] Just today.

all I know now is I feel like a whore... I shouldn't have taken that...

14 comments | leave a comment

tuwang

:: 2006 15 March :: 11.30pm

Some dude hacked my e-mail... sorry to those angered by the things this guy said but it wasn't me...

His excuse? it was done to him so he did it to me....

Tuwang128@gmail.com <----- add it

and andy, if you can at all help me figure out where this guy is loggin in from than that would be nice...

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tuwang

:: 2006 14 March :: 12.28am

I feel like ranting...
I think I've decided that I totally, and completely hate people of religion, for the most part... well, that's tough to say and is pretty broad so let me do this by expample...

por ejemplo:

I am talking with someone about something. Doesn't matter what subject. Talking talking talking... "Do you pray?"

BAM!!! you don't even see it coming, has nothing to do with anything. It's just that they've been told to get other people to join so they can get enough money to have their lazer tag party and haven't yet figured out how to ease their way into the subject. So instead they charge in like a member of an old germanic tribe and ask you " Do you pray?"

Well, I'm not one to stay on this subject because I only become depressed or angered... so I say " Yes ". I promptly get the response. " Oh, thank goodness..."

Now hang on a minute... what the hell is that supposed to mean? Does that mean that if I don't pray you're pretty sure I'm a bad person and that you've wasted the past 15 minutes having a decent conversation with a human being? Because , heaven forbid, you have a conversation with a mere mortal... And why can't you just say thank god anyway? Are you so scared of this obniscient being that you can't even thank him? It's not like you're dropping a GD... which I can understand being upset over.

And then you get filled with stories about how they had some experience with jesus and a mirror... always with jesus and a mirror...

and lately to me, it seems like everyone is joining the godly bandwagon. Which means I'm either missing something or I'm just dumb. or both. And with girls especially. It seems really difficult to communicate with a godly girl. They just seem to be too high up there and so good that you can't talk to them. And they probably won't talk to you. And it's mostly girls jumping on this god band wagon. It's really depressing when girls won't talk to you because you aren't godly enough, or look at you wierd because you are very open to not godly things. I mean, I'm not going around, jerking off, having sex with whores, doing heroine, and swearing... or atleast all at once... ( that's a joke , to all you bible thumpers)

And really, I'm all for freedom of speech, freedom of religion, ect... but I mean, stop using it as a means of judgement. It's like a competition... everyting is a god damn competition...

That's another thing, I hate competition. Yet I do it. Or atleast I'm always trying to compete. It's just aggrivating. I can't just let things go... I just get in that zone and I want people to say, oh he's good, but it doesn't happen because I'm not at alot of the things I compete in.

and now I've gone and pissed kelly off

(P.S. kelly, I can't go in anyway, because technically I'm not here)

Is there ladies out that that won't press religion on me and won't compete with me? that would be nice...

22 comments | leave a comment

tuwang

:: 2006 10 March :: 7.44pm

I thought that I would find out what I really am... and this is the shit I get...

You are a
Social Moderate
(50% permissive)

and an...
Economic Moderate
(50% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Centrist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

no help at all...

3 comments | leave a comment

Jacqui-Chan

:: 2006 9 March :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: crushed

What do you do?
What do you do when your still in love with your ex-boyfriend and he likes one of your best friends? What do you do when you just want them both to be happy, but to have that you'd have to suffer? What do you do when he tells you he'd date her if he could? Then what do you do when he hugs you and tells you he's so happy that you can be there for him, because he doesn't feel like he has anyone else. What do you do when every time you see him you want to cry or just kill yourself because you know you'd die to have him back now that he's changed? And what do you do when you can't do anything?

Ya' know what I do? I lay awake at night and don't eat a lot during the day. I run and workout at every oppurtunity. I work as much as possible. I stay busy, because when I'm busy I don't have time to close my eyes, or wonder how my heart could possibly still be beating. I never thought it could hurt this much to love someone. I never knew I loved him this much.

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Tuwang

:: 2006 2 March :: 10.16am

Lookin like a long day ahead of me kids... I'm tired as hell and i have to wait till 6. Kind of sucks.

Later then...

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tuwang

:: 2006 28 February :: 12.13pm

I think.. no I know that I am being slowly driven insane by my utter inability to do what I say I'm going to do... It's sort of like that "you can't do anything right" feeling, but with the conscienceness of knowing that it is infact your fault.

Damnit, I just did it again...

I'm thinking about chopping my hair all off, or letting it grow out. I'll let the democratic system decide this one... insert your votes.

I can see this making me feel bad about my looks...

9 comments | leave a comment

tuwang

:: 2006 23 February :: 11.16am

So the kid says...

"Well, cigarette companies won't put money into curing cancer because that would disprove their theory that cigarettes cause cancer..."

I know... and the worst part is that about half the class gave the good old... "mm hmmm" of agreeance after he made this uncanny statement.

but me, with my finely tuned bullshit prevention system, had to argue

"I'm pretty sure we are all know that cigarettes cause cancer..."

when did this thought even come into his mind? Are you fucking stupid? I went on with:

" Alot of research went into this, it wasn't some doctor arguing with a corporate head like babies. I'm sure, after this doctor has provided irrefutable (sp) evidence ,that there's some head of a tobacco company that argues, " I do not believe that ciggarettes cause cancer..." and then everyones like
" well, the guy in the nice suit does have a point..."
" yeah, he's right..."

Then I said..
" and that's my point if you completely ignore the fact that they put a goddamn sticker on every pack that says. " FUCK TARD, SMOKING THIS SHIT MAY CAUSE DEADLY CANCER!"

Then everyone did the "mm hmmm" of agreeance with me...

maybe we should just install a hand that comes out and back hands you when you try to smoke... Nobody can want to smoke so bad that they can completely ignore being bitch slapped like a new york whore everytime they try to consume your menthol flavored doom... I'd actually appreciate it, it would stop me from doing it...

who the fuck smokes menthols anyway? who thinks that just because it's mint flavored it's going to taste better, and/or make your breath not smell like a gorilla's flaming bowell movements...

I had a good coma yesterday...

God damn. anyways, been pretty bored... how is everyone?

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Jacqui-Chan

:: 2006 20 February :: 2.36pm
:: Mood: lonely

Never changes.
Why do I do this to myself. I let myself get lost in him again. But just as I do that he becomes a class A jerk again. I don't like that, but I can't stop it. Somehow I feel that I need him or something. I don't, and I realize that. But I don't act on it. He does a million stupid things and I let him counter that with only one sweet thing.

I was going to give him back his ring last night, we never actually did that. But when he came over I lost it. He was being so sweet. We were acting like we did in the beginning. It was amazing. I suddenly realized why he'd been my best friend for so long. Then I told him that I'd been about to give his ring back, and he got really sad. He asked if I still wanted to. I said I really didn't know. Then he told me that he didn't really want to give mine back or take his back, but that it was really up to me. He expressed the same confusion that I've been feeling. He said that when he was with me he wanted to be my boyfriend again, but when we were apart it was nice to be free. I feel the same... but I know that I'm still in love with him. I don't think he really is still in love with me. I think he's just in love with the idea of "us". I don't know what to do. I was SO jealous last night when he and Kayla were over. Caleb was suppose to come too, but since he didn't it was just the three of us. I didn't enjoy that in the least. I love love Kayla, she's one of my best friends anymore, but JD likes her, and I hate that. My mom at one point asked if I'd just invited them over to watch them flirt. I was gonna' kill her... mostly because she asked aloud the question I'd been asking myself all night.

UGH!! What am I suppose to do? I feel helpless somehow... like no matter what I do I'm screwed. He gets all freaky and jealous when I do stuff with other guys, and he never does anything with other girls. But I hate just sitting around thinking about what was and what might've been. "What if's" should not be the focus, and I pride myself on not thinking about them... at least not a lot. So what do I do? Just sit and wait for the world to work for me? Or do something about it? The latter obviously... but how? What do I do about it? I have no idea. And he is NO help at all.

And to think Saturday would've been 11 months for us. Instead it's been a month tomorrow since we broke up. Isn't that crazy? Yea!

Okay enough babbling. Advice would definetly be appreciated though.

Bye loves.

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Jacqui-Chan

:: 2006 20 February :: 10.41am
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: JQ99 FM

Life
So, I'm sitting at a desk in an office answering phones, drinking coffee, and typing on the computer. On top of that I'm talking to crazy men who walk in asking for my mother and grandfather and don't know me. And who are now on a mini-tour of the facilities with a man I have known as grandpa Duane for my entire life. Yep, I'm officially out of school. Or I could be. Up until today I thought I'd hate working in an office, but it's not that bad really. I enjoy it. Plus it's really not too busy yet... which is good. And JD's bringing me lunch later. I love him... what a sweety?! But yea this is really weird. I feel all grown up. Like I'm totally not in high school anymore. I even had coffee in the "break room" while watching MSNBC or some such news program. Yea, that's just nuts. I like today... going back to school tomorrow's gonna' seriously suck after this.

Now onto the only way I can tell I'm still 16. HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA!! See last night JD came over after work, and we hung out. It's so weird when we do that though, because we both still feel the need to act like we're together. Example: I said something to him joking around and he tackled me, basically, but when I looked up at him he said "You want to kiss me." And I said "yea, but I'm resisting the urge", then he kissed me. It's so hard not to revert back to our old ways. Although I do like friend JD better than boyfriend JD most of the time. And I think I like myself better now too. But I still like being in his arms. Last night we went upstairs so I could show him my new stuff, and we ended up just laying on my bed talking about last spring break. And while we did this he just held me, like it was all okay again. Like we were still together, and still in love. I missed that a lot. We're so much happier now. It's crazy.

Okay, enough thinking about that. It's just messing with my head more.

I'll talk to you guys later. Have an awesome last day of break all. Love you mucho.

XOXO,
Jacqui