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2003 23 October :: 1.42am
:: Mood: impailed
look at what i've done. LOOK!!! i can't look her in the face now. shit. i don't know anything. i'm afraid. i never love those two but i liked them enough to fear what happened. so this is it, huh? this is my shit. i guess i'll eat it and see what happenes. i have no one. i am a rogue. i always will be. i'll pick up the shards of these shattered dreams and beat it out of here.
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2003 23 October :: 1.39am
:: Mood: guilty
i feel numbness in my throat. i'm shaking. i'm crying. i'm falling apart. my world is crumbleing. you should see me. i should go kill myself for this. this is worse than i thought................what the hell am i?
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2003 23 October :: 12.40am
:: Mood: disappointed
Equilibrium: unachievable
that's it. there is no such thing as an equilibrium in society. there will always be a system and in that system there will always be conflict. does that mean we shouldn't fight the system? no. it simply means our fight, for the moment, is in vain, because the man that dies with the most toys STILL DIES!!! but i don't just mean between groups. in everything. in relationships. one side either has or is expected to have a certain amount more, well not so much power as in more having the ability and obligation to keep the relationship alive. through my experience, it's more commonly the guys, although there are cases in which the girl gets to be more mocho, though i must admit, those rarly do to good. why? because once again, it is expected that guys will be the ones to work up the nerve to ask a girl out, to kiss them, to really do anything in the relationship. not that i'm saying girls are incapable of that, it's just harder because it's not "normal" it's not what the system says. it's not what is to be expected. and between groups, the powers will never balance out. there will always be punks to fight prepies and preppies to fight back, and there will always be sways in the power, and there will always be kids like me that really don't relate to either group and are torn between the two and thus are stuck in a depression. it will never end. but then, i have tori, and i have my friends, and i have my family, well, my sister, those are all people like me, my true friends, my sister, tori, we're all stuck in that void between rebellion, system, and lower system. basically, preps, punks and preps. it is an endless conflict.
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2003 23 October :: 12.19am
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: tomorrow, smashing punpkins
oh now i feel like shit. last night i promised i'd call at eight, but couldn't until eight-thirty due to my dads giahumungus lecture, and the fact that he neaded to take us to dinner (hell knows why). so yeah, tonight i get home and try to get through my chores and homework as quick as possible, it's only eight thirty, and madeline takes the phone. i could have been, "fuck no maddy, i promised tori i'd call at eight, it's fucking eight-thirty, and i haven't called her, and i don't give a flying fuck in a frozen over hell what your problems are" but no, i went and thought, oh poor maddy, all crushed like this, and then i bitched at sean, which was loads of fun, and now they're talking away and i'm stuck in my own shit. i feel so irresponcable. this brings me to explain a train of thought today. last sunday during the surmon, pastor doug went on in mock form about his love when he was twelve, with his stupid grin on and his sarcastic droning voice going off again. what the hell does he know? he said that love at that age is unacheivable. so does every other adult i've talked to. my dad said strong feelings, but he could have said love, but no, he didn't want to cantradict or make an acception to all of his past statments about love. he knows i love tori. i told him i thought that their stupid punishment was worth the time with tori, and that's fucking love, m'kay? if love isn't when every single issue and problem and obligation and virtually every section of your life secondary to her's, i have no idea what is. if love isn't having her being the only thing you can think about for 90% of the time and then the other 10% of your thoughts lead to thoughts about her, i don't know what is. but love is a dieing species, and it's dieing quick. you here guys tell girls they love them and then dump them the next day, and guess what, that whole i love you load, was nothing mor than a load. a load of shit. love is non-biodegradable, it doesn't go away. it sticks. and though you can ignore it, when you step on it it hurts your foot. eventually you will not be able to hold it back anymore. it shakes loose.
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2003 22 October :: 12.05am
my sn on msn messenger is "I have a voice in my head. Tori stabbed it with the spoon of temptation"
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2003 21 October :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: Let it be, beatles
well, yeah my mom bitched for a minute and my dad gave me an hour and a half lecture, but it was worth it, it really was. plus, i can argue my way out of it anyway. so yeah, he asked me if i loved tori, and i said yes. then he asked me if gived the chance would i have sex with her. no. you sure? what if she started to take of your cloths. i'd tell her it was a bad idea, and she's not like that at all. well i don't know her so how can i believe you? you can trust me. but you disobayed my rules. i told you i didn't give a rip."
and don't. tori is the only person that understands me and she loves me and i love her so i'll spend as much time with her as is humanly possible. so there. her heart beating against mine, her head resting on my chest, her arms around me, that's all worth more than life itself. that IS life itself, and you can't have it. they want to know the most intimate details of our relationship, but that's for me and tori. so some are witness to it, that doesn't mean it's their buisness, and it's not. it's ours. it's what's between us.
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2003 21 October :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: Victorious
:: Music: path
And as for the little voice in my head, well of with it's head because tori does love me!!!
HAHAHA!!! hows that feel you stupid bitch?!?!?!?! huh, HUH??? i win. you lose. i could almost see the lookm on your face as tori out her amrs around me. hehehe, don't give me that bullshit you little fuck, you are my pessimism, and i kicked your ass. tori loves me, so :P!!! yeah, go hide your ass-ugly face and cry. i created you, but she destroyed you without a thought. you suck, and i left you and i'm never coming back!
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2003 21 October :: 10.59am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Rain, i can't remember who wrote it.
Tori's pain
I can't erase what devon or brian or me or anyone else did, and i know we all hurt you in some way or another, but i will hold you till it heals, and the scars begin to fade, it does get better than this. just cry till it's gone, till you can't cry anymore.
"I can't stop the rain from coming down on you again, but i will hold till it goes away" Thats part of the song. i'm not going to pretend to be all mocho and shit and say that i can change the past and erase it. what is is, you can't change what they did, but you will heal, and i know morgan feels the same way as me, but we'll be here to hold you, a shoulder to cry on, until the wounds close up and the scars begin to fade, until you feel like you can face the world again. and even then, we'll be there to back you up, we're not leaving yet, so feel free to cry, to hurt, there is nothing wrong with that. i botttle up to much, pretend it's not there, and then things like the wendsday before last happen and people get hurt. i explode. my bottle overflows. i can't stomach the shit. so don't be like i was, just let it go. i hate to see you hurt, but i hate even more to see the hurt way down in you where it can't get out. it's like an infection, if left alone, it could kill you, and yeah, school in 45, so i got to go now, i'll see you there.
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2003 20 October :: 9.08pm
:: Mood: impailed
well, come on, if i'm some emo kid so fucking be it. I DON'T FUCKING REGRET IT AND CHANCES ARE I'LL GO TO ANOTHER ONE!!! get the fuck over it!!! i don't care!!! i love tori, and so what? it's not like i'm ashamed of it, and if she goes to a fucking dance then i'll fucking go with her!!! and if you want to throw a punch or two over it, i'll throw a few right back, and you know as well as i do, maddy, that i could kick your ass. i don't care what you think, i really don't.
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2003 19 October :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: i was in a good mood, until my entry didn't save,
:: Music: cheap trick - i want you to want me
jim?
so last night around mindnight, jim called and we sorta got into a little fight, i don't even remember what it was about, but i was like "so do you think we need some time off? is that what you think?" and he said "yeah, i guess" so i was like "well if times what you want, then you have all the time you want." and i said bye and hung up the fone.
he called back a little later, while i was still crying [i didn't answer the fone.] and was like "jena, i love you blah blah blah i just don't know why you always get mad at me.. blah blah blah.. i love you so much, and i never ever want time apart from you. i love you so much, you can call me back even though i know you probably wont. love you, bye.." that was pretty much what he said, i probably left out a couple things, but it's okay, it was for me anyways, not for everyone else to hear.
i was crying for probably 30 minutes, before i got that.. then i fell asleep around 1 or 2.. he called at like 3:00, and i answered. we made up i guess, though i don't really remember what we said. but he did say sorry.. and that he loved me and everything..
today he called me before he went to work, and we talked.. but just for a couple minutes, cause he had to leave for work. and we just told eachother that we loved eachother and all that good stuff.
i was going to have my mom take us to the movies after he got off work, but he worked overtime cause someone got fired or something. so that screwed my plans for making up with him. [damn that person for getting fired. =(=(=(]
he came up amys around 9:30-10:00.. and we hugged, and kissed and all that good stuff. i love him so much. i can't even imagine not being with him. i don't even know what i'd do.. probably die.
this wed. he might go with us to the little town near harrisburg. [aww!] i can't wait to go. thank god i get out of school.
-x|x- jena
-----compared to what i wrote, and what really happened. this sounds like a fuckin fairy tale.
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2003 19 October :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: anxious
so i wait, i look over the facts. she never directly told me she loved me, but she got mad when people told her she didn't. two fridays the friday before last, well, that could be a good day fo acting, but she fit. that's what doesn't make sence. she fit, but she is speaking of being betrayed and and hating someone she said she liked and loved. if it was just love, i would feel better, if it were just like, i would feel worse, but i know deep in my heart that truth hurts most, but lies never heal. i need the truth, who does she hate? who betrayed her? i wasn't begging for her to stay, hell i told her to get to work, but still my pessimistic ways are kicking in and i have no idea what to believe anymore.
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2003 19 October :: 5.47pm
:: Mood: predatory
:: Music: I wish you were here- Pinkfloyd
Off the phone with tori
when she said she was cold, i wiggled. I FUCKING WIGGLED!!! i really wanted to be able to hold her, to at least try to keep her warm (and i know someone will read this and take that like i wanted to fuck her which would not be the case, so yeah, fucker) i wish she was here. all of quins birthday party i wished she could have been there, except the part about when he, and his parents found it, and they thought he had been masterbating, and, oh holy hell that was nasty. ok, the concept was nasty, it is, it's fucking gross, but the way that happened and what happeneed after was, well, alot nastier. so yeah, no way she's ever hearing THAT story. well, i don't know. she's whispering in my ear again. she wants your flesh and blood and bone. she wants to rip your heart out and cut it open and drink it. she wants to take your worlds and make them crumble, and the only thing stopping her is me, and the only thing stopping me from letting her is the strength i see in you guys everyday. so stay strong, it'll cost you more than just your life if you give up. so stay strong and i can too.
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2003 19 October :: 2.04pm
:: Music: black water song, maralyn manson
"woke up today and wished for tomorrow,i don't want to be like anyone else.
woke up today and wished for tomorrow, i don't want to even be myself."
this cuts'll scar, won't they? well, whatever. i'm making tori a necklace, but i probably won't be finished by tomorrow. i found what i'm using for the key peice. it's sort of a preworn brass. i hope she'll like it. i'm really bored. Tori, when you get a chance call, but i'm getting a hair cut (not to short) so i may not be home.
and there is no garuntees that we're doing it today anyway.
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2003 18 October :: 6.19pm
I was thinking about the sixth grade when tori pried it out of me who i liked and when i asked her if we were still friends she just said," of course silly." well, i like her picture. very fitting. well, i have to go before i'm killed by my sister.
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2003 18 October :: 4.42pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: more tachno on tori's computer
Shoulder to cry on
I hate this. being a guy sucks so much. who gave us this rap in the first place? who? i'll shoot them, i would. Who was it that decided that guys were supposed to be tough and able to handle themselves enotionaly? they were a moron. we hurt, we feel pain, or is it just me? is it? it is isn't it? either way, i still don't know what to do. the way i see it, the world puts more on my plate than i can stomach, and so i should be able to eat till i'm full and then dump the rest off, but no, i'm supposed to eat it all and puke it all over every one. in other words, take all i can than have someone to just listen to my shit that i can't eat, let it fall with the tears, harmlessly to the ground. but no, i have to eat it and the overflow and do things like 2 weeks ago when i attacked madeline, that's what happens when you spew on people. so girls don't want to hear my shit, guys would just reject me and give me more, adults want nothing more than to shout out their opinions and i just wan't someone to listen, not to give me bake the shit i'm spilling out. that's what i need. a shoulder to cry on, but i guess, because of what i am, there isn't one, is there?
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2003 18 October :: 2.57pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: strange technno on tori's computer
don't give me that shit
i have so much to yap about it's disgusting. ok, so here it is. first we start with updates on my current emotional status. no one cares but me, so i don't know why i do this, but i do, so :P. well, optimistic outlook- she loves me and brian and ian were right.
realistic outlook- she loves me, but brian and ian's coments were less than possible.
pessimistic outlook- it was a sympathy comment and she doesn't at all, and in fact still likes brian or quin or devon. hmph, i wish i knew what to think. i can't figure this out. ok look, she's having "troubles" (fuck my prying and lip reading abilities) and is just a little embarresed and doesn't want to talk to me right now. that makes sence. you can't blame her for that.
/ oh i know what you want to say/ what then? i wan't to say alot of things, most of which i will. no matter, that's for murgzy anyway./ whatever, you know-/ just go, your screwing with my entry. well, yeah, i know that this sounds wierd if i say it in my own words, so i'll quote various people from last night with as much accuracy as possible
first off.
Ian-"paul, dude, are you crying?"
paul-"no man, i'm fine."
Ian-" no really, what the fuck is the matter?
Paul-*glares*
Ian-" oh, i get it, brian, come over here, now, no sam you fuck off, this is serious"
brian-"what it is?"
Ian-" i don't know, something to do with tori."
brian-"do you love her?"
paul-*rolls eyes and says sarcastically* nooo........... what the fuck do you think??"
brian-" does she love you?"
paul-" i- i think so..."
Ian-"then what's the problem"
paul-"I know she has a legitimate not to be talking to me, but i'm a fucking pessimist, OK???"
Ian-"what's wrong with her?"
paul-"No way i'm telling you, but it's not as bad as i know you think it is."
Ian-"How much do you love her?"
paul-" if it were seven years from now, i'd marry her"
ian-"you know, that doesn't seem so impossible"
paul-"what do you meen?"
ian-"she fits."
paul-"huh?"
ian-"you two go together'
paul-"don't give me that"
ian-"what?"
paul-"your shit. you know that's what, 140% longer than i've known her before i could think about that sort of thing"
ian-"whatever, man, whatever, but you know you're wrong, you will marry her, she's fucking perfect"
paul-"would she marry me?"
ian-".........."
five hours later i'm lieing in the dark, watching the matrix reloaded and thinking to myself '90% of who we are is who we believe ourself to be, and the other ten percent is who everyone else believes us to be. that is the system. we are made up of beliefs.' and then i smelt her hair again, and realized the biggest obstical in my way was my own beliefs that i wasn't good enough for tori to ever love me, so i acted like a pessimist, and now that i believe that i'm above that, i can rise and at least believe, if not be, that i am worth something more than a road block, a obstical for her to pass. i won't let go. so don't try and make me. please, accept my apologies for my selfish and negative behavior. i will be stroger than this. i am, that is what i believe. ok then. life is getting better, it might be worth living...
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2003 18 October :: 3.49pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: scooby-doo on tv
-hopefully moving-
okay.. jim had to be at work at four and he didn't call me all fuckin day.. it's 3:42 right now. so he probably left for work already. god. i am so pissed off.
To Die Alone
Your greatest fear is to die alone. You are
probably a very shy person. The thing you want
most is someone to understand you and be with
you.
What's your greatest fear? (images)
brought to you by Quizilla
george is going for an interview [for that job near harrisburg] on wed. and my mom and i are going to go with him to look for some houses. we need him to get this job so much. we need the money.. really bad. so i get to skip school wed. [thank god]
i came home from school early yesterday. fuck school. i hate everyone in it. why can't people just leave me alone, and not ask me questions?
xx. jena
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2003 18 October :: 11.31am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: silence
(more upset than mad)
"i'll call you when i get home from work" were some of the last words i heard from him before he left to go to work..
11:30 came.. no call.
12:00 came.. no call.
12:30 came.. no call.
1:00 came.. no call.
1:30 came.. no call.
2:00 came.. no call.
2:30 came.. no call.
3:00 came, i gave up and went to bed.
so, yeah. i am a little pathetic, waiting about 3 hours more than i should.. i knew past 12:00 if he didn't call, then he wouldn't call at all.. but you know me and my wishful thinking.
i woke up at 6:00 crying in my sleep. i had a nightmare.. though i don't want to talk about it.. i went to the bathroom, and then stayed up for about 30 minutes, because i checked my cell for any missed calls, or messages someone might have left on it..
jim's my whole world.. so what do i have left when he's takin away from me?.. nothing.
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2003 17 October :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: sad
he studied her for a long while when he walked in the door "you look tired," he said.
not tired, sad. she thought to herself, as she smiled and slightly shrugged it off..
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2003 17 October :: 9.47am
oh sure i trust her, i know i can't be that bad, it's tori after all. but when your head gets stuck on that, your listening to maralyn manson scream"rebel rebel, bitch bitch, rebel rebel, party party, sex sex sex and don't forget the violence" and are going insane because your cut off, you can't help but right, and if the thing on your mind is what the hell was in that backpack, your going to right about what the hell is in that backback, and it wasn't so much not talking, it was the knowledge that i couldn't that got to me.so i wrote a list, and it came out, weirded out. so what? does that mean i wouldn't put it past her to have most of those things? well i would, but there are a few closer people i wouldn't, though, frighteningly enough, i'm beginning to be able to see her with those ones....NO! MOTHERFUCKINGNO!!!! itrustheritrustheritrustheritruustherITRUSTHER!!!!! ok, all better now. i know she got that email, i know she did, and she doesn't answer to those. if she wanted to fucking say no then go ahaead, say fucking no!!! that'd be twice as good as not saying anything. i can handle more than you obviously think. i forget most things by the next day anyway. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!! hmmmm, i think it's time for another burning session. this should be fun........... now do i do it with them, or them, or them, or all by myself?well either way, i'll put it out of my mind. i have jazz band in fourtyfive minutes and really should go...... but tori, about your last entry, i know why you said that. i'm sorry. farwell chilins...................................
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2003 16 October :: 8.08pm
oh, joy, quin called and we are going to the dance on his birthday, i guess that means i lose the bet, no, waut, it was just for the eith grade formal, i don't owe sandy squat. and we'll only be there for a minute, and tori will be there, so it won't be that bad. so yeah, the dance, whatever. i guess i'm glad i have my ASB card, but whatever, i need to go but it's so addicting.........
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2003 16 October :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: impaled
:: Music: maralyn mansin
that entry was for me. i know you hurt, but i don't hurt as much as i protray, or maybe more, and just show the wrong reasons. either way, i'm lieing to myself and my friends. i know i should put what ever the hell is in your backpack out of my mind, but it keeps coming back. i need to get off before my mom catches me, but i'll write a list of what it could be and give it to you tomorrow. it's nothing personal, just my mind going wild, and i think if you look at it from that perspective, you'll find it to be most, amusing.........*smiles sinisterly* mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha...............well, love you all, see you later (except cory, cory's an ass, a flaming ass at that, but i know, that sounded preppy) well, maddy was right. who gives a fuck? only me for it to matter. no more worrying if that's "preppy" or not. i am who i am, no one's changing that, ever, so i don't care what i am, just who i am.
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2003 16 October :: 1.16am
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: brown eyed girl, sex pistols
ok, no more acting out this dramatic crap. we're in love, and all is happy. so will you go to a movie with me?
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2003 16 October :: 12.02am
:: Music: crawling in the dark, hoobastank
"systimatic decline"
I, i can't take it, i think i'm gunna pop. this is all too much. "oh hi paul, hows it going? what's up? come hang out with us. come here, i need to talk to you." or how about when they stand in the way, intentionally, like they want me to go away. that's probably what she wants, but i want them to go away, so we're even. i want the whole world to go away, so i can just be here, with her, and the only people that matter, and watch the rest burn in systimatic decline, my systimatic decline, because i would make them all go away, if i could.............
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2003 14 October :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: iris, googoodolls
What the hell have i done this time?
i know she's not, i know she doesn't, but non the less i feel like she has a bubble around her that i shouldn't penatrate, like she's holding something back. friday, friday was so perfect, and now i don't know what to think. i know i'm being selfish, but what can i say? i'm sick of not getting answers, so i think that i'll do what the bleeding room told me to do to ensure a 100% chance of that destiny, though ten years of pain is a long time, in the end, i find her don't i? well, i had a dream, a dream that i was stranded on an island with a ton of scientist and we found these indian people who were like,"go away!" and we were like,"No!" and then they're all,"OK then, we will go whine to the carrot god from the top of this hill!" and we was all,"whatthefuck???!!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!" and then, mother fucking big carrots and a boulder or two came out of nowhere and rolled down the hill and killed a few of us, so we summoned the lighting god (however the fuck we did that) and we could use two types of lightning on this one indian dude that was obviously someone of importance, and we could use either purple or green lightning, and when we did, we could move him to a special spot, because it made a box around him, but i liked purple better cause it reminded me of tori's journal when i first saw it, so that's what i used, and then i went to have other dreams, possibly more twisted than that, and tori, i'm calling so :P!!!
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2003 14 October :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: the used - bulimic
not that it's any of your business..
just to clear some things up, about my last entry.. i wasn't talking about anyone that has a journal on here, or any of my "friends".
so, who ever left me that note. there you go. it clears that up.
apparently people didn't read the disclamer on the top of my journal. so read it. NOW. so maybe next time, you won't have a problem.
i'm going to go, shut the computer off because it's storming really bad.
xx.jena
p.s. i love you jim.
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2003 14 October :: 1.51am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: The day the world went away, NIN
Everuthing withers to nothing, nothing is all i crave
I'm beaten, i'm bloody, with both my blood and theirs, and i'm sick of fighting already, but i've one the first battle... but yet, so many lie ahead, even tonight. but as i take my place if she falls, i take my place right here for now, in here arms, but i know you hate reading that over and over again, don't you?
-YYYYEESSSSS-
hmm...my mind is static, i think i might have the upper hand already. but no reason to get lazy, lots of work to do, and it's only ten to eleven, so what am i tired for? who knows. well, fuck, i'm not pissed at anyone right now. if devon were right here, i might not kill him. no, scratch that, i would. and i'd make it slow and painful. let him live for a few years, but cut off certain, extremities while he's asleep, and once those heal, move to other ones, until all that's left to take is his head.... ooohoohoo, thinking about that makes me worm and fuzzy inside, i wish he would read it, would someone givew him this adress please? then i will combat him verbaly until his weak optimistic brain is pulp, oh look, brain and brian are spelt almost the same, even thought they totally contradict each other.... well, i'll wait for tori to post now.
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xxinterrupted
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2003 13 October :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: cold - stupid girl
..
no one feels sorry for you.
so don't try and make them feel bad.
7 you constantly make it impossible to |
make conversation
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Aaron
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2003 13 October :: 3.07am
:: Music: The day the world went away, NIN
clearing my head
ok, this is the last for tonight, i need to try and get some sleep. tomorrow i'll wake up and try to forget about what kalie said or what happened to maddy and focus on tori. yeah, that makes me feel better anyway, even if it doesn't solve the problems. but if kalie wants to go and lie up a perfect strom and kill us all, what the hell, and madeline doesn't seem to want tomuch help right now, so maybe i'll just let it blow over. well, good night. and i think tomorrow, well.................maybe i won't, maybe i'll chicken out, but who knows? i might, i might not. but it's 12:05 and i have jazz band in the morning at seven fourtyfive, so i need to ry to sleep, so byby.
PS i think it's funny how maddy acts like her apin doesn't effect me, yeah, she kinda screwed herself when she spilled her blood to me, so now it is my buisness, and sean will hurt for this, as long as i exist in the hearts of my friends, sean comfort will hurt.
make conversation
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Aaron
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2003 12 October :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: thegreatbelow, nine inch nails
well, here it is. we all have a place, so go and find it, and help the fight, or wait for life to pass you up, either works.
2 you constantly make it impossible to |
make conversation
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