everyone we know is growing old

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 7 October :: 2.06pm

fuck this,
if i ever get the chance i'm dead

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 1 October :: 2.40pm
:: Mood: depressed

i hate when i get in these moods.
where i think i'd be happier if i was depressed..
and when i want to be all alone and never see another human being again..
it makes me feel so guilty to have some.. me time..
if you could call it me time..

to have some time where i'm not happy and i'm not trying to make sure everyone else in my life is too.
it just gets so hard to be happy all the time..
and to just pretend like the shitty stuff in my life isn't going to eventually happen..
or that things aren't shitty right now..

i think a lot of this feeling comes from not having a job.
and from having debt..
and not being able to go for walks.. or even sit outside.
i can't do anything i really love doing..
and it's really depressing..

i can't even sit up long enough to paint...
idk.. i feel alone..
and i miss how my life used to be.
i miss having a life.
and i miss feeling like.. i'm not just an.. antidepressant..

i just feel worthless and useless right now..
and i just want to pretend like i don't exist.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 30 September :: 10.20am

man..

best date ever.
period.

too bad life can't always make me that happy..

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 12 September :: 3.32pm

my hip seriously hates me.
today.. is my first day off where i am alone at sus's place.
and it is so so so boring..
and so so so full of sleepy sleepy time.
and it is nice..
but kinda sucks..
:/

8 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 5 September :: 5.41pm

i know i say this a lot..
and i only say it because it's true..

i hate my life.

i just want to sit and cry forever right now.
and i want someone to help me.
but i don't want anyone i know to help me.
i want a stranger to help me.
and to show me that love is real.
and that my life isn't meaningless now that love doesn't exist.

a
life
without
love
...
that's terrible!

too bad...
it's true.

i'm just so done pretending to love..
pretending that faerie tales are real..
no one ever feels like the stories..
and if they do it is only for a second..
and then they start feeling like they are dying.

what is the point of that..?

w/e.
i need to just accept that i can't be helped.
and that i probably don't need help.
because everyone feels the way i do at least sometimes..

:: 2008 3 September :: 8.50pm

I always hate the end of summer, but I guess it's different this time because I have no where I need to be.
I feel like I wasted my summer, but I know that isn't true. I just can't help but feeling like things could be a million times better I could be doing something right now instead of watching the National Geographic channel and updating stuff on the internet.

I hate thinking like this. Things are the way they are and that's it.
I hate thinking about how things could be different and how much I want things to be the way they were.

ahahsldkfjsldkfj
I need to not think about this anymore.

sdlfkj

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 30 August :: 5.22pm

i don't like making big choices.
and there's going to be a few i need to make..
and it's going to suck.

:/ shitty life.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 19 August :: 11.50pm

today was not beautiful.

well, not all of it.

but the part where we almost died was.
haha

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 18 August :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: happy

i haven't felt this happy in a very, very looooonnnngggg time...

i just made dinner. i actually cooked dinner all by myself.. and it was just like i remember it when we used to eat it at home..
i made it perfect...
and WAY too much of it haha..

idk.. nothing can bother me right now..
i'm just..

things in my life will work out.
and i'm finally starting to be me.

and it feels really, really good to finally... FINALLY.. meet myself for the first time..

and just think..
i would have never, ever found this feeling if i stayed in spokane..
if i had stayed at tacobell..

really to be completely honest..
sus has really, really changed my life..

and to think.. i didn't think we'd be friends.
i'm so glad i was wrong.

i love it when people come into my life..
and fix it.
without doing anything..
but loving me
and letting me know that i can trust them..

life is just so beautiful.
and everything in it is too..

and i'm beautiful.
and amazing..
and if you can't see it.
then you should go shove it
haha

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 12 August :: 10.23am

i really wish i didn't exist right now..

nothing feels right..
no one feels right..

everything is wrong and i feel so mad.
and angry..
confused..

i just want to scream and be away from all the awfulness in the world.
and all the horrible things that make me hate myself..
and the people who make me hate myself.

i really, really just hate myself right now.
and i don't really have anyone to talk to.
so i'm sol until i stop hating myself and go back to being happy.

suck city folks.

:: 2008 11 August :: 10.07am

i really don't know what the hell i'm feeling right now.
should i be sad?
or happy?
i hate this.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 10 August :: 8.58am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: DEPRESSING SHIT KIDS

all things must come to an end.. i guess.
So it's over.. It really is just over..
....

It was really funny.. we were sitting on the couch talking about what the best thing to do was.. and we're both just sitting there thinking "shit.. fuck.. it's over.." and it just starts POURING rain. seriously cats-and-dogs style. first time it's rained like that since winter..
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK??
so i was like.. wow.. i really hate when i get my way..

he almost cried.. and i cried a little.. and then i was like.. "Uhm.. idk what do to.. i'm going to go kick it with tammie and her bf.." and he was like cool i'll go program.. and i just left..

idk.. so i spent most of my evening shopping with tammie for random crap.. then we went to the bf's and ate potatoes and steak.. and i wanted to cry so so so soooo bad, but i didn't because i didn't want to seem like a loser..

i know i look really strong. and i know that i never cry anymore.. but this really, really hurts sometimes.. i know it's for the best... and i know we've honestly been broken up for a while before we actually said anything.. but that doesn't make my heart hurt any less..

so i'm moving out in September.. and moving in with tammie.. and it's going to be sooooo much fun! but until then i'm still living with him.. and it's weird..

last night i came home and went straight to bed.. i was so upset i forgot to lock the door.. he was at the store.. idk.. i had the worst feeling driving home and walking towards the door.. it was so horrible.. "i'm going to be alone.." all the lights were off.. i just brushed my teeth and layed in my bed.. and i just.. my kitty was trying to make me feel better, i just started crying.. but it wasn't like sobbing.. just quiet crying for about.. 2 minutes.. then i stopped.. idk why but i just didn't want to cry anymore..

then he came back from the store and layed down next to me.. "were you crying..?" smile.. i laughed "yeah.. maybe a little.... ... How do you feel..?" he smiled and was like "i feel ok.. how about you..?" i laughed again and said "i have no idea.. heartbroken i guess.. bad.." then i laughed again "it isn't supposed to feel good when you get dumped, right?" and he laughed a little "my heart is broken too.." and we both laughed a little.. you know.. the like.. 'i'm only laughing right now because i have no idea what else to do' kind of laugh..

.. and it hurts still..
but.. i have no idea..
i really don't know..
but whatever happens..
there's always the future..

i still love him.. and i know he still loves me..
it's just that the world hates us.
if only i had stayed in school..
we're like romeo and juliet, only not stupid.

so.. yeah..
i'm done for today.

7 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 5 August :: 9.18am

yesterday was a terrible rotten no good very bad day.. or however that goes..

it was really crappy.
and now my hip is going back to being awful..

spokane visitation soon... going to see lauren and brittany and my fam fam and kirk and hopefully have an amazing time despite being COMPLETELY BROKE 100% NO MONEY DUE TO STUPID HIP INJURY AND WAAAYY TO HIGH RENT...

so idk what's going to happen. b/c i don't know if i can even afford the tattoo with so little money coming to my pocket and most of it going to that stupid credit card that all it does is tell me to spend it.

grrr...

i am trying to part my hair on the wrong side.. it is giving me a horrible headache hahaha
yay!

i posted my resume on monster..
i'm so done with that hellish monstrosity of a call center.

GARRRAAHHRRR

heh
oh yeah..
i'm so hungry..
but we have no good food here..
because we are dumb and didn't buy any...
haha

:(

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 4 August :: 9.16am

so life is stupid.
and things and people in my life are stupid..
and i just am so done with having people in my life who make me feel stupid.

so i decided that i won't let them make me feel stupid..
by making sure i never give them any ammo to do so..

i keep forgetting i was accepted to bcc and uw this year..
what make me give up?
i have no idea what the reason was that i wasn't going this year..
....
am i just really, really stupid?

i just need to go choke and die.
i'm just a pussy.
i need dreams.
goals.
and a back up plan if i dont marry a rich man.

haha
wish me luck

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 26 July :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: depressed

i don't think i like vicodin
so... here i am.. at my house.. alone.. like always..

where is kirk? hell if i know...

i hate this stupid fucking place.
i hate everything..

today really just.. when right down the shit hole whn i got home..

i don't think i can take this much longer.
i...

i feel so worthless to him. like i'm not really a part of his life..
or at least a part he enjoys..
i just want to run away..
i just want to die..
i want to stop existing..
i wish i had never started existing..
i feel so small and insignificant..

:/

on a higher note i found my old mp3 player haha

:: 2008 24 July :: 5.32pm
:: Music: marilyn manson - this is the new shit...

no matter how hard i try to stay away from the drama that is my friend's mouths..

it seems to just.. find me.. and try to destroy me. and i hate it.

the first thing she asked me when i said we had been hanging out was...

"Did you have sex with him?"

and when i said no she said:

"Well you know I'm the first person you'd tell."

Her arrogance really, really, really pissed me off. who does she think she is? i most def would not tell her first.. or at all. not after last time.

i just hate the feeling like she thinks that i'm obligated to tell her everything in my life. she isn't my mom.

god i love this song. and i don't know why.

:(
but i think i'm going to try to go back to DP.. but i'm scared..
i saw a doctor today.. and he was so...
i wish i could be like that.

follow your hearts kids, because that's all that matters in life.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 23 July :: 9.26am

i feel like i'm dying.

and my friends here are making me so angry

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 16 July :: 9.04am

i'm starting to think i should stay away from woohu...
it just makes me depressed because everyone on here is depressed...

yesterday was a horrible day..
i was so upset and angry and hurt yesterday..

i really hate my job...
and i really hate most of the people there..
and i just..

i wish people were happy.
and they weren't assholes..
and they kept secrets..
and they didn't lie about other people..

i'm getting sick of humans again. GRRR

tonight~!!!!

I'm driving to spokane!!!!!
and i get to see LAUREN!!!
and my family!
and yay!

:: 2008 15 July :: 10.43am

going home tomorrow night..
little nervous..
little excited..
i just don't know what to expect..
GAAAHHH
i just hope nothing goes bad..
haha

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 11 July :: 9.59am

:)

life is so wonderful.

:: 2008 5 July :: 6.15pm

things seem to just...

i don't really know what to say. i do so many things thinking it'll make me happy, but i really don't feel happy most of the time...

like today.. i had fun hanging out with someone new.. but talking to him made me feel depressed... i don't know what it is about certain people... maybe it's just because people who i actually talk to remind me so much of myself that it makes me feel bad...

makes me feel bad about being... me...

and i know it's all in my head, because i'm a good person and people like me... but when i talk to people so many of my faults come out that it just makes me so... upset that i have to be like this...

and it makes me feel so alone... i know this won't work out... no matter how much i want to have a good friend, i just can't help feel like it's going to be like every other man i've met since i've moved here...

at some point you'd think that i would hate men and just give up.. but most women are more of a liability than an asset unfortunately...

someday i'll make the friends that i need... i won't always feel so alone or so... self-loathing...

i really miss my family.. i know they don't miss me the same as i miss them... and i know i don't show it.. but in all honesty, they are really the only people i talk about here... they are always on my mind... i really miss having them close to me...

i can't wait to start my own family...

<3 amelia.

p.s. i got my ears pierced today! two more on my right lobe. sooo bad ass.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 30 June :: 1.04pm

Last night sucked so hardcore.
I think that's the last time I hang out with Quin and Morgan together.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but i'm kind of getting sick of it.
Maybe I just want someone to show me that they care. That sound's pretty lame but I'm not feeling it.

There were seven cop cars in front of my neighbors house when I got home from work yesterday, it was pretty ridiculous. Apparently, some 40 year old dude died and it was "suspicious".

Thursday, hopefully me and Zak Attack will go to Airway Heights and load up on fireworks for the fourth. :D
I'm pretty excited for that.

:: 2008 28 June :: 9.51am

so it looks like things may start changing for me... which is good and what I need...

kirk and i talked last night... we're going to start looking for a new place that's less expensive and bigger. because i know they're out there. at eat a place bigger for the same price. this place is too expensive for how much space we have...

and kirk's looking at things, but i don't want to say much about that because it's really all his choice and i'm not sure how he really feels about it.

i'm going back to school part time, because i'd rather just work and learn a little of what i want rather than putting myself into debt. i really want to buy a motorcycle. that's what i've really been wanting to do. a crotch rocket. but we'll see.

we might even get a dog if we get a bigger place! which would rock. i really want a dog.

hmm...

yeah, so yesterday kinda sucked and kinda rocked. so... we'll see where this takes us.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 27 June :: 6.48pm

wall-e is the cutest movie ever! <3

:: 2008 27 June :: 10.23am

allergies are bad this year.

my bird really doesn't like me for no good reason...

i, once again, am doing nothing on my day off other than dishes and the cat box... I hate days off just because it reminds me of how lonely i am.

DAMN YOU SLEEPY KIRK GO TO BED EARLIER!

at least it's a really pretty day outside. maybe i can go swimming today! that would be so fun.

i want to get another tattoo soon...... i wish i wasn't so afraid of my parents... what they'll think... stuff like that... it's my body i can do with it as i please... at least it isn't drugs or sex with strangers... i mean... the places are clean and the needles are sterile... it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. yeah they're permanent... but i can cover them up with clothing and what not.

i just don't get it. but i hate their disapproval. but i can't let their.. not acceptingness of what i love get in the way of doing what makes me happy.

I AM SUCH A FREAKING LOSER OMG.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 25 June :: 2.28pm

i feel like we're in an ocean... in separate boats... drifting away from each other... except i'm not in a boat, and you're rowing away from me... laughing about it...

:: 2008 14 June :: 1.47am

80's dance party?

i think so.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 9 June :: 7.33pm

people are so nice these days

I'm glad I have the chance to have assholes insult me all the time

:D