everyone we know is growing old

6 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 19 April :: 9.05pm

for all to see
my brand new baby.
Read more..

:: 2007 17 April :: 8.17am

opinions.
they make me feel like a dog.
like a stupid pet.
they don't respect me.
or my decisions.
they don't accept who i want to be.
or who i am.
and i don't really feel like they try.

my life is finally going how i want.
and they... hate that.
i don't know.
it probably isn't like that.
just that i'm not old enough to know what i'm doing.
and i never will be old enough.
i'll never be an adult.
i'll never make a good desicion.

BULLSHIT.

excuse me.
i'll call them later today.
later this morning.
i need to read.
and eat.
and try not to vomit and/or cry.

:: 2007 16 April :: 10.22am
:: Mood: silly
:: Music: dogs - page france

i really want to love him.

"and im not sure what happens
when everything here ends
but i hope its like they said
and i hope it never ends."

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 16 April :: 8.32am

BROOKE
i tried calling you like three times.
the first time i got a machine.
the second time i left a msg.
and then the third time the person who anweserd didn't know who you were...

i'm starting to think i have a wrong number.
what is it again?

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 15 April :: 10.26am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: boxcar racer

my life is changing.
it's changing very quickly.
but it speeds up.. and then i have to wait.

but i don't really want to wait.
and i don't want to worry about everything.

i really am happy.
it's the best feeling to know that someone loves me.
and i really, really hope it never ends.

but sometimes... i get scared...
because in the past they've all left.
and they've all broken my heart.

... even though he's already broken it once...
i get so scared that it'll happen again.

i'm afraid of putting myself out there to get hurt.
but i know that if i don't, i won't ever be able to be really truly happy.
and now i have the perfect chance and it's scaring me shitless.

and i wish i had someone to talk to.
who understood.
and knew what i was trying to say...

it's like... everything i experience it feels like i'm alone in it.

i wish i didn't always feel so alone.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 13 April :: 5.19pm
:: Music: boxcar racer

life
it was my birthday yesterday.

and it was a pretty good birthday. damn good compared to last year.

and i need to talk to brooke very badly.
because... i just NEED to.
so i will call on sunday. i hope.

<3
thanks everyone for giving me a great birthday.

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 11 April :: 9.19am

i've been waiting for this moment all of my life,
but it's not quite right.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 10 April :: 8.15pm

i hate not being understood.

:: 2007 9 April :: 6.25am
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: anberlin

i dont want to go to school today
alkjblksjdjjosidu7u98s9

yuck
i better go do my homework.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 8 April :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: playlist: breakdown

fuck alcohol
it steals people we love
turns them into people we hate
vomit, the smell of stale friendship
spinning into oblivion.
"fun" is what they call it
but they can't remember any of it
what's the point of being in love
if you know you could never lose it?

abandon me
steal my soul
i don't need it anymore
no one to share it with anyway.
-- a chemical substance
that burns life away and smells like shit
means more to them than i do
and we all know it.

my biggest fear
the largest dog in the race
finally won -- it's taking over my life
and crushing all of my dreams.
let me out, please give me a hand
my star won't burn forever
like their cigarette promises
and their shot glass li[v]es.

fuck this feeling
fuck all these feelings
spilling down the hallway, my eyes on fire
with oceans trying to quench my spirit.
i wish i could run from this hell --
where people are fake and demons are real --
to a place where maybe i'll find a "them"
that really loves who i am.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 5 April :: 10.54am

people tell me i'm beautiful...
but i can't help but have my doubts.
because my beauty feels so skin deep...
and only on part of my skin.

what is my beauty?
is it the shape of my eyes?
the fullness of my lips?
my hair? my nose?
what is it that makes me different?
or are all women beautiful?

but i do know that somehow... at least to him... i'm the most beautiful.
and that makes me happy... and makes me feel like... there is something in me that is beautiful...
what that is exactly i'm at a loss for.

i've always had this problem... i try so hard to figure out what it is that my friends see in me... what my family sees in me... but no matter how hard i try or how long i think about it... i can never come up with an answer to my question.

... and then my friends here... make me feel like shit.
i really hate how i feel here.
and i hate how i know that i am alone in this building.
sure, i have friends, but i don't ever, ever feel like they truly care about me.
i'm starting to see a pattern in almost all of my friends.
and it's discouraging.
and pathetic...
because i always set myself up for it because i'm so desperate to not be alone...

oh well.

c'est la vie....

:: 2007 4 April :: 11.02am

WHY CAN'T I GET A FUCKING HOLD OF ANYONE WHEN I FUCKING NEED TO??

god damnit.
i'm such a monster.

.... i feel like crying....
and stabbing my eyes out...
and singing really, really sad songs.
because i feel so bad.

and i'm so scared.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 2 April :: 10.53pm

i wish i had my old friends.
the ones that i felt close with.
the ones who really loved me.
and not this pretend bullshit.
because i'm done pretending...
and i'm done believing in faerie tales...

i really... i just want... to feel like i belong.
or that i'm important.

i miss those days when i had a best friend.
a real best friend who knew everything about me..
and could tell what i was feeling
and would know how i would react...
and even though she didn't always think about me before she did things...
i knew that she really did love me.

i really, really, really miss my brookelynn.
i really miss the other half of me.

and i really want it back...

:: 2007 1 April :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: techno

time
why is it that time always makes things better? i mean, a week ago i was the most depressed i've ever been in my whole life, and now... well, i'm still depressed but not as much as a week ago. i've accepted that my dreams might not come true and even though i want it bad enough it will never work out like i want it to. i've realized in the past week that faerie tales are all lies and that dreams don't really ever come true...

and part of me is okay with that...

but another part of me is crushed, and i think she will be for a long time. i think that that part of me is what i've always wanted to be, but i stopped me from being that part of me because if i was that, this pain would be so much worse because my entire being would be crushed and not a part of it.

or maybe i'm just making shit up to make myself feel better.

either way... i feel better... and i hope that it isn't just temporary.

my birthday is soon. i don't know if i'm excited. i'm getting older which is something i don't want to happen... i really am afraid to die and be alone, without him.

i'm done writing now.

:: 2007 30 March :: 8.00am

it's spring.
and i'm lovin' it.
because me a spring...
we love eachother a whole lot.
like woah love eachother.
<3
aahhhhhh spring.

:: 2007 30 March :: 7.55am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: safe and sound - azure ray

ahaha

man, i don't even understand where my dreams come from.
seriously
they don't make any sense at all.

anywayyyyyyyyyyy
eli's show is tonight
and i'm hoping to go with nicole and morgan.
and i want to hang out with loren today
so he can come to.

umm....

springbreak much?
indeed.
about damn time.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 27 March :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: depressed

is it really too much to ask to just... feel like someone loves me?

here, in this place... I feel like no one cares... and it's so big that you would think that SOMEONE would... but the only people who care are those being paid to care and that just isn't right.

and i would immerse myself in something, but everything feels so worthless and everything is ugly. and this whole place is filthy and stupid. and now it represents everything i hate and everything that makes me feel like this.

i've been feeling like this forever... and i just want these feelings to stop. i want the voice inside of me to be quiet... to leave me alone and let me be happy. i want people to believe me when i say i know what i want and i want people to know that my life isn't just made out of rain and storm clouds... i am happy sometimes, but only when there is something to be happy about...

and my life is anything but happy.

and fuck all of you who think i'm just being a melodramatic loser. because i'm not. and if you had my life you'd feel exactly the same way.

but at least i still go to school and i have a job, even though i don't want one and i don't care.

yeah.

i hate this.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 26 March :: 12.00pm

last night... i couldn't breathe

i seriously thought i was dying...

and now all i can do is think about how i'm still alive...
and i've been abandoned...

and that's something that i never wanted to happen...

....
i hate my life. i'm seriously disturbed now..
it's all i can do NOT to go insane...
and it's incredibly hard to do this...

...i'm so glad that i'm not completely alone...

but right now... it feels like i'm the only person in the whole wide world...

and it's a horrible feeling.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 26 March :: 8.54am

i keep having these wicked awesome dreams
and they're all stuck on the tip of my tongue

but maybe thats best.
cause who knows if you would think it was wicked awesome

you know what you should check out though?
"Wincing the Night Away"
The new Shins album.
its rad
'specially Australia.

so like,
go listen
NOW!

ps. im so happy.
and its good
and uggh....

NICOLE COMES BACK WEDNESDAY
I GO TO SEATTLE ON SUNDAY (with nicole :D)
AND DLFJKSLDFJDLSFKJ
oh yeah.

dig it?
cause i do.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 25 March :: 12.43pm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN!!! <3

:: 2007 23 March :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: the format

had the strangest dream last night about hypodermic needles.
and that shout song by otis day....

anyway.. here are some photos:

Read more..

:: 2007 22 March :: 8.06pm
:: Mood: mischievous

so, thanks to christina
i've listened to journey

and now
its stuck in my head
forever

just a small town girl, living in a lonely world
she took the midnight train going anywhere
just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit
he took the midnight train going anywhere

and then there's this fucking wicked guitar part.

ahhh

journey, i wonder why i never listened to them before......

HA.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 20 March :: 7.26am

i am not a quitter.
but sometimes i wish i could be.

i'm terrified for the rest of my life.
but i'm also super excited.
i really don't know what to do anymore.

but i'll make my life happen.
and if it goes bad i'll deal with that.
and if it goes perfect that would be the best.

most likely it will turn out between those two which is fine.

...

6 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 19 March :: 7.23am
:: Mood: sick

So, here are some photos from days I've missed:

Read more..

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 19 March :: 7.00am

"I have finally met someone who doesn't care what's on a pizza they plan to consume. Excluding (I'm sure) items you can't regularly get in a normal upstanding pizza establishment. Nope, no codpiece apples on that here pizza."

i guess this is some great skill?
haha
i just like pizza.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 14 March :: 8.44am
:: Mood: depressed

i miss being happy.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 12 March :: 5.28am
:: Mood: angry

i really hate my computer.

last night i had 200mb of free space
and now i only have 1.96...
i didnt even put anything on my freaking computer

sdlfjeoifjseoijfsldkfj

and i dont even save any documents on my computer sldkfjldkfj

WHERE IS IT ALL GOING!?!?!?
I WANT TO SMASH THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

wtf... i want a new hard drive..

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2007 11 March :: 11.17am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: death cab for cutie - what sarah said

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
"Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

:: 2007 11 March :: 8.39am
:: Mood: sad

d4
i forgot to post yesterday.
:S
oh wellllll

these things happen, especially when you're busy watching breakfast at tiffany's.

Read more..