::
2002 11 September :: 6.16 pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: lee greenwood - proud to be an american
waking up is hard to do when no one loves you
(mxpx - buildings tumble)
not only did buildings crumble, i did.
last night, i did it.
then today, everything just came crashing down. something with our mass to remember 9/11... i just could barely hold in the tears...
all through cheer practice, i put everything off. counted down the minutes. massive anxiety attack.
i dont want to cheer.
i dont want to do pom.
i just want to lie in my bed and cry.
i dont want to perform at the peprally.
i dont want to eat.
i dont want to listen to bob and jenny sweet talk each other between every class.
i dont want to be me
nothing is alright
nothing is fine
im running and im crying
i cant go on living this way
(papa roach - last resort)
why cant i just be the person i want to be?
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 10 September :: 10.12 am
:: Mood: philosophical
:: Music: jimmy eat world - praise chorus
ups delivers
yup - spirit week :)
last night was the first gymnastics classes. didnt go too bad. next week will definitely be better though.
ok, so no boss is cool. hours convienient. nostalgic to teach what ive spent my life doing (gymnastics). pay unbeleiveable. but you know what keeps me coming back? the kids. even the ones i want to smack. seeing their personalities shine through, predicting who theyll turn out to be when theyre older. its so indescribably cool. and amazing.
the sad part is... you can see a painful life ahead for some of them. the abused kids, the poor kids, the overweight kids. theyll grow up in tears.
i keep thinking about this one little boy in my novice class. he must be 6 or 7. we had a little incident where he ended up in a temper tantrum, in total tears. when i tried to deal with him, he ran to the empty bleachers on the other side of the gym. i hadnt done anything wrong. i didnt know what to do. so i just stood there for a minute, then proceeded with the class. i let him mom deal with it. well, she came up to me at the end of the class and explained the situation.
he has been diagnosed as bipolar.
this innocent little first or second grade boy. he has bipolar disease. it makes me cry just thinking about it...
with my history involving bipolar and depression (not necessarily me who has them, but experiences w/ teens who do).. i cant even imagine what its like for his parents. for him. its bad enough for teens, but they can understand it. he doesnt. he just goes with the flow.
this is one of those things that just makes me feel so helpless. so betrayed. its hard for me to accept that this child could be handed this burden so early in life. plus, his poor parents...
i wish i was at home right now so i could just cry for him. but since im in school, i just suck it up all day. itd help if i could be distracted, but ever since 745 last night, my mind cant seem to wander away from him...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 8 September :: 12.40 am
:: Mood: still pumped
:: Music: jimmy eat world - sweetness (even though i have no voice to "sing it back")
not only do i love loud punk music, i also love downtown.
C on the G is the *best* thing in the entire world
so yea.. after a rough day, it ended up alright.
celebration on the grand. so much fun. kelly, katie and me drove down around 6. i had a couple shots, we wandered around. then it got going... 19 wheels. im in love with them. i got a poster signed by them :) i wanted to cry i was so happy. its goin up tomorrow! and we totally rocked out to em. i saw 1/2 the people ive ever met down there. way cool.
bowling for soup kinda sucked. their lead singer was tryin to be like blink and be all perverted and masterbation-obsessed. but whatever. theyve got some good songs. massive moshing to that :) i love gettin in there and just pushin the guys around. lol, then i got shoved into a guy and he just turned me around and started macking on me. lol so much fun.
then we went and got slurpees. yum yum yum. :)
one downfall: the christian boys. mark, dave, mitch and matt were almost the only ones down there. a few others i either dont know or vaguely know where there too. they just sat up by the waterfountain the entire hour or so they were there! what party poopers! seriously... and then i couldnt find katie or kelly after that.. so i was a total lost child. i wanted to cry. mark was being a jerk to me for no reason. stupid pms-y guys when theyre girlfriends arent w/ them. *rolls eyes*
another let down was i missed my song. bowling for soup has a song called emily.. and it basically spells out my life. well, i was w/ the party poopers during it, and they were like "theyre awful" i wanted to cry...
i guess the things you do and places you hang out are directly related to who you hang out w/, and preppy people jsut dont understand the beauty of a good punk-moshing.
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 7 September :: 5.52 pm
:: Mood: verge of tears
:: Music: bowling for soup - emily
i hate _____
go ahead. fill in the blank. anything you want. i bet you it will still hold true. i have had a shitty shitty shitty, unproductive day, and i just want to go to bed and cry. all night. wishing someone would hear my screams. but no one will.
i dont know what it is, but i just feel like all hell.. a combination of everything all at once. i thought i was strong. i thought i could deal. but now im left on my knees again, and im crumbling quick.
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 5 September :: 9.41 pm
:: Mood: bouncy, uplifted
:: Music: valeria - rhythm of the night
in the end, its all ok...
if it's not ok, then it's not the end
yes, the day of hell has ended. (which i managed incredibly well, mostly due to my generally upper mood w/ this extra sleeping going on all week) not only has it ended, but it ended with a big ole wohoo.
ben called me. (my "boss")
im moving up to lead instructor for gymnastics starting monday. *cha-ching*
this means, not only do i get $11/hour and get to be my own boss, but i also get to be the "boss" of 2 girls *older* than me (by like 5 years).
that is the *coolest* thing in the world. im 15 and my own damned boss. :)
not only that, i had a few epiphanies today (in between my complete zoning-out periods that have been ruling my life since friday). its hard to share, but lets just say its awesome that i know whats going on now :)
now that im done sharing my good news (that, btw, i literally bounced around for 10 minutes about), im going to go. before the negatives slip up. yes, its not even 10 and im exhausted. night time for mle :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 3 September :: 10.27 am
:: Mood: paranoid
:: Music: 19 wheels... im in love with them
its 3rd hour now... praying i make it all day
so a party i went to this weekend... yea, someone's parents found out. im praying in every single class that i dont get pulled out by t-rock. thatd be bad. very bad. if those parents told the school what went on.. id get 3 days suspension just for being there. goodbye grades, 50% of my sports (including the CC game!!). goodbye to my car. goodbye to my life. id be fucked like you couldnt beleive! plus if mommy and daddy decided to take me down for a drug test again... specially cuz it was my 1st night off grounding. hey, i had to celebrate, ya know. but the rents would seriously flip...
i seriously think i have paranoia issues now. wohoo! something to add to my list of shit that i hate about myself. no, seriously. im so paranoid that i was afraid my parents were gonna freak when i smelled like campfire smoke. dude, i push the envelope so much with them. i came home 45 minutes after curfew (big deal) 2 nights in a row right out of grounding - smelling like smoke of various sorts. lol, and me and mark got pulled over by the po po's... totally scary as hell!
yea. im going crazy like this though. im always watchin my back, so paranoid that im gonna get busted for sumthin or another. guilty conscience? maybe. but im only guilty if i get caught ;)
mle
5 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 30 August :: 10.28 am
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: eminem (burning kathy's rap cd last night has put me into a rap-obsession lol)
i know what i have to do...
.... so why cant i just do it?
where to begin...
... i just want to be someone, something im not. i dont want to be me. but i cant seem to change. am i supposed to be this way my whole life?
why? oh god, why am i me? i never signed this contract, i dont want any of this. i dont want to be stubborn, unsuccessful, fat, lazy, dead, easily-stressed, negative. i could go on all day. i could list the people i want to be like, but that would go on all day too.
i cant wait for psychology 2nd semester, even if boner teaches it.
i want to know why i am who i am. what makes me tick.
i want to know why they are the way they are. what makes them tick. what makes them better than me. what gives them the right to make me insecure and inferior...
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 26 August :: 9.47 pm
:: Mood: all cried out, but no better
:: Music: silverchair - emotion sickness
school makes me suicidal
school makes me suicidal. only 2 full days of it is enough to cause a full-out breakdown tonight. i dont know how im gonna last through the rest of the year. every single year since 7th grade, its only gotten progressively worse. sure, some days are better than others, but in general its just downhill. kinda makes you wonder where ill be in, say 5 years. alive? happy? successful? i guess i can only wish.
so what is it that really makes me so miserable about school? i dont know. i mean, i do have a few friends. none that im super-tight w/ or anything, but i got a few good friends i could go to if i *really* felt the need. but they dont know any of my problems as of now. and id like to keep it that way.
but is it really worth living when my life revolves around the hell of everyday life (school, practice, commitments, homework)? today, from 5th hour on, was so bad that between 6th and 7th hours, i almost OD'ed on random meds i have in my bag. i dug up my leftover anti-depressants from my mom's medicine cabinet. i heard they give u a week-long high if you take enough (and based on my side effects from last fall, i beleive it). who knows. maybe ill start myself back up on them. i didnt eat when i initially started them, and right about now, i need something like that. i feel myself quickly slipping back into the absolute chaotic mess of binge/purge. and i dont wanna be there. that is quite possibly the worst torture in the world. even worse than the feeling of suicide creeping up on you from behind.
mle
3 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 25 August :: 1.19 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: bob marley - i can see clearly now (random, i know - i loved this when i was little)
an email to michelle
she sent me an email from her friend talking about her experience with eating disorders
hey hun
how r ya? im doin ok. way tired. my computer froze and i decided to just read your mail and hit the sack, so i didnt go back on IM.
although my situation was/is way different than your friend's, there are still a lot of things in there that i can totally relate to. obviously, ive never been hospitalized. i never plan on it. (well, no one really does)
id love to sit here and tell you that i, too, am over my e.d.'s because of a scary incident and that im totally changed and want to help others and so on. but itd be a lie. and no matter how badly i want to be "sane" and "normal", it will never be that way. and no matter what ive said/done in the past, i dont want to "get better." not now. i know im not ready to. and, quite frankly, i dont think its possible. only 20% of people w/ eating disorders completely heal and get over it.
michelle, after almost a year of it, i think the best word to describe the hell of eating disorders is traumatic. every moment is so dramatic and damaging and difficult. you have no idea just what it feels like until you end up in a binge, avoiding certain foods and following all the right tricks, and then running to the bathroom just to stand there, hunched over the toilet, forcing yourself to throw up for nearly an hour, hardly doing any "good", praying no one can hear you over the running water. then you stand up, look at the mess in the toilet and on your hands. the reflection in the mirror: bloodshot eyes, puffy cheeks, red spots under your eyes from sustained intense straining (which bursts blood vessels). the tears. collapse on the floor and just cry, wishing it would all be over. wishing you could be successfull at your attempts, wishing you could take back your actions. wishing you were someone else. then managing to get to your feet, cleaning up, rising your mouth with baking soda to neuralize acid, washing your face. slip out of the bathroom as you dig through your pockets for gum. your throat burns and burns. no matter how much water you drink, it will burn for hours. your head throbs and you feel dizzy. you go to bed, praying you will never wake up.
ive gone through that cycle too many times. of course, its a little better when you actually get what you wanted out of your system, but not by much. ive told myself many times im done with purging, and i know im nearing the end, but not quite there yet. ive only done it 3-5 times since we left for out west, and thats amazing, compared to the 3+/day i was doing at the beginning of the year. ive come a long way. but im still working.
i didnt go off on that detailed description just to scare you, or gross you out (btw, sorry if i did, i tried to edit it a little). the thing that is unique in my situation compared to virtually all others, is mine is public. my parents know about my bulimia. i even saw a counselor for it (but i didnt like her and my parents let me stop seeing her). kathy, mark van holstyn, brad, chelsey, you, danielle, emily white, lauren, laura brandsen, carolyn (?), ben... god, i cant even think right now. lots of people know. does it bother me? not much. it was my choice to tell them, sometimes it helped, other times it hurt me (like when i told brad in the very beginning and he brushed it off. therefore, so did i). im way open about it. and thats uncommon. i know i shouldnt - one of these times, ill really get sent to the hospital just because theyre scared, not cuz i need it. but i need to be open. its just hard when my best friend is sick of hearing bout it. idk. if you have a bad day, a lotta times you wanna talk bout it, right? kinda vent over it. well, ive had a bad year dealing with this (and dealing w/ food issues my whole life), so i have a lot to vent/explain about. but limited people listening. enter my online journal. but people know about it, and therefore i have to edit what i say in that too, which kinda sucks.
ok, i ahve no clue where im going with this. im sorry to go on and on. you know how that goes - get started and just cant quit. either way, please just, dont ever end up like this. be good to your body, no matter what size it is. i love you michelle. and you are lucky to be you. dont forget that, or try to be someone youre not.
love always
*mle*
4 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 23 August :: 11.40 pm
:: Mood: exhausted - 18-hour days will do that to ya
:: Music: weezer - island in the sun
good riddance pool rats
last day at the pool.
it was so freaking cold, and of course i had to guard in just my swim suit for 2 hours until we closed at 815pm. all of the 1st years got thrown in. they tied lauren to a chair w/ caution tape and threw her in the lap lanes. lol- shes not even a 1st year. it was so much fun. we watched cruel intentions. and of course, brandon showed up just for the last 10 minutes to make sure we *had* to guard (but we had a few other people in the pool anyways). that kid is such a poophead. lol. i hope im still around when he turns into a guard.
we went out to damons tonight. not everyone was there (no carlo.. i was way bummed). im gonna miss the people. i love aubrey, jane, steve, laura, and julie. that little group was so cool. i always wanted to hang out w/ them so bad (they offered for tomorrow night but im still grounded grr).
it was the 1st full day of school too. ugh, long day. i have a class w/ all seniors (which is way intimidating) and then a class w/ all guys. eek! lol, talk about 2 uncomfortable classes in a row! and i already have homework. poop on them, lol.
but i should bust. were helping lisa (and eric?) move into her new apartment tomorrow. were leaving at like 8am. that bites.
im gonna cry.. i lost my new system of a down pin tonight... *sniffle*
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 22 August :: 7.52 pm
:: Mood: pooped
:: Music: 19 wheels - 13 seconds to burn (our pom song.. i cant wait for my cd to come!!! i love 19 wheels!)
i want to do so much,
i want to be so much
so i skipped cheer today. but i had an excuse. so idk. i think im just gonna stick it out. id hate to quit once the games start rollin, but i wont know how this schedule is gonna work until i get some homework. then we'll see.
i talked to brennan and zainea today. i think im gonna drop my private dance class monday after school so that i can tutor a sophomore in spanish and start up a little creative writing group. thatd kick ass... a creative writing group. and mrs zainea is so supportive. i love that lady. i can actually connect w/ her. shes actually a person, not just some older teacher. and to me, thats the coolest thing in the world: connecting w/ an elder.
im actually optimistic about my schedule right now. for the first time in a long time. i know i shouldnt be, cuz i know itll be hell, but im so excited in an ignorant, childish sort of way. i think im gonna manage guys swimming in the winter too :) totally pumped for that one! i love swimmers.. and soccer players. theyve just got this certain personality quirk - a lot of em are punk, and thats way cool in my book. lol, god, see what lunch w/ kelly and scott does to me?
but anyways.. i got outta work early tonight, so i really should go to bed early. im thinkin nineish. :) sounds good.
dream like youll live forever,
live like youll die tomorrow
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 21 August :: 8.27 pm
:: Mood: muy depressed
:: Music: hoobastank - running away
i want to run away
why am i running away? because theres nothing to keep me here. i just need freedom. away from this house, away from this life, away from myself.
i decided (not 100%) that im going to quit cheer. ill do the stupid pep rally for the freshmen tomorrow, but after that, im done. im not even gonna go into that whole discussion right now.
but now, what am i to do?
i feel like i belong to nothing. i have nothing.
i belong to no one, and no one belongs to me. i have no one.
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
(john mayer - love song for no one)
they say "no man is an island", but apparently this excludes women. or at least me. thats exactly how i feel right now. i feel like a waste. and ive always beleived the only reason keeping me here is because i could never put the others through that shock. well the others is basically just family right now. and thats cuz they have to be here. so screw this.
im running away...
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 21 August :: 12.40 pm
:: Mood: out of it, a little down
:: Music: lenny kravitz - if i fall in love (no relevence to mood, but im lovin this song anyway)
last day of summer
what a depressing thought. school starts tomorrow. ive been tryin to read my damned summer-reading book for like the whole summer, and im still only like 40 pages into it. im screwed. im supposed to be reading it like all day today, but that hasnt happened a whole lot. maybe after this.
so jenny (pom/dance coach) talked to me last night. theyre moving wednesday practices earlier to accomadate my dance schedule. yea, thats nice of em and all, but im still missing out big time. there were 5 classes i wanted to be in. as of right now, i can only do 2. and thats pushing it. idk. id feel awful quitting now. but schedule-wise, my mom is right: cheer is better. but mood-wise, dance (not pom) makes me feel awesome. cheer makes me feel like a failure.
you know what? i honestly beleive i am the moodiest person in the world. one minute ill be bouncing off the walls, grinning from ear to ear, and the next ill want to die and nothing but negativity flows through my mind. but the thing is, i cant control any of it. right now, i feel like the biggest failure. i feel like im asleep. i dont want to do anything. i dont feel anything. im just here. and i hate myself. but i know if i was talking to john, id be slap-happy and giggly and hyper. but im not. and i dont know why he does that to me. im not even attracted to him.
who knows. ive got lost of shit to do. lots of shit i want nothing to do with. practice in 2.5 hours, room to clean (thats something i actually *wanna* do), practice pom on my own, read 200 pages of the book from hell, get everything ready for school. dude, i have like 100's of other things id rather do: sleep, shower, make some bracelets, make that purse ive been wanting to all summer, go shopping (i think i found my homecoming dress already), make some pj pants, screw w/ some of my existing clothes, work on my scrapbook, play guitar, write, sleep more, work on my website, lift at the ymca, watch movies, play my brother's ps2 while hes gone, put up the trampoline, make up a dance. sleep. god dammit. i never have time for anything because i fuckin waste my time. online, mostly. or eating. yea, theyve both got to stop.
my new (school) year's resolution is to follow through on what matters most and be more time-efficient and hard-working. :) wish me luck.
time to go get started, huh? school starts tomorrow..
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 18 August :: 12.57 am
:: Mood: tired, dead, depressed
:: Music: staind again
i think im gonna cry....
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 16 August :: 11.04 pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: staind
"memories overtaking me"
im really down tonight. things with mark are getting to me big time. im taking care of max (dog). the last time i did, me and mark snuck over there and had a whole house to ourselves. walking back in the dark was just so creepy. i had to resist the urge to run down the road and over to mark\'s back poarch to meet him, waiting on the deck, under the stars. i miss that more than i can say. i dont like what mark has become. i know he doesnt like what i have become (i dont either).
but i miss him. no, i miss having someone care for me so sincerely. or at least i told myself he did.
so now hes with liz. and im cool with that. i guess. but you know what this means: now he ignores me. he acts so apathetic to me (and when everyone asks him where ive been). it kills me. hes shaped my whole life more than any other single person, and he wont even talk to me about whats goin on. he doesnt even think anything\'s wrong! im just so frustrated. im lost in a memory that i can never bring back.
i drove home from the mall w/ mommy on the backroads. grd was bustin out some awesome music tonight. staind "for you" and TRUSTcompany "downfall" back to back... i was belting it out. i just wanted to break down in tears and drive the whole night away on dark, curvy roads. all alone. for miles. just singing and crying.
i remember i was all over staind right before i went on my anti-depressants. their cd is so emo. i love it. im gonna listen to it all night long. i have a feeling its gonna be a long night...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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