home, sweet fuckin home

yea. so yea. i dont know where to begin.
im home, all excited to get away from the west clan for a breather. and what happens? me and the rents fight. right off the bat! im so upset right now... over an hour later (and thats a big deal for me because i forgive/forget super quick). but oh my god! theyre being ridiculous. ok, i just got home round 330 and ill do some wash, clean, go out tonight, and crash cuz we pulled an all nighter last night, like tradition. and church tomorrow, and work. then lifeteen? or going out. then work monday. cheer camp tues-fri afternoon. hell and a half (even though i really wanna go) and they want me to fly to alaska by myself on saturday morning. after 3 1/2 weeks of sleep deprivation, cheer camp and 12-mile hikes. HELL NO! ok, the jet lag would kill me! id fly out to alaska for 3 days and then fly home! ridiculous! my other option? go stay w/ my aunt cheryl in ada friday-thursday (after cheer camp). um, ok... ive been having public living problems for 3 outta the past 4 weeks and i just want to be home alone! is that too much to ask! plus, id be with a 6 and 4 year old, and i wouldnt be able to work and i could only go out like 2 times! ridiculous! im so pissed! why cant i just stay home and have my other aunt (who lives a block away) just check up on me to make sure im not having parties?! seriously! AHHHHHHH
this reminds me of the night at devils tower, where i talked to my mom for 20 minutes, called her back later and bawled on the phone w/ her for another 30 minutes, then got up at 530 the next morning to call my dad. and he made it sound like everything would work out ok and theyd be more open to the options. open to options, my ass! theyre being totally irrational! im gonna lose it just *thinking* about it, much less *doing* it!

ok.. a break from that... how about a nice little chat about guys? like, grooms who was half raping/stalking me the entire trip. yea, hes cool and all, but im not interested, and i lead him on simply because the guys i drooled over on the trip (todd... mmmm yummy) just run home to their perfect little girlfriends awaiting at home. i could never even compare to people like kathleen schaut and mandie freeman or any of those girls.
and then nyenhuis, lol. hes such a cutie and sweetie. i havent hung out w/ him since cheer for basketball when he drove me around. its so adorable cuz hes got that grade-school crush thing going on. but thats the thing - its so grade school! and it drives me crazy! hed never even *think* of touching me, so i cant help but kinda dismiss him - im not all cute and innocent like that. but i feel bad. idk. im too picky i think. no im not. i compromise because im not good enough. i dont know

the coolest part of the whole trip was getting a chance to talk to danielle. id been thinkin bout it for forever, buti just never got around to it because there were opprotunities. im so glad i did though. she helped me a lot, whether or not she knew it. i was so incredibly good wednesday-friday. :) big big smile! huge! but friday and today it totally went to shit. and im pissed.

but good news... i think i lost weight :) i couldnt wear my gray shorts before the trip and now theyre kinda big... i cant wait till tomorro wmorning to weigh myself... hehehehe. :)

but i need to go. shower and take care of some shit before i see whats goin on tonight. try to avoid the rents... grr.. ill write more later. i got lots to say.

mle

what a coincidence

thanks, almighty quiz-master, for rubbing it in. like i dont already feel shitty.





Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

ok now that im a complete failure, its time to go cry and take a nap before i get to jump around at cheer and pom/dance practice. lucky me.
i hate this place

mle

the little innocent crush decided to crush me instead

so i got used again.
well, almost got used. he came out with his real motives.
keith sikkema.. the cute, innocent little (well, 6'4") senior jock from christian- the never-been-kissed, never had a girlfriend, never smoked/drank/done drugs... yea he was a fake. and im a little upset. but i could see it coming, which kinda makes it worse.
all last week, i was skeptical of his motives to suddenly chill w/ me, but i was so giddy and excited that i tried to ignore that nagging gut feeling. well my gut is always right (especially when its growling). i asked him if we were gonna get together some other time after i got home from out west cuz he had to cancel this friday. so he spilled he was just gonna use me for play. in that case, i dont know why hed pick me. out of all the hot hoes in the world, why settle on soemthing like me? but it seems to happen quite often. lets see, keith (attempted), joe, mike (several times), mark and brad (at first and at the end), the other brad, chris, andy, bennay, pat, brian, justin. not to mention that one night i drove around w/ 4 horny guys, which was, uh, interesting... but yea. and this is all outside of the 3 big relationships ive had thatve taken up 75% of my life since the middle of 6th grade (3.5 years). ouch.
but back to the point... a few weeks ago, he gave me this whole speech about not really caring that hes never gotten any and how hes not gonna run to some random hoe just to say hes made out (and he even told me again hes "not the type to use girls" after he spilled about his real intentions). *now* i know why its so awkward for him. because he knew all along i was nothing, i meant nothing, and thats all id ever be. and i was in the dark. its kinda upsetting me because i had a glimpse of hope, and uplifting because i was all excited over it: release from the guyless streak, and hes not from west so my private life might remain a little more private than it did with mark and brad (*rolls eyes* i think kathy and them would appreciate that too lol).
i dont think ill ever be able to look at him again. its gonna be really awkward at parties now. ill be prayin he doesnt show up, and if he does, ill avoid him. no more excitement over getting an IM from sikdogg81. i have no respect for him anymore. i mean, dont get me wrong, i am kinda a hoe and very easily get used, but still, if he just wanted a piece, he needed to clarify that its just friends w/ benefits. i probably woulda gone along w/ that, had i known his plan from the get-go. but no, guys lead you on just to let you down.

well, i guess its one down, one to go. i still got john. but hes never online anymore, and i dont have his number, so im at the mercy of his internet usage that i can see him again before i go out west. my schedule is surprisingly kinda packed, but id make room for him in a heartbeat. :)

and on a non-penis-related note, i dont want to go out west. i can picture it now: the horrifying situations ill get into with my eating problems, lack of self-esteem (and clothing), people i dont particularly like, and depression/moodiness. i really dont wanna go. like, really. im pretty damned non-functional lately. i skipped training this morning, and i want to quit more than anything. im just going downhill again. and its not a pretty sight, let me tell you...

mle

side-by-side conversations: laura is against, emily from texas is for
kinda weird how the night im battling out my food problems, a person from a pro-ana board im on IMs me and gets me all revved up to starve... :) competition, here i come!

so heres what laura and mark were saying to each other. not funny. i really took offense to some of it.
MVette13: i hate scrawny girls
LAURALIZ85: most guys do
MVette13: yeah
MVette13: i think its sick
LAURALIZ85: and everyone would rather date a fat girl than a skinny one
MVette13: even like normal thin girls arent always the hottest
LAURALIZ85: u thinkt aht what is hotter than me?
MVette13: no i DONT think that thin girls are hotter that someone liek you
MVette13: who isnt necessraily "thin"
LAURALIZ85: are u calling me fat?
MVette13: no!!! ahh
LAURALIZ85: oh no i have to go starve myslef now
MVette13: haha :-)
LAURALIZ85: i can't eat
LAURALIZ85: my life is oging to fall apart
MVette13: 100, shoot for it fatty
MVette13: life isnt worth livin
MVette13: lol

hahaha funny laura and mark. im really pissed that theyd say some of those things. really pissed. and then she gives me this whole speech about "something has to be done. something will be done" and that bullshit before she finally lets me go to bed.
speaking of which....

mle

and it all comes crashing down...

yup. down again. i dont know why. well, duh, of course i know why. 1) my weight 2) keith kinda avoided me all night and then he says hes gotta go outta town too this weekend (no date) 3) i hate work so much. they make me feel like an incompetent kid. 4) just normal shit w/ parents and friends that im so sick of. im sick of being alone.

im standing on the bridge, im waiting in the dark
i thought that youd be here by now
theres nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground
im listening but theres no sound
isnt anyone trying to find me? wont somebody come take me home?
its a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life
wont you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
i dont know who you are but im with you...
nothings going right, everythings a mess
and no one likes to be alone
(avril lavigne - im with you)

thats what i need. a saving grace. something, some one to save my life. cause i can see it ending quite soon.

lying on my driveway, staring up at the stars, i realized how big the universe is. its huge. unbeleivably huge. but out of all of it, im alone.

i have nothing left. i mean, nothing. all the positives i can possibly think of have negatives attached that outweigh the pluses. i made varsity cheer = im too fat and not pretty/cool enough. a guy is interested = im skeptical if hes too good, or brought down if hes not good enough. chilling with friends and meeting new people = clamming up a little because of insecurities and jealousy. summer/freedom = boredom and overheating from not being able to wear swim suits and shorts. i could go on for hours, as pathetic as it sounds.

im talking, well, kinda arguing with mark and laura about suicide and shit... theyre all scared and shit. mark didnt seem to intersted when i was gettin all teary-eyed on the way home from matt's!

mle 3102: mark.... i just want to be skinny. thats all i care about anymore. i can deal being alone. i can deal being a bitch, or ugly or poor or stupid or untalented.... i just want to be skinny
MVette13: thats a stupid goal
MVette13: thats prob the worst goal you could possibly have
mle 3102: thats alli want
mle 3102: and ill do anythingi have to to get it mark
mle 3102: anything
MVette13: mle, thats stupid
MVette13: what so great abotu that
MVette13: why woudl you raather be skinny that intelligent
MVette13: youve let the world warp you so much
MVette13: you were such a smart girl, you knew what mattered and what didnt
MVette13: now youve ignore all taht
mle 3102: because i was thinner than i am now mark
mle 3102: because i had some ounce of confidence
MVette13: thin does not equal happy
mle 3102: oh, but it does
mle 3102: id be better at dance/sports, id have 150% more confidence which means everything improves:grades, relationships, goals.... id feel *comfortable* and *valuable*

im having a similar conversation with laura too... blah blah blah... theyll never understand. this is something i *need* and ill do anything, anything to get it...

mle