plainmornings
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2004 12 February :: 3.30pm
don't we all just LOVE pretentious fucks.
6 true playaz for real |
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plainmornings
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2004 12 February :: 2.13pm
Fucking christ.
i come on here for 3 fucking minutes and i swear a bazillion pop ups flashed everywhere. The quicker i Xed them out, the faster they came.
This is ridiculous.
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epicyclebanana
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2004 10 February :: 1.38pm
A confession... because I need to do it.
(I express myself better in written word than in spoken.) This entire schpiel is completely and utterly random and the thoughts are not meant to flow together in any way, so I apologize for that.
The past 17 years, I've felt like my life's just been a giant movie. Or a dream. I question reality, and I think a lot differently than other people do. It annoys, sometimes even saddens, me that I can't relate to a lot of people's philosophies or theories or beliefs. I lie a lot too. I like getting attention. I like having people believe I'm someone that I'm not. That's why I exaggerate a lot of things too. To everyone that I've ever spoken more than 5 words to: don't believe everything I say, especially if I'm telling a story, it was all just a ruse to get people to like me or think I'm someone I'm not. For this I apologize.
But now for the truth... what I know, what I believe, what I want, what I need, etc. Truth, blunt truth, and nothing more. Nothing less, either.
I know that this college (UNH) is where I'm supposed to be, and music is the path I'm meant to be on, it's the lifeblood that keeps me going and sane. I've written so many songs that I'm afraid to let my family hear because they're opinions are really the only ones I care about.
Being here at UNH, I've never been happier. I know that I'm human, that I make mistakes. I know I've done things I shouldn't, but that's all part of the living process. Trying new things is part of growing up, and I've been forced to do that way before my due time. But I deal with it, and I'm still alive. I'm still sane. I'm not suicidal, I'm not a junkie, I don't live on the streets, I'm not a drunk, I'm not a prostitute, I'm not an idiot. All my life I've never wanted anybody's help. I still don't.
I love my family. I have trouble showing this sometimes, usually because I'm afraid of how I may appear or the repercusions that may ensue. And, everyone in my family already has this preassumed belief that I'm the unloving nonemotional black sheep. Maybe I am, maybe I'm just going along with what everyone thinks because it'll take too much effort to change it. Also, I don't share a lot of the same ideals and beliefs, and because they are usually so adamant about these ideals/beliefs, it hurts me to not at least pretend to follow. I want to make them happy. I'm the exactly the person they want me to be, I am myself and no one will ever change that, but I also want them to be happy for me. I'm not going to be a rich successful lawyer or a doctor or something... I'm going to be a recording engineer / part-time performing musician. And that's what'll make me happy. In keeping myself happy, I'm hoping that my family will be equally as happy.
I never liked FL. I love my family, but they seem to think that just because I never liked FL means that I don't care about them. I'm more comfortable in the north, and they need to understand. Moving from NJ right before 7th grade had such an impact on me that my parents don't seem to understand. They don't get that throughout middle school and high school I never really had any good close best friends, with the exception of a selected few. I was ignored, ridiculed, mentally tortured. When you're 12 years old and going through all of this, of course it'll be engrained on your mind: "I want to get out of here." In coming up to CT, I had the opportunity to start anew, where nobody knew my name. And I've made some of the best friends ever here. I still love my friends and family in NJ, and I still love my friends and family in FL. I had fun times during my 6 years in FL, but that's done and over with, it's time for a new chapter in life.
As far as what I believe: I believe in God. I believe that there's something to look forward to after death. I don't believe in abortion or cloning. I don't like tarot cards or horoscopes or astrology. Yes, I'll look at my daily horoscope every once in a while, but this is always for laughs. I believe that religion should be between me and Christ, no one else. I will believe whatever I want, and others can believe what they want, it's their choice. God gave the human race free will, and we should take advantage of it. I don't like mission trips or evangelizing because of this. I think church day camps are a nice idea, but those kids are going to make their own decisions when they're older anyways. If somebody has a question inquiring about what I believe or what my religion's about, then I'll answer those questions gladly with no bias whatsoever. But I won't go up to random people with a "You need Jesus" speech. I can't bring myself to do that.
I listen to music with curse words. I'm not one of those people who says "fuck" after every other word, but in everyday conversation the occasional "oh shit" comes up. I have control over my own linguistics, and that's how it'll stay. I know what not to say in front of people, and I try to mind my manners.
So, who am I? I'm Lana, I'm 17. I go to UNH and I love life. I love music more than any other activity in the world. I am a Christian, and I don't care what anybody says. I have a family that I love and adore, but that I don't always agree with, and I hope they can understand that. I also have friends that I care about deeply.
I don't know what else anybody really need to know. My mind's a labyrinth, and I've always been lost within it.
3 true playaz for real |
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adiosesposito
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2004 9 February :: 11.44pm
:: Music: Felt
Hello,
The fact that I have only written three real entries since the start of the school year in this woohu journal is either really sad or really good, I'm not quite sure. I guess I just don't really have much to say to the public that I don't talk about with people during school or the weekends. While this means people who don't see at school or at all don't really know how I'm doing, and I am sorry about that, it also avoids anyone who I don't want reading my thoughts from, well, reading them. Of course, that never actually stopped me from writing my innermost thoughts in this.
Anyways, my life is pretty shipshape right now. My grades really sucked last semester, the worst I've ever gotten, so I'm really trying my best this semester. I still do almost all of my AP english homework in first hour, but I'm getting 100% on them now, so that's gravy (train?). There is no point to try hard in physics, since I can't do good in that class, but I have a strong feeling I'm going to keep giving it my all. I made Mr. Hall wet himself when I got that 95 on the test, or at least I hope I did.
It seems like my friend group nowadays is mostly kids in my grade now, unlike last year. This gives a little bit of hope for next year, when a lot of my friends will be gone. But you can't prevent change, and I'll try to welcome it with semi-open arms. I don't really feel like I'm part of a group though anymore, I guess because everyone else seems to have a best friend, and I can't really think of someone who is my best friend at the school, and I doubt there's anyone who considers me their best friend. Actually, that was the case last year too, so it's not much of a difference. However, I will say that there are a few kids who are the definition of ace; few and far between, yet are some great kids, who I am glad to have as friends.
My hair was straightened and cut, as mandated by my mom. It's ok though, hair isn't that important, and it can also become curly again. To tell the truth, it really doesn't matter in the long run. At best, I'll look like a Beatle, and at worst, I'll look like Mike Clark.
When it comes to girls, I got this Spanish chica, she don't like me to roam, so she call me cabron plus marricon. Said she likes to cook rice so she likes me home, but I'm like, "Un momento" - mami, slow up your tempo.
That Jay-Z moment was brought to you by TV's Drew Rosensweig: Ain't Nothin But the Real Thing.
Perhaps I'll start writing in this more often, filling everyone in on the events of my life. I'll try my best to not make this an empty statement. I sincerely hope all of you readers take care of yourself, enjoy life, and keep it real.
Drew R.
P.s. My holidays were all good too. I just don't feel like writing about them right now.
P.P.S. Robert Forster is so fucking legit, it's not even funny.
2 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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2004 7 February :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: none.
christine, katherine, liz, rachel... thank you for all the love. twas the best birthday ever. childhood memories. offer for a male stripper. great magic show.
amazing photos, weird friends of her brothers, and conversations on christine's roof until the morn. <3
i miss danielle so much. i talked about her so much. sigh.
how can i ever repay people for loving me so much? only by loving them back.
3 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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2004 5 February :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: watching the inferno again
hmmmmmm.
need sleep. cant seem to get it... my dreams have flown away from my memory every day now. seems i think a little too much about other things. *shrug* ehh. life is really the same right now. i just don't know what to say. to anyone about anything. i'm content, but everything seems a little off lately. my friends, the schoolwork, other little things. who knows what i'm talking about...
i can't wait for valentines day. i always enjoy it because i get to show how much i love my friends. wait til you see what you get. ;) hee hee.
need to get some cd's i want. ben jelen is in cosmogirl. DAMMIT. thanks to ashley though, as always!
also can't wait for dirty dancing havana nights. it's awesome. like the commercials on tv make it seem a little cheesy, but if you had seen the full preview in the theatre... damn. looks like it could be a next favorite movie, if its done right. it looks so hot. plus mya sings in it! definitely seeing it. i'm officially in love with the site, with the music that makes me wanna go on vacation and to a club in havana. i'll probably get that soundtrack. try to see the trailer.
one last question that's always on my mind.
what can i do so that everyone is happy again? =\
2 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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2004 3 February :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: angry
mmph.
You're the FLOWER.
Flowers are generally acknowledged as the silent
and warm mother types, who have a fairly good
grasp on reality but also see life in all of
its good colours as well. They are natural
caretakers who wish to be kind to those who
have been done wrong, and rarely have many
selfish tendencies. Instead, they can sometimes
be almost too sacrificing if they go out their
way to help someone in need, but they aren't as
easily tricked as Stars. However, through their
tendency of looking after others, they can
sometimes assume they are always right about
everything and can have trouble seeing error in
their own ways.
+++ Good traits +++
-Forgiving
-Intelligent
-Warm
-Soothing
+++ Bad traits +++
-Self-righteous
-Sacrificing
-Workaholic
-Nitpicker
Flower people can easily get burnt out when
dealing with work, as they like to make sure
everything is alright and take care of things
on their own - but they are also very
responsible people with a calming effect on
other people.
Minor Personality Profile (with TSK images)
brought to you by Quizilla
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orfwashere
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2004 2 February :: 11.57pm
:: Mood: stoked
:: Music: Mingus
My first paying gig! Holy shit!
My mom picked me up when I got off work tonight at 9:30, and said I got a phone call from Addison Gilbert. That was a shock. The hardcore drum teacher with the coked up eyes called my house. Weird. I called him back to find out what he wanted. Apparently he was looking for a bari sax player, and Mr. Lerner recomended me, and spoke very highly of my playing abilities. Mr. G is the pit orchestra director for all the Olympic Heights musicals. To fill the pit, he hires professionals for the lead parts, gets the best OH kids to play the other parts, and he recruits from other schools to fill in whatever parts are left.
He asked Mr Lerner for a bari sax player, and Lerner told him I was the man. Hard-fucking-core. Olympic Heights does serious musicals. This year it is the broadway musical "Me and My Girl." He said it's about three hours long, and they use the real scripts and music, not the watered down high-school versions. He was telling me all about it, and I couldn't stop thinking like "Holy Shit." Opening night is in the beginning of March, and I'd have to go to rehersal every thursday. not a problem.
I was saying a few weeks ago about how happy I'd be to just play some good music for free, like the jazz combo Chris O'Brien was trying to set up at Pineapple Grove. Mr G. said it pays a measly $100. Holy shit, bells, whistles, and cash register cha-chings were going off in my head. My first paying gig at a professional level..... hell, my first paying gig. Wow. This post is just all incoherent babble, but I'm just really excited. I'm just suprised that Mr. Lerner thinks I'm capeable of something like this. I wouldn't have thought so, but then again, I am my hardest critic. Mr. G. was telling me all abotu when Kevin Blum played with his orchestra 2 years ago, and how great he thought it was. Oh man. This is a new level for me. Nice. I'm done.
4 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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2004 31 January :: 7.38pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: the cardigans - "lovefool"
chillin with danielle...
its been a great weekend away from school. we just love being at home and/or out. last night we saw butterfly effect.... whoa. yeah... whoa. just see it. danielle and i have been spending good quality time together because we dont spend time in school together. <3 yep yep. home is where the heart is. today we woke up at 12:30, caught up on missed sleep from the week, and went shopping. i bought something great. but shhh. its a secret.
.quotes of the day.
danielle: "take my bra off."
me: "i'm so happy we're going home and having fish rolls."
sigh. we know you probably won't find this funny... but it's just a documentation of our love/fun together. =D. <3
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orfwashere
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2004 31 January :: 12.12am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Catch 22
I forgot to mention. I got a car. Finally.
It's a 1984 Chevy Monte Carlo, Luxury Coupe with a 305 V8. It sounds sweet, but its really an old piece of shit with 150k miles on it that needs work; but I'm still stoked to have a car. When they made them in 84, there was the Luxury, or the SS. The SS has the same engine, just bored out to be a 350, and also has a cooler front end and rear bumper. I'm probably gonna go to the junkyard to get an SS front end and rear bumper to make it look better and then paint it to match. The Luxury model is the same basic car, but with the front end, it looks like an old grandma car..... a fast fucking granny car. When I get done with it and am ready to take it on the road (April 10th, hint hint), it's gonna be one bad motha fucka. Paint job, new wheels, white walls, rockin system, SS parts, flowmasters. Oh snap!
2 true playaz for real |
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orfwashere
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2004 29 January :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: awkwardly depressed
:: Music: GG-GG-G-G-G-unit!
"For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!"
Hmm. What's new in my life? Same old shit, but not really.
I've gotten a lot better, and much more used to playing the bari sax. That is a major plus. I’m considering playing it for my college auditions in place of my alto. I sound awesome, well awesome for someone at my level, on alto, but I think I might just impress some people with my bari sax skills. Who knows? This year is my first time ever doing solo and ensemble. I’m really excited. I've got a bari sax solo that is coming along nicely; better than I had expected. I'm playing bari in a quartet that it doing a decent job at staying together, and I'm also in an alto trio, that is, well... a trio. It really needs help, but it sure is fun to play. I'm really starting to enjoy and love playing my saxophones. I'm at the point where I can't imagine life without them. If somebody ever causes me to lose my hands or fingers, they're getting a bullet to the head. Fa sho'
I also got accepted to three more schools. I went to guidance to send my transcripts out to FSU, USF, UNF, FIU, and FAU. It turns out that UNF already requested my transcripts, so they didn't have to be sent out. I didn't know they could, or would do that. I got an acceptance letter from them yesterday. I got my acceptance letter from USF the day I sent them my transcripts. The mail usually takes two days or so, meaning that they made their acceptance decision solely on my application and my SAT scores that I sent. Scary Shit. FIU accepted me too, but their admissions department is pretty worthless, so they get a student to call and congratulate me first, and then send the letter a week later. at least USF called me the day I got the letter. I still haven't applied to FSU, or Jacksonville University. I have a feeling that JU is exactly like Lynn University. Their jazz director called me at 9:30 on a thursday night a few weeks ago to ask me if I was going to audition. Apparently there are only about 2,500 students at JU. There's that many at Atlantic, and also Lynn. That makes me figure that it's a small shitty campus. But it's a plus because there's more privatized instruction, and also it’s close to the beach, unlike USF in Tampa and FSU in Talahassee(sp). Young Harris College also called me tonight to ask if I was interested. I politely told the girl that I wasn't, but she kept asking me questions about my major, and where I applied. I wanted to hang up, but she was being so nice to me that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I told her about my career plans, and she mentioned something about God's plan for me. She also told me to pray that things work out or something. I was really tempted to tell her that I'm an atheist, but she was just too nice. I can't do that. I'm not ever sure that I'm an atheist. I don't know what I am. I just prefer not to think about it now. As for now, I don't believe in much, I don't pray, I don't go to church, and I am happy. Maybe when I turn 40, I'll have some crazy epiphany and change my ways, but until then I'll stay very unreligious. I also tried Xanex. No, not on prescription, just because it's fun. Really fun. But I'm done with stupid shit like that. Alcohol is my limit. No pot, no bars, no more recreational mind altering substances that aren't alcohol. So there! Take that illegal drug market. Boo yah!
Wow, that was the first time I've ever said Boo yah! Weird.
But on to what that last paragraph should have said: I've been infatuated with the same girl since freshman year. I can't get her out of my mind. I think about her all the time.... and get depressed. I had a dream about her a month ago, where she wouldn't talk to me and completely ignored me. I guess dreams imitate life, because she never wants to talk to me, or see me again. I get what I deserve. I've been single for almost a year and a half. I think the only times in high school that I've been happy were when I wasn't single. Those were also the times when I was the least shy. I had one or two chances in that time to become not-single, but they weren't the right ones. I don't know. I think I just can't meet the right girl. I met this girl Adelia in my chorus class. Oops, almost forgot to mention, I'm in chorus now. Yes, that's right: 3 band classes and one chorus class. I'm a pimp. But back to that girl I met; people say she’s weird, but I think she's cool. She flirts a lot, but I can't tell if that's just because she's interested, or if she's just one of those girls that flirts with every guy in the world. Oh well. Hopefully my next entry will be more positive. I have such a negative outlook on life. That's why I never smile. I think that's also why I don't update often. I don't want to look back on these years from now and see only the bad things.
So that's it for now. Foreverly yours,
A.J.
16 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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::
2004 25 January :: 12.18pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: something corporate - "me and the moon"
i am a butterfly.
so i feel like posting before i do anything. more procrastination! ehhhhh. i need to do lots of things today. gonna be that christina that works nonstop. hopefully i'll get things done. otherwise it'll be for nothing. this weekend has been weird! like my past weekdays have been. i think it's because i havent seen danielle that much. her parents wouldnt let her go to the movies on friday so i spent the night with my parents alone. it wasnt so bad, bonding with my parents. they probably miss me. i went to see win a date with tad hamilton all by myself in that boca muvico. everyone was with their girlfriends and i was just sitting there being annoyed and missing danielle.
saw the preview for confessions of a teenage drama queen - that's my movie. i can't wait for it to come out, cuz i wanna see it badly. preview for havana nights... sooo hottt. the movie itself? win a date with tad hamilton was not the BEST movie, i personally liked chasing liberty better but it had some really good parts. it almost made me cry cuz like... yeah you have to see it. it seems like it shouldve been longer. but oh well.
saturday went shopping with my boca chicas. must.resist.shopping. but i cant! man. i think my family is gonna have like a garage sale soon, because i feel like i've given so many clothes to the salvation army. and not that they dont need more clothes, but i kinda dont wanna give away clothes that have hardly been worn, it's like a waste of my moms money. so why not sell them? people would buy my clothes, right? right. i need to make room for the clothes i DO wear.
gah. need to cut this post short (in a manner of speaking) for i need to stop procrastinating and start working.
i'm getting addicted to this song now too. i'm so tempted to bring sc in for us to play in art. last class we played smashing pumpkins, was pretty awesome. but i dont think i wanna inflict my personal music interests on others who may not enjoy the same. some of the lyrics in no special order...
its a good year for a murder
reasons like seasons they constantly change
away with this spilt milk
all that he gave was a daughter
its me and the moon she says
i am a butterfly
her heart like a crystal she's lucid and departed
away with these nightmares
you give up your soul til you break down
You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
3 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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2004 23 January :: 4.21pm
:: Mood: confuzzled
:: Music: something corporate - "she paints me blue"
life as i know it.
when was the last time i posted? hmmph. i dont know. today was like weird. yes, like EVERY day! what is up with that? i feel like i have nothing to say. everything is the same. i miss wearing contacts. hopefully by monday i will have nothing on my face again. sigh. the week is over THANK GOD. it was a busy week. i only stayed up late once. next week however, is a different case. buncha stuff to do. yippee. i got an A on my math test. not a high one, but i'm satisfied for i was not here for stupid partial fractions. that debate. eeeh. tomorrow... time with some of my boca girlies. and south florida fair. and then lotsa homework on sunday! =D i'm planning to create a big art work for my art assignment. wish me luck! i wish i could spend more time with altan. it doesn't feel like it's anything. feels like just friends still. hopefully it'll change. i'm content though. i really think i am.
nothing to say man. i can't believe it.
you're my good feeling.
you are my reason for breathing.
2 true playaz for real |
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adiosesposito
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::
2004 18 January :: 8.24pm
:: Music: Saturday Looks Good to Me
I have a confession to make to all of you readers, if you can keep it on the D.L. Hughley.
I watched Liar Liar last night on "The Wonderful World of Disney."
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spinoangel
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::
2004 18 January :: 1.14pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: goo goo dolls - "iris" acoustic
sigh
i.... i feel like i need to say something, but there really isn't anything to say. still hating school, but dealing with it, so no need to really complain. still loving and supporting my friends. everything is pretty consistent lately. and i'm content. isn't that madd cool? that's almost never happened. haven't done much this weekend...went shopping. that's it. and had some nice family time. i love them so much. i dont know what i would do if... if we were ever broken apart. and my brother has led me to interesting coincidences. last night we figured out that vivi's boyfriend, greg, is the same greg that's like my brother's best friend. interesting. well... not really. but ya know. last night i played some guitar. i learned the love theme from the godfather. it's beautiful. i wonder if mrs zacher would let me perform it and count it as a poetry pitch... hmm.
i was supposed to go to the delray artfest. hmm. must compensate by going to a real art gallery. but i'm happy. it's kinda cool. weird change in me. though i have cried a lot this week due to the pink eye and the stupid crap... i'm good now. i hope you're good too. *hug* to everyone.
and i'd give up forever to touch you
cuz i know that you feel me somehow
and you cant fight the tears that aint coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
you bleed just to know you're alive.
2 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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::
2004 16 January :: 5.26pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: ben jelen - "come on"
TGIF
i saw jessica on trl!
katy rose reminds me of amber.
just gonna say a few things...
mm. today was nice considering it was an odd day.
organization line drawing = the devil
who's yo daddy?! <3
andrew is coming home...
congratulations to rich and jackie
i wanna learn piano.
he makes me happy.
sigh.
economics test... i have no idea.
food is really good.
i wish i could lose some weight.
no initiative.
school.... yeah it's there. it's ... it's ok.
i miss my vietnamese boy. <3
i want someone to sing this song to me.
*i wanna know she'll be coming here to me. come on. without you i'll never feel the love inside. you know that we belong. thinking back before her, i never knew the meaning of alone.*
danielle is coming to me soon.
i predicted i would be anna.
Which O.C. Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty
Are You a Ho? Find out @ She's Crafty
4 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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::
2004 13 January :: 12.17pm
:: Mood: sigh... there isn't a word for it.
:: Music: something corporate - "bad days"
yeah. sittin at home.
so i'm taking this little time at the computer to update my journal. cuz most likely, i wont be online tonight much at all. its bad for my eyes. i hate staying at home. its not cool. i feel the same. still crying. i slept for like 14 hours last night. yeah. you think that would help me feel at least a little better, but it didnt. the only thing i liked about sleeping that much... was that i got to have dreams in which i was normal. i miss seeing out of my eye! anyways. yeah.
for all those happy people i notice - good for you. keep it up. that's the best way to live life.
for all those not happy people i notice - you're not alone. everything will be ok because you have people here for you.
*it's been a bad day. another bad day.
and all i wanna do is look at you and know i'm ok.
from where i'm sitting, your shoes aint fitting.
and i'm walking backwards, looking down,
dont see the sky, i see the ground.
above, below, you look and so you wonder
where the time has gone of looking up.
tomorrow's on the way.
above, below, you look and so you say
when i wake up in the morning,
is it gonna be another ugly day?
from where i'm sitting these shoes aint fitting.
and i'm going nowhere, killing time,
just trying to feed my bleeding mind.
it's been a bad day , another bad day.
and i cross my heart and hope to die
these dreams of yours are gonna fly. *
2 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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::
2004 12 January :: 4.02pm
:: Mood: still hurting
:: Music: watching tv...
yeah it still hurts. so i did nothing today. just trying to live with the pain. here's my turn to bitch about it, so if you wanna read... go ahead. if not, then i suggest you just go to someone else's journal...
it was the worst in the middle of the night. i woke up and tears were running down my face and my eyes (yes both of them) were seriously burning. this was like 2:30 in the morning. so i was forced to get up and wash my face and put some more medicine in my eye. sigh... i feel so freaking bad. like just this eye is killing me. if i didnt have it, i'd be feeling GREAT. but nooooo... the first weekend i get after xmas vacation, i'm burdened with this crap. i want to literally scratch my eyes out to stop the pain. i can't really read without straining my eyes. i was trying to read the music while playing guitar and then the stream of tears started again. it frustrated me so bad. i'm like handicapped and it's so not cool. soooooooo not cool. i don't want anyone to see me like this, it'll probably just make me cry even more, but i have to go to school tomorrow. i feel like a fucking freak. i dont wanna go out of the house. i dont wanna even get out of bed. but i've been doing homework. trying to at least... without crying.
sigh... i think i'm done.
edit
i don't think i'm done. sniff. i cried at the dinner table. i've never done that. i feel so helpless. and it only makes me cry more. i feel so pathetic. and i'm irritable towards my parents. my mom was like "you don't have to answer me like that. what's wrong with you?". that made me cry more... so much crying. i've never done it so much in my whole life. but i think my parents might let me stay home tomorrow. i'm watching moulin rouge even though i have it. *suddenly the world seems such a perfect place. suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace. suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste. it all revolves around you.* sigh... i miss people... i miss being in the real world. all i have is this blurred yucky feeling. blecch. feeling the tears fall down my face...
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plainmornings
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2004 11 January :: 3.04pm
i know a lot of you have been inquiring and i really haven't had the time to get back to this so...
yes, i am fine (thank you much) & my poor car has $2400 worth damage to it... seems like the engines fine so thats good.
everything else has been okay, schools been fine.
| Wished upon a star?: | shooting :0) | | Found a lucky penny?: | heh the Jew in me I pick up pennies everywhere lol. | | Had a dream come true?: | dreams are always coming true | | Been in love?: | still am | | Broke someone's heart?: | i'm sorry. | | Had sex with a stranger?: | nope | | Been turned on by some one of the same sex?: | if by no you mean yes :0P | | Skydived?: | 1 year we're going!!! | | Bungee jumped?: | i've been on the skycoaster | | Snorkeled?: | & scuba dived! | | Lied to a good friend?: | :0( | | Danced in the rain?: | and gone mud sliding <3 Blue Ridge | | Had sex on an airplane?: | ha. that would be terriby inconvenient | | Swam with dolphins?: | in Ft.Myers | | Donated something?: | absolutely | | Stolen something?: | stupid stuff, not from stores or anything :0P | | Made someone cry?: | i hate it because i know this is how i feel when someone else makes me cry. | | Achieved a goal?: | i always find myself suceeding a little more | | Made a snowman?: | in Switzerland <3 | | Loved yourself?: | yes |
Have You Ever... brought to you by BZOINK!
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spinoangel
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::
2004 10 January :: 5.36pm
:: Mood: just wanna go to bed.
:: Music: boa - "duvet"
my weekend so far.
yesterday danielle came home with me. back to routine. we went to eat dinner super super early so we went to see "chasing liberty" in city place. we got out around 10. that's pretty early for us. i loved that movie. the guy, matthew goode, is so unbelievable handsome. i love him probably as much as orlando bloom now. my mom loved him too. that's gotta say something. sigh. if only there were more guys like that. when we got home, danielle and i just hung out.
today i went shopping with my mom. good thing was that shopping always makes me feel a bit better no matter what. but the bad thing is, i still feel bad. i felt bad emotionally before shopping and i was crying, and so it led me into the arms of my stupid allergies. stuffy nose, itchy teary eyes, all that good stuff. and like my left eye, which was hurting from the night before, is like swollen and a bit purple right now. i dont know exactly what's wrong with me. maybe its a good thing i didnt spend time with any friends today because i look/feel like crap! tonight we're going to dinner at a family friend's. so... yeah. wasn't quite the saturday i was looking forward to during the week. sigh. i guess i can't change things.
i thought being with the one i want would make me happy... and i am. but i still cry? that doesn't make very much sense. i hate myself so much for ... for me. i think it's a sign. idk. altan's not allowed to spend time with me on the weekend until the next 9 weeks. hmm. so the first valentines day i'm not single, i won't be with him. i just hope things dont go to hell and that once he gets ungrounded, i might be grounded for a B in govt. i'm gonna try my best not to let that happen though. cuz then we won't have summer cuz he'll be in turkey. this relationship isn't what i thought it'd be. oh well. i still want it regardless. it was my fault i didn't get to see him today anyways.
sn i i i i i i i i i i i i ff.
*i am falling. i am fading. i am drowning. help me to breathe. i am hurting. i have lost it all. i am losing. help me to breathe.*
3 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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::
2004 7 January :: 7.03pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: something corporate - "the runaway"
hmmm.
i <3 this cd... can't stop playing it. i think that this is my favorite song. i'm not sure though. i love all of them, but this one seems to click with me and all my moods. *shrug*. it's always those songs that i love...
so not a lot of people have been writing in woohu. hmm. how is school? eh. i hate getting back to the routine of actually having to DO crap. it makes me tired, but being with my friends energizes me also. i can't wait until the weekend comes. yeah, back to that too. loving the weekends. sigh. i don't like this! i hate school. cannot wait for summer break. hopefully i don't drive myself to torture with summer school... who knows.
there's really nothing to say. maybe that's why people don't update.
if i woke up alone
i won't stop til i find you and you are with me
cause by now i know you better than you know yourself
and i know what you really need
what you need or i need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me
or i'll bleed
so much that you won't believe
you better not run...
edit: yeah... as you sleep and ruthless are getting up there... its a tie.
trying to read govt. s i g h
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::
2004 6 January :: 4.34pm
note to self:
crashing the car is a really bad thing. yup. anyone want to give me rides everywhere? (granted i'm not grounded forever.)
grrrr. welcome back to school kids.
8 true playaz for real |
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spinoangel
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2004 5 January :: 4.43pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: boa - "fool"
holy crap.
i wrote this emotional and depressing entry. it was good considering my recent entries. woohu chose to freaking screw up so i lost it. now i just feel like sitting in a corner and crying. i wanna run and hide from it all... my mind is playing tricks on me. i feel all those negative feelings from school again. damn it. this isn't right. i miss. sigh. song lyrics.
<3
speaking impartially
there doesn't seem to be a place for me
but when i look inside
i find a place to run, to hide
5 true playaz for real |
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::
2004 2 January :: 2.15pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: Link80 - Killing Katie
I woke up today and decided to be optimistic. I swore to myself that this would be the year of A.J.
Two-thousand three was a horrible year for me. Everything that could have gone wrong did, and everything that could have made me depressed and feel like shit did too. So by my logic, 2004 should be just the opposite. I'm going to be graduating, and going off to college pretty soon. Just the nature of those two events should offset two-thousand three's shit-ness. I really can't wait to start college. Maybe I can make some real friends there. But back to what I was saying; to make 2004 better, I need to abide by these things I resolve to do.... that I thought of doing after New Years.....
1. Eat healthier. Pizza and french fried no longer count as lunch.
2. Go to the gym atleast three times a week. Marching band is over, so I have no excuses for not going.
3. Be nice to everyone. Especially the people I hate.
4. Talk more.
5. Play my horn atleast an hour a day. More preferrably.
6. Get a car.
7. Get a license.
8. Clean my room atleast once a week.
9. Invite people over to chill.
10. Throw a madd party.
...and I'm done.
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spinoangel
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::
2004 1 January :: 10.42pm
:: Mood: i dont know...
:: Music: little vi talking
so.
hmmmmm. dont feel like writing a journal. some things just stick in my mind that phrases might sum up. or at least it does in my eyes.
-i miss luan more than i thought i ever could.
-trying to get more music.
-gaze at the fireworks.
-i wanna fall in you again.
-*whispers* never.
-i'm not pregnant.
-spooning.
-elizabeth kingsley?.... do you mean keira knightly?
-let me tell you a secret.
-BB OB
dude i'm soooo lazy.
<3 everyone
You are "Welcome to the Caribbean, love."
You're more than a little world-weary, but also
intelligent and you keep your head when things
get dodgy. You're everybody's favorite
drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get
in the way sometimes.
Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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::
2003 31 December :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Chick Corea
Another sad new years..
I dont have anyoen to chil with tonite. It's cool though. I'm getting used to being lonely, and not having any real friends. I spent all of last week in New Jersey. I wish I was still back there. I felt wanted there. I had an awesome time at a TCNJ party. Bent beyond belief. Fun shit. I came back on Sunday. Had nothing to do. I've done nothing but play Vice City. Awesome Christmas present. I'm rambling. This post is pretty worthless. Like me. Well I'm out.
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2003 31 December :: 12.45am
:: Mood: daydreamy/excited
:: Music: coldplay - "the scientist"
let's go back to the stars
new layout (finally). peter pan inspired me. loved that movie. saw it with danielle, luan, and edgar. i must go see it again. it was so sweet, so innocently romantic. i recommend seeing it with anyone. family, friends, significant other, whoever. i cleaned the house today for like 5 or 6 hours. after i came home from the movies we decorated the house a little bit. i'm so excited for new years eve! we gonna parrrrrrtay! and it'll be a wonderful night. filled with fireworks. my dad and my brother spent $170 on fireworks! its funny, there's these boxes with a caution sign that says "high power pyro". lol. yeeees. this one will be a good one. looking back on this past year... so many things have changed. mostly for the better. because you learn. and i have learned. and i have made new friends. and i love them all! i love everyone.
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::
2003 30 December :: 4.00pm
being 18 rocks.
i'm slowly becoming addicted to scratch off lotto tickets. Poor, Very Poor.
been working like cray-z but gregory works con me so its all gravy.
saw mona lisa smile, i liked much. saw elf con sr. Selinsky, that was fun.
still have 80bazillion people to see and soooo little time :0(
Ms. Jennifer slept over last night, we talked till almost 5 (and i work up at like 2)
ummmm saw my favorite Soy guy & talked Vonnegut (whitney i have to show you the post)
ummmm saw Big Ben & his crazy MIT friends.
Dennys for some raw chicken.
leaving on Jan 1st sooooooo everyone has to hang out before then!
oh yeah... heidi, alex & dom came to visit yesterday <3
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spinoangel
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::
2003 29 December :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: something corporate... <3 lizzy
dont want to go to my bed.
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? got a boyfriend. admirers. relationships that are so strong that i couldve never imagined it beforehand.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i dont remember last years. dunno if i can make more.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? no
5. What countries did you visit? the us virgin islands ;)
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? though its a lot to ask for, less stress, more happiness and love.
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? certain moments with danielle. certain moments with everyone. the worst days of my life at the end of freshman year. my never ending sixteenth birthday celebration. concerts- christina aguilera, justin timberlake, something corporate, jason mraz, tristan prettyman, and relient k are definitely the best (in no special order). my one year anniversary with danielle. and so many other heart warming and stomach wrenching moments.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? making the memories
9. What was your biggest failure? i don't know if i can say.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no not really. minor pains.
11. What was the best thing you got? the friends. the love.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? man, must i list everyone? i'll list some. and if i don't list you, don't hate me. danielle for being my strength and my love. altan for making me feel like a queen. luan for being the first to want me. rich for being an angel and for making me appreciate what friendship can do. greta for easing my pain. valerie for cracking on people when i needed a laugh. edgar for being the romantic soul i needed to bond with.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mm. can't say.
14. Where did most of your money go? to xmas gifts for my friends
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? being with the ones i love
16. What song will always remind you of 2003? sigh. ignition remix, officially missing you, you and i both, get busy, hey ya... hmm.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? different shades
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner? i hope.
iii. richer or poorer? richer. i'm so boca... i'm so ashamed.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? sleep
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? bitch about meaningless crap and take things so seriously
20. How will you be spending Christmas? i spent it with my family
22. Did you fall in love in 2003? hard to say.
23. How many one-night stands? none
24. What was your favorite TV program? mm. hard to say.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? um... i'm not naming names.
26. What was the best book you read? not sure.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? mm. cant say.
28. What did you want and get? love and admiration
30. What was your favorite film of this year? ahh. too many. i cant say!!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turned 16, and i did so much crap.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? probably if luan never left. or if a certain someone would have opened his eyes sooner.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? i am me. dead sexy.
34. What kept you sane? danielle
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? always fancy jake gyllenhaal and orlando bloom! heh.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? please dont ask me about this.... lol
37. Who did you miss? um. i miss(ed) everyone. people are on vacations. and luan moved away. and i miss the kid from georgia (matt). and i miss rich because i'll never have art with him again!
38. Who was the best new person you met? well, the term "got to know well" is good. its a three way tie between ari, rich, and edgar.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003: life... just try to suck it up and get through it. in the end, it'll be okay. as long as you have people that care about you, you'll be ok. and when it's the darkest, just keep walking towards the light. you'll get there.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: never believed it could happen to me. something like this only happens to dumb girls taking themselves too seriously. i was so damn smart, i was the one girl. never believed it could happen to me. something like this only happens to somebody else.
thanks rich for the survey. definitely took up some good time. i'll paint for ya, just say the word. i'll take the whole day and go crazy! =D
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spinoangel
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::
2003 28 December :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: boa - "duvet"
so many things to say. so little time to say em. are you gonna read it all?
man i got so much to remember... where do i start?
december 25th:
it's so hard to remember what happened on what day. on christmas, we went to the movies. who is we? my dad, my brother, my aunt and her two daughters, and my other cousin and his cousin. we saw cheaper by the dozen. that was so cute!! i loved it. we bought so much movie food, it wasnt even funny. we were like our own little version of cheaper by the dozen. we spent like $80! yeah. but it was good.
"i dont know your family!"
"YOU DO NOW!!!"
while we were doing that, my mom was preparing prime rib for our big family xmas dinner. when she came to pick us up, she was like "ok hurry up cuz i told grandpa not to touch my prime rib!". and of course, we get back home... and he definitely did something to it. we didn't know what, but we smelled some different spices in there than usual. heh. funny. then we headed over to one of my aunts house to eat our xmas dinner. all of my moms sisters (4), their families, and one of her brothers came with his family too. it was great. i love doing that big family dinner thing. interesting things went on. my mom told my aunts that "christina had a boyfriend... his name is altan." (which of course he isnt) then my aunts were like "OOOO... ALTAN!". then my mom told them about him. hah. funny stuff. it was a yummy yummy dinner. then after cleaning up, it was time for presents! i feel like my xmas has lasted forever because i keep getting more as the days go by. what did i have at that point? i hope i remember it all...
>>from school friends<<
STILL. <3 you danielle.
something corporate cd (lizzy!)
teddy bear (sweetest thing, bryan.)
cute manga and disney princesses calendar (<3 ari <3)
pink skirt made by the ACC (ashley)
heart bracelet + pink and black striped halter top (valerie knows.)
>>from family<<
evenstar necklace from lotr
dooney & bourke purse
new sunglasses (which i left in houston)
two shirts
$50
so then we sat around, ate some dessert and had some good quality family time. then we went home.
december 26th
*thinking*
so the day after christmas. my mom and my aunts went madd shopping. of course. during the day, we went to the mall and i went ice skating with my cousins. i hadn't ice skated in so long, but after awhile, it was ok. they played some nice music. "all i have" came on and i wanted danielle with me! so after that, i didnt get to shop much. oh well. then we all went back to my uncle's house. there, we waited. my youngest aunt tu, my mom, and i then took a little trip to the saks 5th outlet. we chose some things for my mom to buy for us the next day, when 6 am - 10 am they would have additional sales. so after that, we went back to my uncles house. we grew incredibly hungry. we were just waiting for my other aunt to call us for dinner. my other aunt had some visitors, her old best friend from georgia. we met my aunts best friend like two years ago in atlanta. that was when we first met em. they have two kids, same age as me and my brother. so before dinner, my mom was telling my aunts how the son was "pretty cute" and was a "womanizer". then my aunts were like looking at me. it was funny. so we eventually went to dinner to meet my other aunt and her best friend. after greetings, the son of my aunts best friend sits next to me. it was soooo funny, cuz my aunt tu was like looking at me, smiling, and winking. haha. but i lost my seat and ended up sitting next to his sister. i talked mostly with them. they were funny. their names were stephanie and matthew. matthew was irritatingly charming. i'll never forget him looking at me and going "wanna come over later and play?" then doing his dorky smile and eyebrow raise. cute dork. later on for dessert, we ate beignets at a little french bakery. the car ride there was like the funnest car ride EVER. my mom and my aunt tu were rocking out to hey ya and then 80s music. it was GREAT. oh and we followed the wrong car. lol. at the place, matthew sat next to me then too. it was kinda odd. he's so outgoing. but i liked him. all throughout the night, my aunts tu and tiffany were like "christiiiiina.... remember altan!". lol
december 27th:
so i woke up and my mom had already gotten done shopping and getting her hair done. she must have been in a truly good mood. she got me my pink chandelier earrings from saks and ... she handed me this bag. i was like ooooook. and she's like open it! and i looked in the bag. and guess what this woman bought me!! no just guess. well i'll tell you. she got me this rectangular pink louis vuitton purse. i was like OMG and i freaked out. she wouldnt tell me how much she got it for though. i doubt it real, but still! it's really close to being real.
now from then on, the day was kinda crappy cuz everything went wrong. we went to eat at chilis and they made us wait for an hour because our party was so big. that was a lesson learned. then after that, we met up with my aunt and her best friend again. the kids and i (along with matthew) went to go bowling. well the bowling waiting list was two hours long. so we went to laserzone. that was quite fun. but it only lasted for like 45 minutes. at one point, matthew was holding me hostage in a corner and using me as a human shield. yes, fun. THEN we went to eat ice cream to kill time. then we went to the park for 10 minutes. but ya know, as soon as i get accustomed to having matthew around, he has to leave. so i took his phone and put my number in it without him knowing. doubt he'll ever call me. doubt we'll ever see each other again. after his family left, i was just missing his annoying eagerness to get to know me. sigh. then we went to this place that had games, movies, bowling, a skate park, and all this stuff. well it was really confusing. bowling had a waiting list, so i left and went to the movies by myself. i couldnt go to the one my mom and aunt tu were already in so i had to go see mona lisa smile all by myself. it was quite lonely. in the twenty before the movie, they played that hootie and the blowfish song "goodbye girl" and i felt... so alone. but the movie was good, i liked it. it was really the perfect chick flick for me. but then when i got out.... i found out my family was pissed at me for going off alone and not telling them what i was seeing and when i'd be out. but they got over it. apparently, my mom was really pissed, but she was just silent when i got in the car. we went to eat sushi where i once again, felt alone. i mean, i was with my family, but the place was such a date place. it was candlelit and played love songs. they played india arie's "ready for love" which is like one of my major songs recently... and i was just like ... sigh.
december 28th:
i got home... sigh. i opened more gifts! yeah i love christmas. i think there's still more to come because i haven't gotten the #1 thing on my list, my electric guitar. here's more stuff i got:
another pair of chandelier earrings
shirt and jeans
pink hat (sounds lame, but it makes me think of like... me being a solo spino)
khaki guess pants
disney princesses cd
precious memories calendar
and my mom bought me the STILL lotion thinking that danielle only bought me the spray, but she's gonna go return it now.
yeah... i think that's all i have to say now.
i hope i get to see luan soon.
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