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2002 31 May :: 6.50 pm
The last day of school. Doesn't really feel like it I guess... hmm.. I had the most fun that i'v had in a while today after school... Sam Greenspan (pendragon) offered 2 take me home cuz hes stayin in Boca w/Dave & Alex.. well.. we decided to go get something 2 eat so we went 2 this all you can eat Japanese restaurant and it was closed plus I wouldn't have been able to go in considering they had a dress code of NO TANKTOPS!! <--wtf??!? anyways.. we then decided on cheap and convenient dominos pizza right next door. I got in2 this long conversation w/the manager there <-Laura and I think I might just invest my future in PIZZA MAKING!!! haha me work?!? yeah. anyways.. we then proceeded to go to this Thrift store on 441.. it was soo much fun hehe Alex Kaplan got this tube top thing stuck on him and Dave was behind him trying 2 pull it off.. it was SOOO great!! haha. anyways Alex and Dave bought some records <-- yes records and Sam got a hat that has some random number on it. It's pretty great and it matches his baby blue "Larry" shirt hehe Dave bought me this 67 cent duck and i heart it <3 very much :0) Sam is a very nervous driver.. I was trying to stay calm but geez.. he was making me VERY uncomfortable!!! lol the drive back was kinda depressing.. we were talking bout Dave and how Sept-Oct were really bad months for him and Sam busts out w/ "yeah.. and remember that one girl you asked out and she rejected you?" At that point my head kinda sunk and i was like omg.. lol little did Sam know, I WAS THAT GIRL!!! it was pretty bad but then we decided that we wouldn't trade our friendship for anything in the world soo its all good :0) I wasn't guna say anything but didn't Sam like me too? <-- i guess Sam can answer that one 4 himself.. geez.. my brothers leaving for sleep away camp 2morrow and i'm obligated to stop by his "going away" party 4 a while.. then its LASER QUEST 4 me!!
OMG Kevin turns 18 in umm... 5 hrs!!! holy shiznittt!!! I can't believe they're graduating and leaving me here... I think i'm guna cry. It's horrible. :0( welll gota look purday :0) call my cell if you'd like to join us <3
5 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 30 May :: 9.23 pm
The Band Quiz By Rahel
I had to do this test about 10 times before i came upon my beloved bassoon :0( Unfortunately I had to put in the exact opposite of everything that I am to get this.. :0( Geez.. it sounds more like Jensen ;0)
I still feel the same. No better, no worse.
The Band Quiz By Rahel
The other love of my life and yet its NOTHING like me :0( these people are very very very wrong :0(
The Band Quiz By Rahel
Hahahaha I think that Laurel would shit a brick if she read this!!! I think it defines the rest of the tubas pretty well though coughBENcough hehe
The Band Quiz By Rahel
"aka" KEVIN BLUM!!! geeeez.. how could his fit him PERFECTLY and mine suck?!??? lol haha.. my brother got the tuba :0)
3 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 30 May :: 12.51 am
Tonight, the world lost its beauty.. there really isn't anything to live for.. Sean's right. It's all worthless. Worthless, that's how I feel. My heart has once again shattered into a million and one pieces yet this time there is noone to rebuild it..
1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 30 May :: 12.44 am
Today I believe in love less and less. No, there is no love.
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 30 May :: 12.27 am
the end of the day. at least there were no mean comments straight to my face.. people were probably thinking them though.
Josh, i'm sorry about all of this. I'm sorry things had to end like this. Its weird, for a while I felt as if I had punctured your skin, got a little closer to your heart.. as if I knew you..but now i know i'm wrong. I look at you and I don't know anything. I see you in school yet its an ackward glance. We make eye contact.. I don't know whether or not to say hi or just look away as if it never happened. You know about my past with trusting people. After all of this I don't think I'll ever trust anyone ever again.. people are only put on earth to hurt. As hurt as I'v probably made you I bet that I have come close or even surpassed you on that scale. I am hurt that we are in this situation. I am hurt that "friends" are turning their backs on me. I am hurt that people are saying untrue things. I am hurt that I cannot read your heart anymore. I am hurt that I am just a mere bystander now. I am hurt when I read your journal, the entries are so beautiful yet I know the meaning behind them. I am hurt that I am writing this now, my feelings are posted for the whole world to see, this is the only way in which I can express them to you. I am hurt that I don't even know if you are going to read this. I am hurt that people don't realize how hurt I am and only see your pain. That sounds incredibly selfish but its true and thats how I feel. I just feel hurt. In the beginning I thought that we could help eachother yet I'm starting to think that it has only made it worse for both of us. I am in an even deeper whole now and well.. I don't know how you are although people tell me that you're okay. I'm not okay and yet I am being ignored. Things will never be the same. Is it better that we go back to before all of this, before anything ever existed.. even before that.. before we knew eachother.. would that make it easier? It hurts me that you've shut me out completely.
I have failed.
3 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 29 May :: 9.29 am
you wake up hoping to feel better..but you don't. Another horrific day awaits you to enter, to inflict itself upon you. You enter. The people will be the same.. the same superficial smiles, the taunting hellos. You wonder for a moment, what do they really think? as quickly as the thought approaches your mind, it vanishes. Now you walk through the gates, a superficial smile is placed upon your face. A world full of plastic palm trees...
Today I will face my fears....
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 28 May :: 9.49 pm
If the day couldn't have possibly gotten shittier it did. My cat clawed up my hand and now its all bleeding and shit. Fun. Stupid people are spreading all kinds of shit about me thats NOT true. Not cool. Grr. Don't you just LOVE it when people assume ( make an ass outa u n me) shit. Hey, I do! yay! grrr <-- sarcasm. Stupid shit. Stupid people. You know Josh. If you're guna be all mad at me and shit cuz of what other people say then i'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't made more of an impact on you and that you don't know what I would and wouldn't do. I'm sorry that these people think they know me sooo well and can say all of this shit. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to my friends in the first place and avoid all these people. I always want to help people yet its the people that I help that will ultimately lead to my destruction. Why be a strong person when everyone is out there just to shoot you down. You know. maybe I WILL go out w/Jason just to piss off everyone even more. Ha. I don't care. Hate me if you want but just leave me the hell alone. Thank god there are only 3 days of school left...
3 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 28 May :: 4.03 pm
1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 28 May :: 3.58 pm
Everyone needs to leave me the fuck alone. Yes, Josh and I broke up. Get over it. People don't stay together forever. Stop saying shit behind my back, I'll eventually hear it anyways. Stop starting stupid rumors and shit its getting old. Leave me the hell alone.
4 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 27 May :: 1.56 pm
:: Music: Thursday - This sadness alone / Dashboard Confessional- A plain morning/ The Juliana Theory - I blew
...
Feeling very emo right now as Sara would put it... I know what I did was for the best and it was the right thing yet it just feels all soo wrong. I have hurt him more then I have ever wanted to. All I ever wanted to do was help him.. now i feel as if I never did and I have only left more hurt, more bad memories. Maybe I was wrong to try... when will I start looking out for myself and not everyone else... sadly I always have to learn the hard way.
Geez... if thats not enough to comprehend, I'v got soo much school shit to do... Stupid research paper due tomorrow which I have yet to start... lets see... studying.. stupid finals grrrr... I need a book but the stupid library is closed. Joy.
Currently talking to Cary about all kinds of music. Fun. Cary told me a funny story bout how he got a detention once. You ought to ask him sometime. It's cute. AAA is a good band. You know, the last CD I'v bought is Lagwagon proly 3 yrs ago. I think i'm going to go and procrastinate some more. Call me if you need me. If you don't know my # i proly didn't wana talk 2 u either.
..and sadly, there is no smile today...
2 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 26 May :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: confused
ummm... Ben got his license <-- its bout time considering hes 18. lol anyways he picked me up w/Zach and Paul already in the car.. we drove around aimlessly 4 a while then decided 2 go 2 the beach. It was pretty cold. P'diddle lol anyways then they dropped me off at around 10 and Chris & Brighton were waiting 4 me in my driveway well.. we got lost 4 like 30min going 2 Jason's house and we hung out there 4 a while. Then we went 2 the Kava Bar and wow that stuffs pretty weird. The screen is sooo bright and it tasted yucky. I saw an old friend there and it was cool.. I didn't recoginze him at all.. he recognized me though <-- have I really not changed?? Well... yeah. I'm confused but that might be under whatever i'm on maybe. Blah. Have I mentioned that I love Brighton? If not then I do. Shes the bestest friend anyone could have ::sigh:: Now 4 the confusing part:
Geez I feel obligated 2 come up w/a cool story... I suppose I'll try...
12:20AM.. the day of my birth. I sit here staring at this bright screen thinking (or rather trying to) of the right words to say. Nothing is right anymore.. things have changed and I am the last to know about them. I am stuck with the choice of 2 doors. Which door will I choose? In this long narrow hall full of doors... most too far away. Although there are doors too far away to choose from, there are two which are right here in which I must choose. There is one, a familiar path, a door I have once opened and yet a new door. A door which has never been explored, one that screams "pick me! pick me!" What do I do? I don't know. Will I know? I don't know. Confusing.. i suppose i'm a bit fucked up so excuse my rambling.. Kava feels liek weed hmm... Brightons really fucked up.
6 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 25 May :: 1.28 am
:: Mood: sleepy
1:32am. Went to Brightons tonight and watched Bubble Boy and Bond do ab exercises. Schools almost over..(finally!) just 1 full day and 3 half days left! Exams then i'm free for a wholeee summer! June i'm guna b a counselor @ the YOPBC Summer Orchestra Camp then July 5-23rd i'm goin 2 Greece & Italy. Warped Tour this year is guna kick some ass. Flogging Molly & soo many other greatness bands! I'm really tired its pretty ridiculous... Welll... if you have been following my journal you'll be familiar w/the whole entire spud/atman situation that has exploded completely out of proportion.. anyways.. i am now talking to Atman and I think he has forgiven me lol We are now exchanging the history of everything :0) I'm guna go 2 bed i think.. good night <3
3 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 19 May :: 2.04 am
its 2:04AM... got back from Band Banquet a little while ago.. GUESS WHAT!! I'm a Sergeantttt!!!!! yay! i'm FINALLY an officer :0) awsomeness! I'm looking all pretty now... got my hair done all pretty and in my pretty purple dressss and make up and yadda yadda yadda. Afterwards we hung out on top of the parking garage @ Embassy Suites. It was boring but okay cuz Stan was there and OMG Stan is incredibly hot! (HAHA our obsession 4 the year ;0)) Grr hes graduating in like a week ;0( o well. I'm really tired. Grrness. Hey, Whitney's a sergeant tooooo! It's guna b sooo awsome next year, i'm much excited! Band Banquet was okay. Food was decent, i got lots of flowers & people told me i was pretty & i was in the band video only about a billion times! uhh... i'm too tired to think.
12 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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2002 17 May :: 2.55 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Subhumans-No more gigs
i left school early and ended up going out to lunch w/my dad and some of his friends. Fun. Anyways. Yearbooks. Fun i suppose.. for about a day... i'm soo sick of signing yearbooks... i made a whole collage in Izzy's last night and it took me FOREVER! Grr.. tonight i'v gota do Kevys. Damn senior friends leaving me lol :0) No.. i'll seriously miss my 2 best senior buds moer then anything in the world :0( Kevs goin all the way to Cleveland! Today was uneventful. Sara made me a very pretty bracelet and i'm the idiot that lost it :0( I have no idea what happened to it at lunch :0( grrrrrrrr i'm guna go cry. (very emo of me) haha <- that was Sara's comment :0)
9 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s |
LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD! |
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