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:: 2005 21 May :: 5.06pm

[ saturday ]
alright, so my dad was supposed to come today, totally didn't, but who thought he really was anyway? ;/ um.. jacki's trying to set me up with this different kid. maybe jill will decide to take everything i say and flip it to make me look like a bitch again. that'd be.. special. um. okay, so yeah. i got different things going on in my mind right now, and none of the solutions are good. infact, they're worse than bad, but i'll keep my comments and emotions to myself, for they will not be taken by somebody and spread around the world like before. i'm tired.

jill's mom called me today. that was nice. she told me happy birthday, and even tho i don't like jill anymore, that don't mean i get to ignore her lol. so.. yeah. i wasn't planning on ignoring sandy at all, i love that woman like a second mom, and i'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible. that was probably one of the two highlights of my day so far.

the second was i went into baskin robbins today, saw lisa and carrie. i love them. conda was working too, but i dispise her with great passion, and so was angela. i like angela, but i don't really talk to her that often. um.. gotta blast.

oh, dee's open house is today. i think i might go back over there because i have the power to do stuff like that. jake's home now :) i gotta see him. that'll be fun.

i'm out now. don't feel like sittin here anymore.

loves it,
- Jejuan

:: 2005 21 May :: 1.38am
:: Music: ciara ft. ludacris - oh

[ productive ]
just how my night was.. not. i didn't do shit today. i.. woke up, got online, talked to somebody, got offline, went out to dinner with my mom, went and bought a cake, came home, went to tj's, came back home. woo..

but anyway, i'll talk about the highlight. i met jacki's 2nd 'friend' for me. bruce. he's from arkansas lol. he got a cute lil accent. i love it. and he looks familiar, but.. whatever. he's nice. i like him. jill was there too, but i don't think i can ever look her in the eye or.. at her really.. at all.. for very long without feeling the urge to punch her in the face. but.. anyway, yeah. so bruce is cute and.. he smells good. lol. he's 21, so that's fine. i don't gotta problem with that. he's nice. gotta good voice lol. it made me smile the first time i heard it. so cute lol. im such a GIRL.

okay, so yeah. that's.. it. i'm gonna go lay down maybe. we'll see.

holla!
- Jejuan

:: 2005 19 May :: 8.05pm
:: Music: ashley gearing - can you hear me when i talk to you

[ i love not being in high school ]
it's.. just a blast. all the drama shit is gone.. -rolls eyes- well. for me it's gone. because when somebody pisses me off, i can just ignore them forever and move on with my life. i enjoy that. i really do. so i have.. many problems. if you didn't know that already, then you do now. but.. moving on.

alright, so i decided i'm not gonna be jill's friend anymore. i.. decided this on my own. why? because. i can't stand her anymore. she called me a liar. nobody calls me a liar about my own thoughts. so i'll just.. move on with my life without her input. that whole.. kevin thing. yeah, i don't care bout the HIM part, i got over that real fast. but then i decided to.. call jill the other day, and talk to her about it cause.. she was presisant on talking about it. so i told her, and then she called me a liar about something i said and i was thinking. um.. i don't believe you are my brain, and i do believe you misunderstood what all i said about the matter, but that was your decision. now.. i'm not ending my friendship with jill because of kevin. hell nah. i'm ending it because she called me a liar about what i was saying. i wasn't telling her about somebody else, i was telling her about me. how the fuck can i lie about what i was thinking? not possible. but, whatever. that's my thing. people can't call me a liar anymore, because i'm not gonna waste my time on proving myself to somebody who i shouldn't have to prove myself to. it takes too much time and energy. that's not the only reason though, that's just the main one. and the whole kevin thing in general is a big one. okay. oh, and just cause i gotta walk with her, don't mean i gotta talk to her.

so i had another epiphany the other day, and earlier today. i been cool by myself. i like being by myself, so i've decided on a few things. i just need one other person that i've been talking to to.. help me out i guess. i'm pretty much.. indirectly asking this person. but, anyway. i'm moving.. someday. into dorms. i want to move into the dorms of university of central florida. i really do, but we'll see how that goes. or i want to move into the dorms of a university here. i'm just.. not sure yet. i want to go to florida, quick. i've wanted to move there since i was 9 so i'm going to, damnit. and my mom said she'll help me. i just.. need to find out when. i believe i'm done now.

loves it,
- Jejuan

ps. i changed my lil look here. it's.. special :)

:: 2005 19 May :: 3.49am
:: Music: the calling - our lives

[ thinking ]
i was just listening to this song, thinking about graduation.. then i started thinking about ryan. and how he wanted to graduate just as much as any of us, then he made a mistake, and he can't walk. i wanna cry for him. i really do. i'm not gonna, but i just.. do. i feel bad for him. i realize he made a big mistake, a stupid one, but everybody makes mistakes, and they have consequences. but depriving somebody from doing something they were working 13 years for is something that shouldn't happen. punish him, just don't take away his graduation.

i wanna talk to him. i wish i was closer with him, so i could talk to him, and ask him questions.. but i can't. i know ryan, he's a good kid, but i don't know him that well. that works with.. a lotta people to me though. like.. dan laatz. last day of school, he told me to jus call him up sometime. i can't do that. i know dan, and i talked to dan a lot in school this year, but i'm not that close with him. same with keegan loye, tyler mull, and.. just.. a lot of people. then there are people i wish i didn't know outside of school, which will remain nameless. seniors that i like, but wish they were just school friends. well, actually, only like one.. but that's fine. i can't.. change it now. i'll be.. going someplace. central. michigan or florida, who knows. but one of them. my aim is central florida, but.. yea. we'll see.

my birthday is tomorrow, and i graduate in 1 week. and.. my dad is coming up on saturday. :( i don't really want him to, but oh well.

alright, i'm done. time for bed. and.. it's 4 am lol. awesome.

loves it,
- Jejuan

:: 2005 18 May :: 3.04pm

[ score ]
i'll admit it..

i slept till 2:30..

and liked it.

:: 2005 16 May :: 12.46am

[ sunday ]
it's.. monday, actually. anyway, i'm in a bad mood. my friends are idiots. i hate them all because i can't tell one person something and have them just.. listen and not do anything about it. and then i got.. other problems i'm not going into because i'm gonna stop mentioning this person. i'm gonna try to forget about 'em actually.. we'll see how that goes.

so yeah. jill's a skank. she's my friend, but i just love how i told her i wasn't sure about kevin and then she goes and gets all up on him like nothing. then she askes why i'm in a bad mood. it's kinda like if.. she just met somebody and wasnt sure about him and said to me "i dont like him.. hes nice.. but i dont know. i have to give it time." i would not go to him THE SAME NIGHT and be like "hey.. wanna fuck?" she didn't.. do that. but that's what it's like to me in my mind. so yeah. there ya go jill.. that's why i'm pissed.

me and j are done, dont talk to me about him.. ever again. please. and dont ask me questions. and dont mention him.. ever. amanda is the only one that can cause she dunno bout.. anything really yet i dont think. but i'll fill her in then i'm done. no more talk about him. k.. thanks. it's hard enough for me just.. thinking about him every 3 seconds.

i wanna kill myself. real bad. like.. real real bad. like if i had a gun at my disposal i'd use it on myself right this very moment. dont tell me you love and youd miss me. i dont want to hear it. i just want to.. rant.

i'm done now. thanks.

:: 2005 12 May :: 9.27pm
:: Music: afroman - i got high

[ thursday ]
got school off today and again tomorrow. that's wonderful. i just have to go back on monday. damnit. oh well, i'll survive.

i got my prom pictures back. i got.. a lotta pictures. :) i gotta give everyone they doubles n stuff.

um.. i'm sick.

okay, i'm done.

:: 2005 8 May :: 3.07pm
:: Music: brooke valentine - million bucks

[ i hate my life ]
my mom's a piece of shit that won't be nice to me and gets drunk and fucks random guys, j's an asshole that disappeared, and i'm a fat ass girl who can't do anything right, nor look good with whatever i wear.

life sucks, and it's way too fuckin long.

:: 2005 3 May :: 1.10pm
:: Music: switchfoot - meant to live

[ well.. alright then ]
i'm in florida right now. my mom wanted to go and sit by the pool allllll day, and i didn't.. so she got me this web tv thing. it's alright. i miss my computer tho lol. it's just somethin ima have to deal with. can't get on aim or msn or anything like that. oh well tho. i got my email at least so that's alright.

prom was.. different. the actual dance was lame until about 10 minutes before i left. kinda wanted to stay longer since i was having fun at that point, but oh well. prom night i realized i'm never gonna trust a guy, ever again, for the rest of my life.

j didn't come like he said he was going to. since he got shot and all.. which is fucked up. it's one of those things where i'm torn. i wanna believe it because.. i hate thinkin somebody would lie about somehin like that. but whatever. either way, he wasn't with me like he said he was going to be. let's say he did get shot and all that, dont you think that he'd avoid a situation like that if he cared enough to come here? whatever. i'm not gonna sweat it anymore because i'm done with him. for real. if he lives, he knows my email and my number and.. whatever else he knows. he can talk to me if he feels like it, but i'm done with him. -shrugs-

okay, then there was josh. which isn't a big deal really, but since i've been lied to already in a major way on prom night, it's great to know that i was blown off again.. by someone who wouldn't spare 4 minutes with me. thanks.

anyway, i'm done. i'm gonna just enjoy being away from cedar springs for the next 4 days and then.. get back to my pathetic life.

oh, jacki got me in on some blind date thing. we'll see how that goes.

:: 2005 29 April :: 4.48pm

j was shot

:: 2005 29 April :: 12.08pm
:: Music: christina milian - dip it low

[ prom tonight ]
so my prom date stood me up, i knew it was gonna happen.. but i didn't want to believe it. his loss tho cause ima have fun without him. for a long time. i'm not talkin bout just.. prom. i'm talkin bout the next.. 80 years of my life. i doubt i'll be alive that long, but if i am..

anyway, i'm leavin to get my hair done and.. shop a lil bit :) shopping is fun when you find stuff lol. okay, so yeah. i'm gon.. do a lot tonight. a lot of bad. ima be real bad.. lol.

anyway, i'm out. see ya.

:: 2005 28 April :: 3.31pm

[ i fucking hate this week ]
i hate everything about this week. it all sucks. all of it. not one good thing has come out of this week, and i'm so fucking done, i'm not kidding.

i dont have a fucking prom date. i have a god damn dress for a fucking stupid ass dance i didnt want to go to in the first place, but somebody fucking talked me into going. yeah, fuck you by the way.

i locked my keys in my car so my mom had to leave work to get my car open. fucking great. i've seen more fucking cops on the road than ever.. senior interviews were fucking gay, and i have to deal with stupid fucking people all god damn day. fuck. i'm so pissed.

maybe my plane will blow up saturday. that'd be nice.

:: 2005 27 April :: 1.10am
:: Music: seether - fine again

[ i'm excited/anxious ]
well, i don't have to work at all for the rest of this week or next week. i'm so happy about that, but i have other stuff i have to do. tomorrow are senior interviews, and i'm so excited. i'm gonna enjoy skipping my first 5 hours of school lol. if i didn't have to teach the preschoolers tomorrow, i would've just skipped the wole day, but oh well. kids are fun. :) then.. i won't get into the rest of the day because.. i don't feel like it.

thursday i'm going to get my nails done. i doubt i'll get my toes redone, but we'll see. it depends on how much money i decide to spend.

friday is prom. i'm going with jill. we'll have fun maybe. jill, jacki, tj, dana, and.. maybe a couple other people are alll gon be in our limo. we gotta full limo now instead of just the.. three people there were gon be in there. which is.. okay. i cant have sex on the floor as easy now, but damnit.. i'm gonna do it by the end of the night. maybe. probably not. we'll see about that too.

then saturday.. know what, i did all this before. i don't care though, i'm doing it again because i want to. anyway, saturday i'm leaving for florida. so that'll be fun. my mom dont wanna do what she planned on doing anymore. i dunno if i do either, but we'll see. it.. really depends on how we feel.

then.. yup. i'll be in florida all week and come home onnnn.. saturday. or sunday. whatever, i don't care. i'm tired. i'm gon go to bed now. goodnight :)

:: 2005 26 April :: 3.33pm
:: Music: fredro starr / jill scott - true colors

[ tuesday ]
my day.. is alright. i was doin real good till about 5 minutes ago. i know why, but i'm not gonna go into it until.. tomorrow. or.. yea. whenever.

i have to work today, and i really don't want to. but since lisa needed somebody to work for her, i volunteered. i'm such a nice kid. and yeah. so i'll be there from 6-10. somebody should come visit me :) lol.

me and keegan are twins. best believe. keegan are me and like tight that totally. ;) lol

alright, i'm done.

[ Jejuan ]

:: 2005 25 April :: 11.43pm

i think my friends boyfriend is beating her, and i'm not the only one that thinks that. it's a touchy subject.. so i'll just stay out of it.

but still..

:: 2005 25 April :: 12.54am
:: Music: frankie j / baby bash - obsession

this week is gon be busy.
oh man, i have so much stuff to do this week, it's amazing. BUT i'm not complaining. i can't wait for wednesday or.. friday. two of the most important days, damnit. and.. thursday. okay. so really.. monday and tuesday are gonna be long. but the rest of the week is gonna fly by so fast, i'll be ready for that plane by saturday.

[monday] go to school, clean my room, work from 6-close. not too shabby.

[tuesday] go to school, clean my room, go to work from 6-close. once again.. not too shabby lol.

[wednesday] oh man. the week has begun on wednesday. j's gonna be here. well.. in rockford on wednesday. excited? yes very much. anyway. i have senior interviews until.. whenever. depending on the time, i'll be going home or.. to rockford with jill. depending on the interviews though. then.. 6th hour i'll be going back to school to teach the little preschoolers with brandy. then.. after that. me and jill are going to rockford to meet up with j. and.. then god knows what. but still. somethin. probably jill getting her nails done. we'll see. then.. yeah. probably be there all night or somethin, i dunno yet.

[thursday] school, after that i'll be.. getting into my lovely geo, gettin j, and we're gon go get my nails did. :) and.. then we're going into baskin's to.. show him off. damn straight. boy don't even know how much he's gon be dragged around. then.. after all that.. i duno. we'll see. thennn.. yes. jill will be busy all day, so then i dunno what ima do with j all by myself... :) be good, i bet. not. he's bad. anyway, yes. so then.. once that day is done.. i still won't sleep.

[friday] go to school till 12. then.. leave, get my mama and j maybe.. and go get my hairs done. then.. after that. i'll.. take j back to his lil area and he can do.. whatever. then i'll be back here to get ready for 'a night on the town.' ;) lol. then.. yes. me, jill, j, maybe jacki and tj will be alll here. for massive pictures.. and stuff. then.. we'll jump into our $100 some odd dollar limo and drive to either.. olive garden, or applebee's, or.. someplace else lol. then.. we'll do our thing there, then leave. hit prom like there's no tomorrow.. there has to be tho. friday is not the end of my exciting week. then.. after prom we'll be leaving go either hit ryan's party, or just go home and find somethin else to do. probably ryan's because.. shit.. why not. then.. i dunno. i just know i have to be home at like 3am. so that's fine. that's gonna be such a great day, i'm excited. then.. i'll say goodbye to j for.. a day or somethin. lol. then.. i'll go home and sleep.

[saturday] wake up, get on a plane to philly. then hit a plane to orlando. then.. hit the hotel room and check out the area, the beach, the.. whatever else. then chill and sleep.

[sunday] maybe.. not sure.. depends.. going to see j's place if he's home by then since.. he's drivin up here. then.. yes. i dunno what else. maybe see a college or somethin. then yup.. bed.

[monday] busch gardens! :) then see j again probably. then.. yeah. bed.

[tuesday-friday] who knows. lol. but i'll be seein j again sometime in there. :) i'm gonna get way used to seein his face. i'm gonna cry when i have to say bye to him tho. and.. come back here until.. august. :( oh well. i don't care. i won't think about that right now.

so yes, that's my 2 week snippet. lol :D i am soooo excited. you have no idea. i should go to bed right now, but i can't sleep for shit. i'll be up all night long, then work, then come home and do this all over again lol. just watch.

:: 2005 21 April :: 4.15pm
:: Music: default - faded

[ worst day ever ]
my day is shit. i hate today so much. it got a little better between goin to school and comin home. you know that whole.. 20 minutes i was out. but it's back to being ridiculous. i hate my life.

my mom fuckin yelled at me for so long last night. i was on the phone for a lil of it too. and riley heard my mom yell at me, but whatever. i don't care. then.. yeah. i started to cry really hard cause i had a lot of other things on my mind also.

okay, so first i get this letter sayin i tested positive on the hepatitis c screening test. but negative on the hcv test. so.. i dunno. i gotta go back in 6 months or something to get retested. then i have that on my shoulders, then my mom comes all up in my room screamin at me. tellin me i never do anything right, i'm always mean to her, and i don't appreciate anything or anybody. so i lost it there. and i was on the phone. so i started cryin and riley was like "i'll let you go.. and talk to you later.." poor girl. i hate havin people watch/hear me cry.

whatever, so my mom was all yellin at me like.. all day today. and leavin messages sayin "i'm sorry i raised my voice, but it's your fault. call me later." oh. and last night, she like.. threw all my shit on the floor, and i couldnt find my glasses, and since i'm blind.. i couldn't find them myself. so i asked her to help and she fuckin yelled at me the whole time. it was horrible.

i hate my mom so much.

but i got the guest pass for j so.. yea. he can.. go to prom with me and actually be let in.

i gotta work from 6 to whenever i come home tonight. lee's stayin the night again so i don't wanna come home at all. but.. whatever. maybe my mom will get trashed again and forget about me again. please, god, have her do that..

:: 2005 10 April :: 12.57am
:: Music: the calling - our lives

[ fuck.. ]
i just deleted like.. two effin entries on accident lol. eh.. whatever.

so i talked to jill today. a lot. like.. god damn. lol. i found out her deepest darkest secrets. and she found out mines :p lol. that was.. interesting.

um.. gotta work tomorrow. then i get my schedule for next week. if i gotta do 6 days again ima be pissed.

well.. not pissed. just.. tired by like wednesday.

20 days till prom, 21 days till i'm in florida. what now, bitches? :)

keegan - i hope you got my camera to work the way you wanted it to. :) i didnt delete the pictures yet so.. if you couldnt get it to do what you wanted.. i can send you the pictures. alright cool.

i'm out homies,
- jejuan

:: 2005 7 April :: 1.15am

i hate you. i hate you more than i could explain. i'll kill myself to get away from you. that way i dont have to deal with the consequences.

sounds good to me.

:: 2005 4 April :: 11.19pm

[ yea, ow ]
i snapped my wrist at work like.. two days ago, then again today. it hurts.. really really bad. and i work 31 hours this week.. 6 days. yeehaw. barb said that if i get tired like halfway thru the week to just let her know and i can get a break, but i'll be fine.

my wrist hurts real bad.

like.. real real bad.

i think it's gonna fall off.

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