Run through the Jungle
I wish i had seen the pretenders
The hours was very insightful
Damn it if some random guy can make me smile and make my stomach jump into my throat.
The few details are jumbled.
Weird to catch me smiling...
"Don't get me wrong if I'm looking kind of dazzled I see neon lights whenever you walk by...Don't get me wrong if im acting so distracted.. I'm thinking about the fireworks that go off when you smile"-the pretenders are lovely..
Who knows what i am getting myself into again.
Its a phase. Ignore this. little girl
Sarahtikalama ;)

Don't call me pretty Baby anymore
Silly, all i want is to be truly happy..

ps. Why am i not attractive? [ i've never been able to cope.. even after 15 years of life]

I miss you the most when your looking right through me
Im starting to think that i am that one who has been trivializing my life and it comforts me to think that i meant nothing to you. [because then perhaps all of my actions would be justified by the fact that you don't care]Ive always wanted to tell you how i felt all this time but i was afraid that you would laugh or have no reaction at all. but now my chance is gone anyways with these monthes of seperation i have placed between us. To think that something i did made you look at me so bitterly. I don't know why you don't smile anymore but I wish it was because of me. Even though you have probably forgotton my name by now. Its Sarah. Im sorry. maybe i should just leave things the way they are but something tells me that its not best this way.

I guess Ill see what i can do[ if i even deserve to look at you again]

rockin out on the key board.
This is when my bipolarness shines. Half of this entry will be delightful and the other half will hopefully be completely depressing, well at least thats what i am going for.
Let's talk about the good before i completly lose that feeling to the dark side.
All in all, everyone looked amazing. I would marry at least 10 of the guys in there on the spot. Yes. I do. Protagonist should have won just because i need all of them to date me. But actually the right person won. Congrats. I know all your songs. The rappers were pretty good. but i think that others deserved to win too like enough to have or maybe one of the singers.
But basically i have to say that i have a complete and utter infatuation with a guy a never met. Not the first and certainly not the last. Not that that's a good thing. Yes i am totally insane because i act like this guy is a fucking star. When he is really basically my age. except older and in a band. Basically i don't know if i will ever wash my arm again i think i will just leave the shower door open and stick it out. I am the biggest insane teenybopper fan. I wish i wasn't. Everyone from protagonist is marrying me. I don't care is they want too. I am soo hyper and infatuated. need a hose or something to cool me off. whoa.
So many cute guys. Why the hell am i single.
Well that sentence leads me to the second part of this entry
proof that i am invisible seemed to be shoved in my face today.
And seriously i hate you. Now i feel horrible just thinking about it.
Dammit Dammit Dammit.
Why the hell do i do this to myself. Why the hell do others do this to me?
I can't seem to breath today. I hate fooling myself. Yeah of course , yeah of course You are so fucking great Sarah. Why the hell don't people like you? or even notice your around?
It's really funny
Time and time again i build myself up to believe i am something but this keeps on building too and i can never rise above it.
And i wish i could go into specifics but that would just make me feel stupid and everyone thinks that i have low expectations for someone so picky. but i don't because they don't want me. I'm supposed to be happy that they even look in my direction.
[And they do look in my direction sometimes but its not at me]
and no one can make this better. because i don't need to hear false sympathy and i don't need to hear that i am great because i feel like shit right now. and i am crying. because that's how much it hurts.[to be me]
and i am not making this up. i wish i was.

It's me against the world [Night swimming deserves a quiet night, I'm not sure all these people understand]
I should have written before when i was more emotional about the topic, but oh well. It probably won't come out the way i want it to. It never does. I write everything but whats on my mind. On another note [disclaimer]: i might write things in here that some people might take offense to or not agree with or just laugh at, but you chose to read my journal. I'm done censoring myself, for the most part. And i'm probably not sorry.
To begin with [everything], last night i had a complete emotional breakdown. The tears would not stop flowing. Sometimes you think about one thing and it opens all these closet doors and skeletons fall all over the place. And i don't know what i want to say anymore.
Have you ever felt like you don't matter? I think that's is what I am getting at.
I went to rock the river yesterday. The icing on the cake, a guy that i've been infatuated with (from afar) since 6th grade bumped into me and just kept on going. No sorry. (Do you know how long I've been trying to get his attention?) Am i invisible!?
And that's not all.. not even close. [of course not]
It's everything, its every day, it is everybody. And i can't think of anybody who i haven't hated at one time or another. There are so many times when i think it would be best to seclude myself and never have anyone because then i would never have to deal with anything and i could just sit and listen to music and not have to worry about whos feelings i am hurting or who, specifically, is hurting mine.
Also, I saw Ken last night and Dammit if it didn't get to me like it always does because it always does. I almost convinced myself that i hate him, but during my late night crying session i realized that i don't hate him, i hate how he makes me feel. Completely inferior. Completely invisible. I hate that feeling [so much]. I've known him for about 5 years and he doesn't even notice I am there. All he ever does i pay attention to Stacey. And she soaks it up. That's why i never leave my house, because that is what i have to deal with all the time. [not just with Ken] And no one understands, even though they think they do. It's not like it happens sometimes it happens all the time.
I'm crazy and I make competition in my head that no one knows about except for me. I set myself up for failure because it's always a losing battle.
It's always those people that i wish would notice me that look right past me (or right next to me for that matter.)Maybe the guy in charge of my life lost his glasses about 15 years ago and all my wishes end up happening to people a couple of feet away from me. It kills me to see others having what i want. I always give my heart away and i always care to much and i never get anything in return. I know that i am the only one who even cares, only because everyone trivializes my problems. Basically, i hate everyone. No one cares enough to change.
And i can site so many other examples of people who just look right past me and it sickens me.
I don't know anymore, i lost my train of thought.
Sorry for taking up your time
Just forget me its that simple

If i stared too long I'd prolly break down and cry.
I enjoy this year so far. I really do.
I am sick. Its such a nuisance. I'll live.. hopefully.
I'm really happy for my brother, but it just makes me jealous, because they seem to really hit it off. Like i want someone, a significant other as you will. I want someone to make me smile. Don't get me wrong. I am a happy kid.. but not as happy as i could be and who doesn't want to reach their full potential?
I feel like writing but for some reason i write everything down but whats on my mind.
I don't know if i'm ready to let go yet, to fall .. for someone.. anyone. Doesn't really matter because i don't think my parachutes working. Dammit i am not in for a tom petty moment right now. Stability. So there for we will se what happens. I am just not ready to give my heart away to just anyone. there fore i am alone.
I'm offically done with this entry
Check

Wisdom from a beauty queen
Trying not to think [about something or someone] is still thinking...
think about that

blueyed717: did you give em the razzle dazzle
I just feel like writing again...
ok so winning back stephanie. It's going to be hard. I won't lie. But ya know after a year , i still miss her like crazy. like dana said.. its hard to lose a best friend... gosh even now she can still drive me to tears.. ya know just to know someone cares.
blueyed717: shes like to me i think sarah is mad at me bc i said that i would be a ninja when she asked me ninjas or pirates
blueyed717: and shes like yea i miss sarah so much
blueyed717: and shes like i wonder how shes doing with that guy
blueyed717: and im like well shes just to good for him your know and i dont know it might have passed

Sometimes.. though it is hard.. you have to look past the differences, the mistakes, and see that theya re the same person at the core. indeed i will not give up yet.
But on another note The Billy project is in progress. Today I'd like to think I sparkled. Tpday i felt a little better.. a little more confident.. but the problem is i'm not dazzling the right people. I'm still a cinnamon bagel wrapped in cellophane to them. Damn i shouldn't let that bring me down. I hope i am doing this for me. I need to feel better about my self.. but ya know.. today i looked in the mirror and i liked what I saw and for me thats almost a first. No matter what anyone else thinks I guess i'd like to think i was pretty, like i have something to offer. Ya know, i kind of think I do. Makes me smile a bit.
Ahhhh i got an A in ap world. What a big sequin. i was so ecstatic. Damn i am so proud. Every little bit helps.
I hope soon i can learn to stop feeling sorry for myself. Life isn't all that bad. It kinda has a little sparkle to it.
Thats is all for now i guess.

Miss Cellophane
Well I'm in for a long entry so... buckle your seat belts. (as we do in the movies)
I don't know what I want to talk about... to begin with. everything.
Chicago was a very good movie. It made me remember something about my self. That I love to sing... especially like that. So i am going to try out for Musical theatre. Hopefully Stacey will too.. Wish us luck.
Also Richard Gere is a hunka hunka burning love.. well he's getting old. Flame dying out. Its ok. He's lovely.
Catherine Zeta Jones and Renee Zelwegger (Im a spelling genious) Both fantabulous.
I need to sing. I need that life.
Anyways, Mister Cellophane, the song.. thats how i feel most of the time.. but maybe this year that will change.. maybe i can change that.
"If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his keg
You'd notice him

In someone in the movie show
Yelled "fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone get noticed now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was woman wed
And sleepin' oin a double bed
Beside one man for seven years
You'd notice him

A human bein's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there

(Spoken) Hope I didn't take up too much of your time."

Well, from now on, I am going to try, try that is, to have confidence or at least look like i do. Its funny because I hardly ever get noticed but at the mall everyone kept looking at me. Possibly because i have some defect. But it doesn't matter. I have seen people with nothing to offer. no clue. But they are bursting with confidence. Now that's an admirable quality.
My future is up in the air right now. For my love life at least. I don't know anymore. There is no one, all the someones are taken or homosexual, or just plain stupid.
Something has got to be done.
A little encounter tonight had notttthinng to do with any of this ;). Well. I just have to keep my emotions in check. But i played miss cellophane tonight.
I don't know
I am in the mood to live it up. I sat on the other side of the car
Check mate

Inspirational proverbs for this fun new year
- A ship on the harbor is safe.. but that is not what ships are built for
-"You never test the depth of a river with both feet."
-There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
-A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey
-it is never too late to be what you might have been.
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
-False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
-The best way to predict the future is to invent it!
-Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come
-"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something."
-"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". --Gandhi
-"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music". - George Carlin
-"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." -- Jessica Alba
-***Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special." ***

Well this new Year has started out pretty good. I almooost can't wait to go back to school, just to get back into the race. But i know that sitting is MUCH more appealing. My hair is cut. Everyone is going to want the Sarah. (the haircut not me).

Its been a long december and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better then the last
Its almost the new year. For some odd reason, I decided to do nothing to celebrate. Possibly because I have grown comfortable with the fact that I do not enjoy or thrive in social situations. Maybe i shouldn't get too comfortable. Either way i'm not getting a kiss when the clock strikes 12.
Its 11:11
In an attempt to waste time let's review this year
1. Got a B second semester. Wow my life is full of CRAZY events
2. The whole Michael 'fiasco' if it even deserves to be named. Which it doesn't. How young and naive i was at fourteen. haha. i think i just made a joke.
3. LDC- Leadership Development Center.. little crush on Jeremiah... Met Will. Still deciding if thats a good thing. Wow many examples of how me being unsocial ruined a perfectly good life.
4. I got on Newspaper. I got candy too.
5. Saw Ken. The whole Ken episodes. It was a mini season.. we were all wrapped up in that. But he got too cool (don't know if it was before or after he got hit by a car.)
6. Lost Stephanie. and just now decided i miss her so much.
7. Met Amy.
8. Liked many guys who would never like me.. ok only a few.
9. My grandmother died.
10. I conquered AP world
11. All the crazy nerd stuff my posse and I did. practically streaking through Allisons neighborhood. All the video taps. etc etc. I love you guys
...and possibly many more new and exciting things!!!
Sarah's the name.. highschool loserdom is my game.
Well last night i started crying. thank you Aaron Carter, Trick Daddy, and Dream Street for making me feel better (or thanks to stephanie.. not that she has a link to this.)
O yeah and i was crying today too. I can't seem to control my emotions.. maybe i just feel i am getting in over my head with exepectations.
To add to all my new years jitters.. Stacey won't pick up her phone.. I guess she is flying away like the butterfly she is.. with all her 'friends'.
Well i am with my friends too.. myself and lets not forgot my trusty sidekick spike.
She called period
Third eye blind amazes me.
I just ran through my house without pants on and danced in my underwear for the last crazy stunt of the year.
My mother and I are watching the ball drop together. how cute.
It is officially 2003
Evil Angel 911: PENIS
Evil Angel 911: for the record that is the first thing i said this year.
It sounds like our house is being bombed or shot at with all the fire works.. DUCK.
Well now is the perfect time to discuss my
New Year's Resolutions
1. Eat healthy and exercise (the standard) I started two days ago..Not doing tooooo well. but now its 2003
2. Do things I've never done.. aka sit on the opposite side of the car. Let's see if I can spice things up a bit
3. To go along with that. Stop being the girl behind the Camera. To watch everyone live their lives, being the observer no one ever notices...This is what mad me cry yesterday.. i think too much.
4. To make an unhappy person happy (almost impossible but it would be nice)
5. to win back stephanie..(more impossible)
6. (Most importantly) To ALWAYS be myself. I learned last year, unfortunately through experiance, that one should never try to be someone else... or he/she will surely regret it.
I have this weird hopeful feeling that this year will be better then the last.
I will be 16. A lot of things are going to happen.
I hope it will be my year :)
Also i want to write songs with Sara.. maybe start a band.
I think I'm going to have a lot of fun this year.