:: 2005 28 February :: 5.13 pm

All of the seasons
And all of the days
All of the reasons
Why I've felt this way
So long, so long

Then lost in that feeling
I looked in your eyes
I noticed emotion
And that you had cried
For me
I can see

What would touch me deeper
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes
That know why?

A lifetime of questions
Tears on your cheek
I tasted the answers
And my body was weak
For you
The truth

What would touch me deeper
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes
That know why?

I'm so lonely without my baby's love
I want you to know I'd die for one more moment

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 27 February :: 3.36 pm

just redid my journal :-) yay its prettyyyy what do you think?

okay dont think im crazy or anything, but i am thinking of writing a book, if you would like your thoughts and ideas to be used in the making of this book please leave a comment in my journal asking 3 serious questions, or making 3 serious statements about things, and thoughts in life.. thank you <3

'nobody likes you, everyone left you, they're all out without you having fun.'

love,
someone who doesn't really matter to you, but you act like you care anyway

BlckTangldHrt35x: thats like my first instinct
BlckTangldHrt35x: to make ppl happy lol
Sarryy5: awww
Sarryy5: youre too nice
BlckTangldHrt35x: well i mean i guess the reason i do everything like that
BlckTangldHrt35x: is cuz i alwasy just think of that quoute "treat people how you would like to be treated" -- "do unto others as you would like done unto you"
Sarryy5: very true
Sarryy5: i wish everyone was like you
Sarryy5: life would be good
BlckTangldHrt35x: lol there will never be a selfless world
BlckTangldHrt35x: i mean i never used to be like this.. until i felt wat it was like to be on the bottom..
BlckTangldHrt35x: and i never wanted to feel like that again
Sarryy5: aww manda
Sarryy5: you dont have to ever feel like that again
Sarryy5: youre surrounded with all these people that care about you and love you:-)
BlckTangldHrt35x: aww babyyy i love you
Sarryy5: i love you way more
BlckTangldHrt35x: but most people will never understand what its liek on the other end of the comment, on the other end of the punch on the other end of whatever selfish scheme theyre plotting.. until they are in that position. and some even then will never understand. humans are naturally greedy.. people will NEVER be able to live civily and correct

5 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 27 February :: 10.37 am

if we sleep together, will you like me better?

hum.. well first off.. i got to see ryannn yesterday aww i love him soooo much!

hmm what else is there.. i do still have alot on my mind but somethings been different lately i dont know what it is.. but i need something..

today I'm missing something,
in this small new england town.
here's to you my best friend...
just wanted to say that I miss
having you around.

7 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 26 February :: 10.59 pm

your always in my head.. replaying over and over..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 22 February :: 8.13 am

im such an idiot..disregard everything stupid ive said in this journal.. i dont know its way too early buti feel this horrible feeling in the pitt of my stomache like im crazy.. and i fuck shit up all the time..

I'm so tired of trying

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down

-

you see shes just a girl
looking for nothing but a boy
to get along nicely for a while
until she has to move along

i know hes got a thing for her..
hes too blind to see hes only temporary
he kisses her like hes here to stay
while shes getting ready to walk away

(chorus)
she lives her days laying in the sun
she spends her time looking to have fun
with anyone
she will use him up and leave him dry
and hell be wishing he was with her
til she says goodbye..

she twirls her hair around her fingers
giving off those awkward signals
as hes thinking to himself
when to touch, and when to control himself

she looks at him with her dark brown eyes
hes sees a pool of paradise
theyre playing with fire in their hands
shell never meet his demands

(chorus)

as night falls shes growing weery
and she can see the want in his eyes
he reaches out to hold her..
only to find that shes not there

(chorus)

and he wonders why shes run away
she knows she played her game okay
hell think about her three or four more nights
she'll know that hes alright

but he'll never let her go like she can,
and never miss him so
cuz his lips will always long for hers again
but she wont be affected,
she knows just how to play with men

(chorus to fade)

--

the fire blows smoke in my eyes
unveiling my evil disguise
im living in a little peice of you
as the smoke leaves a trail in the black of the sky
theres still a spot for you and i

where the sky meets the water,
where the trees meet the clouds
the news is out, theyve heard it all
they know more than i do
cuz they were there and all..

sometimes its like i never felt
the touch of your skin
without feeling lonely
or empty within
its like when you take me
you steal me away
and its nothing but a dream
and im just a feind..

(chorus)
its all in the game
read the instructions
im lost, i need to find a way back
down the trail of lonliness
help me home..
i dont wanna be alone...

we all know what you mean
but nobody wants to believe
that they could be at stake
that theyre lives could feel this earth quake

as the fire nips at the tips of their toes
theyre evil and theyre spitting out fire
stand behind the wire dont you get hurt
im shockingly empty, your heavy by far for sure

sometimes its like i never felt
the touch of your skin
without feeling lonely
or empty within
its like when you take me
you steal me away
and its nothing but a dream
and im just a feind..

(chorus)

your used up and jaded
im getting a little bit bored if you care at all
i hear your footsteps pounding down the hall
your as void as i with your vodka in hand..
ready to make your demands

eveyone knows your a coward
you drink away all your pain..
but it all comes tumbling down
as the earth starts to quake beneath my feet
im losing ground, and the smoke gets in my eyes

nobody understands.. nobody knows what to say
nobody knows what i mean.. nobody knows how to be
anything other than pain, anything other than hate
its all understood.. because..
the smoke gets in my eyes
but theres still room for you and i..

3 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 21 February :: 1.56 pm

its like.. im a feind because when i try to grasp what it feels like in my hand, to hold on to, or remember, i cant. its not something that can be created on my own its not something i can remember the feeling of without the actual touch, without the actual situation. and thats why i need it so badly because i always need to recreate that amazing feeling i always need to feel so connected, so intimate, i always need to feel those lips press against mine teasing me.. making me feind for more. i just think im addicted, not to sex. but to him im addicted to how good he makes me feel its like its not just sex its like its intimate.. its.. something else, and yet its nothing at all. im just so confused by this whole topic i never know what to make of it. its like im a mature young lady involving myself with someone who knows just what to do. its such a tease and torture because hes so amazing at all that he does.. even one touch turns me on he doesnt even have to work to get me to want it. i just always do. if he asked me to go fuck in the middle of school you know, i would because i constantly love to feel him inside me i just need it.
ah for all of you reading this almost disgusted by it, i dont care! because if you dont like it dont read it, this is my journal -- its mine. i would never write to suit anyone but myself. hum..

well ive realized that pot really suits my personality. its like a perscription for me, an antideppressant if you will. its just so me. its just what i need. its what i am, it opens up the mind and allows people to sit and talk about eveyrthing on their minds. its rips away all that is inhibiting someone from doing somethign theyve always wanted to. its removes all doubts. its just so me. and im so glad i found it.

well i get to see ryan today :) yayyyyyy were gonna go to the mall, i miss him bunches but im glad that today i finally get to see him again! well i gotta go make myself pretty :)

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 19 February :: 9.53 am
:: Music: the end of the world x skeeter davis

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 17 February :: 7.53 am

I was young and jaded, I listened to all those around me. Never asking questions but just letting all of the information and new experiences to sink into my skin. The views, the beliefs, I let it all sway my own opinions. And never asked my own questions, I just took it all in without asking why or how. Because if these words came from my mothers lips, silver plated words they were. She was a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, and my father was a very down right straight to the point person. My sister and I would constantly fight for attention. Without taking the time to bond with my older sister, we were never able to understand each other.

It was a spring day; I remember it all too clearly. My parents sat us down and explained what would happen. The rivers in my eyes and heart began to pour. What was I to do? Was it my fault my parents were getting a divorce? I was confused and upset and refused to speak to my mother. Because it was her who would be moving away, to Florida. I was in shock; she couldn’t leave me here with my dad - could she? I ran to my room and sat and thought not wanting to accept what I had heard as truth. After that day I tried not to think about it, and that was the last that was spoken of it. So I figured it had all brushed over, months had passed.

The heat was unbearable that day, so I came home early from my expedition around town with my friends. Summertime was coming all too soon to a hault. I unlocked the door, grabbed a drink and ran upstairs, which was my normal routine. I decided to get comfortable so I went into my room to change to find a note and a present on my bed. I opened and read the note in disbelief. It said that it hurt her to leave but it would hurt her even more to say goodbye. And with that she was gone, swallowed up by Florida’s entirety. Lured all too easily like a fish to bate.

I was slowly sucked into a whirlpool of depression. Crying all too often, and feeling lonely when surrounded by a room of smiling faces. This wasn’t me; I was a happy outgoing girl who loved everyone. But I couldn’t help but feel this distrust for everyone around me. Every time something bad would happen, or would fall out of place I felt ganged up upon. Every figure in my life became a villain became someone who was out to hurt me, became my mother. And I would fight to the death before I let another person walk out on me again. When my mother left I was just entering high school, and dealing with normal teenage problems. I needed my mother’s words to guide me.

I no longer spent my days at home with my dad, but I grew closer with my sister. We’d take drives to nowhere just to talk, because we both knew what it was like to hurt. And we both knew what it was like to lose. She helped me to realize that not everything that happens, is intentionally to hurt us and that my only chance of happiness was to open up and get out what I was feeling. With that my friends became the most important aspect of my life. They were my family, my bests friends were my confidants. I still haven’t spoken to my mother to this day, aside from emails and letters, because the pain of the memories is too hard to bear. Someday I will, I cannot hold this grudge forever. But I’ve grown since that dog day in August; I’ve grown years of wisdom. Ive acquired a new respect for myself, and learned to survive on my own.

I began to use writing as my voice, if I couldn’t say what I wanted to, I could write it. If I didn’t do anything else, I had to get out all of my emotions, and soon my flow of thoughts turned into poetry and descriptions of raining skies, and destructive storms. I was full of inspiration, funneled from pain. The idea of forgiveness bounced around my mind, wanting to roll off my tongue. I was becoming a young woman, never swayed by those around me. I am a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, who’s had a bumpy road in life, but wouldn’t give it up for the world.

4 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 14 February :: 9.35 pm

i hate valentines day


why did you have to come back when things just began to work out..

just so you know..
this is how its gonna be
hell always be with me..
your just a memory
the times theyre changing quickly
and the photographs
are leaving you behind..
nevermind..
just go away..
we dont need you anyway..
dont take no pictures..
dont get so settled
you signed your one year contact
you signed your life away
to the devil to the sin..
when will it begin
theres a symbol in the sun
there aint no place to run
your the toxins in my veins
your presence out of place,
out of time is what you are
things look clearer from afar..
dont want proof of where youve been
just wish that youd erase your tracks
dont think about the past..
because you cannot turn back.
but please just go away
he doesnt want you anyway
dont you take no pictures..
dont begin to settle in..
things have changed for the better
and its gonna last forever..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 13 February :: 4.02 pm

so.. ive been thinking and i dont know what i should think.. i dont knwo where there is to be discussed to be rejected to be learned i dont know at all im just living.. living day to day.. for once in my life ive started to live impulsively and suprisingly i feel great.. i mean i obviously make some mistakes as everybody does.. but these things that i do make me happy..physically im satisfied.. i mean i feel good in the presence of my friends.. things maybe are starting to sort out

i mean i dont want to jinks my relaxing stressfree period of time but im sorta happy..

hum.. well i miss kaitlin alot.. i only get to talk to her online but at least its something.. im gonna start drivers ed soon - so i can get all my classroom hours done before i need to get my permit and ill have it faster! my birthdays in 2 months and im going to my competition in a month :-[ im so afraid

ahhh..

well i gotta get back to cleaning..

- amanda

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 11 February :: 3.43 pm

Jane says
'I've never been in love - no'
She don't know what it is
She only knows if someone wants her

'I only want 'em if they want me,...'
'I only know they want me...'

Jane says...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 9 February :: 10.40 pm

Baby, I like it when it feels this good
You always seem to make me smile
Can't nobody do what you do
When you love me just a little while

I, I know you got somewhere to go
And I got somewhere to be right now
I'll make 'em wait all day long
If you wanna get a little wild

I dont want to be a distraction to you
No no no
So maybe I'll just lay around
Play by myself
While touching on my favorite fruit
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Can't stop thinking bout the things we do
And how it feels making love to you
I'm ready to get it baby
If you got it do it then shout
Just love me for a little while

I wanna make it like a dream for you
Turn every fantasy into the truth
You know I'll take it anywhere
That you wanna go right now
Just to love ya for a little while

I, I like sleeping in your clothes
To smell you makes it all come down
When I think about me and you
Sometimes I get a little loud

Baby, I know we did it all night long
And I didn't wanna burn you out
Cause you know how much I like to do it
In the morning it's another round

I don't know if you have other things to do
No no no
So maybe I'll just lay around
Play by myself
While touching on my favorite fruit
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Can't stop thinking bout the things we do
And how it feels making love to you
I'm ready to get it baby
If you got it do it then shout
Just love me for a little while

I wanna make it like a dream for you
And turn every fantasy into the truth
You know I'll take it anywhere
That you wanna go right now
Just love ya for a little while

My passion flows like a river that has no end
I wanna know everything you'll let me do to you
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

tell me what you like baby
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Do you wanna play with my strawberries
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Sometimes I think about me and you
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
I can get real loud (Ooh ooh ooh ooh)



--

you stare into my eyes in such a daydream
visions of the world for you and me
i feel you touch my cool hips
ive begun to feel like im a feind

the tempurature is rising in my body
temptation pulls the threads upon my chest
ive had you plenty times before,
but i keep coming back for more
could it be for me you are the best?

smoke my love
burn me black
touch my tounge
and love me back
im ready now
to feel it all
so deep inside
dont ever turn back

asdbhsajfdjgsjgkfsg i cant think

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 9 February :: 6.33 am

"and you know that i want you.. and you know that i need you..."

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 6 February :: 10.24 am

No matter where I am, no matter what I do
I'm always coming back home to you
If only I had known what you already knew
I'm always coming back home to you



---


i look at me and i cant help but see
a little bit of you in all i am
it took a lonely road to get me here
i walked it by myself i had no fears
you broke me in, made me your own
i played it cool in the summer wind
we tempted love with truth or dares
which never turned out to be fair enough

(chorus)
because when autum came, it was our end
i was alone, once again
you took me there and back again
it took me oh so long
took me far too long to realize
i shouldnt let you run my life
but every step was all for you
id wake up early to look good for you
your the curl in my hair the hop in my step
someday youll realize, what you havent yet

baby i am still here though your walking away
i guess youll never realize
that this is all for you,
everything i do, is just to make your paradise
im lost in your eyes, im wearing my disguise
and all i can do is feel pain
this empty world, i want no part in
i will die when you walk away

(chorus)

bleed me beat me a thousand times
and youll still see me running back to you
cuz without you i wouldnt know who i am
or what i am supposped to do
you caught in your venomous kiss,
im sick and i am dying
maybe someday youll look in my eyes
and behind the lies then youll find that i.. (i love you)

(chorus)

im sorry that im not what you wanted
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry that i feel too much
im sorry that ive fallen...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 5 February :: 11.14 am

its been a while since ive updated.. not much exciting has really happened except for the fact that my baby goncha is home!!!

nothing much else to interest all of you who actually read this

comment ;-)

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 31 January :: 6.00 pm
:: Music: word up - keller williams

5 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 31 January :: 6.37 am

i went to the movies yesterday to see hide and seek it was good but there were too many loose ends that werent tied together at the end. i saw it with sarah stephy anna and lizzy :-) and then we went downtown and picked up krissy!! i miss her sooo muchhhhhhh and then we bought some goodness and went for a cruise ;-)

silver rain cascades
down my window panes
and into these eyes of mine
reflecting each cold memory
that you ripped from me
they fill my cup a half way up
until im seeing blue
head deep in thoughts of you
i dreamt a dream of you again
for the second night in a row
im spewing thoughts like the record player
blasting right next door
the mumbling words still wrap me up
so tight in thoughts of you
in illusions of all you do
my focus bounces like a ball off the wall
and into the other room
into another realm of history
of you and me, into a dream
im slipping slow, through these miles of snow
blurring every move
kiss me once and take me back
reject my heart, im branded black
im lost in here, with you inside of me
sweat still drips from my finger tips
Weve only just begun
im hypnotized by the light in your eyes
distracting me
as the silver rain cascades
down my window panes
into these eyes of mine

--

again im stuck in the same trap
high off several hits of you
breath me in or let me drown
its all i ask of you
my heart grows heavier each day
as i find myself more attatched
one of these youll see that
there aint no turning back

--

im dreaming about you again
chesnut eyes reflect in mine
a vision of me and you
wont you retire your old ways
wont you lie down now right next to me
and whisper sweet nothings
like we did before
when you were in love with me
all i want is all ive ever wanted
ambitions never change
wish youd let go, give up the past
ive always wanted you just the same

just some poetry ;-)

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 28 January :: 5.58 pm

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down
And I know you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down by old street
And if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
Just like you said you leave my life, I'm better off dead

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

The drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
And like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And now I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But now I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Never coming down, Never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Never coming down, never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 28 January :: 4.03 pm

what you dont understand is i dont love dad. why would i want to do something for someone who didnt ever want to do anything for me until you left? he never knew me or wanted to know me when we were growing up. i never did anything with him. i cant just suddenly love someone. i never did love him. kaitlin just always hogged you, so i would butter up dad just so someone would love me. and thats why kaitlin and i always fought. we fought for your attention. and when you left we both felt the same hurt. dads not genuwine he doesnt know me. hes never known me. he was never there, you were. and thats why this is so hard for me. because im stuck in this house with a complete stranger. and i will not tell him anything because he doesnt know me, i dont trust him. i trusted you. and then you just left. dad is self centered and complains all the time who the hell wants to do anything for someone who always complains at how the jobs done or when i tell him i got a 85 on my mid term rather than saying "great job" says "oh i was hoping youd get an a" what kind of parent says that? makes me feel not good enough i didnt do a good enough job for him. things like that make you not wanna try anymore. and yes i remember not speaking to you. when you tried to talk to us you told me that you were moving to florida for a couple months i didnt even know you and dad were getting a divorce. i figured youd be home again. and you never came. i didnt speak to you because i couldnt. because it hurt me to much. it made me angry i wasnt important enough to stay here for. i guess it is my fault you left. if i had been a better daughter, if i had told you i cared about you would you be here? you say come move down here, but i cant do that. i cant give up my friends. why cant you move here? my cant mel move with you if he means that much to you. if he loves you that much. dont you think hed do it for you. for me? i cant handle this much pain. and im sorry if i sound like im whining and complaining but this is how i feel. and i cant call you and tell you how i feel with dad on the fone cuz i dont want him to know. i dont like him hes not a good person. he doesnt like anything i do. he doesnt respect music, writing anything. hes a shallow minded person and i cant connect to someone like that.

i dont know what else to do or say.. i just dont wanna cry anymore...

the only reason i can write the way i do, is because i have so much pain i need to express...if it werent for writing i wouldnt be alive. i would have been in the hospital just like kaitlin. there wasnt a day that i didnt think about ending it all because the pain and deciet was all too much to handle. the relationship isnt all about money either, its just that dad really doesnt give me any money he bitches and moans when i ask for lunch money. i would appreciate it if you did send me money for lunch.. im sorry im such a weak person, and im sorry i cant handle this and im sorry im not the daughter you wanted to have. im sorry im not kaitlin who can hide her pain when she talks to you. i cant do that. i cant be anything else then what i am. and i cant help that i dont trust anyone with my emotions anymore.

i cant write anymore because i just keep crying and its friday i shouldnt be crying.

- amanda

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 26 January :: 11.35 pm

im not having a great day..

well i trudged through the snow with lizzy and pat to jimmis and hung out with them and dana and got happy

but now here i sit in the worst mood ever

i dont want to talk to anyone i feel like everyone is fake that everyone is oing to lie to me

i dont know what my problem is
and i dont know what to do

somebody really likes me.. and i like them i just dont know if im ready for something that requires so much expected from me

im crazy...

Well, I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it,
and I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you,
but in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
underneath the guise of a smile.
Gradually, I'm dying inside.

Friends ask me how I feel,
and I lie convincingly,
'cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering,
so I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night,
and turn down all the lights,
and then I break down and cry

4 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx