I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy just because she can

Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins
I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep living this day like the next will never come

Oh help me but don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself of all these lies 'till I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose and I'm bettin' high so I'm begging you
Before it ends just tell me where to begin

--------------------------------------------------

welllll

vacation is all too soon coming to an end :( it seems as tho ive loast track of all teh days.. i havent been home half the time hehe havent had time to write or anything :(* so sad but im listening to new music.. yay! always happy when i find great quotes and things haha im such a geek...

well all this shit with "krew" vs "krew" is quickly coming to an end as well.. falling thru as quickly as it came.. but some cease to realize the immaturity of their ways...

inspiration...

the sun rises for yet another day. shining its golden rays upon each crevase of the earths surface. do you choose to be seen? to hide? living in the shadows of reality watching life unfolding like a flower. each silk pedal blooming with radiance, and cowering to blackened skies. i hear every echo..see every tear drop each translucent bead of acid rain spiriling through the skies. i am passing quickly, each picture around me blurred with speed. and colors running together, creating pure beauty. releasing madness, chaos and truth to each scene. to be seen with the naked eye, past perfection. i, half asleep now, recollect your presence. and envision your face and sweet lips upon mine. "but i wont call you baby anymore, if i need you i'll use your simple name. only kisses on the cheek from now on. and in a little while, we'll only have to wave."(love ridden 0 fiona apple) you'll pass me by with insinserity in your eyes. and once again the sun which beats so viciosly, now begins to set. and this sky darkens, in the shadows i lurk. and in a little while, we'll only have to wave...

rant*

hello

this is not amanda i say hello im writing in her jourbnal becuz shes sitting here next to me zand i decided to write in her joutrnAl becuz im random

manda is being a sapzz.... if only you had the pricvlage of seeing uit well we r gonna go shower.. together... and then were gonna gho hang with teh flaky one kelsey

we love her

p.s. HUPA FO LIFE BIOTCH

wow.. what a load of bullshit

Dear Amanda

my love and thoughts of you are with you each and everyday of your life! i may not be there "physicall" but youre in my heart and your voice is on my lips always.

i believe that someday you will find a way to forgive me and to move forward withour love as mother and very precious daughter.

love, Mom

-------------------------------------------

what a fucking load of shit..
why does she bother with stupid cards on meaningless holidays? and ehr gifts? does she think that will rectify everything she has done to me? what a fucking dumbass. as if everything will be fine.. she doesnt even see that what she did was wrong. and expects me to forgive her. how the hell can i? i never will.. im sure when the wounds have healed i may eventually talk to her.. not now and never will i forgive her. forgive her for walking out on me when i needed her most. leaving me with my dad.. with kaitlin leaving me next year i wont be able to survive. i cant take it. i cant talk to anyone and anything i see that reminds me of her makes me cry uncontrolably..she doesnt know me.. she will never know me at all. becuz i am a totally different person abusing drugs to numb my sorrow. trying to find some escape from the pain hoping that someday shell come back... but she wont.. shes never coming back and i cant handle that thought. i just like to put it in the back of my head and not think a bout her. becuz to me its still not real it still hasnt completely hit me. that shes really gone... which is also why i would never be able to visit her in florida becuz seeing that... seeing her life... seeing that shes happy there... happy living without me... happy giving up everything she had here.. ebczu she didnt have enuff love for me to stay... becuz she felt the need to leave me for someone who couldnt give a damn about me. i will never speak to that coward of a man. who can tear a mother away from their kids liek that.. showing no regard for how i feel. it takes a selfish woman like herself to leave her children at the hardest points in their life. me my first year of highschool.. going through depression.. my sister leaving for college...how the hell am i sposed to do this.. i cant do it anymore.. i just wish i could shrivle up and die...and not have to deal with all this shit

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me

------------------------------------------

Will you want me when I shift my shape
when I hold my breath
when I speak your name?

Will you want me when I’m not the same
when I’m full of shame
and my hearts to blame?

Will you feel me when I’m far away
will I fade away?
Tell me not today.

Would this apple taste as sweet as now,
maybe in a week...
stay ripe somehow?

And my heart it beats for only you,
I succumb to you,
rely on you
pacify for you.

Will you want me when the sun goes down,
when the blinds are closed
and the lights are out?

Will you want me when the news gets out,
when our graves are dug?
When the moon ascends?

Can I hold you while the rain pours down
soaking into me,
kissing me sweetly.

will you disown me if I change my name,
tell me will you claim
me when I’m not myself.

Will you need me when you’re on your own,
will you be alone?
And remember me?

Will you know me when the warmth is gone,
and the summer fades away?

will you kiss me in your memories,
when I shift my shape,
when I change my face.

Will you feel me when I’m far away
will I fade away?
Tell me not today.

-------------------------------------------

White
Oleander

Beauty in deceit.
Practice your witch craft, In tainted lies.
In the hearts you bind,
In this blood of mine..

And I am but a victim
I am helpless, in distress.
Must dispel this evil wardrobe,
Dust the past off of my dress.

Take the time to cough out past years,
Shed old tears, Salt mature wounds.
come out in the darkness,
Under the safety of the moon.

And bite my swollen vessels,
Steal life from these cold veins.
Intoxicate me with your beauty
Then send this soul away

Wake me when I’m sleeping,
Hand me a glass of milk.
With your homemade euthanasia
Turn this pale skin into silk.

Drown me in my memories,
Before sending me away.
Then come with such obscurity
In the dimness I will lay.

White oleander hold me,
Encompass all my precedent.
Let me go with laws that bind me,
Hold on to all I hold self evident.

Drink away the sadness,
With tepid milk in a glass.
Send poison through my body,
So this life can fatally pass.

Venom racing through me,
Never thought to stop the pain.
I’ll remember you, white oleander,
As you sink into my veins…

---------------------------------------

Slowing sink into me
Beneath the skin,
Penetrate.

I am nothing but an atom,
An element,
An equation waiting to be solved.

Will you play with my numbers?
Toy with my answers?
And teach me to the world.

I’m dying for containment,
I’m feeding off your beauty,
And when you take your pencil to me,
I feel the rush again.

I’m nothing but a letter,
Petty but high-strung.
And in your arms, you’ll hold me.
But I slip across your tongue.

And you try your best to hold me,
Maybe I’m just out of reach.
For I am nothing but one atom.
One particle of dust.

These eyes have seen a massacre
A fight without an end.
And I am the blood which sheds the fears
Of the officers who refuse to cry metallic tears.

Put my lines together,
Create a parallel, in life.
And fit me into the equation,
The puzzle,
In a rhyme.

Fore, I am nothing but a number,
An equation in your mind.
I’m nothing but a letter,
Petty but high-strung.
And in your arms, you’ll hold me.
But I slip across your tongue.

--------------------------------------


hehe a taste of my new style :-)

ive had a pretty interesting week...
its had some ups and downs but i guess over all it was ok

im pretty bummed about valeintes coming up. ima lways alone and it fucking sucks. hey but i guess that being alone for htis long will make it better when i finally have some1 cuz its like ive been waiting for it.. hum im such a hopeless romantic

ive been writing some new stuff lately.. and drawing leik naked ppl haha i actually think tehya re pretty good but i guess youll have to see for yourself..

keep you posted...

hummm.. weed is um.. i forget
last night was great fun...:-)
wellllll were at kelseys right? stoned off our asses, we walk downtown about 11 pm and meet up with ryan fogarty and the gang and get a ride to some kid nates house n sudbury... humm that was interesting. well we smoked our asses off there.. bong, bowl, joint yessss very fun :-) well after that we ate.. smoked some more.. watched tv.. passed out, woke up then WAKE N BAKE hell yes early bong rips :-) nothin like that to get your day started :-) and then called around trying to find rides from ppl we decide to call mr. lee ohman and timmy cole and grab a ride with them to my house.. and now im here still buzzed writing this lovely little entry :-) happy super bowl day

ehhhhh...

well i started my diet sunday... so its been... 4 days since then... humm it actually hasnt been that bad.. i just hope that i will be able to make my goal that i have set for myself.. 15 pounds by february 12th :-) well in the past 3 days ive lost 3 pounds so by going at that rate, at least a pound a day it will take me about 15 days to lose it.. so there ya go haha

well.. im actually starting to do well in school ::knocks on wood:: and im doing my homework which i dont do haha.. well at least english.. cuz i love to write :-) mrs shugrue read my story thingy out loud to the class.. i was scared i mean u know how i get when i hear my writing out loud ahh i ahte it!!

i havent really written in a while... ive decided to diet becuz i finally got pushed over the edge, ppl have made me feel so bad about myself for teh last time

so i am losing this weight, not for them. but for me. so that i can be happy with myself. so that i have confidence.. instead of me always being self conscious about how i look.

well im gonna go watch some tv and grab another diet coke with lemon :-)

- Manda

-----------------------------------------------------
today- thursday (day 5)

3 pringles, a peice of a cookie, a salad and 2 lemon diet cokes
-----------------------------------------------------

too high.. cant come down
I've been lying,
to keep you from this pain
Now your crying,
and to know that I'm to blame
And I'll miss you
But its over now

I'm so sorry,
that it had to be this way
Please don't hate me,
but there's nothing you can say
To change my mind
I've got to go away

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
it's time to back it up
Baby 'cause it's over now

Let me tell you how it was when we started off
The tattoo's and the leap years and right sound that you used to rock
Now baby everything you do and say is messed up
Things have changed, down is up we're outta luck

And Baby I'm sorry
That it had to be this way
Please don't hate me, but there's nothing you can say
To Change my mind

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

Time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now

You never put the effort in to the things that really counted
A word here, and a kiss there
Could change the way its turning out
You work so hard at all the things I never really cared about
How hands work & fingers moving, Eyes wide Shut
And baby I'm lonely
Though your right in front of me
You controlled me
Tha was the girl I used to be
gave up myself
Well its over now

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more



Why do you cry?
brought to you by Quizilla


ok so heres the deal with the lyrics n crap...

so this person walks into my life.. liek a couple weeks ago... ive seen them liek twice and we talk alot on teh fone.. i begin to get emotionally attatched... and ppl tell me taht i should end it b4 it gets serious... but ic ant and i dont knwo if thats what i want... id liek to pursue something with this.. but i dont knwo fi i am emotionally stable for some1 like him. i shoudlnt say some1 liek him.. becuz i am exactly liek him whether he wants to admit it or not. and thats why im not sure if i am able to become attatched becuz i am already weak.. and when he says things about hurting himself.. ist leik hes hurting me too...

i dont know im confusing

*it hurts me to know that this time in our lives will so soon be in teh past*


yes well ive been having a pretty odd day.. and i feel really lonely.. btu hey ive been pretty inspired lately to write soo heres some more poetry cuz im just that cool :-)

this world is full of anger
cruel intentions, silver lies
lacking what is needed
sorrowing goodbyes

and ills till stand here waiting
alone and ill be cold
these chills will comfort tears which stream
this pain never b4 told

i may just be insane
i dont knwo what i feel
but this voice that hides within me
no longer can conceal

the sky blackening above me
a storm of red and whites
just teh taste of ur skin
will get me through the night

your like a drug that paralyzes me
inaudible, unspeakable i breath you
i gotta break free from your grasps
gotta stand on my own without you

i cant get addicted
ill melt for you
i hate to speak these words
but they ring true

and the pain in my eyes
should show you all you need
maybe youll be ahppy
if off of saddness you feed

take all of me in one kiss
like a withered flower i will blossom then die
silky petals falling to the ground
i guess its last call.. i guess its goodbye

and another
------------------------------------------

the sky is darkening
and the sun hides behind clouds
you begin to undress me
lay me down
kissing evey inch of my body
i become hot and insatiable
feinding for more
i take you in, with deep breaths
like a drug you overwhelm me
in in your strong arms i am held
protected
you colide with me and i am vulnerable
so innocently you touch me
you begin toi sweat
while kissing me..
and touching me
so pefectly we fit together
and you inside me
it feels so right
liek nothing can be wrong
and when i look into your eyes
i see reflections of me
and i feel safe
lying here sweat dripping down peach skin
i am stripped of all superficial
this is me
naked
vulnerable
penetrable
take me gently

haha hope you like :-)

"pride is at the base of all mistakes"

midterms are fucking crappy

i cant stand this.. although it is refreshing to get out at 11! :-)

im not sure what to write about.. well liek teh new journal layout? hehe i enjoy it.

well... my tpoung hurts i burnt it..

im gonna go start writign my history essay!

- manda