mmph. home sweet home. homework. confusion. stress.

joy.





take the emo quiz.created by jessi

grrr. i lose my entries even when im in other states!!

funny stuff over here. go to danielles journal. im done.

<3 i miss you <3
when i come back i have to do lotsa homework plus make a new cd mix for myself. it shall include some sad songs for lost loves. here's one.

days swiftly come and go, i'm dreaming of her.
she's seeing other guys, emotions, they stir.
the sun is gone, the nights are long.
and i am left while the tears fall.

did you think that i would cry, on the phone?
do you know what it feels like, being alone?
i'll find someone new.

swing, swing, swing from the tangles of my heart
is crushed by a former love.
can you help me find a way to carry on again?

wish cast into the sky, i'm moving on.
sweet beginnings do arise, she knows i was wrong.
the notes are old, they bend, they fold.
and so do i to a new love.

how are you? i'm good. school almost over. christina is almost sane. that's good. i'm in a confused place right now. time in cali and las vegas with danielle. talks in the hotel room i am anticipating. it'll all make me feel 100 times better about the way i feel/act.

i really do not have anything to say.

need the rufio cd. maybe hoobastank. waiting for the stills. ben jelen. fly or die. plus many more.
i was over it before but you brought me back to where i began. and i'm starting again and i'll make you run to the end.

my family makes me happy. thank god for that. yesterday we went to miami for eating, shopping, driving, and more eating and driving. watching people and cars on south beach was interesting. losing my brother was a bit scary though. but it was fun. we were having our own party inside the car. we were gonna eat at joes stone crabs but. 2 and a half hour wait. plus five claws for $50. not worth it. so we went to this obscure chinese restaurant. not the best food, but the best conversations and reminiscing. my aunt and i couldnt stop laughing. we were discussing mine and andrew's risk of getting a mental disorder. yeah its pretty high. anyways. i cant wait til im old enough to go to south beach on my own. or even with my mom. my brother was gone by the time i woke up this morning. didnt get to say goodbye. sigh. back to boring life. and i couldve spent the day with my mom and aunt at an artfest and more shopping but i had to decline for homework. i dont even have that much. i guess i just feel guilty when i have too much fun.

i feel better.
EDIT
god. i regret the past few weeks so much. hurting people i loved. hurting myself emotionally. and now i have to pay at least some consequences. i would like to say "its not fair"... but the damn thing is, that it is fair. i guess it'll take time for things to be good again. my fault.


You are MARRISA'S BAD HAIR DAY.


What Quirk From THE OC Are You?
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hmm
sigh. wide range of emotions today. pain (physical and emotional), longing, desperation, indifference, tiredness, loneliness, anger, resentment. list goes on. dammit, that was like the third time i've cried in school. it's so not cool. i swear by the end of high school, the whole world will have seen me cry. *shrug*. i felt tons better after art, which is something i can always count on. i skipped lunch to keep on painting and katherine and ashley came to see me. i felt kinda like... =\ ashley was trying to find out what's wrong with me. i couldnt give her an answer. i dont know how many people have said or written "i miss you" to me. greta wrote me the most beautiful card. the looks i get now are so... i dunno. i can tell people miss me. wherever me is. what it made me want to do, is take all the notes, all the loving phrases, and synthesize them in a painting. if i have time one day. i'm just scared that it'll get worse because life/school/pressure only gets worse. i'm just not in the mood for anything anymore. i'm sure all of this may be redundant to you. shrug. i wish i had more to say. but i dont. like always.

edit
why can't he leave me alone? it's like it's impossible for him to understand where christina has gone. when he talks to me, i always feel like he's just blaming me for not getting my act together. what the fuck is that? seriously. i feel like everyone is sincere in their caring for me. and so is he, but sometimes i wish he could move on and not care about me so much. on the other side, i also can't watch him ignore me. i'm sorry that there's something wrong with me. it's completely my fault for feeling what i feel. what do you want me to do so that everything can be like how it was again?

if i build you a city, would you let me? would you tear it down?
ok. i had my daily talk with my journal. and woohu fucking lost it. thank you, once again. damn. and it was like a culmination of all my feelings today and it is gone. it's these little things that keep me crazy. let me do my best at trying to remember what i wanted to say in this entry.

i hate my body. it hates me back. i ran today. yeah. christina ran. granted, i am sooooooo outta shape, but hey at least i did something right? i'm so sick of the way i look that i'm gonna try to get to a point where running isnt so much work for me anymore. hopefully then i will be able to satisfy myself. i skipped dinner. for like the first time in my life. only did so though because of my brother's treat.

my brother is the best in the world. when i have the crappiest days, he doesn't even know when or why yet he always does his best to make me happy. he makes me laugh. he took me to taco bell today. he cares. i hope everyone has things with their siblings like that. it's a beautiful thing. my favorite (one of two) aunt is coming down tomorrow too. this weekend with family will make me pseudo-happy.

god. my body really does hate me. not just cuz the way i look, but the way i feel too. supposedly, my mom says it's just allergies acting up, but like. ugh. usually when i have allergies, i get a stuffy/runny nose and i cant breathe and all that nice stuff. but as of now (like as in this very moment), my eyes won't stop burning and itching. and it just makes me want to close my eyes and go to sleep even more. it's so mean to me. i have valued my eyes a billion times more since i had pink eye, yet my body still thinks i need to learn a lesson.

something corporate. i keep going back everytime i get into the "i wish i could run away from it all" mood. of course, that's all the time, but specifically when i feel like i just can't find myself. i wish i could just have them playing in the background of my life 24/7. i'd enjoy it a lot more.

all the time.... it just feels like i need to close my eyes and not talk. talking to people used to be something i was interested in. consoling people, being the shoulder to lean on, the ears to listen to your problem. i still am. i just know that i don't seem approachable anymore. i am sorry for that. i feel more alone right now than ever. i know i know i have a buncha friends and i have my long time lovers and my family. but you know how it gets that way. i just feel like the best thing to do for me is to be... alone. in all sense of the word. if i could lie on the beach listening to something corporate all day long. i would be in my own heaven on earth. if i had a car, that's where i'd be.

long enough entry. woohu is forgiven. if this isnt lost.

heh. thats nice. my mom just yelled at me again. yeah i need to get my shit together. dont you agree? (sarcastic.)

i miss everyone. i miss myself. =(

idk. crying again, for different reasons.
i dont know why but i feel like i can't talk to people anymore. all i can really talk to is this journal. i guess because i don't want to really bother people with my bitching but my journal will never mind.

i'm just crying because



sigh



yeah, christina will never be good enough.
=*(

despite how perfect i am in my peers' eyes, there's always someone at home to remind me that i'm still inferior (in more ways than one) and always will be.

let me just go into a dark corner now to be alone

the first cut
ya know. my weekend has been great minus one exception. the day after someone breaks up with you, is the day you recognize the most breakup songs. friday i cried more than i ever thought possible. because it hurts a million times more to know that it was my fault that he felt like i don't deserve him. because i don't. so i don't want anyone to be mad at him and i don't want anyone to try to console me. because the way i ignored him and the way i humiliated him every time i pushed him away... it makes sense that i can't keep hanging onto him. i should just go at life alone for a while. because ... i... i guess i'm not .. perfect. danielle saw so many tears. and my body hates me so since i cried so much, my allergies didn't stop. my eyes were burning and my nose was running. i never tell my family when i cry so they assumed i had horrible allergies causing my face to be all red. the tears ran so much that danielle couldnt catch them. there were too much. i couldn't sleep because i was drowning. and when i could sleep, it was horrible. i kept waking up. by far the worst sleep i ever had. and i woke up with swollen eyes. thank god for my family though. my brother came home last night. he makes me laugh. and we saw starsky and hutch. it's all good. today i went to tran's bday picnic. jimmy proposed. =) and i am gonna be a bridesmaid.

what else can i say?
i wish i hadn't treated him so badly.
because now i miss him more than ever.
and i hope he's happy without me.
all of our plans are gone now.

time to cry again...

i'm not a perfect person.
there's many things i wish i didn't do.
but i continue learning.
i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want you to know

i found a reason for me to change who i used to be.
a reason to start over new.
and the reason is you.

i'm sorry that i hurt you.
it's something i must live with everyday.
and all the pain i put you through.
i wish that i could take it all away.
and be the one who catches all your tears.

i'm not a perfect person.
i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me to change who i used to be.
a reason to start over new.
and the reason is you.

i think sometimes you forget where the heart is.



i'm going at it alone now.

so.
i'm just so... down. cant begin to bitch now. just dedicating a song to anyone who can relate.

i'm just so tired. won't you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams?
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place.
have a new name and face.
i just ain't the same without you in my life.

late night drives all alone in my car.
i can't help but start singing lines from all our favorite songs.
and there are melodies in the air singing life just ain't fair,
but sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone.

and i'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of my year.
and if we all believe in heaven then we will make it through
one more year, down here.

feel your fire when it's cold in my heart.
and things sorta start reminding me of my last night with you.
i only need one more day. just one more chance to say,
i wish that i had gone up with you too.

you won't be coming back. and i didn't get to say goodbye.
i really wish i got to say goodbye.

well i'm on fire. and the day is feeling hopeless.
god i lost my woohu entry again. this makes me pissed off like every other day. god. my computers freaking hate me. i have to restart them at least once a day.




this is how i feel... don't ask me to explain.
i'm willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch
i'm willing to bleed for days, my reds and grays
so you don't hurt so much



You're like an angel. As everyone knows, angels
dwell in heaven. They were desribed as shining
ones wearing white and the idea that they have
wings is believed as well. Guardian angels are
the ones that many people think are dead loved
ones who try to protect the living friends or
family they have on Earth. They usually had
blonde hair and maybe brown with flawless
appearance and sweet dispositions. They were
cheerful, hopefull, selfless, loving, and kind.
Angels are the one mystical creature that a
majority of people truly believe in. Encounters
with angels are poping up all over the world
and reassuring people's beliefs in angels.
(please rate)


What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
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You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough."


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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hmm.
my weekend. woohu lost my entry before about it. so i guess this is the newer version.

friday, i dunno why but i felt like such crap. for various reasons. i really regret acting the way i did, cuz i only made myself feel worse everytime i pushed people away. although i'm sure my murderous mood amused ashley cuz i wanted to throw some knives at people. it all culminated on the bus ride home. thank god for greta because ... she puts up with me when i bitch about my day on the bus. i just put my sweater over my head and i cried a little. shrug just felt a little trapped i guess. so i went home and took a nap and felt a little better. the rest of the night made me happier cuz i went with danielle and my mom out to dinner and then out to see dirty dancing. regardless of the annoying girls sitting behind us, i loved just sitting there and watching the movie. the entrance to the theatre was decorated with flowers and said "welcome to havana". i guess the movie embodies my fantasy movie life. going to a place you dont know, being scared, dancing, falling in love, having it all taken away but being happy that it happened. i wouldnt mind seeing it a sceond time just to lose sight of my real life again.

saturday my mom and i went shopping. yeah we had an excuse, that we had to get valerie and nicole birthday presents. we happened to slip in a few things for ourselves too. felt pretty good. then i got ready and went to valerie's house. it was interesting. i had fun in a very weird way. various things made me happy that night. well maybe not happy. but it made the evening worthwhile. dancing alone with danielle. talking to greta and wanting to cry. acting like a klepto in valerie's closet. standing in the rain. seeing how people act in a different environment. chillin in the garage with valerie and ashley after everyone else left. taking home lotsa food. wanting to be valerie's best friend again.

amongst other things.
that is always the phrase for me to use.

today i stayed home and did some homework while my parents went to ft lauderdale to see a jewelry show. i got into a bad mood again but i guess it's gone for now. sometimes all i need is to be left alone. with food and tv. but i have been rewarded with earrings from my parents. nice gesture from them. <3

will your arms still hold me?
and your eyes console me?
baby please don't turn your back...
and just pretend
that your heart still needs me,
and your soul completes me.
and we'll find a way to fall in love again.

i pray you'll be alright. lots and lots of rants
woohu just gave me massive amounts of pop-ups that made me want to kill myself.

amongst other things.
i do not know what has caused this wave of suicidal anger. me being angry is just pissing me off even more.

why do i feel like crying right now? i feel so fucking stupid. like i have everything. i have everything i want. everything. there's nothing missing in my life, there seems to be nothing wrong. i cannot pinpoint what the fuck is wrong with my personality. it's like i HAVE to get to these periods when nothing is good enough for me, not even myself. i have a beautiful, loving family. i have beautiful, loving friends. and i have someone who loves me like no one else. a couple of people do. i have straight A's. i am damn sexy. i am a saviour. i am brighter than the sun. i am perfect.

why can't i tell myself that?

i feel so dependent and independent all at the same time. like dependent in the way that i can't be happy without certain people. and independent in the way that i push people away when i dont want to talk. i just want to lie in bed and do nothing. can i do that? no. i really wonder.

i hate mr. epstein. really. like thanks buddy for confusing the shit out of me about everything. i have a freaking test tomorrow when i dont know one thing more than what i did before. wtf is that? seriously. i am here to learn, so teach me. just because i have PIB stamped on my head does not mean that i will memorize everything you say nor understand everything you explain. i have no previous experience in government. what makes you think that this comes so easily? pretty much never gotten an A on a test, but you expect me to retain all the pointless information that i couldnt understand in the first place? there is no reason to smile. the AP test is scaring the hell out of me. and it's just wrong to have him as a teacher. alright, let's skip half the chapter and have your test tomorrow to get you prepared for your AP test that's coming up. yeah right asshole.

like wtf. i feel like doing the following things:
1. running away
2. going to the beach
3. walking in the breeze
4. watch the sun rise
5. sleep all... sleep all day
6. attacking someone
7. hurting myself
8. banging my head against a wall
9. alleviate stress through art (not in school)
10. be completely happy
11. not feel sorry for my sorry self
12. follow a dream

i. have. everything. why is it not everything, though? ya know willie wonka and the chocolate factory? at the end, in the wonka-vator? willie wonka: "oh and charlie. don't forget what happened to the man that suddenly got everything he wanted.... he lived happily ever after." yeah right. in wonka land. thatd be a nice vacation. where nothing makes sense and the only point is to eat candy.

i refuse to be satisfied.
i refuse to pretend like i'm normal.
i refuse to do things unless i feel like doing them.

i just failed my govt self test. i have no idea what i am doing. =*( and i cant take it.

if only this song was my mood all the time. -
you light me up and then i fall for you.
you lay me down and then i call for you.
stumbling on reasons that are far and few.
i'd let it all come down and then some for you.
pretty baby, don't you leave me,
i have been saving smiles for you.
pretty baby, why can't you see
you're the one that i belong to.
i'll be the embrace that keeps you warm
beyond the sun that breaks the storm.
i'll be alright in a sleep sound,
as long as you keep coming round.
and not most things can last forever,
but there are lessons that you'll never learn.
just the scent of you, it makes me hurt.
so how is it you that makes me better?
can you hold me and never let go?
when you touch me, it is me that you own.
pretty baby, don't you leave me.

hey man. this quiz result is like dissing me. shrug. i DO have a social life. people dont hate me!... right?

You are the Overachiever. You work far too
hard, and probably have no social life
whatsoever. But that's ok, cuz your GPA is
ridiculously high and you can get into any
college you want. The rest of us hate you.
You probably lied to get this answer, cuz REAL
overachievers would never waste time on a
pointless internet quiz.


What Kind of IB (International Baccalaureate) Student Are You?
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You are Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
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ugh.
edit- so i just read everyones journals that i didnt get to read last night. i didnt really read most of them, cuz we all seem in the same dreading-the-future mood and yeah. plus i need to finish my essay for english. the only thing i have to say is that you don't need to read the following entry because it's a buncha crap and it doesnt deserve to be read because it's the same old shit. oh yeah. something else. i love danielle more than anyone in the whole freaking world. just gotta declare that.

so many things are making me angry inside this week. idk what it is. ya know what i realized today though? something that REALLY pisses me off. i've known this before, but i've never known how bad i can feel because of it. what is it? it's... not understanding something. not learning. i had that in like 3 of my classes today. it's like... when i'm not able to comprehend something within 10 minutes, i feel like killing myself cuz i'm wasting time. government? that class brings me down so much. my inner morale and my self esteem for school just goes down the drain. him talking, the words going in one ear and out the other. it pisses me off and makes me angry (yes a lot at epstein) at myself. and i hate that feeling. like i can't stand myself. i guess it's cuz i've grown up being constantly praised and expected to do well, so when i dont do well, i just can't understand why. because it's not like i don't listen. and it's not like i dont WANT to learn, but those little rough spots when i dont get things in an instant, i feel like crap. do you think this is twisted? i think it is. art sometimes is even frustrating. and that's 100 times more wrong because it's my outlet and sometimes even that pisses me off because i can't seem to do something right. grrrrrrrrrrrr. i just wanna go away to california already. and have my fun time with my love. but i cant. i look at other people and wonder how they do it all and why i can't be like that. i know i know i'm great, i'm super and whatever, but the fact is, i can always be better. and i hate it. there's no reaching my goal, cuz i can always reach higher. but what if i never reach it? =( sigh. well that was my little rant for the day. probably gonna last for a while. i'm alright and happy but whenever i seem tired or out of it, i'm usually thinking about school. worrying, more like it. it dominates my thoughts over all else. ALL else. is that wrong?