Life In Yasmania

Life In Yasmania

:: 2004 16 October :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
:: Music: the soothing sounds of the dryer

can i just give up?
Recently, everything's been frustrating to the point where i just want to give up. The easiest would be Chuck E. Cheese. It takes more time than i have and im not planning on going anywhere near food service when im older, hence the pointlessness.

I also want to submit to jen. i hate being swept around but she wont see my side (which is not to spend more time with me than mushroom) and i feel like ive lost her already, which, i guess is good. i t wont be as hard when she leaves for college and i get stuck at CLC.

Neil would be the hardest. It'd be easier to get over rather than a sort of withering away. It seems like hed rather just get on with his life there rather than worry about my critisisims and hesistations. he wouldnt have to hold himself back on anything for me. yet i love him so much. i actually feel like he cares for me as much as i do him, all the while feeling as if he cant wait to get rid of me. i suppose even a tree grows attached to moss that decays it.

1 smart person | any ideas?

mudpiegrl

:: 2004 16 October :: 12.32am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: volume one on the tv

oh, how horrible this hallmark holiday!
Today i took mushroom and campy to get sweetest day gifts for their girls. Not only are the two incredibly innovative, they are just plain cute. watching them ponder everything from the simple, generic yet romantic gifts to ironing the creases out of original ideas that would make any girl feel special and still make her laugh.

Hopefully ryan isnt an idiot and remembers the day. patrice deserves so much. Oh damn it! i have chocolate on my shirt...grr!

today really wasnt that great of a day. again, i dont feel that well, but i got through the day. I just wanted to go home and lose myself in the sims and the new downloads from yesterday...and campy and mushroom wanted to do stuff...cuz they were bored. We decided to eat but my gas light went on so i wnet home for the card. not there...i called my dad so that he could meet me at the gas station (halfway between our current locations). got gas; forgot gas cap. went to jewel. no details. jen might read. no present yet. the basic back and forth for money was frustrating. jealously...holy jealousy.

am lucky to get neil to stay on the phone with me for twenty minutes, never mind spend four hours on a project just to make me smile. come to think of it, ive only recieved cards on holidays nad birthdays....stuffed animal on christmas and birthday...poster and book...also holidays. oh and fucking flowers for dances, which after twice i told him to stop: they just die. Why cant anything be just because. im not asking for three hundred dollar stuff here.i dont know. the most creative thing hes done was just recently. he recorded "i miss you" on my voicemail played by his guitar.

odd that someone who misses me would take his video games and football games over his girlfriend on the other end of the phone or in the hotel down the street.

so theres this part of me that says, "break up. whats the point?"

Pro: sweet wehn i actually see him
Con:It's rare. two weeks turned into a month, which will soon be more.

Pro: someone ive built a relationship with who i feel actually cares for me in return.
Con:i wonder if he cares as much as i think...or am i trying to convince myself. what proof do i have?

Pro: there is none to this.
Con:video games, friends, football games more important.

Pro: says "i miss you" and "i love you"
Con:has also said "i cant miss you"

Pro: i wonder, is he also trying to convince himself that its not that bad, distracting himself?
Con:why cant he just show me he cares!?

Pro: cried before he left.
Con:for family, friends? most likely not jsut me.

to breaking up:

Pro: it'd be a hell of a lot easier to deal with. i'd get over him quicker. otherwise he's slowly ripped away...like a bandaid...less painful the faster.
Con:oh my god it makes me cry to think about it.

so my conclusion=none.

i dont know im lost and i wish someone would help me.

but then i just sound like im complaining. and who's going to listen? jen is having too many issues with mushroom to care. patrice is going to be too stressed with dracula by time i get to her and i dont even know hwo to explain it. sandy's good but i always feel bad cuz i get the answer "i wouldnt really know". Q just depresses me when i try to ask him a question like that. jill sort of forgets i asked a question and continues talking/thinking about whatever preceeded the question.

oh i love being lonely.

im just going to go play sims now

after i walk the dogs

they're the coolest people.

1 smart person | any ideas?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2004 13 October :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: good

Today...was today. Pretty good. Wow did i say that? I used the word good to describe my day...whoa :-).

Lunch was cool...but strange because i had to spend it with people i dont usually talk to. I had to be there for NHS and yeah... the people are nice...but like i said i dont really talk to them...maybe i should start. This years the year to just be friends with like everyone.

I'm eating way too much fast food...i'm going to give it up this new year i think...and get soda back...maybe if i still like it.

Senior pictures are fun...but people can be jerks about them.
"You look really good! I'm impressed! Crap...didnt mean it that way. I'm bad with words..." (that was funny though) then i got this:
"Wow!!! You should look like that everyday!"
Ouch... I told my mom that and she goes:
"See! You really should try to look good each day and wear cute clothes instead of the crap you wear..."
thanks mom -.- damn it. Everyone else found that comment as mean as i did then my mom has to go and back that comment up. Arg. Am i really that ugly?

Man windows media player is playing crappy music right now...its picking all the wrong songs.

I have to babysit soon for a camper and her sister. Yeah money!

I woke up at 6 this morning....maybe thats the key to having a good day...waking up early and taking some time to get ready instead of doing it in 10 minutes...
A ton of people asked me if i got my hair cut...i just had it down because i had time to leave it down. That sounds weird...but i did... i had time to straighten it and crap.

In psychology today we were asked to say who we thought we were. Thats a hard question to answer...let me tell you.
If anyone cares to respond, tell me who you think you are. I want to read it!
I said "I am me. I like to think i think deeper than people think i do. I like being with people, not alone. And i hate being home because then i become lazy and I am on the internet for ever...worst form of communication...well other than text messaging i guess. I'm organized through disorganization. " After that i was kind of lost. Its really hard to figure out who you are. I constantly have moments where i ask myself "Who the hell am i?" Ever have that? Where you feel like you are just a complete stranger to yourself? Its really strange.
Well thats it. I have to get ready to go.
Bye!
Have a nice night.

~Jackie

2 smart personsmart people | any ideas?

mudpiegrl

:: 2004 11 October :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: accomplished

i smell clean.

after a weekend of hell-like painting (or painting like hell),i can finally relax

oh and another good thing is that this is never read so i dont have to put it private.

and sweetest day is the sixteenth.

im gonna go buy neil a card.

i hope jen continued exercising while i was gone. i couldnt wake her up; i could hardly get up.

i miss neil...

good news: incubus is in november and i get to go down to see him!

bad news: that's over a month away. and he's not coming to see dracula. :(

my face itches...im gonna go find lotion and buy a card and hopefully get ahold of jen. i wrote her a letter and i want to know what she thinks. ill post it in here.

later

2 smart personsmart people | any ideas?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2004 11 October :: 7.52pm

Kinda goes with the last entryish
"BACK 2 GOOD"
It's nothing, it's so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don't go there cuz I don't want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

This don't mean that, you own me
This ain't no good, in fact it's phony as hell
But things worked out just like you wanted too
If you see me out you don't know me
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room
To figure out just what I'm going to do

And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like
They do
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like
They do
But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking 'bout
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep this under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it's over now, and I don't know how, guess it's over now
There's no getting back to good

~Matchbox20

any ideas?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2004 11 October :: 5.41pm

Wow.....everyone in Curry's Class...read chapters 90 and 91....they are nuts... whoa.....

So i had really weird dreams last night... there was something about going to another planet and when we got out of our spaceship (patrice and i) we were greeted by giant bunnys and one of them saw the giant sword i had and freaked out and was like "Kill them they have weapons!" So i took the sword and hid it behind my back and was like "No we don't" And the bunny was like "Ok Nevermind" Thats all i remember from that part of the dream though...darn.
The other part, I was wearing a band sweatshirt and had a trumpet in my hand. Stunkel and i decided to try and sneak in to the game with the band because they had good seats. The football feild was being redone so it was in a giant hole and the bleachers were really high up and confusing. Well Sutnkel and i walked in with the band, Sundell was standing right next to Stunkel who was holding a trombone. Then he walked past Stunkel and he saw me so all i did was smile hoping he wouldnt kick me out...but he did. So i had to try and find a new seat. I wanted a front seat but the only way to get down there was if you had a wheel chair. It had a weird wheel chair lift and my grandma (Who died last year) went past me, waved, and went down it. So i headed back to the band room and decided to join best buddies with Corey. So i joined that and it was fun and i liked helping everyone. So then at the next game we walked over to the feild but the whole group got ahead of me. So when i got there, they were down at the front...and i couldnt figure out how to get down there...so i left. Yeah it was weird...and i wont say who was in best buddies cuz that was weird too...
Then i had a part where Patrice and i went and recreated memories i guess...the ones we werent at...like vermonster...so we recreated that and i took pictures of it all.
The night before that I had another memory dream only this time i was doing a commentary on my memories to someone else... Yeah and i just kept saying what i was thinking at each moment with that person but they never said anything back. That was odd.

The other night, at 1 in the morning, i took every single stuffed animal out of my room and threw it into the den. It was really strange and i wasnt in the best mood...definitely not. They are all on the floor next to me right now...
I still dont understand why i did it...and why it made me feel even worse. I mean i guess i understand why it made me feel worse...ive always had stuffed animals in my room...and to have all of them gone all of sudden...all of them mean something...all of them have been given to me by some one. And the ones i have on my bed...theres 5 of them, a duck that sits in the corner then 4 more, 2 on either side of me. Its just weird because stuffed animals are like a comfort thing...you have them there and you cry to them about anything-stupid guys or your stupid family or your stupid friends... they know about any event your life and they dont say a word...they are just there and they can actually make you feel better sometimes.
I told a total of 2 people what happened that night...i don't know why, i don't feel like i should have... it was a horrible night and ive never felt more alone i guess...so maybe i decided to make that worse and throw all of my stuffed animals out of the room? I dont know. I didnt have a phone either...it was taken away...but even if i did...who the hell would i call? I mean come on! I realized that too during that night though... so i felt even more alone. Blah.
I want to be little again.
I want to be in grade school making stupid little art projects. I
I want to play with beanie babies and pokemon cards lol
And obsess over Spice Girls and Hanson...(I dont obsess over Hanson anymore...shut up lol)
I hate college
I hate family problems
I hate failing friendships
I hate feeling alone...
I hate crying

Help.

1 smart person | any ideas?

Toki	:: 2004 11 October :: 1.03am :: Mood: crappy ....................... 4 smart personsmart people \| any ideas?

mudpiegrl

:: 2004 11 October :: 12.09am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Disturbed- "Believe"

i might die if i see more gray.

there is too much gray in steel "ironworks" for ragtime.

i shall murder it.

i made this font gray but i wont look at it after i write it cuz i have to fix my resume.

no one told me that we were done and could go home so i was la de daing (cleaning brushes) and christine walks up. i guess ti was time to go. yea.

oh. goli pisses me off. she probably doesnt read this, no one does, but if she does then she can know.

i hate when people lie to you by saying that you are one of their good friends and that...and complain wehn you dont invite them to things even though you dont consider them "good friends". they are just those people who you say hi to in the halls, know a few things about, and could talk to for a few hours if need be.

i dont mind that she does that; whatever. but then, we get to allstate and now she just ignores me entirely. which, by itself, doesnt bother me at all. its the combination.

thats all now.

g'night...fixing resume now!

1 smart person | any ideas?

Toki

:: 2004 10 October :: 1.58am

Tonight was awesome.

I met Howard Shore. I shook Howard Shore's hand.

Maybe some of his talent transferred to me in that hand shake. Hm.

The concert was awesome. They played The Breaking Of The Fellowship and Riders Of Rohan. And Into The West. So good times with that one.

I also got the crazy german conductor's autograph too. He was funny. He spelled my name wrong, then felt bad and fixed it. Ah haha. Funny Germans.

Ok. Good night people.

I don't know how I managed to work almost every day in the summer. I worked last night and now the last thing I want to do is go in for a second time this weekend. Maybe I just hate opening. Well, I know I hate opening. Crappy opening. -.-.

-Patrice

any ideas?

Toki	:: 2004 7 October :: 12.51am Shit. Crap. Fuck. I don't do good with staying up late. I need to sleep. I'll finish my paper in the morning. Screw it all. any ideas?

goose

:: 2004 6 October :: 10.06pm

if you could group all the people in the world into 2 groups which 2 groups would you put them into? excluding political groups and relijious groups and the obvious male and female...

2 smart personsmart people | any ideas?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2004 5 October :: 12.39am

Speechless
I don't know what to say. Do I have to talk?

1 smart person | any ideas?

Toki	:: 2004 3 October :: 11.21pm :: Mood: okay I do not want a friend who smiles when I smile, who weeps when I weep, for my shadow in the pool can do better than that. any ideas?

sweetyas

:: 2004 3 October :: 7.51am
:: Mood: nervous

My grandma just went to the hospital!!!

1 smart person | any ideas?

Toki

:: 2004 30 September :: 12.47am
:: Mood: pissed off

It isn't too hard to do, in theory. Why is it so difficult then?

I'm dissappointed in myself, honestly. Truly dissappointed and pissed off at no one else but myself.

Why am I such an idiot?

Eeeeerrrg.

Forgive me for the lack of update-age followed by a few rather negative entries. It's like...a dam kind of. Everything all blocked up. And yeah. The damn dam is breaking. I'm dying. Expect some angst here. Wooopie. I'll be ok in person though. People don't like angsty people. You're always "mad at this person" or whatever. You know? Assumptions suck. That's my deep thought of the day.

I don't know.

Find me a way to clear my head for a few hours, and I'll be a happy person. Maybe.

-Me.

any ideas?