Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person.

:: 2005 18 February :: 2.03am
:: Music: Supertramp - breakfast in america

no, i don't expect you guys to be reading all these. but kudos if you are, i guess.
part of me really wants to talk about the fact that i could have left her when she was cheating on me with gabe. and ryan. but no, i caved. i felt forgiveness, compassion, love. and i stand by that decision, even still. however, i feel slightly betrayed by the blind faith that decision required.

part of me wants to say how rediculous this is, that she leaves me because i'm not giving her enough attention, and she's probably more attracted to ryan gravelle now. not that she's ever had the hots for me. but i'm cute, and i milk it, so there.

part of me wants to say the whole thing was fucking retarded from the beginning, and that i was too blinded by infatuation to see it.

but i know that's not true. at least, not some of it.

i want to hurt her back. i want it to be fair. i want to fill this gap inside me. i want to just be friends. i want to have my love reciprocated. i want to crawl in a hole and not feel this anymore.

needless to say, bad shit happens when i get what i want. and - if you believe this sort of thing - whatever god wants will happen whether i like it or not, so there.

i really have to lighten up. let shit go.

thanks a lot! i was supposed to film bob tomorrow, not spill my guts which you were so willing to rend and maim, only to have them shabbily patched back up until the time comes for them to be spat out again.

i know when i read this later i'll be pissed at myself for sounding like such a fucking martyr. i have food. i'm tepid. i'm dry. i'm going to bed. i get to sleep in tomorrow. i'll take a shower when i get up. i have my mom's sympathy (a rare and precious commodity). plus, now i have this really cool nickname; torso boy! so what am i complaining about?

i needed to get that out. and then laugh at it. now i can go to sleep.

thank you god, for letting me have laughter. it keeps me sane. or INsane, depending on your perspective. either way, i like it.

goodnight.

:: 2005 18 February :: 1.26am
:: Mood: strange
:: Music: DMB - busted stuff

i just finished Dead Poets Society.

that was really good. kinda morbid ending. leaves you feeling kinda ick. i felt rather punk to begin with. of course i've been keeping you all painfully aware of that. so i'll spare you any additional exhortations.

And now for something completely different ...

so far i have 3.16 GB of music on my hard drive. i'm less than halfway through. i guess that's what i get for copying at 160 Kbps.

... and the hours keep on rolling by. the days drag on forever, turning to a boundless bundle of placid recollection, only to remember that you would have done something different if you could go back. the morrow's morn bodes just as bleak as those of the past, yet hope lurks just beyond the field of perception. somewhere on that elusive horizon a glimmer is creeping that we must keep striving for. maybe we'll never reach it, but i must try and get closer, closer, close as i can with all of the resources at my disposal.

the joy of life is in the journey - for life is for the living, and death for the dead. but life will multiply, and death will continue to thwart us in its inevitability. it may be a cycle; to be repeated for eternity. it might actually take the form of a limitless cosine, dictating the fluctuations of a millennia of subsequent epochs. or it may be in fact a simple line, whose source cannot be undone, and whose direction with which we are charged. lateral motions evade gratification, as well as consequence. vertical motions hold all of the weight of the decision in the guidance of the projectile life, which spawns off other lives which are out of its jurisdiction, yet within its realm of influence. and eventually that line will fizzle and dissolve into an ethereal mist whose remnants are soon forgotten. the true legacy of that life-line lives on in the adjacent lives which the originator has touched and altered, positively OR negatively.

i want my alterations to be positive. for my sake, as well as the sake of those around me. for all of the ones i love. and i do love them, more than i would ever publicly disclose (at least, beyond this disclosure, whose medium doesn't do the message its full justice).
even more difficult is positively impacting the lines of those whom i may not love, or whose lines run contrary to my own. however, those must be nurtured the most carefully of all, and are simultaneously the most difficult to nurture.

for what it's worth: my efforts (although plebian, ineffective, and reeking of condescention) are sincere, and benevolent. the remonstrance which i feel toward these fruitless efforts is too great to define, or if they are fruitful, the fruit which they bear is too miniscule and sour to appreciate and properly ascertain. therefore, why continue the efforts?

because they are the utmost maximum of my capacity, and the only way to further augment that capacity is to push it, to rehearse the most fruitless of efforts, until their supply becomes abundant, or at least more desirable and pleasing to the eye.

i leave you with two idle ponderings:

- how do i go about making my life extraordinary?
- what provides that quality, that supercession of the mediocre?

:: 2005 17 February :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: more weird al.

10/21/2002 - 2/16/2005
i'm not fit to talk about it yet. at least, not on here. but mom and dad have both been extremely supportive.

this could turn out to be an extremely beneficial experience. it just doesn't feel like it yet. we'll get there.

but i'm really not sure about this whole "friends" thing. i just don't see it working. i don't think it can work. therefore, i'm not going to work too hard at it.

:: 2005 17 February :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: scrumtrelescent
:: Music: Weird Al

wow.

that was weird. i don't know. lately life has just felt off. like i'm numb. like it's not really happening to me, i'm just watching someone else go through it. it leaves me with a horrible empty feeling. in fact, horrible empty feeling about sums it up in all facets of my life.

i just can't figure out what i've done so horribly wrong to do all this harm. i tried my best, didn't i? i know i did. i always do.

i guess at the end of the day, just like any other, my best wasn't good enough. and i'd like to apologize to all of you for that. i really wish it were better. just for you guys, that's all i want. i want to make it better for everyone else. i know if i do that, then i'll naturally feel better too. i don't mean pretending to be okay when i'm not, i just mean being okay when i know there's no good reason not to. all too often i'll dwell on the negative crap, and let it drag me down, when i should be using the good stuff to hold me up. nobody likes being around a miserable person, except of course for all of the other miserable people. and i'd rather not be one of them.

i just hope i did the right thing today. i guess i didn't really have a choice. it was her decision. i had already made mine. and in the end of it all, mine doesn't mean dick to the outcome, so hey. even if it wasn't the right thing, it was the best i could do, so what the fuck am i worrying about?

i'm suddenly very tired. and still cold and empty. i really think it's this house. or at least the people in it.

i really don't want to be one of them. les miserables. but they love company. and i love having food and a bed. i guess i have to figure out where my priorities are; in my stomach or in my soul.

i just feel bad.

i suppose one always does, when one ruins the life of another.

2 comments | critique me

:: 2005 16 February :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: a little better
:: Music: incubus - you will be a hot dancer

see? a couple four pints of milk, two pieces of pizza, and i'm better. not cured, but better.

maybe i'll go take a shower. or maybe i'll keep plugging away at calculus.

just pray to god i actually get something done tonight.

:: 2005 16 February :: 7.46pm
:: Music: Benton Falls - sad like winter leaves

i feel cold.

colder than i've felt in a long time. both physically and emotionally. maybe it's this basement, this computer, this room, this music. maybe it's her.

it hurts me so badly. it's just sickening, with my stomach doing flips in my throat, for no apparent reason at all. except for her. and i guess she's reason enough. but maybe not. apparently not. if i'm dogshit to her, then why am i so torn up over this? she should be dogshit too. but she isn't. she won't be - she can't. even still, i can't stop the motion picture show in my head. playing potential scenarios and ... i shudder too much at the thoughts i can't quell to bring myself to describe them. but i can't shut them off. i can't change the channel. i can't make the plot take a drastic upturn. it's stuck in a tim burton downward spiral that cannot be undone. and the voices. they narrate the movie. so, what my mind's eye doesn't use to haunt me, my mind's ear will. and does. incessantly.

sometimes the show is entertaining, imaginitive, comedic, happy.

but not now. never at these times.

and a part of me doesn't want it to end. a part of me gets trapped in the familiarity of it all, and doesn't want to venture out into that unknown, however green it may appear. i feel like Dr. Manette. i'm pacing and making shoes inside my brain, while some malicious specter assails me with a barrage of endless multimedia nightmares.

... and it always seems like when i'm trying to do calculus.

but here... maybe i'm beginning to feel better. that's the first time that's ever happened. assess the situation, and see it for what it is, not for what the motion picture show wants me to see it as. that's what i have to do.

the feelings are lies. real, but lies. c'mon spud, you can pull out of this nosedive.

i hope.

4 comments | critique me

:: 2005 16 February :: 7.16pm

The best quotes from my journal and comments
"Only the shallowness and unwillinglyness of humanity to change will be it's ugliness and sole downfall. Don't let it happen to you."

--March 19, 2004
michelle campbell

"...you do have to remember that people alway think about what others will think about what they do"

"...that's a big reason why depression is on the rise; because of people who are too superficial and need to look better than that of everyone else, so they fabricate this lie of who they are, instead of who they want to be"

--March 20, 2004
bill korb

"... if it was easy, that means it didn't mean enough to you, and that it wasn't real"

--January 29, 2004
anne howland

"...People who don't know when to shut the fuck up piss me off, too. I'd really like to knock them unconscious so I don't have to hear their stupid voices anymore"

--January 23, 2004
justine gunneson

"Everyone does things they don't want to do, it's how the goddamn world works"

--December 24, 2003
mitch armstrong

:: 2005 15 February :: 10.45am

I can't figure out if this horrible mood I'm in is because she came in with her boyfriend last night, on Valentine's Day of all days, after I told both of them that i had no desire to meet him. Or maybe I'm just hungry.

Upchuck

:: 2005 15 February :: 10.41am

There is a massive right wing conspiracy to force everyone to Christianity, prevent all perverse sexual relations (including premarital), kill all homosexuals, and re-establish prohibition. This has all hinged on the fact that George W. Bush has been re-elected Presdient with 51% of the vote. All people in the middle of America are right wing, gun owning nuts who cannot think for themselves and must be degraded at every chance. This is a command for all those who would believe.

OBEY!!

- Howard Dean, DNC Chairman

:: 2005 15 February :: 9.56am

Do you buy into all of it?

Do you buy into this world and the things that are in it? Love and money. Superiority of some over others. Or even percieved superiority. Honesty is all but gone. Let's spare someone's feelings by not talking to them. Don't engage your mind, and everything will be okay. If I'm ignorant of what is going on around me I don't have to responsible.

WRONG!!!

You are responsible for your behavior. You are responsible for the kinds of clothes you wear. You are responsible for how you come off to other people. You are responsible for being intelligent and using that God damned brain of yours for more than just ethreal experiences caused by ingesting mind altering substances. The brain is not there for your amusement. Kindness of thought doesn't help either. I'm being a jackass, so tell me. I'm being nice tell me that too. You're attracted to me, tell me. You hate me and hope I die, tell me. Don't hold it in, don't lie, don't posture. Just tell the truth.

I guess I'm done with this damned rant.

:: 2005 14 February :: 9.21pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: some vaio bullshit

computer stuff

this is really starting to piss me off.

linksys is such bullshit. i really think bruce fucked something up again. it's just a waste of time for this archaic piece of junk anyway.

might as well just wait until i can get something with XP, then not have to worry about it. whatever.

i've tried installing it three times. three times "Installation failed! Required data not found or Hard disk space not enough."
i know this computer has well over fifteen gigs of hard disk space left.

so, if this little network adapter needs 20 gigabytes of memory to run, it better be able to give me a stellar blowjob and do my homework for me and walk the dogs, and feed the fish and change the oil.

which, i know, is not the case. therefore, it still can't find the required information. i fixed the internet deal (PROPS TEH FIL HIMSELF!). maybe there's more that needs fixing. i don't know. there are a whole bunch of drivers that aren't installed since the whole revamp dealie. i'm really at a loss here. i blame bruce for getting in over his head in computer programming. then again, it's one of the best ways to learn quickly.

well, i'm ready to call it a night, so i'll just drag somebody's sorry ass over here tomorrow to fix it for me. probably phil or david.

hopefully all the soda and milk you can drink will be leverage enough.
and whatever other edibles we have in the house. which is intermittent, at best.

oh well. i'm calling it a night.

sleep well my kiddies.

:: 2005 13 February :: 7.09pm
:: Music: "Wild West Show" Big and Rich

Well just as a bit of luck, this is my 200th entry. Not that any of you care too much.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego, There's never a winner of the quick draw." - Big and Rich

Something that someone could spend so long on, focus so much of their energy on. I don't want to be caught up in the competition. I don't want to be compared. I hate it so much. I am my own unique person, just as everyone else is. There is nothing to compare myself too, or rather there shouldn't be. I shouldn't be judged in comparison to someone else, I should be judged on my own abilities, my own attributes.

Today was hard. Much of it is the fact that I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I keep telling myself that this cycle I'm stuck in is going to change soon, but i know it's not. Not at least until I do something drastic.

Brianna, I'm sorry I didn't call you this weekend. First, I was just too tired. Which kills me because I don't have time to spend with anyone, especially when it would be nice to spend time with someone so removed from my reality. Second, I acidentally exited the convo that we were having and lost your number. Please send me an email, I'm sorry.

Now, I really can't tell if these tears I'm feeling coming on, that I've felt coming on for about the last six hours are because of exhaustion, stress, or if I'm not really over her yet. I was cool. I was good. But then we just act like everything is okay. I act like everything is okay when it's not. A lot of my anger toward her is gone, but not all of it. I think she knew today that my bad mood was more than me just being tired. Or maybe she didn't. I don't know what I want from her anymore. I'd like an apology. I'd like an acknowledgement that she hurt me. I'd like an acknowledgement that she still cares about me. I'd like an acknowledgement that what we had was special. But I'm not going to get that, so these tears are completely in vain. And it pisses me off that her boyfriend thinks that she's cheating on him with me. I don't know waht to tell him. I'd like to tell him to trust her, that nothing is going on between us, which nothing is. But I can't tell him to trust her when I don't.

I guess it's time to stop bellyaching. It's time for the confident me to reemerge and say to all "I have been brought back and redeemed." It sucks taht we all have times that we are vunerable. It also sucks that other people bring out the best and the worst feelings in us.

And by the way, Happy Valentine's Day.

:: 2005 9 February :: 5.07pm

Okay, so life isn't great. Yes it is, but at times like these it may seem that way.

All I can say is wow. I can't believe something like this would actually be said. I can understand where it comes from and why it comes and from who it comes, but I guess now I am speaking in riddles. I guess I should just come out and say it. I read what Jessie had to say about my sister and what she had to say about my family. You see, this is why you don't venture out. This is why you don't make yourself a social person. Both because you leave yourself out there for judgement, and you suffer the consequences of it. I prefer sitting here in my nice comfortable shell, getting to know few people deeper, than many shallowly. That way, the judgements that are to made about me in passing by people who may dislike me are not as hurtful. Mostly because they don't know me anyway, so why the hell should I care. let the truth shine out, instead of putting up this big elaborate scheme, shrouded by clothes and hair and popularity. I never needed that. All I needed was my brain, my mouth, and the good sense to know I was smarter than a lot of people in high school without actually having to prove it (although I did avail myself of the opportunity many times, only I know the extenet to which I did not).
I guess what I mean to say is that if I am a dick, I already know. If I treat some people like crap because their stupid, I already know that too. If I rationalize things that I do, things that aren't so necessarily perfect, I know I do that. And you know what, Michelle is the same way. She's the same way as me, it's just I've had my legs cut off at the knees more. I was never in Wind Ensemble until I earned it. I even was left in Concert Band when I thought I should have been in Wind Ensemble. I've failed my share of times. And I am stronger person for that. So go ahead and attack her. She's my sister, these things that are said I already know, because they're in me, and they're things I see everyday.
But do not, ever, attack my family. That is my root. That is the basis for my entire life. Not that we don't have problems, but don't wish them on us. I won't defend my sister because she needs to take the lumps, so long as it doesn't go too far. But don't come after my family, because I would gladly sacrifice my life for this great nation, and the only thing that I hold closer to my heart in this world is my family.

3 comments | critique me

:: 2005 7 February :: 7.17pm
:: Music: bruce - good gravy, he's really out of practice.

philosophical ramblings

i'm not going out to baltimore to audition anymore. David really dissuaded me, and i saw his logic. it took me a good 24 hours to solidify the decision, but it is now official.

i'm simultaneously extremely disappointed, and entirely relieved. i was just totally stressed over this thing. and the more i think about it, the less "perfect for me" it seems to have been. i'm really interested in the recording stuff though. so, that's my next area of research. so far, it looks like the best program is actually GRCC, but that's still not too high up on my list, because i'd like to actually live on campus.

hopefully i'll have some more ideas after talking to the guys at River City.

. . . maybe this isn't my favorite rendition of "hotel california," but i do admire the valiant effort. . . .

i don't ever know, but lately i've felt more comfortable in that state of confusion, than i have in the past. i'm not sure why. i kinda fear it's religion creeping up on me. maybe i need to watch dogma or something.

well, apparently my breather is up, because bruce's has just begun.

spud	:: 2005 7 February :: 4.56pm i've decided that the Grand Rapids Public Library is awesome. why? because the acronym can be pronounced "Gerple." 3 comments \| critique me

:: 2005 4 February :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: pensieve

scroll buttons and the lappy, together at last!
yeah.

wow, i was such a social butterfly tonight. i thought for sure jake stanton's ear was going to fall off.

and he was such a good sport about it too. i like jake a lot. it's a pity Chris Kieda can be such a moron, so frequently.

oh well. i'm tired. and stuff.

time to go charge my watch ... ahem ...

6 comments | critique me

Upchuck

:: 2005 3 February :: 12.58pm

For some reason I can't seem to concentrate. Now that things are actually resolved I feel much better, but now there are so many things swirling around in my mind. It's like I'm at the top of the earth and I have to decide which direction to go in. Everything in my head is so expansize right now. It wants to understand all that is and all that was and all that is to be. I want to understand. I was told last night that I would never understand everything, so there is no point in trying. Yes, there is. There always is a point in trying to understand those things which you don't. Maybe this is all part of growing up, realizing that the things you don't understand vastly out weight the things that you do. I don't want it like that. I want to be able to understand the nature of the universe. I want to understand the nature of people. I want to understand the nature of sex. It's all just up there swirling around in this giant brew of compassion and bewilderment. Made of heart, love, wisdom, logic, politics, history, and complex things that all fit together to form this beautiful tapestry of understanding. That's why history is an art. You have to paint it. That is why politics is a science because you have to win at it. It's all aobut what life is, what we want life to be, and what life isn't. I need to make a few decisions in the next few days. Decisions that are going to have a big impact on my life right now and in the future. I wish, I really wish you could all be part of that, but you all have your own motives (I'm not talking to everyone reading this, but a few of you and also others who I know won't be reading this but that I cannot have them be a part of either) and could influence my decision. I have to make this one for myself, not because of anyone else.

:: 2005 2 February :: 10.44pm

Just thought that everyone should know ...
[edit] More than 300 comedians, comedy writers, producers and directors in the United States as well as Britain were asked to rank the 50 biggest names in comedy.

The list of 50 top comedians was compiled for the Channel 4 show The Comedians� Comedian, which aired January 1, 2005 and was hosted by Jimmy Carr. Those who contribute to the program include Mike Myers, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, Jackie Mason, Joan Rivers, Sid Ceasar, David Baddiel, Barry Cryer, Steven Wright, Bill Oddie, Eric Sykes, Harry Shearer, Greg Proops, Leslie Neilsen and Carl Reiner. The show aired at 9:00 PM and ran for 3 hours.[/edit]

The 50 top comedians are:

1. Peter Cook
2. John Cleese*
3. Woody Allen
4. Eric Morecambe
5. Groucho Marx
6. Tommy Cooper
7. Laurel and Hardy
8. Billy Connolly
9. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer
10. Richard Pryor*
11. Chris Morris
12. Tony Hancock
13. Bill Hicks
14. Peter Sellers*
15. Steve Martin*
16. Ronnie Barker
17. Steve Coogan
18. Charlie Chaplin
19. Eddie Izzard
20. Paul Merton
21. Eric Idle*
22. Peter Kay
23. Larry David
24. Rowan Atkinson*
25. Bob Hope
26. Harry Hill
27. Victoria Wood
28. Spike Milligan
29. Christopher Guest
30. Michael Palin*
31. French and Saunders
32. Eddie Murphy*
33. Bob Monkhouse
34. Rik Mayall
35. Steven Wright
36. Ken Dodd
37. Les Dawson
38. Chic Murray
39. Stephen Fry
40. Joan Rivers
41. Joyce Grenfell
42. Phil Silvers
43. Jackie Mason
44. Eric Sykes
45. Robin Williams*
46. Paul Whitehouse
47. Bill Cosby*
48. Mike Myers*
49. Ricky Gervais
50. Mel Brooks*

* denotes my personal favorites (the bias upon which they are based is solely derived from a lack of familiarity with those who were left unchecked, with the exception of joan rivers, whose voice has always rubbed me the wrong way; )

g'night, kids.

12 comments | critique me

:: 2005 2 February :: 11.40am

Does anyone have anything substantive to say? All I've been getting from girls lately is "I love you" "That's so sad" and "it works both ways." You know, for someone as smart as me, I should be able to figure out how girls work. Of course, I can't figure out how social situations occur either so I'll just sit here and be the misfit of un-understanding. Or I could just be bepuzzled.

:: 2005 1 February :: 1.58pm

Do you really want to see the extremist side of me?

I thinking of reliving my quest for the militia movement. Of course, no sane person who is considering this would be open about it. So, I have to say that I sympathize with their ideology.

I would have been very intrigued if Kerry had won the election. The reason for this is because the militia movement was quite strong during the Clinton years because they had an opponent to identify clearly. Well, with Bush in office they dorve hard to get their point across, but they knew the had their man. Then Sept. 11th hit and the goal of every good militia is to protect the homeland. That meant this rally to the president effect (granted, it's actually supposed to be rally around the flag attempt, but these militia guys are freakin' wrapped in the flag so tight it acts like a g-string on their butt) took full effect and everyone supported the prez. It was even more impressive to them that he actually stood up the UN because they have been in favor of the US withdrawing fro the UN for years. Anyway, I just wanted to study if it had a ressurgence while Kerry was in office. But I'll never get the chance and that is probably a good thing.

:: 2005 29 January :: 4.06pm

The performances are over, and here are the results:

Piccolo Duet ........ I
Flute Solo
(unaccompanied)..I
Flute Quartet........I

We got a standing ovation from the judge after our quartet, it was so cool. She loved it, and it was the best we have ever played it. I'm going to State for my solo, obviously, and I'm sure that we are also doing our duet and quartet at State. I hope they all get one's there, too. That would make me very happy.

Now that that is all done, I'm very happy, but tired. I cleaned the house when I got home, and now i'm trying to get my work schedule for next week.
Well, good bye :)
michelle

5 comments | critique me

:: 2005 28 January :: 3.35pm

You wrote:

i don't know.

i think that he has some works that reflect the darker side of things.

but it would totally detract from the message of the poem to have those two
contradictory images side by side.

either that, or i just have a huge hard-on for Keats.

yeah, it's probably the boner.

___________________________

Their reply was:

Subject: Re:

yes yes. tis the large protrusion in your pants for Keats.

____________________________

in a word; awesome.

why? because it is, dammit.

:: 2005 27 January :: 7.39pm

Rueben,

Call me tomorrow after four if you can. I miss you. :(

I really do.

:: 2005 27 January :: 7.32pm

There are so many things I want to say.....i just don't have the energy, ya know?

Sometimes I don't feel like defending myself, I just want to tell it like it is and just have people be okay with it. No explaination necessary.

Things are never going to be like that. We have to keep fighting until the end, for the things we want, the things we believe are right, the things that make us happy. Moments of peace are few and far between these days.

And solo and ensemble is two days away.

-michelle-

:: 2005 27 January :: 10.12am

So, I've given up on music and subject. I used to put it into my entries all the time, but I've just given up on it because while I'm thinking about what I want to put in there (because I'm a freak and have to fill in the boxes in order) I lose track of what I was going to say. Not that this little rant is helping me retain what exactly I was going to say in this entry anyway. Oh yeah, now I remember.

So, I don't feel like I am weak. Or should I say I don't feel like my walls are weak. What is a relationship to me? Well in a certain respect it's breaking down the walls that we put up around ourselves to hide those innermost things from each other. As if it were all out there we would be subject to ridicule and rejection by the whole world. For me, it's been my experience that I don't let my walls down until someone else has shown the willingness to do the same for me. What we keep inside those walls is another story (i.e. Sometimes I keep my faith behind those walls, which is not a good thing). Kim and I tore down those walls one brick at a time. I feel like I took mine down quite a bit faster than she did, and that she was reluctant, but let pieces go. When a couple fights, two things can happen. They can harbor resentment and add another brick to the wall, or make up and tear another section down (along with several pieces of furniture in the bedroom). It took four weeks for her to build her wall up high enough to where she could tell me what she wanted. To be the person outside of the wall again, to not let me see the one inside. And after all this, after what she did, I rebuilt my wall with lightining speed. Well, when you do things quickly, there tends to be some sloppy workmanship. The wall between us was once partially down, but now we've both done things that have strengthened it. I found a hole when I called her that morning. But she did a good job of taking the mortar and filling it. She did it without hurting any other part of the wall that is between us. Perhaps I thought that the hole could grow, as could our friendship. Once you see the other side, you can never forget it, no matter how high the wall, how thick the wall. you can only stand on your side and do a few things. Either try to tear it down from your side, which is exhausting and never works, or just let the wall be, continue walking and hope that one day you hear the person on the other side asking you to help her tear it down.

Well that certainly was depressing. I have not quite decided how to act, other than the premise that I still care, I still love. Mr. Smith asked me yesterday how I was taking things. I told him that things have been hard. And they have. The past few days have been hard. The best moods that I have been all week have been in the afternoon. When I have seen how sad Crissy has been. All I have wanted to do was to cheer her up. Before that I needed cheering. He said I was hard to read and I guess it's okay that way. I play a role sometimes. Just like I do with my family. I'm just to damned smart to believe what I believe. I can't have faith in a higher being and be logical and thoughtful at the same time. It's a dichotomy to them. I know most people consider themselves Christians, but at what point. I think it's when someone asks you what is the most important thing in your life, what is #1. All the time it should be God. That's why I would complete make an ass out myself if I was to try to date someone who didn't share my beliefs. Because they could not comprehend the fact that they will never be #1 in my life. Well this is dragging on and I am going to go watch this incredibly awesome documentary in Spanish on the Chilean military coup in 1970. I know, I'm a freak. Get over it.

:: 2005 27 January :: 12.00am

i was pulled over today for making a Civil Infraction.

who knew that driving with an expired registration was illegal?

actually, i did know that. i just didn't realize it had expired.

the best thing is, i don't have to deal with it, because everything is still under Bruce's name.

which would explain why he got the paperwork in the mail 2 mos. ago and never took care of it, rather than me.

but still, i can't drive my car with expired plates. but then again, does double jeopardy ring a bell?

i dunno.

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:: 2005 26 January :: 7.48pm

I'm all about it now. I don't want to be that sad boy in the corner and more. To quote Gretchen Wilson "I'm gonna get me some."

I'm not sure how, or where, or from who, but I will. Eventually. I think. Hopefully. Okay. That's it.

I really love you.

Yes, yes I do. I'd do just about anything for you.

Yes, you.

No, not you. You.

Got that. I'll meet you out behind the barn at midnight okay??

No, not that barn, the other barn.

Okay, I'll wear somethin' sexy for you. You know what I'm talkin' about. Yep, that's it. That's the way I like it.

Wait, why am I telling you all this. You'll be there if you're ready. Okay. That's it.

Seriously, stop reading this.

Now

I really mean it.

I still love you.

Bye.

Well, aren't you going to leave.

Fine, I'll leave first.

Ha, I was just joking.

Okay, I'm really going to leave.

_______I'm gone____________

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:: 2005 26 January :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Variations on a Korean Folk Song

Solo and ensemble in a couple of days. Blah. I just practiced for an hour. Got some things on the duet worked out, my solo, I cannot find anything else to work on for it. It just IS. My whole score is going to depend on whether I can find that THING or not. I hope I will.

We had pit practice today. That was terrible exciting, except, not really. And Jess, don't worry, you were doing great today. No one knows what they are doing, so don't worry about it, just have fun.

Saxophone solos would be the bomb, if I could play them. I think I'm going to start practicing Sax starting monday, because I don't want to practice too much before solo and ensemble. There's about two months before the musical, and I'll have it good and learned by then.

I am so multi instrumental.

I think it would help if I knew what I was doing.

After talking with Michael Monday at work, I just feel, happy. He just is that kind of person that can just make so many things better just by talking your ears off and not letting you get a word in. He's a great guy, but I like my Rueben better.

History is a bit better, educational wise, yet, I almost miss the way it use to be, just because I didn't have to do ANYTHING, and I could do all my homework.

Teacher assisting for general chem is a hoot. They did a lab today and I got to help them and mix chemicals. 12 molar HCl is not some stuff you want to get on you (it has a tendency to burn holes in your skin within a few minutes of exposure). I got to dilute that today. The fumes are nasty. Ah well, finished my AP chem lab. Our class is a lot of fun because it's so small, not to say we don't miss those who use to be there, but everything is a lot more on track now.

Tomorrow Mrs. Spinella is helping me with my solo after school. Hopefully she'll approve, and I'll be set. Friday I'm practicing after school with Dani for our piccolo duet. That has gotten laid by the wayside in recent weeks, just because the quartet and both our solos are more important, and we've agreed on that. It's just a throw away, something to warm up with, really, to get use to the judging. I bet it'll go to state.

-michelle-

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