godessalthena
|
::
2007 24 April :: 9.15pm
heartsickness is no one's friend.
i think that's why it's so hard to get rid of.
heartsickness is lonely and wishes it had friends.
5 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 23 April :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: pensive
sometimes i feel sorry for being myself.
and i want to apologize for being me.
i know that it's ridiculous, because who i am is amazing...
but i wish people could love me for me...
and not for who they thought i should be.
it's the hardest thing ever, to tell myself they don't mean it like that.
but... i know i can.
and i will.
because i was born to be happy, i just haven't gotten there yet.
1 = |
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aerii
|
::
2007 23 April :: 9.15am
"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."
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aerii
|
::
2007 22 April :: 7.20pm
ahahahaha
strawberry milkshake oreos.
sldfjsldfkjlooksldkfjlskdjf
today was a good day.
:D
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 19 April :: 9.05pm
for all to see
my brand new baby.
Read more..
6 = |
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poisonedheart
|
::
2007 17 April :: 9.31pm
I'm Jen's Bitch.
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 17 April :: 8.17am
opinions.
they make me feel like a dog.
like a stupid pet.
they don't respect me.
or my decisions.
they don't accept who i want to be.
or who i am.
and i don't really feel like they try.
my life is finally going how i want.
and they... hate that.
i don't know.
it probably isn't like that.
just that i'm not old enough to know what i'm doing.
and i never will be old enough.
i'll never be an adult.
i'll never make a good desicion.
BULLSHIT.
excuse me.
i'll call them later today.
later this morning.
i need to read.
and eat.
and try not to vomit and/or cry.
+
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aerii
|
::
2007 16 April :: 10.22am
:: Mood: silly
:: Music: dogs - page france
i really want to love him.
"and im not sure what happens
when everything here ends
but i hope its like they said
and i hope it never ends."
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 16 April :: 8.32am
BROOKE
i tried calling you like three times.
the first time i got a machine.
the second time i left a msg.
and then the third time the person who anweserd didn't know who you were...
i'm starting to think i have a wrong number.
what is it again?
2 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 15 April :: 10.26am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: boxcar racer
my life is changing.
it's changing very quickly.
but it speeds up.. and then i have to wait.
but i don't really want to wait.
and i don't want to worry about everything.
i really am happy.
it's the best feeling to know that someone loves me.
and i really, really hope it never ends.
but sometimes... i get scared...
because in the past they've all left.
and they've all broken my heart.
... even though he's already broken it once...
i get so scared that it'll happen again.
i'm afraid of putting myself out there to get hurt.
but i know that if i don't, i won't ever be able to be really truly happy.
and now i have the perfect chance and it's scaring me shitless.
and i wish i had someone to talk to.
who understood.
and knew what i was trying to say...
it's like... everything i experience it feels like i'm alone in it.
i wish i didn't always feel so alone.
1 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 13 April :: 5.19pm
:: Music: boxcar racer
life
it was my birthday yesterday.
and it was a pretty good birthday. damn good compared to last year.
and i need to talk to brooke very badly.
because... i just NEED to.
so i will call on sunday. i hope.
<3
thanks everyone for giving me a great birthday.
2 = |
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poisonedheart
|
::
2007 12 April :: 7.42pm
Take me out tonight
Where theres music and theres people
And theyre young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I havent got one
Anymore
Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and i
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please dont drop me home
Because its not my home, its their
Home, and Im welcome no more
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine
Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I dont care
I dont care, I dont care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh god, my chance has come at last
(but then a strange fear gripped me and i
Just couldnt ask)
Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I dont care
I dont care, I dont care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I havent got one, da ...
Oh, I havent got one
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine
Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
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poisonedheart
|
::
2007 11 April :: 9.27pm
You are so self-centered, the entire fucking world revolves around you.
I mean, I love you, but you need to get the fuck over yourself.
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poisonedheart
|
::
2007 11 April :: 7.53pm
"The City Has Sex"
the city has sex with itself i suppose
as the concrete collides, the scenery grows
and the lonely once bandaged lay fully exposed
having undressed their wounds for each other
and there is a boy in a basement with a four track machine
he's been strumming and screaming all night, down there
the tape hiss will cover the words that he sings
but then they say it's better to bury your sadness
in a graveyard or garden that waits for the spring to awake from its sleep
and burst into green
and i've cried and you would think i would be better for it
but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in your spine
for the rest of my life
and i've learned and you'd think i'd be something more now,
but it just goes to show it is not what you know
its what you were thinking at the time.
this feeling's familiar, i've been here before
in a kitchen this quiet i waited for a sign or just something
that might reassure me of anything close to meaning or motion
(with a reason to move)
i need something i want to be close to
and i scream, but i still don't know why i do it
because the sound never stays it just swells and decays
so what is the point?
why try to fight what is now so certain?
the truth is all that i am is a passing event that will be forgotten.
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aerii
|
::
2007 11 April :: 9.19am
i've been waiting for this moment all of my life,
but it's not quite right.
5 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 10 April :: 8.15pm
i hate not being understood.
3 = |
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aerii
|
::
2007 9 April :: 6.25am
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: anberlin
i dont want to go to school today
alkjblksjdjjosidu7u98s9
yuck
i better go do my homework.
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poisonedheart
|
::
2007 8 April :: 8.50pm
we'll never have to listen to anyone
about anything
cause it's all been done
and it's all been said
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 8 April :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: playlist: breakdown
fuck alcohol
it steals people we love
turns them into people we hate
vomit, the smell of stale friendship
spinning into oblivion.
"fun" is what they call it
but they can't remember any of it
what's the point of being in love
if you know you could never lose it?
abandon me
steal my soul
i don't need it anymore
no one to share it with anyway.
-- a chemical substance
that burns life away and smells like shit
means more to them than i do
and we all know it.
my biggest fear
the largest dog in the race
finally won -- it's taking over my life
and crushing all of my dreams.
let me out, please give me a hand
my star won't burn forever
like their cigarette promises
and their shot glass li[v]es.
fuck this feeling
fuck all these feelings
spilling down the hallway, my eyes on fire
with oceans trying to quench my spirit.
i wish i could run from this hell --
where people are fake and demons are real --
to a place where maybe i'll find a "them"
that really loves who i am.
4 = |
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poisonedheart
|
::
2007 6 April :: 9.46pm
i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
if it would just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and then you get two more to leave town.
in the event that you do adapt we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 5 April :: 10.54am
people tell me i'm beautiful...
but i can't help but have my doubts.
because my beauty feels so skin deep...
and only on part of my skin.
what is my beauty?
is it the shape of my eyes?
the fullness of my lips?
my hair? my nose?
what is it that makes me different?
or are all women beautiful?
but i do know that somehow... at least to him... i'm the most beautiful.
and that makes me happy... and makes me feel like... there is something in me that is beautiful...
what that is exactly i'm at a loss for.
i've always had this problem... i try so hard to figure out what it is that my friends see in me... what my family sees in me... but no matter how hard i try or how long i think about it... i can never come up with an answer to my question.
... and then my friends here... make me feel like shit.
i really hate how i feel here.
and i hate how i know that i am alone in this building.
sure, i have friends, but i don't ever, ever feel like they truly care about me.
i'm starting to see a pattern in almost all of my friends.
and it's discouraging.
and pathetic...
because i always set myself up for it because i'm so desperate to not be alone...
oh well.
c'est la vie....
2 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 4 April :: 11.02am
WHY CAN'T I GET A FUCKING HOLD OF ANYONE WHEN I FUCKING NEED TO??
god damnit.
i'm such a monster.
.... i feel like crying....
and stabbing my eyes out...
and singing really, really sad songs.
because i feel so bad.
and i'm so scared.
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 2 April :: 10.53pm
i wish i had my old friends.
the ones that i felt close with.
the ones who really loved me.
and not this pretend bullshit.
because i'm done pretending...
and i'm done believing in faerie tales...
i really... i just want... to feel like i belong.
or that i'm important.
i miss those days when i had a best friend.
a real best friend who knew everything about me..
and could tell what i was feeling
and would know how i would react...
and even though she didn't always think about me before she did things...
i knew that she really did love me.
i really, really, really miss my brookelynn.
i really miss the other half of me.
and i really want it back...
3 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 1 April :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: techno
time
why is it that time always makes things better? i mean, a week ago i was the most depressed i've ever been in my whole life, and now... well, i'm still depressed but not as much as a week ago. i've accepted that my dreams might not come true and even though i want it bad enough it will never work out like i want it to. i've realized in the past week that faerie tales are all lies and that dreams don't really ever come true...
and part of me is okay with that...
but another part of me is crushed, and i think she will be for a long time. i think that that part of me is what i've always wanted to be, but i stopped me from being that part of me because if i was that, this pain would be so much worse because my entire being would be crushed and not a part of it.
or maybe i'm just making shit up to make myself feel better.
either way... i feel better... and i hope that it isn't just temporary.
my birthday is soon. i don't know if i'm excited. i'm getting older which is something i don't want to happen... i really am afraid to die and be alone, without him.
i'm done writing now.
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 30 March :: 8.00am
it's spring.
and i'm lovin' it.
because me a spring...
we love eachother a whole lot.
like woah love eachother.
<3
aahhhhhh spring.
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aerii
|
::
2007 30 March :: 7.55am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: safe and sound - azure ray
ahaha
man, i don't even understand where my dreams come from.
seriously
they don't make any sense at all.
anywayyyyyyyyyyy
eli's show is tonight
and i'm hoping to go with nicole and morgan.
and i want to hang out with loren today
so he can come to.
umm....
springbreak much?
indeed.
about damn time.
+
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poisonedheart
|
::
2007 28 March :: 10.03pm
I just feel like everything's passing me by, like I'm not really here, I feel so empty.
2 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 27 March :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: depressed
is it really too much to ask to just... feel like someone loves me?
here, in this place... I feel like no one cares... and it's so big that you would think that SOMEONE would... but the only people who care are those being paid to care and that just isn't right.
and i would immerse myself in something, but everything feels so worthless and everything is ugly. and this whole place is filthy and stupid. and now it represents everything i hate and everything that makes me feel like this.
i've been feeling like this forever... and i just want these feelings to stop. i want the voice inside of me to be quiet... to leave me alone and let me be happy. i want people to believe me when i say i know what i want and i want people to know that my life isn't just made out of rain and storm clouds... i am happy sometimes, but only when there is something to be happy about...
and my life is anything but happy.
and fuck all of you who think i'm just being a melodramatic loser. because i'm not. and if you had my life you'd feel exactly the same way.
but at least i still go to school and i have a job, even though i don't want one and i don't care.
yeah.
i hate this.
2 = |
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godessalthena
|
::
2007 26 March :: 12.00pm
last night... i couldn't breathe
i seriously thought i was dying...
and now all i can do is think about how i'm still alive...
and i've been abandoned...
and that's something that i never wanted to happen...
....
i hate my life. i'm seriously disturbed now..
it's all i can do NOT to go insane...
and it's incredibly hard to do this...
...i'm so glad that i'm not completely alone...
but right now... it feels like i'm the only person in the whole wide world...
and it's a horrible feeling.
3 = |
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aerii
|
::
2007 26 March :: 8.54am
i keep having these wicked awesome dreams
and they're all stuck on the tip of my tongue
but maybe thats best.
cause who knows if you would think it was wicked awesome
you know what you should check out though?
"Wincing the Night Away"
The new Shins album.
its rad
'specially Australia.
so like,
go listen
NOW!
ps. im so happy.
and its good
and uggh....
NICOLE COMES BACK WEDNESDAY
I GO TO SEATTLE ON SUNDAY (with nicole :D)
AND DLFJKSLDFJDLSFKJ
oh yeah.
dig it?
cause i do.
3 = |
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