know how sublime a thing is :
to suffer and be strong

- longfellow

 

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:: 2004 26 June :: 1.38 pm

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow grow, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." -GW

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 26 June :: 10.59 am

sometimes u feel so lonely.
People can be so selfish, they just want everything for their own selves. And I look back and say, wow I really am alone.

In this world, there is no being generous, I try so hard to be generous but I never get anything in return. It's all leaving me empty handed. I feel so incomplete at times. Becuase people just take over me and destroy my life in such a way I wish I could control.

I feel so alone.

I've never felt so alone, but I do. I have no idea what to do about it. No idea. All I need is a helping hand and hopefully everything'll be alright. I don't know what to do. Everytime I try to run away from this problem, something pulls me back. And I think the reason I'm not being allowed to run away is because I have to face this problem face front. If I am not able to handle this myself I will just end up losing everything.

Because I need to be able to hold my head up and say

"I really can do this..this time.."

be daring

:: 2004 24 June :: 11.52 pm
:: Music: nothing compares to you- Sinead O' Connor

It's all coming to an end.
it hit me.
I'm losing everyone. Today was one of the last times, maybe the last time I'll get to see everyone together again. The people i found myself getting so close too. Are now leaving. They're going to be gone, just all gone.

I feel as if I'm losing the world because in this world it is so hard to find real people.. and now that I have foudn real people. I felt so complete. And now everyone's leaving me. The people I found myself getting so close too are now leaving and I feel so empty.

It's like we're all not going to get to spend time together, ALL of us together..ever. And I spent some of the greatest times with these people. and now they're all leaving me. And it's just all coming to an end.

I feel as if now it'll be so lonely. especially this upcoming month. Because everyone is just leaving for their own ways. On their own little summer expeditions.. everyone is just going on with their summer plans.

I wish I could just go through this last month again and all the laughs all the crazy stuff. And I wish I could just make everything back to normal again... and be able to see the same smiling faces everyday. But life moves on... and so does everyone else. While I'm left...I'm left in good old edgemont to see what else is in store for me. It just takes over me liek this surreal thing, this grief and such... and such... denial that such hapiness could ever come to and end.

an end you just can't control.

2 failures | be daring

:: 2004 24 June :: 4.13 am

it's 4am and I just had to write.
Ok, sometimes I get this weird ass feelings to write.. So I’m just going to write everything I’ve been thinking about. Though it is sorta weird.. to just get out of my bed at 4am to write this I must.

I have always been such a confined girl; I never had chances in my life really. I mean when I was sooo much younger I WAS outgoing. But then thing is that in my growing up years, I was overall the loser. I was friendless and I never had a group of friend that I could be MYSELF around. And it’s so weird; I just never could be myself. I was just overall formulated by the group of friends I hung out with. I have come across such backstabbing people, and people who just didn’t care much about me, for me, they knew me as the insecure person I was trying to be what I wasn’t. I never had my own essence, my own personality that differentiated me from everybody else. I couldn’t act as me. I could act as the person I tried to be. I tried to be the “typical normal person.” But, then I learned, there really is no normal person. A person is one way or the other. No one is NORMAL. And it’s just that I finally found that group of friends that I can act like myself with. I can be wild, I can be crazy, I can just be myself and seriously no one will mind. Because, the thing is, if some one’s a true friend they’ll accept you for the way you are. If they aren’t well then just fuck them. They’re not worth my friendship anyways. If they don’t like my personality, then why bother.

I am an overall loving person and I love everyone, I view everyone as the same. But some people you get closer to and some people you don’t. And I was just thinking of how close I got to certain people I NEVER was close to before. It’s so weird because I never really thought twice about them, and they were just people I never thought I could be a friend with. And then suddenly I’ve found true people in the people I never thought I could find true people in. And it just shocks me beyond reason. Because, it’s like I can be my own, my own self…. The real me… and I’ll know, that these friends will still be there for me. They’ll still have my back. They’ll still always love me for who I am. They don’t like me for the person I “try” to be. They like me for the person I am, and that’s what touches me the most. Because all my life I tried to be some one according how I formulated that person to like which personalities. But then I learned, people’ll like you for who you are, they don’t care about the other things…they only care if you’re true. In the end, all that shit doesn’t matter… because the people who are your friends stay your true friends and stand by you and it touches you in such a way that you never want to let go. I still haven’t gotten myself to realize how, just how, everyone can accept me for the me I am. It just doesn’t hit me. And I was just thinking about it, and how lucky I am, and how I should just grab onto such a chance and hold it forever, because it’s as hard as hell to find true people. And that’s what motivated me to get up and out of my bed at 4 am in the morning and type this whole shizzle.

and I would like to say I am gratefull...grateful for all the people in my life.

be daring

:: 2004 20 June :: 7.03 pm

word to your papa
ewwwwwwwww. I HATE studying.
well, anyways today was FATHER'S DAY! It didn't feel like it at all, but YAH. lol.

I'm bored as shit only because I don't feel like studying at ALL. And I'm trying to find any excuse not to, as you can see. I'm full as shit too...STILL, from lunch at 1.

i really really really really wanna sleep.

i NEED to sleep.

oh ayh and did i mention I'm going to sleep?

WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

be daring

:: 2004 19 June :: 9.49 pm

wow. now i really am the only woohu person.
I was the last to get one. and i will never leave u woohu!!!!!!

i love this thing... writing in it is so easy and make u feel so much better.

be daring

:: 2004 19 June :: 9.38 pm

drained from too much studying
I'm scaring myself. I'm just studying way too much; I really don't think this is healthy, I'm ruining my life! werd. wanna hear?

I went to sleep at 2am last night and then got up at 7 fucking am to jogg. I jogged 2 miles... yaaay. And then I came home and took a shower and decided to start studying. BUT as I was studying I kinda fell asleep on my book and got up an hour later wanting to have another bagel and tea. So I gobble down a baggel and tea, yum stuff yo. And then I decide to continue studying.. I studied like none other... sorta scared myself.

AND THEN I went to B&N cuz Aadil was like "i'll look like a loser studying there alone." so we study there for a bit and then his mom called him home. And i had to go home an hour or so later.. and MISSED DORINA'S GOTHIC LOOK!
I'M SOOOOO SAD... =(((

i'm gonan break out into tears now. bye.

be daring

:: 2004 17 June :: 12.26 am

another angel is born
Reva was born on June 10th at 3:02 p.m. She looks exactly like her elder sister Rhea, when she was born three years ago (See attached picture comparing the two). Besides the looks, here is what the two babies share in common:

- Both of them weighed 6 lbs and 11 oz. at the time of birth.
- Both of them were 20 inches tall at the time of their birth.
- Both of them share the sun sign of one of their parents
- Both of them we born 39 weeks from LMP

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 16 June :: 6.49 pm
:: Music: o sathi re- belly sagoo

Everytime I go to write an entry in here I hesitate. I have no idea why I just can't get myself to update. I think it may bebecause I've lost all my patience, I can't just sit down and type in here anymore with ease. It's so hard to think of things to write about. There's too much to put into words these days.

"men are but beggars that can count their words"
-Juliet in Romeo and Juliet

I have no clue how I remember that quote, it came into my mind just now as I was typing my entry. It's true though, when I have a LOT to write I don't know where to start and it's just way too overwhelming yknow.

It feels like ages ago that school ended I can barely comprehend that it was just a week ago I was taking the english final. And just a week ago I was procrastinating trying not to study for the math final. ANYTHING but that. All the days blur into one and it feels like just months ago things have happend. Like, this morning felt like it could've been a week ago. And an hour ago could've been yesterday. I think it's the heat, it just gets everyone when they least expect it and hits you so hard.

Today was nice, I love roaming around that party store and getting dressed up like a FOOOOL. I seriously looked sooo crazy, I wish I had brought my camera. And I really wanted to buy that foam visor...

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 13 June :: 9.35 pm

sometimes i wonder, why do i procrastinate so fucking much?

i dunno. maybe it's cuz i hate getting to the core of the point. No, it's not that, I love doing that, i'm one of those rediculously overanalytical losers.

but anyways, I was juts thinking of things lost and gained, and it's so weird how your preception of a person can change as you get to know them better. It can either change for the better or the worse. And i think, truly, no one changes. Just one's preception for someone changes. As you get to know a person better their flaws stick out and they bother u too a point and i'm going ot keep on ranting and i reall should stop, it's just that it's fun to write a statement and then write and this and then that and then this and then OH YAH THAT.

but i still wonder.. what could I have done. what what what what!

be daring

:: 2004 9 June :: 10.46 pm
:: Music: notice me- zetta bytes

finals week
i should study. i really should study but I can't get my damn ass up off my seat. Anyways, i was just thinking how weird life can be.. how friggen weird. It scares me in so many ways and sometimes i just wish it would be normal. Like I always get these strange ass feelings that maybe somebody's mad at me or something.. cuz the way people act sometimes gets you to think that. For Example, i just called my whole phonebook and unfortunatly everyone was too goddamn busy for me. and then I go online and nobody online seems to think I'm goos enough to IM. yah.. it hurts sometimes but yah i'm prolyl oevreacting. I can be real stupid like that sometimes.

sleep lingers over me like this surreal thing and I just wish it would leave me alone, cuz I don't want to sleep. I mean, id love to grab sleep.. it's a great thing. But, the thing is, I can't sleep unless I'm completely at peace withen myself, if I have complete sanity withen myself. And I really don't have that right now. I can't sleep unless I'm sure that everyone I care about is happy, everyone that matters is happy... and everything is just alright.

I think about the way things were at the beginning of the year and tears start to form at the corner's of my eyes. I miss everything so much, and so intensely. I profusely sometimes wish everything would be the same.. yet at the same time i'm glad the way things turned out. I was reading the letter i wrote to myself ta the begnning of the year and it seriously scared me. The feeling I felt then, and what I feel now.. It's in a way so alike yet so different. In a lot of ways things have'nt chnaged much.. I'll always be that Tina. But what shocked me so much.. is that if I had written that letter to myself just a week laterit would've been SO different. Just cuz when i wrote it I had no idea jus what was about to hit me. That was just the week before the saddest weeks of my life... and it's crazy. I was so much in denial, saying I knew so much and being like "oh yah nobody ca ntake advantage of me" but in all seriousness, you can't control that shit, u sriously can't. You can so easily fall prey to the cruelty of human.. so easily

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 7 June :: 11.09 pm
:: Music: let's get retarted- black eyed peas

bored.. word association time!
RED: luscious
FINALS: dreadful
REALITY: fake
DREAMS: don't come true
FAMILY: never around anymore
MUSIC: my get away from the maddness
BEAUTY: brains
FRIENDS: hard to find
SUMMER: sun
LOVE: unconditional
SCENT: deep red
GREEN: bean
THERAPY: moving on/ healing
VACATION: paradise
BRAD PITT: my husband
AIM: boring
PICTURES: memories
FATE: choices
FAITH: lacking
OCEAN: endless
SEX APPEAL: in need of some
WOMAN: whore
MAN: liar

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 5 June :: 8.15 pm
:: Music: time of your life- green day

just two more days.. and 9th grade is over
that's so scary, i'm not even kidding. This year flew by so fast, it doesn't feel like the last weekend before school ends at all. It didn't feel liek the last friday yesterday. I can hardly believe school is gone, it just flew by us without us even noticing. But then, when I look back and there was SO much that happend, it just happend so fast that it doesn't feel like my freshman year is ending.

This year consisted of so many ups and downs. Even more than that of 8th grade. It's sorta scary. I was talking with Mette, and it seriously is soo freaky, and so much happend this year. It seems so alien, I can hardly believe any of it actually happend! It just flew by me without me even noticing.

And, I'm just thinking, i took knowing so many people for granted, I never really realized that they're leaving next year... those people you saw everyday walking in the halls, they're not gonna be here any more. Those people you hung out with, laughed with, joked around with. They're gonan be gone next year! i seriously am going to miss them so much. It's gonna be so friggen weird.

I learned so much this past year, and matured so much. It's liek I've changed, not only physically but even mentally. Physically wise, i was looking through the year book, and everyone was liek "yah u looked so different in the beginning of the year" and on my own inside i feel so different. I've matured and changed, for the better I think, though some may happen to disagree it doesn't make a difference because theres always someone disareeing to something, always. It's just the way life is. But i feel as if I even think so differently from the way I did just at the beginning of the year. I mean, I didn't mature as much as i did from 8th grade.. that was my major changing year. That year marks my year of so many changes. and this year is just that follow up year.

My memories just flood back to me. i think of all that happend this year and it's crazy. no, beyond crazy. there was so much. september-october was just fun and just some downs. the beginning of november was extreme depression, those two weeks were terrible. then, the week after that was confusion.. cuz i didn't know what to do. the week after that was just a blur between three months. and then there was march. i matured so much in this month. the spring flew by too. everything did. i feel so differen, but in essence the same. when i look back to the person i was i can hardly believe it.

This year went by so fast, you can hardly believe that..its over. There was so much, yet not enough.From all the ups and downs..to all the crazy stuff..to all the laughs, all the tears..and all the crap. I'm going to miss everyone who's leaving this year and I welcome everyone who's coming next year.The school year is going to be so different next year..seeing such different faces in the hallways and just walking and missing the old ones.It's hitting the lowest and highest points of your life that make you appreciate everything inbetween.You grew closer to some, grew farther from some.. there's been a hella lot.And you look back and think..what happend to that?

I'm going to miss everyone next year.


"don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got
till it's gone.."

be daring

:: 2004 5 June :: 7.49 pm
:: Music: the typing of the keyboard

studying my ass off for 7 hours in b&n
i was studying for english and i was looking through my notes, and i saw this poem. I remember when mr.devito handed it to us, i didn't look at it twice, i was like "its a stupid school poem, not interesting".
but now as i read it, it just makes me cry reading it. and it makes me think of my own life, and i seriously think its the truest thing in the world. because as u mature u got through this phase when u feel alienated, and i felt like that so much at this point a month or two ago. and it was liek i was sitting there and watching the world move around me. its crazy how things go and how you can find the weirdest things relate to u.

On Turning Ten

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

--Billy Collins

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 2 June :: 12.04 am

I HATE IT SO FRIGGEN MUCH WHEN PEOPLE PLAY WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S MINDS. IT'S AS IF THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE... but themselves.

be daring

:: 2004 1 June :: 10.35 pm

i hate drama.
sometime u just try to make things better. and they just slap u back in the face. It makes u think.. what good do u get out of trying to be nice?

u know what. it takes so much for someone to hurt me, and i was doing so good. and i got hurt again. i hate it so much, i wish i could just let it go over me and i wish i could just dump it into nothingness. forever

be daring

:: 2004 31 May :: 10.50 am

sometimes i feel..
sometimes i feel so friggen coldhearted, but in someways i can never open my heart up. it is so hard for me to love, truly love, and it is even harder at time for me to trust. I used to have all the trust in the world for people.. but I soon started closing down... slowly and gradually. and now I am just this coldhearted girl that wishes she wasn't. But i just can't seem to help myself. I never am able to help myself, becuase I never find myself looking out for myself. I always worry about others..and don't get much in return. I mean I'm not blaming anyone, sometimes i don't let myself let them help me. It's like I feel, u know what "i can do this by myself, i don't need any fucking help." and i always feel like this.

i feel as if I can do everything myself.. becuase i hate recieving help. I want to do everything for myself. I want to achieve... all by myself. that's why I feel so seperated sometimes.. because I want to be my own independent person. I don't want any friggen help.

allota times, people call me weird cuz it's so hard for me to conform at times, but yknow i enjoy being "weird" in a way. I love being called random, and for some weirdass reason, i like it when someone says "man ur weird" it give me self satisfaction that I'm not like everyone else, and i like that shit like anything.

ok. now i sound superiorly weird.

but the thing is, i feel if people don't like me the way i am.. then they shouldn't even bother to pretend to liek me. you know??

i seriously am the biggest idiot ever.

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 30 May :: 8.35 pm
:: Music: dil dooba- khakee

if only... only if..
i miss everything sooo much. i just wish with all my heart that my mom would fly down here right now and just save me. save me from this torture. If she was here right now, i swear everything would be just allll right. and everything would be perfect. I want it to be like that. i miss her SOOOOO MUCH, it's not even funny. i feel like calling her up and tellng her, but I dunno-- I don't want to make her feel bad when I call her, want her to continue being happy and joyous.. yknow.

and eversingle thing makes me miss her. Ever second I'm like.. this would be so much better if my mom were here. or i would be happier... only if.
only if only if.

i hate the word "if" it implies something the way u want it to be... and it just plays with ur mind. "if i could just do this.." if leaves u with such a sense of incompleteness... and right now that's how i feel.

as if a part of me is gone. It's dissapeared in the mist. far far FAR away. yknow.

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 29 May :: 12.34 pm
:: Music: dorina's voicemessage... isn't it ironic

the year... has flown past us.
la da dee do dah.

im soo bored. i really reall really really really wanted to go to baltimore this weekend and thats ruined now, i swear it's not fair. I haven't see "preeti" in FOREVER i miss my monica masi like helllllllllllllllll. haha plus it would be so much fun.

man, i seriously wish i could've gotten to go. My broo had to RUIN everything, stupid child. haha but yah. some people can be such hypocrites.

omg. dorina cracks me up, her and her gorgeous voice. lolololol. isn't it ironic don't u think?

aha i love this girl... it sucks so much shes off woohu now =(

hahahahahahaha

im gonan die i swear.

anyways, i have so much work to do this weekend, i really should get started, and everyweekday i have to start jogging with neha at 6 in the morning. it's gonna be fun fun fun. ohh yah. lol.

it's like meeting the man of ur dreams...and then meeting his wife.

international day was fun yesterday, im sooo happy the dance FINALY worked out. took forever. but what's so sad is that this year is ending... and as this year ends I look back at it, and I think, wow. this year had so much in it. SO MUCH. one after the other after the other after the other. it consisted of my swings in personality, my swings in moods and my swings in how i looked at things. i have changed so much... so much. yet, so little, it's so weird. I look back and think at how different i was, JUST A YEAR AGO. and all i can say is wow.

that's it.

wow.

be daring

:: 2004 26 May :: 10.10 pm

dilemma
you know how everyone has a FAVORITE color or number?
i never really had one.

i just said that blue was my favorite color cuz it was the cool thing. and I said 13 was my favorite number cuz since 13 is everyone's bad luck, i said 13 would be my goodluck. But that's really retarted. I kinda liek red, cuz it sorta is liek my personality. all over the place and firey in a way. And 13 because i'm just a person who finds luck in other's bad luck?

i dunno.. it's sorta weird i know. But it always was like I never knew why I didn't have a favorite and everyone else did. it sorta bothered me cuz i was like "am i that weird..."

but in a way being weird is normal, because no one's normal. everyone has a weirdness... thus being weird in a way IS normal. haha wow thats so confusing.

Right now Aadil is teaching me "cheatign methods" so he can pass it down to me before he graduates... I'm posting them on here so I can remeber.

#1
AwarA0: spanish i once made a cheat sheet n put it in my pen cap
AwarA0: u type it up with a 8 font
AwarA0: or lower
AwarA0: until u cant read
BEbEPreshuzz: and how do u fit in the pen cap?
AwarA0: roll it up
AwarA0: roll it up against the pen and place the cap on it

#2
AwarA0: do u have the graphin calc
BEbEPreshuzz: yah
AwarA0: just add all the info u need in the calc
AwarA0: i have this program which solves quadratic equations for u
AwarA0: ill give u tht

yah thats basically it.
i dont want to go to classes on friday, but i want to.

i dont want to because i mean it's NO CLASSES!
but i want to cuz i want to show off my clothes, and i dont want to miss anythign important. ok im a dork.

i wish there were more true people in the world and less fake people.

be daring

:: 2004 25 May :: 9.55 pm
:: Music: 32 flavors- ani difranco

what i want is not in reach. and what is in reach is not what i want.
i want to write some really thoughtful and awesome entry that i can look back at and go "WOW". but i can't think of anything to write at all

this is life's curve right now.


--------------------------------------------


isn't that so fucking dull?
i NEED SOMTHING EXCITING.

hopefully international day'll add excitement. i something find myself feeling so terrible for things i do, i can be mean unintentionally sometime... but i really dont mean it. it's my own ignorance, i know im fucked up.

hold up. im thisty.. im gonna get some water.
k, back.
anyways, hmm..yah my train of thought just ran off the track, wait did i ever have a train of thought? i just had some random fucked up thoughts that were really boring.

i haven't started stidying for any of my finals and I'm gonan fail and, oh yah! for the two people reading this (mette and dorina.. and maybe someother miscellaneous person) can u PLEASE brign the final's schedule to school for me? because I lost mine, and I don't know when any of my finals are!! ahhhh.

oh yah, and I'm sitting online and no one's IMing me and this is really really really sad. i feel like a social reject. SERIOUSLY! I'm gonna sit here typign till SOMEONE IMs me and you're just gonna have to keep on hearing me ramble!

man o man o man o man

i think I'm gonna get up early tomorow and scrunch my hair and make it look all pretty!
hopefully it'll come out good.

u know what i want?
ok, this is really weird, so be prepapared to be weirded out. I want some guy to like me, but I don't want to go out with any guy, I just want to be liked by ANY guy just for the pleasure of knowing that somebody is crazy about u... and u can leave them hanging. buahahahaha. OK im evil, but you must agree, it's a nice feeling knowing someone likes u. I want somebody to like me... but i don't want to go out with anybody, you know what I'm saying. I mean, first of all, there isn't a single guy in this school I'd want to go out with, seriously. and I don't know any guys out of school. So those factors are ruled out. crapedy crap.

I'm such a spoiled brat though, I seriously need help. But what do u expect I'm an edgemonteneer. lol. Everybody here is a spoiled brat. SPOILED BRAT KINGDOM.

ok yah i'm being really pathetic. but no one has IMed me yet. everyone who i used to be close with I'm not as close with anymore, it's so sad. I have no friends. blah.

wtf. I'm tired of not being IMed I'm just gonna logg off now. This is pissing me off A LOT.

haha man i feel so retarted.

2 failures | be daring

:: 2004 23 May :: 12.10 pm

i can't think of anything to write about

3 failures | be daring

:: 2004 21 May :: 4.49 pm

i want my mommy
everything feels so weird. so strange. so alien. people who i knew so well before, or thought i knew well..... are now so different.

it scares me so much at times. i just want my old life back.

i want everything to be normal again.

i want my mommy back, i want to have the same friends i had before, i want to actually have true friends, i want people to recognize me for me...

i want people not to be fake. i want people to be what they are.

i want people to see me for me, not for the person i walk aroudn the halls as.

i want... i don't know what i want.

i just want everything to be normal. i want to get good grades, i want to have true friends, and i want... i want to smile and truly mean it.

be daring

:: 2004 18 May :: 11.30 pm

fuck. the phone bill.
can this day get any worse?

be daring

:: 2004 18 May :: 7.45 pm

why

my day started out good. and then boom splash i'm ruined.

my mom doesnt trust me.

my teachers are out to get me.

and im gonna die.

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 15 May :: 2.02 pm
:: Music: sunday morning- maroon 5

You smell like a monkey and you look like one too...
i sorta miss the days when everything was so easy... and simple.

haha check this out.. really weird stuff.
http://www.subservientchicken.com/


People are strange.

People who you used to be tight with, ditched you, and are trying to be nice again because it's the end of the year made me think that people are strange.

le sigh.


finals are comin up... and i'm stressed as fuck. it's not even funny.


"what u have lost others have gained. ur humiliations are a matter of pride with others. u are made to suffer wants, privations and humiliations not b/c it was preordained by the sins committed in your previous birth, but b/c of the overpowering tyranny and treachery of those who are above you. you have no lands b/c others have usurped them; you have no posts b/c others have monopolised them. do not believe in fate; believe in your strength."

..read it, it's so true. I strongly believe in fate, but it's true-- strength is all that gets you by.


By the way, if you see Inspiration, tell her she sucks. And then tell her I'm waiting and she's late.

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 12 May :: 8.17 pm

The world is iconic, or it is ironic.

The devil, not God, heareth the zealot’s prayer.

Judge people by the extent to which they are alive.

He is dead, who does not feel the Qur’an move in his hands.

We would change the world, did it not entertain us so.

There is justice, and there is just-us.

~Abdal-Hakim Murad

be daring

:: 2004 12 May :: 7.44 pm

let the rain wash away all the troubles
The thunder bangs outside like this surreal thing and it’s as crazy as fuck. Here I am sitting all alone in my house, the thunder is banging like no other, the rain pouring like tigers an elephants… and my electricity is out. It’s dark like that haunted mansion you never wanted to go in. Of Course, thank the lord… my laptop is working. Phew!

Thank the world of electronic devices. My laptop provides me with this to type in… and music that I can just relax too. The music gives me a sense of peace. I just wish I could find a candle to read under and that would make this day perfect.

It’s scary… but I dunno why, I love this weather. It gives me a sense of tranquility and peace… and I love it. One second it’s burning… and the next the rain is falling on you and it’s just… just beautiful.

I sit here with a bag of chips, cuz that’s the only thing I can eat that I don’t need to heat or refrigerated. Absolutely yummy… you start to appreciate things more when you realize there’s less of a choice.

I’m listening to that song “Ocean Avenue” and I wish that it really existed. I mean, I love the way things are, but I wish I could leave this town and just run forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever….to Ocean Avenue maybe? I just can’t wish to go fly faaaaaaaar away to college. I wish I could go now. I mean, I’d miss Edgemont, but I’m tired of seeing the same faces, who know all your secrets and you know theirs. You walk down the halls and no doubt you’ve seen that person before. It annoys me sometimes. I like different stuff. I like walking around and always seeing someone new. Without all the rumors and the deceiving and the DRAMA!

YAY. I just won a game of solitaire. I feel so special.

An hour later…
The rain’s stopped but my electricity is still gone…

1 failure | be daring

:: 2004 11 May :: 11.27 pm

so happy
I'M sooooo happy. My nanu got to Delhi alright meaning he's gonna get good treatment and everythings gonne be alright. My mom's gonna be leaving soon, and is gonna spend around 3 weeks there possibly. She's leaving as soon as my uncle leaves India so that they can rotate... and so my nani won't be alone taking care of my nana. I really want to see him and make sure everythings alrgiht
but it's useless wishing.
I'm sorry I can't write more... it's just that I'm pulling an All-Nighter working and I can't be disturbed right now.

Life is goin good though.
and DORINA! I'm not mad at you / avoiding you. u n d e r s t a n d?
It's just that everytime i call u they're liek "this nextel person is unreachable" and i slam the phone and say whatever losers

...sorry

M-M-ette hhaa the ride this morning... sorry for causing so much trouble. I didn't know mom's could be so BITCHY! ohhh lord.

be daring

:: 2004 10 May :: 10.30 pm

death
death. it's the scariest thing. Take anyone person and imagine this.. never seeing them, ever. ever again. You look around your classroom.. and you never know, the person sitting next to you might not even be here tomorow. Everyone dies.. that's natural. But not everyone dies at a young age. Life is short but it's even shorter if you die before you've even reached your twenties.

But what really can annoy you sometimes is how people "feel bad" when someone dies.. but then when that person was living they didn't give nill shit about that person. They probabaly spread some retarted rumor about that person, backstabbed them, and spoke the worst shit about them. And that's what's not right.

I bet if I died right now, twenty million people who said something bad about me yesterday would say "aww she was such a great person" tomorow. And that's what's really fucked up.

I mean seriously, that's the lowest blow you can ever find. The only reason someones being symathetic half the time is because they would "look bad" if they weren't sympathic and that's what's even worse.

It's just not... right.

I'd rather have one or two faithfull, good and true people at my funeral than five hundred fake people who never really cared about me in the first place.

1 failure | be daring

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