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:: 2004 16 August :: 11.16pm

so last night i was up till 3 in the morning talking to ryan and tyson... i love those guys. they really are 2 of my absolute best friends. *hugs them..... but because of THEM.. ahem.. yes you..... i woke up late this morning.... so here is my day... (im kidding loves, it was my fault.... *giggles)

i wake up at 11:40.
im supposed to be to work at 11:30.
i call phyllis, tell her im running late.. she says ok.
my mom calls before i leave, tells me metron wants an interview.
i call metron, set up an interview for tomorrow.
i finally get to the end of the driveway and the explorer stalls, and just stops.
it starts.
i make it to arbys.
phyllis gives me the day off.. which scared me.
i pick up my pictures.
i go to turn out of great day and almost pull out RIGHT in front of somebody.. which i later find out is ryan and his grandparents, which just a little too ironic.... lol... thats just great.. now his grandparents think im a moron.. lol.
i go to beckys.
i call my mom.
we argue.
i call me uncle david, and he tells me my head gasket on my car needs to be replaced.. GREEAAAAT.
i call metron.
go in for an interview.
stalk someone at a certain place with a certain friend... lol.
go home.
go to cindys.
come home.
go to boot camp.
miss alaska.
come home.

bahhhh. why god, why must you test me when im so fragile. im working at it, its going nowhere, why cant i just give up. its like talking to a brick wall...... god please give me strength with this.

i praise god for the friends he's given me. i really do..... esp the ones from youth group, i've bonded with all of them, and they're such amazing people.

i have to work tomorrow, and i need to do my devotions tonight, because i feel extremely burdened.... and i hate that feeling.

i wish ryan was online..... darn you not being online or on my phone till the wee hours of the morning...!

*runs you over with my explorer..... and then giggles.

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:: 2004 16 August :: 3.48pm

hectic crazy day. CRAZY day.

i'll update about it later...

you'll never understand how much you hurt me will you. how can you even stand yourself.

ash.... im not gonna be home tonight till around 10, but i'll try and get online.. otherwise we'll for sure have to talk tomorrow! I miss you!!! lol, we havent even hung out yet. *tears.

*screams........

i got my pictures back today, i had to pay for them.. not suprising.. but they turned out really good.

ok, off to cindys....

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:: 2004 15 August :: 1.20am

i could get angry after finding out that our whole relationship was based on lies, but instead im going to pray for you. you really dissapoint me sometimes, but i hope that one day you dont wake up and realize you've dissapointed yourself.

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:: 2004 14 August :: 5.32pm

yesterday

work
car breaks down
greenville

blehhh... everything sucked.. except greenville, i got a whole bunch of clothes from pennys.. well.. a whole bunch meaning 2 cords and 4 sweaters... and then i went to get chucks.. but they didnt have them in my size.. which reminded me that the day sucked.. but then we went to applebees.. we being me, becky, and brandi.... and everything was fine. we ate lots of food, laughed alot..... it was just fun.

today sucked, i had to work.... thats never fun.. EVER. especially today. blahhhh.

i now realize that i had no point to this entry except that i had fun shopping last night.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 13 August :: 4.12pm

im going shopping today....... *counts down....

i need to blow some money...... *gets excited.

*over uses the astrix

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:: 2004 13 August :: 8.23am

i have to work today... 2 days after i get back and i have to work... i never would have known if i hadnt called them last night... im so angry. before i left work was devouring my life, every day i worked at either arbys or cindys, and i had time for nothing else, no church, no friends, no devotions, no anything. if that starts up again im gonna quit, because the summer i turned 16 i'll always remember as miserable... thats NOT how this years gonna be.

in alaska they told us that when we got home satan was going to try and attack us with all our weak points, make us to busy for devotions... and things ya'll just wouldnt understand.... i guess i didnt think he'd attack me with all my weak points all at once.

but i have somebody to talk to, someone who will help me realize that its ok to hurt, but that i dont have to hurt alone...... i love having that feeling.

today im going to greenville after i get out of work and im getting black chucks, 2 pairs of cords and 2 sweater things..... i dont really care about school shopping that much... im not gonna be finished by the time school starts, big deal.

i think im losing it for woohu, i want to stop using it. nobody cares if you write an entry and you're happy. the only reason you get comments is if you're really angry and someone thinks they can twist what you said around on themselves and start a conflict. or if you're really depressed, then they comment just to find out whats going wrong in your life. why does everyone feel the need to feed off negativity?

i have to bring jessie to the groomers... or as becky my dear would say....

*high pitched undescribable voice*
"jess-jess go bye-bye to goomers!!!"

*laughs.... i love you beck.
smorgasboard.3 weeks.perfect.

*screams........

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:: 2004 11 August :: 5.20pm

oh yeah... i got a car.. forgot to update about that.... im pretty excited.

its a black cutless supreme.. power everything. seats, mirrors, moon roof, antenna. keyless start/entry, controls on steering wheel, climate control, cruise control..... its got all these fun things to play with! and the best part is that i bought it.. i did... with money that I earned. it feels so good.... when i got to the church this morning it was just sitting there waiting for me... well.. not sitting... its not an animal... but it was sooo exciting. yeeaaah.. err.... for me anyways... now im realizing that its probably not exciting for youuu........ so ok... i'll go then..

i've never been treated like how you treat me.... i'll treasure you forever. im so incredibly glad we got so many chances to talk, i really feel blessed to have you in my life, nobody has ever cared about me, and i mean GENUINLY cared like you do.. and its evident. i just wanted you to know how much i appreciate you.

nerk.... hahahahaha

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:: 2004 11 August :: 3.06pm

i'm home... well, im "house".. and im ok with that.

that was the best experience i could have ever possibly had at this point in my life...

im finished with everything.... im starting over. things will change... and now i know that when satan feeds me a lie i can claim it.. and that is an awesome feeling.

i've bonded with almost every person in my youth group..... i cant even begin to explain everything that happend on our trip.. so im not gonna try.

im smiling for the first time in a long time.. genuinly smiling.

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:: 2004 30 July :: 5.24pm

i leave for alaska tomorrow morning.... *does a little dance.

im excited.. its kinda surreal... like... i cant believe it already here... tomorrow... gahh. i cant wait.

BECKY! *cries hysterically.... point taken.

dont even have to go on...... she knows... oh yes... she knows... *cries again.

I LOVE YOU!

hopefully a moose doesnt eat me......

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:: 2004 26 July :: 4.25pm

our computer hasnt been working.. so quick quick update on the last like... 3 weeks.

(*im at the library.. and i have 7 minutes.... we'll see how fast i can get this....*)

i leave for alaska saturday morning.
kings island was a blast and becky and i are horrible people who had the chance to flog multiple british men.. but passed it up.
mackinaw island and traverse city was fun with my mom and shelby.... our family is so dysfuntional... and hmm lets see....
becky got hired at arbys, and that kicks ass.
my schedual at school sucks really bad, and that makes me sad.... lunch... gahh.. no. gahh.

ok, im getting yelled at to get off.. by a LIBRARIAN! my life is so sad i cant stand it...

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:: 2004 16 July :: 6.09pm

i didnt have to work at cindys tonight cuz of the rain.... people just dont seem to want icecream when its raining. fine with me.. it would have been better if i would have found out i didnt have to work BEFORE i was almost there.. but oh well.. at least im not at work.

im picking becky up later on.... (and sam, and bear) and we're going over to her dads because in the morning.. WE'RE going to KINGS ISLAND! im sooo happy! *woot woot

jess hazen... I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! lol.. i miss you! we havent talked in so long! CALL ME!!!!

i got called today. *laughs... oooooh yeah. i got it still.. i havent lost it.... it was a nice moment... odd, but nice.

i've decided, im not going to "date" anyone.. but im going to date random people.. how fun... becky and i have discussed this... and why tie yourself down to one whiney moron when you can have like 5?! laughs*.. im kidding... but i deffinately just want to have fun in highschool and date whoever i want, whenever i want. and that was a pointless rambling.... ehhh, ah well.

i went tanning today and i bough this lotion called sexpot, and im all dark and stuff now. its nice. i smell like lotion.... or sex... or sex lotion... lol. i dont know..

now im all dark and desirable... *haha.. riiight* you just want to lick me dont you. admit it... you know you do.

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:: 2004 15 July :: 6.37pm

fought some more with my mom, cried some more... went to work, got an evil voice mail telling me to come STRAIGHT home from arybs.... aka. no stacys house.... cried some more.

came home, went to the beach with brandi lynn.....

theres my day.

oh, and i came home........ and i got checked in on.. to make sure i did.... *rolls eyes. whatever.

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:: 2004 15 July :: 11.16am

FYI... im not comming home tonight.

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:: 2004 15 July :: 11.08am

last night i was taking a bath and listening to my cd player, and i actually thought about throwing the cd player in the water.... i hate my life.. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

i just got off the phone with my mom, that "good relationship" that i was always so happy about is gone.

"ya know what erika, im sick of you"
"well im sick of you too"

these were my words to her.. along with many others......

"im 16 working 7 days a week. i have 300 dollars in the bank. THATS fun. i dont do anything fun EVER, i hate my life.. we dont even get along anymore"-me

"well its hard with YOUR attitude"-crazy

"yours too"-me

"ya know what erika, im sick of you"-crazy

"well im sick of you too"-me

dial tone on both ends.

i just LOVEEE how close we are.. fuck her. god just fucking afjsd;fklsd;lkfjal;sdkfjasl;dkfj.

kings island is gonna break me... well she can "only give me 80 dollars" and "we cant go away next week"

i dont want her money.. i dont want her.. i dont want anything anymore, i just dont want life... goddddddddddddddd.

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:: 2004 15 July :: 10.08am

so yesterday i was so incredibly pissed, and i spent like 45 minutes updating my stupid journal and went i clicked update there was an error or something er other and i lost it... i periodically copied it at one point... and this is all i could recover....... maybe it'll show you how frustrated life makes me....

lets recap what i was supposed to do today...

i was supposed to work.
i was supposed to go to craigs cruisers with my youth group.

thats it, thats all i had going for me today. thats why i had to tell cindy that i couldnt work, thats why i made NO other fucking plans tonight. thats why i couldnt hang out with jess hazen... where am i though? what am i doing.. im on the damn computer, doing absolutely nothing. why? because my moms insane and unfair and so stupid.. and gahhh, im just so upset i feel like crying.. and i just dont care what any of you think... i hate my life.

i work my ass off 7 days a fucking week, i NEVER have a break.. EVER. i get my paycheck, i put them in the bank.. or i spend it on fucking gas.. because this fucking explorer goes through 10 dollars a day and the only fucking place i go is work and back. the social aspect of my life doesnt even exist anymore. im emotionally and physically drained by the end of every day.. i havent been to the mall ONCE this summer. not once, i havent been to the beach since that day i went with my friends, and that was a lake in greenville.. hardly counts. i havent bought any clothes with ANY of the money i've been working "SO" hard for... no.. it goes in the bank so i can buy MYSELF a car. thats right.. i dont have a parent to buy me one.. i dont have some rich grandparents to suprise me... i provide for my fucking self.. and my mom wont even help me. she wont help me with gas, and ANYTHING i want to do i have to pay for. if i want to go to the movies, i have to pay for it. if i want to buy a movie, i pay for it. ice cream? i pay for it. kings island.. I'M paying for it.. there goes 150 right there. and school clothes.. i have to pay for those too.. and if i have to take money out of the bank for everything else, im not NOT buying school clothes, so i guess im just gonna have to take it ALL out and when i get the "dont you want a car" lecture i'll be like fuck yeah.. but i also NEED gas, and i also LIKE having fun some of the time instead of just working everyday.. call me crazy for spending money at the movies.... WHY WONT YOU FUCKING HELP ME.....

____________________________________

and that was all that i could save.. and so my mom and i were all fighting and frigid and not getting along. and when she came home i was talking to becky and shes like..

if all you're gonna do is talk on the phone then go downstairs.. you dont even spend any time with shelby anymore...

so i start to go downstairs...

"its nice that the only person you give a damn about is becky"

i saw yeeppp

"the ONLY person you EVER spend time with"

i slam the basement door.

first of all.. why would i want to spend time with my bratty little sister, and why would i want to talk to her when she's being such a bitch.... honestly... people are so fuckin crazy!

becky.. i cant even begin to tell you how much i love you and how much i appreciate you being my best friend.. WHAT would we do without eachother? we NEVER would have come across johnny!! *gasps.. thats just terrible! you're the only person who doesnt make me feel like im not good enough, or that i should be a better christian, or listen to a certain kind of music. and you've never told me that i should or shouldnt say or do certain things.... (*I'LL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO SAY*) we both know what im talking about... and it just enrages me.... gahhhhh. i love you rouxi!

i have to work again today... wooo.
i have to take money out of the bank.
i have to clean my room.... well.. brandis room.
i have to start packing for kingsisland.. i have to do EVERYTHING... GAHHHHHH....

at least i get out early today.

it was nice talking to you, i knew you couldnt stay mad at me for that long... how good am i.... i was sooooo right. we were able to put things aside yesterday and you made me feel better when i wasnt feeling that great. i knew that you cared... and i'll be damned if something stupid causes us to hate eachother.

ok....... enough ramblings.

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:: 2004 14 July :: 10.05am

today i work till 3, then i think im going to craigs cruisers with my youth group.. i think.. i dont know though. its about time i should do something with them. alaska is in... 2 weeks? i dont know.. very soon.

it was all sunny earlier this morning.. and now its all umm.. not.

happy birthday joe!

so dashboards new song is amazing.. and i love it... because i love them. *sighs*

i miss having a life.

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:: 2004 13 July :: 10.13am

yesterday was one of the greatest days ever.

i had to work till 2, and then me and jess went tanning.. which was so nice.. because im sick of being all pale.. blaaaahh.

then i went to beckys and watched her brother and sister play harry potter uno.. lol.. and then i raded her closet, changed out of my work clothes, and picked becky up from mcdonalds. when we got to her house we got in different clothes so that we could play in the rain. so we run outside, and its raining, not to hard, but pretty hard, and we're bare foot... and then we decide that we just wanna go to the park. so we (still barefoot) run frolicing in the streets to the park and it started pouring, like you wouldnt even believe. and it was just so much fun! we were dancing in the middle of the park in a complete downpour in crazy shorts and semi transparant shirts screaming christina agulara songs and mocking certain morons that we know. we attacked several mud puddles, even layed in them... until "what if the worms come up?" and we got up faster then i think either of us has ever moved before. i havent laughed that much in such a long time... im so happy we're best friends! we kept laughing about who else would be content being such morons... and that when we live wherever we're gonna live together we're gonna continue to play in the rain... lol. it was just to fun.

then we ran back to her house, jumped in the shower (together.. he he he... lol.. bathing suits you pervs..) and got dressed before either of our moms caught on to our evil scheme... after all the acid will kill you becky. and we may have ring worm and diseases in our vaginas... but HEY its all good right?! *laughs. we're such nerds.

"show me your face god!"

I LOVE YOU BUCKY BECKY!
-our smorgasboard kicks so much ghetto booty.

so here is my new list of people that i love oh so much........

becky- "should we take turns washing our vaginas?"
brandi- all mighty spotted one
jess w- "do you smell something burning?"
jess h- you've got the _____ (random word) to make my booty go smack! *laughs.
ashley- cronkus
stacy- "what? i dont know why she's floating at the bottom of the pool...."
lisa- "its a bracelet! i swear!"
jenna- "we should like, get them a card or someting!" "should we?" "lets do it!"
jessie g- *whispers very loudly* "see that guy right there.. shes a LESBIAN!"

sorry if i didnt mention you my loves, but this is my recent loves, love. and i still love you.... even though you got no recognition... *giggles.

im pathetic, and going to be late for work if i dont get off line....

*scampers away

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:: 2004 12 July :: 10.54am

mmmmm... special k... tastes like cardboard... mmmm.

i get out early today... this is weird... i need to so something to be all like... yeah, i can do something tonight. err.. something.

*licks beckys arm

almost time for kings island! except we leave saturday morning, im spending the night at beckys friday, and i have to work at cindys friday until 10.... ahhh well. still.. woot woot!

i was up late last night, and one of the people i was talking to was ashley sonego..and shes so fricken cool! we're gonna take over the world someday.... no.. seriously.

jess hazen.. i miss you darnit!

ok, i guess i have nothing to talk about at all.. and i DO need to dry my hair...... i hate drying my hair.....

loves...
erika

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:: 2004 11 July :: 11.58pm

honestly... what. am. i. doing.

my mom talked to carrie today at church... and it made me feel so good to hear what carrie had to say because now no matter what anyone else thinks or says, i know what my youth pastor and his wife think, and thats all that matters. i love them so much.

i tried calling alyssa.. but i couldnt get through, which really makes me sad because i miss her so much. *cries. i havent talked to her in weeks.

*reminder to self* i am yet to get a swimsuit for alaska... i say swimsuit because it has to be a one piece, and i dont own a one piece and i dont want to own a one piece, darn christians and their *trying to think of word..... modesty.. thats the word.

tomorrow i only have to work a total of 2 hours.... thats almost amazing.. i should right that down in some sort of book. although, if i dont go to sleep soon... i might not make it to work.

becky... just.. is.. the... bestest... person... ever.

*ahem.

your milk shake brings me to the bar as i scream you're bodys like who when you do it right thuur.. because i like it like that, when you workin that back, i owno (ghetto slurr... owno= i dont know) how to act.. slow motion for me, slow motion for me (slowly wiggles booty in front of a 50 g sports car) but sometiiiiiiimes, sometiiiiiiiimes all the guys think that we mighty fiiiiiiiine, but mighty fiiine only gets us nowhere all the time, and the other half... *somethin somethin*.. even thooouuughh.. we dont have a golden calculator and cant diviiiiiide.. the time it takes us to do math we cry inside, that real life only calls for, good looks and, gay sitcom shoooowwwwsss. ohh, oh oh but really you got me lookin so crazy right now ( comon ) got me lookin so crazy right now.. your touch got me lookin so crazy right now... thoia thoia thoia thoia thoing.... REMIX! well you gotta hottie bodie when i saw you at that party i said becky would you call call me you said georgie are you ballin, i said sounds like you like like like like.. paulson (*shrugs.. i dont know) oh so your one of them chicks gets red in the face when he pulls out his... wallet (*laughs) well this way to please ya, gotta eat some cheeza, ... something, something.. i dont knowa.

ok, its late, im a moron.. and i just hit on my best friend with ghetto rap.... *shrugs. lol. we're so fun becky!

loves you* misses you*

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:: 2004 11 July :: 9.20am

people irritate me....

wooo... i get to skip church today... wooo... gretchens gonna kill me.... woo... arbys till 4... wooo cindys at 4:30.

*cries....

5 days until kings island.. i'll just keep telling that to myself..... its almost time for a break.. almost.... almost time to get away for awhile.

so yesterday at work.. hot man came in... i could have died.... he just really is the hottest guy i've ever seen. and get this... he told felicia to tell me he said hi and that i should go out there and TALK to him (*i know right!) but i didnt because i was wearing a hair net... and thats just not attractive. oh oh oh..... i dont know if i've shared my assumptions about my boss.. but i was thinking that she might be a lesbian.. its confirmed.. she is. i saw her girlfriend yesterday! ahhhh... lol. i KNEW IT!

beckys applying to arbys.. because she loves me... and she hates mcdonalds... and im hoping she'll get hired because everyone is quiting. *crosses fingers.

i may be making a huge mistake here.... (irrelevant... forget about it.)

becky spent the night last night, and we watched once upon a time in mexico... i just love that movie. and she STAYED AWAKE! lol.. just kidding jess! i picked becky up after work last night, and then we went back and met jessie at arbys because she got out a little later then me.. and we went and got ice cream and talked, it was so fun.... except for jess neglecting to read the exit sign! lol. so becky and i blaired outkast and milkshake all the way home. it was quite the fun time... except some car flashed its lights at me... i keep forgetting to turn my headlights on.. i hate them not being automatic.

*biggest gasp ever.... GUESS what shan and sara got me for my birthday.. just guess. because it is so wonderfull that i can barely tell you..... they got me a poster of johnny depp in the bathtub!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH...its SOOO hott. i love love love love love love love love it! * I LOVE YOU SARA!* so i must send them a ginormous thank you for that.

man i wish i could go to church today... they're gonna be so mad at me. gahhh. and next week i cant go because of kings island. that makes like over a month that i havent been to church.

oh well i guess.. what can ya do right?

please visit me at cindys. please please please please please. it gets so lonely there!

im gonna be off now.. i need to clean up and eat something.

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:: 2004 10 July :: 11.30am

pheww... it feels so nice to have taken a shower!

i had the weirdest dream last night... (as if im not going to tell you.. pshh)

all of a sudden out of nowhere i was pregnant.. but i couldnt remember how and then the culprit *wouldnt you like to know* was somebody that i had been so mad at it, and as far as i knew i was still mad.. but that couldnt be if i was pregnant by him... and so then my parents (yeah.. it wasnt my mom, and magically i had a dad too...) told his parents (which werent his real parents either) and they said that they told ______ (name) and he was upset and didnt know how to take it. and then i was talking to jess and im like.. how am i gonna fit into a prom dress next year?! and was just flipping out... and so anyways... this "person" turned into nick fahlen.. who i dont know at all, i think its cuz me and jess were talking earlier about how hot he dressed..... and then i was thinking... mwah ha.. now he's tied to me for life. lol. it was CRAZY! so then i had my babies.. lol.. girl and boy, and later the hospital was critisizing me for being so young and said that i didnt have any.. and im like.. yes i did. and they just wouldnt give my babies.... who then turned into fish... because all babies were fish in the end of my dream.. i just dont get it... lol. that was about all of it... but as far as weird dreams goes.. thats one of the weirdest.

i guess i'll get going... jess should be out of the shower about now. i feel funny upstairs all by my lonesomes...*nervously looks around. lol.

*yesterday was the first time i saw him in a long time... i couldnt help but laugh to myself as i fell apart inside.

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:: 2004 10 July :: 2.51am

its sooo late... or early.... one of two.

im at jess's house, we just watched once upon a time in mexico... well... lol... i did anyways... she fell asleep... so i figured i'd get online for a few minutes before heading off to bed. i almost hit a kitty on the way here.... it was sad.... *cries.

tonight was fun... i didnt get here till about 10:00.. but i've missed jess... and its sooo good to talk to her!! *i love you jess!*

beckys back! my becky.. my hedgehog, bucky the beckaboo of all rouxis is finally back...... *smiles.

and whoooo did she call first? oh thats right... and whooooo did she call every night she was gone..... mmm hmmmmm. *loves her.

today after i got out of work i picked up shelby from her babysitters and brought her to the park where we met lisa and stacy.. that was nice cuz i havent seen them in forever. and then i dont know.. i guess i was just like... woooo go big sisters... because then i took shelbys to maynards for ice cream.. and then to the movie store and bought her brother bear and stuart little... i love that little girl.. even though sometimes i dont act like it. someday she's gonna be older and im gonna be her protector.. its good to know that she looks up to me, now and always. im blessed to be a sister... now, no matter what.. i'll never be alone.

"i here they have a master cooking class"
"we could be master bakers!"
"yeah, we could master bake together!"

- one of the funniest lines from will and grace i ever did see.

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:: 2004 9 July :: 8.48am

i've been listening to my depressed music again.. but i dont know if its because im sinking lower or if im just missing you. i drive by where you work quite often and it makes me break inside, knowing that you're in there. i hate where i am in my life right now, and i hate that you're not here for me.... but i would also hate it if you were. i used to see you everywhere.. and it was something of annoyance that i could laugh about to my friends, but that hasnt been happening lately... and now everything is just over. and its official.. and its final.. and i dont know if i like that.... but i'll move past this, because this is an uncertainty, and im tired of that crushed feeling i get when i think about you.

i have to work at arbys today. how fun.

next friday we leave for kings island (me and the beckers) i cant wait. i cant wait to just get away..... we hope to finish our smorgasboard, or at least get a good grip on it.... still... i seriously cant wait. im so excited.... me and my best friend.... well, and her dad, and brother, and sister... but lets just neglect that they're all gonna be there... (even though i love them).

we're getting back the 21st, and then the 22nd my mom and shelby and i are goin somewhere, but we dont know where. maybe sea world, maybe mackinaw... we just dont know..... (do any of you know somewheres fun to go within like 8 hours of here? comment if you do..)

then the 31st i leave for alaska.... and that excitement is on a whole new level that i cant even begin to explain. i hope that on this trip i can find myself again.. i was so close last time. i plan to soak up the mountains and spend my time serving god, because i havent been doing that lately.. havent had much time.

i think im fresh out of things to say..... nothing really happens in my life.

that reminds me, yesterday when i was at cindys i was working with these two rather "popular" girls.... (cindy wasnt even there, they're both gonna be seniors) and for like the first 2 hours i was just thinking in my head that i was SOOO gonna update woohu about how i hate popular stupid girls... and then they turned around and were really nice. it just goes to show that maybee first impressions arent always real.. maybee we create what we want them to be in our heads, and wait for them to fit the criteria. anyways... i stand corrected... they were really fun.

and if someone doesnt come visit me there.... im gonna be..... or.. im gonna... blah.. i just dont know. just please come get ice cream from me............... i work sunday at 4:30......

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 7 July :: 4.11pm

how sad is this... im at the cedar library checking my email... but thats not the saddest part.... he never emailed me back.

i guess i was crazy to think that this HUGE fight could be resolved.. yeah, i caught you in a lie, and that turns around to be my fault... be stubborn, lose yet ANOTHER friend... you'll never change.

off to cindys..... god i hate my life.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 7 July :: 9.23am

noooo.. dont make me go. if i have to drop one more bun down the slicer i'm gonna scream, and no more wraps and sandwhiches, and for goodnesssakes people STOP ordering subs.. because i hate making them... BLEH.

*prays* please dont let cindy kill me tonight...

BLEH.. thats all i can say... sums up my life right about now... i work, i sleep, i get online, i visit brandi at camp.... thats it.

oh oh oh though... i got a volunteer packet from there... i cant wait to start... so at least when im not working and "skipping" church i can be "serving the lord". lol. i really shouldnt have said it that way.. i actually am really excited about it.

i need to blow dry my hair... but i dont want to.. because im lazy... HOLY HELL.. i need to put my uniform in the dryer!!! *runs away...

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 7 July :: 12.12am

why am i not sleeping.......

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 6 July :: 5.08pm

i just got off the phone with becky....

i miss her!!!! *cries.

today i guess they went to times square and the mtv store, and they went and toured the SNL studio and they went to the virgin record store.... grrr.. i just want her here.. but im so happy because she's finally in "her place".... because we all know about the whole "becky-new york" thing!

(example.... go to her journal)

in other news.... WHY must he bother me so much. GAHHHH. stupid stupid stupid guys and their stupidness.

why do you suddenly party all the time when you always told me that you had all these morals. were they all lies? was i holding you back from your "true self"? because honestly.. i dont understand how morals can just "change". i guess its a good thing we broke up... if i was just keeping you from drinking and partying... thats what you really want isnt it... well now you've got it. im not gonna lie and say im not concerned... but fine, have fun screwing your life up. turn out like your sister... remember how much you "admired" her lifestyle? you didnt.. but HEY.. its just highschool right? HEY... church can wait... besides last night there was this kick ass party.. and im just to tired.. HEY my grades dont have to be good, just half ass so that i can pass.... HEY i'll just go on being a loser the rest of my life because thats all thats expected of me.

sorry.. i had to vent.... it just makes me sick. while im working my ass off, there are people out there who dont have to work for money, party all the time, completely waste their lives, and dont even appreciate what they do have.

anyways.....

i have a meeting tonight at work... something about "recent conflicts" that everyone has to know about or something.. i dont know. and then tomorrow is gonna be another work all day type of day. 11-4 at arbys, 4:30-10 at cindys. woooo.... my life is so fun. but wait... tonight i might make bannana bread... i mean comon... now THATS fun. ooooh yeah.. and i MIGHT even take a bath... i dont know.. relax? im not sure if i have time for that.. i mean comon... i could be scrubbing floors or something.

BLEH.. its so hot out.... and i havent gotten out of uniform yet because im to lazy. lazy or tired.. one of the 2.

im gonna go miss becky some more.. and to top that off im gonna think about how angry it makes me that i even think about him still.. and after that i'm gonna fume and wonder why he doesnt care enough to call and figure out what we're even fighting about, because i dont even remember.... then maybee i'll think about all my church friends who dont care anymore, and wonder what they have thats so important that they cant even be civil to me... then maybe i'll do some laundry... wait.. no.... meeting at work..... ok scratch all that... i'll just be generally depressed.......

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 6 July :: 10.08am

i couldnt sleep last night... i hate having no control over that.

i have to work from 11-4. *woooooo

yesterday i came up with this sad realization that a part of me misses him... and im thinking.. what the fuck is wrong with you.. why would you think that? but maybee its just because im lonely... and he never let me feel that way. but im crazy.. and thats a crazy thought.. and im just praying that i forget all about it....... not to mention.. the person he's become.. isnt the person that i knew him as.... you cant miss a person you never knew right?

damn me having to work..... gahhhh.
well off i go i guess.....

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 5 July :: 6.20pm

i was supposed to work today.. but am i working. noooooo... im a moron and thought that i had bootcamp.. so i told cindy that i couldnt work, because im sick to death of pissing all these random people at church off because i dont go to anything anymore... well it turns out i didnt have boot camp, i didnt work, it got all messed up.. this girl at work was an ass on the phone, and now im sitting here bored as hell with nothing to do.

i wanna spend the night somewhere.. but i dont know where, anywhere..... *SCREAMS... get me out of here!

i have so much that i wanna update about... but i just dont have the energy.............

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 5 July :: 1.40pm

last night after i got out of work.. which wasnt bad at all... i voluntarily stayed till nine, it was nice talking to justin, and before jess left we were all having so much fun... i EVEN learned the fry station.. and shake machine... oooh yeah.............. but anyways.. on with my night...

when i got home brandi was already ready to go.. so i figure.. ok i guess we're gonna go.. lol. and i got all dressed and stuff... cuz ya know.. nakedness just doesnt suit me.. and so i take my hair out of my pony tail.. and i was running my fingers through it. and there was some sticky in it.. and im like what the heck is that.... so i pulled my hair around and smelled it and it was jamocia shake! im like.. what the heck! how it got there.. i have no idea..... but we just thought it was funny.. and i didnt have time to take a shower, so i just ran that part of my hair under the sink.. yanked a brush thorugh the mess on my head, straightend it (thank the good lord who ever invented the straightner... fuck whoever came up with spelling....) and i think i camoflauged my self pretty darn good considering i had only a half an hour...... giggles*

so then we get there around 10:30 and the first people we see are collin and logan, and there just fun, then we find jenna and jessie, and hung out with them all night, and that was fun, because they're so much fun! and yeah... i think "someone" just hates me, didnt even look at me... but seriously..... i didnt mean to walk right past you and ignore you... brandi said "theres ______ (your name here)" but i thought she said "theres dawn" and i cant stand dawn so i was like, "well lets just pretend we dont see" but i guess.. from what she said, i said that right when i walked by you, which i didnt know.. because when i finally found out it was you, it was 15 minutes later, and its only because brandi brought it up again.. which made me feel awfull, really it did. i wouldnt have purposly ignored you.. esp when im not even that mad anymore....... just dissapointed, so when we went over to jenna and jessie you didnt even acknoledge me.. and i wasnt about to be like.. HEYYYYY.

anyways.. enough with that... the fireworks were ok, not the greatest.. the four of us rode the spinny bears for free... and played a "fun" guessing game of how old the carnie was..... lol.

i got hit on by a couple of old men.. and then these scary druggy teenagers asked brandi and i as we walked past if we wanted to _____ (alien noise here.. seriously, i dont know what he was doing.. lol) and i was like, not really!

that was our night.. OH.. ALMOST our night.

we get back to the car.. and we made jenna and jessie walk with us because it was dark and scary.. and so we get there and this guy was like, theres something on your windshield.. IT WAS A PARKING VIOLATION! is it illegal to park on a curb..!!! lol.. cuz if it is.. we werent clued in on this.. and were werent even fully on the curb.. plus... how stupid.. theres no parking anywheres.. and the stupid sandlake police have nothing better to do then put violations during the FOURTH of july.. it just made me outraged! ask jenna, jessie, or brandi.. i was about to do something... something... *thinks... i dont know.. but something! lol.

so ok, THAT was our night.....

i have boot camp tnight, if id ont have to end up working at cindys.. which i might cuz its really nice out... and then church people will be all evil to me, because they tend to think they're better then everyone else... seriously.. some church goers just sicken me... they think they own the church... i GO dont i? when i can.. i have to work, ihave no control over my schedual... thats not anyones problem other then my own.. gahh.. sometimes i just want to scream at them.........!!

ok.. brandis getting on.. im taking a shower, and then i dont know.. but it'll be boring.. because theres nothing to do.. and this entry sucked.

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