sendmemoney
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2002 27 October :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: incubus - consequence
i am sitting, looking down at you. but somehow, we are here, together, talking. and i feel so displaced from this world, but not out of love for you, because this is not love, or lust, or anything like it. because of the fact that the person who reaches past me, grazing my cheek, couldn’t tell you how i am feeling, or what i am thinking, or who i am directing my poetry to. and the person that my poetry is written for (and my heart is given to) won’t ever care to see it. and as i sit and listen to why you can’t be here any more, i look around and see that i’m not a part of this anymore. that i am indirectly in the center of this scene and, chances are, that the people on the outside of this picture will never even notice that i don’t belong here. meanwhile i stand on the outside with them, smiling at the irony of it all. and i jumble my thoughts haphazardly into a sentence, struggling to make you understand. but you won’t. how could you? and you are sitting below me, looking down at me.
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2002 24 October :: 10.55am
:: Mood: hopeful
when i'm with you, i feel like i could die, and that would be alright.
third eye blind
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2002 20 October :: 9.30pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: incubus - consequence
slipping in through c a k and out through windows
r c s
lovingly adored.
covering up the burn marks
with long sleeves and makeup
so as not to remind of the past nights
of the past fights
painfully ignored.
pondering if you can tattoo over scars
and how to explain to the artist
the artwork already permanently
covering the body
basking in attention
drinking in the liquid bitterness
like vodka, burning throats
breaking hearts
and weakening mentalities
until enough is enough
and, walking out the door
one last breath of freedom is drawn
before the final blow is delivered
and falling
free you land.
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2002 20 October :: 8.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
if i don't make it, know that i loved you all along, just like sunny days that we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded, and i hope to God i figure out what's wrong.
our lady peace
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2002 16 October :: 9.55am
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: the starting line - nothing's going to stop us now
tossing and turning in fitful unrest
unable to stop
(thinking about that night)
and distract myself with dreams.
the air, laden with the sweet smell of spring,
my shirt, laden with your scent.
in the end, you always left me smelling like Polo and cigarettes.
in the end, you always left me.
but i kept holding on, pulling you back in desperation.
at a loss for words because i didn't know
how i could remind you of what we had.
my choppy half-sentences mirroring my head
thinking one thousand synonyms for love
but unable to compose them into a well-written song
that i would sing straight to your heart
to change it back into what i thought it was, what i know it was, that night.
maybe just that one night.
but that was all i needed to make you
the only thing i could stand to look at,
and your voice, the only sound my ears could take.
... so i wrote it and i didn't like it, i only liked the two lines i posted yesterday, but then i decided i liked it after all, so i just posted it whole, but amy's comment was so great that i wanted to leave it. that is all ...
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2002 15 October :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the rocking horse winner - miss you
in the end, you always left me smelling like Polo and cigarettes.
in the end, you always left me.
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2002 13 October :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: mike.
to do. [naked woman]
1. shave.
2. get my tires rotated and my oil changed.
3. get my transcript sent to PBCC.
4. pick susie up from school at one o'clock !!!!!
5. english homework.
6. maybe go to science class.
7. cash ten dollar check.
8. get high (when i pick susie up from school).
9. update journal.
10. polish penguin earring.
11. find out who the stalker girl is.
12. masturbate.
13. start conversation with linda; get number.
14. go shopping with leftover money.
15. find a way to buy pot. (should be on top, not on bottom.)
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2002 13 October :: 8.17pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: reel big fish - we care
*~so for a long time i let this bother me. then recently i began to realize that this happens to everybody, and it was not my fault at all. and if you’re going to act differently with me when you’re around her, then i will just try to avoid you two together. maybe even you two separately. and yea, maybe i don’t have anybody quite like you, that fits so perfectly with me, to be with. but you know what ? i can live without it. until i find somebody who smiles just like you do, i will just quietly sink into the background and try to remain unnoticed, and not let anybody see that i am just half of what i used to be. and when i do find someone like you, i will remember you and what we had, but put that away and start from the beginning with them. but i hope you don’t forget me completely, because i will never forget you.~*
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2002 10 October :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: trick daddy - i'm a thug
1. Name your favorite T.V. show in middle school: simpsons
2. What is the best way to prepare potatoes? Mmm my mom makes these potatoes with mozzarella cheese on them for thanksgiving. Those kill me. mmmmm
3. Describe your eating habits towards meat? mmmmmm
4. Be honest : messy, neatnik, or just cluttered? Mm I am pretty neat a little.
5. Many friends, or a few close friends? A few close friends.
6. Did you do horrible things to your braincells as a teenager? They loved it !
7. Did your braincells do horrible things to you? I loved it too.
8. Beach or pool? ... beach I guess.
9. Sun or shade? Shade, unless I am trying to tan.
10. Favorite book now? “I Know This Much is True” – Wally Lamb
11. Favorite tv show now? simpsons
13. Strawberry or chocolate? chocolate
14. Do lollipops last long with you or are they gone in two chomps? You don’t bite, you suck. Hahahaha .
15. Wood or carpet? carpet
16. Does the prospect of mice severely limit your sleep? Uhh what a gay question. I would erase it but then I would have to fix all the numbers. Yeaaa right.
17. Is sleep just about the most important thing? Pretty much.
18. Green thumb or black thumb of death? Black thumb of death because I am the suicidal girl from my writing class.
Have you ever...
{x} Fallen for your best friend? yes
{x} Made out with JUST a friend? yes
{x} Been rejected? yes
{x} Been in love? yes
{x} Been in lust? I always am
{x} Used someone? I try not to, but everybody has people that your whole relationship is based on using each other. So yea.
{x} Been used? yea
{x} Cheated on someone? No.
{x} Been cheated on? Not to my knowledge.
{x} Done something you regret? Walked out of a show without talking to the guy I was checking out all night. But now I know not to do that.
Who was the last person...
{x} You touched? My mother
{x} You talked to? andrea
{x} You hugged? My mother
{x} You instant messaged? chippy
{x} You kissed? I guess c.j.
{x} You yelled at? Lauren jaramayo for hitting me today at lunch.
{x} You laughed with? andrea
Have you/are you/do you....
{x} Considered a life of crime? yes
{x} Considered being a hooker? yes
{x} Considered being a pimp? You mean am I ? haha
{x} Are you psycho? Not really
{x} Schizophrenic? Not really
{x} Obsessive? With boys, but not really.
{x} Obsessive compulsive? Haha, if one hand gets wet, I have to wet the other … and shit like that. Oh well.
{x} Anxiety? Everybody does
{x} Depressed? Everybody does
{x} Suicidal? Everybody thinks about it.
{x} Obsessed with hate? Uhh no unless you count that stupid all-talk-and-no-action suicidal girl from my writing class.
{x} Understanding: I try to be
{x} Open-minded: my mother tells me I’m not, but I try to be.
{x} Arrogant: I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. HELLO ?!!?!
{x} Insecure: everybody is.
{x} Interesting: uhh not really .
{x} Hungry: I just ate but I am going to eat some cake hopefully later unless that stupid cunt friend of my brother’s took the whole cake home. Stupid slut. Hahaha. I mean, fuck the fact that it’s her birthday. Share your cake, fatass.
{x} Friendly: maybe if I ever talked to anybody I would be.
{x} Smart: yes, I am very smart.
{x} Moody: all the time, it is so horrible. OH WELL.
{x} Childish: yea. Like way too much. Hahaha if your fingers are one key off, you type ;ole instead of like. OLE !
{x} Independent: once I start driving I will be.
{x} Hard working: in the right conditions
{x} Organized: a little … enough.
{x} Healthy: yea. Knock on wood.
{x} Emotionally Stable: yeaa right. I am so moody that emotionally stable would be impossible.
{x} Shy: not really
{x} Difficult: no, not really.
{x} Attractive: it is a matter of opinion and I would rather not put “no” and have everybody comment because everybody comments, even to the ugly people, and I do not want to put “yes” for obvious reasons.
{x} Bored Easily: not as much as andrea haha
{x} Responsible: if I need to be.
Currents
{x} Current Clothes: black dickies, black underwear with bows (hahahahaha I put” boys” … ) on it mm, my totally pushup bra from victoria’s secret, my see-through skin-colored shirt, and andrea’s see through yellow with white stripes shirt
{x} Current Mood: I am SO EXCITED !!!!!!!!!!
{x} Current Taste: chocolate …
{x} Current Hair: long and flowing haha
{x} Current Annoyance: tomorrow after school is so far away
{x} Current Smell: actually, none.
{x} Current thing you ought to be doing: shit checking my mail for jenn’s research paper.
{x} Current Desktop Picture: haha my family’s old school family portrait with my braces and really really fat face and I am like 12 but getting a new one is worthless because my family is not much of a family anymore.
{x} Current Favorite Group: sublime, maybe ?
{x} Current Book: “blood sugar” by Nicole Blackman
{x} Current DVD In Player: yea right. We just got a betamax. You think we have a DVD player ?
{x} Current Refreshment: water
{x} Current Worry: haha I’d rather not say but andrea knows, and so does that random guy from online that is like my new best friend … kyle ?
{x} Current Crush: hot hot hot hot travis.
{x} Current Favorite Celebrity: Claudio of Coheed and Cambria … and Giancarlo Aservi of Fallen From the Sky hahaha
Favorite...
{x} Food: chocolate
{x} Drink: I do not drink, but … water is good and non-alcoholic.
{x} Color: black … and no, I am not suicidal like that girl from writing . gnfdjgnsdfjd
{x} Shoes: mmmm my excellent etnies
{x} Candy: world’s finest chocolate
{x} Movie: bio-dome or fantastia :)
{x} Dance: wanna dance ?? yea ? wanna dance ???
{x} Vegetable: lettuce is a vegetable right ?
{x} Fruit: mangoes mmmm. If you ever want to seduce me, bring me mangoes and I am yours. Mangoes PLURAL. No cheapskates.
On Dating....
{x} Long or short hair? Short hair
{x} Dark or light hair? It doesn’t make a different. I kind of like dark hair more maybe ?
{x} Tall or short? Taller boys
{x} Mr. Sensitive or Mr. Funny? Mr. Funny, so I can be susan funny instead of susan civilized.
{x} Good boy or bad boy? bad boy. I am so tired of good boys.
{x} Dark or light eyes? Either way
{x} Hat or no hat? Mmm it depends on the guy
{x} Pierced or no? oh man, if you have your lip pierced, I would date you regardless of any other factors.
{x} Freckles or none? Eh. Whatever.
{x} Stubble or neatly shaved? stubble itches, but it looks cute.
{x} Rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type? Sk8tr boi … even though it is not a choice.
On preferences....
{x} Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate
{x} McDonalds or Burger King? Burger king
{x} Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? Friend, even though they better be a good lover.
{x} Sweet or sour? sweet
{x} Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? Dr. pepper
{x} Sappy/action/comedy/horror? Comedy
{x} Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? Neither. Maybe nacho cheese.
{x} Mud or Jell-O wrestling? Jello is more delicious.
{x} With or without ice-cubes? Hahaha, cinnabon crew ? definitely ice cubes
{x} Shine or rain? rain
{x} Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? winter
{x} Vanilla or Chocolate? chocolate
{x} Eyes open or closed? Closed
{x} Fly or breathe under water? fly
{x} Bunk-bed or waterbed? Waterbed
{x} Chewing gum or hard candy? gum
{x} Motor boat or sailboat? Motor boats
{x} Lights on or off? Uhh off
{x} Chicken or fish? Mmmmm
What's your favorite:
{x} Number? 420 hahaha I am so predictable
{x} Holiday? halloween
{x} Place? I like going to shows
{x} Flower? lilies
{x} Scent? Happy by clinique
???
{x} If you could be anywhere, where would you be? Lake Okeechobee with andrea
{x} What are you listening to? Trick daddy – I’m a thug
{x} Can you do anything freakish with your body? I can do that thing with my lips. That is it. No sexy maneuvers.
{x} Do you have a favorite animal, no matter how lame it may be? Mmm baby skunks.
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2002 6 October :: 9.30pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: bright eyes - a perfect sonnet
i don’t know why i brought this up, especially with you. i doubt you’d understand anything about feelings, really, especially mine. you’ve gotten your hundred or so angst-filled poems, and smiled through every one of them, then come to me with open arms to apologize or cry with me and tell me it will be alright. but you never hugged me tight enough. there was always that persistent doubt, that unforgiving voice, telling me that the space between us was more than just a weak hug, and that it rivaled the oceans in its vastness and the sky in its infiniteness, and that one day we would be that distant. our bonds were so strong. how did they ever fall apart ? i guess i was mistaken when i thought that you loved me and that our feelings were mutual and that i saw love in your clear blue eyes with that everlasting sparkle. it was just me reflected ... my looking into a mirror, convincing myself that it was more than a one-sided thing. but mirrors are always one-sided (unless they are like trick mirrors. those mirrors own. rock.) and i still looked past that. i looked past a lot of things, and continue to. no matter how much i convince myself that i am stupid for thinking of you at all, and no matter how many sad poems i write to try and outdo the happy ones, you will always be the one i think of when somebody else’s lips brush mine. or when i remember how we used to stare in each other’s eyes and be content with just being there with each other, for hours and hours. i know i will never have that connection with anybody again, and that is when the longing hits me and i start to write incoherent ramblings pieced together with memories and fantasy. but it’s over, no matter how much i convince myself it’s not, or you lead me on. i wish i could tell everybody what i really thought. but then i’d have no friends except andrea. OH WELL ...
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2002 3 October :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: coheed and cambria - delirium trigger
searing stars slipping silently
through a black velvet blanket
(angels with scorched wings)
burning through heads and hearts
knowingly but uncaring
disregarding the fallen and inflicted
(fiery demons, once beautiful, now beautifully dark)
corrupting the weak-willed
conquering the strong
(so strong but so helpless, painstakingly dangerous)
reflected in lovely sad eyes
of lovers scorned
(magnificent crimes, glorious flames)
breaking others, planned mistakes,
executed flawlessly, not unlike
these stars, flying through the night.
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2002 25 September :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: desaparecidos - what's new for fall
I explained to you how it was going to be.
You just laughed it off.
Don’t you get it ? We’re so different, this is impossible, and you don’t care.
You’re such an asshole ...
But you’re wonderful. My best friend. Didn’t I call you my best friend ?
You explained to me that this is what best friends do.
I just brushed it off.
But now I get it. I don’t know why, this is so contradictory, but you do care.
You’re my guardian angel.
You’re the only one who does care. Who hears the pain in my voice when I choke back tears and somehow wrestles it out of me until I am pouring out my heart in a flood of tears and tissues. And you just smile and tell me it will be alright.
And I know it will. Because I know
I
have
you.
And I know that even if I don’t have anybody else ... and I never do ... you are all I need.
And you will hang up with anybody else ... even if you know you will have to explain yourself later ... because that’s what best friends do.
I’m like “marry me”.
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2002 23 September :: 7.50pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: jennifer lopez and marc anthony - no me ames
Cuándo miro afuera y veo la lluvia callendo, me recuerda de ese noche que salí a despedírte y nos paramos junto a tu caro, mojándonos sin que nos importara, sin pensar en nade mas que el momento en que estábamos. Esa fue una de nuestras últimas noches feliz, juntos, desesperadamente enamorados. Y cuando terminamos yo no pense que todavía estubiera pensándote. Pero asi pasan las cosas y no puedo dejar de pensarte, y no se si mirar al futuro o quedarme en el pasado con mis fotos y las llamadas que no te aféctan a ti pero me dejan temblando y lista para llorar. Entonces quemare tus fotos con tus memorias y mirare aver quien mas podre encontrar con quien enamorarme esta vez, porque aunque termine asi, no quiero vivir sin sentir otra vez lo que sentí por ti.
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2002 22 September :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: further seems forever - wearing thin
And she stared relentlessly at the blank screen and blinking cursor, closing her eyes periodically, thinking of him for inspiration, And nothing came. And the background noises offered nothing to write about, And she had nobody to write for. And as she typed the words “i hate you forever” over and over on the white screen, she knew she would. And he knew she would, And he said nothing. And he stepped away from her And her life And her heart And he would never again be her everything, And she cried. And she felt like she would never be anybody’s everything again, And she felt the crushing taste of defeat in her mouth. And she spit violently at him as he moved forward And she was held back, to get rid of his taste, And she never really would. And she looked at her watch And not even a minute had passed in this lifetime that had just occurred, And she wondered how long she would really feel like this, And how long it would feel like. And she wrote.
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2002 17 September :: 10.12pm
:: Mood: laughing
:: Music: snoop dogg & dr. dre - the next episode
Dear Journal,
Today was such a crazy day. We rented Problem Child 2, Look Who's Talking 2, and another movie and watched them. We had pizza and went in the pool. Then I went home.
Dear Journal,
Today I called Ryan Hartman "dildo" and his dad sent me home. I don't even know what a dildo is, but some kid told me to say it. I asked my dad what it was. He told me to shut the fuck up.
Dear Journal,
Today in Ms. Chapman's class, Amanda Moskovich tried to take something from me, so I punched her in the face, and everyone in the class cheered for me. She is enormous. Everyone was happy. I was the hero. I slayed the beast.
Dear Journal,
Nicole Burke was drawing on the desk in Ms. Phoel's class. She is an ex-nun, but everybody calls her an ex-nazi. Nicole was drawing on the desk, and Ms. Phoel took her desk away and made her sit on the floor on a box, and she cried the whole time.
Dear Journal,
In Ms. Williams' class, I forgot to bring my snack to school. So when Christina Fama wasn't looking, I stole her apple from her desk. I took like three bites and then threw it in my desk so they couldn't find it. And it was so messy that nobody could look for it, but they knew it was me.
Dear Journal,
In Ms. Jones' class we had to make short plays, and I made one about Ren and Stimpy. She thought it was so disgusting that she had to stop me in the middle and make a huge speech about how disgusting it is. There was this one lady that was a recess counselor and we called her "Fat Pat". We told her "I have one word for you: Rogaine." because she was like balding.
Dear Journal,
In Ms. Chapman's class, we had to make these tanks and we put soil and bugs in them, and I had a snail in mine, and I couldn't see the snail on the inside, so I cracked open the shell. It was still inside and I killed it, and the teacher sat me in the corner and gave me a speech on how you couldn't kill living creatures. She was crying.
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2002 9 September :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: taking back sunday - your own disaster
It was when they stopped noticing … or maybe caring … that it started. She would come home, her eyes tiny slits in her head, bloodshot and clouded so that you could barely tell the color, and walk in. One parent would not even leave their room, much less say hello, and the other would glance away from the television set for one second before dismissing her to the kitchen. It wasn’t long before she didn’t even leave the house to turn her eyes that shady grayish-green. Her absences were too many to document, and soon, teachers would mark her absent without even calling her name. And her boss grew tired of calling her house to tell her to pick up her last paycheck and drop off her uniform, and the shirt sat unused and unwashed in a corner of her room. As for her boyfriend … he probably didn’t even notice the empty gestures, as long as he was getting laid. One time he did give her his shoulder to cry on, but when she closed her eyes and muffled sobs against his shirt, he stared over her shoulder at the passing girls. Maybe he should have noticed that her eyes weren’t completely closed, and that she caught on to his emotionless hugs. And that she caught on to his looking at the passing girls, and that she knew it wasn’t the only thing he would do to some of them. The only thing that soothed her was to turn up her radio and drive to the lake, but when the drugs became more important than gas, she quit doing that, too. She stopped coming home some nights. They didn’t care. As long as she maintained her grades – which, with the help of a copy machine and a little bit of white-out, was no problem at all. Every two and a half months, she would straighten her hair, smile, and drop off her report card. And every other night, she would lie passed out on a stranger’s floor. When her parents received the phone call, they realized that was why her car had not moved in two weeks. The funeral was almost empty. She had nobody left. Once you become another statistic, you have lost everything.
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2002 4 September :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: uberzone - believe in beats
*~as ironic as it is, it is painful for me to talk on the phone with you and listen to you laugh, because it sucks to not be able to see your smile. make me stop liking you so much, because i do not want to end up getting hurt. THIS IS CLEARLY AFFECTING MY WRITING SKILLS BECAUSE I FORGOT HOW TO WRITE WELL.~*
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2002 3 September :: 2.08pm
:: Mood: dynastic
:: Music: muse - muscle museum
*~i am so happy, it is ridiculous. everything is great right now, and i am almost scared to say that because i know it will come back to haunt me later ... how did i ever score my beautiful boyfriend ? he > me by a billion ... but i will not say that ever again so that he does not catch on . on the other hand, okay. you won. are you happy ? you are more punk rock than i am, or was, or ever will be. that is all the closure i need, and hopefully all you need, so you can stop screwing me over. but i have a beautiful boyfriend now. a beautiful bouncing baby boyfriend, if you will. hahaha . and that is all that matters.~*
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2002 27 August :: 3.09pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: bright eyes - sunrise, sunset
the driveway sits
empty
longingly
like my stare
and my hand
( slick with tears )
slides off
the door ( still smelling of your kisses ) frame
and i watch the driveways
and the passing cars
who drive right over
( my broken heart lying on )
the driveway.
and they remind
me of times when
you would hold my hand and
( understand what is wrong and )
i never planned on
you leaving me
but that is what is wrong now.
and i am left alone
to console myself
and dream of
( your car always parked
on the right and
every night
i will sit at my window
and miss ) you.
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2002 25 August :: 8.11pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: venusian skyline - hands across the sea
*~i think if you actually call, i will tell the whole world. and not just because i tell everybody everything. but because i think it will be comforting to know that it is not just the beautiful ones who get everything. the chances, though, that i will actually be able to console those of us who are not so fortunate are slim, and i think i would be better off just forgetting about you before i run into you again, because then it will be easier to conceal my bloodshot eyes and tear-stained clothes. i don’t understand what i did wrong. and God, i wish somebody would just tell me, because i do it every time. i fuck things up, and i do not know how, or why, or if this is just some sign that i am not meant to fall in love, and should just stop trying. but i can’t stop trying, because all i want right now is to fall in love. and last night, somebody told me that i am full of shit, and they don’t think it will happen, and i realized that i put up with a lot of bullshit because i am so insecure and needy. i wish i could stop. gather some self-confidence and send those that put me down out of my life. but instead i take them in my arms and convince myself that they are just busy, or in a bad mood, or kidding around, and there is no need to give them a second chance because they never ruined their first one. but they have, and they will do it again, and i will put up with it again, and again, and again. and i can't breathe and my eyes are filling with tears and i have been walking around all day, waiting for them to spill over my cheeks, but they won't. they sit in my eyes, like a constant reminder that everything is wrong and nothing is right and i can't take it anymore. right now all i want to do is turn to you, look you in the eyes, and tell you how much i hate you, and see the hurt in your eyes. i want to see you feeling that pain, and i want to laugh. because, as sadistic as it is, i hate you more than anything. and the only comfort i could possibly obtain right now would be from seeing the pain in your eyes, and maybe the knife handle barely visible in your neck. i am just grateful that i learned the most dangerous places to stab somebody before i went through with anything.~* ... I do not know how I turned this journal so violently from one person to another. sorry. I will try to stick to the topic next time. Also, I am sorry I am joining the club of people with vicious journals. This is my only one, I swear. It just kind of came out.
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2002 25 August :: 11.52am
:: Mood: angry
i updated, and i was posting it, but then i realized it was better to not, so as not to offend anybody. and it fucking sucks, yo. my lack of nerve irritates the hell out of me sometimes.
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2002 24 August :: 12.26pm
:: Mood: dynastic
:: Music: fallen from the sky - beginnings
*~i wanted you to kiss me ( i think you were going to ) but inadvertently, i turned away at the wrong ( right ?) moment. in a way, i’m kind of glad i did. it makes it that much more special. and when ( if ) we finally do kiss, it will be magnificent, exquisite, and perfect, and everything a movie kiss is, and a real life kiss should be. but we are not real ... this is a movie scenario, from the introduction on my arm, to the marriage that will go down if you pierce your lip ( twice ... it’s as if somebody researched on me to find out what i wanted and brought it to me all in one beautifully wrapped package ). i know i am not in love with you, but i also know i started to fall when your hug was the only thing holding me from collapsing because my knees were weak and i don’t know if you caught me staring at you ... but i hope i will catch you staring at me. if you don’t call, i don’t think i’ll cry. but you will call, because you promised, and in the movies, boys always keep their promises.~*
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2002 21 August :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: nas - got yourself a gun
*~i couldn’t believe my luck today when i saw you walking on the other side of the room. i ran as fast as i could walk without being conspicuous and, as if on cue, you turned and smiled. the surprise almost kept me from responding, but i uttered out a “hi” and an offer which you accepted ... somewhat reluctantly, but interested enough. and the two minutes of conversation we shared (spent dodging reaching arms and annoying questions) was enough, i guess, to get you to promise to come back (to me) next time i am there. and i was thisclose to going to see you, with my lame shoebox excuse. i resisted, but hopefully you will not.~*
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2002 19 August :: 2.13pm
:: Music: jimmy eat world - the sweetness
whoa oh oh oh-oh-oh
I remember when the days were long, and the nights when the living room was on the lawn. Always the outspoken one, growing up was, true to the cliché, hard to do. I went from talking a mile a minute to learning that sometimes things come out better when you take the time to do them right. I realized that if your best friend is always the first to make a move on the guy who just broke your heart, they were not worth it in the first place, and if they were, they will bring you flowers and cry with you for an hour to fix things. I also learned that even though the work is hard and the early morning school days are just about the most difficult part of being a teenager, it is all worth it. As I look back on all I have accomplished, I realize that the things I can actually measure to put on a college transcript will not be as impressive as the class president or the valedictorian. However, if I could go back, I would not change a thing. From lessons learned by hospital visits (which took me over a year to pay off) to going 75 mph in a 45 mph zone in my best friend’s car (which took her a month or two to pay off), all these experiences have caused me to grow. In some cases, they forced me to grow up and take a look at life, and realize that the playground I am playing in now is a lot more dangerous than the swing set ever was. Nevertheless, with the chilling perils come thrilling peaks. What stands out the most of my high school years, though, are the concerts that the same group of us attend. To me, there is nothing more exciting than jumping around with three hundred other people, singing the lyrics to your favorite song. There is something about these shows that brings out the best in everyone. Perhaps it is the music, or maybe the company, for some of the most enjoyable moments were also some of the most mundane. Recently, my Saturday nights have been spent sipping sodas and playing chess at a local hangout with these very people, and I could not ask for anything more. Driving around our boring town, with the windows down, my hair flying all over the place, and the stereo turned up full blast, proves equally as entertaining. Through music, I have grown incredibly as a person and learned a lot about myself. The music I listen to inspired me to take up guitar, which, though I have not progressed due to lack of time to take lessons and practice, is one of my favorite things to do when I have aggression that I cannot get out another way. Because of the emotional lyrics, I have also started a journal of my poetry. I would have never had thought that writing could affect me, but it allows me a form of self-expression that nothing else ever has. With all the stress that being a teenager brings, an outlet is the most necessary of all items. With that, I will end with another line from the above song; I’ve packed a change of clothes and it’s time to move on.
that is my college essay ... if you bothered to read it, comment and let me know what i should change or whatever. thanks, love you, bye. *
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2002 16 August :: 4.18pm
*~does she have to share our song too ? it hurts more than i expected it to.~*
3 updates in 24 hours = crazy. they deserve at LEAST ONE COMMENT. preferably more than ten. here is my favorite conversation ever :
Akwaabat: theres nothing to do :/
susanis a winner: go see a play
Akwaabat: a play?
susanis a winner: okay .
Akwaabat: i didnt know they showed plays anywhere around here
susanis a winner: yea, i am sure we have plays .
susanis a winner: everybody loves plays .
Akwaabat: ya
Akwaabat: bleh, boca sucks
susanis a winner: haha .
susanis a winner: only if you really love palys .
susanis a winner: i mean plays .
susanis a winner: i will find you one.
Akwaabat: heh
Akwaabat: no, it just sucks
Akwaabat: heh, i dont wanna go by myself
susanis a winner: YOU LOVE PLAYS
susanis a winner: SO MUCH YOU WILL GO ALONE.
Akwaabat: i like them
Akwaabat: NUH UH
susanis a winner: Caldwell Theatre Company -- 7873 N. Federal Highway, Boca Raton. 407-832-2989 or 407-241-7380. Tickets $20 - $25. The resident company of this 305 seat theatre generally stages four different professional quality productions between September and May, and one production during July and August. Productions include contemporary and classical plays, comedies, and musicals.
susanis a winner: Royal Palm Dinner Theater -- 303 Mizner Blvd., Boca Raton. 407-392-3755. This small theater offers hit broadway musicals and comedies, as well as the occasional music concert. Please call ahead for ticket prices, performers, and showtimes.
Akwaabat: heh
susanis a winner: Delray Beach Playhouse -- 950 N.W. 9th Street, Delray Beach. 407-272-1281. Tickets $13 - $19. Talented local amateurs perform plays and musicals -- generally six different productions in winter and one in summer season. Call for more details.
susanis a winner: Little Palm Theatre -- 137 S.E. 1st Street, Boca Raton. 407-394 0206. Tickets: $6 general admission. This popular childrens' theater performs every Saturday morning at 9:15am at the Royal Palm Dinner Theater (see below). Classic childrens' stories and fairy tales performed by volunteer children and adult actors/actresses. Call for more details.
susanis a winner: that is the best one because it is children's plays. aren't those your favorite kind ?
Akwaabat: not really
susanis a winner: what are your favorite kind of plays ?
Akwaabat: i like comedies, but im not gonna go see a play tonight :/
susanis a winner: why not ? plays rule !
susanis a winner: YEA !!!
susanis a winner: SAY IT.
Akwaabat: no one to go with, and its already 10
susanis a winner: well okay .
susanis a winner: NOW SAY IT
Akwaabat: never!@
susanis a winner: SAY IT OR DIE
susanis a winner: I AM SERIOUS.
Akwaabat: some plays are good
Akwaabat: :/
susanis a winner: that is mediocre. say "plays rule" and add several exclamation points.
Akwaabat: im a mediocre person
susanis a winner: THAT IS NO EXCUSE. SAY IT OR I WILL TERMINATE THIS CONVERSATION .
Akwaabat: !
Akwaabat: fine, plays rule!!!!
susanis a winner: hahahahahahahahahahaha
susanis a winner: that was AWESOME
and later ...
Akwaabat: just wondering, do you really like plays that much?
haha. rock. bye. *
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2002 15 August :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: better ... i am always better when talking to you.
:: Music: two thirty eight - solo song
"dear journal,
today i had a fucked up day. i woke up like at 5:30 and i took a shower and after that, i ate cinnamon toast crunch and i went to school. school was fine, but not that fine, but you know, cause my math teacher made me do alll the work for tomorrow, and i don't like doing homework. i don't have anything else to tell you today, but i hope we meet later or tomorrow. sweet dreams, goodnight."
p.s. the journal below this one is also new, so check it and comment accordingly. bye. *
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2002 15 August :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: cam'ron - hey ma
*~i don’t know if those forty minutes and maybe once a month will be enough for me . if i knew from the start how this was going to end then why am i stuck here in the middle, not letting it be over ? but it is not just me . you are holding on too, and you can’t deny it. i can see it in the way you confide things in me that nobody else knows ( ... it was a night ) and the way that i am the first person you call when you are upset. it can’t all be sweet talk, can it ? because if it is, then i am ridiculous because i feel the same way. when you hugged me tonight, my eyes welled up with tears, and i bit my lip so hard that i drew blood. and you smiled, and we laughed, and we sang our song until that part we can never get past, and i wondered how i could create such a sincere smile, and you drove away after reassuring me that nothing was going to change. it is changing, though . i knew it was going to, so this should not be hard. but you had never hung up with me for somebody else before. did you have to call me back when i was in the middle of writing about you ?~*
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2002 11 August :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: bitter
:: Music: desaparecidos - what's new for fall
*~it's so good to know that i'm the only one who cares anymore. i cant believe you would throw everything we had away over something as trivial as this. and i hope when you're older and look back on your life you remember the ones who were there for you when nobody else was. and you will wonder what happened to them. and wonder why you are so alone. and pick up the phone to call somebody to comfort you, and you will have nobody to call, because you threw out the ones who really care about you for the ones who pretend to. i can see you smiling now. i am happy for your new life, because you are getting what you deserve. so enjoy it, darling, while you still have it, because this newfound happiness is fleeting. and it will soon be gone, along with everybody who used to be such an integral part of your life. you might as well throw those pictures into the fire i am using to burn mine. and together we will destroy our memories and our bond, if the fire can survive my tears.~*
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2002 6 August :: 8.09pm
:: Music: bright eyes - the calender hung itself
everybody is m o v i n g o n with their lives
up
g
n
i
w
o
r
g
and i am just
stuck
here, pounding on the window,
screaming
“wait for me”,
and nobody hears.
with my fists bloody and shards of glass
entwined in my veins, i
(in vain)
take off running in hopes of
catching up or catching on to
what it is that
they are doing
or i am not
that is causing me to be left behind but,
out of breath, i stumble and fall.
And Everybody Hears.
And Everybody Knows.
And Nobody Turns Around.
each
cold,
uncaring
step forward means
another tear they ignore.
another tear that falls
on the ground
surrounding me,
unable to move.
P a r a l y z e d w i t h d e s o l a t i o n.
and
drowning
in the sea of sorrow that
nobody is concerned over
but is leaving me
soulless.
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2002 4 August :: 9.15pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: desaparecidos - man and wife, the former (financial planning)
(Brought into this world thinking there was nothing I can’t do)
i feel like there is nothing i can do
(Taught I was special and unique and in a class of my own)
to stop feeling so alone
(Y tu dijiste que te estabas enamorando de mí)
and i always fall for the wrong ones
(pero ahora viene tu novia y te olvidas de mi)
but even if they are ugly to you, they may not be to me
(y quedamos como te dije que íbamos a quedar)
and even if you are not ugly to most, everybody is to some
(but over the years i was taught something else)
i end up in the back of your mind
(to stop being so selfish and mask my pain)
behind cooking and work and the beach and the mall
(because nobody has time to listen to me cry)
and so i begin to realize that everything is like that
and i should stop taking up your time.
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