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sendmemoney

:: 2002 1 August :: 5.09pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the used - a box full of sharp objects

i tried writing something a few minutes ago but it was forced and choppy so i decided not to post it. instead i am just posting my excuse for not updating in so long. i really have nothing to write about. my thug loves me so there is no problem. just that i have to break him and his thug girlfriend up and am going to get my ass kicked in the process. ain't no problem, nigga. baby, cause i'm a thug ... *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 22 July :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: fucked up on kava ... what is that called ?
:: Music: desaparecidos - $$$$

*~ love has taught me nothing but bitterness and remorse, and i wish i could have learned a different lesson. but instead i learned that fairy tale beginnings always take a wrong turn and you end up wondering how you did not see it from the start. and you wish the worst on somebody that, even just hours ago, you would have died for. the good part ? you get a few good journals. and you think you learned from your mistakes. but then that same special someone slips into your mind and you know that it would be stupid of you to fall back into their clutches but you can't resist and you end up torn between your head and your heart. and you think you may have broken their heart, but they had you fooled, because it was your heart that got broken.~*

tomorrow maybe i will take this down but i love the kava writings that seem brilliant one night and crappy the next sober morning. bye. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 21 July :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: i think 'longing' should be a mood
:: Music: bright eyes - a perfect sonnet



Your hand on my cheek
tongue in cheek but
my heart stops beating for

one second

that You are smiling at me
and i live off that for

two weeks

that i didn’t see You and
i don’t think

You really noticed but You say
You did so i will
lie to myself for the

tenth time

tonight that You catch me
getting caught up
in Your stare but
please tell me You don’t
mind.
even when You don’t
mean it.
i will

always

believe You
even when i know
we will

Never

be.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 18 July :: 2.02pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: rocking horse winner - tomorrow



Heart was broken on the floor and
You stepped on it
You can’t get back something
That you crushed

Crumbled into tiny pieces and now you
Just want to tape it back together
To display on your wall of achievements
But it will never be the same

There will always be the cracks
Filled with glue but still blatantly obvious

For that heart has been forever changed
And I will never be the same
We will never be the same.


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sendmemoney

:: 2002 6 July :: 12.04pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: further seems forever - snowbirds and townies

why did he bring his girlfriend, and why is she still his girlfriend ? you guys are NOT doing your job. you are BAD FRIENDS. break them up. it is your mission still, and you need to do it. bye. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 2 July :: 2.01pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: two thirty eight - a beautiful disease

*~life is just such a stupid road to tread. just one disappointment after the next, realizing that nobody cares about you; that they just need somebody to dump all their problems on, and you just happen to be the caring one. always having to say you’re fine because it would hurt too much when you said you weren’t and nobody asked what was wrong. laughing to mask the pain when you see that he will never like you but you continue to pursue him anyway. not being able to talk to anybody anymore, even those closest to you, because they just instigate argument after argument, laughing when tears well up in your eyes from frustration and continue their barrage of torment until you break down, leave the room, and take a razor to your wrists. having people that you were always there for, to take them in your arms when they needed a hug, stop talking to you little by little, maybe not even realizing it, because they have better people to talk to. people who will leave them when the trend dies, and you are the one they come to to talk about it. and you will no longer be there, and you will be looked down upon for it. life fucking sucks. i give up.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 30 June :: 10.18am
:: Music: on the might of princes - as long as she doesn't smoke

so he called. yes he did. i want him so bad, make him stop leading me on. mmm i get to see him on friday. this is your mission, all three of you that read my journal : find him, force him to break up with her, and force him to like me. because people say you can not buy love but i will prove them oh so wrong. bye. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 24 June :: 12.00am
:: Mood: forcibly creative
:: Music: the anniversary - perfectly

(...i once saw someone with a penis piercing...)
... i love forced creativity. it took me three tries to type the word "forcibly". rock.

*~i know i handed you my heart. you know it as well as i do. now it is your move and i think you forwent your turn to stay true to somebody else, which i expected you to do but never wanted you to. all i can ask is that you don’t make me sit by the phone another second longer. if i close my eyes i can see you sitting almost on top of me, holding my hand and trying to play it off as if it was not the romantic gesture i saw it as. i don’t care though. i don’t care if you want to pretend it is nothing, because i know it IS something and i know that you will be thinking about it as much as i am. so stop playing your games and take my hand like you did that night but this time, don’t let go. she can’t be that much better than me, can she ? because i can change ... i swear. if you want me to wear my visor backwards and upside down, i can do that. i promise. ~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 14 June :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: unsung zeros - postcards home



Memories of a bathroom
Mirror

(Hand clutching Wrist
dripping Pain
in the bathroom Sink while
Tears wash away any
Remnants of Agony and Distress
so nobody will notice
or even
Care.)
Erasing
Memories of dinner and
swimming. while You
are downstairs cooking
more Memories to be Cut away with
Fights and Hostility.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 10 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: better.
:: Music: haha. Dashboard Confessional, guys.

Answer questions using lyrics from only one band.

Band: Dashboard Confessional

1. Are you male or female?:

She fixes her lips, they always look perfect.

2. Describe yourself?:

Continually failing these trials.

3. How do they feel about you?:

This is one time that you can’t fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all.

4. How do you feel about yourself?:

You’re not so happy. You’re not secure.

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?:

Pushing you far away cause I’m scared.

6. What would you rather be doing?:

As for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.

7. Describe where you live?:

These roads go on forever.

8. Describe how you live?:

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep. This air is blessed, you’ll share with me. This night is wild, so calm and dull. These hearts they race from self-control … Stay quiet, stay near. Stay close, they can’t hear … so we can get some.

9. Describe how you love?:

This is incredible, starving, insatiable; yes, this is love for the first time.

10. Share a few words of wisdom?:

We’re not 21, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 10 June :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: desaparecidos - happiest place on earth

*~ready for battle, armed with your excuse to shield you and a sword with which to cut my heart into pieces. i am so tired of having to guess at whether or not you are silently laughing when you apologize for the misunderstanding that has triggered this new flow of tears. but there is no need to guess anymore because it is obvious. there are only so many times that you can get away with the same stupid shit over and over ... and this is the last one. but i guess i am the one who is full of stupid shit because i know you will calm my fears in five minutes and i will be back to waiting by the phone and dressing to impress you and it will never matter anyway. you don’t even care anymore when you see the pain i am going through ... you just pretend not to notice. maybe if you would look into my eyes you would realize that it hurts so bad. that i can’t do it anymore. that i am done with you and all your stupid lies. and that you, like every other nice guy in this world, are not that way. it is all a façade. a stupid disguise to lure stupid girls like me into falling for you so you can indulge your sadistic desires. so there, i am done. at least until next time.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 6 June :: 11.56pm
:: Mood: fine.
:: Music: thrice - betrayal is a symptom

It
hurts
To
Be
used.

is that poetic enough ?

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 3 June :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: gimp - funkin' a

can i lick your hairline ? dee dee-dee !
hahaha. first let me point out my mood. "good". it is just so plain compared to all the other moods.

*~vast space surrounding us, just us, alone in this beautiful paradise. the curves of your back gleaming in the sun, far away, and as i come closer i can almost feel your arms around me. holding me tight so that i don’t fall … but that can’t be the only reason ... (at least i hope it’s not). you run your hands through your flawless hair ... (how is it so perfect right now ?) ... and then compliment mine. how are you so perfect right now ? you know all the right things to say, and i almost start to wonder if it is all an act, but it can’t be. the look in your eyes gives it away, though it is probably just reflecting from mine when i look you in the eyes and stand there forever remembering how i feel when i sit next to you with my head on your shoulder, our hands intertwined as if we were meant to be. which i really feel like we are ...~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 23 May :: 11.05pm

*~laughter echoes around me and i stare down at my star rings and twirl them around and around. i am just so sick of everything lately ... i can’t even bother to pretend anymore. don’t tell me what to do. maybe if i had somebody to talk to, i would be doing that. you don’t know what it is like ... just let me sit silently sipping my water and smoothing my hair back, while everybody moves around me with the sole purpose of insignificant conversation. i don’t even care anymore how insignificant it is, i just want to be a part of it. of something. you know how everybody has those times where they just feel like they belong ? does everybody have it ? because i am still waiting for mine. except i don’t know if it is worth waiting for. why should i waste my time on something that is coming sixteen years too late ? on a lighter note, i love how everybody around me is crying their hollow tears at all the pictures and songs that come on. it means my tears will go unnoticed. though i do not know why i waste my time trying to hide them. they always go unnoticed. just somebody tell me what to do. i will sit and listen and find out what it is that you’re looking for and that is what i will become. epitomize myself into your perfect vision and then maybe i will have a chance with you. or anyone. and stop talking to me only when i have something you want. no wonder you were so eager to say hi when i walked through the door. and stop talking to me only when you are bored. all i want is for you to talk to me ... don’t you get it ?? can’t you understand that i am not going to pursue you if i see you backing off but you are all i think of and all i want ? maybe somewhere else i would be better off. anywhere but here. so just stop. just everybody stop.~*

sorry this journal sucks. i entered random words into my computer because i was tired of seeing the same fucking entry with no comments. bye. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 13 May :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: taking back sunday - you know how i do

(...DON'T TURN HERE...)
*~when i made the decision to give you what you wanted and let you go without a fight or even a good-bye, i displayed no outward signs of emotion – maybe i even had a smile on my face – while my soul wept. i walked you halfway to your car and hugged you, knowing that it was probably the last time i would, and letting you go while holding you so tightly i saw stars. i whispered one last thing to you, hoping it was the way you would remember me and maybe you would want to return. breathing your scent off my shirt, cologne and passion fruit lingering in the air, i walked inside and upstairs to bed, so i could lie and think of you and write a million journals that i would never post. and i knew that letting you go was like medicine for me. i knew it would make me better, it was all for the best, but it was so hard to swallow that i almost choked. and i know i am supposed to be letting you go, but i can not renounce you completely at once. so i sit here wondering if you are remembering that night that you saw the shooting star, and i wonder if maybe you think that the shooting star was the least magical part of that whole evening. i do.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 12 May :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: still sick, as it has only been one hour
:: Music: gimp - old skool

(...i saw a shooting star...)
*~we were both so nervous it was almost funny. or maybe it was all in my imagination. looking back, i wish i had the confidence or you had the desire to lean over and make the first move. at the same time, i was so comfortable just sitting there, feet dangling, hands clasped in my lap, that i did not want to change anything about the moment. time is so fleeting, and i would have given the world to stop it so that i could sit there with you forever, brushing back my hair and looking into your beautiful eyes, talking about anything and everything as if we had been best friends for years. i knew that the thoughts running through my head were not the same as yours, but i could not help but convince myself for those few minutes that perhaps they were ; perhaps one day you would look back on this night and see it in the glorious light i will always see it in. when will you call me one of a kind ?~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 12 May :: 9.02pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: starting line - from start to finish

kiersten loaned me "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". she is hot, i want her. especially when her vagina is showing. in it, there is a poem, and the person who reads the poem does not know who wrote it, so i also do not know. but it is so excellent. just so excellent. here it is.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Chops”
because that was the name of his dog
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s
and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Autumn”
because that was the name of the season
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write moer clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
And that’s what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
Because that’s what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think
he could reach the kitchen.
- anonymous

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 7 May :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: shakira - quiero

*~sentada, frustrada, y condenada a vivir una vida en que nunca seré feliz. porque me dejas aquí esperando té si no vas a volver ? dime ahora si te parezco fea o degenerada para no gastar mi tiempo en ti. Sé que por hartas semanas me quedare pensando en tigo pero por lo menos estaré preparada a soltarte sin destruirme completamente. no te quedes escondido sin decirme si hamas vas a volver. no me puedo resistir otra desilusión como la de la semana pasada, entonces no me vayas a dejar ilusionada como siempre si me vas a mentir otra vez de por que no puedes venir. no tengo donde ir me si me voy de ti pero me saldré de tu vida si eso es lo que tu deseas.~*

i do not feel like translating it. haha. go to an online translator. and no, the second line has nothing to do with expecting tea. those things kill it. you are better off waiting until i decide to translate it. whores. bye. *

... 5 - 9 - 02 ... Happy National Orgasm Day, guys. have a good night. here goes.

*~sitting, frustrated, and condemned to live a life in which i will never be happy. why do you leave me here waiting for you if you are not going to return ? tell me now if i appear ugly or degenerated to you, so i do not waste any more time. i know that for many weeks i will be thinking of you but at least i will be prepared to let you go without being completely destroyed. don't stay hidden without telling me if you are ever going to return. i can't withstand another disappointment like last week, so don't leave me with high hopes if you are going to lie again as to why you can't come. i don't have anywhere to go if i leave you but i'll get out if your life if that is what you so desire.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 29 April :: 10.58pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: cypress hill - i wanna get high

haha ... nothing corresponds ... not the music, or the mood, or the entry. but you love it.

*~the sinking sun’s light reflecting in your eyes made it hard for me to look at you without being blinded ... it was difficult to look at you in the first place. i wish this had not turned out the way it did. as you walk out of my life, don’t hesitate. keep walking, and stop turning back, unless you’re so damn sadistic that you want to see me lying broken in my own self-pity. you know how hard this was – how hard this is – so why do you keep pretending that nothing has changed ? how can you act like nothing is different when nothing at all is the same ? i lost some of the most important things to me in that week because of you, and you did nothing to help me regain them. so don’t try and make me out to be the bad guy, because this was not me. and if it is pity that you are after, this is the wrong place to look, because i have none to give to you. not that you deserve it ... but i did want this to work.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 24 April :: 10.49pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: something corporate - walking by

(...sometimes careful consideration can be the cataract that induces a revelation of peace...)
as for the music : you guys got me. mainly alyson, kiersten and danielle.

*~i don’t want to hear it. if you say you didn’t do anything, you are right. but sometimes it is what you don’t do that hurts the most. and then there is what you did do. the discomfort of this situation is not completely your fault ... but mainly, it is. and the fact that you fail to realize why i am so uncomfortable and upset only adds to the wall being built between us. even though there is no us anymore. maybe that is the key factor in my irrationality. maybe i am just finding things to blame you for to mask my sadness (if i am yelling at you, you will not notice my tears). i don’t know if i am writing this for you or for myself, but i hope you never see it. before, that same desire was meaningless to you ... maybe this time you will be less filled with spite and more with a need to restore what we had before all this happened. it all happened so fast. you were my best friend ... of three weeks (if we can’t get it back, does that mean it was never real ?) ... is that even long enough to develop a true friendship ? it seems to be taking me so long to get over all this ... i will be perfectly fine, then that stupid song that i love will come on ... and i will hate it ... and hate you. maybe if i delete it from my computer i will be alright. if only life were that simple.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 22 April :: 10.09pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: rainer maria - broken radio

(...kissmekissmekissme...)
*~track three comes on … i didn't realize i had put this song on here. too late to turn it off, my eyes close and i lean back against the wall, memories washing over me. how i was standing next to you, wishing you would put your arms around me and we could hold each other, even if you hate this music (do you hate me ? ) . how you would lean in so close to me and my heart would start racing and just as your lips were about to graze mine you would turn your head slightly and talk over the music into my ear (are you doing this deliberately ?) . and on your way out, how you made it seem like you did want me to call ... even if you did not get my number. so i did. your turn ... even though i think it will be your turn for a long, long time.~*

so guys, i am using 69% of my storage on hotmail. i can not accept or delete any messages ever again. haha.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 20 April :: 10.59am
:: Mood: high
:: Music: bob marley - no woman no cry

sssmmokin weed !
merry 420 guys. hahaha i am not yet high but give me an hour. i got one phone call < love you marc > wishing me a happy 420 ... my goal is two. because that is how many friends i have. so call me if you want to love me and listen to me all high. love you bye.

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 18 April :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: brand new - the shower scene

(...there is nothing better than being shot down repeatedly for six hours straight...)
*~i am breaking down. i can't handle it. i do not know where to look to avoid crying, or at least to not let anybody see me cry. all the images from the past few hours spinning in my head and i can't believe what i saw, can't stand reliving it, and can't escape it. is it even that bad ? things always seem so insignificant until i stand in a corner of a room, trying to blend in so nobody realizes that i am all alone like always, and then they just blow up and occupy my entire being, leaving me empty and on the verge of tears. seeing everybody laughing and having the time of their life just onsets it. not that the music does much to stop it. the memories i have related to one song after the next, some with people who have no idea that the song, to me, is about them, come rushing out in a flood of tears. thoughts colliding leave me no option but to hide in a corner until this is all over. i have no idea how to react to any of this. how can i tell you that just looking at you is painful ? even the back of your head is enough to make me break down. all i can do is avoid you until this all passes. on some aspects, i wish this night would last forever, but most of my time is spent contemplating how long it would take me to get home if i started walking now. and then wondering if anybody would notice. but i stick it out. grin and bear it. in the end, that seems to be my favorite way to pass the time. why do i put myself into situations where i know i am not wanted and will just go home and write about later ? nothing makes sense to me anymore. especially not this night.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 14 April :: 9.42pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: brand new - sudden death in carolina

.:.tubas keep kids off drugs.:.
i just wanted to update because i had the best time ever today. te amo mi vida :) and i got things for some people, even if it is stupid things, and i am so excited. and i hope they know how much i love them even if i can only get them stupid things. and i got the best hat ever. viagra racing. hells yea ... and i talked to my tampa beautiful boy and he is totally going to be at orbit in may. rock ! beautiful boys are excellent. and hopefully i get to go to dashboard. and hopefully, 420 will be most excellent. i will post a million things that day just because i want it to be all "4-20-2002" ... 420 rocks. haha ... okay, love you guys, bye. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 8 April :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: shot down ! rock ... my favorite mood.
:: Music: brand new - the no seatbelt song

*~i finished my ice cream and dropped my spoon. i always drop my spoon. i don’t know why i bothered telling you. maybe i was hoping to make the conversation flow to the point where i would think that maybe i had a chance. either way, it did not work, so my purpose is irrelevant. i think i was half crazy to bother raising my hopes high enough to care so much ... i think you do not care about any of this. so why do i keep talking ? i guess it is my way of forcing you to stay and like me. you don't, and i am dumb. but repeat it as i may, you don’t ever contradict me. so i will spend my last 9 minutes making pointless conversation, then erase this from my memory and not bother you again. but can i ask you a favor ? will you put up with me for these last 9 minutes so i can go to sleep and have one last dream about you ?~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 4 April :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: shot down. rock !
:: Music: shakira - antologia

i just started listening to the Pies Descalzos cd that i burned; Shakira's first cd. it is so excellent. and one of the songs has the best lyrics in the world, much better than anything i could ever write, so i am posting them in spanish, then i will attempt to translate and rhyme it so you can get the same effect. or you could run it though an online translator. the the housewife. love susan. bye. *

Para amarte necesito una razón, y es difícil creer que no exista una más que este amor.
Sobra tanto dentro de este corazón que a pesar de que dicen que los años son sabios todavia se siente el dolor.
Porque todo el tiempo que pasé junto a ti dejo tejido su hilo dentro de mi.
Y aprendí a quitarle al tiempo los segundos.
Tú me hiciste ver el cielo aún más profundo.
Junto a ti creo que aumenté más de 3 kilos con tus tantos dulces besos repartidos.
Dessarollaste mi sentido del olfato y fué por ti que
aprendí a querer los gatos.
Despegaste del cemento mis zapatos para escapar los dos volando un rato.
Pero olvidaste una final instruccion porque aún no sé como vivir sin tu amor.
Y descubrí lo que significa una rosa.
Me enseñaste decir mentiras piadosas para poder verte a horas no adecuadas,
y a reemplazar palabras por miradas.
Y fué por ti que escribí más de 100 canciones, y hasta perdoné tus equivocaciones.
Y conocí más de mil formas de besar, y fué por ti que descubrí lo que es amor.

it is better in english without my stretching to rhyme and failing.

*~To love you I need a reason.
And it’s hard to believe that there’s no other one but this love.
There is so much left over in this heart that even though they say that the years make you wise, I still feel all this pain.
Because all the time I spent with you left your threads woven in me.
I learned to take the seconds out of hours.
You made me see the sky as more profound.
I gained at least 3 pounds with you around me, with your many charming kisses on my body.
You unraveled my intuition.
And it was for you that I learned to love cats.
You released my shoes from being stuck on tile, so we could escape and fly away for awhile.
But you forgot one last instruction.
Because I don’t know how to live without your love.
I discovered the real meaning of a rose.
You taught me to tell lies that are somewhat moral, so I could go see you at indecent times, and to replace words with glances and sighs.
It was for you that I wrote 100 songs and I even learned to forgive all your wrongs.
I learned more than 1000 ways to kiss, and for you I learned what love is.~*

like it, love it, want more of it. hahaha bye. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 1 April :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: ozma - korobeiniki

*~i am missing everything about you. i wish there was something i could do to get you back … even if we were never really together. maybe all i need is closure. something to let me know that, even if you stopped caring, you did at one point. that i wasn’t some cheap infatuation to you, like to anybody else who has ever looked twice at me. more often than not, however, those looks are filled with disdain … resembling yours now. the scornful looks you send my way, thinking i did not notice, burn holes in my heart. was what i did so wrong ? i thought we talked, and it was okay. i don’t know whether i would rather have you continue to live your life, taking cautious steps to avoid me, or confront you about what is going on and have whatever words you have to say to me set my heart aflame and rid me of all that I have left. at this point it is not much, but i have learned to subsist on very little from others ... and nothing at all from you. but i don’t want to live my life this way. not when i know how much better you could make it. does that matter to you ? i know you’ll never read these words ... maybe that is why i can write them so freely. the last effort i made at writing something for you did not turn out as planned ... in fact, it drove you further and caused more heartbreak for the both of us. but just so you know, you were not the only one with a broken heart. not everything is always as it seems. maybe sometimes though, it is better that you remain oblivious to my emotions ... they would not bother you in the least, but to know that they do not affect you would affect me tremendously. so i will shut up, paste a smile on my face, and nobody will ever know the difference.~*

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 1 April :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: death cab for cutie - information travels faster

i am pretty, guys ! ....



april fools ! hahaha. that was lame, yo. but at least now i will be able to write in my journal again. hells yea ! bye. *

p.s. making out is fun. everybody should do it at least twice a week. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 28 March :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: roni size - dirty beats

guys, i feel SO pretty today. i will let you know monday night if i am still pretty. love you, bye. *

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sendmemoney

:: 2002 28 March :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: starting line - from start to finish

*~the first time i looked in your eyes since everything happened, the cold stare that met my eyes was that of a stranger. now i can’t look anymore. every time i pass you i have to look away; to try and hide the sadness in my eyes. i want to try again. to make an attempt to revive all that was lost between us. does any of this matter to you ? i have tried various times, and it has brought me nothing but sleepless nights and endless tears. every time you reject my advances, it kills me just a little more. but maybe that is what you are going for, because it would not matter to you, just make everything a little more convenient. it’s not right. How can you just throw out everything we had ? i forewarned you and apologized anyway ... i need you in my life. you said it wouldn’t change anything. so how come nothing’s the same ?~*

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