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2002 27 March :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: brand new - last chance to lose your keys
*~the realization hit me today … my life is truly beautiful. flowers on my nightstand reminding me that i am loved, and no, it does not always have to be about a boy. the sweet scent lingering in my room brings me comfort; comfort only a best friend can bring. it was a gracious and beautiful effort, and it rid me of the jealousy and anger than had afflicted me. the long wait brought sweet rewards and provoked thought. maybe everything was for the best. maybe i needed to experience what i did to realize that i should not be so quick to give away my heart and rush into relationships. give them time to blossom and grow, if you will, rather than forcing it. it was a lesson well taught and well learned and through the pain i experienced these past few days, i learned to better appreciate all that i have. now i have my enemies down to one. and tracy no longer hates me. so i am back to being great, and it is very excellent. love you guys. i do not know if that was poetry, prose, or just a mix ... but i gave it my best shot. i am out of touch, as i have not updated poetry in awhile. and yes, marc, the middle part is about my ice pops.~*
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2002 25 March :: 9.12pm
:: Music: sister hazel - all for you
..:..Finally..:..
somebody i talk to online asked if i write stories, and i replied that i have never attempted to. seeing as how you have all read my poetry and realized it sucks, i will now post my first story, so you can realize it sucks. i would have just ignored his comment and posted another lame poem, but right now i do not know if i want the whole world reading what i am writing, as people read my journal even if i tell them not to. here goes.
*~As she ran her fingers over the scars, she remembered. Memories in pieces floated through her mind. The screaming, the tears, the frantic dialing of the telephone. After that, all was black, until the next day, when she had to face her family members and explain her actions to psychiatrist after psychiatrist. Several bottles of pills lay hidden and untouched in her bottom dresser drawer; pills she had saved to sell to classmates and refused to take. Alone in her room for the first time since that dark day almost one year ago, she cried. She hated the façade. Hated having to wear long sleeves to continue the perpetual lie. Hated making up reasons for her visit to the hospital that day and her weekly visits to her psychiatrists. Maybe one day..., she thought. Maybe one day they will all understand. Understand that she can not stand the pity and that is why she always keeps a smile on her lips. Maybe one day somebody will look at her eyes and realize that they do not sparkle the way they used to so long ago. Realize that they will never sparkle again. As she sat there, thoughts whirling in her head and tears streaming down her cheeks, with nobody to call and slowly becoming aware of the fact that nobody cared enough to call her once in awhile, she considered the possibility. The solution to end all the problems that had plagued her for so long. The option that had never really left her mind, though she had so frequently said that it had. With the path already paved for her, all it would take was a second, and she would never again have to smile. Not that she ever had any reason to ... her mind made up, she glanced around her room at pictures of friends that she had barely said five words to in the past week and the boyfriends who had never cared for her. With their encouraging eyes upon her, she took a blade to her wrist and traced over the lines. Rivers of blood caressed her skin like silk, comforting her and acting as a cataract to evoke the first real smile in over two years and the realization that she would finally be at peace.~*
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2002 23 March :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: angry
i'd just like to announce that it is "betray susan" week. if you want to betray me, do it now.
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2002 20 March :: 9.55pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: incubus - mexico
*~sometimes all i can do is sit back, let the tears slide down my cheeks, and wonder why it is that i don’t seem to deserve anything beautiful. i was fine without you before i knew what i was missing … but you came and showed me your rays of splendor, then took the sparkle out of my eyes to add to them, leaving my eyes dull and me heart-broken. i thought i was strong, but every time somebody so much as looks as me i break down. i don’t want to talk about it because i hate the pity. but it just hurts. i feel so betrayed that i let my guard down wrongfully. i instilled faith in something that i shouldn’t have, and i gave away my heart to somebody who cared not for it. i know you are never coming back for me, so i will slowly begin rebuilding my heart for the next person that i will give it to, who will probably throw it away like you did. shard by shard, i will pick up my shattered heart and glue it together with the memories of times long gone. and every time a car pulls into my driveway, i will close my eyes and say a silent prayer that it is yours, coming to take me away to the paradise we used to dream of together.~*
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2002 16 March :: 12.04am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: get up kids - i'll catch you
*~you did it. you removed all doubt. are you happy now ? because i’m not. the only way you could possibly hurt me any more is by falling in love with my best friend … which, to be honest, would not surprise me, because everybody does. not that i’m blaming anybody. if i met a boy that beautiful, i would fall in love with him too. and you know what ? i did. but of course i got my heart broken. i am not beautiful enough to avoid that. it just completely blows me away that i could think i meant so much to you when really, i meant nothing at all. why me ? out of everybody … i do all i can to avoid hurting people, and in the end, it did me no good. so what’s the point in trying to make something work when all signs point to NO ? the best day of my life was completely ruined by the worst night of my life. 3-15-02, if i may quote The Starting Line. this is just such complete bullshit. and i hate cursing in my journal, because poetry is supposed to be powerful, and if you can’t be powerful without cursing, then you are a terrible writer. but you know what ? fuck this. i don’t deserve this. and i hold myself in such low regard that i take a lot of crap. but not this. this is the worst kind of pain. i don’t want it. just take it back. and you know what the worst part is ? that even though you hurt me so much, i did love you. i probably still do. but i can't think about that now. not when i can barely read what i am writing because my vision is blurred with tears. i did not get to say it earlier, so here. good bye.~*
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2002 14 March :: 10.23pm
:: Mood: pleased
:: Music: holly tree - punk party
*~love isn’t something that can be bought. and though everybody makes mistakes, no amount of money or gifts can win back the love and respect that went out the door when you did so long ago. right now i really needed that favor from you, but i will not ask it if it means that you will then expect things from me in return. no matter what you do or say, things will not be the same, ever. but just stop. stop with all the nonchalant comments that you want me to reply to with an “i love you” because it will never happen again. and yea, it would be great if you could do me this one little favor. but if it means giving up my pride along with it … forget it. for the caramel popcorn, yes. but not for you. never again.~*
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2002 12 March :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: starting line - thirty
*~excitement at seeing you soon overrides my doubts. have i finally found a solution to my most persistent problem ? with this solved, i no longer have obstacles blocking my path to true and utter happiness. would you like to take this walk with me ? i can not make it there without you … only you know the way, and i am begging you to lead me. caminaremos hasta que estemos casi muertos, pero no nos importara, porque estariamos juntos por siempre. tu me das la fuerza que necesito cada día, y con tí junto a mí, puedo hacer lo que sea. solo pienso en ti, y me tienes casi loca con amor. ya estoy que no sé nada más que tu nombre en mi mente, pero parece que eso es lo que me hace mas feliz, entonces pa qué me trato de quitarlo ? no necesito nada más que tu - todo lo otro es tratando de pasar el tiempo hasta que te pueda ver otra vez. y cada vez que te veo es major que la última, porque tu sabes lo que decirme para calmarme y mantenerme contenta hasta que te pueda ver en una semana. pero esperaré, sabiendo que lo que me espera es sufficiento esquisito que esperaria toda mi vida por el.~*
*~translation : we will walk until we are almost dead, but it will not matter, because we will be together always. you give me the strength i need each day, and with you near me, i can do anything. i only think about you, and you have me nearly crazy with love. i am at the point that i do not know anything more than your name on my mind, but it seems that that is what keeps my happy, so why should i try to change it ? i do not need anything more than you - everything else is an attempt to pass the time until i can see you again. and each time i see you is better than the last, because you know what to say to calm me and keep me content until i can see you again in a week. but i will wait, knowing that what waits for me is exquisite enough that i would wait my whole life for it.~*
Note : It is a lot better in Spanish. haha. but i guess that is just an excuse for my lamer than lame writing. bye. *
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2002 11 March :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: aquagen - hard to say i'm sorry
*~i can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be on your side of things. i seem to be so full of insecurities, questions, and flaws, that i can’t imagine having to deal with somebody like me. am i a burden to you ? is the load even worth carrying anymore ? you say all the right words and do all the right things, but even that’s not enough to calm my fears and hinder my tears … tears that may or may not be necessary. when you held me, looked me in the eyes, and told me i was wrong to doubt, nothing could have been better. but i need that so frequently and it is not fair to ask that of you. when you write, are you thinking of me ? or are all your songs for others you have loved before or others you love now ? compliments are so easy to come by that they do nothing to soothe my worries. are the constant compliments honest opinions ? i wish i could know for sure.~*
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2002 10 March :: 10.24pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: starting line - cheek to cheek
*~ Happy anniversary to me ... i did not get to see my boyfriend. Sad anniversary to me ... :( but i wanted to update since i have not in several days, unless you count changing that one entry. bye guys.~*
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2002 6 March :: 11.08pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: furax - the joke of all time
*~i made it. and i am still as infatuated with you as ever. maybe more. and you ? hardly. do you still think of me constantly like you used to ? when i first met you, i wished on the moon, because it’s always there, and the stars aren’t. but the moon has made it’s cycle … i think you have too. i hope not. more than anything i want you to look me in the eyes, and let me see that you really do want me, and will continue to. let me know that these feeling i have are being returned, and not wasted. so i will wish on my lucky stars, because the moon doesn’t seem to work for me, and maybe this friday all my dreams will come true.~*
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2002 5 March :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: mest - what's the dillio
*~i will never be able to forgive you. i will always harbor this bitter resentment left over from the wound you cut so deep into my heart. but i love you. the anger i contained masked my love, and for a long time, i didn’t realize it. things change. i am beginning to see that there is more to you than just the things i hate you for. all the elements of the past, lost in a pile of old clothes and photographs. the times you were there for me. made me feel cherished. told me i was beautiful inside and out, and that anybody would be lucky to be graced with one of my smiles, at times where i was at my lowest. named reason after reason for me to live when i could no longer find one. so many wonderful times that i lost sight of because of the fury that i held within. everybody makes mistakes, some larger than others. i will forever remember your mistakes, but everybody deserves a second ... or third chance.~*
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2002 5 March :: 8.15am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: death cab for cutie - line of best fit
*~remembering seems to be all that i have.~*
Q: What happens when you bring exotic animals to a school assembly ?
A: There is panda-monium.
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2002 4 March :: 9.37pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: oleander - i walk alone
*~the scene is perfect, and the situational irony will never cease to amaze me. i finally found somebody ; somebody that i will never tire of, that i could see every second of every day and still crave more, and yet, i still do not have what i want. if only i lived a little farther north. if only i had my license just a little sooner. then maybe my thirst for you could finally be quenched. why do you have to be so irresistible ? maybe if you had a flaw or two, i could be stronger, but you don’t, and i can’t. the only thing keeping me from walking out the door and into your heart is the belief that maybe you don’t want me there as badly as i want to be there. but if you give me the comfort i long for, and a minute to slip on my shoes, i will be there at your side for as long as you will let me stay.~*
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2002 3 March :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: sugar ray - answer the phone
*~chase away these fears of mine forever. it seems i will never be without them. i hate it. i hate not being able to accept your “i love you”s for what they are – expressions of affection – without having the doubt in the back of my mind that you are leading me on. it seems the only times that i am truly happy are when i am with you and these thoughts slip away, but the second you leave they come back to haunt me, and i spend my sleepless nights contemplating what i can possibly do to assure my place in your heart. is there anything ? anything at all that would guarantee that you would never leave my side ? “i’d go through hell for you” … even more so if it meant that i could rest peacefully, reassured that i would wake up from dreams of you to the blissful reality that would await.~*
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2002 2 March :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: shakira - ojos asi
*~the best moment in my life occurred this morning, when you proved wrong all the doubts in my mind. seeing your name on the caller ID made my heart stop. not knowing whether you were calling to prove me wrong or right had my whole body cold. answering fearfully, hoping i would not break down. disenchantment forcing me to forget how excellent you are, to make this easier on myself. your words bring it all back, and my whole face lights up in the smile that never leaves my lips when i am talking to you. i don’t even know how to phrase these thoughts running through my head. and i will never understand how one simple phone call can so drastically alter my whole life. maybe because you are my life. and knowing that makes me the happiest girl in the world.~*
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2002 1 March :: 10.55pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: death cab for cutie - line of best fit
*~maybe he’s better off with her. or any of them. anybody but me. i wish i could understand the injustices of life. how i can finally let somebody in, giving up all my beliefs, and have them not care. be under the impression that this is all worth it, and have them see it completely differently. i should have known. it should have been a warning to me that my good friends were all put in the same position as me, but with different results. i thought with my heart instead of my head and it left me sitting here with tear-stained cheeks and a shattered heart. there is nothing left to be said. when i avoided all this, even without knowing what devastating conclusions it would come to, it was the smartest thing i have ever thought to do. but what’s done is done, and nothing else can be done to change the outcome of this situation. tonight came and went, and was everything i never wanted it to be, but saw coming a mile away. if only i could have not gone through this. not have had my heart ripped out, one piece at a time. just not have a heart, like before. because i thought it was worth all the pain in the world, until all the pain in the world was slowly applied to me and i realized how truly overwhelming it is.~*
there are no better lyrics for this situation:
"close-lipped, another good night kiss is robbed of all its passion. your grip, another time is slack, it leaves me feeling empty. please tell me you're just feeling tired, cos if it's more than that, i feel that i might break."
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2002 28 February :: 8.58pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: death cab for cutie - the employment pages
* * * * * i just want to say, i am very excited that i found a great font. and the stars actually look like stars. and i also found a picture, and my journal is just super great. i am a pimp, yo. and marc ... i love you more than anything, please love me, please ? * * * * *
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2002 28 February :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: death cab for cutie - your bruise
*~in the blink of an eye, everything i thought was pure and good turned upside down, leaving me jaded. so badly i prayed not to hurt anyone, to not let myself be the bad one. the roles were reversed, and i am feeling what i inflicted on others. i don’t know whether to be thankful or just cry myself to sleep, for the pain is so bad. it has come to this. i was right to avoid it, to not let myself be pulled into this trap. but now i am stuck here, with nobody to pull me out. so i will sink further and further into oblivion, and wish i had not been love struck enough to have fallen into this hole in the first place.~*
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2002 27 February :: 8.07pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: death cab for cutie - champagne from a paper cup
*~your reassurance is not enough for me. i want to see you, to hold you, to feel the love that you promise me is there. i can't wait any longer … i need you now. if walking is what it takes, so be it. i would walk for the rest of my life if it meant you would be waiting at the end. i check my watch for the third time this minute, but the end of the night is no closer. will it ever be friday ?~*
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2002 26 February :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: death cab for cutie - bend to squares
*~as I sit here, my thoughts are plagued with doubt. something is amiss, and all I want is for things to feel right again. insecurities i thought were gone rise up again the instant you turn away, and all i want is to never let you leave. the situation i was most scared of turned out to be the one i can not live without … and i fear i am losing it for reasons unknown. i let my guard down, only to be let down in the end. such highs and lows in such a short period of time that i worry my heart can only take so much. the fluctuations will kill it, and i will remain as i was before; never truly content. why did you take me into this exquisite paradise only to remove me from it the second i saw its true beauty ? i can not live in this world of black and white when I know what lies in another, but i can not be transported there without you, and you do not want to be there with me.~*
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2002 25 February :: 10.10pm
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: get up kids - i'll catch you
2-24-02
*~overcome by emotion with your gentle touch; your loving caress. you take my hand and my heart bursts with joy. sitting in the car, hand in hand. there is no need for words, as long as you feel how i do. that i could never let you go. sin ti no puedo vivir. te daria mi vida si te quedas con migo solo un segundo mas. mi corazon es dedicado a ti, y sin ti me quedaria muerta, sin razon para vivir. acostado junto a ti, no puedo pedir nada mas, porque tu eres mi todo; lo unico que necesito por siempre.~*
for marc, the translation :
*~without you, i can not live. i would give you my life if you stay with me only one second longer. my heart is dedicated to you, and without you i would be dead, without a reason for living. lying next to you, i can not ask for anything else, because you are my everything; the only thing i need for always.~*
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2002 25 February :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: get up kids - valentine
1-27-02
*~i want to feel like i did that day, when you looked me in the eyes and, without a word, told me i was the prettiest girl in the world. that i was all that mattered, or ever would matter to you. i want you to take my hand in yours and remind me that you can't live without me, and i am amazing. please just put your arms around my waist and show me that you can't see how anybody could ever give me up. i have never felt your kiss, but i long to, because everything i wish you thought of me is true about you.~*
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2002 25 February :: 10.04pm
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: cristian castro - por amarte asi
1-27-02
*~one week is too long before i can see you again. even one minutes is too much. the distance kills me. run away with me, and we will never be apart. i could see you every day, every minute, every second, for all eternity. even then, it will not be enough time to take you all in. i wish i could be with you ... my troubles would float away ... everything would disappear but you. alone is our own seperate world together. i would give anything to see you now ... i'm sorry if i'm bothering you. i just wanted to hear you breathe.~*
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2002 25 February :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: chemical brothers - it began in africa
1-27-02
*~i sneak a glance at you and hope you do not see me. i know you will, but i can't help it. looking in your eyes, they go on forever. i wish this night would. lying next to you like i have known you forever. i wish i had. if only i had met you sooner, then my life would have been wonderful from the start. i am drawn to you, wanting to press my lips to yours. i wish you would. i can't get enough of you. i wish i could kiss you. desire consumes me, but i do not move so as not to ruin this perfect moment. frozen in place by this magical feeling. lying next to you, stealing glances, and maybe one day, kisses.~*
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2002 25 February :: 9.55pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: mest - what's the dillio
1-19-02
*~i look down at my hands to avoid looking at a world which, before my very eyes, is crumbling. i can not keep up this smile any longer. time and time again, my scares have not even begun to heal when they are reopened and i am hurt again. i thought i had built an immunity because for so long i let it all smile. but it hurts so bad ... i just want it all to end.~*
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2002 25 February :: 9.52pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: saves the day - sometimes, new jersey
1-17-02
*~my hopes rose so high when you asked for my number. dizzy with elation, i thought my heart would burst. it did burst today, for adverse reasons. waiting by the phone for hours so longingly, hopefully, only to be disappointed again and again with each new ring. expecting a sweet apology for the long wait, which will never come, because i never got that call. one call that means so much. my heart pounds wildly at the mere mention of your name ... do you still remember mine ?~*
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2002 25 February :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: saves the day - freakish
1-15-02
*~you rinse your coffee cup and smile affectionately but i will never again return that smile. for i know that it is lies; a disguise to hide what you concealed for so long. pure hatred, anger, coarses through my viens. sixteen years of respect down the drain with your morning coffee. night after night of drinking binges, with you locked in your office, passed out, or talking to your whore. taking my hand or loving glances will have no effect because for one year, you went through the motions emotionless.~*
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2002 25 February :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: saves the day - jukebox breakdown
1-13-02
*~i need you to stop talking; need to stop hearing the pain in your voice. it is all my fault, but there is nothing i can do. you reach over and take my hand. i know you yearn for my touch ... i also know we will never be. i knew from the start - why did i let this continue ? i can't take it, can't listen to you, when i know there is no solution, only problems. please stop. i need your understanding. if only i had been strong and resisted temptation. but it felt so right to feel your arms around me. i can not keep this up. leading you on, then breaking your heart. this is the last time we will talk, because neither of us should take this anymore.~*
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2002 25 February :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: oleander - i walk alone
12-26-01
haha, i use the word contemplative, and that is my mood. okay, here.
*~watching what you do. your laugh, your smile, your quiet, contemplative look. but tearing my eyes away out of fear that you will see me yearning for you. though you do not see it, i do. your true beauty; the wondrousness of your ways. how you bring a smile to my face. joy to a world in which i thought it had ceased to exist. walking out, i long to turn back. to take your hand, hold you close, and feel your lips upon mine. but it will never be. i have done nothing to deserve you ... and you are too good to deserve me.~*
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2002 25 February :: 9.29pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: ludacris - roll out
12-26-01
*~talk to me. tell me what i can do to evoke those feelings from before ... before you walked out of my life and took with you my chance for happiness. you're perfect in every way. inside and out - nothing more i could ask. but wait, one thing. just take my heart as a token of my love. please do not return it, as i have no use for it anymore. for you are all i want. but there is nothing i can do. you are sure of what you want, and nothing i say could make any difference at all. though what you say makes all the difference in the world to me.~*
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