cluttered bulletin of memories

:: 2003 19 December :: 11.41pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World - 'Firestarter'

.my thoughts are trapped and im not alright.
Just got off work. Long night.. but this song really helps me unwind. Five hours of working, and one song that washes away the bad mood. Christmas is almost here. I'm excited for it, but i dunno. I'm afraid that when Christmas is over, I'll feel alone again with nothing to look forward to. But those are deeper thoughts i won't dive into at the present time. So, Christmas, it's the most wonderful time of the year. I'm done with all my Christmas shopping (thank God, the mall is horribly crowded) except for a few small gifts I need to get. I have some presents under my tree already.. i shook a few.. oh c'mon we all do it, no matter how old! I really went all out for my mom and dad this year, so I feel good about that. I'm working on Christmas Eve, which is sorta sucky, but only till 10 pm so that's okay. As long as I can drink egg nog and watch corny Christmas movies when I get home. And thennn, I'm going to my dad's Christmas afternoon. We're actually having a cold Christmas, this is awesome. Like tonight, it's freezing out.. the best weather ever, in my opinion. I'm living up north when I get older.. I need four seasons, and Florida just isn't cuttin it. Christmas needs snow. But this cold weather will do just fine for now.
P.S. the sky was gorgeous tonight.

:: 2003 19 December :: 1.45am
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: Pilate

i am a hopeless romantic... yes, yes i am..

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2003 15 December :: 12.26pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: jennifer lopez ft. ll cool j - all i have

hahaha ohhh man . what a day and it's only 12:26 p.m. I GOT A C IN CALCULUS . fuck yea , man . and after my music technology grade gets put in , i'll have a 4.2 GPA . mmmmmmm hot ? you know it . and yea ... you never know what the future will bring , only what the past has given you . <3

3 clever lines | unread on clever napkins

:: 2003 11 December :: 11.52am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Ani DiFranco

.The slaughtering of another incredible mood.
Talking to him ruins the start of my day.
Like drinking a tall glass of spoiled milk.
Like a black cloud swallowing the bright, cheery shades of a sunrise.
.He ruins me.

:: 2003 11 December :: 12.53am
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Sigur Ros <3

Now, then, and the scars that remain.
When the ex and i don't talk for a few days, i start to think only about his good qualities and tend to drop the realization of the person he is now. I remember when he would have given up good charlotte if it meant seeing the cranberries for me.
Or maybe he never would've at all. We make everything in our lives what we want it to be, not what it is. It's almost like self-mutilation.. building it all up, to burn it all down.

:: 2003 9 December :: 2.07pm
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Sigur Ros

"Miracles aren't limited to the holidays"... Chocolates are so insightful.
Stopped by CD Connection today bought me some new inscence sticks and a Sigur Ros cd. Window's open, bob marley's swayin in the wind, and i have those Dove promises things. How good are they? Honestly.

:: 2003 9 December :: 12.37am
:: Mood: weak
:: Music: Alien Ant Farm - ANThology

Sticks and stones they hurt when you shoot them through the bone, and you dragged my name through dirt and it hurts to be left here alone.
Erase the ugly frame, built to flash thousands of wandering eyes
Holes in heads, lacking real thoughts, waiting for the right time to watch, oblivious of the disgust
Throw aside their presence, splash across the clean, white walls
Break away the rotting pieces, spill like sour milk across the bricks layed down for her default
The smiles were forced, sore cheeks, gritted teeth
Pathetic and worthless
Broken and forgotten
The walk was short and the air was cold
Tomorrow this same old story will be retold

:: 2003 8 December :: 12.54am
:: Mood: sick as a mofo
:: Music: The Watchmen

Pretty lyrics always get me right here --> <3
in crept the sunshine it gently touched my face kind of woke me with its grace rolled myself over prayed that you were there my first day without you there and everythings so quiet since you just closed your eyes and left me here behind on my own flowed my way downstairs hoping its a dream but i dont wake up when i scream just how many mornings did i wake with you i need some more to see me through everythings so strange now you just closed your eyes and left me here behind on my own and all the wise ones say youre wrong you lose no sleep from those who have gone and have no fear they will go but i never let go never let go its 4am now and i cant close my eyes too scared to lie here without the lights the second night without you is no better than the first i pray the third one wont be worse i want you to say something my dear say something dear

:: 2003 6 December :: 6.03pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: lisa loeb - stay

i love fighting with people . i love it because even when you're sitting there and stuffing the notes into the back of your drawer and slamming it shut violently , in the back of your mind , you know you're doing that because you can't burn them . i love it because you throw the mix cds into the back of your car instead of out your window . i love it because you can sit and look through your phone for phone numbers all you want but you know you're not going to dial a single one , because you'd feel like a fool tomorrow when you're not fighting anymore . and when you sit and watch your movies , the ones that lack surprise or originality , the ones that tell you that everything is going to be alright in the end , the ones that make you realize that your fight is stupid and there is so much more you could be doing than leaving your phone upstairs so you can check it every five minutes with the excuse that you may not have heard it ring ... you know that tomorrow you won't have this much time on your hands . you know that tomorrow you won't be angry when the phone rings and it's not that one person . you know that tomorrow you won't cry your way through the same movie three times . you know that tomorrow it will be alright . and i've been doing it religiously . watching every movie i should , slamming every door , using every box of tissues in the house ... and things aren't alright . things aren't going to be the way they were before , no matter how many times i change the track number because the song is sentimental .

:: 2003 6 December :: 3.17am
:: Mood: fuck this mother fucker
:: Music: Mest

Your mom smells like ass.
Ughhh my throat is killing right now. I've sprayed that cherry crap in my throat like 20 times, and everytime I do it, i gag. It's so sick. I'm hoping I feel better by tomorrow, cuz I don't wanna be all sick under the hot sun (or cold rain) at Buzz Bake Sale. Im really excited about seeing Something Corporate and Switchfoot. I just saw Yellowcard but they put on a great show, so I don;t mind seeing them again, and again and againnn. Wow.. i hate throats. I just ate some fudge brownie ben and jerrys icecream thinking clearly it would soothe the pain, but alas it did not. grr.

:: 2003 5 December :: 3.21am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Lifehouse - 'Take Me Away' (acoustic version)

i know you didnt bring me out here to drown, so why am i ten feet under and upside down?
anyone can make themselves fall deeper. sometimes i just get depressed. for really no reason at all. ill get off work, normal long night of work, and drive towards the beach blaring my favorite band of the moment.. tonight it was Hidden In Plain View.. very fitting to my mood actually. Lost in a gaze at powerlines under moonlight, the ocean at it's darkest shades. And it worsened. I was slightly depressed when i got into my car and flat out melancholy by the time i got home.

7 clever lines | unread on clever napkins

:: 2003 1 December :: 4.30pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Ani DiFranco - Napoleon; Grey

Hi, how many? Hi, how many? Hi, how many?
Just threw on my clean work clothes, Ani DiFranco fills every corner of my room, and I'm full of some really nasty Tortelinnii's (sp?) i just made. I'm a really bad cook. I work too much. Every night practically, and it's always the same routine. I kid you not sometimes i'll seat people down and say "have a nice night" Or people will be walking out and i'll say "enjoy" Cause all I do is say the same old shit over and over again. The best show of the year is only two days away. I can't wait. I think tomorrow Gian Carlo and I are going shopping, yay, i hate going shopping by myself it sucks ass and right now the malls way too hectic for me. Everyone's trampling over eachother to get a sale. K, i need to go to work..

6 clever lines | unread on clever napkins

:: 2003 30 November :: 1.28am
:: Music: Ani DiFranco, The album - So Much Shouting So Much Laughter

Overrated
Work blows, and I smell like a dirty kitchen. My feet are numb. I think maybe I should get some of those old granny therapuetic shoes, cause' the ones I wear for work now, kill. Ohh, I won't really get them. Style over rules future permanent foot damage.
On to the important things.. ever since the final collapse of David and I, I've been sort of sour on love and relationships. I don't crave to be in someone else's arms and I don't mind renting movies by myself. Atleast then I can watch mushy, chick flicks, without worrying that he's most likely bored out of his mind. I just don't want it right now. The other day, this guy asked for my number and I gave it to him, he was cute, but I really don't know why I did. I should've told him that when he calls, I won't pick up and I don't plan on giving him a fair chance. I know this may sound mean, but truthfully, after you experience true heartbreak, suffer painful emotional blows from someone who meant the world to you, you just stop caring. Well I did. I was knocked down and torn apart too many times, and now I just want to seperate myself from the whole mushy, i can't breathe without you, love scene. SOMETIMES, though, I will come across certain little things that make me miss having someone. Well, like, for example, do you ever overhear someone on their cellphone, and it's clearly obvious it's their boyfriend/girlfriend cause' they're all "No you say goodbye, no youuu, i love you more, youu" God, that's killer. I mean, if you don't miss having someone when you hear that kind of conversation... you've obviously misplaced your heart. Couples like that are in the best part of their relationship. And at the moment, im sure they truly believe they're completely in love. But eventually those cute "never wanna let you go goodbye's" will turn into meaningless, repetitive farewells... click. You cross over into a world of old coupleness where the pretty flowers stop growing and the fire is stomped by the down pour. Lost in the dark. Well, I'm enjoying the sunlight I've stolen somehow, so I think I'll cling on to it for a little while longer before I go losing myself in the dark again.

:: 2003 27 November :: 3.54am
:: Mood: exhausted

i should have known when my first tire exploded that it was time to let go but sometimes i'm too emotional for my own good . i figured that the warnings didn't apply to me , and things would be different if i just had a little faith , so i went the distance and i learned my lesson the hard way . too bad everything in life can't be solved by scraping up $47.40 and waiting 45 minutes .

5 clever lines | unread on clever napkins

:: 2003 27 November :: 12.40am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Evanescence - *My Immortal*

Happy Thanksgiving
Exactly a year ago, I felt the lonliest I've ever felt in my entire life. I was at my dad's house for Thanksgiving, as I will be later today again, and it was right after David and I had had our first big break up. I was a wreck. I was crying all the time and writing line after line about how much i missed him. I remember thinking.. "I wonder if he's as lonely as I am right now?" And i hoped and waited for him to call me. He finally did and I was certain it meant he missed me, and that sliver of hope kept me going and lifted me up just a tiny bit. Later on in the week, I found out he had a new girlfriend, and realized that I had spent the entire holiday mulling over what I'd done wrong and how I could get him back. Still then I didn't seem to notice how much time I had wasted crying and being so upset and heart broken. Now, as I read over the journal entries I'd written a year ago today, I realize how much better I am now. I don't even feel like that girl anymore, the girl that cried and moped because her boyfriend didnt love her anymore. It makes me so sad reading over stuff I've written about how lonely I felt, remembering that awful feeling, remembering how I would try so hard to hide my tears in front of my family. I wish I would have saved myself last year, instead of dwelling in such sadness without him. This Thanksgiving, im so thankful for the strength I've gained over this past year.

3 clever lines | unread on clever napkins

:: 2003 25 November :: 12.53am
:: Mood: lovely
:: Music: The Tragically Hip

Ever so sweet, you baked it in cakes for me :)
Let me just tell you what one of the absolute best feelings in the whole world is. Finding out that two of your favorite bands are playing.. together.. next week. OH YEAH. That's right.. The Early November and Copeland, December 3rd. My friend Andrew relayed this beautiful information over to me tonight at work. I told him i loved him. Copeland is simply a stellar creation.. every song is tragically beautiful. I love ittt. And then The Early November, of course, is without a doubt a masterpiece also. I mean i can't even explain how much i love them. I just melt into the emotion of their wonderful music. I'm up in the clouds just thinking about this show.. Wooo, can't wait. In other news.. work was so long and boring tonight. I really hate my manager.. Sardir. He's only been there for like 3 weeks and he's so gross. He looks at porn in the office and blaintly checks out every single girl that walks by, shorts me on my tip share, and smells like ass. I don't like him. I don't think he'll be staying too much longer though, cuz everyone wants him out. Closing really sucks. I just stand around at the front door all night bored as hell watching people at the bar. There was a football game on. I wish i loved football cuz then i could just get into that and not sit and count the minutes till i can leave. I do have fun sometimes though.. Like earlier tonight me and steph saw this guy carrying one of those huge blob bed things on top of his head and he got stuck while trying to walk out the door. It was pretty hilarious. We had a good laugh. Stephanie and I actually have some really good conversations at the foot of those magical, golden doors at Fridays. I discovered tonight that I'm not the only one who was affected by Lifetime movies. Go us. Anyway, it was a pretty good night i guess. I'm extatic about that fucking show. I just wanna say thanks to Kiersty for giving me The Early November and Ryan for giving me Copeland. <3 The givingness is much appreciated.

:: 2003 24 November :: 3.23am
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: The Tragically Hip; Bush - 'Come Back Down' (acoustic version)

worn and tattered shavings of all we must forget
steal me away from this enemy
i'll melt myself into these trees
build me a home
and never come back
i was caught underneath with the world spinning fast
so many coins i threw in with no wishes cast
through a box full of petals and a bed full of lies
i'll carry away with me a bright feeling of pride
my eyes may be shadowed but ive got all i need
the glow of your tragedy is not necessary to filter me through this life
id rather say goodbye than stay and watch it all crash
cause really in the end, will you even remember the past?

:: 2003 23 November :: 8.28pm
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: The Get Up Kids - 'Walking On A Wire' (which is actually a really good post wake up song)

Is this all your world tonight?
I painted with mama dukes again today. Made a few extra bucks. Then i came home, crashed at 3 this aftrernoon and didn't wake up till just now. I feel so much better, i was so tired. Im hungry. Right now i could eat Thanksgiving dinner.. mmm. But i gotta wait till Thursday. Im going shopping tomorrow with David. I need a new pair of jeans, which could take me all day.. i am so picky. Oh oh the E! True Hollywood Story of Johnny Depp comes on in 20 minutes.. this calls for some Boston Market. Mmm, sweet potato mushhh.

:: 2003 21 November :: 4.16am
:: Mood: in the mood to write..
:: Music: Pilate .. is beautiful

though your lips pursue me in the shadow of your eyes love and fear collide.
the grains press hard behind those stone blue eyes
smothering herself in a sabotage of deceit and lies
waking at dawn her cold tears fall with the warm sun�s rise
smear the sky with her fingertips, smash existence with her fist, shouting till the rain drops, seal these horrors with a kiss
take the pieces of this puzzle throw them to the sea
they�ll float off the edge of this world tear her burdens free

:: 2003 19 November :: 1.12am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: andrea on the telephone

ohh man . even sicker than i expected . i can't believe i just saw andy c. with ak1200 . seriously , one of the best nights of my life.

in other news , here is some advice:

Taking time to really smoke pot will help you feel a lot less on edge and healthier overall. You can start to unwind by stopping and taking a few, slow, deep hits. Get inside for some recirculated air or a quick toke of the bong. Take a hit or a long, hot hit. Have a bowl of non-regular marijuana and sit in a comfy chair. Hitting the bong and releasing some of that pent up energy is also a good way to unwind. You could also pack a bowl or roll a joint to get your mind off things. Whatever works for you, just be sure to do something that allows you to focus on what you're doing at that moment, not on what is stressing you out in the first place. And don't feel bad about clearing the bong out for a while and taking enough hits for yourself. You'll be glad you did!

:: 2003 16 November :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: Ozma - Restart

Now i've got a view miles to the ocean but i cant see you and maintain devotion i wish i could say i'lllll be there
Tonight i missed seeing one of my favorite bands. I was supposed to go to Orlando with Ali tomorrow, but plans got fucked up and im not going anymore. We were gonna see Something Corporate on Tuesday.. and now i cant. I wouldve gone tonight at the culture room but tickets were sold out. Im soo mad. Im sure i missed an awesome show. :( GRR. Oh wellll.. i'll see them at Buzz Bake Sale i guess... ohhh what a great line up, cant wait for that. I painted with my mom this weekend, i made 160 bucks.. oh yeahh. Now i can pay for my stupid speeding ticket. Im never speeding again.. tickets are SUCH a waste of freakin money. Hung out with david a few times.. yea it always happens, i know. But i dunno.. its different now. For me. This is all jibber jabber.. I wanna see that movie Elf. Ben, come see it with me! hey i learned how to play the beginning of "Linger" by the Cranberries on my guitar. Ky taught me. I play it all the time now.. cuz its the only thing i know other than G and A chord.
Aright im off.. sorry im not all poetic tonight. PEACE.

:: 2003 16 November :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: sublime - ball and chain

andy motherfucking c . + ak1200 + five minutes of alex amoretti > ak1200 . definitely worth entry + gas . anybody want to come to orlando tomorrow to see ak1200 and andy c. ? find a place to stay and throw in for gas . haha . <3 peace

:: 2003 14 November :: 2.30am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Something Corporate - *Me and The Moon*

hi, im an insomniac
:::10 bands you've been listening to lately:::
01. Pilate
02. The Mars Volta
03. Something Corporate
04. Brand New
05. Allison Krauss
06. Relient K
07. Vendetta Red
08. Sarah McLachlan
09. The Juliana Theory
10. Trapt

:::09 things you look forward to:::
01. Being an amazing guitar player! (with much practice of course)
02. Buying new cds and new released albums
03. Seeing Something Corporate in Orlando with my bestest friend, Ali :)
04. Cold weather
05. Days off and pay days
06. Full moons
07. Trips across the country and around the world
08. Driving my car :)
09. Buzz Bake Sale

:::8 things you like to wear:::
01. My ultra-cool 80�s Harley Davidson t-shirt
02. Sweaters
03. Chameleon colored nail polish
04. My rings
05. My peace sign necklace
06. Lip gloss
07. My rainbow-pocket jeans
08. Flip Flops

:::07 things that annoy you:::
01. Authority
02. Closed-minded people
03. People who interrupt
04. Egotistical guys
05. Hate and judgment
06. Fakeness
07. Car payments

:::06 things you touch everyday:::
01. My CDs
02. My pillow
03. Dirty Friday�s menus
04. My toothbrush
05. My puppyyy
06. My steering wheel

:::05 things you do everyday:::
01. Get lost in my music
02. Shower
03. Drive around in my hot hot car
04. Daydream
05. Stuff my fat face

::: 04 people you want to spend more time with:::
01. Ali
02. My family
03. My friends
04. Josh Hartnett, mmm

:::03 movies you could watch over and over again:::
01. Love & Sex
02. 10 Things I Hate About You
03. Romeo & Juliet... Old School (Just had to add one more)

:::02 of your favorite songs at the moment:::
01. Inertiatic ESP - The Mars Volta
02. She Paints Me Blue - Something Corporate

:::01 person that you'd spend the rest of your life with:::
01. My Soul Mateee <3

:: 2003 10 November :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: descendents - silly girl

36 ounces to freedom .

27 days until the end of the semester ( for me ) .

12 days until i am complete again .

4 hours until i get to see the kids that are practically my own .

1 1/2 hours until class .

:: 2003 9 November :: 11.46pm
:: Mood: Unenergized
:: Music: Brand New

Die young and save yourself!!
Brand New and Pilate.. both of them spit out some of the most amazing lyrics. Simply exquisite.

"If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart"

"You took that dream and slowly slit it's throat"

*sigh*
<3

:: 2003 5 November :: 12.35pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: lauryn hill - nothing even matters

susanis a winner (12:17:16 PM): do you listen to death cab for cutie ?
xXQuidamXx (12:17:29 PM): never heard of em
susanis a winner (12:18:16 PM): mm okay
xXQuidamXx (12:20:42 PM): what kinda name is that tho..
xXQuidamXx (12:21:20 PM): it's one of those fucked up names.... from a small local band outta the middle of nowhere
susanis a winner (12:21:28 PM): how insightful .
xXQuidamXx (12:21:52 PM): like voluntary odor neutralizer
xXQuidamXx (12:21:56 PM): come on.....
xXQuidamXx (12:22:06 PM): i dunno how they sound...
xXQuidamXx (12:22:10 PM): might be good...
xXQuidamXx (12:22:23 PM): but i dont like the name.... it's too long...
susanis a winner (12:23:21 PM): ...
susanis a winner (12:23:24 PM): okay
xXQuidamXx (12:23:30 PM): like my friend's band...... CPM ..... they're alright.... but they have a gay name...
xXQuidamXx (12:23:36 PM): C.P.M.
xXQuidamXx (12:23:51 PM): christian porn machine...
susanis a winner (12:25:58 PM): that definitely compares to death cab for cutie .
xXQuidamXx (12:26:09 PM): yeah..... dumb name...
xXQuidamXx (12:26:24 PM): but oh well ....

:: 2003 2 November :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: destiny's child - if you leave

after getting nothing but good-byes every weekend after too-short weekend , for you to walk away without even a backwards glance was every one of those sundays combined without the hope of another friday afternoon , and i can't handle the sundays with hope . i grabbed your arm and i begged and i cried and it was all i could do to look you in the eyes for the second you allowed me to . ( when you look somebody in the eyes , it's easier for them to read what's inside yours , and most of the time i'd rather avoid that - that's why ) . the sun highlighted the paved sidewalk and determination that lasted long past lyons road ( the second time ) and i shielded my eyes from your blinding glances cast so nonchalantly upon me . a million thoughts were running though my head faster than i could even process them , but i knew it wasn't going to be anything i said , so i ignored them and studied the sidewalk and kept walking . if only it was as simple as an apology . if only it hadn't come to that . but hey ... all's well that end's well . but i'm still left wondering what's going to happen when the day comes that your arm doesn't fall so naturally around me after three quarters of a mile , and you're a little more set on escaping my badly driven car . you can't sit there and tell me not to question that , because you have all the right in the world to question it yourself . but when i throw my dignity out the window and go sprinting after you with my hair tangled and eyeliner dripping down to my chin , you mean a little more to me than the average person . and when i walk three quarters of a mile in the florida sun in equally unattractive conditions , it would indicate that you mean quite a bit more . so , i love you . don't ever fucking leave me like that .

4 clever lines | unread on clever napkins

:: 2003 31 October :: 1.16am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Pilate - 'Collide' and 'Alright'

take me away...
I'm surprised I've made it this far
Cause this weather isn't making it easy on me
These windy nights, cool enough for a sweater
You're replaced by a warm sweater.. and I, by a warm body
I miss you so much sometimes.
Tonight, I took every possible long way home
But I stayed on my side of the town
You haven't called.
So i guess this terrible feeling is what it feels like to have no one care about you.
Nobody waiting up for you.
No one wondering why you haven't come home.
Lonely.
With the windows down, Pilate playing, and a knot of sadness in my heart, I drove street after street and down by the beach
It was a beautiful night.
A perfect night.
Burning gas away, burning thoughts of us into the sky, burning the tears back into my eyes.
I was driving to stay in the slow motion that I was drowning myself in.
Remember that trick you told me about? Flashing your high beams at redlights..
I always do it, and it never works.. but it always manages to make me smile.
Towards the end of the cd.. i started to go home, but the stars were crying for attention, so I stopped to lose myself in them.
I saw one fall.
I always feel so chosen when I see a star fall.
I stared in awe for an hour, at my movie screen in the sky, until a thick, white cloud covered the scene of beauty.
Had it not been for that cloud, I might have stayed there lost forever, in my stellar cure for the absence of you.

:: 2003 30 October :: 3.13am
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: Sigur Ros - "Hun Jord"

Through these clouds
I'm reaching out
Your eyes are darkened
Your heart's blue on the ground
I want to save you
Before it swallows you whole
By the time you read this
You'll be missing your soul