RE: me
i hate how.. when i'm in the middle of a crisis.. it feels like i'm always facing it alone.

i cried today. i cried all day. there wasn't an hour that went by that there wasn't a tear on my face. some times i was full on sobbing, other times it's was the crying whine that i've developed.. but all fucking day i was crying or bawling.. at work, in front of everyone.

and only one person noticed.. or cared enough to say anything.

the worst part is that i didn't know what i was crying about. maybe it was about the fight last night, maybe it is just my medicine.. maybe it's the constant fighting with my friends and family.. maybe it's the stress of not fitting in at work.. maybe it's the fear that i'm going to be abandoned by everyone i love soon.. i have no idea, but..

i just can't stop crying. i've never felt this low in my whole entire life. i thought i knew what depressed was, but now i know, i had no fucking clue.

i have a problem. i huge problem. an addiction. i can't get it out of my head, i can't stop doing it. i just want to feel pain, i just want to hurt myself until i can't feel it anymore.. i want to hit myself and scratch myself and throw myself against walls and floors.. i just want to get the shit beaten out of me.. then maybe i'd stop being me. and i could be someone worthwhile.. someone i could love..

but every morning i wake up and have to look at myself in the mirror. i have to look at the scratches and scars on my arm and i have to live with it. i have to drive myself through traffic and avoid getting in an accident. i have to just wait until it's my natural time to go. i'm stuck in a prison. i'm stuck with the worst person i've ever met, and she's been with me since day one. and i'm so fucking sick of it. i'm so fucking sick of her. i don't even know who she is anymore.. it's fucking disgusting.

i have no one i can talk to. i have no one who i can just freely say these things. i have no way to get all these horrible monsters out of my veins so maybe i could feel human again. all i ever hear is "i don't want to hear it" "i don't need this right now" "you aren't any of those things" "you're beautiful.." etc.. etc.. and i just don't need to hear those things.. i just need someone to hold me.. and to listen to all the mean things i have to say.. and someone to just let me cry.. and cry and cry until i bleed.. so i can finally feel.. human.

but no one will. no one ever will. i have to pay to get that. and i want to pay to get that. i don't feel comfortable saying how i really feel to anyone but a paid stranger, because it doesn't matter if they think less of me or if they love me less afterwards, they don't matter in my life. they aren't someone who's important to me. and i know you're thinking "i won't think less of you, i won't love you any less" but it doesn't matter. that could be true, but it doesn't matter. it doesn't change the fact that you all scare the living shit out of me and i can't say the things i need to say to make me feel better.

i'm a prisoner of myself.
and i lost the key a long time ago.

i just.. want to leave this life. i want to leave this pain behind. and leave my monsters in the closet..

i just.. don't have the tools. or the opportunity..

and the two people who could help me, scare me more than any other people in the whole world. so i won't ask for their help. and i won't ask for their love. i'd rather suffer than disappoint them or feel rejected by them again..


.. (how did my life get so fucked up?)

i'm so tired of feeling alone.
i'm so tired of being scared.
i'm so tired of being disappointed.

.. i'm so fucking tired of me..

i'm sorry.

i really do love all of you.

i just fucking hate myself.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me