godessalthena
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2009 2 January :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: alone
i want to talk about things.
but no one talks.
i want sus to talk to me about what's been going on.
but i guess i'm ust so stand offish that he won't even look at me.
i feel so alone and bad and wrong and gross.
and i just want to cry it all out..
and i want to talk to someone who will make me feel better.
or just talk to someone.
why does this have to be so hard?
why does it have to be so lonely?
i hate life.
and i hate growing up.
and i hate almost everything right now.
i want to end it.. because at least i won't realize i'm alone when i'm dead..
if only people didn't love me.
god this is hard.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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lillypad
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2008 30 December :: 9.18am
ephemeral eloquence exaggerates exactly exonerated executions.
the end.
7 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 27 December :: 10.05pm
brooke will be here soon
i am super excited, but also super nervous..
i hate how i always feel wrong about things.
i honestly think i'm broken.
i went to planned parenthood yesterday to get more stuff..
and the lady was asking me all these things..
about being depressed and whatnot..
...
it really made me notice how bad i've gotten.
and i don't really know what to do anymore.
i've seen drs. i've written my heart out. i paint..
nothing helps..
i'm worried about me..
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 22 December :: 10.49am
i'm scared of myself.
i don't know who i am anymore.
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 17 December :: 6.11pm
i kinda feel like everyone around me is getting more interesting and beautiful and attractive.. and i'm sitting here getting fat and boring..
i wish i had hobbies or i was in school or i hung out with people or could just stop eating..
but my life sucks and i feel bad all the time. and food is a nice comforting thing.. and at the moment i'm snowed in, but ususally my schedule doesn't allow for me to see anyone..
i just and so frustrated with where i am. i have superficial conversations with people. i can't cry. i feel cold and hard and like my emotions are now just bear minimum to exist.
i want to start over.
i wish i had stayed in college.
oh well
such is life.
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 16 December :: 2.11pm
:: Mood: tired
lately, i've been wishing more and more that i had never left seattle..
and that i never messed everything up.
and he says it isn't my fault.
but it's so hard not to see it as my fault.
it is my back. and my stubbornness.
but whatever, it isn't my fault, it's just an unfortuante situation.
i'm just so frustrated with where i'm at. money is always a huge problem, finding a job that doesn't suck is impossible. food is always so low here. i feel like i'm living in the poor house with tons of debt.. wait.. i am.
and then i feel guilty asking for help from my parents because they always send me on a huge guilt trip when i do.
and i feel like i ruined christmas.
idk, i'm just tired of how my life has been for the last few months. i don't hang out with friends, i don't have time to do anything i enjoy and i have no money to do anything with. it's just like.. the last few months have been crap city.
though, because i am so awesome i am not escaping with substances. i am just bottling it up and getting ready for a breakdown. it sounds bad, but having a breakdown is better than being dependant on things that cost lots of money to sustain as a habit.
meh, life has to be bad for you to enjoy the good.
and it is seriously fuck all cold here.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 10 December :: 1.49pm
i don't know who's idea it was, but life is crappy.
i hate money.
and nothing is fair.
but brooke is coming soon!
and i get to do christmas stuff soon!
yay
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 5 December :: 12.40pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: playradioplay
things.. haven't been going well.
and i'm depressed.
and unhappy a lot.
Read more..
5 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 4 December :: 12.56pm
:: Mood: curious
so...
the more i learn about other people, the more i realize we're all in the same boat..
most of us are terribly unhappy with our lives and we don't like where we're going or what's happened in our lives..
and it's really really sad.. i feel really sad that we aren't happy.
though, to be honest, at this point in time i'm happier than i have been in the last month and a half..
things are just difficult for everyone.. and everyone feels so alone. and it's really hard.. to face life alone..
i just.. i wish it was happy. i wish life was happy.
i want to have my house warming party soon. :)
but i'm not sure when i should do it..
or what we should do.
because i have nothing:
no games
or food
or stuff to sit on other than a bed and a computer chair haha.
soooooo
IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS WHEN OR WHAT WE SHOULD DO AT MY HOUSE WARMING PARTY PLEASE CALL ME OR COMMENT OR WHATEVER
i need help haha
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 28 November :: 4.40pm
have you ever fucked up so badly that it makes you vomit to remember it?
yeah.. i have.
i'm so digusting.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 25 November :: 4.29pm
i hate regret.
and i have more of it now than i have ever had in the entirty of my life combined.
and it really, really sucks.
7 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 24 November :: 8.38am
today may be my first day back to work..
do you know how often i wish i could just rewind my life and go back to highschool? and change all the choices i had made from my tattoo on?
if only life really had a reset button..
but i only wish that sometimes, like right now.. when i'm sitting in my apartment, worrying about money, thinking about how lonely i feel most of the time.. wishing i didn't have to be such a negative person. i just want someone to be there for me always.. and i'm always too afraid to trust anyone that much anymore..
there are days like these where i just feel bad. there isn't really a reason, but i just feel like utter crap. and i want to cry and scream and go for a long, long walk.. but things have to get done today and i have to pretend like i'm ok because i don't have a reason not to be.
and then i'll laugh at my depression. and i won't ask for help. i know i can't beat this on my own.. over the last years it's become painfully clear to me that i can't fix myself.. but i don't know if anyone else can either..
and i want to badly to have good days when i wake up..
i don't want to be broken anymore..
there were two months that i can remember within the last year that i woke up and had good days. really good days.. and i was in the most intense pain of my life.. but i was happy. truely happy.
why can't i go back to those days?
i hate change. when things change and i think about them too much i have crazy bad dreams. i dream about murder and rape and kidnapping.. about bright colors and crazy highways and gravity.
i dreamt my mom abandoned me for cigarettes.. and that i was raped. and raped.. and kidnapped..
and it's because i'm terrified about losing this relationship.
i'm terrified i made a wrong choice somewhere.
i'm terrified that i'm never going to have friends that i see all the time again.
i'm terrified that i'm never going to trust anyone with my life again.
i'm terrified no one will ever understand me again..
i'm terrified i'm going to turn into a totally mediocre and average person who is unimpressive and unremarkable in everyway..
and i don't know why..
i just want someone to put their hand out there and hug me and tell me things will be okay. i want them to let me cry until i fall asleep and then hold me until i wake up again.. i want it to be the spring time and sit in the clover and scream when i bee gets too close.. i want to feel important and insignificant at the same time.. i want to look at the stars far away from any indicator of human life.. i want to see the northern lights.. i want to see a whale..
i just want to live life with beauty in it again. i want to love things again. i want to have passion for what i believe in and i want to be happy.
and it's impossible.
and i don't want to give up..
but i don't have a choice..
someone save me...
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 16 November :: 11.51am
i don't think i'm cut out to be alive.
i can't deal with the stress.
the emotions.
the doing nothing.
and being able to do nothing.
everything feels wrong.
either i do the wrong thing.
or for the wrong reason.
and i wasn't even aware that i was doing the wrong thing..
or for the wrong reason.
i didn't think there was such a thing..
but i'm wrong.
like always.
i can't deal
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 14 November :: 5.05pm
i honestly think..
i've become one of the worse girlfriends and friends ever.
and it makes me sick.
why do i suck so much?
5 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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redefinedgrace
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2008 11 November :: 2.20pm
Happy 5 year birthday old journal.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 7 November :: 11.20am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Phil Collins
My mood swings are taking me over.. and i don't like it.
i hate feeling super giggly and happy one minture, then the next i'm a sobbing mess. i wish i could just.. either not feel anything, or feel like a normal person.
Hanging out with Lauren today, which is a nice change of pace, seeing how i'm always just at home. I need to get out, even though this place is really nice.
I like having a reason to look all pretty.
my hip.. my back pain is frustrating.. sometimes it feels amazing and then other days it hurts no matter what i do. my epidural is soon, which is great, cuz hopefully it will just get rid of all this stupid pain and i can start working on fixing it without agonizing pain! yay!
but I can already walk and do things. I'm not totally immobile like i used to be, which is great, and already has helped with my mood..
now to just get rid of stress.. of money.
damn money.
Brooke's going to stay with me in january! I'm so excited! I can't wait to finally see her again!! it's been so long..
i love the land before time.
today feels happy.
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 5 November :: 2.29pm
tacos tonight.
hell yes.
i got a job, start on the 24th (which means we won't have rent.. again)
wooo...
house warming party soon!
biznatches!
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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aerii
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2008 5 November :: 9.03am
some of myspace's reaction to our president
"Crystal Anne thinks she's gonna be sick. How did HE win... America is screwed"
"Well... for those of you who don't pray, now would be the time to start
Welcome to (Osama) O'Bama's America. This country... is screwed..."
"black president? really?? this guys gonna get JFK'd for sure hahah
for fuck sake his middle name is OSAMA!!! didnt that guy bomb us?"
Seriously?
I cannot believe that some people can think like this.
Even if you don't like Obama, at least know what the fuck you're talking about when you try to make a point against him.
It makes me sick to see people this bigoted, and I'm really surprised Obama won in a country where a lot of people still have problems with someone because of the color of their skin or even stupid details like a middle name.
So, I guess if you really think "America is screwed", then why don't you get out or do something about it instead of sitting on your punk ass, complaining about it on myspace.
We should believe in our leaders, not matter what. Even if we didn't vote for them, even if we don't agree with everything they say, even if we don't like the color of their skin or their sexual preference. Leaders are here for a reason and without them I'm pretty sure you'd be far worse off right now. This man is leading your country, have a little faith.
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 25 October :: 6.58pm
stress is going to make my arthritis worse and my face grow ugly faster.
if anyone has some money to help me out with that would be amazing.
and i will pay you back.
but i know everyone is just as broke as me..
i'm just sick of feeling like this..
stressed, old, and worthless..
[ edit ]
you know how some days you just are feeling like utter shit.. and then you hear something that makes you insanely happy.. but in ten mins the shittiness of your life has taken back over your mind and you feel even worse than before?
that's what today and yesterday have been..
and i just want to hide. and disappear. and die.
and i hate feeling like this.
because life should make you happy to be alive..
and all i can think about is how badly i just want to not be alive anymore..
and i don't want to feel like that.
i just want to be happy and do the right things to make me happy.
why is it so hard?
it just isn't fair.
i know everyone says life isn't fair.
but this is just completely unreasonably unfair...
someone hates me.
a lot.
to that person - fuck you.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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redefinedgrace
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2008 22 October :: 6.20pm
:: Music: Read My Mind // The Killers
We talked for like three days and then all of a sudden crickets.
What the hell happened?
What did I do?
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 15 October :: 9.37pm
i kind of want to die.
like really, really bad.
5 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 15 October :: 7.59am
:: Mood: tired
let me sleep...
So apparently the doctor who's supposed to be looking at my disk isn't going to be back to work til thursday.. :/ which is like.. wtp... i'm not too happy about that.. and my back is hurting more than it has in weeks.. and i've been going to bed around 3 every night and waking up at 5 or 6 every morning since i moved.. and in that short period i'll dream about messed up things that i can't even remember but prevents me from actually resting while asleep..
and i miss sus something fierce.. i can't remember ever missing someone as much as i'm missing him right now.. i feel terrible because on the phone all i can do is complain about how much it sucks here, even though i'm the one who wanted to move..
I hate when you think about the plans you made.. and then realise you're being an idiot after you made the change.. like what i did.. but at least i know my back will get fixed eventually over here.. rather than just waiting over there.. but boy do i miss over there.
my hair is pink now. which drives me nuts. i hate pink hair. i want to just put some more dye in it but i'll stain all of the white bathrooms. i don't get why ppl make bathrooms white.. wouldn't it make more sense to have bathrooms be a darker color so it's easier to hide things bleach won't get rid of?
it's only wednesday. i have to wait til at least saturday to see him again. it feels like i'm never going to see him ever again. :<
this is the worst week ever.
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 13 October :: 3.14pm
i hate how often my heart feels like it's breaking..
it always happens right after a moment of intense happiness...
generally after a realisation..
but it's like.. my heart just feels like it's going to crack right down the middle.. and then i get vicious and snap.
but people are being stupid and they deserve some push back.
i think spokane awakens a lot of feelings from a long time ago..
it makes me feel like the person i used to be..
not the person i want to be...
i think that's the real reason i didn't want to come back here..
it isn't that seattle is cooler and has more to do and has better weather and whatever..
it's because over there i know no one..
i was free to be whoever i wanted..
and i had no feelings preassigned there..
but over here..
i have best friends and family who only know the old me..
and i'm afraid to think or feel any different from when i was living here..
and now i'm stuck..
inbetween the old me and the me i want to be..
and i'm scared to go either way..
because i hate who i was.
but i would hate to disappoint the people here..
i'm turning into someone so awesome..
but part of me feels like the people here won't understand..
i know for a fact a few just won't..
i just want to be done with school and move away again..
and stay away until i'm strong enough to be myself..
i just wish..
i wish i wasn't so fucking scared.
4 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 13 October :: 8.42am
So... Spokane..
what do I say..?
i can see why so many people here smoke pot.. or do meth..
there really isn't much else to do haha...
The Dr. is getting my MRI films today and at that point he'll be able to decide what he can do for me and what we need to do..
last night i had a conversation with my dad.. it's nice to know that my parents really do care about me, even if it's in a weird way i don't understand.. i know they love me because they want me to be happy.. they are doing the best they can.. and that's nice to know..
I'm so exhausted.. I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares..
Two nights ago: Rape dream..
Last night: got stabbed seven times and the phone couldn't dial 911...
wonder what tomorrow's dream will be...
:/ I just want to get better and start working again..
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 9 October :: 11.08am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: reach for the light haha
secrets
so for those of you who didn't know or if i didn't say..
I went on a trip to alaska to meet sus's mom and stuff..
it was really great and i really really enjoyed myself there..
the weather was a lot like spokane, and it smelled wonderful..
and it was clean and not polluted..
and i felt really happy seeing so much beauty everywhere..
his mom is really sweet and is really a good woman..
and i'm so glad i went.
another thing i haven't really told anyone:
I'm moving back to spokane for at least a year.
I'm going to be leaving seattle next saturday, so on the 18th I'll be back in spokane..
I'm coming home to get treatment for my herniated disk and to go back to school..
Sus is moving back there with me.
Another thing i haven't really clearly stated:
Sus and I are dating now
and he makes me so so so happy it's great..
and I finally have the impact i always wanted on someone's life..
and it makes me feel better than anything ever has made me feel..
so..
idk...
there isn't really much to say..
I'm so stressed out over everything i have made myself really sick..
so i'm trying to find ways to calm down, but it's hard to be home alone all day.. doing nothing..
i just really want to be happy.
wish me luck..
see you soon..
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2008 8 October :: 9.59am
stress is really running high for me..
have to call my mom today..
been having nightmares last two nights..
headaches..
auditory hallucinations..
my back feels like crap...
and i know we can't all be happy.
and i know that some how or another i am going to break everyone's hearts.
and i know i'm going to be around for it, which is the worst part..
but! the good news is..
out of this whole mess..
i'll probably get a new rag doll kitten and that's so exciting!
i'm ready to pass out, my head is killing me..
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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