everyone we know is growing old

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 29 May :: 6.53pm

three and a half days until high school is behind me

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 28 May :: 9.16pm

I miss me...

I miss so much about me.. I miss the way I used to look... The way I used to feel... The way I used to think...

Now I'm just bitter and cynical and I hate everything and everyone... And It's so disgusting... I do horrible things when I'm alone. I make bad choices and I do things that would hurt everyone... I just don't know where I went...

I feel like the second I left Spokane the first time is the second I let go of everything that was good about myself. All I do is tease people here... And make them feel horrible about themselves. I just point out their faults and never give them an inch to make mistakes.... What am I doing? I'm not helping anyone when I'm like this...

But I don't remember how to be the way i was. I've been hurt so much, by me and by others. I'm just so stupid to think I was getting better. If anything I've become a person that I would have hated...

Come to think of it.. Jason was a lot like me. And I really do think I hate Jason on some level. Every time I was with him he made me see everything that was wrong with me in him. He was just like me, cold, heartless and doing bad things, but not caring. He had lost any semblance of justice or goodness. He was just a hollow person hiding behind some ideology to make himself feel better about the person he had become... I don't really have anything to hide behind, I just fake ignorance to the bad in me. I just don't acknowledge it as a character flaw...

But now when I'm really honest, the whole of me is a flaw. I've lost all my beauty and I hide behind my hair dye and my makeup and my tattoos, hoping that somehow, everyone will be fooled by this fakeness I build up on the outside of myself. I don't know if I have anyone fooled except myself, but no one here has said anything about it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...

I've been searching since I've moved to Bellevue for something that makes me happy. For something to take up my time and to help me forget about all the bad things that have ruined my heart... And everything I try feels so fake. It makes me feel guilty. I try to fill my body with art, I try to build things, to cook, to bake, to paint... All those things make me happy, but they all make me feel fake and guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldn't enjoy these things. Maybe I'm just trying to be normal...

Maybe I am just normal and I can't deal with it. Being bad is easier than being normal. But my friends here all assure me that what I do is normal. And that I'm just like everyone else my age... But why don't I feel 20? I feel like I've lived forever and I'm just waiting to die so I can go and burn in Hell.

I feel so stupid saying these things... But I don't know where else I can just get all this stuff out without risking Kirk seeing it... Or being interrupted.. I just have so much frustration and anger towards myself for changing everything I liked or should have liked about me.

What the hell does anyone see in me anymore? Or they all still here because of sweet memories of me? Or am I just being completely stupid and I haven't really changed that much?

I'm so diluted. I should just stop now...

peace&love <3 amelia

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 24 May :: 4.41pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: random stuff

nothing is right
i dyed my hair today. i smell pretty.

i think my parents will hate me when i visit. because i'll have more body art. and i really feel like it will alienate me more. but i like it and i don't want to not get it just because of my family.

do you ever feel like everything you say is completely trivial. why the hell am i even talking about anything? i'm having one of those days.

my days off are pointless. i don't do anything and it's so boring here. it's beautiful outside, but i don't want to go out alone. what's the point of adventuring if you have no one to go with you?

i miss having friends. i miss having people to hang out with and talk to and feel and want to touch. people here... they make me happy that people don't like touching me. i don't really want them to touch me. maybe i'm sick. idk, but the people here aren't people. they are... something else... adults. but really crappy adults. they have all the crappy qualities of adults and teenagers mixed together.

i think i'm very harsh with the people here. but i can't trust them and i certainly don't want to give any part of my heart to them. i know what they do with hearts like mine.

except... my heart is fuckered up now. and i'm so cold and mean. i push everyone away. i don't get it. i'm so alone and desperate for friendship, but i push everyone away because they aren't what i want. what do i want..? not these people. not the people at work. i had a dream about jason the other night. he txted me telling me he missed me. hahaha i'm so fucked up.

i've started talking in my sleep on a much more regular basis now. i have no idea why. i can't even remember what i would have been saying.

oh well.
what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

sigh.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 14 May :: 6.04am

It feels good to conquer what you're battling.

Now all I have left to fight is Jeff Reyburn's College Prep English class.
Haha?

:: 2008 5 May :: 6.46am

this was pretty much the worst weekend ever.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 27 April :: 9.17pm

probably heading home this weekend...
or next weekend.. to see the dentist!
huzzahh!

idk, i just hope it isn't snowy. i had to take off my snow tires... haha.

work sucks.. people sucks... idk, nothing really to be looking forward to right now..

adam's visiting in june! yay!
uhm... not much else to say..

my life is boring.
i made some brisket. hella tastey.

it was my birthday a while ago.
hella great birthday.

hella cute kitty.

:: 2008 27 April :: 8.18pm

I just don't want to go.
Is that so hard to understand?

Stop trying to make me do something I don't want to.

:: 2008 25 April :: 5.17am

Let's hope I know what I'm doing.

redefinedgrace

:: 2010 23 April :: 7.12pm

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 11 April :: 5.05pm

it seems i was wrong.
and that the me in the past was right.
and now i really want to just leave.
and stay away from humanity forever.

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 3 April :: 10.32pm

"you're going to die in somebody else's arms and i have to live with that..."

the new armor for sleep album is okay... only some of the songs are really good, unlike the first album which rocked and the second that was slightly better than this new one... the new one isn't as... idk themed as the others, which is what i really liked. this music sounds a little more immature than the last few.

OMG I SOUND LIKE A RETARD.

anyway. i'm happy with the way my life is right now, at this very second. but i keep bouncing back and forth and i'm so confused. i wish that life would just tell me what to do. i hate making decisions. i really hate making choices like these. like i'm in the middle and i don't want to go either way. because both ways are good. and i'd really be happy either way. well.. time will tell which way i'll go because i know eventually i'll have to stop and just go one way.

which bites.

idk i feel a little lost. and like i should be doing more with my life. but w/e that'll come with time too.

:: 2008 2 April :: 9.20am

hella bored with no television
1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?: How f'ed up my makeup is.

2. How much cash do you have on you?: a little more than $5

3. What's a word that rhymes with your name?: Bedilia i suppose...

4. Favorite flower?: Lily

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed/received/dialed call list on your cell phone: Attendance hotline

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: You could be happy by snow patrol

7. What shirt are you wearing?: stained up tank top

8. Do you "label" yourself?: Sexy beast

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?: i like wearing rocket dogs

10. Bright or Dark Room?: dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: unknown stranger

12. Ever "spilled the beans"?: Yeah i do a lot.

13. What were you doing at 2 this morning?: sleeping hXc

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: Yeah? You working though right?

15. Do you ever click on banners or pop-ups?: Nope

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: He's a douchebag

17. Who told you they loved you last?: Jay

19. How many drugs have you done in the past three days ?: zero. unless you count sugar.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?: zero

21. Favorite age you have been so far?: 4

22. Your worst enemy?: uhm.... myself

23 What is your current desktop picture?: a drawing but some random little kid of a dinosaur saying "they are cool" or something

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: uhm verbally most likely i love you baby or good night sweetie or something like that oh! don't stay up too late

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?: money would get rid of the regret i'd bet hahaha

26. Do you love / like someone?: yes

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 30 March :: 8.24am
:: Mood: disappointed

life in all its glory.
so these last few days have been the best and the worst days for a long time. i found a really great guy who's a f\really fun person to be around. his name is jason and i really love spending time with him. he makes me laugh like wow.

i also got in a fight with tammie over some bullshit and it really pissed me the fuck off. idk she started all that damn drama and then blamed it on me and called me the child. i don't know what's wrong with people these days... but it makes me feel like i'm really going to be misunderstood for the rest of my life.

there was like two inches of snow last night. i'm afraid to look out today.
idk i just want to freaking feel happy and have friends who will listen to me.
but i don't think that'll ever happen. because the second i start talking is the second they start yelling at me and telling me i'm immature and what i think is wrong. maybe i am evil? maybe i am immoral and corrupt? idk but i freaking listen to all of there bullshit whether i agree with them or not. and i don't judge them. and i don't tell them they are doing things. i try to support them whether or not i agree with it.

i don't know... maybe it's because i try to freaking BE A GOOD FRIEND.

but who knows if i really am.
i just should give up.
because i really don't think i'll have real friends...
here.
:/

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 23 March :: 2.42pm

I can't even say what I mean.

:: 2008 11 March :: 2.52pm

sdlkfjsdl

i hate shots.

:: 2008 6 March :: 5.38am

Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer.

lsdkfjslkdjfowejfalskdfjoaw efiawoirqowi4rowejf

nobody puts baby in a corner...

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 5 March :: 9.09am

SO
I am sick of living paycheck to paycheck.
so when I get the time I'm going to go back to tacobell.
then i'll have two jobs i hate, but the money i need to get everything in order before school.
and maybe give myself some more nice things...

i get myself nice things when i'm depressed i realize. to maybe make my life nicer because of the nice things..
which is retarded and doesn't work.
and now i've spent too much money trying to make myself feel better... and feel worse because of it.

i can't even sleep anymore because i'm worried about money.
and i hate money.

grrr..

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 28 February :: 4.23am

i have an interview at laser quest today
and i am so stoked.

omg

plus,
its christina's
joy's
and emily's
BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

WOOOOO!
yay for being legal haha

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 23 February :: 3.59pm

despite the emotional breakdown yesterday morning, yesterday was a really badass day.

i bought a new phone yesterday! i love it! it's the LG enV. I love love love it!!
especially the txting.

my number is...
i'll put it in a friends only post because i don't want certain asshats to know my number... hahaha

i hung out with shaunte and tammie and saw matt and met his girlfriend...
it was a really fun and great night.

:D
damn fucked up personality.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 22 February :: 10.53am
:: Mood: depressed

I suck.
like hardcore suck.
and i hate myself today.
because i'm nothing but a bitch.
and i freak about about stupid shit.

i don't deserve this stuff.
i don't deserve to have anything.
because people shouldn't like such a bad person.
i have an ugly heart and a bad personality.
i wish i could just forget who i am and start my personality over again.

i just want someone to talk to.
i need something to talk to.
who won't talk back, or make me feel like shit for feeling the way i do.
because that isn't fair and it sucks.
and i suck because i do the same to other people.

i wish i could just not be me. i don't want this anymore. i don't want to hate everyday i'm alive and feel like i'm never ever going to amount to anything no matter how hard i try. i want to cry on every phone call to every stranger. i want someone to help me get out of this. i want someone to get me help and make me get better. i hate feeling like people don't believe me when i say there is something wrong with me. i know there is, because i'm sitting here in the dark listening to music crying because i can't get a blood pressure check until the 27th of this month and will have to be without birth control for a month. does it even fucking matter that much? i don't even think that's the real reason i'm crying. it's because out of maybe the 25 people i talked to today, only one sounded half concerned about me and offered to help me more than just giving me a stupid phone number and wishing me luck. no one cares. and no one should. since it's my life and not anyone else's. it's too difficult anyway to care about other people. it's stupid. it's really stupid. that this world is so trivial and it's finally gotten into me... now i can't let go of the stupid things that everyone obsess about. i just fucking want to be unique and loved by people. i want friends who understand me and who i can actually talk to without getting a lecture. i'm so sick of lectures, i'm so sick of feeling like i just don't matter as a human being. i can't even find my own reason to live. i'm just floating around doing jack shit because i don't see the point of doing anything anyway. it won't get me the things i want. it won't make me feel beautiful or better about myself or my position in life. and none of those things matter anyway because we all die in the end and we all are forgotten.

and i wish i didn't have to take part in this game. this game that's been going on for thousands of years. this game that has no point and no winner. we all lose. what's the point of playing a game you know you won't win... why is everything a fucking game to me?

maybe my life would be more meaningful if i was ugly. or if i was obese. or if i was evil and a murderer... or if i could listen to people. or if people could listen to people. or if anyone cared to listen to anything.

i hate these stupid breakdowns. they make me feel so stupid and small and helpless. AND SO FUCKING ALONE...

hopefully the rest of today will be good.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 22 February :: 9.55am

FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERY FUCKING THING.

ESPECIALLY PHARMACIES, HEALTH CENTERS AND THOSE STUPID MACHINES. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.

THANKS FOR FUCKING RUINING MY FUCKING DAY YOU MOTHERFUCKING DOUCHEBAGS.

:: 2008 22 February :: 7.33am

i had a dream last night.
that a man came into a house i was living in.
he stabbed me in the side and pushed me on the floor.
he was going to rape me...
but just then kirk came to bed and woke me up.
thanks god.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 22 February :: 5.40am

I don't get why some people have to be such bitches.
It's time to grow up and learn how to be civil to other people.

:: 2008 21 February :: 6.22am

anyone have any ideas of subjects i can use for a photography portfolio?

:D

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 16 February :: 9.51am
:: Mood: confused

School... or work forever..?

Taking a year off of school really sucked. Being at a dead-end job really stinks. Knowing that I'll have to do what I'm doing for at least a year before I get a raise. And knowing that what I do is extremely boring and thankless and stressful makes me feel stupid for being there.

I think I was having such a hard time being excited about school was because it was what my parents wanted. I knew that an education is important in getting a good job that pays well... But I really didn't know how important a good paying job was. And that better paying jobs usually have less shitty customers.

And then when I have kids and they know I've never been to college... How much will they respect me? I mean... Getting educated is important. And having a good job that you don't hate is important. And being able to make a living on your own is important... And right now I don't really have any of those things. And free school is a really great opportunity.

I mean, it would require me to move out and away from Kirk... But what we have can survive that. We don't really see each other anyway during the week anyway... And he would be free to do as much studying as he wanted without feeling guilty for not paying attention to me. And at this point I feel like I can concentrate on what I need.. I've been streamlining my life for Kirk, so I can marry him and have his kids, and that's it. I need to do something for me, so I know I can do things for me.

I'm afraid about getting another shitty roommate... But it won't be so bad. I always can leave and study. If I worked hard enough I'd be able to graduate with Kirk, or only a year later, rather than two. Of course, I'd have to pick a major now and stick with it. Which I know I can do if I really try... And I haven't been trying to do anything since high school...

I take so much for granted right now. I take this apartment, this relationship... all of this stuff for granted.

I can't live my life for someone else. I need to start living for myself and doing things to secure my future. This last year really taught me that... I can't just rot, wasting my potential and intelligence...

I'm worth so much more than all this.

Any opinions would be great... I would love to hear from all of you...

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 12 February :: 10.13pm

man woohu is such a happy little place now!

everyone's so happy and content with their lives and the people in it...

jk haha. sorry. i'm insensitive i guess..

i've just been sooooo fucking sick and soooo fucking frustrated at work.
and with people at work. and situations at work... and hours at work... and just all this bullshit at work.

but at least i've found out who really wants to be my friend, and who really needs to get their shit together. i think i've finally found someone who had values that match mine... and who has interesting stories to tell... and a nice fast car to chill in. i'm really excited about this one.

but i think i say that about all of my new friends... and eventually i become disillusioned with them... but shaunte actually calls me. which is so nice. because now when i get home i have something to do other than go to sleep. haha.

i really should call my friends more often...
i'm such a lazy bitch...

but at least i'm a lazy bitch with money.

peace out babiessszzzz

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 8 February :: 4.52pm
:: Mood: frustrated

beauty and the geek
so i'm re-watching beauty and the geek... I really love this show...

Mostly because of Nate. Who is an amazing person through the whole show. I just wish there could be more people like him... In the world and in my life.

The ending of the season was perfect. Just how it should have been. I watch it and it makes me wonder why we're the way we are... Why can't we be more willing to accept people? Why can't we forgive people and understand people?

It's hard for me to understand why some people don't hate themselves for the way they are. I don't know how people who are stupid and selfish don't see it and feel bad for it. I mean, being stupid but understanding is one thing and being selfish but understanding to an extent... is fine... But being totally pig headed and retarded... I just don't get it.

But man, I love Nate. And watching this show makes me wish I could know him in real life.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2008 5 February :: 6.10pm

i feel like i dont have a best friend anymore
i know i'll always have nicole, but its hard because she lives across the state.

i just want someone to talk face to face to
someone who will actually listen
and not try to kiss my ass or sound all nice by giving me false sympathy
i dont fucking want your sympathy
i just want someone to listen
and realize how retarded i feel lately

i feel so alone
and i keep trying to tell that to people
but no one is there to listen

i wish nicole were here
or that someone was here for me
because i dont know what to do
i feel so pathetic
and lost
and worthless

and i dont want to anymore...

:: 2008 5 February :: 6.28am

i just want to leave this town already.