i hate school - im so fed up w/ this homework. its ridiculous. it'll be well after 2am when i finally get this stupid ass project done - if my parents wake up and find out im still up, theyd fuckin kill me!
but then again, this *is* 90% of my fault. im a slacker w/ a perfectionist mind. not a good combo, let me tell u - it leads my life into hell. i just want to be satisfied/content w/ something, anything, i do! but it doesnt happen. ever. im just not good enough for myself.

mle

just got back from a punk rock gig. sweet as hell :) markie came w/ me. some people gave us weird looks b/c they thought we were hookin up again or something. no way. lol im not that dumb to backtrack my progress!
my head kills though - too much smoke (of various kinds) and loud music...

yea, i think ive lost the whole point to this journal thing. i just do it to tell kathy whats goin on in my life. no one else reads it (cept for spud). i want advice and/or comments from people on the outside, looking in. and if steffen starts reading, *splat* the shit will hit the fan and everyone will find out about my problems. yea - a ton know about depression. big woop - its common. but bulimia -i dont want people to know that. they'll judge me. its just not something thats accepted. i think im gonna have to stop writing in here - or maybe get a new name. this just isnt working for me anymore.

mle

anybody read the grand rapids press on sunday?

there was an article on the front page of The Region section about 2 fatal accidents along the lakeshore. one of the victims was Burt McKeown - my good friend Sara Hoyt's boyfriend. like, serious boyfriend. shes dying inside, and i cant blame her. i want to curl up and die for her. i never even got to meet him - they were only together 3 months.
she was with him only a short time before the accident -at his 17th birthday party- and he went for a drive around 1am, had a high-speed rollover, and died instantly. she was the first one to the hospital, and the first in line to suffer.

please please please keep burt's family and friends and especially sara in your prayers.

mle

home, sweet fuckin home

good riddance to spring break. it waz fun in the beginning. then the alcohol ran dry, and my moods/relaionship w/ people turned back to normal. and it went downhill.

*but* a good thing was it turned out better than i thought in regards to my body image. i thought i was gonna shoot myself after 1 day. i just *kinda* felt like poo. but now that im home, back to my normal clothes (not pj's and black stretch pants) that dont fit, im back to my depressed self. im sick because of what ive eaten. i promised myself id really lose weight - w/o thinking of bulimia, but its so hard. i mean, yea ive gone 2 whole weeks w/ hardly thinking of it, but i hear it calling to me from the back of my mind.

dad wants me to go to counseling again. i just want to get well, but i know its impossible until i lose weight...

on a non-fatness topic, i decided that ive had my good 4 months off the boyfriend scene. i think i want back in. the catch: there arent any guys i like or that like me. hmm that could be a problem, huh?

mle

spring break... im excited. then im depressed. then im jealous. then im self-hate-filled. then i want to sleep. then i want to die.

yeah.. im leavin tomorrow for orange beach (AKA gulf shores) god knows 1/2 of grand rapids will be there. a week w/ the rents, chelsey and rikki. me and chels probably wont remember most of it, and rikki is just goin crazy over the whole break away from the family aspect (so is chels). i just wish i could miraculously lose 40 lbs. or 10 would be nice too. *sigh* i sound pathetic.

im still thinking about the whole laura/mark confrontation...
i mean, when i hear that mark (whom ive had kinda a rocky relationship w/ for the past 2.5 years) calls laura and is like "im reallly worried/scared bout emily" thats like. wow. shocking. i cant believe people care for me like that. this is new- this cant be right. why would they waste their time on me?

MLE

random cursings...

¡cuidado! voy a maldecir...

AHH WHAT THE FUCK IS UP W/ THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES?! THEY PISS ME OFF SO MUCH! sometimes i just wana smack my friends and be like "WHAT THE FUCK - wake up and quite being such a fuckin retard. just snap the fuck outta your lil 'i hate the world' trance!" am i the only 1 who feels this way?! just GIVE IT UP ALREADY! is it REALLY NECESSARY to put little messages like "im just being anti-social" and "either you suck or i hate the world"? NO so QUIT IT W/ THE FUCKIN ATTITUDE PROBLEMS! YOURE MAKING IT HARDER FOR *ME* TO DEAL W/ MINE AND IT PISSES *ME* OFF WHEN I HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE. GIVE IT UP!

AHHHHHHHHHHH JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME IF YOURE GONNA BE LIKE THAT!

scared shitless about kathy... im thisclose to calling her dad. but i cant disrespect her like that. not unless i *know* its super-serious. this isnt the first time. if she doesnt answer her cell again, i might be forced to call her dad tomorrow at work and inform him to hide the pills and sharp objects. this is bullshit.

on a semi-lighter note...
laura and mark (old bf) stopped by today for an hour or so. they actually had a point this time. total confrontation regarding the 2 things they believe i have a problem w/: alcohol and bulimia. i do, but i dont.
alcohol: im fine! seriously. i dont know why they think im that big of a drinker - im really not. not anymore.
bulimia: thats a hazier topic (its kinda awkward just to say the word...) its so complicated. like, the fact that ive discovered the tricks of the trade in just a few short months and how it makes me *happy* to throw up - yea, thats scary. but i control when i do and when i dont. like, i havent in the past 3(?) days. yesterday and today i barely even felt the need to! but the thing is: i feel 1000x worse when i dont do it than when i do. *thats* my problem w/ bulimia: it makes me feel better. often times, eating disorders dont mainly concern food/weight issues (sometimes not @ all) and thats kinda the case w/ me. like, i know bulimia wont make me lose weight. prevent me from gaining it, yes, but not lose it. but theres something deeper, more special that that in it. it erases the past. for once in my life, i have the control to change my previous actions, and that is the most liberating, empowering feeling in the world. i cannot describe the horribleness of guilt/regret. it taunts me endlessly. when i purge, all my problems go w/ it. it frees me. i love it. they want me to give that up. ... which is hard. purge and sleep: the only things that make me happy! how do i live w/o 1 of em? miserably. thats how.

MLE

AHHHHHHH

just get it over with!
im slowly going insane. im realy starting to lose it. i cant hold on much longer. the feeling of a full stomach, the disappointment of laziness, the blissful lure of sleep... im being pulled in so many directions that i just plop down on my ass and move in no direction. i am going nowhere - fast.

i need you to hear, i need you to see
that i have had all i can take
and exploding seems like
a definite possibility to me
so pardon me while i burst into flames
ive had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games
so pardon me while i burn
and rise above the flames
pardon me, pardon me
ill never be the same
(incubus - pardon me)

thats how i feel. i just want to combusticate into a pile of sweet nothing. nothing. nothing. i am nothing. i have nothing. i feel nothing.
i just want to escape...

MLE

sirry about the typing - im kinda eh... you kno wwhat i mean ;)
yea so..
hun g out w/ the weirdest combination of kids tonight. but go figger. whatever, ya know?
i dont even know why iom writing in here. i dont really have antyhing to say. kathy is sick of hearing me talk about the only thing on my mind anymore and shes like the only 1 i can talk ot about it b/c everyone else eithe doesnt care or doesnt know. i told elspeth tonight about how im depressed and like all my friends are. she was shocked. lol shes so cute, but total.ly naive. whatever. i finished her beer for her. groos. beer. but whatever. so yea.. illa ctualy remember tonight :)(hopefully) fiirst time in al ong time ill do that. but idk..
yea.. theres no point in this..
i hung out w/ my friends form people to people (student ambassador program last summer to europe) fun to see them all again, but im fat. and ashamed. i keep gaining weight no matter what i do.. and that just pushes me to eat more.. and thevicious cycle onwt leave me alone. my will against suicide is gonna b e taken over my by horrible will to kill this peice of trash (myself) some time or another.. and im scared to death...

MLE

never-ending nightmare

life is rapidly passing me by. i need to snap out of my dazed, depressed, weak trance. im losing control like im losing my hair. my brain has been scrambled ever since those damned pills i took. they ruined my life. they made me gain weight, they made my grades drop, they pushed me to the extreme. i was tripping out on them. i never even got better until i was off them. and here i am in a relapse. but i cant go back to them in the hopes they might actually work this time. i cant stand to gain another 20 pounds. im already on the verge of suicide merely because of the trash pile i call my body.
but inside me, i know im just hurting this pile of trash even more. im so sick of being me. why cant i be someone better? WHY AM I STUCK BEING INFERIOR?
therefore, i purge. i am killing myself. but in such a way that its the only thing i look forward to. yes, i admit it. i am slowly killing myself. but i cant stop. every day when people talk about this sport and that guy and how theyre so happy when theyre doing them - yea well this is what makes me happy. the only thing that makes me happy. ive tried to get help, it made it worse. *getting help drove me back to you* you are my demoniacal disease, my sadistic savior. i wish you would be with me every moment of every day, saving me from myself.

"hold on, dream away
you're my sweet charade
hey, whatcha do to me
would you come back to me?
yea i cant do another day
im not certain of it anyway
im not messing with another lie
can i get along without you?
tell me lies that you know i need"
(goo goo dolls - hate this place)

im sorry kathy - i dont think i could ever give it up. the lies it tells me- that everything will be all right; that i can take back my actions; that guilt no longer holds me captive...
i truly believe i would no longer be here if it wasnt for you.

MLE

"lil suzy, she was only twelve
she was given the world w/ every chance to excel
hang w/ the boys, hear the stories they tell
she might act kinda proud but no respect for herself
she finds love in all the wrong places
the same situations just different faces...

he was never really one of the guys
no matter how hard he tried
often thought of suicide
its kind of hard when you aint got no friends
he put his life to an end
they might remember him then
you cross the line and theres no turning back
told the world how he felt with the sound of a gat"
(P.O.D. - youth of the nation)


life is a bitch
i wish id die
so fock tha word
good riddance, good bye

skelletones, tequilla, and third-wheel status

that was my night.

it only gets worse...

i never thought id feel this lifeless, this restless, this hopeless again...

i thought i was stronger, wiser than this...

MLE

yeah... i feel like shit... each weekday gets longer, each night shorter.. the weekends are just nonexistant...

shoot me now

"it seems like ever since i started working [high school], every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. so that means that every single day that you see me, thats on the worst day of my life." (office space)

*mle*

just another day in the life of mle
but yea.. 2nd day of soccer tryouts and i broke down in tears b/c i felt like i was playing so bad. i was seriously just going to quit in fairness to the rest of the team.. then coach told me to stick w/ it - hes saving me a spot on the team. i wanted to cry from happiness/relief. i havent been that happy in months...

but, of course, it didnt last long...

i want to just throw up my stomach. yuck. food. full. guilty. lazy. shoot me now. god, i disappoint myself beyond belief. not only am i killing myself physically (or so im told), im killing myself more psychologically. not to mention i plan my day around you. you are my control, my freedom, my anti-drug. you make me feel better than anything else in the world.

love hurts. and i love you.

*mle*